Advent Reflection - Dec. 3

Scripture: “And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age. “ – Matthew 28:16-19

‘I will be with you, til the end…” This always reminds me of the “Peace I leave with you, my friends, my friends, and I will be with you to the end.” I absolutely feel like God is always with me. If I think about what life would be like with God’s presence, it’s very dreary and scary. I can’t fathom not believing in God. God and my faith are the benchmarks for everything I do, think, say, and believe. All my actions, all my dreams, the things that make me happy, the things that satisfy me, the things that give me peace, where I find my strength – all of these things come from God and from my faith. Without Him, I would be empty and alone, and I would not have meaning in my life.

The Presence of God: Lord, in this time of Advent preparation I open my heart to hear your voice. May I be open to journey with you and be taken into the deepest parts of myself to discover your will.

I am definitely in tune with this reflection right now. I am very much attuned to what God is calling me to do in my work, my relationships, and my faith. I know God is bringing me to a very defining moment in my life – a fork in the road where I must make a choice between two passions and follow through on it. I know what will make me happiest and what will make my life feel the most fulfilled. But I don’t know if this is my time. I know God has a will and a path for me, and I’m watching and waiting for the right sign to take the right step. “I open my heart to hear your voice, Lord.” Please help me take the steps towards greater fulfillment in you.

Freedom: On this day I take the time to be with you God. By slowing down I begin to give you priority.

I am very happy because I am probably the least stressed I’ve been coming into this season ever. I have most of my Christmas shopping taken care of (planned out if not purchased). I have my schedule all set, I won’t be spending obscene amounts of money on social engagements, and I will get to see almost all of my good friends before or during the holidays. I also actually get a full 12 days off for the holidays, which is super exciting. It’s nice having actual vacation time this year. I am also fully totally in love and am thoroughly enjoying spending the season with my boy, his family, my family, and our friends. It’s such a comfort and a joy to be able to be this happy and share this happiness with other people. It really is a freeing thing.

Consciousness: My mind is full of everything I need to do. Give me the knowledge to know how and where you are working and calling me in my life.

It is a very busy time of the year and if you’re not organized and not on top of all your projects, it’s easy to get stressed out. I know this year I feel the least stressed I’ve felt because I’ve planned ahead and because I’ve been through this season before in this time and place. The money, the social engagements, and the expectations are all reasonably set and being adhered to. However, I have to remain consciously open to God’s will working in new, surprising, and spontaneous ways. He is calling me to something right now, I can feel the anticipation of it in my bones, but I have yet to figure out exactly what it is. So I remain open (keeping the light on for God) and am trying to listen for his call.

The Word: We are called to preach not with words, but by our everyday lives, through action. The greatest gift we have is our time. I pray that I may take the time to be with you, God, so I may learn to give time to others, particularly those in need.

I have been trying to make time for others as well as for myself. I am very sad I did not get to see the STL crowd and sharing my service experiences with them on Saturday. I’m also sad I did not get to go to the Charis Service Day and that the MU Service Day is the day I’ll probably be going to Alogonquin to see Steph and Brian (and maybe new baby?) But, I find that I am serving others and living the Gospel in other ways. I will be at the Advent Day of Prayer on Saturday. I am helping with Charis programming meetings (retreat re-design and overall programming). I am giving of my time to new friends in a social and listening ear environment. Giving to those in need does not always mean giving to those who are poor and marginalized (although certainly their needs must be met as well). I feel like this Christmas my giving to those in need means giving to those friends who need a listening ear, a helping hand, or a sense of sanity.

Conversation: Where do I place my energy each day?

My energy is saved for the evening activities this month. I don’t expend a lot during the school day (as I should) because I have so much going on in the evenings that I don’t want to be burnt out, tired, or cranky by the time the evening comes around. Luckily I feel as though things are fairly under control in the workplace, so I am able to put my thoughts and energies elsewhere. I am however also placing a lot of energy into Charis, Christmas, and possible job changes. These may be misguided energies, but they are what they are. I’m not entirely sure that placing my energy into those things is bad, because I feel like God is leading me somewhere with these energies, but I also need to remember that energy must be used for the present as well as the future. I can’t live in the future – it’s too uncertain. I have to live in the present. That’s hard for me sometimes.

Conclusion: Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. Amen

It's Time to Move On

When you know, you know.

I am finally ready to move on to a new phase of my life. I am ready to start a find a new job, get a new place to life, and start a new life with a hopefully new spouse. Granted, all of that is still a year or two away, but I am ready. After spring break of next year, I will very likely begin the process of looking for another job. I have no idea when we'll be engaged, but I hope it'll be next year. And I hope that being engaged means that the 08-09 lease on my apartment will be the last one before he and I find a place together.

I am so ready for this. I am ready to move on, towards new friends and new relationships, towards new experiences and new growth, towards developing new talents and new interests, towards a new life.

St. Procopius has been a decent experience all around, and I wouldn't change it because I've learned a lot, but it is not the place for me to stay long-term. It'll be amazing to me that I gave it two full years (well, two full school years anyway). And while I love my apartment quite a bit, I'll be ready to settle down in a house (or condo) with my beloved boy. And while I am enjoying the "just dating" thing, I feel called and ready to be engaged and to be married and to be one part of a whole with a man. I'm ready for the physical, spiritual, and emotional future waiting for me.

I have the ability to be patient, and I will be. Sometimes knowing that change is on the horizon makes it easier to wait and do the best you can until that moment comes. I don't know what will come first, a new job or an engagement ring, but I have no doubt that before 2008 is out I'll be the happy recipient of both!

Not a Front-Man

It's a weakness, a personality flaw, an insecurity, a whatever-you-want-to-call-it. I'm not a front man. My major might have been public relations and I might be good with people, but I'm still not a good front man. I'm good at meeting-and-greeting and I can plan a meet-and-greet session, but the finding people TO meet and greet is NOT my strong suit.

I can't even exactly pinpoint exactly what it is that I'm not good at. I'm a planner by nature, and I'm extremely well-written, well-organized, well-thought out, well-planned, etc. I also am good with people and generally know what to say to make them feel at ease (at least visitors/donors) and how to make them feel welcome. But there's some sort of middle step between the planning/organizing and actually in-person communication that I lack, skip over, don't like to do, am not good at doing, whatever the case may be. And it seems as though I'm not always bad at it and not always adverse to it. If it comes to e-mailing a professor at Marquette to come speak to my Circle K club, I can do that -- I did that. For some reason, though, being here makes it harder. Perhaps it's what I'm asking for or who I have to contact. It's just weird that I have such an aversion to making simple phone calls and going to visit people.

Although I've grown up and matured a lot since moving to Chicago, I also think in some ways I've reverted back to the shy parts of my personality. I'm a lot more introverted than people might think sometimes. Don't ask me to try and understand myself -- it's too complicated. :)

Ramblings

Well I was trying to figure out what subject line to use. Should it be...

"My bus driver's trying to kill me" (reference to my commute this morning)
OR "No wonder young adults don't read the news" (reflection on something I learned last week and noted today)
OR "Resign from the impossible job of trying to keep everyone happy" (a Life's Little Instruction from last week)
OR "Casual Fridays... or not" (reference to Friday's Life's Little Instruction that I read today)

Ok, let me explain.

1) My bus driver this morning drove like a maniac. He just barrelled down Halsted (the street that connects me from my yuppie neighborhood of Lakeview to the Mexican haunts of Pilsen) and would have to slam on the brakes at the stops if someone was there or requested it. He was not cautious at all. He wasn't even running late, so I don't know what his problem was! At times I definitely feared for not only my life but any life that got in his way!!! Luckily, I arrived safe and sound at my stop and had a nice stroll down to the church. But sheesh, could they DRIVE a little bit better? You don't see semi-truck drivers being that reckless, not usually anyway! No wonder people think my bus line is one of the worst in the city. I'm beginning to agree! It really is a little crazy sometimes!

2) Last week I went to a meeting to talk about media relations etc. The presenter was saying that people in our demographic (18-35) don't read or watch the news, and that we "don't really care about the news." Well I definitely fit into that category, which I know is bad because it's good to be informed, but it made me think of the Red Eye advertisements. Red Eye is the FREE daily paper the Chicago Tribune publishes to give people a Cliff Notes version of the news. It also has a lot of pop culture and "stuff to do in Chicago" section. They have an advertising campaign with the tagline "To the Point." The ads have these super short 2-3 word headlines to sum up the content of the paper. So, why don't people our age read or care about the news? Because we can sum it up like those ads: "War continues. Health studies show. Politicians corrupt. Celebrities party. Celebrities marry. Celebrities divorce. Gang violence continues. Murder occurs. Robbery reported. Drugs involved. Someone sent to prison. Sports figure arrested. Sports figure gets bigger salary. Funding cut. Popuation increases. Religions clash. Governments clash." etc. etc. You get the picture. Our generation feels it doesn't need to read the paper because it knows what it's going to see -- variations on these themes and more. No solutions, just reports. Reactivity versus proactivity. It's sort of interesting, isn't it? Anyway, it made me think when I grabbed the Red Eye today. I don't usually read it unless the front page story catches my eye because the news feels like it's the same old stuff every day! Of course, that's not always the case, but you get the point. Kind of depressing, isn't it?

3) I think sometimes we forget that we can't make everyone happy. We feel like we're repsonsible for making sure our boss, significant other, friends, family, strangers on the bus, etc. are happy so as not to cause conflict. We think that if they aren't happy around us, it's because we're doing something wrong. What a load of pressure!!! Good grief! I know I'm guilty of this, but the LLI is true... you can't make everyone happy so you shouldn't overwhelm yourself with trying. I think the goal is to make sure we are each personally happy and that God is happy with our life and our choices. From there we can help others seek or find happiness just by our example. Their happiness should not be our life goal nor should it be a measure of OUR happiness.

