One week until Christmas, and I can hardly believe it! I came to the realization today, as I brought my first gift of the season to school for tonight's White Elephant Exchange in Wilmette, that although not having Secret Santas saves me money it also hinders my ability to get into the spirit of the season sooner! Isn't that crazy? Last year I had THREE secret santas -- one with my housemates, one with the whole Vincentian community, and one at Cabrini. Plus I had Christmas Program week, where I was in the spirit the entire week, AND my Cabrini kids were always doing Christmas-related art projects AND we had Advent reflections every morning. None of that has happened this year, so it's one week before Christmas and I feel like I haven't celebrated or reflected on either Adevent OR Christmas. That is entirely depressing. No wonder it feels so surreal. I miss having people to buy silly little secret gifts for!!
At least most of my Christmas cards are written -- I almost thought I wasn't going to be motivated or have enough time to do that, but I made it happen. I still have to finish a stack tomorrow and/or Sunday and/or late Tuesday night (the only day next week I don't have something the ENTIRE evening). This is the first year I have so many "parties" and stuff -- last night was the Marquette Alumni Christmas party, tonight is Sully's work Christmas party, Monday is the YNPN Holiday Social, Wednesday Sully & I are celebrating Christmas downtown, Thursday we're taking his sister out for her 21st birthday, and then I fly home for the REAL Christmas! It's absolutely insane.
I also wish I could have gone caroling like we did last year -- That community event with Franciscan Connection was awesome and also helped put us all in the Christmas spirit. I did at least get to SEE carolers this year! A group came into Caribou Coffee when I was there with Christy the other night -- very cool, and a good way to end the evening. Of course, the kids singing Feliz Navidad this morning was also super cute and helped put me in the Christmas spirit -- there is nothing like KIDS getting excited about Christmas to get the rest of us in the spirit too.
Of course, the holidays always bring about time of reflection on the previous year. I did a lot of that at Thanksgiving, but this is also a good time to take stock and "measure" my year. Friendships have shifted and changed, some in good ways and some in sad ways. Several people in my life are now engaged, and that's an exciting but definitely challenging life shift. I finished a year of amazing service changed in heart and spirit and direction. I am currently working in a job that I have grown to like and think I am on the path of succeeding in. There are still challenges and much growth to occur there. I moved from St. Louis to Minnesota to Chicago, and have started my "real adult life" which couldn't make me happier! I am in a strong and healthy relationship with a guy who makes me smile as well as makes me think. I'm financially self-sufficient, and that means so much to me. I have dreams, goals, friends, direction, and successes. Things are not perfect, but what I have is good. I am happy and I am blessed. Even in the moments of frustration and anger, I have to remember that.
I pray that the new year continues to bring growth and blessings, to me, you and all of our families and friends. I enjoy writing to this great void of people I don't know, and I hope I continue to be able to do so without too much drama. Have a wonderful Christmas and a joyful new year!!
Friday, December 15, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
"Sometimes a bit of confusion is a good thing!"
For the record, I'm not exactly confused anymore. Well, not really anyway. However, I know that I am confusING, especially to a certain member of the male species. And he has every right to be confused -- I "broke up" with him, but in the past week (starting three days after I broke up with him) we've talked every day (like normal), went on a random road trip to Milwaukee for Tuesday Night Mass, and had a great weekend of spontaneous adventures this weekend.
The thing is, I know I care about him, but I don't think I was ready for the way he cared about me or the way I might care about him. I need this to be light, no pressure, no intensity. That may not be fair to him, but I'm sick of emotionally intense relationships where I get so caught up in the intensity and emotion that I squeeze it to death, plan to death, analyze too much, and basically it just falls to pieces.
This feels like when I started dating my first boyfriend -- we hung out as friends, with those "potential feelings" simmering just below the surface, and then after our first kiss (nearly 2 months after our first "date" and two weeks after our more official yet still unofficial "first date") we said we were dating but still didn't necessarily refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend for a little bit.
The difference is, the way I care about Sully is a way I have never cared about anyone else before in my life. I know that sounds crazy and if that's the case, why don't I want to just go ahead and "officially" date him or jump into a relationship? I think it's because I'm scared. I am scared to care like that, and after all my previous relationships since John have been too emotionally intense, too physical, and have ended in friendships either being drastically changed or lost, I am scared to get involved in that with Sully.
I ask myself, "Am I even attracted to him? Why is it I think I care about him like I do?" The answers are this: Attraction comes in different forms. Up until this weekend I couldn't say that yes his looks are what initially attracted me, but the more I get to know him personally the more it enhances his physical "attractiveness" -- I got philosophical with myself this weekend... "What is attraction or attractiveness anyway?" I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, the old cliche is true -- "What makes a person attractive is who they are inside." And Sully is very attractive from the inside out -- I don't know how I never noticed it before.
I am so excited to continue whatever it is that's going on between us -- I'm just glad it's low-key and we aren't being overanalytical or intense about. We are simply enjoying each other's company and conversation, and we are having our Chicago adventures, and someday maybe we'll kiss again and start on the road to a relationship. But right now, we're just good friends hanging out, the possibility of more simmering just below the surface, and confusion not being a bad thing at all.
The thing is, I know I care about him, but I don't think I was ready for the way he cared about me or the way I might care about him. I need this to be light, no pressure, no intensity. That may not be fair to him, but I'm sick of emotionally intense relationships where I get so caught up in the intensity and emotion that I squeeze it to death, plan to death, analyze too much, and basically it just falls to pieces.
This feels like when I started dating my first boyfriend -- we hung out as friends, with those "potential feelings" simmering just below the surface, and then after our first kiss (nearly 2 months after our first "date" and two weeks after our more official yet still unofficial "first date") we said we were dating but still didn't necessarily refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend for a little bit.
The difference is, the way I care about Sully is a way I have never cared about anyone else before in my life. I know that sounds crazy and if that's the case, why don't I want to just go ahead and "officially" date him or jump into a relationship? I think it's because I'm scared. I am scared to care like that, and after all my previous relationships since John have been too emotionally intense, too physical, and have ended in friendships either being drastically changed or lost, I am scared to get involved in that with Sully.
I ask myself, "Am I even attracted to him? Why is it I think I care about him like I do?" The answers are this: Attraction comes in different forms. Up until this weekend I couldn't say that yes his looks are what initially attracted me, but the more I get to know him personally the more it enhances his physical "attractiveness" -- I got philosophical with myself this weekend... "What is attraction or attractiveness anyway?" I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, the old cliche is true -- "What makes a person attractive is who they are inside." And Sully is very attractive from the inside out -- I don't know how I never noticed it before.
I am so excited to continue whatever it is that's going on between us -- I'm just glad it's low-key and we aren't being overanalytical or intense about. We are simply enjoying each other's company and conversation, and we are having our Chicago adventures, and someday maybe we'll kiss again and start on the road to a relationship. But right now, we're just good friends hanging out, the possibility of more simmering just below the surface, and confusion not being a bad thing at all.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I love random road trips!
I'm so excited -- I'm going to Milwaukee tonight!
What better way for two friends who met as fellow Retreat Leaders, were prayer partners, and spent nearly every Tuesday of their senior year of college meeting up and talking before celebrating Tuesday night Mass with friends to reconnect and enjoy each other's company after a major shift in their friendship/relationship than to head back up to that city, that college, that Tuesday night tradition?
Yep, me and Sully are road tripping to Milwaukee for Tuesday Night Mass and Joan of Arc. We'll have the whole 3 hour car ride (1.5 hours there and 1.5 hours back) to talk and do our usual catch-up conversation, and then we'll get to celebrate our favorite Mass of all time.
I cannot wait -- I'm so excited. I love spontaneous adventures!
I'm going to Milwaukee tonight! :)
What better way for two friends who met as fellow Retreat Leaders, were prayer partners, and spent nearly every Tuesday of their senior year of college meeting up and talking before celebrating Tuesday night Mass with friends to reconnect and enjoy each other's company after a major shift in their friendship/relationship than to head back up to that city, that college, that Tuesday night tradition?
Yep, me and Sully are road tripping to Milwaukee for Tuesday Night Mass and Joan of Arc. We'll have the whole 3 hour car ride (1.5 hours there and 1.5 hours back) to talk and do our usual catch-up conversation, and then we'll get to celebrate our favorite Mass of all time.
I cannot wait -- I'm so excited. I love spontaneous adventures!
I'm going to Milwaukee tonight! :)
Monday, November 13, 2006
Changes
Have you ever had one of those weeks/weekends where you felt like you couldn't do anything right?
Well, I don't feel quite THAT distraught, but I will say that this past weekend pretty much sucked. After I broke up with Sully Thursday, I called Dan bawling my eyes out. It's nice to know that even my engaged friends can be supportive -- especially for a guy! :)
Friday I was pretty much in the same fog I had been in all day Thursday, but luckily I didn't have to work at the school. I attended a conference at Loyola University about fundraising instead. It was very informative, but I didn't network the way I probably should have. Oh well, I did my best.
Of course, when I left, it was raining, and by the time I got home it was raining harder. I quickly changed and grabbed a snack, then went to meet Clare & Christy. My umbrella broke and I was SOAKED by the time I saw them. Clare seemed only sort of happy to see me, and things with Christy were the usual superficial pleasantries. Clare & I met up with Nicole, and we headed to Tinley Park. We met up with her friend Beth & went to a movie ("Stranger than Fiction" -- great movie!). I was abnormally quiet and subdued, but I'd had a rough emotional week so far, and I wasn't quite recovered.
Saturday was the day-long retreat through Charis Ministries (young adult retreat ministry group through the Chicago Province of the Jesuits). It was exactly what I needed, minus the fact that it was me/Nicole "versus" Suzette, Christy & Clare. Clare was much more excited to see Suzette (whom she had just seen last week) than she was to see me (whom she hadn't seen since June). I cared, but I knew they were not able to understand or be supportive of my mood -- hell, Suzette hadn't called or emailed in 3 weeks and the email communication we DID have this week was short and snippy. They can have each other for all I care -- at least Nicole was aware and supportive. We didn't even have to talk about it -- she just knew and understood and offered comfort just by being there. Saturday night my phone continued to be stupid and I had to find Erica -- she hung out with me watching movies at my apartment when I know she probably would have rather been with Clare & Suz, but I thought they were all going out and was NOT in the mood. Apparently Clare & Suz stayed in but felt like they weren't welcomed/invited to my place so they didn't call. What a load of crap. I mean, I'm sure they felt that way and I'm sure that to some extent I sent off that vibe -- but did it occur to them to ASK me what was wrong? Did it occur to them that maybe something was going on and that's why I was in that mood? Did it occur to them that trying to coordinate schedules for two sets of friends and a retreat all in one weekend was hard and should NOT have been left totally up to me? Nope, none of that occured to them, and I end up looking like the bad guy.
Needless to say, I've cried a lot in the past 5 days. I got to school this morning and the big project I did last week was a mess -- there were huge translation issues and everyone sort of got a talking to about making sure that translations were accurate and done in a timely manner. Surprisingly, that didn't set me off (but it came close). However, even though things are getting better and I know that things are always rough the first year on a job, I am just not happy here and I am seriously considering looking for a new job come spring. We'll see how things continue to go, but I need a work environment that fits my personality and best utilizes/emphasizes my gifts and talents.
Things with Sully will be ok. Things with the GVVA girls? Who the hell knows -- and quite frankly, at this point I don't care. It's like Nicole & Patricia & Karen were freshman year -- they could only be so supportive and after that there was a superficial wall. Over the years, it developed so we could all support everything about each other and be there for each other. Perhaps someday Suz & Clare & Erica and I will reach that same level of being able to support no matter what and to understand/comfort even when it's too much drama. Until that happens, I'll just let them be and do their own thing, and I will be and do mine.
Back to work.
Well, I don't feel quite THAT distraught, but I will say that this past weekend pretty much sucked. After I broke up with Sully Thursday, I called Dan bawling my eyes out. It's nice to know that even my engaged friends can be supportive -- especially for a guy! :)
Friday I was pretty much in the same fog I had been in all day Thursday, but luckily I didn't have to work at the school. I attended a conference at Loyola University about fundraising instead. It was very informative, but I didn't network the way I probably should have. Oh well, I did my best.
Of course, when I left, it was raining, and by the time I got home it was raining harder. I quickly changed and grabbed a snack, then went to meet Clare & Christy. My umbrella broke and I was SOAKED by the time I saw them. Clare seemed only sort of happy to see me, and things with Christy were the usual superficial pleasantries. Clare & I met up with Nicole, and we headed to Tinley Park. We met up with her friend Beth & went to a movie ("Stranger than Fiction" -- great movie!). I was abnormally quiet and subdued, but I'd had a rough emotional week so far, and I wasn't quite recovered.
Saturday was the day-long retreat through Charis Ministries (young adult retreat ministry group through the Chicago Province of the Jesuits). It was exactly what I needed, minus the fact that it was me/Nicole "versus" Suzette, Christy & Clare. Clare was much more excited to see Suzette (whom she had just seen last week) than she was to see me (whom she hadn't seen since June). I cared, but I knew they were not able to understand or be supportive of my mood -- hell, Suzette hadn't called or emailed in 3 weeks and the email communication we DID have this week was short and snippy. They can have each other for all I care -- at least Nicole was aware and supportive. We didn't even have to talk about it -- she just knew and understood and offered comfort just by being there. Saturday night my phone continued to be stupid and I had to find Erica -- she hung out with me watching movies at my apartment when I know she probably would have rather been with Clare & Suz, but I thought they were all going out and was NOT in the mood. Apparently Clare & Suz stayed in but felt like they weren't welcomed/invited to my place so they didn't call. What a load of crap. I mean, I'm sure they felt that way and I'm sure that to some extent I sent off that vibe -- but did it occur to them to ASK me what was wrong? Did it occur to them that maybe something was going on and that's why I was in that mood? Did it occur to them that trying to coordinate schedules for two sets of friends and a retreat all in one weekend was hard and should NOT have been left totally up to me? Nope, none of that occured to them, and I end up looking like the bad guy.
Needless to say, I've cried a lot in the past 5 days. I got to school this morning and the big project I did last week was a mess -- there were huge translation issues and everyone sort of got a talking to about making sure that translations were accurate and done in a timely manner. Surprisingly, that didn't set me off (but it came close). However, even though things are getting better and I know that things are always rough the first year on a job, I am just not happy here and I am seriously considering looking for a new job come spring. We'll see how things continue to go, but I need a work environment that fits my personality and best utilizes/emphasizes my gifts and talents.
Things with Sully will be ok. Things with the GVVA girls? Who the hell knows -- and quite frankly, at this point I don't care. It's like Nicole & Patricia & Karen were freshman year -- they could only be so supportive and after that there was a superficial wall. Over the years, it developed so we could all support everything about each other and be there for each other. Perhaps someday Suz & Clare & Erica and I will reach that same level of being able to support no matter what and to understand/comfort even when it's too much drama. Until that happens, I'll just let them be and do their own thing, and I will be and do mine.
Back to work.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
too many emotions
One thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. It has served us well as prayer partners, friends, and now potentially "more." Except that I'm not sure I can visualize or feel the "more" and that's what's so sad about the whole thing. I want to, I think, but right now I just don't feel it. And in the midst of that I get hit today with, "Oh my god, Stephanie got married." I just want to burst into tears. I think I have a lot of emotions still riding up inside me and I don't really have an outlet for it. It's also blocking out anything else I can or want to or was able to feel. Shit, Stephie's married! She is no longer just my best friend -- now she's Brian's wife. Wife takes on new meaning and status and power than "girlfriend" or even "fiancee." Now that they are joined, legally and spiritually and emotionally and physically, in that way, it's a whole new ballgame. And I'm scared of losing my Stephie. At the same time, I am trying to visualize this friendship with Sully becoming a romantic relationship. He obviously cares about me, and I'm not sure I care about him in that way. I opened my heart to it and thought there was a possibility for it to go that way, but so far it hasn't. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I'm just not sure how I feel about any of it! I can easily see myself single again, and when I ask myself whether I can see Sully and me as more than friends, my automatic reaction is no and if I ask myself if Sully and I can be just friends my automatic reaction is yes. But am I ready to give up trying to see if something else is there? I just don't want to hurt him, and I'm afraid that if I continue to "date" him knowing that I don't yet have strong feelings for him that it's going to hurt him worse in the long run.
At least I could tell him I wasn't sure how I was feeling. Like I said, one thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. I told him last night I was having a hard time seeing him as more than a friend and I wasn't sure if I would be able to. I told him I didn't want to hurt him, that was the last thing I wanted to do, and that's why I told him. He seemed to take it ok, and in this morning's email he said that although he was taken aback and it wasn't the easiest thing to hear he did appreciate my candor. No matter what, we will always care about each other as friends. Sully would like to (or does) care about me as more, and although I'm leaning away from the "more" towards the "just friends" I haven't completely decided yet. I really need God's help and guidance in this. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anyone's friendship.
I hope that even if we are just friends we can still hang out and talk like usual. He'll still come with to Dan & Mal's wedding (I hope), and hopefully we can still hang out with his sister when she comes home for Christmas break. I really need your help here God. Tell me what to do, show me what's true and right.
I need good solid manual labor -- I'm going to help clean out the library today.
