I've always heard that mixing business and pleasure is a tricky business. I've found that to be incredibly true lately. I have found a really good new friend in our assistant principal, but he's sort of a "boss" to me and our coworker relationship is a lot more aloof, formal, and "strict" than our personal friendship is becoming. We have a great time outside of school -- hanging out, talking, sharing stories, relaxing, etc. We share a lot of the same interests and can talk for hours. However, it's hard to put that aside in a work-setting. I'm not used to working with someone I feel that personally connected with, especially someone who could potentially become a really great friend. All my other jobs, ever, have had me working with people in either a tolerant relationship (we work together and tolerate each other and that's that) or we've had a great time but didn't really extend the socializing past work or work-related activities. The only time that has not been the case was with Mike & Amy, and that situation was unique and very drama-filled (I'm not even going to go there). This is the first normal and real friendship I've found in Chicago, and it happens to be with a coworker that yes I find I feel an attraction towards. That doesn't help matters, but the potential for friendship closeness is there anyway (and actually makes the attraction part more difficult to ignore).
He said I don't have enough confidence in my abilities, and in a lot of ways he's right. I was very confident in myself and my abilities when I was job hunting, but now that I have a job it's like I'm totally insecure. I think I'm just not comfortable in this environment and that makes it difficult for me to be comfortable and confident in my job. I think the language barrier is a huge issue, and I think the tasks that I'm required to do are so broad and overwhelming that I can only do so much and feel like I'm slacking when I don't get to everything! Fr. Tim wants me to do this recruiting push, and I appreciate AND understand the need for it but that's a full-time job and if I take a month to dedicate to that, then the development/marketing efforts will fall by the wayside (just like me focusing on the development/marketing efforts means the recruiting will fall by the wayside). I feel that in the desire to do marketing, development AND recruiting I am failing to meet expectations for all three. I really want to get parents involved in the recruiting part of things, because they are our best advocates, but that requires organization too. I would much rather do that than feel like I have to do this recruiting thing all by myself. I'm getting a committee to help with my fundraiser, why can't I have a recruiting committee? It's very stressful trying to balance all of this, AND move into my apartment, AND help with all the last minute support/details of Steph's wedding (did I MENTION that Holy Hill said all the girls have to wear straps on our dresses? Fine for the bridesmaids, because ours are strapless/strap convertible, but Steph's was made strapless... she really doesn't want to wear a shawl, so she has to figure out to get straps into her already gorgeous wedding dress... GEEZ. And they couldn't have told us this 8 months ago?!) Anyway, I do thrive under pressure, but this time the emotional impact stems from a deeper feeling of dissatisfaction and like I'm not living up to my potential. I purposely hold myself back because I don't want to burn out, but that means I don't fully immerse myself heart and soul into things, which is where the greatest achievements happen. The only times I have really full given of myself 100% to a "job" were at Cabrini (from the little kids up to the 8th grade musical), Frosh 2-Day retreat, and the week of Christmas Program. Isn't that amazing and sad? Those were the most fulfilling moments of my life, and it's because I truly immersed myself in the mission and purpose and let myself love and be filled with compassion during those times. Why can't I let myself do it anywhere else, esp. in my daily life and in my career? Perhaps it's because I know this isn't my career goal in life... I feel so at home when I think about getting that Masters in Spirituality, but I know I'm not going to do that right now... I need to get through at least one year of work. And of course part of me wonders what will happen with whatever friendships I form here at Procopius if/when I leave in a year or two...
Anyway, I could ramble for a while, but I really need to eat lunch before my 3rd meeting of the day starts in 10 minutes. Pray for me, and know that I am with you always.
Love,
Bri
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