4) The LLI quote says "Tell the manager where you bank that you abhor Casual Fridays. Anyone dealing with your money should be dressed in respectful business attire." I read this and immediately thought of my boyfriend in the banking business. When he worked at the bank building, he had to wear a suit and tie every day. Now that he's in more the financial analyst office, he wears business casual every day. They have "casual Fridays" but it doesn't include jeans. I personally don't abhor casual Fridays, and I think if someone is in khakis and a polo versus a business suit, that's ok with me. I guess someone wearing jeans in a bank setting would seem a little strange, but I would not "take my business elsewhere" strictly based on the person's attire.

Random thoughts for the day. Hope you enjoy!

From death comes new life

One week ago I was saddened by the news that a high school classmate of mine had passed away.

This week I'm in awe and full of joy for the new baby that came into the world yesterday, courtesy of my dear friends Rob and Jeanna.

It's amazing that the cycle of life continues despite our many trials and tribulations, ups and downs, whether we're ready for it or not.

I am so grateful to have their presence in my life, and to have witnessed (in some small way) this miracle.

I pray everyone comes to understand that both death and new birth are part of life, and that we can always count on the cycle continuing, even in our most desparate of days.

Isolation

I don't know what it is, but I have been feeling terribly isolated the past few days.

Last week was rough. One of our school moms might be deported. A high school classmate of mine died suddenly the previous weekend (third in 10 months, second in the past 2 months). The associate pastor at my school went into rehab for alcoholism. We had major storms that caused a power surge in the school, which in effect killed my computer's motherboard, the security cameras, the doorbell system, the internet (which is back), and screwed with the phones (which are now fixed, though a few phones were fried). And finally, I spent the weekend painting my apartment, and the color sometimes looks good and sometimes looks wrong.

I finally cried Saturday morning, but it didn't help much. I was being a pain in the butt to Sully and I knew it but I tried to let it go. Monday I took a personal day because I was overwhelmed and needed a mental break from everything. I worked out ("joined" Bally's with my free 3-month membership finally) and bought Harry Potter #7 (which I haven't started yet because I am finishing another book first). Yesterday I had a decent day at work but felt crowded. Last night I got myself tipsy on 2 glasses of wine and a beer while I did laundry and watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls. Today I woke up and I feel very very isolated and depressed.

I know God would not want me to be depressed and to be honest I can't really figure out why I'm feeling this way. Part of it is there are friends I haven't seen or spoken to in several weeks. Last week I just didn't have time to connect with anyone because of the crazy emotions (and because Mom was in town for the first part of the week). I haven't seen or spoken to friends from Marquette or from Chicago, and that makes me sad. I also can't really complain about my job, except I feel pressured to do things when I don't have the money, and I feel as though Alma (who has great ideas and enthusiasm) will not understand that some parts of my job are in place and have been in place and you can't just come in and change everything! She has also made me aware, not maliciously but by virtue of her example and experience, how ill-prepared I am to serve this minority community. I don't know the language nor do I know the culture. My ideas and vision for a development and recruitment plan are wrapped up in a white middle-class American point of view. I feel as though I can have relationships with our parents as people but I don't know how to market to them or relate to them professionally. I don't hate my job and I don't want to quit, but boy do I feel as though I'm in the wrong place sometimes AND boy does it make me feel awful to think that my gifts and talents are better served in a place where the population is a bit more like me. Is that horrible?

Some people are able to bridge the gap. Some people are meant to be with "their own kind" and serve that way. I always said that the corporate world needs a sense of mission and spirituality just as much as the nonprofit world. Not that I will likely ever work in a truly corporate environment, although there are corporate environments in certain nonprofit settings. I know I will continue to learn a lot this year about marketing to other cultures, but I also know that part of my job is working with my own culture, since sadly we are the ones with the money.

Is this all that's bothering me? I don't know. Things with Sully and I are good, although there are times I don't know how he puts up with me. I feel moody and nit-picky and bossy and I can't seem to figure out how to stop being that way sometimes.

I'm stressed, depressed, isolated, and alone... and I don't quite know how to get out of it. I do pray, which I try to keep doing even though it doesn't necessarily make me feel better. Other than that, I don't know what else to do. I know I wouldn't hurt myself, at least I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to do that. Just because I don't know where my life is going right now doesn't mean that God's given up on my journey. He knows my path and he'll reveal it in due time. I'm not ready to give up yet -- it's far too early to do that. I just have to figure out how to make it through the day and into the next. I'll keep you posted.

Bri and Sully

It's been a long journey, but we are back together and we are better than ever!

We started dating in late October, broke up after three weeks, got back together (gradual process, by December 1st), broke up in mid-late January, then spent almost 3 months working through a LOT of stuff before we were able to acknowledge that we love each other and we want to work through the rest together. It's been amazing ever since.

The big issues were many-fold:
1) physical intimacy and the role faith/religion plays in the physical;
2) getting settled into a new city and new living environment with a new job and new responsibilities and new challenges making/keeping friends;
3) facing fears and what was motivating the fears (residual hurt and low self-confidence on some levels from previous relationships).

Most of it was stuff I had to work on myself, because most of it I didn't really think about or realize until after the break up (#1 I knew about for sure on some level, #2 to some extent but not as much as #1, and #3 not at all until much later). The last break up in January HAD to happen in order for me to deal with some of these issues and begin exploring them in a way that I was able to articulate.

Luckily, Sully loves me and was able to be patient and supportive, despite some rather unpleasant moments we've had. Valentine’s Day was AWFUL. Not only was it a day based on romance on which we happened to have Marquette basketball tickets, but he was miserably sick and we had some major transportation issues. Needless to say, that was NOT our finest hour. Nor was the Marquette/Pittsburgh weekend in Milwaukee. Oh lord, that is something I hope to NEVER repeat. Sully and I were just at each other’s throats the whole weekend, for real reason other than it was awkward being with the ex. I was able to get along fine with his friends and his sister, but the two of us needed to be kept FAR apart. That was awful too.

However, I had written him a letter attempting to explain some things back in February and he was able to be extremely sweet and supportive when my grandma died (yea, she died. I’m now an orphan grandchild, no living grandparents remaining. It’s REALLY sad, and I miss her SO FREAKING MUCH. Anyway, that's another story). Sully and I were able to finally talk about the letter and us some when we went down to St. Louis for Katie B’s wedding. We left it at, yes we care about each other but we’re not sure we’re ready for or interested in dating again. We decided to just keep having open and honest communication.

On Holy Thursday I went to Mass with Sully and Suzette. I had had a really interesting conversation with my spiritual director earlier than week about being too hard on myself and learning to love myself and learning to let go of the hurt/anger of this previous relationship, something I had never let myself do before. Among many things, these themes were things I was processing. Well Sully and I talked for about 3 hours Thursday night, then Suzette and I talked for 3 hours Friday night. I decided to do this journal/scrapbook exercise taking all the pictures of me and my ex and scrapbooking them, then writing a letter in the blank spaces.

Easter Sunday I spent with Sully's family on the southside. It was wonderful to see his parents and sister (who's been like a little sister to me), and it was nice to see his aunt and grandma again. His cousin's 4-year old son Austin and I really hit it off too, which was fun (I love kids). It was amazing to see the look on Sully's face when he saw me with Austin... it looked like I just melted his heart, and he said "I didn't realize how good you were with kids!" It was nice to see that and have that. Anyway, after dinner Sully drove me home. I had decided I wanted to burn the scrapbook pages, and do it with him, so we did that together when we got home. I had also recorded myself reading the the letter part so I played it while we burned it. We talked for a little bit, kissed a little bit, and ended up acknowledging that we love each other and yes we want to work through the rest of life's challenges together.

We're both extremely happy right now. We've talked long-term (marriage, kids, money, careers) and we're looking forward to many road trips and adventures and dates and long conversations together!

Chi-town Dinners

I always wanted to be part of something like this. Chi-Town Dinners is a group of people who meet every other week at a different restaurant. There are probably like 40 people on the list, but every week is a different selection of 6-16 people! The premise behind forming the group was twofold -- one, to bring together multiple sets of friends for social networking; and two, to explore the MANY dining experiences Chicago has to offer!

It has been a really fun adventure, and it's a guarantee social event on the calendar every other week! People have been taking turns picking the place, and it's cool to see what new place people come up with. We've had Mexican, Italian, Indian, Thai, a neighborhood pub, and more. Eventually, obviously, we're going to have to start repeating types, but that's totally ok! The only requirements are the restaurant has to be CTA accessible (public transportation) since very few of us have cars and there has to be menu options under $10 since many of us are relatively "poor." Obviously not POOR if we're going out to dinner every other week, but relatively speaking we don't have loads of money to spend on dining out food.

The best part about it, besides the exploration, is the forming of new friendships. AND it's a totally neutral way to get to know new people, coworkers, or random people you've met at other events. Invite them to Chi-Town Dinners, and it's a totally fun experience and they can chat with you and with other people! No pressure to get along splendidly! It would actually be an ideal "early date" option, as it would be a group date versus a one-on-one date (which sometimes intimidates people). Plus you can learn a lot about a person in a social/group setting!

I love Chi-Town Dinners. As the group grows and changes, I hope we can keep this up!

The Power of Thank You's

Never underestimate the power of thank you's and kind words.

This is something I've learned throughout the course of my life, from my father and mother respectively hounding me to write thank you's to my relatives for Christmas or birthday gifts or checks (once I got older anyway) to the insistence by people in my profession that "Thank you's go a long way towards building positive donor relationships." I've learned it first-hand -- you would not believe how touched people are to get a hand-written thank you card, even if it's just a few sentences long saying "What you did meant a lot, it helped me do this, and for you I'm grateful." I will ALWAYS be a believer in thank yous, even if it's the most mundane thing ever or you have a few hundred of them to write!

