Isolation

I don't know what it is, but I have been feeling terribly isolated the past few days.

Last week was rough. One of our school moms might be deported. A high school classmate of mine died suddenly the previous weekend (third in 10 months, second in the past 2 months). The associate pastor at my school went into rehab for alcoholism. We had major storms that caused a power surge in the school, which in effect killed my computer's motherboard, the security cameras, the doorbell system, the internet (which is back), and screwed with the phones (which are now fixed, though a few phones were fried). And finally, I spent the weekend painting my apartment, and the color sometimes looks good and sometimes looks wrong.

I finally cried Saturday morning, but it didn't help much. I was being a pain in the butt to Sully and I knew it but I tried to let it go. Monday I took a personal day because I was overwhelmed and needed a mental break from everything. I worked out ("joined" Bally's with my free 3-month membership finally) and bought Harry Potter #7 (which I haven't started yet because I am finishing another book first). Yesterday I had a decent day at work but felt crowded. Last night I got myself tipsy on 2 glasses of wine and a beer while I did laundry and watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls. Today I woke up and I feel very very isolated and depressed.

I know God would not want me to be depressed and to be honest I can't really figure out why I'm feeling this way. Part of it is there are friends I haven't seen or spoken to in several weeks. Last week I just didn't have time to connect with anyone because of the crazy emotions (and because Mom was in town for the first part of the week). I haven't seen or spoken to friends from Marquette or from Chicago, and that makes me sad. I also can't really complain about my job, except I feel pressured to do things when I don't have the money, and I feel as though Alma (who has great ideas and enthusiasm) will not understand that some parts of my job are in place and have been in place and you can't just come in and change everything! She has also made me aware, not maliciously but by virtue of her example and experience, how ill-prepared I am to serve this minority community. I don't know the language nor do I know the culture. My ideas and vision for a development and recruitment plan are wrapped up in a white middle-class American point of view. I feel as though I can have relationships with our parents as people but I don't know how to market to them or relate to them professionally. I don't hate my job and I don't want to quit, but boy do I feel as though I'm in the wrong place sometimes AND boy does it make me feel awful to think that my gifts and talents are better served in a place where the population is a bit more like me. Is that horrible?

Some people are able to bridge the gap. Some people are meant to be with "their own kind" and serve that way. I always said that the corporate world needs a sense of mission and spirituality just as much as the nonprofit world. Not that I will likely ever work in a truly corporate environment, although there are corporate environments in certain nonprofit settings. I know I will continue to learn a lot this year about marketing to other cultures, but I also know that part of my job is working with my own culture, since sadly we are the ones with the money.

Is this all that's bothering me? I don't know. Things with Sully and I are good, although there are times I don't know how he puts up with me. I feel moody and nit-picky and bossy and I can't seem to figure out how to stop being that way sometimes.

I'm stressed, depressed, isolated, and alone... and I don't quite know how to get out of it. I do pray, which I try to keep doing even though it doesn't necessarily make me feel better. Other than that, I don't know what else to do. I know I wouldn't hurt myself, at least I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to do that. Just because I don't know where my life is going right now doesn't mean that God's given up on my journey. He knows my path and he'll reveal it in due time. I'm not ready to give up yet -- it's far too early to do that. I just have to figure out how to make it through the day and into the next. I'll keep you posted.