At least I could tell him I wasn't sure how I was feeling. Like I said, one thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. I told him last night I was having a hard time seeing him as more than a friend and I wasn't sure if I would be able to. I told him I didn't want to hurt him, that was the last thing I wanted to do, and that's why I told him. He seemed to take it ok, and in this morning's email he said that although he was taken aback and it wasn't the easiest thing to hear he did appreciate my candor. No matter what, we will always care about each other as friends. Sully would like to (or does) care about me as more, and although I'm leaning away from the "more" towards the "just friends" I haven't completely decided yet. I really need God's help and guidance in this. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anyone's friendship.
I hope that even if we are just friends we can still hang out and talk like usual. He'll still come with to Dan & Mal's wedding (I hope), and hopefully we can still hang out with his sister when she comes home for Christmas break. I really need your help here God. Tell me what to do, show me what's true and right.
I need good solid manual labor -- I'm going to help clean out the library today.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Completely Distracted :)
Since this is my blog, and very few people know it exists, I can be perfectly bluntly amazingly honest here without being a big gossip.
I am completely distracted today. I have several projects I could/should be working on -- completing 50 scholarship applications that are due tomorrow, beginning to plan my recruitment open house for 11/13, finishing the recruitment packets, getting organized for the Adelante meeting next Monday, etc. However, I can't seem to concentrate, and there are two strong reasons why.
1) Sully and I are dating. Yes, I know it's absolutely insane and crazy to think of me and SULLY together, but that's the way it is! He's amazing, and I'm really enjoying this new aspect to our friendship. He's such an awesome friend -- we've always been able to talk about anything & everything together, from faith to politics to sports to service to books to plays to movies to community living to friends to family to anything & everything under the sun. We've always shared everything with each other with a complete and total naturalness that I've never had with anyone else. I think there was always a physical attraction but I don't think either of us really noticed it until just recently, and when he started thinking of me as more than a friend I could sense it and had to try to wrap my head around it. Luckily, the day I made that deal with God and tucked away/closed the door on one thing is the day I decided to open my heart up to Sully and whatever God had planned for us. And here we are, 11 days later, dating and thoroughly enjoying each other. :) Movies, kisses, dancing on Saturday at the wedding, watching sports, going to bars... we love doing everything together. He's definitely the least complicated, least drama-oriented guy I've ever dated. What a refreshing thing that is! I am so happy with him right now, and I still don't think it's quite hit me that I'm dating SULLY. Sully!! Good grief. :) But I love it.
2) Steph and Brian are getting married on Saturday. OH MY LORD. I can't believe they're getting married on Saturday. I helped with the "Big Move" this past weekend, and that got me super excited for them. I'm also crazy nervous, for them and for me (speech, dressing up nice, being in the spotlight next to Steph on Saturday)... I am going up to Milwaukee tomorrow night for the 4 day affair, and I just can't seem to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do before I leave. Which is bad -- I really need to concentrate on my duties this week! But golly, Stephy's getting married... I love her to death, and I can't believe and can't wait for this weekend to happen! She and Brian will be so happy together, I know this. It's just that big huge adult step, and although I know they're ready for it, I can't even fathom being ready for that kind of committment just yet. I'm still getting used to dating someone seriously again!! But the butterflies and distractions are there, and I'm trying to put them out of my mind so I can do what I need to do before I leave tomorrow.
That's the update -- happiness is contagious and I hope mine spreads to you!
Love & Hugs -- Bri
I am completely distracted today. I have several projects I could/should be working on -- completing 50 scholarship applications that are due tomorrow, beginning to plan my recruitment open house for 11/13, finishing the recruitment packets, getting organized for the Adelante meeting next Monday, etc. However, I can't seem to concentrate, and there are two strong reasons why.
1) Sully and I are dating. Yes, I know it's absolutely insane and crazy to think of me and SULLY together, but that's the way it is! He's amazing, and I'm really enjoying this new aspect to our friendship. He's such an awesome friend -- we've always been able to talk about anything & everything together, from faith to politics to sports to service to books to plays to movies to community living to friends to family to anything & everything under the sun. We've always shared everything with each other with a complete and total naturalness that I've never had with anyone else. I think there was always a physical attraction but I don't think either of us really noticed it until just recently, and when he started thinking of me as more than a friend I could sense it and had to try to wrap my head around it. Luckily, the day I made that deal with God and tucked away/closed the door on one thing is the day I decided to open my heart up to Sully and whatever God had planned for us. And here we are, 11 days later, dating and thoroughly enjoying each other. :) Movies, kisses, dancing on Saturday at the wedding, watching sports, going to bars... we love doing everything together. He's definitely the least complicated, least drama-oriented guy I've ever dated. What a refreshing thing that is! I am so happy with him right now, and I still don't think it's quite hit me that I'm dating SULLY. Sully!! Good grief. :) But I love it.
2) Steph and Brian are getting married on Saturday. OH MY LORD. I can't believe they're getting married on Saturday. I helped with the "Big Move" this past weekend, and that got me super excited for them. I'm also crazy nervous, for them and for me (speech, dressing up nice, being in the spotlight next to Steph on Saturday)... I am going up to Milwaukee tomorrow night for the 4 day affair, and I just can't seem to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do before I leave. Which is bad -- I really need to concentrate on my duties this week! But golly, Stephy's getting married... I love her to death, and I can't believe and can't wait for this weekend to happen! She and Brian will be so happy together, I know this. It's just that big huge adult step, and although I know they're ready for it, I can't even fathom being ready for that kind of committment just yet. I'm still getting used to dating someone seriously again!! But the butterflies and distractions are there, and I'm trying to put them out of my mind so I can do what I need to do before I leave tomorrow.
That's the update -- happiness is contagious and I hope mine spreads to you!
Love & Hugs -- Bri
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I love being happy!
I am in one of those rare "everything's awesome and I can't stop smiling" moods, and despite having the sniffles and a few oddities at work, I am just about the happiest I've been in a while! As Kate would say, "the major updates":
1) I have furniture! Last weekend (10/14) my family drove down with a truck o'stuff from Minnesota and three of my favorite boys (Brian, Dan & Sully) helped unload and get my apartment all set up. I'm way excited to have furniture and lights and a desk and a tv/dvd player and all my stuff! I even have my scrapbooks and scrapbooking materials here, but I haven't had time to sit down and do any of it just yet. Someday I will :) I've been too busy doing other things...
2) "Lost" Wednesdays! Man, what an awesome tradition. I meet up with Suzette for dinner somewhere downtown, then we head over to K.Rock's apartment for Lost & Project Runway (Well, now that PR is done, I don't know what we'll watch, but we'll still be watching Lost!) Sully joined us last week, and sometimes Kellie & Kristin (new friend) will join us. I love it. :)
3) Grey's Anatomy Thursdays. There is this awesome bar in Wrigleyville called Take 5 that does this Grey's Anatomy Thursday night thing -- Grey Goose drink specials ($7 martinis!) and Grey's Anatomy on ALL the tvs in the bar. It's a great sports bar feel, and would be an awesome place to watch a Bears or Cubs/Sox game. But the whole place shuts up for the show and they do trivia during commercial breaks. Afterwards they have 80s/90s music videos. haha, how awesome is that?!
4) I'm hosting a psuedo-Halloween party on Friday night. Actually it's more of a pre-housewarming party (my real housewarming party will be in December, just in time for Christmas!) I'm excited to have people over to my place and to be social and Ms. Hostess like I haven't been able to be in a super crazy long time. I love playing hostess, I do. This is why I love planning special events. I often wish my job was just special events because I feel like I can't throw myself into the event as wholly as I'd like because I have a lot of other demands on my time. Oh well, I'm doing the best I can. :)
5) I finally got my priorities and expectations and goals into a tangible grid. I showed it to Fr. Tim, who I think appreciated it, but during the meeting all he said was "No place for grants" and "where's recruitment" (it was the first fricking column) and went into his "enrollment is our biggest threat" spiel. Yes, I know. This is why it's not only a) the first column, but b) why I went out to distribute fliers last Thursday with Vida, and c) why I have been wanting your help all this time! DUH! But that's ok, because he redeemed himself in saying that I should come to the School Board meeting and talk to the parents about forming a recruitment committee. Well geez already, couldn't you have thought of this a MONTH ago?! What do you think I've been saying this whole time about doing it all myself?! ::shakes head:: It's ok though, because that grid makes me feel really organized and have a real clear idea of what I'm supposed to be doing with my time these days, each month.
6) Stephanie Ann is getting married next week. I can't hardly believe it!?! It's absolutely crazy. It feels like just yesterday she was calling to tell me she and Brian had gotten engaged, and now it's finally here. Like everything else in our life/friendship together, this has a been a journey and I couldn't imagine not doing it together. I hope she's able to continue being part of all MY journies over the years, just as I can't wait to be part of her continued Married-Life Journey! :) I walked down the aisle at St. Procopius last week to practice, and oh man did my knees/legs shake the whole time! I just kept picturing my beautiful Stephie waiting behind me to walk down to her husband-to-be. I couldn't stop smiling and I just about burst into tears. I love her dearly and I wish her the best happiness. I can't wait til all my friends (and I) are all married and can share in each other's joys so strongly. I will have to wait a while, but I'm still excited for it. Got Dan & Mal's wedding invitation, and filled out the info and mailed it back in already. I just can't believe it. Next will be Greg & Rachel, unless I go to Erin & Zach's wedding or Katie & Steve's wedding (Both on St. Patrick's Day, can you believe that). All these weddings... some days I'm annoyed by it, but right now I'm kind of ok with the lovey-dovey thing. :)
7) Does Bri have a love interest? Or at least a like interest? You bet. And you're all thinking it's the coworker, but it's not. Adam and I, I think, have come to an understanding but we're too busy to even formulate a real strong decent friendship at this point much less anything else. I have a 3-year deal with God, but I packed that away in my locked box. So now I'm open to whatever, and it looks like whatever was waiting for me to be in Chicago and then the door sort of opened on its own. We'll see what happens -- I'll keep you posted. :)
8) I can't wait for the holidays. I'm going home for Thanksgiving & Christmas, and I'm ecstatic for both! I love going to MN for the holidays, and I love the family love and traditions. I do want to explore all that Chicago has to offer for Christmas traditions, but that will happen in its own time. :) Hopefully this year, and hopefully with friends, and perhaps a specific friend. Until then, I'll keep my mind occupied with thoughts of snow, presents, cozy fires, "White Christmas" play on Dec. 23rd with my family, christmas songs, lights, decorations, etc... Can't wait can't wait can't wait!
9) Potential St. Louis visit... December here I come!! I love STL, and everyone keeps getting on me to come visit, so by golly I think it's about time I try to come visit! The potential plans are to go down on Thursday night 12/7, go to school on 12/8 and help with Drop-Off Sunday on 12/10. I think. It's on the DL, all hypothetical, but I'm so excited about the possibility! Oh the possibilities... That's my personal motto/theme right now. :)
10) And finally, I saved a puppy yesterday. It came tearing out of this house yesterday while I was walking to the bus stop after work. It stopped behind a car, who was parked on the street waiting to pull out of his parking spot. I'm not sure if he saw the puppy or not, but once he caught the break in traffic I knew he'd try to leave. So I motioned for him to wait, then sqautted down to try and coax the puppy out from behind the car, where he was barking at who knows what in the street. She turned and looked at me, and I kept saying, "come here pup, come on, come on pup" and finally her little paws came up on the sidewalk and just like that she ran back up her steps. The guy in the car smiled at me and I walked away, knowing I had saved a puppy. A super cute adorable lovable "I want to take her home with me" kind of puppy. And I'm the cat-owner :)
Ok, time to go channel this good mood and all this energy! Take Care and know I love you all!
Bri :)
1) I have furniture! Last weekend (10/14) my family drove down with a truck o'stuff from Minnesota and three of my favorite boys (Brian, Dan & Sully) helped unload and get my apartment all set up. I'm way excited to have furniture and lights and a desk and a tv/dvd player and all my stuff! I even have my scrapbooks and scrapbooking materials here, but I haven't had time to sit down and do any of it just yet. Someday I will :) I've been too busy doing other things...
2) "Lost" Wednesdays! Man, what an awesome tradition. I meet up with Suzette for dinner somewhere downtown, then we head over to K.Rock's apartment for Lost & Project Runway (Well, now that PR is done, I don't know what we'll watch, but we'll still be watching Lost!) Sully joined us last week, and sometimes Kellie & Kristin (new friend) will join us. I love it. :)
3) Grey's Anatomy Thursdays. There is this awesome bar in Wrigleyville called Take 5 that does this Grey's Anatomy Thursday night thing -- Grey Goose drink specials ($7 martinis!) and Grey's Anatomy on ALL the tvs in the bar. It's a great sports bar feel, and would be an awesome place to watch a Bears or Cubs/Sox game. But the whole place shuts up for the show and they do trivia during commercial breaks. Afterwards they have 80s/90s music videos. haha, how awesome is that?!
4) I'm hosting a psuedo-Halloween party on Friday night. Actually it's more of a pre-housewarming party (my real housewarming party will be in December, just in time for Christmas!) I'm excited to have people over to my place and to be social and Ms. Hostess like I haven't been able to be in a super crazy long time. I love playing hostess, I do. This is why I love planning special events. I often wish my job was just special events because I feel like I can't throw myself into the event as wholly as I'd like because I have a lot of other demands on my time. Oh well, I'm doing the best I can. :)
5) I finally got my priorities and expectations and goals into a tangible grid. I showed it to Fr. Tim, who I think appreciated it, but during the meeting all he said was "No place for grants" and "where's recruitment" (it was the first fricking column) and went into his "enrollment is our biggest threat" spiel. Yes, I know. This is why it's not only a) the first column, but b) why I went out to distribute fliers last Thursday with Vida, and c) why I have been wanting your help all this time! DUH! But that's ok, because he redeemed himself in saying that I should come to the School Board meeting and talk to the parents about forming a recruitment committee. Well geez already, couldn't you have thought of this a MONTH ago?! What do you think I've been saying this whole time about doing it all myself?! ::shakes head:: It's ok though, because that grid makes me feel really organized and have a real clear idea of what I'm supposed to be doing with my time these days, each month.
6) Stephanie Ann is getting married next week. I can't hardly believe it!?! It's absolutely crazy. It feels like just yesterday she was calling to tell me she and Brian had gotten engaged, and now it's finally here. Like everything else in our life/friendship together, this has a been a journey and I couldn't imagine not doing it together. I hope she's able to continue being part of all MY journies over the years, just as I can't wait to be part of her continued Married-Life Journey! :) I walked down the aisle at St. Procopius last week to practice, and oh man did my knees/legs shake the whole time! I just kept picturing my beautiful Stephie waiting behind me to walk down to her husband-to-be. I couldn't stop smiling and I just about burst into tears. I love her dearly and I wish her the best happiness. I can't wait til all my friends (and I) are all married and can share in each other's joys so strongly. I will have to wait a while, but I'm still excited for it. Got Dan & Mal's wedding invitation, and filled out the info and mailed it back in already. I just can't believe it. Next will be Greg & Rachel, unless I go to Erin & Zach's wedding or Katie & Steve's wedding (Both on St. Patrick's Day, can you believe that). All these weddings... some days I'm annoyed by it, but right now I'm kind of ok with the lovey-dovey thing. :)
7) Does Bri have a love interest? Or at least a like interest? You bet. And you're all thinking it's the coworker, but it's not. Adam and I, I think, have come to an understanding but we're too busy to even formulate a real strong decent friendship at this point much less anything else. I have a 3-year deal with God, but I packed that away in my locked box. So now I'm open to whatever, and it looks like whatever was waiting for me to be in Chicago and then the door sort of opened on its own. We'll see what happens -- I'll keep you posted. :)
8) I can't wait for the holidays. I'm going home for Thanksgiving & Christmas, and I'm ecstatic for both! I love going to MN for the holidays, and I love the family love and traditions. I do want to explore all that Chicago has to offer for Christmas traditions, but that will happen in its own time. :) Hopefully this year, and hopefully with friends, and perhaps a specific friend. Until then, I'll keep my mind occupied with thoughts of snow, presents, cozy fires, "White Christmas" play on Dec. 23rd with my family, christmas songs, lights, decorations, etc... Can't wait can't wait can't wait!
9) Potential St. Louis visit... December here I come!! I love STL, and everyone keeps getting on me to come visit, so by golly I think it's about time I try to come visit! The potential plans are to go down on Thursday night 12/7, go to school on 12/8 and help with Drop-Off Sunday on 12/10. I think. It's on the DL, all hypothetical, but I'm so excited about the possibility! Oh the possibilities... That's my personal motto/theme right now. :)
10) And finally, I saved a puppy yesterday. It came tearing out of this house yesterday while I was walking to the bus stop after work. It stopped behind a car, who was parked on the street waiting to pull out of his parking spot. I'm not sure if he saw the puppy or not, but once he caught the break in traffic I knew he'd try to leave. So I motioned for him to wait, then sqautted down to try and coax the puppy out from behind the car, where he was barking at who knows what in the street. She turned and looked at me, and I kept saying, "come here pup, come on, come on pup" and finally her little paws came up on the sidewalk and just like that she ran back up her steps. The guy in the car smiled at me and I walked away, knowing I had saved a puppy. A super cute adorable lovable "I want to take her home with me" kind of puppy. And I'm the cat-owner :)
Ok, time to go channel this good mood and all this energy! Take Care and know I love you all!