Kind words go the same way. There's this book called "The Five Love Languages" and it talks about the five ways in which people feel loved and express love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, and Physical Touch. It's primarily meant as a book for couples (particularly married couples) but some of the concepts relate to all relationships. I've learned that I don't particularly need words of affirmation in my friendships and romantic relationships to know I'm loved and cared for -- with them, I often need quality time and thoughtful acts/gestures (combination gift/service). However, at work I desparately need words of affirmation. I'm not as confident in my abilities and I want to please people more, so their words of affirmation are a lot more important. People thanking me for helping with a project or telling me that I did a great job with some event or expressing their gratitude for how personable I am… those are the things I need to hear at work. People don’t nice things for me or giving me things isn’t as necessary, and HELLO we work together so “quality time” is not an issue. It’s the conversations and relationships built that way that mean the most. This is why I go out of my way to say thank you when someone helps me, to express gratitude over someone’s friendship, or to make conversation with those people who have done/said kind things to me. This is just one example of how easy it is to make things better through the simple act of acknowledging others through thanks, kindness, and conversation.

Prayer

From November 16th --

"Lord, help me not to be afraid, and help me to know your truth. Bless us and our friendship, and should you desire us to be together in a way stronger than friendship please guide our hearts and help us to go at it together, as partners. Help us to love each other or whomever you desire us to love. Help us to love you and desire to know you more as you bless our lives in rich and unending ways. Take care of our families and watch over our friends, and please bring to us to life and happiness together in you."

Amen.

Oh My Pete -- I'm Glad I'm Not a Teacher

Our K-2 English teacher is out of town today (for a court date) and tomorrow (for a wedding her husband is in this weekend). They couldn't find a substitute for today, so I (blindly) offered to give the teachers a 30 minute break so they could eat lunch. BAD IDEA. Well, not a bad idea in theory. The teachers deserve a break, and they need to eat lunch. However, the horror stories I've heard about these classes were nothing compared to actually being in there. Kindergarten at least was having naptime, so I only had to deal with a feq squirmy kids who were talking to themselves and moving around while the others tried to sleep. However, first and second grade were awful. The boys in both grades are extremely disrespectful -- they don't listen to authority. They don't respond to The Look, sending them to their seats, harsh tones of voice, or threats of being sent to the Principal or peer pressure to be better than the other grade. I don't have anything to bribe them with, and the way they were acting I wouldn't bribe them anyway (nor would they respond). Everything I've ever seen teachers do didn't work for me with these kids. It was horrible. There were three first grade boys that would not stop talking and would not stop making fun of a couple of the girls (one of whom starting kicking and hitting at one of the boys). The second grade boys were sneaking candy (I made them throw it away if I caught them) and were constantly moving and touching each other (and making inappropriate remarks and motions). I had heard from Erica what a handful they are, and how awful they were... I just hadn't quite witnessed it myself. The thing is, they usually behave for visitors reasonably well, but for me (maybe because they see me around and I don't act like a teacher/authority figure) they would NOT settle down. The second grade was so calm and quiet when I went in there, but then they all went crazy, and then when Veronica came back in it was quiet again. NUTS. I feel like I've been through a marathon.

As much as it was crazy and I was glad to get out of those classrooms, it was a nice break from sitting at my computer doing my usual work and thinking about things I can't control and things I have a tendency to overanalyze. One of the kindergarteners today looked so sad when she was lying on her mat trying to take a nap. It felt like she almost wanted to cry, and I totally understood. For some reason I feel like I'm not quite holding it together as much as I'd like or in the way I thought. I screwed up, but with God's grade I can move on. It's just very hard, and confusing. Oh well, I have to deal with it eventually.

My dear friend Karen wrote this wonderful email to me yesterday. I had to re-read it today because I didn't quite understand it the first time I read it (in passing) yesterday, but it had some great thoughts about love and relationships. She's right though, about there being no problem with being "tied down" because that means we have people we love in our life. There was more to it than that, but the gist was that being tied down does not always have to mean a negative thing, and there is not necessarily an age limit on knowing whether or not you've met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I am really looking forward to this long weekend. I don't care what I do, because I know I have a few things going on, like doing Senior Bingo with YPC on Saturday afternoon, going to the School Yard Saturday night with Marquette peeps, going to Our Lady of Mt. Carmel for the second week in a row for Mass, and sleeping in on Monday. Whatever else fills in the time, I'm excited for that too. Even if Sully and I end up doing something for his birthday Monday afternoon/evening.

I love you all, even though I doubt many people even read this. It's just nice to know the void is out there, "listening" to my ramblings. Pray for me, if you pray, and know I think of you often.

Defying Gravity

The following are lyrics from "Defying Gravity" a song from the musical Wicked. Sully and I saw this show this past Friday night as my birthday present from him. I cried three times during the show, and this was one of the songs I cried during. The other one was the song "For Good" which I've also included. It's amazing how the arts can really relate to your life at times -- that's what I love about live theater. Each day and week I am gaining more clarity and understanding. I feel like I am growing up so much in these months since moving to Chicago, but there are times I also feel still so young and naive. I hope someday the maturing I've done and the naivete I feel will balance each other out, and I'll be able to be that person I want and hope to be! Until then, I'm working on defying gravity ;)

DEFYING GRAVITY

Something has changed within me * Something is not the same * I'm through with playing by the rules * Of someone else's game * Too late for second-guessing * Too late to go back to sleep * It's time to trust my instincts * Close my eyes and leap * It's time to try * Defying gravity * I think I'll try * Defying gravity * And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits * 'Cuz someone says they're so * Some things I cannot change * But 'till I try, I'll never know * Too long I've been afraid of * Losing love - I guess I have lost * Well, if that's love * It comes at much too high a cost * I'd sooner buy * Defying gravity * Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity * And you can't pull me down

So if you care to find me * Look to the western sky * As someone told me lately * Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly * And if I'm flying solo * At least I'm flying free * To those who'd ground me * Take a message back from me * Tell them how I * Am defying gravity! * I'm flying high * Defying gravity!

FOR GOOD

I've heard it said * That people come into our lives for a reason * Bringing something we must learn * And we are led * To those who help us most to grow * If we let them * And we help them in return * Well, I don't know if I believe that's true * But I know I'm who I am today * Because I knew you

It well may be * That we will never meet again * In this lifetime * So let me say before we part * So much of me * Is made of what I learned from you * You'll be with me * Like a handprint on my heart * And now whatever way our stories end * I know you have re-written mine * By being my friend...

Who can say if I've been * Changed for the better? * I do believe I have been * Changed for the better * Because I knew you... * I have been changed for good.

Shift in the Wind

This weekend was wonderful. We had a great time hanging out, spending time with my family, my/our friends, and each other. I know it was hard, but for the most part it felt like we were still the same old Marquette buddies. That is, until Sunday night, when I could tell he was pulling back and he admitted it had been a tough weekend. For some reason, that and the fact that we were headed "back to reality" and the city where we dated & broke up made me get crazy sad. I cried in the bathroom (twice) and during a good portion of the flight back to Chicago (apparently he didn't notice, which is weird).

Sully is someone with whom I'm completely comfortable. I have never been more myself than I am with him, but I also feel like when I was with him as "his girlfriend" I wasn't the self I thought I was or wanted to be. I don't know how to make that make sense. It's like we are different people when we're city dwellers with real professional jobs versus who we were together as friends in college or friends going through volunteer experiences last year. It's not that I didn't like who I was when I was with him, but I didn't recognize the person I was changing into.

February 6, 2007
Now that we're just friends, I feel like I'm me again. They say that when you love someone, that person makes you want to be a better person and you feel like you are so much of who you are and could be when you are with him/her. I didn't quite feel that way with Sully. In fact, I didn't really feel that way at all.

It's all very disheartening. I want to love him and fall in love with him, because he's so much my match! He has really set the bar high -- whoever I end up with will be based on this relationship, because in Sully I found so much of what I want in a life partner. I just didn't have the warmth, the spark, the zing. I know sometimes that can develop, but there's got to at least be a glimmer before it can turn into a full-fledged fire. I thought there was a glimmer but there wasn't. I wish there was - Lord I wish there was. But God has not seen fit to put us together in that way, and I have to accept. More, SULLY has to accept that.

I think this may be harder and more awkward than he is ready or willing to admit. My birthday celebration was somewhat awkward, and now I'm nervous about going to see "Wicked" with him on Friday -- what a great birthday present, and I'm excited to see it with him, but every ounce of my being is back to the "Just Friends" and the "Close Prayer Partner/Marquette Buddy" part of our friendship/relationship, but I have to be even more careful about not leading him on in other ways. It's like I have to step WAY back in order for him to heal, which makes it harder for ME to heal. How am I supposed to be just his friend when I can't even act like the friend I want and need to be?

This is all rambling and ridiculous -- Just pray for us, because Lord knows we need it. I know we'll be fine, but it definitely is going to take some time.

This Sucks

Even though I know I did the right thing, it still sucks. It sucks because he is having a really hard time with it, and I don't know if he'll ever get over it. He was falling so hard for me, and as he said, "...this is a lot harder than I expected. When you are paranoid about something for 2.5 months and you finally get to the place where you let your guard down, it really sucks to have that paranoia come to fruition. This weekend will be hard as well, but it needs to happen...we both know that."

I'm so grateful he still wants to go this weekend... not only because of the financial reasons ($300+ for two tickets) which are small potatoes compared to the other more important reason of him and I needing to spend time together to reassure ourselves that the friendship is there and is intact and will *hopefully* remain intact.

I wish I loved him. You have no idea how badly I wish I loved him. He's the perfect boyfriend in every way, and in a lot of respects he would have (eventually) made an excellent spouse. But, there was no passion for him, and eventually that would have killed the relationship. As it is, I was realizing that now and that's why I ended it. I wish it didn't suck so much, for either of us, but it did. He thinks it'll take a month or two, but if Greg & I are any indication it could easily take a year or more. I just hope that even if it does take that long that Sully and I are still able to maintain our friendship. I would hate for either of us to lose a 2+ year friendship that has obviously meant so much to both of us because we tried dating and it didn't work out.

