Today's Gospel tells about the Apostles and their willingness to preach, teach, and share the Good News about Jesus's life and resurrection no matter what the cost. They get thrown in jail, then an angel lets them out. The next day, they are teaching and preaching in the same spot they were arrested the first time. This time the authorities are scared and intimidated by THEIR inability to be intimidated. As Fr. Ed put it tonight, they didn't give up because they knew they were doing "Exactly what they were supposed to be doing." Jesus never stopped preaching, teaching, and sharing the Good News even when people talked about him, punished him, persecuted him, etc. He just kept right on going doing exactly what the Father had sent him to do. He knew it was his mission and he did it willingly, solely trusting in God's authority, love and protection.
This speaks to me today because I have no idea what "exactly I'm supposed to be doing." I'm in the middle of a crazy ass job search. I've pretty much halted the cold application process and am currently working on massive networking. I have contacted alumni from Marquette, professionals in the Chicago Young Nonprofit Professionals group, (same with Milwaukee if I ever hear back from them...), Kiwanians, old bosses/supervisors, and people that Jim & Geri know. I'm trying to get feedback and schedule conversations, because I know the more I get my name, face, and resume out there to people with a vested interest or at least common interest as me, I will eventually find the job that fits the desires of my heart, the job that fits God's plan for me, and the job that feels right and perfect and "exactly like what I'm supposed to be doing." Or it will at least come close for the time being. The problem is, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. PR, Marketing, Development? Schools, Education-related nonprofits, arts-related nonprofits, general nonprofits? Big organizations, small organizations, mid-sized organizations? I know I shouldn't stress so much about it but I'm a perfectionist in that I don't want to feel like I didn't do enough and I don't want to feel like I missed my opportunity. I want to do this right. I want to follow God's path for me, but I don't always have a lot a patience with waiting for God to reveal his plan in HIS time. I have serious issues with that, and with battling "letting go" with passivity. How do you "Let Go and Let God" while still actively searching out jobs the best you can? I have to learn to just do what I can and not try to control the outcomes so much. I can control the effort I put in, but I CAN'T CONTROL the outcomes. I need to learn, accept, and embrace that. But DAMN it's hard.
It doesn't help that other things are going on that are stressful. My 8th graders' musical is in 3 weeks and we still have scenes we haven't blocked and songs we don't know. Again, I can't control the outcome but it's hard being a perfectionist and having the years of arts experience I do to watch kids not make the most of their talent and potential and time! I want them to do well but you can't force them! My program director Geri is having a hysterectomy on Monday and will be out of commission for 4-6 weeks (they say). Besides the emotional and physical implications of such a major surgery (praying it's not cancer, the completely wiped out feeling she'll have, etc.), it's emotional because she has to miss our final retreat (her favorite retreat and the big closer of the year) and won't be around the house much at all for most of our last two months here. It's really sad :( I'm worried about her and I'm sad that our chats will be so limited.
It's beginning to really hit home that our service year is almost over. I've had such an amazing experience and have come to truly love my work, my kids, my women, my housemates, and my directors. I will be sad to leave them all, but of course having the not-always-high self confidence that I do, I worry about whether I'll be missed as much or even half as much as I'll miss them. I know the Let's Start ladies will miss me, and I think my kids will... I know Jim & Geri will, but who knows which housemates will. I am one of those people who needs that reassurance (for whatever reason -- maybe the years of failed friendships through freshman year of college and the current state of my high school relationships are the problem). It's just crazy to think that in two months, it'll all be over. Two months from Tuesday I'll be on my way back to Minnesota, either permanently or temporarily. I just wish I had a little bit more of my life under control, that so much of it wasn't quite so unpredictable or precarious right now.
I guess I'll just have to hang in there, pray HARD, and keep going with the program til the program leads to the next best thing. Amen.
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