Bri :)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Nothing Productive
This has been the week of Non-Productivity! And not on purpose either!
Tuesday was our big media day/event, so that was exhausting and caused me to be super busy all day Monday. Wednesday I had a workshop all day and the first day of "tutoring" in the afternoon. Today was Picture Day/Vision Testing/Library Cleaning Day -- and throughout this entire week I've had to meet with parents about filling out scholarship forms! I'm ready for it to be Friday, but alas I have one more day to get through after today.
So what am I doing on Blogger if I'm in so desparate need to be productive! I think it's because my mind is going in a million different places and my fingers need to exert the same amount of energy that my mind is by typing as fast as they can while my thoughts spill from my brain. That happens a lot anyway and is not always a bad thing.
It's been an interesting week personally... some old habits that I hate have peeked out, and have not fully exposed themselves but even the short glimpses I've seen I don't like. Why can't I ever STOP being the way that I am sometimes? Most of the time, being me is great. But we all have habits -- ways of interacting with people, ways of reacting to people/things, ways of handling situations, ways of talking/speaking/writing/etc., that we just don't like and we know that we're not good people or at least not the best people when we do those things but we just can't seem to help it on some level. At least I feel like I've been able to curb it somewhat, and it's definitely been better in this sitaution than in other situations in the past. Perhaps that's a benefit of working together every day, sort of. Anyway, I really need to get out and meet some new people and start forming some other friendships. I don't know what it's so hard for me -- supposedly I'm this extroverted person, but you put me in a room with all strangers and I will be the shy girl in the back who barely talks to anyone or who waits for someone to come to her or makes small talk with a few people and not the whole room. It's got to be somewhat of a confidence issue, which I guess bothers me too. I have come such a long way in my levels of self-confidence and self-esteem, and I think that's what bothers me about this recruitment thing and about going to social events by myself. It's like I'm confident in myself, except in certain situations. And yes we all have healthy (and sometimes not so healthy) levels of fear and uncomfortable feelings, but I personally hate being vulnerable like that. Especially because I feel like it's not attractive, and THAT drives me nuts.
Anyway, that's enough of my ranting and rambling for now. I've been singing Godspell and Rent in my head all week, and quite frankly today I had a mad love-affair with the Kindergarten & 1st grades that brought me back to last year... I miss those kids, man, and my 8th graders. Haha, by the way, I totally told off the 7th grade on Tuesday. Ask me someday, and I'll tell you the story. My proudest "Teacher" moments last year and this year have come with my two oldest classes (8th grade at Cabrini and 7th grade here). Fr. Tim says I have a second calling as a teacher -- I say no way in hell, I could never deal with the paperwork or the amount of work they do at home or having to be "on" constantly. I'll leave that to people who are actually passionate about teaching. I'll stick with my fundraising and dealing with kids on a more parttime basis. :)
Tuesday was our big media day/event, so that was exhausting and caused me to be super busy all day Monday. Wednesday I had a workshop all day and the first day of "tutoring" in the afternoon. Today was Picture Day/Vision Testing/Library Cleaning Day -- and throughout this entire week I've had to meet with parents about filling out scholarship forms! I'm ready for it to be Friday, but alas I have one more day to get through after today.
So what am I doing on Blogger if I'm in so desparate need to be productive! I think it's because my mind is going in a million different places and my fingers need to exert the same amount of energy that my mind is by typing as fast as they can while my thoughts spill from my brain. That happens a lot anyway and is not always a bad thing.
It's been an interesting week personally... some old habits that I hate have peeked out, and have not fully exposed themselves but even the short glimpses I've seen I don't like. Why can't I ever STOP being the way that I am sometimes? Most of the time, being me is great. But we all have habits -- ways of interacting with people, ways of reacting to people/things, ways of handling situations, ways of talking/speaking/writing/etc., that we just don't like and we know that we're not good people or at least not the best people when we do those things but we just can't seem to help it on some level. At least I feel like I've been able to curb it somewhat, and it's definitely been better in this sitaution than in other situations in the past. Perhaps that's a benefit of working together every day, sort of. Anyway, I really need to get out and meet some new people and start forming some other friendships. I don't know what it's so hard for me -- supposedly I'm this extroverted person, but you put me in a room with all strangers and I will be the shy girl in the back who barely talks to anyone or who waits for someone to come to her or makes small talk with a few people and not the whole room. It's got to be somewhat of a confidence issue, which I guess bothers me too. I have come such a long way in my levels of self-confidence and self-esteem, and I think that's what bothers me about this recruitment thing and about going to social events by myself. It's like I'm confident in myself, except in certain situations. And yes we all have healthy (and sometimes not so healthy) levels of fear and uncomfortable feelings, but I personally hate being vulnerable like that. Especially because I feel like it's not attractive, and THAT drives me nuts.
Anyway, that's enough of my ranting and rambling for now. I've been singing Godspell and Rent in my head all week, and quite frankly today I had a mad love-affair with the Kindergarten & 1st grades that brought me back to last year... I miss those kids, man, and my 8th graders. Haha, by the way, I totally told off the 7th grade on Tuesday. Ask me someday, and I'll tell you the story. My proudest "Teacher" moments last year and this year have come with my two oldest classes (8th grade at Cabrini and 7th grade here). Fr. Tim says I have a second calling as a teacher -- I say no way in hell, I could never deal with the paperwork or the amount of work they do at home or having to be "on" constantly. I'll leave that to people who are actually passionate about teaching. I'll stick with my fundraising and dealing with kids on a more parttime basis. :)
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Mixing Business with Pleasure
I've always heard that mixing business and pleasure is a tricky business. I've found that to be incredibly true lately. I have found a really good new friend in our assistant principal, but he's sort of a "boss" to me and our coworker relationship is a lot more aloof, formal, and "strict" than our personal friendship is becoming. We have a great time outside of school -- hanging out, talking, sharing stories, relaxing, etc. We share a lot of the same interests and can talk for hours. However, it's hard to put that aside in a work-setting. I'm not used to working with someone I feel that personally connected with, especially someone who could potentially become a really great friend. All my other jobs, ever, have had me working with people in either a tolerant relationship (we work together and tolerate each other and that's that) or we've had a great time but didn't really extend the socializing past work or work-related activities. The only time that has not been the case was with Mike & Amy, and that situation was unique and very drama-filled (I'm not even going to go there). This is the first normal and real friendship I've found in Chicago, and it happens to be with a coworker that yes I find I feel an attraction towards. That doesn't help matters, but the potential for friendship closeness is there anyway (and actually makes the attraction part more difficult to ignore).
He said I don't have enough confidence in my abilities, and in a lot of ways he's right. I was very confident in myself and my abilities when I was job hunting, but now that I have a job it's like I'm totally insecure. I think I'm just not comfortable in this environment and that makes it difficult for me to be comfortable and confident in my job. I think the language barrier is a huge issue, and I think the tasks that I'm required to do are so broad and overwhelming that I can only do so much and feel like I'm slacking when I don't get to everything! Fr. Tim wants me to do this recruiting push, and I appreciate AND understand the need for it but that's a full-time job and if I take a month to dedicate to that, then the development/marketing efforts will fall by the wayside (just like me focusing on the development/marketing efforts means the recruiting will fall by the wayside). I feel that in the desire to do marketing, development AND recruiting I am failing to meet expectations for all three. I really want to get parents involved in the recruiting part of things, because they are our best advocates, but that requires organization too. I would much rather do that than feel like I have to do this recruiting thing all by myself. I'm getting a committee to help with my fundraiser, why can't I have a recruiting committee? It's very stressful trying to balance all of this, AND move into my apartment, AND help with all the last minute support/details of Steph's wedding (did I MENTION that Holy Hill said all the girls have to wear straps on our dresses? Fine for the bridesmaids, because ours are strapless/strap convertible, but Steph's was made strapless... she really doesn't want to wear a shawl, so she has to figure out to get straps into her already gorgeous wedding dress... GEEZ. And they couldn't have told us this 8 months ago?!) Anyway, I do thrive under pressure, but this time the emotional impact stems from a deeper feeling of dissatisfaction and like I'm not living up to my potential. I purposely hold myself back because I don't want to burn out, but that means I don't fully immerse myself heart and soul into things, which is where the greatest achievements happen. The only times I have really full given of myself 100% to a "job" were at Cabrini (from the little kids up to the 8th grade musical), Frosh 2-Day retreat, and the week of Christmas Program. Isn't that amazing and sad? Those were the most fulfilling moments of my life, and it's because I truly immersed myself in the mission and purpose and let myself love and be filled with compassion during those times. Why can't I let myself do it anywhere else, esp. in my daily life and in my career? Perhaps it's because I know this isn't my career goal in life... I feel so at home when I think about getting that Masters in Spirituality, but I know I'm not going to do that right now... I need to get through at least one year of work. And of course part of me wonders what will happen with whatever friendships I form here at Procopius if/when I leave in a year or two...
Anyway, I could ramble for a while, but I really need to eat lunch before my 3rd meeting of the day starts in 10 minutes. Pray for me, and know that I am with you always.
Love,
Bri
He said I don't have enough confidence in my abilities, and in a lot of ways he's right. I was very confident in myself and my abilities when I was job hunting, but now that I have a job it's like I'm totally insecure. I think I'm just not comfortable in this environment and that makes it difficult for me to be comfortable and confident in my job. I think the language barrier is a huge issue, and I think the tasks that I'm required to do are so broad and overwhelming that I can only do so much and feel like I'm slacking when I don't get to everything! Fr. Tim wants me to do this recruiting push, and I appreciate AND understand the need for it but that's a full-time job and if I take a month to dedicate to that, then the development/marketing efforts will fall by the wayside (just like me focusing on the development/marketing efforts means the recruiting will fall by the wayside). I feel that in the desire to do marketing, development AND recruiting I am failing to meet expectations for all three. I really want to get parents involved in the recruiting part of things, because they are our best advocates, but that requires organization too. I would much rather do that than feel like I have to do this recruiting thing all by myself. I'm getting a committee to help with my fundraiser, why can't I have a recruiting committee? It's very stressful trying to balance all of this, AND move into my apartment, AND help with all the last minute support/details of Steph's wedding (did I MENTION that Holy Hill said all the girls have to wear straps on our dresses? Fine for the bridesmaids, because ours are strapless/strap convertible, but Steph's was made strapless... she really doesn't want to wear a shawl, so she has to figure out to get straps into her already gorgeous wedding dress... GEEZ. And they couldn't have told us this 8 months ago?!) Anyway, I do thrive under pressure, but this time the emotional impact stems from a deeper feeling of dissatisfaction and like I'm not living up to my potential. I purposely hold myself back because I don't want to burn out, but that means I don't fully immerse myself heart and soul into things, which is where the greatest achievements happen. The only times I have really full given of myself 100% to a "job" were at Cabrini (from the little kids up to the 8th grade musical), Frosh 2-Day retreat, and the week of Christmas Program. Isn't that amazing and sad? Those were the most fulfilling moments of my life, and it's because I truly immersed myself in the mission and purpose and let myself love and be filled with compassion during those times. Why can't I let myself do it anywhere else, esp. in my daily life and in my career? Perhaps it's because I know this isn't my career goal in life... I feel so at home when I think about getting that Masters in Spirituality, but I know I'm not going to do that right now... I need to get through at least one year of work. And of course part of me wonders what will happen with whatever friendships I form here at Procopius if/when I leave in a year or two...
Anyway, I could ramble for a while, but I really need to eat lunch before my 3rd meeting of the day starts in 10 minutes. Pray for me, and know that I am with you always.
Love,
Bri
Monday, October 02, 2006
Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone
It is one of the hardest things to do. There's something you are incredibly uncomfortable with, something you really dislike doing, and it becomes something you are required to do. Not only that, but it's something that someone will definitely be checking up on you to make sure you've done it. Everyone's got something like that in their lives. For me, it's the "recruiting" aspect of my "Director of Development & Student Recruitment" job here at St. Procopius School.
I don't know why I'm so anti-recruiting. I think part of it is I hate cold calling. I could call Marquette alumni, no problem, because they already had a vested interest in the school (even if they chose not to recognize that). They'd gone to Marquette, they'd lived there, attended class, been involved in things. They knew the streets and the dorms and the academic buildings. They knew the traditions and the circumstances behind the great university. Even if they chose not to make financial contributions over the years for whatever reason, and even if they had negative views of the "Catholic nature" of the school or "political climate" Marquette creates, that doesn't matter because they're still alumni and they're still part of the Marquette family. When it comes to trying to bring new students into this elementary school, it's a lot harder. I have to go to day cares, real estate agents, churches, and libraries in neighborhoods I don't know, praying I don't get lost (not to mention the transportation difficulties -- either driving an unfamiliar car on unfamiliar streets, or taking a bus or taxi or "L" everywhere). I have to go *hoping* that I don't run into an all-Spanish environment (because I don't speak a lick of the language). I have to go hoping that they'll put out my fliers and even if they do, hoping that those fliers actually do some good.
I know I know, pessimism gets you nowhere. I have always been the optimistic person, and I've always been the "go get 'em" girl. But for some reason, I have this MAJOR insecurity and fear of this aspect of my job. If I had someone, ANYONE, to go do this with me, I'd feel a lot happier and more comfortable. At this point, I am just extremely skittish about the whole thing. It's not good. It's very much stressing me out. I guess I just don't know that it'll do any good, handing out all these fliers. But, we'll see right? I mean, there's no harm in trying. I just have to keep telling myself that because I'm a little passive aggressive & totally procrastinating and putting the whole thing off. Come on God, continue kicking me in the butt, it's ok. :)
I don't know why I'm so anti-recruiting. I think part of it is I hate cold calling. I could call Marquette alumni, no problem, because they already had a vested interest in the school (even if they chose not to recognize that). They'd gone to Marquette, they'd lived there, attended class, been involved in things. They knew the streets and the dorms and the academic buildings. They knew the traditions and the circumstances behind the great university. Even if they chose not to make financial contributions over the years for whatever reason, and even if they had negative views of the "Catholic nature" of the school or "political climate" Marquette creates, that doesn't matter because they're still alumni and they're still part of the Marquette family. When it comes to trying to bring new students into this elementary school, it's a lot harder. I have to go to day cares, real estate agents, churches, and libraries in neighborhoods I don't know, praying I don't get lost (not to mention the transportation difficulties -- either driving an unfamiliar car on unfamiliar streets, or taking a bus or taxi or "L" everywhere). I have to go *hoping* that I don't run into an all-Spanish environment (because I don't speak a lick of the language). I have to go hoping that they'll put out my fliers and even if they do, hoping that those fliers actually do some good.
I know I know, pessimism gets you nowhere. I have always been the optimistic person, and I've always been the "go get 'em" girl. But for some reason, I have this MAJOR insecurity and fear of this aspect of my job. If I had someone, ANYONE, to go do this with me, I'd feel a lot happier and more comfortable. At this point, I am just extremely skittish about the whole thing. It's not good. It's very much stressing me out. I guess I just don't know that it'll do any good, handing out all these fliers. But, we'll see right? I mean, there's no harm in trying. I just have to keep telling myself that because I'm a little passive aggressive & totally procrastinating and putting the whole thing off. Come on God, continue kicking me in the butt, it's ok. :)
Monday, September 25, 2006
DA BEARS!
This was double-posted for a while and the only way to get rid of the duplicate was to repost it... originally it was from Friday Septmber 15, 2006:
I FINALLY GET TO GO TO A BEARS GAME WITH RYAN! :D
Do you know how excited I am about that? I finally live in this city, and he finally invites me to a game other than "the Sunday after Thanksgiving" (which is when he usually asks me to go). PLUS, this is the Bears home opener for this season, so there will be a ton of people there, and it's not too cold out yet, and I'm so excited! Ryan is the one who got me into watching football on a regular basis, and he's the reason I'm a Bears fan in the first place. So, it's fitting that the last thing we get to do together before he moves to Pennsylvania is to enjoy a live Bears game together. Dude, this is my first live NFL experience! I am so excited! My "oh-so-boring" weekend just got a helluva lot more exciting! :)
Maybe I WILL go shopping tonight. :)
I FINALLY GET TO GO TO A BEARS GAME WITH RYAN! :D
Do you know how excited I am about that? I finally live in this city, and he finally invites me to a game other than "the Sunday after Thanksgiving" (which is when he usually asks me to go). PLUS, this is the Bears home opener for this season, so there will be a ton of people there, and it's not too cold out yet, and I'm so excited! Ryan is the one who got me into watching football on a regular basis, and he's the reason I'm a Bears fan in the first place. So, it's fitting that the last thing we get to do together before he moves to Pennsylvania is to enjoy a live Bears game together. Dude, this is my first live NFL experience! I am so excited! My "oh-so-boring" weekend just got a helluva lot more exciting! :)
Maybe I WILL go shopping tonight. :)
Friday, September 15, 2006
Cabrini Withdrawal
GEEZ do I miss my kiddos and friends from Cabrini Academy in St. Louis! I got their first ever newsletter, the Cabrini Courier, in the mail this morning and seeing pictures of my 8th graders and my 1st graders made me smile a mile wide but also made me really sad! I miss those kids, the faculty, that school like NONE OTHER. If I could move Cabrini to Chicago, I'd work there or volunteer there in a heartbeat. Sadly, they are in St. Louis, will be staying in St. Louis, and as I don't want to live in STL, I must work elsewhere. I know St. Procopius has the potential to capture my heart like Cabrini did, but I haven't quite gotten to that point yet. I hope it does, because my heart is full yet empty!