Ironically enough (God moment?), the book I'm reading had something to say that exactly encompasses what I'm feeling. I read this passage this morning and wanted to share. So, to quote Nicholas Sparks in "True Believers":

"...she wanted to meet the right guy first, someone who inspired her, the kind of guy she would be proud to call her man. This was where she and Doris differed. Doris seemed to think that a decent, moral man with a good job was all a woman should reasonably expect. And maybe in the past, those were all the qualities that someone could expect. But Lexie didn't want to settle for someone simply because he was kind and decent and had a good job. Who knows-- maybe she had unrealistic expectations, but Lexie wanted to feel passion for him as well. No matter how kind or responsible a man was, if she didn't feel any passion, she couldn't help but think that she'd be "settling" for someone, and she didn't want to settle. That wouldn't be fair to her and it wouldn't be fair to him. She wanted a man who was both sensitive and kind, but at the same time could sweep her off her feet. She wanted someone who would offer to rub her feet after a long day at the library, but also challenge her intellectually. Someone romantic, of course, the kind of guy who would buy her flowers for no reason at all.

It wasn't too much to ask, was it?

According to [magazines], it was. In those magazines, it seemed every article stated that it was completely up to the woman to keep the excitement alive in a relationship. But wasn't a relationship supposed to be just that? A relationship? Both partners doing everything they could to keep the other satisfied?"

It goes on, but the gist is passion (and mutual passion) is important. If he falls for me but I don't fall for him, both of us are going to be dissatisfied in the relationship. Sully is everything I want in a guy, except for the passion. And maybe the passion can grow, but I don't want to hurt him or be unfair to him by pretending to care for him that way when I just am not feeling it. And it is not his fault in the least -- he's romantic, sensitive, communicates well, is honest and hardworking, kind, etc. I just don't have the physical attraction and passion piece. Yes I think he's cute and attractive, but I've discovered I just don't think of him in that way. I haven't really been able to the whole time. At times I thought I did/could, but it didn't last. I always felt like a fraud. I just couldn't wrap my head around being a couple with him with other people -- by ourselves we were fine, but with friends it just never felt quite right. I hate that I felt that way, but I did. Mom asked me if it was because I was scared and I said, "Not this time." The first time around, yes I think I was scared. This time, we gave it a fair shake and it just wasn't working out for me. I know he loves me, and I hate hate hate that I had to break his heart especially because I know it will make it really awkward between us... I still don't regret dating him. Even if our friendship suffers, I don't regret dating him, because I know we were meant to. I hope and pray that our friendship withstands this test, because I value him and his friendship more than a lot of people's, and I know my friendship means a lot to him as well. I pray God guides our hearts towards healing and understanding. The fact that he's coming to MN and said what he said about coming to Minnesota (that we need it and we both know it) shows an incredible strength of character. I give him mad props for being willing to go through with it.

The rest of it, we'll just take one day and event at a time. Pray for us.

Time for a Fresh Start

Oh goodness, what a week. And it's only 11:15 on Tuesday morning!

Last night I broke up with Sully, again. Yes, again. You know, I tried and I really thought on some level I cared about him in that way, but I realized that I don't and it's been stressing me out trying to figure out whether to keep this up or not. Luckily he said he could kind of see it coming so he wasn't 100% surprised. That doesn't make it suck any less for him, since he had really developed some deep feelings for me. He's just not the right one for me. He's definitely the most compatible guy I've ever dated (and sadly my shortest relationship to date), but we're much better off being just friends. And we will be able to be just friends. We spent two years cultivating a really good lasting friendship, and I don't think either of us plans on letting go of that any time soon. But, as Sully said, "I will need a little time to get over my feelings, but look forward to getting to work on that this weekend in MN. It will take some time (one-two month range I suppose) to get things back to normal, but I assure you it will happen." I'm really glad he's so committed to maintaining the friendship and working our way back to normal. I think we both know this friendship is too important and too strong to let this relationship and break-up affect in for the long haul.

I know it was the right thing to do because I feel at peace with it. This morning I was fighting back tears and got freaked out thinking he wouldn't want to do any of the things we have planned for the next several weeks (our trip to MN this weekend, my birthday, the Marquette/DePaul game, his birthday, the Marquette/Pitt game, Katie Balek's wedding...) but I'm hoping (and I think, if I know him at all) that he'll realize it's important to do those things together still, because the more we act like we're still friends the better we'll be able to stay friends. If we avoid hanging out and talking to each other, that just makes it worse. Andrea's right though, I do have to set boundaries. I'm not really worried about Sully thinking there's still a chance. He knows I don't feel the same way towards him, and if he saw this coming then he knows. He knows and he'll gradually be able to accept and move on. I know there is someone out there for each of us, and I'm excited for us to share in each other's lives and happiness down the road (because believe me it's not going to happen any time soon).

He was a great boyfriend -- thoughtful, courteous, planner, romantic, liked surprising, was good at communication and compromise -- if I had even a slight spark or attraction or whatever, it'd be perfect. But the emotional piece is there just not the spark/chemistry. And the spark/chemistry is important. The lack of it was making me think the emotional part wasn't what it should be. I miss my old friendship with Sully. He thinks we're better now, and to some extent we are because we know each other better and have been able to support each other in more ongoing ways. However, I miss the part of our relationship where we met once a week and that was our special time, where we talked candidly about anything in our life during that time because there was a high level of trust and companionship and comfort. I miss being able to talk faith and service with him. I miss that I felt challenged and stimulated in our conversations and interactions -- I feel like I haven't had that with him in a while.

I'm looking forward to working our way back towards just a really good friendship. I have, however, really learned my lesson about dating someone I've been friends with that long. Unless I'm absolutely certain there's a spark of chemistry there, it's not a good idea. I have this sneaking suspicion G has a thing for me, and God I hope he doesn't ever try to pursue it. That's what I said when I first thought Sully might like me -- "God, I hope not!" It's just not a good idea. It's like with this job, when I got the job offer, I was like "Oh shit, NOW what do I do?!" If it doesn't hit me as right or something I'm really excited about or interested in, it probably isn't meant to be. However, I learned a lot dating Sully and I'm glad we did. Same with this job -- I'm learning a lot and (eventually) I'll be glad I took it. However, neither are lasting careers/relationships.

I'm glad about this break up too because I think I'm finally ready to explore Chicago and make it my own. I think dating Sully was keeping me from really branching out the way I feel I need and want to. I was spending a lot of time with him and in a lot of ways he was "the only good thing" in my life. So many of my friendships are changing because of marriages and moving and careers, but I don't have anything in Chicago to hang on to except those changing friendships. I need to make a life for myself, that INCLUDES my past but doesn't EXCLUDE a future (if that makes sense). I want GVV and Marquette to be part of my life in Chicago, but I don't want it to be ALL of my life. I'm ready to branch out and try some things. This is sort of how I felt sophomore year of college after that emotionally rocky and rough freshman year and summer. At least this time the emotionally rough aspects of life aren't quite as battering, brutal, painful, or scarring as freshman year's were. Thank the goooooood lord for that.

Anyway, it's time I finished this entry for now and stopped procrastinating my work. I've been doing random things as I write this, but it's time to really hunker down and be productive. I hope everyone has a good and happy Tuesday, and may God be part of your life today!

2007 -- A year of change

2007 is only 11 days old, and already there are major shifts occuring, esp. in the realm of friendships.

One old high school buddy apologized for his purposeful absence over the past couple years and stated a hope that we could be in touch and become friends again. To which I replied, "OF COURSE!"

Another high school buddy who I once thought would be my maid-of-honor emailed and asked me not to be in touch anymore, that I put guilt trips on her for not being in better touch with me. While that may or may not be true, the fact is that she never emails or calls, and when I let her know I'm going to be in town for a week or a month and she makes no effort to hang out or even call to say she can't hang out or call just to say hi, that tells me that our friendship isn't important to her. Oh well, at least she was able to air her feelings and I was able to air mine, and we can just let it go. But it is sad nonetheless. (The best part is these two emails occured within 3-4 days of each other).

My GVV housemates are all doing their own thing -- I haven't talked to Suzette since before Christmas, and I'm not sure when I'll see her or Christy next. Clare and I have chatted a few times, and I will hopefully get to see her when she comes up to Chicago in a week. Erica and I will hopefully chat this weekend. Annie and Nelson are, well, Annie and Nelson. Nelson did stop by the GVV house when I was down there in December, but sadly our paths didn't cross. It meant a lot that he tried though! I still talk to various STL people off and on -- Jim & Geri sometimes, Eric, Betsy, Maureen, Ali, Monica, Sr. Jackie -- even got an email from Bro. Dave Berning this week! It's just interesting that something that was so intensely part of my life last year has become a more passive part of my life.

My college friends are continually becoming a larger and larger part of my life. Things are settling down now after the holidays and wedding #2, and the next wedding I have isn't until March. I will be able to spend more time with Steph and Brian, Dan and Mal, and Katie Rock once everyone gets back into town. Sully and I are doing fantastically well, and I have been able to meet some of his friends and spend some time with his sister/parents/family. We enjoy doing things together and his planning nature means we actually get to DO things as well as just be spontaneous and say "We're hanging out this night, what do we want to do?"

Work is work -- I had a mini break-down last week but this week is going better. Today is a big day, though, and if tonight doesn't go well I will have to search serious personal resevoirs to not get discouraged or overwhelmed. I am worried about sponsorships for Adelante, and I'm worried about recruitment. Tonight is a meeting for parents and staff to discuss recruiting ideas and how people can get involved. I hope that people come, and that I have someone who can help translate b/w Spanish and English, and that we get a good volunteer base. If not, I will at least feel like I tried and can attempt to do the things I want to do, just by myself. At least I will feel like I asked, right? And I will keep asking. I keep remembering the rule -- you'll get the highest response (on average) to any solicitation after the third try.

