Remembering 9/11

I know that the whole country is doing this today (or they're avoiding doing this today), and I know a lot of people think it's probably blown out of proportion. But you know what? 9/11/2001 was a highly emotionally charged day and the way it's affected our country since then are hard to ignore. In fact, the trauma and the change is worth remembering, if for no other reason than to hopefully avoid the same mistakes again, and to honor the memory of those who were victims of an undeniably horrible tragedy.

For me, 9/11 kicked off a very interesting year for me. It was my freshman year of college, and I had been in Milwaukee, at Marquette, for 3 weeks when the World Trade Center went down. It was a Tuesday morning, and I had an 11 o'clock class. I slept in, as usual, and after my shower got to talking to my dad on AIM. He asked if I had seen the news, and I said no, so he told me to turn it on. I didn't really comprehend what I was seeing at first -- it was unreal, but I knew very little about New York or the WTC or the magnitude of what was happening. I'll admit, I was a little shaken and I didn't even know why.

I walked to my HP English class in a little bit of a daze -- I think we all were in one. I don't really remember how I got there, but I got there, and Angela Sorby in all her classic-Sorbyness was shaken and talked for 10 minutes before letting us go. By noon, the university had cancelled the rest of the day's classes. All I remember is watching tv all day. Since it was the beginning of my rebellion against God/religion, I didn't go to any of the memorial services. Maybe if I had, things that year would have been different, but at that point I was not motivated to do it. I remember calling mom and leaving her a message because I knew she was working nights... when she got my message she originally thought the president had been shot/killed. Obviously not, but the trauma was about the same, if not worse. I also remember getting a call from my uncle Roger (my dad's brother), who apparently had flown out of Boston that morning to somewhere south along the east coast (North Carolina maybe?) He was stranded, away from his family, just as I was stranded, away from mine. It was good to talk to him, even though it was awkward since we usually didn't hear from each other when it wasn't a holiday. I don't even remember what I said to Val, my roommate. Did we talk about it (like we ever talked about anything else, why would we talk about this?) or did we spend time with our "friends" (what real "friends" could we have after 3 weeks of school? Certainly not the familiar close friends from home). I was not on the best of terms with my mother at that point, and Dad as usual was Dad, but I can remember really wanting/needing someone family-related close by. But I was alone, in a strange new city, with nothing but email, telephone, and AIM to keep me connected. I found an old email I wrote that day, and I wanted to share parts of it:

"Hey Guys, It has most definitely been an interesting day... everyone keeps talking about how it's like with Kennedy was shot, how we'll remember this day forever... i didn't expect this in a million years, and i am surprised at how in shock it made me. And as stupid as it sounds, all I could think about when I saw the footage was the movie "Independence Day"- except for the whole alien thing. It sounds crazy, but it's true... some unknown (semi-unknown) force implemented disaster on our country, taking out our major military and financial places of business... So many people have been personally affected- many have friends or family at school or living or travelling within these premises today... Today has been a day of reconnecting as much as possible; email, IM and phone have become increasingly important. It's insane. TVs have been on all day, in everyone's room we wait to hear the latest update... Time seems to have come to a standstill and with the cancelling of classes in some schools, we have been forced to think about it... I have friends worried about war, distrusting President Bush, talking about Arabs and lots of other terriosts issues... I haven't even begun to consider who or why- i'm still trying to deal with the what."

Five years later, and I'm STILL trying to deal with the what. So much has changed since then -- politically, environmentally, socially, personally -- and yet that day is ingrained in me and my memory to every intricate detail. I had forgotten until I began to look back at old journal entries and emails how much it affected me and my life -- it affected my first semester of Phonathon calling (we weren't allowed to call the East Coast at first, then it was limited to just NY/DC), and I realized that not only was my uncle stranded but my cousin Phillip was at that point overseas (in Korea, if memory serves me correctly) serving in the army (he did eventually go to Iraq). A year and a half later, during my ADPR/HP seminar on "Media, Religion, and Cultural Identity", we were talking via webcam with the person in charge of some "Center for Christian-Muslim Understanding" the day Pres. Bush declared war on Iraq. How ironic is that?

It just amazes me that every year this anniversary gets to me. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, it is ALWAYS a day of reflection for me. I have a million things to do today at work, and there are much "better" ways I could be spending my Monday time. However, to me, I have to acknowledge these feelings. Every year it's a flashback -- I go back to that day, how I felt, where I was, who I was, who I was with, and that leads down the road to remembering what it was like to be in college for me, especially those first two years. People that were in my life then that aren't in my life now, the people that became destined to become part of my life, the dramas that ensued, the events that took place -- September 11, 2001 jump-started the whole blasted thing! If not for 9/11, I don't doubt that my freshman year would still have been rough but I don't think it would have had the same tone, and there by far would not have been the political/social environment surrounding my life as there was because of the terrorist attacks.

I could talk for hours about this, partially because I never really have. I journal about it every other year or so, but really, I deal with it in my own way on my own terms. It would be better for me to really truly deal, but I only know one person (at this point) I could do it with and she's 2 hours away work evenings all week. The other is someone I could talk to about it over drinks... and I didn't even know him 5 years ago (met him the weekend following 9/11 to be exact). It amazes me that this much has changed in my world and my life, and I can't even begin to put a finger on the WAYS it has changed me. I just know it has, and I know it will continue to change me and be part of me for the rest of my life.

Maybe that's what days like today are all about anyway -- remembering yes, mourning of course, but really truly attempting to understand and comprehend and accept and acknowledge and act on the changes that are part of us because of it. That's where my hope and thoughts lie anyway.