Changes

Have you ever had one of those weeks/weekends where you felt like you couldn't do anything right?

Well, I don't feel quite THAT distraught, but I will say that this past weekend pretty much sucked. After I broke up with Sully Thursday, I called Dan bawling my eyes out. It's nice to know that even my engaged friends can be supportive -- especially for a guy! :)

Friday I was pretty much in the same fog I had been in all day Thursday, but luckily I didn't have to work at the school. I attended a conference at Loyola University about fundraising instead. It was very informative, but I didn't network the way I probably should have. Oh well, I did my best.

Of course, when I left, it was raining, and by the time I got home it was raining harder. I quickly changed and grabbed a snack, then went to meet Clare & Christy. My umbrella broke and I was SOAKED by the time I saw them. Clare seemed only sort of happy to see me, and things with Christy were the usual superficial pleasantries. Clare & I met up with Nicole, and we headed to Tinley Park. We met up with her friend Beth & went to a movie ("Stranger than Fiction" -- great movie!). I was abnormally quiet and subdued, but I'd had a rough emotional week so far, and I wasn't quite recovered.

Saturday was the day-long retreat through Charis Ministries (young adult retreat ministry group through the Chicago Province of the Jesuits). It was exactly what I needed, minus the fact that it was me/Nicole "versus" Suzette, Christy & Clare. Clare was much more excited to see Suzette (whom she had just seen last week) than she was to see me (whom she hadn't seen since June). I cared, but I knew they were not able to understand or be supportive of my mood -- hell, Suzette hadn't called or emailed in 3 weeks and the email communication we DID have this week was short and snippy. They can have each other for all I care -- at least Nicole was aware and supportive. We didn't even have to talk about it -- she just knew and understood and offered comfort just by being there. Saturday night my phone continued to be stupid and I had to find Erica -- she hung out with me watching movies at my apartment when I know she probably would have rather been with Clare & Suz, but I thought they were all going out and was NOT in the mood. Apparently Clare & Suz stayed in but felt like they weren't welcomed/invited to my place so they didn't call. What a load of crap. I mean, I'm sure they felt that way and I'm sure that to some extent I sent off that vibe -- but did it occur to them to ASK me what was wrong? Did it occur to them that maybe something was going on and that's why I was in that mood? Did it occur to them that trying to coordinate schedules for two sets of friends and a retreat all in one weekend was hard and should NOT have been left totally up to me? Nope, none of that occured to them, and I end up looking like the bad guy.

Needless to say, I've cried a lot in the past 5 days. I got to school this morning and the big project I did last week was a mess -- there were huge translation issues and everyone sort of got a talking to about making sure that translations were accurate and done in a timely manner. Surprisingly, that didn't set me off (but it came close). However, even though things are getting better and I know that things are always rough the first year on a job, I am just not happy here and I am seriously considering looking for a new job come spring. We'll see how things continue to go, but I need a work environment that fits my personality and best utilizes/emphasizes my gifts and talents.

Things with Sully will be ok. Things with the GVVA girls? Who the hell knows -- and quite frankly, at this point I don't care. It's like Nicole & Patricia & Karen were freshman year -- they could only be so supportive and after that there was a superficial wall. Over the years, it developed so we could all support everything about each other and be there for each other. Perhaps someday Suz & Clare & Erica and I will reach that same level of being able to support no matter what and to understand/comfort even when it's too much drama. Until that happens, I'll just let them be and do their own thing, and I will be and do mine.

Back to work.