Monday, September 11, 2006
Remembering 9/11
I know that the whole country is doing this today (or they're avoiding doing this today), and I know a lot of people think it's probably blown out of proportion. But you know what? 9/11/2001 was a highly emotionally charged day and the way it's affected our country since then are hard to ignore. In fact, the trauma and the change is worth remembering, if for no other reason than to hopefully avoid the same mistakes again, and to honor the memory of those who were victims of an undeniably horrible tragedy.
For me, 9/11 kicked off a very interesting year for me. It was my freshman year of college, and I had been in Milwaukee, at Marquette, for 3 weeks when the World Trade Center went down. It was a Tuesday morning, and I had an 11 o'clock class. I slept in, as usual, and after my shower got to talking to my dad on AIM. He asked if I had seen the news, and I said no, so he told me to turn it on. I didn't really comprehend what I was seeing at first -- it was unreal, but I knew very little about New York or the WTC or the magnitude of what was happening. I'll admit, I was a little shaken and I didn't even know why.
I walked to my HP English class in a little bit of a daze -- I think we all were in one. I don't really remember how I got there, but I got there, and Angela Sorby in all her classic-Sorbyness was shaken and talked for 10 minutes before letting us go. By noon, the university had cancelled the rest of the day's classes. All I remember is watching tv all day. Since it was the beginning of my rebellion against God/religion, I didn't go to any of the memorial services. Maybe if I had, things that year would have been different, but at that point I was not motivated to do it. I remember calling mom and leaving her a message because I knew she was working nights... when she got my message she originally thought the president had been shot/killed. Obviously not, but the trauma was about the same, if not worse. I also remember getting a call from my uncle Roger (my dad's brother), who apparently had flown out of Boston that morning to somewhere south along the east coast (North Carolina maybe?) He was stranded, away from his family, just as I was stranded, away from mine. It was good to talk to him, even though it was awkward since we usually didn't hear from each other when it wasn't a holiday. I don't even remember what I said to Val, my roommate. Did we talk about it (like we ever talked about anything else, why would we talk about this?) or did we spend time with our "friends" (what real "friends" could we have after 3 weeks of school? Certainly not the familiar close friends from home). I was not on the best of terms with my mother at that point, and Dad as usual was Dad, but I can remember really wanting/needing someone family-related close by. But I was alone, in a strange new city, with nothing but email, telephone, and AIM to keep me connected. I found an old email I wrote that day, and I wanted to share parts of it:
"Hey Guys, It has most definitely been an interesting day... everyone keeps talking about how it's like with Kennedy was shot, how we'll remember this day forever... i didn't expect this in a million years, and i am surprised at how in shock it made me. And as stupid as it sounds, all I could think about when I saw the footage was the movie "Independence Day"- except for the whole alien thing. It sounds crazy, but it's true... some unknown (semi-unknown) force implemented disaster on our country, taking out our major military and financial places of business... So many people have been personally affected- many have friends or family at school or living or travelling within these premises today... Today has been a day of reconnecting as much as possible; email, IM and phone have become increasingly important. It's insane. TVs have been on all day, in everyone's room we wait to hear the latest update... Time seems to have come to a standstill and with the cancelling of classes in some schools, we have been forced to think about it... I have friends worried about war, distrusting President Bush, talking about Arabs and lots of other terriosts issues... I haven't even begun to consider who or why- i'm still trying to deal with the what."
Five years later, and I'm STILL trying to deal with the what. So much has changed since then -- politically, environmentally, socially, personally -- and yet that day is ingrained in me and my memory to every intricate detail. I had forgotten until I began to look back at old journal entries and emails how much it affected me and my life -- it affected my first semester of Phonathon calling (we weren't allowed to call the East Coast at first, then it was limited to just NY/DC), and I realized that not only was my uncle stranded but my cousin Phillip was at that point overseas (in Korea, if memory serves me correctly) serving in the army (he did eventually go to Iraq). A year and a half later, during my ADPR/HP seminar on "Media, Religion, and Cultural Identity", we were talking via webcam with the person in charge of some "Center for Christian-Muslim Understanding" the day Pres. Bush declared war on Iraq. How ironic is that?
It just amazes me that every year this anniversary gets to me. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, it is ALWAYS a day of reflection for me. I have a million things to do today at work, and there are much "better" ways I could be spending my Monday time. However, to me, I have to acknowledge these feelings. Every year it's a flashback -- I go back to that day, how I felt, where I was, who I was, who I was with, and that leads down the road to remembering what it was like to be in college for me, especially those first two years. People that were in my life then that aren't in my life now, the people that became destined to become part of my life, the dramas that ensued, the events that took place -- September 11, 2001 jump-started the whole blasted thing! If not for 9/11, I don't doubt that my freshman year would still have been rough but I don't think it would have had the same tone, and there by far would not have been the political/social environment surrounding my life as there was because of the terrorist attacks.
I could talk for hours about this, partially because I never really have. I journal about it every other year or so, but really, I deal with it in my own way on my own terms. It would be better for me to really truly deal, but I only know one person (at this point) I could do it with and she's 2 hours away work evenings all week. The other is someone I could talk to about it over drinks... and I didn't even know him 5 years ago (met him the weekend following 9/11 to be exact). It amazes me that this much has changed in my world and my life, and I can't even begin to put a finger on the WAYS it has changed me. I just know it has, and I know it will continue to change me and be part of me for the rest of my life.
Maybe that's what days like today are all about anyway -- remembering yes, mourning of course, but really truly attempting to understand and comprehend and accept and acknowledge and act on the changes that are part of us because of it. That's where my hope and thoughts lie anyway.
For me, 9/11 kicked off a very interesting year for me. It was my freshman year of college, and I had been in Milwaukee, at Marquette, for 3 weeks when the World Trade Center went down. It was a Tuesday morning, and I had an 11 o'clock class. I slept in, as usual, and after my shower got to talking to my dad on AIM. He asked if I had seen the news, and I said no, so he told me to turn it on. I didn't really comprehend what I was seeing at first -- it was unreal, but I knew very little about New York or the WTC or the magnitude of what was happening. I'll admit, I was a little shaken and I didn't even know why.
I walked to my HP English class in a little bit of a daze -- I think we all were in one. I don't really remember how I got there, but I got there, and Angela Sorby in all her classic-Sorbyness was shaken and talked for 10 minutes before letting us go. By noon, the university had cancelled the rest of the day's classes. All I remember is watching tv all day. Since it was the beginning of my rebellion against God/religion, I didn't go to any of the memorial services. Maybe if I had, things that year would have been different, but at that point I was not motivated to do it. I remember calling mom and leaving her a message because I knew she was working nights... when she got my message she originally thought the president had been shot/killed. Obviously not, but the trauma was about the same, if not worse. I also remember getting a call from my uncle Roger (my dad's brother), who apparently had flown out of Boston that morning to somewhere south along the east coast (North Carolina maybe?) He was stranded, away from his family, just as I was stranded, away from mine. It was good to talk to him, even though it was awkward since we usually didn't hear from each other when it wasn't a holiday. I don't even remember what I said to Val, my roommate. Did we talk about it (like we ever talked about anything else, why would we talk about this?) or did we spend time with our "friends" (what real "friends" could we have after 3 weeks of school? Certainly not the familiar close friends from home). I was not on the best of terms with my mother at that point, and Dad as usual was Dad, but I can remember really wanting/needing someone family-related close by. But I was alone, in a strange new city, with nothing but email, telephone, and AIM to keep me connected. I found an old email I wrote that day, and I wanted to share parts of it:
"Hey Guys, It has most definitely been an interesting day... everyone keeps talking about how it's like with Kennedy was shot, how we'll remember this day forever... i didn't expect this in a million years, and i am surprised at how in shock it made me. And as stupid as it sounds, all I could think about when I saw the footage was the movie "Independence Day"- except for the whole alien thing. It sounds crazy, but it's true... some unknown (semi-unknown) force implemented disaster on our country, taking out our major military and financial places of business... So many people have been personally affected- many have friends or family at school or living or travelling within these premises today... Today has been a day of reconnecting as much as possible; email, IM and phone have become increasingly important. It's insane. TVs have been on all day, in everyone's room we wait to hear the latest update... Time seems to have come to a standstill and with the cancelling of classes in some schools, we have been forced to think about it... I have friends worried about war, distrusting President Bush, talking about Arabs and lots of other terriosts issues... I haven't even begun to consider who or why- i'm still trying to deal with the what."
Five years later, and I'm STILL trying to deal with the what. So much has changed since then -- politically, environmentally, socially, personally -- and yet that day is ingrained in me and my memory to every intricate detail. I had forgotten until I began to look back at old journal entries and emails how much it affected me and my life -- it affected my first semester of Phonathon calling (we weren't allowed to call the East Coast at first, then it was limited to just NY/DC), and I realized that not only was my uncle stranded but my cousin Phillip was at that point overseas (in Korea, if memory serves me correctly) serving in the army (he did eventually go to Iraq). A year and a half later, during my ADPR/HP seminar on "Media, Religion, and Cultural Identity", we were talking via webcam with the person in charge of some "Center for Christian-Muslim Understanding" the day Pres. Bush declared war on Iraq. How ironic is that?
It just amazes me that every year this anniversary gets to me. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, it is ALWAYS a day of reflection for me. I have a million things to do today at work, and there are much "better" ways I could be spending my Monday time. However, to me, I have to acknowledge these feelings. Every year it's a flashback -- I go back to that day, how I felt, where I was, who I was, who I was with, and that leads down the road to remembering what it was like to be in college for me, especially those first two years. People that were in my life then that aren't in my life now, the people that became destined to become part of my life, the dramas that ensued, the events that took place -- September 11, 2001 jump-started the whole blasted thing! If not for 9/11, I don't doubt that my freshman year would still have been rough but I don't think it would have had the same tone, and there by far would not have been the political/social environment surrounding my life as there was because of the terrorist attacks.
I could talk for hours about this, partially because I never really have. I journal about it every other year or so, but really, I deal with it in my own way on my own terms. It would be better for me to really truly deal, but I only know one person (at this point) I could do it with and she's 2 hours away work evenings all week. The other is someone I could talk to about it over drinks... and I didn't even know him 5 years ago (met him the weekend following 9/11 to be exact). It amazes me that this much has changed in my world and my life, and I can't even begin to put a finger on the WAYS it has changed me. I just know it has, and I know it will continue to change me and be part of me for the rest of my life.
Maybe that's what days like today are all about anyway -- remembering yes, mourning of course, but really truly attempting to understand and comprehend and accept and acknowledge and act on the changes that are part of us because of it. That's where my hope and thoughts lie anyway.
Monday, August 28, 2006
I love Chicago
I absolutely love this town. It never ceases to amaze how many people are around at any given time, and how much diversity there is! I pass every sort of ethnicity and background on my daily walks to and from the Clinton & 18th "L" stations, from the "going to work" sophisticates to the "I need some work" Mexican men sitting outside the bakery. I hope that didn't sound harsh, but that's what the streets are like! I rarely see the Hispanic women sitting out on the steps -- they're either inside or at work somewhere (I have no idea). Near Katie's place, it's lots of taxis, people getting on/off the Metra, and people dressed nice trying to get downtown. It'll be a whole other ball game once I get up to DePaul.
But I do love this city. And so far the job is good as well. I have to try not to pressure myself too much and realize that I am only one person and I can only do so much in one day, one week, one month. I can ask for a little guidance and then I can run with my ideas until I hit the next era of needing guidance. Although Fr. Tim and Adam are not around too much, I am able to do what I need to do. I realize I rely a lot on email versus phone, but I'll follow up some of the emails with phone calls if they don't respond (some people are better at getting back via email because it's always there and they can get to it when they have time). Fr. Tim also took a little bit of pressure off me today due to fundraising & recruitment stuff -- I'll tell ya, not speaking a lick of Spanish may make my job somewhat harder, but it also gets me off the hook somewhat for the part of my job I'm least comfortable with (recruitment). More will happen on that in the Spring, when I know more! :)
Katie's been awesome letting me stay at her place, and I can't believe the Vincentians are letting me stay a month. A-MAZ-ING. :) I can tell that there will be some differences with the other GVVA-C crowd and me though -- Suz is always talking to/hanging out with Christy, Jeremy & Toshio. They're good people, but I really enjoy Audrey, and I don't feel like I always have to hang out with all of them if I want to hang out with one of them. Suz just needs a job to come through -- I know it's way stressing her out, and it's probably part of the reason we can't chat as much right now. It's a good thing we didn't live together -- that would not have gone well I don't think.
Much more to say, but not philosophical enough to say it. Some other time. :)
But I do love this city. And so far the job is good as well. I have to try not to pressure myself too much and realize that I am only one person and I can only do so much in one day, one week, one month. I can ask for a little guidance and then I can run with my ideas until I hit the next era of needing guidance. Although Fr. Tim and Adam are not around too much, I am able to do what I need to do. I realize I rely a lot on email versus phone, but I'll follow up some of the emails with phone calls if they don't respond (some people are better at getting back via email because it's always there and they can get to it when they have time). Fr. Tim also took a little bit of pressure off me today due to fundraising & recruitment stuff -- I'll tell ya, not speaking a lick of Spanish may make my job somewhat harder, but it also gets me off the hook somewhat for the part of my job I'm least comfortable with (recruitment). More will happen on that in the Spring, when I know more! :)
Katie's been awesome letting me stay at her place, and I can't believe the Vincentians are letting me stay a month. A-MAZ-ING. :) I can tell that there will be some differences with the other GVVA-C crowd and me though -- Suz is always talking to/hanging out with Christy, Jeremy & Toshio. They're good people, but I really enjoy Audrey, and I don't feel like I always have to hang out with all of them if I want to hang out with one of them. Suz just needs a job to come through -- I know it's way stressing her out, and it's probably part of the reason we can't chat as much right now. It's a good thing we didn't live together -- that would not have gone well I don't think.
Much more to say, but not philosophical enough to say it. Some other time. :)
Friday, July 21, 2006
In Tune with My Soul
| You Are a Prophet Soul |
 You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
Thursday, July 20, 2006
this is why myspace is addicting
Here's the truth: I was never into facebook in college. I hated the concept, I hated the distraction, and I hated the pressure to "fit in" by doing it. I thought it was the stupidest thing and didn't want to waste my time always being on it. So I never did it.
I viewed myspace as the same type of deal. However, Suzette and Annie did it this year, and I figured that it may be a great way to keep in touch with them and other GVV-related peeps after this year was over. Besides, I was bored and was feeling crazy out of touch with tons of people, so I succumbed to the pressure and the "trend" and joined myspace. The cool thing is, I have since gotten back in touch with Circle K graduates, a couple college buddies I don't hardly ever get to talk to, and GET THIS -- my best friend from when I was 4-8 years old!
This girl and I lived next door to each other from the time we were born til the time we both moved away at the beginning of second grade. She's the one who got me into dance -- her sister started so we started. Megan was HELLA better than me, by a million, but we had some fun times together when we were little. The thing is, when we both moved, she had already joined the performing lines at our dance studio. She became the cool popular girl (she was of course pretty and talented) and I became the geek (glasses, not as coordinated, etc.) So, we went our separate ways. We haven't seen each other or spoken in probably 14-15 years? I have oftend wondered about how things have gone for her. She left Dance Shoppe and I didn't know where she went to high school until I came across her picture in a friend's yearbook. I didn't have a clue what she did for college or anything, and I had no idea how her family was doing. But, I found her on myspace and sent her a message saying hi, sending my best wishes, told her I was glad to see she was still dancing because she was always amazing and her ability/passion always inspired me, and asked about her family. I didn't know if she'd respond or not, but I thought what the hell, why not give it a shot! At least she knows she's a good memory to an old friend, and that's not the worst thing in the world. But, see, here's the funny part. SHE WROTE BACK! She said, "this is why I joined myspace!" She said she was shocked and excited to hear from me and even called her mom to tell her! :) lol she told me about her brother and sisters (her sister, who I can only picture as a baby is now a SENIOR in HIGH SCHOOL! I can't even begin to imagine what any of them look like!) and about dancing out in California and moving back to Minnesota. It's amazing what these networking things can do. This meant more to me and put a bigger smile on my face than any other connection I could possibly make through this thing. I mean, seriously, we've always wondered what happened to each other and now here's our chance to find out! I don't ever expect us to be friends again, but it's so cool that we have the chance to reconnect and at least learn about what the other's life has been like since we were 8. She doesn't even know I have a cat or that my parents are divorced, and those have been part of my life's story for EVER! I'm just excited she wrote back. It's pretty kick ass how these things work. If I've learned anything from this, it's that God really DOES open doors, and life really is about destiny and fate. :)
Ok, it's late, I'll admit it. But seriously, how cool is it to know that you're not the only one who wondered whatever happened to someone else? Oh, and speaking of, I recently discovered during some random Googling that the son of my old daycare lady, a boy 4 years my junior whose mission in life at the time was to make MY life miserable, is this incredible sought-after hockey player who rocked the Twin Cities, played on some minor-league summer teams, and is playing Div-1 hockey this fall at a major university. The pictures of this 7-going-on-19 year old is unbelieveable. LOL, if they could see me now...
