In April I began my Al-Anon 12-step work, and have found it to be a fascinating journey so far. Although Al-Anon is for friends and families of alcoholics, we work the 12 steps of AA ourselves. In Al-Anon we find that changing our perspectives, our thinking, and our behaviors can have a profound effect in improving the relationships and situations we find ourselves in. I've been in Al-Anon since October 2009 (nearly 8 months now), and am already feeling and finding change happening within me. Friends I see regularly and those I see very rarely have all commented on the joy and glow that seems to be radiating out of me. I don't notice it particularly myself, but I do know and feel that I have a bit more internal peace and happiness than I did 6, 9, 12 months ago. It is amazing to me how much has changed in such a short amount of time. And as I continue working my steps, even more change will occur. I remember thinking the other night as I hustled between my own Starbucks store and one three blocks away that got slammed during a sunny and busy holiday weekend evening and needed an extra hand - "I feel like I'm going to come out of this summer wondering what the HELL just happened?!" I just have a sense that a lot of change will happen this summer, and a lot of it will be positive. We'll see if that materializes. I can't worry about what life will be like in August, I can only think about what I'm going to do with today and how I'm going to make the most of this beautiful, sunny, summer Tuesday day off.
But that's the power of Al-Anon and the 12-step work. Just as we learn to take things one day at a time and learn how to do the "next right thing", even working the first three steps of AA/Al-Anon is about taking things one at a time. The instructions for the first three steps are to find a notebook, write down the steps, find a dictionary definition for each of the major words, then write about what the word meant to you before and what it means to you now. I'll tell you what, take a sentence, any sentence, and break down the definitions and what they mean to you, and you'll learn a HELL of a lot about yourself. I finished the first step a couple weeks ago and I was floored. I had so much trouble with the word "over". It's a freaking preposition, a tiny little word, but it had a lot of definitions and I struggled to say exactly what it meant to me. What I finally realized was that growing up, I always associated it with endings - "the play is over, the friendship is over, grade school is over." Now I see it more in terms of a journey and a sharing - "turning my will and life over to God" "starting over" and "going/coming over". It's about communication and being in relationship with others, and about beginnings that arise from endings.
That's just one example. Some of the reflections have been surprises, some have been things I've known and am in Al-Anon to hopefully overcome/change, such as my idea of "believe". Believe means to have trust and confidence, to find value and validity, etc., which are all things I struggle with. I don't believe in a lot of things that I want to believe in. Hopefully one day I will.
I'm blessed to have a number of amazing friends who have been and continue to be supportive of this journey in Al-Anon I'm taking. I know it will continue to improve my friendships and relationships, and I'm looking forward to watching those changes happen. I have to continue having patience though. I'm starting to be ready to be interested in dating again, but I know I'm not quite ready. It's challenging because there are a couple different people I would be interested in seeing where things might go in that respect, but I also know I can't force it, can't rush it, and don't want to because that's never worked for me before. I'm only 27 years old. I can be patient and let the journey and the process take the time it needs. I want to wait for the right person, and I want to be ready for that next right relationship. I have screwed up friendships and romantic relationships in the past with my character defects, but the time for damage prevention is here. As much as I can try not to hurt others I will. I know I can't be perfect and hurt, pain, sadness are part of life. But as much as I can try to avoid intentionally hurting others the better.
So that's the update for now. Thanks for listening. Time for me to enjoy this beautiful summer day!
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
"Forgive, Be Forgiven, Move on in Love"
Tonight, I heard Fr. Jim Hurlburt of St. Alphonsus Church in Chicago speak on forgiveness and love as a precursor to the upcoming season of Lent. One thing I love about the Charis Ministries speaker series is how the topics are so timely, somewhat familiar, and yet always refreshing, engaging, and challenging.
One thing Fr. Jim said most of us were incapable of experiencing unconditional love completely. He says "The true nature of love is only known by experiencing it, but we can't initiate love, we can only respond to and try to imitate it." Most of us will only know partial love, no matter how hard we try, because as humans we will always set conditions, even unconscious ones. Only God and Christ truly understands what "unconditional" love truly is. I relate to this idea on so many levels. I have yet to understand what "unconditional" really means, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to know and love unconditionally. I guess unconditional means acceptance and the realization that I can't control the other person or control anything outside of my own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. So if I "love someone unconditionally" I guess it means I accept them as they are. This doesn't mean I'll perfectly accept them 100% all the time, it just means that overall, I will always fall back on the "I love and accept who you are, as you are, even if I don't like or agree with everything you do or say or represent."
I have yet to fully process all of what this talk meant to me, but I made notes about the different questions I'll be reflecting on throughout Lent. It's amazing to me how much of it is rooted in Ignatian spirituality, AND how much of it I come across in the Al-Anon program I recently started working. I've been blessed with an ability to let go of grudges in a lot of ways, and I don't hold onto a lot of hurt and anger (though I'm not perfect and definitely do hold onto things sometimes). But the relationship between love and forgiveness that Fr. Jim spoke of tonight was something I hadn't realized in quite the same way, despite all my years of retreats, reflections, and built up self-awareness. I will likely continue reflecting on these topics as I start working my Al-Anon steps in the next couple months. For now I'm just grateful for a new way of looking at love and forgiveness.