Well, that's enough reflection on 2007 and today. It's time to get to work. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

"Thanks for being you!"

That's always an awesome sentiment to hear, especially from one's boyfriend.

Of course, it's also nice when it comes from a long-lost friend who admits to being a jerk and overreacting and shutting you out for no real valid reason.

Both of those happened this week, which has really helped put my mind in good spirits.

Can I just say how awesome it is that I have a boyfriend who I can talk to and tell just about ANYTHING to? We had a serious discussion about alcohol use this weekend and it could have taken an ugly personal vendetta-type turn, but it didn't. It was a really sweet moment just curled up watching some random movie with him rubbing my back and us talking about the wedding reception we had just returned from, my discomfort of our dear friend Mike's drinking/behavior, and how we both have very different backgrounds/ideas about drinking. The thing with us, is we can talk openly with each other and not feel like we're being attacked. He very astutely said that he felt he was being yelled at for Mike's behavior, and although that's true to some extent, I also felt that I had some valid concerns about drinking behaviors/habits in general. We were just trying to understand each other, and it was wonderful to be able to do that without pressure or negativity. Neither of us wants to hurt the other or the relationship, so we're going to be honest and communicate but we'll also not just ignore things.

He's so damn cute. He sends the sweetest emails every day, and he even called me at 3am this morning because he fell asleep before we had a chance to talk last night and we make it a point to talk every day. I must have subconsciously known it was him because I didn't even bat an eye when I felt my phone vibrate and glanced at the clock. I just assumed it was him, and I was able to say hi and good night. He also is going to extremes to plan my birthday which is a really nice change from feeling like no one cares about or has time for my birthday (I personally believe people are allowed to be selfish one day out of the year -- their birthdays). We both want to meet each other's family and friends, and we're both trying to respect alone time, friends time, and each other time. Overall, this is a really healthy relationship.

Our good friends Dan and Mal got married this past weekend. That marks wedding #2, but definitely the more fun of the two weddings I've been two in the past two months. Not that Steph and Brian's wasn't fun but I was exhausted (physically and emotionally) and I just couldn't enjoy it the same way I did Dan & Mal's. Plus I've known Dan and Mal a lot longer than Steph & Brian, and at least know them as a couple better than I know Steph & Brian as a couple. It was awesome to see Dan and Mal finally commit to each other after 5 years together. They will make a wonderful couple and family.

This weekend was also wonderful because Sunday evening a good friend from high school who had estranged himself from me over the past year and a half finally came to his senses and emailed an apology to me. The past is in the past, and I am so happy that he emailed. I hope he and I are able to talk soon because I very much miss his friendship and would like to be part of his and his fiancee's life again. Prayer really does work sometimes, even when it seems to take an awfully long time!

One final bit of fun news, or at least something to make you (or me) laugh. Last year at this time I was about to embark on the January retreat with my housemates followed by an overnight excursion with Pat & Bro. Dave to type up the Christmas Program Binder. During that overnight excursion was the "24" premiere. And the best part? I got Bro. Dave hooked at "24" as much as he HATED to admit it! It was awesome. So this weekend I get an email from him saying, "Do you know what's happening next Sunday and Monday night? Maybe if you don't have cable TV you can get your special friend to watch it with you at his place. Maybe you can corrupt him like you did me." Haha, the thing is, Sully already likes "24", but it was quite entertaining anyway. At least for me. You sort of have to know Bro. Dave to fully appreciate this "24" addiction.

Have to go back to work -- Have a great day!

PS: My uncle donated $200 to the school I work at -- how unexpectedly awesome and generous family can be sometimes!

Love y'all.

Feliz Navidad -- How do you measure a year?

One week until Christmas, and I can hardly believe it! I came to the realization today, as I brought my first gift of the season to school for tonight's White Elephant Exchange in Wilmette, that although not having Secret Santas saves me money it also hinders my ability to get into the spirit of the season sooner! Isn't that crazy? Last year I had THREE secret santas -- one with my housemates, one with the whole Vincentian community, and one at Cabrini. Plus I had Christmas Program week, where I was in the spirit the entire week, AND my Cabrini kids were always doing Christmas-related art projects AND we had Advent reflections every morning. None of that has happened this year, so it's one week before Christmas and I feel like I haven't celebrated or reflected on either Adevent OR Christmas. That is entirely depressing. No wonder it feels so surreal. I miss having people to buy silly little secret gifts for!!

At least most of my Christmas cards are written -- I almost thought I wasn't going to be motivated or have enough time to do that, but I made it happen. I still have to finish a stack tomorrow and/or Sunday and/or late Tuesday night (the only day next week I don't have something the ENTIRE evening). This is the first year I have so many "parties" and stuff -- last night was the Marquette Alumni Christmas party, tonight is Sully's work Christmas party, Monday is the YNPN Holiday Social, Wednesday Sully & I are celebrating Christmas downtown, Thursday we're taking his sister out for her 21st birthday, and then I fly home for the REAL Christmas! It's absolutely insane.

I also wish I could have gone caroling like we did last year -- That community event with Franciscan Connection was awesome and also helped put us all in the Christmas spirit. I did at least get to SEE carolers this year! A group came into Caribou Coffee when I was there with Christy the other night -- very cool, and a good way to end the evening. Of course, the kids singing Feliz Navidad this morning was also super cute and helped put me in the Christmas spirit -- there is nothing like KIDS getting excited about Christmas to get the rest of us in the spirit too.

Of course, the holidays always bring about time of reflection on the previous year. I did a lot of that at Thanksgiving, but this is also a good time to take stock and "measure" my year. Friendships have shifted and changed, some in good ways and some in sad ways. Several people in my life are now engaged, and that's an exciting but definitely challenging life shift. I finished a year of amazing service changed in heart and spirit and direction. I am currently working in a job that I have grown to like and think I am on the path of succeeding in. There are still challenges and much growth to occur there. I moved from St. Louis to Minnesota to Chicago, and have started my "real adult life" which couldn't make me happier! I am in a strong and healthy relationship with a guy who makes me smile as well as makes me think. I'm financially self-sufficient, and that means so much to me. I have dreams, goals, friends, direction, and successes. Things are not perfect, but what I have is good. I am happy and I am blessed. Even in the moments of frustration and anger, I have to remember that.

I pray that the new year continues to bring growth and blessings, to me, you and all of our families and friends. I enjoy writing to this great void of people I don't know, and I hope I continue to be able to do so without too much drama. Have a wonderful Christmas and a joyful new year!!

"Sometimes a bit of confusion is a good thing!"

For the record, I'm not exactly confused anymore. Well, not really anyway. However, I know that I am confusING, especially to a certain member of the male species. And he has every right to be confused -- I "broke up" with him, but in the past week (starting three days after I broke up with him) we've talked every day (like normal), went on a random road trip to Milwaukee for Tuesday Night Mass, and had a great weekend of spontaneous adventures this weekend.

The thing is, I know I care about him, but I don't think I was ready for the way he cared about me or the way I might care about him. I need this to be light, no pressure, no intensity. That may not be fair to him, but I'm sick of emotionally intense relationships where I get so caught up in the intensity and emotion that I squeeze it to death, plan to death, analyze too much, and basically it just falls to pieces.

This feels like when I started dating my first boyfriend -- we hung out as friends, with those "potential feelings" simmering just below the surface, and then after our first kiss (nearly 2 months after our first "date" and two weeks after our more official yet still unofficial "first date") we said we were dating but still didn't necessarily refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend for a little bit.

The difference is, the way I care about Sully is a way I have never cared about anyone else before in my life. I know that sounds crazy and if that's the case, why don't I want to just go ahead and "officially" date him or jump into a relationship? I think it's because I'm scared. I am scared to care like that, and after all my previous relationships since John have been too emotionally intense, too physical, and have ended in friendships either being drastically changed or lost, I am scared to get involved in that with Sully.

I ask myself, "Am I even attracted to him? Why is it I think I care about him like I do?" The answers are this: Attraction comes in different forms. Up until this weekend I couldn't say that yes his looks are what initially attracted me, but the more I get to know him personally the more it enhances his physical "attractiveness" -- I got philosophical with myself this weekend... "What is attraction or attractiveness anyway?" I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, the old cliche is true -- "What makes a person attractive is who they are inside." And Sully is very attractive from the inside out -- I don't know how I never noticed it before.

I am so excited to continue whatever it is that's going on between us -- I'm just glad it's low-key and we aren't being overanalytical or intense about. We are simply enjoying each other's company and conversation, and we are having our Chicago adventures, and someday maybe we'll kiss again and start on the road to a relationship. But right now, we're just good friends hanging out, the possibility of more simmering just below the surface, and confusion not being a bad thing at all.

I love random road trips!

I'm so excited -- I'm going to Milwaukee tonight!

What better way for two friends who met as fellow Retreat Leaders, were prayer partners, and spent nearly every Tuesday of their senior year of college meeting up and talking before celebrating Tuesday night Mass with friends to reconnect and enjoy each other's company after a major shift in their friendship/relationship than to head back up to that city, that college, that Tuesday night tradition?

Yep, me and Sully are road tripping to Milwaukee for Tuesday Night Mass and Joan of Arc. We'll have the whole 3 hour car ride (1.5 hours there and 1.5 hours back) to talk and do our usual catch-up conversation, and then we'll get to celebrate our favorite Mass of all time.

I cannot wait -- I'm so excited. I love spontaneous adventures!

I'm going to Milwaukee tonight! :)

Changes

Have you ever had one of those weeks/weekends where you felt like you couldn't do anything right?

