too many emotions

One thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. It has served us well as prayer partners, friends, and now potentially "more." Except that I'm not sure I can visualize or feel the "more" and that's what's so sad about the whole thing. I want to, I think, but right now I just don't feel it. And in the midst of that I get hit today with, "Oh my god, Stephanie got married." I just want to burst into tears. I think I have a lot of emotions still riding up inside me and I don't really have an outlet for it. It's also blocking out anything else I can or want to or was able to feel. Shit, Stephie's married! She is no longer just my best friend -- now she's Brian's wife. Wife takes on new meaning and status and power than "girlfriend" or even "fiancee." Now that they are joined, legally and spiritually and emotionally and physically, in that way, it's a whole new ballgame. And I'm scared of losing my Stephie. At the same time, I am trying to visualize this friendship with Sully becoming a romantic relationship. He obviously cares about me, and I'm not sure I care about him in that way. I opened my heart to it and thought there was a possibility for it to go that way, but so far it hasn't. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I'm just not sure how I feel about any of it! I can easily see myself single again, and when I ask myself whether I can see Sully and me as more than friends, my automatic reaction is no and if I ask myself if Sully and I can be just friends my automatic reaction is yes. But am I ready to give up trying to see if something else is there? I just don't want to hurt him, and I'm afraid that if I continue to "date" him knowing that I don't yet have strong feelings for him that it's going to hurt him worse in the long run.

At least I could tell him I wasn't sure how I was feeling. Like I said, one thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. I told him last night I was having a hard time seeing him as more than a friend and I wasn't sure if I would be able to. I told him I didn't want to hurt him, that was the last thing I wanted to do, and that's why I told him. He seemed to take it ok, and in this morning's email he said that although he was taken aback and it wasn't the easiest thing to hear he did appreciate my candor. No matter what, we will always care about each other as friends. Sully would like to (or does) care about me as more, and although I'm leaning away from the "more" towards the "just friends" I haven't completely decided yet. I really need God's help and guidance in this. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anyone's friendship.

I hope that even if we are just friends we can still hang out and talk like usual. He'll still come with to Dan & Mal's wedding (I hope), and hopefully we can still hang out with his sister when she comes home for Christmas break. I really need your help here God. Tell me what to do, show me what's true and right.

I need good solid manual labor -- I'm going to help clean out the library today.