Shift in the Wind

This weekend was wonderful. We had a great time hanging out, spending time with my family, my/our friends, and each other. I know it was hard, but for the most part it felt like we were still the same old Marquette buddies. That is, until Sunday night, when I could tell he was pulling back and he admitted it had been a tough weekend. For some reason, that and the fact that we were headed "back to reality" and the city where we dated & broke up made me get crazy sad. I cried in the bathroom (twice) and during a good portion of the flight back to Chicago (apparently he didn't notice, which is weird).

Sully is someone with whom I'm completely comfortable. I have never been more myself than I am with him, but I also feel like when I was with him as "his girlfriend" I wasn't the self I thought I was or wanted to be. I don't know how to make that make sense. It's like we are different people when we're city dwellers with real professional jobs versus who we were together as friends in college or friends going through volunteer experiences last year. It's not that I didn't like who I was when I was with him, but I didn't recognize the person I was changing into.

February 6, 2007
Now that we're just friends, I feel like I'm me again. They say that when you love someone, that person makes you want to be a better person and you feel like you are so much of who you are and could be when you are with him/her. I didn't quite feel that way with Sully. In fact, I didn't really feel that way at all.

It's all very disheartening. I want to love him and fall in love with him, because he's so much my match! He has really set the bar high -- whoever I end up with will be based on this relationship, because in Sully I found so much of what I want in a life partner. I just didn't have the warmth, the spark, the zing. I know sometimes that can develop, but there's got to at least be a glimmer before it can turn into a full-fledged fire. I thought there was a glimmer but there wasn't. I wish there was - Lord I wish there was. But God has not seen fit to put us together in that way, and I have to accept. More, SULLY has to accept that.

I think this may be harder and more awkward than he is ready or willing to admit. My birthday celebration was somewhat awkward, and now I'm nervous about going to see "Wicked" with him on Friday -- what a great birthday present, and I'm excited to see it with him, but every ounce of my being is back to the "Just Friends" and the "Close Prayer Partner/Marquette Buddy" part of our friendship/relationship, but I have to be even more careful about not leading him on in other ways. It's like I have to step WAY back in order for him to heal, which makes it harder for ME to heal. How am I supposed to be just his friend when I can't even act like the friend I want and need to be?

This is all rambling and ridiculous -- Just pray for us, because Lord knows we need it. I know we'll be fine, but it definitely is going to take some time.