Well, I don't feel quite THAT distraught, but I will say that this past weekend pretty much sucked. After I broke up with Sully Thursday, I called Dan bawling my eyes out. It's nice to know that even my engaged friends can be supportive -- especially for a guy! :)

Friday I was pretty much in the same fog I had been in all day Thursday, but luckily I didn't have to work at the school. I attended a conference at Loyola University about fundraising instead. It was very informative, but I didn't network the way I probably should have. Oh well, I did my best.

Of course, when I left, it was raining, and by the time I got home it was raining harder. I quickly changed and grabbed a snack, then went to meet Clare & Christy. My umbrella broke and I was SOAKED by the time I saw them. Clare seemed only sort of happy to see me, and things with Christy were the usual superficial pleasantries. Clare & I met up with Nicole, and we headed to Tinley Park. We met up with her friend Beth & went to a movie ("Stranger than Fiction" -- great movie!). I was abnormally quiet and subdued, but I'd had a rough emotional week so far, and I wasn't quite recovered.

Saturday was the day-long retreat through Charis Ministries (young adult retreat ministry group through the Chicago Province of the Jesuits). It was exactly what I needed, minus the fact that it was me/Nicole "versus" Suzette, Christy & Clare. Clare was much more excited to see Suzette (whom she had just seen last week) than she was to see me (whom she hadn't seen since June). I cared, but I knew they were not able to understand or be supportive of my mood -- hell, Suzette hadn't called or emailed in 3 weeks and the email communication we DID have this week was short and snippy. They can have each other for all I care -- at least Nicole was aware and supportive. We didn't even have to talk about it -- she just knew and understood and offered comfort just by being there. Saturday night my phone continued to be stupid and I had to find Erica -- she hung out with me watching movies at my apartment when I know she probably would have rather been with Clare & Suz, but I thought they were all going out and was NOT in the mood. Apparently Clare & Suz stayed in but felt like they weren't welcomed/invited to my place so they didn't call. What a load of crap. I mean, I'm sure they felt that way and I'm sure that to some extent I sent off that vibe -- but did it occur to them to ASK me what was wrong? Did it occur to them that maybe something was going on and that's why I was in that mood? Did it occur to them that trying to coordinate schedules for two sets of friends and a retreat all in one weekend was hard and should NOT have been left totally up to me? Nope, none of that occured to them, and I end up looking like the bad guy.

Needless to say, I've cried a lot in the past 5 days. I got to school this morning and the big project I did last week was a mess -- there were huge translation issues and everyone sort of got a talking to about making sure that translations were accurate and done in a timely manner. Surprisingly, that didn't set me off (but it came close). However, even though things are getting better and I know that things are always rough the first year on a job, I am just not happy here and I am seriously considering looking for a new job come spring. We'll see how things continue to go, but I need a work environment that fits my personality and best utilizes/emphasizes my gifts and talents.

Things with Sully will be ok. Things with the GVVA girls? Who the hell knows -- and quite frankly, at this point I don't care. It's like Nicole & Patricia & Karen were freshman year -- they could only be so supportive and after that there was a superficial wall. Over the years, it developed so we could all support everything about each other and be there for each other. Perhaps someday Suz & Clare & Erica and I will reach that same level of being able to support no matter what and to understand/comfort even when it's too much drama. Until that happens, I'll just let them be and do their own thing, and I will be and do mine.

Back to work.

too many emotions

One thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. It has served us well as prayer partners, friends, and now potentially "more." Except that I'm not sure I can visualize or feel the "more" and that's what's so sad about the whole thing. I want to, I think, but right now I just don't feel it. And in the midst of that I get hit today with, "Oh my god, Stephanie got married." I just want to burst into tears. I think I have a lot of emotions still riding up inside me and I don't really have an outlet for it. It's also blocking out anything else I can or want to or was able to feel. Shit, Stephie's married! She is no longer just my best friend -- now she's Brian's wife. Wife takes on new meaning and status and power than "girlfriend" or even "fiancee." Now that they are joined, legally and spiritually and emotionally and physically, in that way, it's a whole new ballgame. And I'm scared of losing my Stephie. At the same time, I am trying to visualize this friendship with Sully becoming a romantic relationship. He obviously cares about me, and I'm not sure I care about him in that way. I opened my heart to it and thought there was a possibility for it to go that way, but so far it hasn't. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I'm just not sure how I feel about any of it! I can easily see myself single again, and when I ask myself whether I can see Sully and me as more than friends, my automatic reaction is no and if I ask myself if Sully and I can be just friends my automatic reaction is yes. But am I ready to give up trying to see if something else is there? I just don't want to hurt him, and I'm afraid that if I continue to "date" him knowing that I don't yet have strong feelings for him that it's going to hurt him worse in the long run.

At least I could tell him I wasn't sure how I was feeling. Like I said, one thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. I told him last night I was having a hard time seeing him as more than a friend and I wasn't sure if I would be able to. I told him I didn't want to hurt him, that was the last thing I wanted to do, and that's why I told him. He seemed to take it ok, and in this morning's email he said that although he was taken aback and it wasn't the easiest thing to hear he did appreciate my candor. No matter what, we will always care about each other as friends. Sully would like to (or does) care about me as more, and although I'm leaning away from the "more" towards the "just friends" I haven't completely decided yet. I really need God's help and guidance in this. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anyone's friendship.

I hope that even if we are just friends we can still hang out and talk like usual. He'll still come with to Dan & Mal's wedding (I hope), and hopefully we can still hang out with his sister when she comes home for Christmas break. I really need your help here God. Tell me what to do, show me what's true and right.

I need good solid manual labor -- I'm going to help clean out the library today.

Completely Distracted :)

Since this is my blog, and very few people know it exists, I can be perfectly bluntly amazingly honest here without being a big gossip.

I am completely distracted today. I have several projects I could/should be working on -- completing 50 scholarship applications that are due tomorrow, beginning to plan my recruitment open house for 11/13, finishing the recruitment packets, getting organized for the Adelante meeting next Monday, etc. However, I can't seem to concentrate, and there are two strong reasons why.

1) Sully and I are dating. Yes, I know it's absolutely insane and crazy to think of me and SULLY together, but that's the way it is! He's amazing, and I'm really enjoying this new aspect to our friendship. He's such an awesome friend -- we've always been able to talk about anything & everything together, from faith to politics to sports to service to books to plays to movies to community living to friends to family to anything & everything under the sun. We've always shared everything with each other with a complete and total naturalness that I've never had with anyone else. I think there was always a physical attraction but I don't think either of us really noticed it until just recently, and when he started thinking of me as more than a friend I could sense it and had to try to wrap my head around it. Luckily, the day I made that deal with God and tucked away/closed the door on one thing is the day I decided to open my heart up to Sully and whatever God had planned for us. And here we are, 11 days later, dating and thoroughly enjoying each other. :) Movies, kisses, dancing on Saturday at the wedding, watching sports, going to bars... we love doing everything together. He's definitely the least complicated, least drama-oriented guy I've ever dated. What a refreshing thing that is! I am so happy with him right now, and I still don't think it's quite hit me that I'm dating SULLY. Sully!! Good grief. :) But I love it.

2) Steph and Brian are getting married on Saturday. OH MY LORD. I can't believe they're getting married on Saturday. I helped with the "Big Move" this past weekend, and that got me super excited for them. I'm also crazy nervous, for them and for me (speech, dressing up nice, being in the spotlight next to Steph on Saturday)... I am going up to Milwaukee tomorrow night for the 4 day affair, and I just can't seem to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do before I leave. Which is bad -- I really need to concentrate on my duties this week! But golly, Stephy's getting married... I love her to death, and I can't believe and can't wait for this weekend to happen! She and Brian will be so happy together, I know this. It's just that big huge adult step, and although I know they're ready for it, I can't even fathom being ready for that kind of committment just yet. I'm still getting used to dating someone seriously again!! But the butterflies and distractions are there, and I'm trying to put them out of my mind so I can do what I need to do before I leave tomorrow.

That's the update -- happiness is contagious and I hope mine spreads to you!

Love & Hugs -- Bri

I love being happy!

I am in one of those rare "everything's awesome and I can't stop smiling" moods, and despite having the sniffles and a few oddities at work, I am just about the happiest I've been in a while! As Kate would say, "the major updates":

1) I have furniture! Last weekend (10/14) my family drove down with a truck o'stuff from Minnesota and three of my favorite boys (Brian, Dan & Sully) helped unload and get my apartment all set up. I'm way excited to have furniture and lights and a desk and a tv/dvd player and all my stuff! I even have my scrapbooks and scrapbooking materials here, but I haven't had time to sit down and do any of it just yet. Someday I will :) I've been too busy doing other things...

2) "Lost" Wednesdays! Man, what an awesome tradition. I meet up with Suzette for dinner somewhere downtown, then we head over to K.Rock's apartment for Lost & Project Runway (Well, now that PR is done, I don't know what we'll watch, but we'll still be watching Lost!) Sully joined us last week, and sometimes Kellie & Kristin (new friend) will join us. I love it. :)

3) Grey's Anatomy Thursdays. There is this awesome bar in Wrigleyville called Take 5 that does this Grey's Anatomy Thursday night thing -- Grey Goose drink specials ($7 martinis!) and Grey's Anatomy on ALL the tvs in the bar. It's a great sports bar feel, and would be an awesome place to watch a Bears or Cubs/Sox game. But the whole place shuts up for the show and they do trivia during commercial breaks. Afterwards they have 80s/90s music videos. haha, how awesome is that?!

