I have been home for 6 days now, and it's been the laziest 6 days of my life it feels. Yet I don't feel like a sluggish bum, though I should. I have done very little except read, watch loads of tv, and spend time on the internet. I did go to dinner & fireworks with Mom and John for the 4th of July, which was nice minus the big "job talk". Wednesday night Mike came over for dinner, baseball and cribbage (whoo hoo, exciting night!) Thursday Mom and I had a girls day at the Mall of America, which included pedicures, window shopping, chats about men over lunch, and a girlie chick flick and ice cream to end the evening. Other than that, I've been wholed up here, doing pretty much nothing, feeling absolutely no motivation whatsoever, and getting quite accustomed to it.
Why do I feel like that's a bad thing?
Because I'm worried about getting depressed or just apathetic. I'm worried that I'll get so comfortable with not having a job that I won't work hard to get to Chicago, which is why I pushed so hard to begin with in March. I knew that moving home would allow me to vegetate, and grow roots, and would make the dream of Chicago not feel so exciting or pressing. It's weird not having people around all the time! I mean, there are no roommates, no priests, no one stopping by to work for the afternoon -- and though the quiet is nice, it's also a little anti-social. I have very few peers in Minnesota -- of my three high school friends, one I am in touch with quite a bit, one emails sporadically but is completely unreliable when it comes to making plans, and the other has pretty much left my life for reasons unknown to me. I have few if any college friends in Minnesota... a couple maybe, but they have work, they have lives. The only other two people I could possible hang out with have made life choices that I'm not sure I agree with or would be comfortable around.
It doesn't help any that half the people I know in the world who ARE my peers and ARE my friends are either half-way across the country and/or are either married, engaged, or in a serious relationship? This includes my best friend whose maid-of-honor I'll be in Novemeber and my dear friend/ex-boyfriend Greg who told me Thursday he asked his "former nun" girlfriend (LONG story) to marry him (!!). I don't tend to be bitter about relationships and not being in one, because I know I don't need a guy to make me happy and I know I'm not in a permanent enough place to think about dating anyway! I'm not really complaining about not having a social life, because I'm still getting used to the days of sleeping in and having no responsibilities. I also realize that at some point I will be moving, and I don't want to start making new friends when I'm going to be leaving soon! What's the point? It's hard when everyone around you either has life plans, friends close by, a job, and/or a relationship to make them happy, excited, and focused on something! I don't have that focus. I did, when it was Suzette & I getting each other pumped up about moving to Chicago and all the things we'd get to do and the people we'd meet... that all seems to have disappeared somehow. My adament desire and motivation seemed to zap away with that first night home and those 11 hours of sleep.
It's just weird for me to be here, with no one to talk to in person, no one to hang out with, NO CAR to go do random sight-seeing or exploring, and no desire or motivation to find a job, get a life, or do anything remotely related to living like a living, breathing, exciting human being. I am perfectly content to sit at home with my books, my computer, and my tv. I'm lonely and I don't know what to do with it. What the hell has happened to me in six short days?
GVVs, I miss you!
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