I viewed myspace as the same type of deal. However, Suzette and Annie did it this year, and I figured that it may be a great way to keep in touch with them and other GVV-related peeps after this year was over. Besides, I was bored and was feeling crazy out of touch with tons of people, so I succumbed to the pressure and the "trend" and joined myspace. The cool thing is, I have since gotten back in touch with Circle K graduates, a couple college buddies I don't hardly ever get to talk to, and GET THIS -- my best friend from when I was 4-8 years old!
This girl and I lived next door to each other from the time we were born til the time we both moved away at the beginning of second grade. She's the one who got me into dance -- her sister started so we started. Megan was HELLA better than me, by a million, but we had some fun times together when we were little. The thing is, when we both moved, she had already joined the performing lines at our dance studio. She became the cool popular girl (she was of course pretty and talented) and I became the geek (glasses, not as coordinated, etc.) So, we went our separate ways. We haven't seen each other or spoken in probably 14-15 years? I have oftend wondered about how things have gone for her. She left Dance Shoppe and I didn't know where she went to high school until I came across her picture in a friend's yearbook. I didn't have a clue what she did for college or anything, and I had no idea how her family was doing. But, I found her on myspace and sent her a message saying hi, sending my best wishes, told her I was glad to see she was still dancing because she was always amazing and her ability/passion always inspired me, and asked about her family. I didn't know if she'd respond or not, but I thought what the hell, why not give it a shot! At least she knows she's a good memory to an old friend, and that's not the worst thing in the world. But, see, here's the funny part. SHE WROTE BACK! She said, "this is why I joined myspace!" She said she was shocked and excited to hear from me and even called her mom to tell her! :) lol she told me about her brother and sisters (her sister, who I can only picture as a baby is now a SENIOR in HIGH SCHOOL! I can't even begin to imagine what any of them look like!) and about dancing out in California and moving back to Minnesota. It's amazing what these networking things can do. This meant more to me and put a bigger smile on my face than any other connection I could possibly make through this thing. I mean, seriously, we've always wondered what happened to each other and now here's our chance to find out! I don't ever expect us to be friends again, but it's so cool that we have the chance to reconnect and at least learn about what the other's life has been like since we were 8. She doesn't even know I have a cat or that my parents are divorced, and those have been part of my life's story for EVER! I'm just excited she wrote back. It's pretty kick ass how these things work. If I've learned anything from this, it's that God really DOES open doors, and life really is about destiny and fate. :)
Ok, it's late, I'll admit it. But seriously, how cool is it to know that you're not the only one who wondered whatever happened to someone else? Oh, and speaking of, I recently discovered during some random Googling that the son of my old daycare lady, a boy 4 years my junior whose mission in life at the time was to make MY life miserable, is this incredible sought-after hockey player who rocked the Twin Cities, played on some minor-league summer teams, and is playing Div-1 hockey this fall at a major university. The pictures of this 7-going-on-19 year old is unbelieveable. LOL, if they could see me now...
Monday, July 17, 2006
Greg's Job Prayer Advice
For all those looking for employment and don't mind a little bit of faith-based advice, here's what a dear friend of mine suggested:
Pray that God will open and close doors as he sees fit.
I personally used to always pray that God's will would be made known to me, but this seems a more direct request. :)
With this job offer that I'm not so sure about, and a couple other job opportunities still in the waiting game, I'm up for ANY kind of prayer. :)
Pray that God will open and close doors as he sees fit.
I personally used to always pray that God's will would be made known to me, but this seems a more direct request. :)
With this job offer that I'm not so sure about, and a couple other job opportunities still in the waiting game, I'm up for ANY kind of prayer. :)
Saturday, July 15, 2006
My sad and pathetic life
I just realized tonight, as I sat and watched tv, read a book, and constantly looked people up on myspace, that I am really sad and pathetic. I haven't held company with anyone my own age (except for a stepbrother who is 5 years my junior) in the two weeks since I left St. Louis! It's amazing what a drag your social life can be when you don't really know anyone back home and you don't want to take the time to meet anyone new because you're in transition and will be leaving soon!
I really need to get a life. I think too much, don't get enough fresh air or exercise (other than the handy treadmill downstairs), and I'm memorizing yet again the summer television schedule. I haven't even been scrapbooking! It's all tv, computers, and books. The occasional cribbage game with Michael, the occasional outing with my family, the occasional trip to the grocery store or Target or Michaels... This is really pathetic.
I am looking forward to my trip to Wisconsin/Chicago/Kansas City. I hope that this job situation sorts itself out by then, so I can at least apartment hunt while I'm in Chi-town. It'll give me something productive to look forward to doing.
Somehow I don't think I'm going to be doing any cleaning while Mom and John are in Alaska.
I really need to get a life. I think too much, don't get enough fresh air or exercise (other than the handy treadmill downstairs), and I'm memorizing yet again the summer television schedule. I haven't even been scrapbooking! It's all tv, computers, and books. The occasional cribbage game with Michael, the occasional outing with my family, the occasional trip to the grocery store or Target or Michaels... This is really pathetic.
I am looking forward to my trip to Wisconsin/Chicago/Kansas City. I hope that this job situation sorts itself out by then, so I can at least apartment hunt while I'm in Chi-town. It'll give me something productive to look forward to doing.
Somehow I don't think I'm going to be doing any cleaning while Mom and John are in Alaska.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Shit
I got offered a job, and I'm not sure if I want it. St. Procopius, a Catholic elementary school in Chicago, offered me a Development & Student Recruitment Director position in its 220-student Hispanic grade school. It has decent pay, freedom and flexibility, and would be working in an environment I learned to love this past year in St. Louis (inner city Catholic elementary school). So what are my hesitations? One, they want me there August 1, which would SO not be happening. The other thing that could be either a positive or a negative is that it would be a one-person show -- I would be the entire Development department, rather than working on a development team. I would work with the pastor and the principal, but pretty much would be in charge of the entire school's development plan myself. That could be an awesome thing, but it could also be a little overwhelming. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take on that kind of project myself. Yes I'd like a challenge, but part of me wants my first job to be in the safety zone of a well-known organization where I might have some opportunity for advancement, AND where I'd have people working with and above me who could teach me a great deal. Do I want to be isolated, working by myself, or do I want to be part of a group environment? Also, there's little room for lateral advancement -- I work this job a couple years, and if I decide it's time for a change, I have to leave the school to get the next level of employment. The school is a Big Shoulders school and I find Big Shoulders to be an awesome organization. However, I don't really know how much direct contact I'd have with BSF or the organizations that give St. Procopius money.
Part of me thinks, "This is a great opportunity to learn and to see what you can do! I know I'd succeed and would do great things for that school" and that same part of me says "Those kids deserve someone to stand up for them and get them money and resources. Other schools have a whole team dedicated to doing just that, and yet this school and these kids might not have anyone if I don't take this job (although they'd find someone else)." I feel like working at this school would continue the Vincentian mission and charism of working for and with the poor, because the kids come from very poor Hispanic families that do not have a lot of opportunity for education.
What would happen if either KIPP or CAWC offered me jobs too? What if they want to meet me and invite me in for second interviews? I suppose I could ask them the likelihood of that under the guise (or not so guise-ish) that I have another offer but am interested in their organizations and would like to know if I have a chance before committing to this job... I could also ask Fr. Tim if it would be alright for me to visit the school, meet him and the principal, and see the general area while I'm in Chicago at the end of July. At that point, if I do have second, in-person interviews with the other two places, I could figure it out and apartment hunt during those three days I have in Chi-town. Ideally, that's what would be awesome to happen. Realistically, I don't know what to expect to happen. Both KIPP and CAWC have missions I believe in, and of course I believe in quality Catholic education, which is what St. Procopius provides.
My gut instinct after the phone chat with Fr. Tim and after he sent me the "job description" was that he seemed unorganized, and didn't have a real solid plan or idea of what he wanted or what I'd be doing. Plus, from the little I know of the area from my visit to Cristo Rey, I don't really know how comfortable I'd be in that neighborhood. I really don't know. I believe gut instincts are important. At the same time, my gut instinct now (which might be biased by the fact that I've actually been offered a position) is that I'd enjoy working at St. Procopius and would not only like but would come to love the work and the kids and the school.
My only question is, if KIPP or CAWC were to offer me a job, would I take one of them over St. Procopius in a heartbeat or would I decide to take St. Procopius instead? And will I constantly be comparing St. Procopius to Cabrini, setting it up to be more than what it can be because I have such a high view and love of Cabrini?
If I could answer those questions, I would know whether or not to take this job. I pray that God guides my heart in this matter.
Part of me thinks, "This is a great opportunity to learn and to see what you can do! I know I'd succeed and would do great things for that school" and that same part of me says "Those kids deserve someone to stand up for them and get them money and resources. Other schools have a whole team dedicated to doing just that, and yet this school and these kids might not have anyone if I don't take this job (although they'd find someone else)." I feel like working at this school would continue the Vincentian mission and charism of working for and with the poor, because the kids come from very poor Hispanic families that do not have a lot of opportunity for education.
What would happen if either KIPP or CAWC offered me jobs too? What if they want to meet me and invite me in for second interviews? I suppose I could ask them the likelihood of that under the guise (or not so guise-ish) that I have another offer but am interested in their organizations and would like to know if I have a chance before committing to this job... I could also ask Fr. Tim if it would be alright for me to visit the school, meet him and the principal, and see the general area while I'm in Chicago at the end of July. At that point, if I do have second, in-person interviews with the other two places, I could figure it out and apartment hunt during those three days I have in Chi-town. Ideally, that's what would be awesome to happen. Realistically, I don't know what to expect to happen. Both KIPP and CAWC have missions I believe in, and of course I believe in quality Catholic education, which is what St. Procopius provides.
My gut instinct after the phone chat with Fr. Tim and after he sent me the "job description" was that he seemed unorganized, and didn't have a real solid plan or idea of what he wanted or what I'd be doing. Plus, from the little I know of the area from my visit to Cristo Rey, I don't really know how comfortable I'd be in that neighborhood. I really don't know. I believe gut instincts are important. At the same time, my gut instinct now (which might be biased by the fact that I've actually been offered a position) is that I'd enjoy working at St. Procopius and would not only like but would come to love the work and the kids and the school.
My only question is, if KIPP or CAWC were to offer me a job, would I take one of them over St. Procopius in a heartbeat or would I decide to take St. Procopius instead? And will I constantly be comparing St. Procopius to Cabrini, setting it up to be more than what it can be because I have such a high view and love of Cabrini?
If I could answer those questions, I would know whether or not to take this job. I pray that God guides my heart in this matter.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Young and Idealistic
I know I'm young, idealistic, and therefore awfully naive. I'm full of compassion, optimism, and some belief that people are generally good at heart.
When it comes to this job hunting stuff, being all that isn't necessarily the best business-minded thing. How do I tell two people I've only met once that I felt an instant connection that day, that they are the type of people I want to be "when I grow up" and I feel I could learn a lot from them as mentors. How do you ask someone you sought as an employer to be a mentor? Can you? Can you do that and then seek their advice on job searching matters? Can you ask about other agencies/schools that you might be interested in? How does that all work? Because I feel as though they COULD help me, and I would love to seek their advice, but I care about them as people to and want to get to know them personally, and how do I do all that without it seeming insincere or like I'm using them to get a job?
Like I said, I'm young and naive. There's a job opening that's pretty much for my taking if I want it, and I'm not sure I want it. It's basically fundraising/development and student recruitment, for a small Hispanic Catholic elementary school of 220 students. I could do it, but I feel like there's not a lot of guidance or support, and I've been to the neighborhood and am not sure if I would be comfortable or enjoy working there. But how do I know? What if this is what God wants me to do? I don't want the easy way out, but this would certainly not be easy it would just be the first thing that came along. I don't want to walk blindly into something and end up hating it. I want to have something more substantial to walk into if I'm moving to a brand new city.
Lord I don't know what to do. I know God is behind all of this pushing me towards the right thing. I just I could follow his clues, pushings, signs, hints, etc a little bit more closely. Maybe then I'd figure out exactly what the heck I am supposed to be doing, or at least some things I might/should be looking for!
It's all bloody relative isn't it :-P
When it comes to this job hunting stuff, being all that isn't necessarily the best business-minded thing. How do I tell two people I've only met once that I felt an instant connection that day, that they are the type of people I want to be "when I grow up" and I feel I could learn a lot from them as mentors. How do you ask someone you sought as an employer to be a mentor? Can you? Can you do that and then seek their advice on job searching matters? Can you ask about other agencies/schools that you might be interested in? How does that all work? Because I feel as though they COULD help me, and I would love to seek their advice, but I care about them as people to and want to get to know them personally, and how do I do all that without it seeming insincere or like I'm using them to get a job?
Like I said, I'm young and naive. There's a job opening that's pretty much for my taking if I want it, and I'm not sure I want it. It's basically fundraising/development and student recruitment, for a small Hispanic Catholic elementary school of 220 students. I could do it, but I feel like there's not a lot of guidance or support, and I've been to the neighborhood and am not sure if I would be comfortable or enjoy working there. But how do I know? What if this is what God wants me to do? I don't want the easy way out, but this would certainly not be easy it would just be the first thing that came along. I don't want to walk blindly into something and end up hating it. I want to have something more substantial to walk into if I'm moving to a brand new city.
Lord I don't know what to do. I know God is behind all of this pushing me towards the right thing. I just I could follow his clues, pushings, signs, hints, etc a little bit more closely. Maybe then I'd figure out exactly what the heck I am supposed to be doing, or at least some things I might/should be looking for!
It's all bloody relative isn't it :-P
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Those Lazy Days of Summer
I have been home for 6 days now, and it's been the laziest 6 days of my life it feels. Yet I don't feel like a sluggish bum, though I should. I have done very little except read, watch loads of tv, and spend time on the internet. I did go to dinner & fireworks with Mom and John for the 4th of July, which was nice minus the big "job talk". Wednesday night Mike came over for dinner, baseball and cribbage (whoo hoo, exciting night!) Thursday Mom and I had a girls day at the Mall of America, which included pedicures, window shopping, chats about men over lunch, and a girlie chick flick and ice cream to end the evening. Other than that, I've been wholed up here, doing pretty much nothing, feeling absolutely no motivation whatsoever, and getting quite accustomed to it.
Why do I feel like that's a bad thing?
Because I'm worried about getting depressed or just apathetic. I'm worried that I'll get so comfortable with not having a job that I won't work hard to get to Chicago, which is why I pushed so hard to begin with in March. I knew that moving home would allow me to vegetate, and grow roots, and would make the dream of Chicago not feel so exciting or pressing. It's weird not having people around all the time! I mean, there are no roommates, no priests, no one stopping by to work for the afternoon -- and though the quiet is nice, it's also a little anti-social. I have very few peers in Minnesota -- of my three high school friends, one I am in touch with quite a bit, one emails sporadically but is completely unreliable when it comes to making plans, and the other has pretty much left my life for reasons unknown to me. I have few if any college friends in Minnesota... a couple maybe, but they have work, they have lives. The only other two people I could possible hang out with have made life choices that I'm not sure I agree with or would be comfortable around.
It doesn't help any that half the people I know in the world who ARE my peers and ARE my friends are either half-way across the country and/or are either married, engaged, or in a serious relationship? This includes my best friend whose maid-of-honor I'll be in Novemeber and my dear friend/ex-boyfriend Greg who told me Thursday he asked his "former nun" girlfriend (LONG story) to marry him (!!). I don't tend to be bitter about relationships and not being in one, because I know I don't need a guy to make me happy and I know I'm not in a permanent enough place to think about dating anyway! I'm not really complaining about not having a social life, because I'm still getting used to the days of sleeping in and having no responsibilities. I also realize that at some point I will be moving, and I don't want to start making new friends when I'm going to be leaving soon! What's the point? It's hard when everyone around you either has life plans, friends close by, a job, and/or a relationship to make them happy, excited, and focused on something! I don't have that focus. I did, when it was Suzette & I getting each other pumped up about moving to Chicago and all the things we'd get to do and the people we'd meet... that all seems to have disappeared somehow. My adament desire and motivation seemed to zap away with that first night home and those 11 hours of sleep.
It's just weird for me to be here, with no one to talk to in person, no one to hang out with, NO CAR to go do random sight-seeing or exploring, and no desire or motivation to find a job, get a life, or do anything remotely related to living like a living, breathing, exciting human being. I am perfectly content to sit at home with my books, my computer, and my tv. I'm lonely and I don't know what to do with it. What the hell has happened to me in six short days?
GVVs, I miss you!
Why do I feel like that's a bad thing?
Because I'm worried about getting depressed or just apathetic. I'm worried that I'll get so comfortable with not having a job that I won't work hard to get to Chicago, which is why I pushed so hard to begin with in March. I knew that moving home would allow me to vegetate, and grow roots, and would make the dream of Chicago not feel so exciting or pressing. It's weird not having people around all the time! I mean, there are no roommates, no priests, no one stopping by to work for the afternoon -- and though the quiet is nice, it's also a little anti-social. I have very few peers in Minnesota -- of my three high school friends, one I am in touch with quite a bit, one emails sporadically but is completely unreliable when it comes to making plans, and the other has pretty much left my life for reasons unknown to me. I have few if any college friends in Minnesota... a couple maybe, but they have work, they have lives. The only other two people I could possible hang out with have made life choices that I'm not sure I agree with or would be comfortable around.