4) I'm hosting a psuedo-Halloween party on Friday night. Actually it's more of a pre-housewarming party (my real housewarming party will be in December, just in time for Christmas!) I'm excited to have people over to my place and to be social and Ms. Hostess like I haven't been able to be in a super crazy long time. I love playing hostess, I do. This is why I love planning special events. I often wish my job was just special events because I feel like I can't throw myself into the event as wholly as I'd like because I have a lot of other demands on my time. Oh well, I'm doing the best I can. :)

5) I finally got my priorities and expectations and goals into a tangible grid. I showed it to Fr. Tim, who I think appreciated it, but during the meeting all he said was "No place for grants" and "where's recruitment" (it was the first fricking column) and went into his "enrollment is our biggest threat" spiel. Yes, I know. This is why it's not only a) the first column, but b) why I went out to distribute fliers last Thursday with Vida, and c) why I have been wanting your help all this time! DUH! But that's ok, because he redeemed himself in saying that I should come to the School Board meeting and talk to the parents about forming a recruitment committee. Well geez already, couldn't you have thought of this a MONTH ago?! What do you think I've been saying this whole time about doing it all myself?! ::shakes head:: It's ok though, because that grid makes me feel really organized and have a real clear idea of what I'm supposed to be doing with my time these days, each month.

6) Stephanie Ann is getting married next week. I can't hardly believe it!?! It's absolutely crazy. It feels like just yesterday she was calling to tell me she and Brian had gotten engaged, and now it's finally here. Like everything else in our life/friendship together, this has a been a journey and I couldn't imagine not doing it together. I hope she's able to continue being part of all MY journies over the years, just as I can't wait to be part of her continued Married-Life Journey! :) I walked down the aisle at St. Procopius last week to practice, and oh man did my knees/legs shake the whole time! I just kept picturing my beautiful Stephie waiting behind me to walk down to her husband-to-be. I couldn't stop smiling and I just about burst into tears. I love her dearly and I wish her the best happiness. I can't wait til all my friends (and I) are all married and can share in each other's joys so strongly. I will have to wait a while, but I'm still excited for it. Got Dan & Mal's wedding invitation, and filled out the info and mailed it back in already. I just can't believe it. Next will be Greg & Rachel, unless I go to Erin & Zach's wedding or Katie & Steve's wedding (Both on St. Patrick's Day, can you believe that). All these weddings... some days I'm annoyed by it, but right now I'm kind of ok with the lovey-dovey thing. :)

7) Does Bri have a love interest? Or at least a like interest? You bet. And you're all thinking it's the coworker, but it's not. Adam and I, I think, have come to an understanding but we're too busy to even formulate a real strong decent friendship at this point much less anything else. I have a 3-year deal with God, but I packed that away in my locked box. So now I'm open to whatever, and it looks like whatever was waiting for me to be in Chicago and then the door sort of opened on its own. We'll see what happens -- I'll keep you posted. :)

8) I can't wait for the holidays. I'm going home for Thanksgiving & Christmas, and I'm ecstatic for both! I love going to MN for the holidays, and I love the family love and traditions. I do want to explore all that Chicago has to offer for Christmas traditions, but that will happen in its own time. :) Hopefully this year, and hopefully with friends, and perhaps a specific friend. Until then, I'll keep my mind occupied with thoughts of snow, presents, cozy fires, "White Christmas" play on Dec. 23rd with my family, christmas songs, lights, decorations, etc... Can't wait can't wait can't wait!

9) Potential St. Louis visit... December here I come!! I love STL, and everyone keeps getting on me to come visit, so by golly I think it's about time I try to come visit! The potential plans are to go down on Thursday night 12/7, go to school on 12/8 and help with Drop-Off Sunday on 12/10. I think. It's on the DL, all hypothetical, but I'm so excited about the possibility! Oh the possibilities... That's my personal motto/theme right now. :)

10) And finally, I saved a puppy yesterday. It came tearing out of this house yesterday while I was walking to the bus stop after work. It stopped behind a car, who was parked on the street waiting to pull out of his parking spot. I'm not sure if he saw the puppy or not, but once he caught the break in traffic I knew he'd try to leave. So I motioned for him to wait, then sqautted down to try and coax the puppy out from behind the car, where he was barking at who knows what in the street. She turned and looked at me, and I kept saying, "come here pup, come on, come on pup" and finally her little paws came up on the sidewalk and just like that she ran back up her steps. The guy in the car smiled at me and I walked away, knowing I had saved a puppy. A super cute adorable lovable "I want to take her home with me" kind of puppy. And I'm the cat-owner :)

Ok, time to go channel this good mood and all this energy! Take Care and know I love you all!

Bri :)

Nothing Productive

This has been the week of Non-Productivity! And not on purpose either!

Tuesday was our big media day/event, so that was exhausting and caused me to be super busy all day Monday. Wednesday I had a workshop all day and the first day of "tutoring" in the afternoon. Today was Picture Day/Vision Testing/Library Cleaning Day -- and throughout this entire week I've had to meet with parents about filling out scholarship forms! I'm ready for it to be Friday, but alas I have one more day to get through after today.

So what am I doing on Blogger if I'm in so desparate need to be productive! I think it's because my mind is going in a million different places and my fingers need to exert the same amount of energy that my mind is by typing as fast as they can while my thoughts spill from my brain. That happens a lot anyway and is not always a bad thing.

It's been an interesting week personally... some old habits that I hate have peeked out, and have not fully exposed themselves but even the short glimpses I've seen I don't like. Why can't I ever STOP being the way that I am sometimes? Most of the time, being me is great. But we all have habits -- ways of interacting with people, ways of reacting to people/things, ways of handling situations, ways of talking/speaking/writing/etc., that we just don't like and we know that we're not good people or at least not the best people when we do those things but we just can't seem to help it on some level. At least I feel like I've been able to curb it somewhat, and it's definitely been better in this sitaution than in other situations in the past. Perhaps that's a benefit of working together every day, sort of. Anyway, I really need to get out and meet some new people and start forming some other friendships. I don't know what it's so hard for me -- supposedly I'm this extroverted person, but you put me in a room with all strangers and I will be the shy girl in the back who barely talks to anyone or who waits for someone to come to her or makes small talk with a few people and not the whole room. It's got to be somewhat of a confidence issue, which I guess bothers me too. I have come such a long way in my levels of self-confidence and self-esteem, and I think that's what bothers me about this recruitment thing and about going to social events by myself. It's like I'm confident in myself, except in certain situations. And yes we all have healthy (and sometimes not so healthy) levels of fear and uncomfortable feelings, but I personally hate being vulnerable like that. Especially because I feel like it's not attractive, and THAT drives me nuts.

Anyway, that's enough of my ranting and rambling for now. I've been singing Godspell and Rent in my head all week, and quite frankly today I had a mad love-affair with the Kindergarten & 1st grades that brought me back to last year... I miss those kids, man, and my 8th graders. Haha, by the way, I totally told off the 7th grade on Tuesday. Ask me someday, and I'll tell you the story. My proudest "Teacher" moments last year and this year have come with my two oldest classes (8th grade at Cabrini and 7th grade here). Fr. Tim says I have a second calling as a teacher -- I say no way in hell, I could never deal with the paperwork or the amount of work they do at home or having to be "on" constantly. I'll leave that to people who are actually passionate about teaching. I'll stick with my fundraising and dealing with kids on a more parttime basis. :)

Mixing Business with Pleasure

I've always heard that mixing business and pleasure is a tricky business. I've found that to be incredibly true lately. I have found a really good new friend in our assistant principal, but he's sort of a "boss" to me and our coworker relationship is a lot more aloof, formal, and "strict" than our personal friendship is becoming. We have a great time outside of school -- hanging out, talking, sharing stories, relaxing, etc. We share a lot of the same interests and can talk for hours. However, it's hard to put that aside in a work-setting. I'm not used to working with someone I feel that personally connected with, especially someone who could potentially become a really great friend. All my other jobs, ever, have had me working with people in either a tolerant relationship (we work together and tolerate each other and that's that) or we've had a great time but didn't really extend the socializing past work or work-related activities. The only time that has not been the case was with Mike & Amy, and that situation was unique and very drama-filled (I'm not even going to go there). This is the first normal and real friendship I've found in Chicago, and it happens to be with a coworker that yes I find I feel an attraction towards. That doesn't help matters, but the potential for friendship closeness is there anyway (and actually makes the attraction part more difficult to ignore).

He said I don't have enough confidence in my abilities, and in a lot of ways he's right. I was very confident in myself and my abilities when I was job hunting, but now that I have a job it's like I'm totally insecure. I think I'm just not comfortable in this environment and that makes it difficult for me to be comfortable and confident in my job. I think the language barrier is a huge issue, and I think the tasks that I'm required to do are so broad and overwhelming that I can only do so much and feel like I'm slacking when I don't get to everything! Fr. Tim wants me to do this recruiting push, and I appreciate AND understand the need for it but that's a full-time job and if I take a month to dedicate to that, then the development/marketing efforts will fall by the wayside (just like me focusing on the development/marketing efforts means the recruiting will fall by the wayside). I feel that in the desire to do marketing, development AND recruiting I am failing to meet expectations for all three. I really want to get parents involved in the recruiting part of things, because they are our best advocates, but that requires organization too. I would much rather do that than feel like I have to do this recruiting thing all by myself. I'm getting a committee to help with my fundraiser, why can't I have a recruiting committee? It's very stressful trying to balance all of this, AND move into my apartment, AND help with all the last minute support/details of Steph's wedding (did I MENTION that Holy Hill said all the girls have to wear straps on our dresses? Fine for the bridesmaids, because ours are strapless/strap convertible, but Steph's was made strapless... she really doesn't want to wear a shawl, so she has to figure out to get straps into her already gorgeous wedding dress... GEEZ. And they couldn't have told us this 8 months ago?!) Anyway, I do thrive under pressure, but this time the emotional impact stems from a deeper feeling of dissatisfaction and like I'm not living up to my potential. I purposely hold myself back because I don't want to burn out, but that means I don't fully immerse myself heart and soul into things, which is where the greatest achievements happen. The only times I have really full given of myself 100% to a "job" were at Cabrini (from the little kids up to the 8th grade musical), Frosh 2-Day retreat, and the week of Christmas Program. Isn't that amazing and sad? Those were the most fulfilling moments of my life, and it's because I truly immersed myself in the mission and purpose and let myself love and be filled with compassion during those times. Why can't I let myself do it anywhere else, esp. in my daily life and in my career? Perhaps it's because I know this isn't my career goal in life... I feel so at home when I think about getting that Masters in Spirituality, but I know I'm not going to do that right now... I need to get through at least one year of work. And of course part of me wonders what will happen with whatever friendships I form here at Procopius if/when I leave in a year or two...

