For the record, I'm not exactly confused anymore. Well, not really anyway. However, I know that I am confusING, especially to a certain member of the male species. And he has every right to be confused -- I "broke up" with him, but in the past week (starting three days after I broke up with him) we've talked every day (like normal), went on a random road trip to Milwaukee for Tuesday Night Mass, and had a great weekend of spontaneous adventures this weekend.
The thing is, I know I care about him, but I don't think I was ready for the way he cared about me or the way I might care about him. I need this to be light, no pressure, no intensity. That may not be fair to him, but I'm sick of emotionally intense relationships where I get so caught up in the intensity and emotion that I squeeze it to death, plan to death, analyze too much, and basically it just falls to pieces.
This feels like when I started dating my first boyfriend -- we hung out as friends, with those "potential feelings" simmering just below the surface, and then after our first kiss (nearly 2 months after our first "date" and two weeks after our more official yet still unofficial "first date") we said we were dating but still didn't necessarily refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend for a little bit.
The difference is, the way I care about Sully is a way I have never cared about anyone else before in my life. I know that sounds crazy and if that's the case, why don't I want to just go ahead and "officially" date him or jump into a relationship? I think it's because I'm scared. I am scared to care like that, and after all my previous relationships since John have been too emotionally intense, too physical, and have ended in friendships either being drastically changed or lost, I am scared to get involved in that with Sully.
I ask myself, "Am I even attracted to him? Why is it I think I care about him like I do?" The answers are this: Attraction comes in different forms. Up until this weekend I couldn't say that yes his looks are what initially attracted me, but the more I get to know him personally the more it enhances his physical "attractiveness" -- I got philosophical with myself this weekend... "What is attraction or attractiveness anyway?" I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, the old cliche is true -- "What makes a person attractive is who they are inside." And Sully is very attractive from the inside out -- I don't know how I never noticed it before.
I am so excited to continue whatever it is that's going on between us -- I'm just glad it's low-key and we aren't being overanalytical or intense about. We are simply enjoying each other's company and conversation, and we are having our Chicago adventures, and someday maybe we'll kiss again and start on the road to a relationship. But right now, we're just good friends hanging out, the possibility of more simmering just below the surface, and confusion not being a bad thing at all.
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