It doesn't help any that half the people I know in the world who ARE my peers and ARE my friends are either half-way across the country and/or are either married, engaged, or in a serious relationship? This includes my best friend whose maid-of-honor I'll be in Novemeber and my dear friend/ex-boyfriend Greg who told me Thursday he asked his "former nun" girlfriend (LONG story) to marry him (!!). I don't tend to be bitter about relationships and not being in one, because I know I don't need a guy to make me happy and I know I'm not in a permanent enough place to think about dating anyway! I'm not really complaining about not having a social life, because I'm still getting used to the days of sleeping in and having no responsibilities. I also realize that at some point I will be moving, and I don't want to start making new friends when I'm going to be leaving soon! What's the point? It's hard when everyone around you either has life plans, friends close by, a job, and/or a relationship to make them happy, excited, and focused on something! I don't have that focus. I did, when it was Suzette & I getting each other pumped up about moving to Chicago and all the things we'd get to do and the people we'd meet... that all seems to have disappeared somehow. My adament desire and motivation seemed to zap away with that first night home and those 11 hours of sleep.
It's just weird for me to be here, with no one to talk to in person, no one to hang out with, NO CAR to go do random sight-seeing or exploring, and no desire or motivation to find a job, get a life, or do anything remotely related to living like a living, breathing, exciting human being. I am perfectly content to sit at home with my books, my computer, and my tv. I'm lonely and I don't know what to do with it. What the hell has happened to me in six short days?
GVVs, I miss you!
Friday, June 30, 2006
"This is the End... duh du-duh, duduh duh du-duh"
Revert back to senior year of high school "Company of Singers" show choir closer... I have no idea where that song is actually from, but we sang it as the final song in our show choir set. It seemed to fit as tonight was the last night of GVV 2005-2006. I can't believe it's over. It seems so surreal, and to be honest, it won't hit me until sometime in the next couple weeks. I feel like Nelson & Annie are gone for the weekend like usual, and Clare's headed out of town to visit friends, and the rest of us are taking an extended Christmas vacation again. I feel like in two weeks we should be back to St. Louis, but I know in my mind that won't really happen for most of us, and for those that ARE coming back to St. Louis it won't be the same nor will it be a return to GVV status. As of midnight tonight, the six of us are officially GVVAs (Gateway Vincentian Volunteer Alumni/Associates/All-Stars). Basically, we're the "formers", as in "former volunteers." I am just in shock, I guess. The end came so quickly! The first half of the year was fun and full of newness and adventures. The second half of the year we fell into routines and come March the time started to slip away like sand through my fingers.
But tonight was a fitting celebration of our amazing year together. Mass, singing "Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled," reading our amazing departing covenant and sharing highlights from the year, giving Jim & Geri their gifts (our amazing art work and cool pictures of us), an amazing dinner by Padre David, the Maple Jam Band's live entertainment, and hallway chats late into the evening... who could ask for anything better?
And yea I'm gonna miss this crew. Even Nelson when he's loud, even Annie when she barely talks to me or gets violent :), even Suzette's incessant talking (which I love to death about her), even Clare's bitterness, even Erica's wanderings... I will miss Nelson's hugs and his laughter, Annie's humor and willingness to pitch in and work hard, Suzette's "Do it with joy damnit!" and spiritual maturity, Clare and my twin-like mindset (and doing YMCA/Soulard Saturdays!), and Erica's piano-playing and cribbage skills. I will miss that I can share music with Nelson in the car ride to GASA/St. V's, that Annie can show her soft side when she gets scared of movies and dark things that go bump in the night :), that Suzette & I can understand each other's affection for one worksite over the other & that we can talk about anything related to God or relationships, that Clare will listen and just come visit (and vice versa), and that Erica is such a sweetheart and challenges me to think in new ways. I will miss seeing Jim & Geri after work every day, Fr. Gerry's interest in our lives, Bro. Dave Berning's grumpiness, Bro. Dave Goodman's random offers to go see the play or the symphony or the opera or go dancing, Fr. Tom's theological discussions, Fr. Bill's quick witty remarks, Padre's overexuberent nature about everything & his cooking & camping adventures, and much more! I will miss my kids at Cabrini, like NONE OTHER, but I hope to get to come back and visit every now and then. I will miss the women of Let's Start, but I pray/know I'll be in touch. I will miss having Ali to hang out with and talk to every day in the office, and I will miss life on Arsenal Street.
But this year was amazing. I have learned and grown so much, in so many ways, and I couldn't be more blessed and grateful than to have had this year with these people. Part of me may be afraid I'll never see them again or that I'll lose the Vincentian charism I forged in myself this year, but I know that's not true. This is truly one of those "life-changing experiences" and I will never be the same ever again. I have been "ruined for life" so to speak. :) As I head back home, and eventually hopefully head to Chicago, I will carry this year, these memories, these lessons, and these people with me, in my heart and in my mind and hopefully in my actions, always.
God Bless you all, GVVs '05-'06, and everyone that makes this program possible.
But tonight was a fitting celebration of our amazing year together. Mass, singing "Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled," reading our amazing departing covenant and sharing highlights from the year, giving Jim & Geri their gifts (our amazing art work and cool pictures of us), an amazing dinner by Padre David, the Maple Jam Band's live entertainment, and hallway chats late into the evening... who could ask for anything better?
And yea I'm gonna miss this crew. Even Nelson when he's loud, even Annie when she barely talks to me or gets violent :), even Suzette's incessant talking (which I love to death about her), even Clare's bitterness, even Erica's wanderings... I will miss Nelson's hugs and his laughter, Annie's humor and willingness to pitch in and work hard, Suzette's "Do it with joy damnit!" and spiritual maturity, Clare and my twin-like mindset (and doing YMCA/Soulard Saturdays!), and Erica's piano-playing and cribbage skills. I will miss that I can share music with Nelson in the car ride to GASA/St. V's, that Annie can show her soft side when she gets scared of movies and dark things that go bump in the night :), that Suzette & I can understand each other's affection for one worksite over the other & that we can talk about anything related to God or relationships, that Clare will listen and just come visit (and vice versa), and that Erica is such a sweetheart and challenges me to think in new ways. I will miss seeing Jim & Geri after work every day, Fr. Gerry's interest in our lives, Bro. Dave Berning's grumpiness, Bro. Dave Goodman's random offers to go see the play or the symphony or the opera or go dancing, Fr. Tom's theological discussions, Fr. Bill's quick witty remarks, Padre's overexuberent nature about everything & his cooking & camping adventures, and much more! I will miss my kids at Cabrini, like NONE OTHER, but I hope to get to come back and visit every now and then. I will miss the women of Let's Start, but I pray/know I'll be in touch. I will miss having Ali to hang out with and talk to every day in the office, and I will miss life on Arsenal Street.
But this year was amazing. I have learned and grown so much, in so many ways, and I couldn't be more blessed and grateful than to have had this year with these people. Part of me may be afraid I'll never see them again or that I'll lose the Vincentian charism I forged in myself this year, but I know that's not true. This is truly one of those "life-changing experiences" and I will never be the same ever again. I have been "ruined for life" so to speak. :) As I head back home, and eventually hopefully head to Chicago, I will carry this year, these memories, these lessons, and these people with me, in my heart and in my mind and hopefully in my actions, always.
God Bless you all, GVVs '05-'06, and everyone that makes this program possible.
Monday, June 26, 2006
"In Seven Short Days Your Life Will Change Forever"
Yesterday Clare shared this line from a Jamie Cullem song with me, and we both nearly teared up. It was quite appropriate, as in 7 short days our lives as GVVS in St. Louis will be but memories. It's absolutely insane that this year is almost over. I can't believe that all the struggles, all the challenges, all the growth, all the friendships, all the love, and all the memories of this year are going to be over just like *that*. I'm stoked about becoming a GVVA (Gateway Vincentian Volunteer All-Star/Alumni/Associate); I'm ecstatic about moving to Chicago and starting a job there (eventually...); and I'm thrilled that next week begins a mini-vacation for me back in my hometown of Champlin, Minnesota.
But I will be very sad to leave this place and these people. They have meant the world to me and watched me go through many life changes. It sounds corny but it's true. My willingness to seek the poor and to work with them, my weakness for little kids and the unconditional and unencumbered love they offer, my support and protectiveness of the women I see who struggle daily against addictive and criminal thoughts & behaviors. All these things and much more are what have changed in me this year. I have become an adult, I have grown in my spirituality in ways I never expected to, and I have learned what it means to be socially just and passionate about something. It's going to be very difficult to say goodbye to the people, places, and environment that have taught me all that and more.
I will cry... at some point this week I will cry. Tomorrow is my last day of work, and concludes with my last Let's Start meeting (quite appropriate) and going out with the Tuesday night volunteers for drinks & stuff. It'll be sad but it'll be very good. I'm excited. :) Today I got my stuff organized, but Wednesday is packing & cleaning day. Thursday will be "last minute scrapbooking" day. Friday is our big party, Saturday night is the Jason Mraz concert with Suz & Erica, and Sunday I fly home. It really is true how short this last week is -- 7 days isn't much when every day is one more step towards goodbye and the end of an "era".
As for the job search, it continues. I have a positive lead with a high school I visited two weeks ago while I was in Chicago. I have two phone interviews later this week for other jobs. I sent applications in for yet two MORE jobs. Something will happen soon; I can feel it and I'm excited. As my best friend says, "Finally getting a job will certainly solve some problems!" and I replied "Yes but it'll create a bunch more!" :) I'm just ready to be settled and stable. At the same time, I feel a lot of peace and happiness right now, for where I am in my life, for the relationships I've fostered, and the future that God has in store for me. I am so blessed. I hope I never ever forget this feeling.
But I will be very sad to leave this place and these people. They have meant the world to me and watched me go through many life changes. It sounds corny but it's true. My willingness to seek the poor and to work with them, my weakness for little kids and the unconditional and unencumbered love they offer, my support and protectiveness of the women I see who struggle daily against addictive and criminal thoughts & behaviors. All these things and much more are what have changed in me this year. I have become an adult, I have grown in my spirituality in ways I never expected to, and I have learned what it means to be socially just and passionate about something. It's going to be very difficult to say goodbye to the people, places, and environment that have taught me all that and more.
I will cry... at some point this week I will cry. Tomorrow is my last day of work, and concludes with my last Let's Start meeting (quite appropriate) and going out with the Tuesday night volunteers for drinks & stuff. It'll be sad but it'll be very good. I'm excited. :) Today I got my stuff organized, but Wednesday is packing & cleaning day. Thursday will be "last minute scrapbooking" day. Friday is our big party, Saturday night is the Jason Mraz concert with Suz & Erica, and Sunday I fly home. It really is true how short this last week is -- 7 days isn't much when every day is one more step towards goodbye and the end of an "era".
As for the job search, it continues. I have a positive lead with a high school I visited two weeks ago while I was in Chicago. I have two phone interviews later this week for other jobs. I sent applications in for yet two MORE jobs. Something will happen soon; I can feel it and I'm excited. As my best friend says, "Finally getting a job will certainly solve some problems!" and I replied "Yes but it'll create a bunch more!" :) I'm just ready to be settled and stable. At the same time, I feel a lot of peace and happiness right now, for where I am in my life, for the relationships I've fostered, and the future that God has in store for me. I am so blessed. I hope I never ever forget this feeling.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Saluting 28 years of Service
Yesterday I was able to witness something very cool. My flight from Chicago to St. Louis was to be the Captain/pilot's last flight before he retired officially at midnight (there's a rule that says pilots have to retire at 60). We didn't know it until we got on the plane that that's what all the photographs and excitement were about outside the gate. Captain Struyk told us a little bit about his family and how he came to be a pilot, and it was awesome because his wife was on board and his brother & sister had come down from Michigan to surprise him for the flight. The whole flight had an air of celebration and because it was such a short flight (45 minutes or so) it was very lighthearted. When we touched down (the softest landing I've ever experienced, and they joked it was probably the best of his career), we taxied into the gate area at Lambert airport and two firetrucks met us with an arch of spraying water that drenched the plane in salute (SO COOL!) No one rushed to get out of their seats as we waited in respect for him to turn off the seatbelt sign for the last time. I felt so blessed to be part of that experience and to share in his last flight and the beginning of a hopefully happy, healthy, and relaxing retirement for this American Airlines pilot who gave 28 years of his life to flying. :)
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Heading to Chi-Town!
Helloooo peeps!
After a fantastically wet & wild camping & canoeing trip with Padre and 30 of his Hispanic parishioners, I am ready for my Chi-town adventures and interviews! Yesterday was so incredibly relaxing out on the river, and Lassiter & I had a grand time floating along, minus the drunk and beet-red passersby AND minus our little mishap 2 minutes into the trip post-lunch. (That's right, we tipped, get over it! We managed to recover quite nicely thank you very much!) The rest of the campout consisted of muchos napping, bilingual Mass, a fantastic dinner of spaghetti & corn lotus things, and a massive thunderstorm in the middle of the night/early morning that still soaked us when we arose this morning. It didn't stop til sometime after we got home (which was about 9:30 a.m. mind you). I enjoyed the storm and actually felt pretty safe in our non-leaky tent, but I felt bad for the dogs, the kiddos, and anyone whose tent did NOT hold up like ours did. All in all, a great time. :)
Now, I'm off to Chicago for two job interviews and an adventure in surviving the city by myself! I have been working crazy hard Thursday, Friday, and today (and tomorrow) to get my writing/design portfolio done for this trip. Geri had to read through crazy amounts of my writing, and I still have to put the rest of the books (2) together and pick scrapbook pages to bring. Plus I have to pack, which I'm going to do after I finish this entry. I am stoked about this trip. I was hella anxious last weekend, but I have since calmed down. I am getting lots of advice, and lots of help with the public transportation concept. I am staying with the Vincentians at DePaul and they are watching out for me. I have directions & "el" instructions for both interviews, and I know there are coffeeshops near DePaul campus. Ok, the interviews -- Big Shoulders Fund (Marketing/Development Coordinator positions for 1-2 Catholic grade schools) and Cristo Rey Jesuit High School (Development Coordinator position and Director of Special Events & Publications position). WAY super exciting. :) I'm so excited. Erica & I practiced the song I'm going to sing at our last Mass tonight and I enjoyed it so much! I haven't belted like that in ages, and it felt good. I love singing and I love this song. I hope I don't cry when I sing it in a few weeks.
Time to cease rambling and get to packing! Cathc y'all on the flip side! :)
After a fantastically wet & wild camping & canoeing trip with Padre and 30 of his Hispanic parishioners, I am ready for my Chi-town adventures and interviews! Yesterday was so incredibly relaxing out on the river, and Lassiter & I had a grand time floating along, minus the drunk and beet-red passersby AND minus our little mishap 2 minutes into the trip post-lunch. (That's right, we tipped, get over it! We managed to recover quite nicely thank you very much!) The rest of the campout consisted of muchos napping, bilingual Mass, a fantastic dinner of spaghetti & corn lotus things, and a massive thunderstorm in the middle of the night/early morning that still soaked us when we arose this morning. It didn't stop til sometime after we got home (which was about 9:30 a.m. mind you). I enjoyed the storm and actually felt pretty safe in our non-leaky tent, but I felt bad for the dogs, the kiddos, and anyone whose tent did NOT hold up like ours did. All in all, a great time. :)
Now, I'm off to Chicago for two job interviews and an adventure in surviving the city by myself! I have been working crazy hard Thursday, Friday, and today (and tomorrow) to get my writing/design portfolio done for this trip. Geri had to read through crazy amounts of my writing, and I still have to put the rest of the books (2) together and pick scrapbook pages to bring. Plus I have to pack, which I'm going to do after I finish this entry. I am stoked about this trip. I was hella anxious last weekend, but I have since calmed down. I am getting lots of advice, and lots of help with the public transportation concept. I am staying with the Vincentians at DePaul and they are watching out for me. I have directions & "el" instructions for both interviews, and I know there are coffeeshops near DePaul campus. Ok, the interviews -- Big Shoulders Fund (Marketing/Development Coordinator positions for 1-2 Catholic grade schools) and Cristo Rey Jesuit High School (Development Coordinator position and Director of Special Events & Publications position). WAY super exciting. :) I'm so excited. Erica & I practiced the song I'm going to sing at our last Mass tonight and I enjoyed it so much! I haven't belted like that in ages, and it felt good. I love singing and I love this song. I hope I don't cry when I sing it in a few weeks.
Time to cease rambling and get to packing! Cathc y'all on the flip side! :)
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
June Blossoms with Gratitude
I am on cloud nine tonight! I have been blessed during this volunteer year to have friends who strengthen and support me in all that I do. I have come out of my shell, can share and vocalize my thoughts and things that are going on in my life, and I no longer feel unqualified for any of the work that I do. I am so proud of myself and so happy to be where I'm at and to be whom I am today.
Can you tell I go to support meetings? :) The Let's Start ladies have given me so much. They are such inspirations for me and my life, to show that no matter what any of us are going through, we can make it through with the power of prayer, the presence of God, and the strength of supportive friends and family. I am especially grateful for Mary & Matthew, two people who are not "Let's Start ladies" as I know them (women, for one, who have been in prison and/or have suffered from drug addictions). Matthew was a SLU student who worked with Let's Start kids throughout this year. Mary was a Dominican novice with a food addiction problem who worked with Learning Club & Let's Start. Both have been amazing supports and wonderful friends in my life this year and I will miss them immensely! Mary got to come say goodbye tonight, which was totally unexpected and wonderful! Many of my favorite ladies came out of the woodwork tonight, and I got many photos to remember them by! :) What a great gift to have a group like this!
