I realized that this week must have been nutty and emotional because I hadn't written in my gratitude journal since Monday and DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT! I've been so good about taking the time each and every day, or at least every other day, to write down the things I've been grateful for those days. That's so uncharacteristic of me to forget it! But, since the past couple weeks have been super stressful and I have not done much to channel that stress, it's been an internal time bomb waiting to happen. First it was the night o'depression and sleep. Then it was tonight's outburst with Annie.
Things between us have never been anything near good or positive. We have our moments where we can sort of get along in a "we have to because we live with each other" kind of way. However, there is and always has been, for some reason, this crazy tension and inability to be comfortable around each other. She's completely shut off and I am too emotional. When she's stressed or bumming, she internalizes it and keeps to herself. When I'm stressed or bumming, it affects the way I deal with others, especially the people I live with (and usually not in a positive way). Neither of our attitudes or modes of operation are good, but we don't really have any other way. Tonight it all came tumbling out, at least from my end, with Suzette as the recipient, which was the first time I'd really let it all come tumbling out. It should have come tumbling out between McCance and I six months ago, but what can you do? I don't know if she and I will ever have the chance to talk it out, but I pray that God can at least somewhat heal our hearts and help us bridge some sort of gap. I've tried, however imperfectly, and I know she doesn't like living this way any more than I do. But I'm scared to talk to her and she just won't talk to me. So we're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm just tired of it and wish that it could be different. I don't expect, need, or want to be her best friend. I just wish I could come home and not feel like the big bad wolf with her. I just wish we could have civil conversations, or ANY conversations.
On a separate note, I have a phone interview scheduled with St. Martin de Porres High School in Waukegan, Illinois. Waukegan is 41 miles from downtown Chicago and 53 miles from downtown Milwaukee (best of both worlds!) It is close to Gurnee (shopping & Great America) & Antioch (Ryan's family), is also not too far from Crystal Lake (where Dan & Mal will be), AND (the best part) is on the lake (Lake Michigan that is). Besides the geographical parts of the city that are cool, the job itself is something I am extremely interested in. It's a Communications Director position, and would be a reasonably challenging and exciting first job. The high school itself is part of the Cristo Rey Network, which is a network of Catholic college prep high schools across the country that uses extended school days and requires students to participate in the Corporate Internship Program, which allows them the chance to gain real world work experience while helping them pay their own tuition. The network itself is only about 10 years old, and this school is one of several that recently opened in 2004. It's still a relatively new and exciting venture, and I'd be excited to be part of it. I know I'm getting WAY ahead of myself by even imagining that this could be the next move, but it's another one of those things that happened so fast. I won't know anything but my own personal wishes and speculations until the phone interview on May 16. I guess it's a good thing we have retreat this week, it'll give me some good quality prayer time to pray about 1) Annie, 2) St. Martin de Porres High School, and 3) the end of the year and leaving.
It's been such an incredible year and I can't hardly believe it's almost over. The month of May will fly and will be filled with some sad but joyful moments. I pray that God's love never leaves me and that his will guides me in these next phases. :)
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