This Sucks

Even though I know I did the right thing, it still sucks. It sucks because he is having a really hard time with it, and I don't know if he'll ever get over it. He was falling so hard for me, and as he said, "...this is a lot harder than I expected. When you are paranoid about something for 2.5 months and you finally get to the place where you let your guard down, it really sucks to have that paranoia come to fruition. This weekend will be hard as well, but it needs to happen...we both know that."

I'm so grateful he still wants to go this weekend... not only because of the financial reasons ($300+ for two tickets) which are small potatoes compared to the other more important reason of him and I needing to spend time together to reassure ourselves that the friendship is there and is intact and will *hopefully* remain intact.

I wish I loved him. You have no idea how badly I wish I loved him. He's the perfect boyfriend in every way, and in a lot of respects he would have (eventually) made an excellent spouse. But, there was no passion for him, and eventually that would have killed the relationship. As it is, I was realizing that now and that's why I ended it. I wish it didn't suck so much, for either of us, but it did. He thinks it'll take a month or two, but if Greg & I are any indication it could easily take a year or more. I just hope that even if it does take that long that Sully and I are still able to maintain our friendship. I would hate for either of us to lose a 2+ year friendship that has obviously meant so much to both of us because we tried dating and it didn't work out.

Ironically enough (God moment?), the book I'm reading had something to say that exactly encompasses what I'm feeling. I read this passage this morning and wanted to share. So, to quote Nicholas Sparks in "True Believers":

"...she wanted to meet the right guy first, someone who inspired her, the kind of guy she would be proud to call her man. This was where she and Doris differed. Doris seemed to think that a decent, moral man with a good job was all a woman should reasonably expect. And maybe in the past, those were all the qualities that someone could expect. But Lexie didn't want to settle for someone simply because he was kind and decent and had a good job. Who knows-- maybe she had unrealistic expectations, but Lexie wanted to feel passion for him as well. No matter how kind or responsible a man was, if she didn't feel any passion, she couldn't help but think that she'd be "settling" for someone, and she didn't want to settle. That wouldn't be fair to her and it wouldn't be fair to him. She wanted a man who was both sensitive and kind, but at the same time could sweep her off her feet. She wanted someone who would offer to rub her feet after a long day at the library, but also challenge her intellectually. Someone romantic, of course, the kind of guy who would buy her flowers for no reason at all.

It wasn't too much to ask, was it?

According to [magazines], it was. In those magazines, it seemed every article stated that it was completely up to the woman to keep the excitement alive in a relationship. But wasn't a relationship supposed to be just that? A relationship? Both partners doing everything they could to keep the other satisfied?"

It goes on, but the gist is passion (and mutual passion) is important. If he falls for me but I don't fall for him, both of us are going to be dissatisfied in the relationship. Sully is everything I want in a guy, except for the passion. And maybe the passion can grow, but I don't want to hurt him or be unfair to him by pretending to care for him that way when I just am not feeling it. And it is not his fault in the least -- he's romantic, sensitive, communicates well, is honest and hardworking, kind, etc. I just don't have the physical attraction and passion piece. Yes I think he's cute and attractive, but I've discovered I just don't think of him in that way. I haven't really been able to the whole time. At times I thought I did/could, but it didn't last. I always felt like a fraud. I just couldn't wrap my head around being a couple with him with other people -- by ourselves we were fine, but with friends it just never felt quite right. I hate that I felt that way, but I did. Mom asked me if it was because I was scared and I said, "Not this time." The first time around, yes I think I was scared. This time, we gave it a fair shake and it just wasn't working out for me. I know he loves me, and I hate hate hate that I had to break his heart especially because I know it will make it really awkward between us... I still don't regret dating him. Even if our friendship suffers, I don't regret dating him, because I know we were meant to. I hope and pray that our friendship withstands this test, because I value him and his friendship more than a lot of people's, and I know my friendship means a lot to him as well. I pray God guides our hearts towards healing and understanding. The fact that he's coming to MN and said what he said about coming to Minnesota (that we need it and we both know it) shows an incredible strength of character. I give him mad props for being willing to go through with it.

The rest of it, we'll just take one day and event at a time. Pray for us.