I am so excited for my visit to Chicago next week. I am grateful that Bro. Mark got me hooked up on a room so quickly. I am grateful that Toshio & Bro. Mark are willing to help me get to and from O'Hare Airport. I am grateful that DePaul is not that far from downtown and that the el is much more easily navigated than I originally thought. I am grateful that SMDP Waukegan was not just rude, though I am sorry that there was a death in the development director's family (hence why I have not heard anything from them). I am grateful for education, and the possibilities that have arisen to work for and promote education, especially Catholic education. I look forward to the day when I might be able to work for the arts and education, promoting the arts and working to keep the arts in education or find alternative ways for students of ALL backgrounds to experience the arts.
I can't believe there's only 24 days left of the program (not that I'm counting). It's unbelieveable to me that this year that months ago seemed so long is suddenly so short! I have grown so much. As my mom said this weekend, I "have really become a competent young adult who can take care of herself and who knows herself very well." My faith and my compassion and my committment to becoming a voice for those who do not have one is what has changed the most inside me. The Vincentian charism of working for the poor has gotten inside me, like it or not, and I will not feel comfortable or satisfied unless I am doing something that promotes a better life for the poor and underserved. If that means working for an inner-city Catholic school and allowing a diverse population of students the chance to gain a quality education, or working for an after-school program that allows poor children to experience the arts, or whatever it is that I am called to do and end up doing with my life, the poor will NOT be far from my mind or my heart. Jim & Geri would be proud to know that. :)
On that note, I will leave you with one last random thought -- It is VERY IMPORTANT to have regular bowel movements! If you are not pooping at least every other day, SOMETHING IS WRONG! This has been a hot topic in my community over the past couple weeks, but talking to various medical professionals, I have learned that it is true. So, BE AWARE! And, have a good night. :)
Can you tell I go to support meetings? :) The Let's Start ladies have given me so much. They are such inspirations for me and my life, to show that no matter what any of us are going through, we can make it through with the power of prayer, the presence of God, and the strength of supportive friends and family. I am especially grateful for Mary & Matthew, two people who are not "Let's Start ladies" as I know them (women, for one, who have been in prison and/or have suffered from drug addictions). Matthew was a SLU student who worked with Let's Start kids throughout this year. Mary was a Dominican novice with a food addiction problem who worked with Learning Club & Let's Start. Both have been amazing supports and wonderful friends in my life this year and I will miss them immensely! Mary got to come say goodbye tonight, which was totally unexpected and wonderful! Many of my favorite ladies came out of the woodwork tonight, and I got many photos to remember them by! :) What a great gift to have a group like this!
I am so excited for my visit to Chicago next week. I am grateful that Bro. Mark got me hooked up on a room so quickly. I am grateful that Toshio & Bro. Mark are willing to help me get to and from O'Hare Airport. I am grateful that DePaul is not that far from downtown and that the el is much more easily navigated than I originally thought. I am grateful that SMDP Waukegan was not just rude, though I am sorry that there was a death in the development director's family (hence why I have not heard anything from them). I am grateful for education, and the possibilities that have arisen to work for and promote education, especially Catholic education. I look forward to the day when I might be able to work for the arts and education, promoting the arts and working to keep the arts in education or find alternative ways for students of ALL backgrounds to experience the arts.
I can't believe there's only 24 days left of the program (not that I'm counting). It's unbelieveable to me that this year that months ago seemed so long is suddenly so short! I have grown so much. As my mom said this weekend, I "have really become a competent young adult who can take care of herself and who knows herself very well." My faith and my compassion and my committment to becoming a voice for those who do not have one is what has changed the most inside me. The Vincentian charism of working for the poor has gotten inside me, like it or not, and I will not feel comfortable or satisfied unless I am doing something that promotes a better life for the poor and underserved. If that means working for an inner-city Catholic school and allowing a diverse population of students the chance to gain a quality education, or working for an after-school program that allows poor children to experience the arts, or whatever it is that I am called to do and end up doing with my life, the poor will NOT be far from my mind or my heart. Jim & Geri would be proud to know that. :)
On that note, I will leave you with one last random thought -- It is VERY IMPORTANT to have regular bowel movements! If you are not pooping at least every other day, SOMETHING IS WRONG! This has been a hot topic in my community over the past couple weeks, but talking to various medical professionals, I have learned that it is true. So, BE AWARE! And, have a good night. :)
Friday, June 02, 2006
Not the Greatest Day Ever
For the past two days my stomach has been upset.
Today I got a dent in mom's front right bumper after hitting this truck in front of me.
I got to go to my favorite Michael's but the sales from last week were over.
The Groves interview went well but it's not the right fit for me (I'm not surprised).
So has anything GOOD happened?
Well of course! I got to surprise Michael for his graduation weekend and he had NO CLUE I was coming in! :) I did get to go to my favorite Michaels' which rocked :) I ran up to see my old high school and they were practicing for graduation, so I got to see this year's senior class. I also saw my old choir director, which was crazy. Sadly, none of the other teachers were around, but I hadn't been back inside the high school since freshman year of college. I walked out with a huge grin on my face and once safely in my car yelled at the top of my lungs, "I can't believe how much has changed in 5 years!" referring not to the looks of the school, the education they're getting, the habits of driving to and from school, the extracurriculars, etc. but referring to the personal growth I (and many of my classmates) have achieved in 5 years. No news on whether we will actually get a 5-year reunion or not, but that's ok. Someday it will happen that all of us will get back together again. :) The other cool thing that I discovered was one of the Masters degrees I want to get, the Masters in Arts Management with a concentration in Arts Youth & Community Development, doesn't require the GRE for admissions! Whoo hoo! The other Masters degree or certicificate I would like to get is Spiritual Formation/Youth Ministry. Both of those are several years down the line, but it's still cool. :)
Tonight I will spend time with a good friend from high school, see my step-brother play baseball, and enjoy being at home. I'll try to enjoy being at home anyway -- I think I'm so ready to go to Chicago, no matter what happens on the job front, that I feel any time spent here will cause me to grow roots and will delay or hinder my travels to Chi-town. I know that's crazy, but I'm feeling ready to jump out of my skin! I gotta get to Chicago. And soon! :)
Today I got a dent in mom's front right bumper after hitting this truck in front of me.
I got to go to my favorite Michael's but the sales from last week were over.
The Groves interview went well but it's not the right fit for me (I'm not surprised).
So has anything GOOD happened?
Well of course! I got to surprise Michael for his graduation weekend and he had NO CLUE I was coming in! :) I did get to go to my favorite Michaels' which rocked :) I ran up to see my old high school and they were practicing for graduation, so I got to see this year's senior class. I also saw my old choir director, which was crazy. Sadly, none of the other teachers were around, but I hadn't been back inside the high school since freshman year of college. I walked out with a huge grin on my face and once safely in my car yelled at the top of my lungs, "I can't believe how much has changed in 5 years!" referring not to the looks of the school, the education they're getting, the habits of driving to and from school, the extracurriculars, etc. but referring to the personal growth I (and many of my classmates) have achieved in 5 years. No news on whether we will actually get a 5-year reunion or not, but that's ok. Someday it will happen that all of us will get back together again. :) The other cool thing that I discovered was one of the Masters degrees I want to get, the Masters in Arts Management with a concentration in Arts Youth & Community Development, doesn't require the GRE for admissions! Whoo hoo! The other Masters degree or certicificate I would like to get is Spiritual Formation/Youth Ministry. Both of those are several years down the line, but it's still cool. :)
Tonight I will spend time with a good friend from high school, see my step-brother play baseball, and enjoy being at home. I'll try to enjoy being at home anyway -- I think I'm so ready to go to Chicago, no matter what happens on the job front, that I feel any time spent here will cause me to grow roots and will delay or hinder my travels to Chi-town. I know that's crazy, but I'm feeling ready to jump out of my skin! I gotta get to Chicago. And soon! :)
Monday, May 29, 2006
Memorial Day Madness
What a relaxing reflective weekend I've had!
School ended Friday, which was quite sad and made me teary-eyed. The kindergarteners made me cards and almost the entire school gave me a standing ovation when Maureen acknowledged me at the Awards Prayer Service. I will miss these kiddos so darn much -- they have taught me a lot about patience, about faith, about education, and about providing love & support & stability when they might not get it otherwise. You never know what life you are touching by being caring, compassionate, and present to these children. I have loved every minute of this year with them, even when they've driven me crazy! Especially the 8th graders, who were such an amazing class with many gifts and talents. They will do well in high school, if they learn responsibility and are able to stay true to their values, faith, and roots. I will miss them all.
This weekend was also the GVVA Retreat. I can't wait to be a GVVA in a month! They are some of the coolest people ever! Friday night we played Texas Hold 'Em with the crew; Saturday we had the second annual GVV/GVVA kickball game, and although we had one less player than them we only lost by one run! Those MVK skills were coming out like mad, and our honorary "GVV" (also known as Dennis Wells, the Music Director at St. Vincent's) had talents & skills that contributed greatly to our success. The best part was, after the game the GVVAs treated us to Ted Drewes frozen custard & to a night on the town at a neighborhood pub! :) Good times were had by all, and for the first time this year I felt like I could be open, extroverted, socialable, and more myself than ever before. I thank Audrey, Amy & Scott for that, plus the fact that I took a shower and looked pretty darn good and therefore felt good! :) Sunday Clare & I cooked the GVVAs lunch, which was such a serene sort of service, to the ones who had gone before us, and we enjoyed a lazy day of watching movie after movie after movie. I am so excited to become part of the GVVA family, where we can talk about our experiences openly without negative effects on our community (because we won't be living together anymore!) and to get to know them outside of the GVV environment while still holding onto those charisms and lessons and values we learned and embraced over our respective years. :) So great -- I can't wait!
I'm feeling good about job stuff -- SMDP and Big Shoulders are still in process, and I will be talking with someone from Make-A-Wish in Chicago & another Marquette alumnus up in Milwaukee this week and next week. I will be visiting a school on Friday in Minnesota, and after this week, who knows what else will happen (if anything). All I know is I'm trying to pray daily about it because I know I haven't been praying as much as I should, and I'm truly trying and hopefully learning to let go and give the process and anxiety over to God. I think so far I'm succeeding, but I think I also passed the most drought-like period which wasn't even that bad. I'm doing the best I can and I'm remembering all the reasons why I should have total confidence in myself and my abilities. It's easy to forget when you get discouraged, but it's important to remember no matter what!
It's hard to believe the year is almost over. One month from tomorrow is our last day, and one month from Friday I fly home, however indefinitely that trip home may be! I have learned a lot and grown a lot from this year, but I still have one month's worth of experiences to have, reflections to share, and lessons to learn, so I can't let this "summer break syndrome" set in too quickly or too much or I'll miss one of the most important month's of the year -- the month when the "what next" becomes a reality and I have to figure out how to make this experience stay with me in my new future.
Keep praying for me. :)
School ended Friday, which was quite sad and made me teary-eyed. The kindergarteners made me cards and almost the entire school gave me a standing ovation when Maureen acknowledged me at the Awards Prayer Service. I will miss these kiddos so darn much -- they have taught me a lot about patience, about faith, about education, and about providing love & support & stability when they might not get it otherwise. You never know what life you are touching by being caring, compassionate, and present to these children. I have loved every minute of this year with them, even when they've driven me crazy! Especially the 8th graders, who were such an amazing class with many gifts and talents. They will do well in high school, if they learn responsibility and are able to stay true to their values, faith, and roots. I will miss them all.
This weekend was also the GVVA Retreat. I can't wait to be a GVVA in a month! They are some of the coolest people ever! Friday night we played Texas Hold 'Em with the crew; Saturday we had the second annual GVV/GVVA kickball game, and although we had one less player than them we only lost by one run! Those MVK skills were coming out like mad, and our honorary "GVV" (also known as Dennis Wells, the Music Director at St. Vincent's) had talents & skills that contributed greatly to our success. The best part was, after the game the GVVAs treated us to Ted Drewes frozen custard & to a night on the town at a neighborhood pub! :) Good times were had by all, and for the first time this year I felt like I could be open, extroverted, socialable, and more myself than ever before. I thank Audrey, Amy & Scott for that, plus the fact that I took a shower and looked pretty darn good and therefore felt good! :) Sunday Clare & I cooked the GVVAs lunch, which was such a serene sort of service, to the ones who had gone before us, and we enjoyed a lazy day of watching movie after movie after movie. I am so excited to become part of the GVVA family, where we can talk about our experiences openly without negative effects on our community (because we won't be living together anymore!) and to get to know them outside of the GVV environment while still holding onto those charisms and lessons and values we learned and embraced over our respective years. :) So great -- I can't wait!
I'm feeling good about job stuff -- SMDP and Big Shoulders are still in process, and I will be talking with someone from Make-A-Wish in Chicago & another Marquette alumnus up in Milwaukee this week and next week. I will be visiting a school on Friday in Minnesota, and after this week, who knows what else will happen (if anything). All I know is I'm trying to pray daily about it because I know I haven't been praying as much as I should, and I'm truly trying and hopefully learning to let go and give the process and anxiety over to God. I think so far I'm succeeding, but I think I also passed the most drought-like period which wasn't even that bad. I'm doing the best I can and I'm remembering all the reasons why I should have total confidence in myself and my abilities. It's easy to forget when you get discouraged, but it's important to remember no matter what!
It's hard to believe the year is almost over. One month from tomorrow is our last day, and one month from Friday I fly home, however indefinitely that trip home may be! I have learned a lot and grown a lot from this year, but I still have one month's worth of experiences to have, reflections to share, and lessons to learn, so I can't let this "summer break syndrome" set in too quickly or too much or I'll miss one of the most important month's of the year -- the month when the "what next" becomes a reality and I have to figure out how to make this experience stay with me in my new future.
Keep praying for me. :)
Friday, May 19, 2006
When God Closes a Door...
He always opens a window. Supposedly. :) Actually, that has proven to be the case in many ways throughout my life. When I thought I'd be going to MercyWorks in Chicago and then that fell through, here came GVV-St. Louis! When I didn't think I could do another year of E'gals, here came Company of Singers. When I was at my wit's end after freshman year of college, God provided the steps necessary to make my life better, smoother, and happier. And when I was sure that SMDP-Waukegan was my only option, God provided a second chance. Not that SMDP is out of the picture, but now I know I have options and that if neither of these two options works out that something else will! It's all ok if I don't have a job by the end of June. It's going to be ok and may even be better if I don't. But, God has a plan and I have to trust in it whole-heartedly.
The trick with that is remembering it when my options seem to be very few and far between. My only dream is to one day get to Chicago. I just want to be there already! I want to be near friends, exploring a new city, finding out about myself, working in a job that is challenging and creative and fun, and discovering ways to keep my Vincentian spirituality and Ignation education alive in my every day life. Is that really so much to ask? A favorite coffeeshop and my own little apartment... that's all I want. Really, that would make me exceedingly happy right now, especially if I had a way to BUY that Chai tea or afford that little apartment by myself. I want to be able to live on my own, be on my own, afford living and being on my own, and exploring all the new ways I can be me while still have friends and family near by. The family may be an 8-hour drive or 1-hour flight, but that's ok. It'll still be handier, closer, and easier to access them than it has been in St. Louis!
This is so random, I know, but it's where I'm at. I have two different job positions in the interview process, and I have faith that other options will make themselves known as well. I have become more convinced, however, that I do not want to start before my volunteer year is over. I know I told SMDP that I could possibly start early, but the more I've looked at the logistics of it and the more I've really looked at my feelings about the situation, I don't want to be rushed and I don't want to be starting one thing without proper closure on the other. I don't think it's fair of me to do that, nor do I think it's fair to ask me to do that. I don't want to be hypocrite, but I did honestly think it could work out and now, feasibly and emotionally, I just don't see it happening. If that means the SMDP job (or the other job) don't happen, that's ok. It just means something else will.
I just gotta keep the faith, and keep minding the doors and windows.
The trick with that is remembering it when my options seem to be very few and far between. My only dream is to one day get to Chicago. I just want to be there already! I want to be near friends, exploring a new city, finding out about myself, working in a job that is challenging and creative and fun, and discovering ways to keep my Vincentian spirituality and Ignation education alive in my every day life. Is that really so much to ask? A favorite coffeeshop and my own little apartment... that's all I want. Really, that would make me exceedingly happy right now, especially if I had a way to BUY that Chai tea or afford that little apartment by myself. I want to be able to live on my own, be on my own, afford living and being on my own, and exploring all the new ways I can be me while still have friends and family near by. The family may be an 8-hour drive or 1-hour flight, but that's ok. It'll still be handier, closer, and easier to access them than it has been in St. Louis!
This is so random, I know, but it's where I'm at. I have two different job positions in the interview process, and I have faith that other options will make themselves known as well. I have become more convinced, however, that I do not want to start before my volunteer year is over. I know I told SMDP that I could possibly start early, but the more I've looked at the logistics of it and the more I've really looked at my feelings about the situation, I don't want to be rushed and I don't want to be starting one thing without proper closure on the other. I don't think it's fair of me to do that, nor do I think it's fair to ask me to do that. I don't want to be hypocrite, but I did honestly think it could work out and now, feasibly and emotionally, I just don't see it happening. If that means the SMDP job (or the other job) don't happen, that's ok. It just means something else will.