Anyway, I could ramble for a while, but I really need to eat lunch before my 3rd meeting of the day starts in 10 minutes. Pray for me, and know that I am with you always.

Love,
Bri

Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone

It is one of the hardest things to do. There's something you are incredibly uncomfortable with, something you really dislike doing, and it becomes something you are required to do. Not only that, but it's something that someone will definitely be checking up on you to make sure you've done it. Everyone's got something like that in their lives. For me, it's the "recruiting" aspect of my "Director of Development & Student Recruitment" job here at St. Procopius School.

I don't know why I'm so anti-recruiting. I think part of it is I hate cold calling. I could call Marquette alumni, no problem, because they already had a vested interest in the school (even if they chose not to recognize that). They'd gone to Marquette, they'd lived there, attended class, been involved in things. They knew the streets and the dorms and the academic buildings. They knew the traditions and the circumstances behind the great university. Even if they chose not to make financial contributions over the years for whatever reason, and even if they had negative views of the "Catholic nature" of the school or "political climate" Marquette creates, that doesn't matter because they're still alumni and they're still part of the Marquette family. When it comes to trying to bring new students into this elementary school, it's a lot harder. I have to go to day cares, real estate agents, churches, and libraries in neighborhoods I don't know, praying I don't get lost (not to mention the transportation difficulties -- either driving an unfamiliar car on unfamiliar streets, or taking a bus or taxi or "L" everywhere). I have to go *hoping* that I don't run into an all-Spanish environment (because I don't speak a lick of the language). I have to go hoping that they'll put out my fliers and even if they do, hoping that those fliers actually do some good.

I know I know, pessimism gets you nowhere. I have always been the optimistic person, and I've always been the "go get 'em" girl. But for some reason, I have this MAJOR insecurity and fear of this aspect of my job. If I had someone, ANYONE, to go do this with me, I'd feel a lot happier and more comfortable. At this point, I am just extremely skittish about the whole thing. It's not good. It's very much stressing me out. I guess I just don't know that it'll do any good, handing out all these fliers. But, we'll see right? I mean, there's no harm in trying. I just have to keep telling myself that because I'm a little passive aggressive & totally procrastinating and putting the whole thing off. Come on God, continue kicking me in the butt, it's ok. :)

DA BEARS!

This was double-posted for a while and the only way to get rid of the duplicate was to repost it... originally it was from Friday Septmber 15, 2006:

I FINALLY GET TO GO TO A BEARS GAME WITH RYAN! :D

Do you know how excited I am about that? I finally live in this city, and he finally invites me to a game other than "the Sunday after Thanksgiving" (which is when he usually asks me to go). PLUS, this is the Bears home opener for this season, so there will be a ton of people there, and it's not too cold out yet, and I'm so excited! Ryan is the one who got me into watching football on a regular basis, and he's the reason I'm a Bears fan in the first place. So, it's fitting that the last thing we get to do together before he moves to Pennsylvania is to enjoy a live Bears game together. Dude, this is my first live NFL experience! I am so excited! My "oh-so-boring" weekend just got a helluva lot more exciting! :)

Maybe I WILL go shopping tonight. :)

Cabrini Withdrawal

GEEZ do I miss my kiddos and friends from Cabrini Academy in St. Louis! I got their first ever newsletter, the Cabrini Courier, in the mail this morning and seeing pictures of my 8th graders and my 1st graders made me smile a mile wide but also made me really sad! I miss those kids, the faculty, that school like NONE OTHER. If I could move Cabrini to Chicago, I'd work there or volunteer there in a heartbeat. Sadly, they are in St. Louis, will be staying in St. Louis, and as I don't want to live in STL, I must work elsewhere. I know St. Procopius has the potential to capture my heart like Cabrini did, but I haven't quite gotten to that point yet. I hope it does, because my heart is full yet empty!

Remembering 9/11

I know that the whole country is doing this today (or they're avoiding doing this today), and I know a lot of people think it's probably blown out of proportion. But you know what? 9/11/2001 was a highly emotionally charged day and the way it's affected our country since then are hard to ignore. In fact, the trauma and the change is worth remembering, if for no other reason than to hopefully avoid the same mistakes again, and to honor the memory of those who were victims of an undeniably horrible tragedy.

For me, 9/11 kicked off a very interesting year for me. It was my freshman year of college, and I had been in Milwaukee, at Marquette, for 3 weeks when the World Trade Center went down. It was a Tuesday morning, and I had an 11 o'clock class. I slept in, as usual, and after my shower got to talking to my dad on AIM. He asked if I had seen the news, and I said no, so he told me to turn it on. I didn't really comprehend what I was seeing at first -- it was unreal, but I knew very little about New York or the WTC or the magnitude of what was happening. I'll admit, I was a little shaken and I didn't even know why.

I walked to my HP English class in a little bit of a daze -- I think we all were in one. I don't really remember how I got there, but I got there, and Angela Sorby in all her classic-Sorbyness was shaken and talked for 10 minutes before letting us go. By noon, the university had cancelled the rest of the day's classes. All I remember is watching tv all day. Since it was the beginning of my rebellion against God/religion, I didn't go to any of the memorial services. Maybe if I had, things that year would have been different, but at that point I was not motivated to do it. I remember calling mom and leaving her a message because I knew she was working nights... when she got my message she originally thought the president had been shot/killed. Obviously not, but the trauma was about the same, if not worse. I also remember getting a call from my uncle Roger (my dad's brother), who apparently had flown out of Boston that morning to somewhere south along the east coast (North Carolina maybe?) He was stranded, away from his family, just as I was stranded, away from mine. It was good to talk to him, even though it was awkward since we usually didn't hear from each other when it wasn't a holiday. I don't even remember what I said to Val, my roommate. Did we talk about it (like we ever talked about anything else, why would we talk about this?) or did we spend time with our "friends" (what real "friends" could we have after 3 weeks of school? Certainly not the familiar close friends from home). I was not on the best of terms with my mother at that point, and Dad as usual was Dad, but I can remember really wanting/needing someone family-related close by. But I was alone, in a strange new city, with nothing but email, telephone, and AIM to keep me connected. I found an old email I wrote that day, and I wanted to share parts of it:

"Hey Guys, It has most definitely been an interesting day... everyone keeps talking about how it's like with Kennedy was shot, how we'll remember this day forever... i didn't expect this in a million years, and i am surprised at how in shock it made me. And as stupid as it sounds, all I could think about when I saw the footage was the movie "Independence Day"- except for the whole alien thing. It sounds crazy, but it's true... some unknown (semi-unknown) force implemented disaster on our country, taking out our major military and financial places of business... So many people have been personally affected- many have friends or family at school or living or travelling within these premises today... Today has been a day of reconnecting as much as possible; email, IM and phone have become increasingly important. It's insane. TVs have been on all day, in everyone's room we wait to hear the latest update... Time seems to have come to a standstill and with the cancelling of classes in some schools, we have been forced to think about it... I have friends worried about war, distrusting President Bush, talking about Arabs and lots of other terriosts issues... I haven't even begun to consider who or why- i'm still trying to deal with the what."

Five years later, and I'm STILL trying to deal with the what. So much has changed since then -- politically, environmentally, socially, personally -- and yet that day is ingrained in me and my memory to every intricate detail. I had forgotten until I began to look back at old journal entries and emails how much it affected me and my life -- it affected my first semester of Phonathon calling (we weren't allowed to call the East Coast at first, then it was limited to just NY/DC), and I realized that not only was my uncle stranded but my cousin Phillip was at that point overseas (in Korea, if memory serves me correctly) serving in the army (he did eventually go to Iraq). A year and a half later, during my ADPR/HP seminar on "Media, Religion, and Cultural Identity", we were talking via webcam with the person in charge of some "Center for Christian-Muslim Understanding" the day Pres. Bush declared war on Iraq. How ironic is that?

It just amazes me that every year this anniversary gets to me. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, it is ALWAYS a day of reflection for me. I have a million things to do today at work, and there are much "better" ways I could be spending my Monday time. However, to me, I have to acknowledge these feelings. Every year it's a flashback -- I go back to that day, how I felt, where I was, who I was, who I was with, and that leads down the road to remembering what it was like to be in college for me, especially those first two years. People that were in my life then that aren't in my life now, the people that became destined to become part of my life, the dramas that ensued, the events that took place -- September 11, 2001 jump-started the whole blasted thing! If not for 9/11, I don't doubt that my freshman year would still have been rough but I don't think it would have had the same tone, and there by far would not have been the political/social environment surrounding my life as there was because of the terrorist attacks.

I could talk for hours about this, partially because I never really have. I journal about it every other year or so, but really, I deal with it in my own way on my own terms. It would be better for me to really truly deal, but I only know one person (at this point) I could do it with and she's 2 hours away work evenings all week. The other is someone I could talk to about it over drinks... and I didn't even know him 5 years ago (met him the weekend following 9/11 to be exact). It amazes me that this much has changed in my world and my life, and I can't even begin to put a finger on the WAYS it has changed me. I just know it has, and I know it will continue to change me and be part of me for the rest of my life.

Maybe that's what days like today are all about anyway -- remembering yes, mourning of course, but really truly attempting to understand and comprehend and accept and acknowledge and act on the changes that are part of us because of it. That's where my hope and thoughts lie anyway.