Oh goodness, what a week. And it's only 11:15 on Tuesday morning!
Last night I broke up with Sully, again. Yes, again. You know, I tried and I really thought on some level I cared about him in that way, but I realized that I don't and it's been stressing me out trying to figure out whether to keep this up or not. Luckily he said he could kind of see it coming so he wasn't 100% surprised. That doesn't make it suck any less for him, since he had really developed some deep feelings for me. He's just not the right one for me. He's definitely the most compatible guy I've ever dated (and sadly my shortest relationship to date), but we're much better off being just friends. And we will be able to be just friends. We spent two years cultivating a really good lasting friendship, and I don't think either of us plans on letting go of that any time soon. But, as Sully said, "I will need a little time to get over my feelings, but look forward to getting to work on that this weekend in MN. It will take some time (one-two month range I suppose) to get things back to normal, but I assure you it will happen." I'm really glad he's so committed to maintaining the friendship and working our way back to normal. I think we both know this friendship is too important and too strong to let this relationship and break-up affect in for the long haul.
I know it was the right thing to do because I feel at peace with it. This morning I was fighting back tears and got freaked out thinking he wouldn't want to do any of the things we have planned for the next several weeks (our trip to MN this weekend, my birthday, the Marquette/DePaul game, his birthday, the Marquette/Pitt game, Katie Balek's wedding...) but I'm hoping (and I think, if I know him at all) that he'll realize it's important to do those things together still, because the more we act like we're still friends the better we'll be able to stay friends. If we avoid hanging out and talking to each other, that just makes it worse. Andrea's right though, I do have to set boundaries. I'm not really worried about Sully thinking there's still a chance. He knows I don't feel the same way towards him, and if he saw this coming then he knows. He knows and he'll gradually be able to accept and move on. I know there is someone out there for each of us, and I'm excited for us to share in each other's lives and happiness down the road (because believe me it's not going to happen any time soon).
He was a great boyfriend -- thoughtful, courteous, planner, romantic, liked surprising, was good at communication and compromise -- if I had even a slight spark or attraction or whatever, it'd be perfect. But the emotional piece is there just not the spark/chemistry. And the spark/chemistry is important. The lack of it was making me think the emotional part wasn't what it should be. I miss my old friendship with Sully. He thinks we're better now, and to some extent we are because we know each other better and have been able to support each other in more ongoing ways. However, I miss the part of our relationship where we met once a week and that was our special time, where we talked candidly about anything in our life during that time because there was a high level of trust and companionship and comfort. I miss being able to talk faith and service with him. I miss that I felt challenged and stimulated in our conversations and interactions -- I feel like I haven't had that with him in a while.
I'm looking forward to working our way back towards just a really good friendship. I have, however, really learned my lesson about dating someone I've been friends with that long. Unless I'm absolutely certain there's a spark of chemistry there, it's not a good idea. I have this sneaking suspicion G has a thing for me, and God I hope he doesn't ever try to pursue it. That's what I said when I first thought Sully might like me -- "God, I hope not!" It's just not a good idea. It's like with this job, when I got the job offer, I was like "Oh shit, NOW what do I do?!" If it doesn't hit me as right or something I'm really excited about or interested in, it probably isn't meant to be. However, I learned a lot dating Sully and I'm glad we did. Same with this job -- I'm learning a lot and (eventually) I'll be glad I took it. However, neither are lasting careers/relationships.
I'm glad about this break up too because I think I'm finally ready to explore Chicago and make it my own. I think dating Sully was keeping me from really branching out the way I feel I need and want to. I was spending a lot of time with him and in a lot of ways he was "the only good thing" in my life. So many of my friendships are changing because of marriages and moving and careers, but I don't have anything in Chicago to hang on to except those changing friendships. I need to make a life for myself, that INCLUDES my past but doesn't EXCLUDE a future (if that makes sense). I want GVV and Marquette to be part of my life in Chicago, but I don't want it to be ALL of my life. I'm ready to branch out and try some things. This is sort of how I felt sophomore year of college after that emotionally rocky and rough freshman year and summer. At least this time the emotionally rough aspects of life aren't quite as battering, brutal, painful, or scarring as freshman year's were. Thank the goooooood lord for that.
Anyway, it's time I finished this entry for now and stopped procrastinating my work. I've been doing random things as I write this, but it's time to really hunker down and be productive. I hope everyone has a good and happy Tuesday, and may God be part of your life today!
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