I just gotta keep the faith, and keep minding the doors and windows.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Nerves of Melted Butter
I'm nervous for my job interview tomorrow with SMDP in Waukegan. I have not heard anything from them since I set up the phone interview, and had hoped to get an email response regarding who I would be speaking with tomorrow. Perhaps the email didn't go through (I haven't heard anything from the YNPN members too, which is also somewhat strange). I'm not sure if I'm nervous because I really want it and think I won't get it, or if I think it's not the right job and I'm not prepared to be discouraged and disappointed again. All I know is I'm going to go into it confident, comfortable, and with a smile because I want to present myself in absolutely the best way I possibly can. I hope this cold goes away at least somewhat so I can not sound like a sniffly 7 year old. :)
If this job does pan out, I don't know WHAT I'm going to do next.
If this job does pan out, I don't know WHAT I'm going to do next.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Annie Mac & St. Martin de Porres
I realized that this week must have been nutty and emotional because I hadn't written in my gratitude journal since Monday and DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT! I've been so good about taking the time each and every day, or at least every other day, to write down the things I've been grateful for those days. That's so uncharacteristic of me to forget it! But, since the past couple weeks have been super stressful and I have not done much to channel that stress, it's been an internal time bomb waiting to happen. First it was the night o'depression and sleep. Then it was tonight's outburst with Annie.
Things between us have never been anything near good or positive. We have our moments where we can sort of get along in a "we have to because we live with each other" kind of way. However, there is and always has been, for some reason, this crazy tension and inability to be comfortable around each other. She's completely shut off and I am too emotional. When she's stressed or bumming, she internalizes it and keeps to herself. When I'm stressed or bumming, it affects the way I deal with others, especially the people I live with (and usually not in a positive way). Neither of our attitudes or modes of operation are good, but we don't really have any other way. Tonight it all came tumbling out, at least from my end, with Suzette as the recipient, which was the first time I'd really let it all come tumbling out. It should have come tumbling out between McCance and I six months ago, but what can you do? I don't know if she and I will ever have the chance to talk it out, but I pray that God can at least somewhat heal our hearts and help us bridge some sort of gap. I've tried, however imperfectly, and I know she doesn't like living this way any more than I do. But I'm scared to talk to her and she just won't talk to me. So we're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm just tired of it and wish that it could be different. I don't expect, need, or want to be her best friend. I just wish I could come home and not feel like the big bad wolf with her. I just wish we could have civil conversations, or ANY conversations.
On a separate note, I have a phone interview scheduled with St. Martin de Porres High School in Waukegan, Illinois. Waukegan is 41 miles from downtown Chicago and 53 miles from downtown Milwaukee (best of both worlds!) It is close to Gurnee (shopping & Great America) & Antioch (Ryan's family), is also not too far from Crystal Lake (where Dan & Mal will be), AND (the best part) is on the lake (Lake Michigan that is). Besides the geographical parts of the city that are cool, the job itself is something I am extremely interested in. It's a Communications Director position, and would be a reasonably challenging and exciting first job. The high school itself is part of the Cristo Rey Network, which is a network of Catholic college prep high schools across the country that uses extended school days and requires students to participate in the Corporate Internship Program, which allows them the chance to gain real world work experience while helping them pay their own tuition. The network itself is only about 10 years old, and this school is one of several that recently opened in 2004. It's still a relatively new and exciting venture, and I'd be excited to be part of it. I know I'm getting WAY ahead of myself by even imagining that this could be the next move, but it's another one of those things that happened so fast. I won't know anything but my own personal wishes and speculations until the phone interview on May 16. I guess it's a good thing we have retreat this week, it'll give me some good quality prayer time to pray about 1) Annie, 2) St. Martin de Porres High School, and 3) the end of the year and leaving.
It's been such an incredible year and I can't hardly believe it's almost over. The month of May will fly and will be filled with some sad but joyful moments. I pray that God's love never leaves me and that his will guides me in these next phases. :)
Things between us have never been anything near good or positive. We have our moments where we can sort of get along in a "we have to because we live with each other" kind of way. However, there is and always has been, for some reason, this crazy tension and inability to be comfortable around each other. She's completely shut off and I am too emotional. When she's stressed or bumming, she internalizes it and keeps to herself. When I'm stressed or bumming, it affects the way I deal with others, especially the people I live with (and usually not in a positive way). Neither of our attitudes or modes of operation are good, but we don't really have any other way. Tonight it all came tumbling out, at least from my end, with Suzette as the recipient, which was the first time I'd really let it all come tumbling out. It should have come tumbling out between McCance and I six months ago, but what can you do? I don't know if she and I will ever have the chance to talk it out, but I pray that God can at least somewhat heal our hearts and help us bridge some sort of gap. I've tried, however imperfectly, and I know she doesn't like living this way any more than I do. But I'm scared to talk to her and she just won't talk to me. So we're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm just tired of it and wish that it could be different. I don't expect, need, or want to be her best friend. I just wish I could come home and not feel like the big bad wolf with her. I just wish we could have civil conversations, or ANY conversations.
On a separate note, I have a phone interview scheduled with St. Martin de Porres High School in Waukegan, Illinois. Waukegan is 41 miles from downtown Chicago and 53 miles from downtown Milwaukee (best of both worlds!) It is close to Gurnee (shopping & Great America) & Antioch (Ryan's family), is also not too far from Crystal Lake (where Dan & Mal will be), AND (the best part) is on the lake (Lake Michigan that is). Besides the geographical parts of the city that are cool, the job itself is something I am extremely interested in. It's a Communications Director position, and would be a reasonably challenging and exciting first job. The high school itself is part of the Cristo Rey Network, which is a network of Catholic college prep high schools across the country that uses extended school days and requires students to participate in the Corporate Internship Program, which allows them the chance to gain real world work experience while helping them pay their own tuition. The network itself is only about 10 years old, and this school is one of several that recently opened in 2004. It's still a relatively new and exciting venture, and I'd be excited to be part of it. I know I'm getting WAY ahead of myself by even imagining that this could be the next move, but it's another one of those things that happened so fast. I won't know anything but my own personal wishes and speculations until the phone interview on May 16. I guess it's a good thing we have retreat this week, it'll give me some good quality prayer time to pray about 1) Annie, 2) St. Martin de Porres High School, and 3) the end of the year and leaving.
It's been such an incredible year and I can't hardly believe it's almost over. The month of May will fly and will be filled with some sad but joyful moments. I pray that God's love never leaves me and that his will guides me in these next phases. :)
Friday, April 28, 2006
Screwtape Letters: My Cross to Bear
Last night I isolated myself. I slept, a LOT (depressed sleep), and cried some. I didn't interact with a single soul from 6:30 p.m. last evening until this morning. I haven't done that in YEARS, and even though it was self-pitying to some point, it was good in some respects too. I needed it, even if it wasn't the most healthy thing in the world. The positive side, besides catching up on sleep, was that I was able to read, and read things I needed to read that I've put off reading because I "haven't been in the mood" or "didn't have time." These included my "Reading God's Word" which has the daily Mass readings and C.S. Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" which I had started a while back and hadn't touched for several weeks.
As I was reading "The Screwtape Letters" the topic of bearing crosses came up. If you haven't read the book, it's a fiction story that consists of letters written by a senior "devil" who works for Satan writing to his nephew who is a "devil-in-training" (so to speak). Anyway, the letters are written from the devil's point of view, highlighting all the ways that this young protege should try to corrupt his "patient" (human, one of us). It gives insight into the ways that the human mind, heart, and body are tempted by things not of God, which is a good eye-opener. One of the topics was bearing crosses. I discovered, through reading this particular letter, that we tend to bear objects as crosses and not our feelings. For example, if I am stressed because I can't find a job, I shouldn't bear the "I can't find a job" as my cross. Instead I should bear the anxiety and worry I feel about not being able to currently find a job as my cross. If we bear our feelings as our cross, we are able to accept that they are just feelings but still give up the action and result to God's providence. "Even though I am worried and stressed and anxious about this, I know God has control over the outcome so I can bear my worry with a lighter heart." It's a good way to look at things, and to not heap the responsibility of finding all the answers to our life right now, in this instant, in human ways. Some things are not of human origin or human control. They just can't be! The more we accept that, the more at peace we will be. This is what I need to try and do. This is what I need to remember.
As I finished reading things I went back to an old daily meditation that I shared with my Let's Start ladies on our December Retreat. It said, "If you are going through something, and it's safe to say that we are all going through something at all times, do not let it hinder your inner peace. Hand it over to God and trust that he will take care of it for you and will help you through it. Rest. Be at peace, and be well." (Or something to that effect).
It was, is, and continues to be a good reminder to all of us, no matter where we are in our life, we need to just take a moment to be at rest with God, for only through him and through handing our life over to him will we "Be at peace, and be well."
As I was reading "The Screwtape Letters" the topic of bearing crosses came up. If you haven't read the book, it's a fiction story that consists of letters written by a senior "devil" who works for Satan writing to his nephew who is a "devil-in-training" (so to speak). Anyway, the letters are written from the devil's point of view, highlighting all the ways that this young protege should try to corrupt his "patient" (human, one of us). It gives insight into the ways that the human mind, heart, and body are tempted by things not of God, which is a good eye-opener. One of the topics was bearing crosses. I discovered, through reading this particular letter, that we tend to bear objects as crosses and not our feelings. For example, if I am stressed because I can't find a job, I shouldn't bear the "I can't find a job" as my cross. Instead I should bear the anxiety and worry I feel about not being able to currently find a job as my cross. If we bear our feelings as our cross, we are able to accept that they are just feelings but still give up the action and result to God's providence. "Even though I am worried and stressed and anxious about this, I know God has control over the outcome so I can bear my worry with a lighter heart." It's a good way to look at things, and to not heap the responsibility of finding all the answers to our life right now, in this instant, in human ways. Some things are not of human origin or human control. They just can't be! The more we accept that, the more at peace we will be. This is what I need to try and do. This is what I need to remember.
As I finished reading things I went back to an old daily meditation that I shared with my Let's Start ladies on our December Retreat. It said, "If you are going through something, and it's safe to say that we are all going through something at all times, do not let it hinder your inner peace. Hand it over to God and trust that he will take care of it for you and will help you through it. Rest. Be at peace, and be well." (Or something to that effect).
It was, is, and continues to be a good reminder to all of us, no matter where we are in our life, we need to just take a moment to be at rest with God, for only through him and through handing our life over to him will we "Be at peace, and be well."
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
"Exactly What They Are Supposed To Be Doing"
Today's Gospel tells about the Apostles and their willingness to preach, teach, and share the Good News about Jesus's life and resurrection no matter what the cost. They get thrown in jail, then an angel lets them out. The next day, they are teaching and preaching in the same spot they were arrested the first time. This time the authorities are scared and intimidated by THEIR inability to be intimidated. As Fr. Ed put it tonight, they didn't give up because they knew they were doing "Exactly what they were supposed to be doing." Jesus never stopped preaching, teaching, and sharing the Good News even when people talked about him, punished him, persecuted him, etc. He just kept right on going doing exactly what the Father had sent him to do. He knew it was his mission and he did it willingly, solely trusting in God's authority, love and protection.
This speaks to me today because I have no idea what "exactly I'm supposed to be doing." I'm in the middle of a crazy ass job search. I've pretty much halted the cold application process and am currently working on massive networking. I have contacted alumni from Marquette, professionals in the Chicago Young Nonprofit Professionals group, (same with Milwaukee if I ever hear back from them...), Kiwanians, old bosses/supervisors, and people that Jim & Geri know. I'm trying to get feedback and schedule conversations, because I know the more I get my name, face, and resume out there to people with a vested interest or at least common interest as me, I will eventually find the job that fits the desires of my heart, the job that fits God's plan for me, and the job that feels right and perfect and "exactly like what I'm supposed to be doing." Or it will at least come close for the time being. The problem is, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. PR, Marketing, Development? Schools, Education-related nonprofits, arts-related nonprofits, general nonprofits? Big organizations, small organizations, mid-sized organizations? I know I shouldn't stress so much about it but I'm a perfectionist in that I don't want to feel like I didn't do enough and I don't want to feel like I missed my opportunity. I want to do this right. I want to follow God's path for me, but I don't always have a lot a patience with waiting for God to reveal his plan in HIS time. I have serious issues with that, and with battling "letting go" with passivity. How do you "Let Go and Let God" while still actively searching out jobs the best you can? I have to learn to just do what I can and not try to control the outcomes so much. I can control the effort I put in, but I CAN'T CONTROL the outcomes. I need to learn, accept, and embrace that. But DAMN it's hard.
It doesn't help that other things are going on that are stressful. My 8th graders' musical is in 3 weeks and we still have scenes we haven't blocked and songs we don't know. Again, I can't control the outcome but it's hard being a perfectionist and having the years of arts experience I do to watch kids not make the most of their talent and potential and time! I want them to do well but you can't force them! My program director Geri is having a hysterectomy on Monday and will be out of commission for 4-6 weeks (they say). Besides the emotional and physical implications of such a major surgery (praying it's not cancer, the completely wiped out feeling she'll have, etc.), it's emotional because she has to miss our final retreat (her favorite retreat and the big closer of the year) and won't be around the house much at all for most of our last two months here. It's really sad :( I'm worried about her and I'm sad that our chats will be so limited.
It's beginning to really hit home that our service year is almost over. I've had such an amazing experience and have come to truly love my work, my kids, my women, my housemates, and my directors. I will be sad to leave them all, but of course having the not-always-high self confidence that I do, I worry about whether I'll be missed as much or even half as much as I'll miss them. I know the Let's Start ladies will miss me, and I think my kids will... I know Jim & Geri will, but who knows which housemates will. I am one of those people who needs that reassurance (for whatever reason -- maybe the years of failed friendships through freshman year of college and the current state of my high school relationships are the problem). It's just crazy to think that in two months, it'll all be over. Two months from Tuesday I'll be on my way back to Minnesota, either permanently or temporarily. I just wish I had a little bit more of my life under control, that so much of it wasn't quite so unpredictable or precarious right now.
I guess I'll just have to hang in there, pray HARD, and keep going with the program til the program leads to the next best thing. Amen.
This speaks to me today because I have no idea what "exactly I'm supposed to be doing." I'm in the middle of a crazy ass job search. I've pretty much halted the cold application process and am currently working on massive networking. I have contacted alumni from Marquette, professionals in the Chicago Young Nonprofit Professionals group, (same with Milwaukee if I ever hear back from them...), Kiwanians, old bosses/supervisors, and people that Jim & Geri know. I'm trying to get feedback and schedule conversations, because I know the more I get my name, face, and resume out there to people with a vested interest or at least common interest as me, I will eventually find the job that fits the desires of my heart, the job that fits God's plan for me, and the job that feels right and perfect and "exactly like what I'm supposed to be doing." Or it will at least come close for the time being. The problem is, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. PR, Marketing, Development? Schools, Education-related nonprofits, arts-related nonprofits, general nonprofits? Big organizations, small organizations, mid-sized organizations? I know I shouldn't stress so much about it but I'm a perfectionist in that I don't want to feel like I didn't do enough and I don't want to feel like I missed my opportunity. I want to do this right. I want to follow God's path for me, but I don't always have a lot a patience with waiting for God to reveal his plan in HIS time. I have serious issues with that, and with battling "letting go" with passivity. How do you "Let Go and Let God" while still actively searching out jobs the best you can? I have to learn to just do what I can and not try to control the outcomes so much. I can control the effort I put in, but I CAN'T CONTROL the outcomes. I need to learn, accept, and embrace that. But DAMN it's hard.
It doesn't help that other things are going on that are stressful. My 8th graders' musical is in 3 weeks and we still have scenes we haven't blocked and songs we don't know. Again, I can't control the outcome but it's hard being a perfectionist and having the years of arts experience I do to watch kids not make the most of their talent and potential and time! I want them to do well but you can't force them! My program director Geri is having a hysterectomy on Monday and will be out of commission for 4-6 weeks (they say). Besides the emotional and physical implications of such a major surgery (praying it's not cancer, the completely wiped out feeling she'll have, etc.), it's emotional because she has to miss our final retreat (her favorite retreat and the big closer of the year) and won't be around the house much at all for most of our last two months here. It's really sad :( I'm worried about her and I'm sad that our chats will be so limited.
It's beginning to really hit home that our service year is almost over. I've had such an amazing experience and have come to truly love my work, my kids, my women, my housemates, and my directors. I will be sad to leave them all, but of course having the not-always-high self confidence that I do, I worry about whether I'll be missed as much or even half as much as I'll miss them. I know the Let's Start ladies will miss me, and I think my kids will... I know Jim & Geri will, but who knows which housemates will. I am one of those people who needs that reassurance (for whatever reason -- maybe the years of failed friendships through freshman year of college and the current state of my high school relationships are the problem). It's just crazy to think that in two months, it'll all be over. Two months from Tuesday I'll be on my way back to Minnesota, either permanently or temporarily. I just wish I had a little bit more of my life under control, that so much of it wasn't quite so unpredictable or precarious right now.
I guess I'll just have to hang in there, pray HARD, and keep going with the program til the program leads to the next best thing. Amen.
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