Last night I isolated myself. I slept, a LOT (depressed sleep), and cried some. I didn't interact with a single soul from 6:30 p.m. last evening until this morning. I haven't done that in YEARS, and even though it was self-pitying to some point, it was good in some respects too. I needed it, even if it wasn't the most healthy thing in the world. The positive side, besides catching up on sleep, was that I was able to read, and read things I needed to read that I've put off reading because I "haven't been in the mood" or "didn't have time." These included my "Reading God's Word" which has the daily Mass readings and C.S. Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" which I had started a while back and hadn't touched for several weeks.
As I was reading "The Screwtape Letters" the topic of bearing crosses came up. If you haven't read the book, it's a fiction story that consists of letters written by a senior "devil" who works for Satan writing to his nephew who is a "devil-in-training" (so to speak). Anyway, the letters are written from the devil's point of view, highlighting all the ways that this young protege should try to corrupt his "patient" (human, one of us). It gives insight into the ways that the human mind, heart, and body are tempted by things not of God, which is a good eye-opener. One of the topics was bearing crosses. I discovered, through reading this particular letter, that we tend to bear objects as crosses and not our feelings. For example, if I am stressed because I can't find a job, I shouldn't bear the "I can't find a job" as my cross. Instead I should bear the anxiety and worry I feel about not being able to currently find a job as my cross. If we bear our feelings as our cross, we are able to accept that they are just feelings but still give up the action and result to God's providence. "Even though I am worried and stressed and anxious about this, I know God has control over the outcome so I can bear my worry with a lighter heart." It's a good way to look at things, and to not heap the responsibility of finding all the answers to our life right now, in this instant, in human ways. Some things are not of human origin or human control. They just can't be! The more we accept that, the more at peace we will be. This is what I need to try and do. This is what I need to remember.
As I finished reading things I went back to an old daily meditation that I shared with my Let's Start ladies on our December Retreat. It said, "If you are going through something, and it's safe to say that we are all going through something at all times, do not let it hinder your inner peace. Hand it over to God and trust that he will take care of it for you and will help you through it. Rest. Be at peace, and be well." (Or something to that effect).
It was, is, and continues to be a good reminder to all of us, no matter where we are in our life, we need to just take a moment to be at rest with God, for only through him and through handing our life over to him will we "Be at peace, and be well."
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