One thing Fr. Jim said most of us were incapable of experiencing unconditional love completely. He says "The true nature of love is only known by experiencing it, but we can't initiate love, we can only respond to and try to imitate it." Most of us will only know partial love, no matter how hard we try, because as humans we will always set conditions, even unconscious ones. Only God and Christ truly understands what "unconditional" love truly is. I relate to this idea on so many levels. I have yet to understand what "unconditional" really means, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to know and love unconditionally. I guess unconditional means acceptance and the realization that I can't control the other person or control anything outside of my own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. So if I "love someone unconditionally" I guess it means I accept them as they are. This doesn't mean I'll perfectly accept them 100% all the time, it just means that overall, I will always fall back on the "I love and accept who you are, as you are, even if I don't like or agree with everything you do or say or represent."
I have yet to fully process all of what this talk meant to me, but I made notes about the different questions I'll be reflecting on throughout Lent. It's amazing to me how much of it is rooted in Ignatian spirituality, AND how much of it I come across in the Al-Anon program I recently started working. I've been blessed with an ability to let go of grudges in a lot of ways, and I don't hold onto a lot of hurt and anger (though I'm not perfect and definitely do hold onto things sometimes). But the relationship between love and forgiveness that Fr. Jim spoke of tonight was something I hadn't realized in quite the same way, despite all my years of retreats, reflections, and built up self-awareness. I will likely continue reflecting on these topics as I start working my Al-Anon steps in the next couple months. For now I'm just grateful for a new way of looking at love and forgiveness.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Spirit @ Work Within
Last November I participated in a retreat called "The Spirit@Work Within" presented by Charis Ministries in Chicago. It was a day-long retreat held at Loyola University Chicago's lakeshore campus with almost 50 people in their 20s and 30s. As one of the retreat team members, I was responsible for writing and giving a witness talk based on one of the retreat themes.
I had last given a retreat talk four years prior as a senior at Marquette University for the Freshman 2-Day retreat. Our theme for that particular retreat was "There's No Place Like Home" and finding a home at college. My fellow retreat team members gave talks on finding home with God, ourselves, and others. As the final speaker, my talk was focused on bringing all those themes together into one final "Home" talk. I remember spending a long time thinking about, praying about, and writing that retreat talk... a practice I repeated this year in writing my "Spirit@Work" talk. Ironically (or maybe not ironic but perhaps God-inspired), I was the final talk in both retreats. For the Spirit@Work retreat, our three talks centered on finding and using our gifts in 1) the past, 2) the present, and 3) the future. I appreciate having the experiences and self-awareness/self-reflection to give talks that summarize the retreat's themes and help people going forward.
For the Frosh 2-Day retreat, I spent a lot of time talking about how difficult my freshman year was. It was a year of major change and transition - my relationship with my mother was strained going into college, 9/11 was three weeks into my first semester, my uncle passed away unexpectedly during winter break, I dealt directly with friends acknowledging homosexuality and a friend who had been raped, did not have many friends, gained the freshman 20 pounds, wasn't involved in any activities, etc. Looking back, it's interesting to me how I even became the person I was that year - it's completely unlike anyone I had been prior and anyone I've been since. However, my freshman year taught me a number of very important lessons and helped me grow in countless ways I think I'm still experiencing. The lesson about "home" I was able to share was twofold - 1) an appreciation for my good friend Ryan who through his consistent presence and support that year helped me find my way out of the funk (finding "home" in friendship), and 2) the ability to identify what I needed to do to make my sophomore year (and consequently the rest of my college career) much better (being able to find "home" at Marquette through friends, involvement in service and church-related activities, and more).
The Spirit@Work retreat inspired a similar story, this time based on my journey towards finding my identity AND towards finding a career. The theme of my talk ended up being "Living a Life Testifying to God's Love." I shared how my gifts of creativity, hospitality, and self-awareness have been discovered over time (through my jobs, through comments by friends and family members, through reflection on the activities and people who have brought me peace and joy). Realizing how much I enjoyed working with children and remembering how strongly I've wanted to be involved in the arts, plus my interest in psychology and counseling, all led me to pursue grad school and a career in Art Therapy. However, sharing our gifts is not only a career goal... it is a life goal. And I've found that I'm able to share my gifts in a number of general life ways - from my work as a barista at Starbucks to my art and psychology classes and in all my relationships. I'm not perfect and I struggle with recognizing and remembering my gifts when I experience challenges and roadblocks. However, I've found a foundation in love and through faith I keep this desire to love and share love at the root of all I am and all I do.
I had last given a retreat talk four years prior as a senior at Marquette University for the Freshman 2-Day retreat. Our theme for that particular retreat was "There's No Place Like Home" and finding a home at college. My fellow retreat team members gave talks on finding home with God, ourselves, and others. As the final speaker, my talk was focused on bringing all those themes together into one final "Home" talk. I remember spending a long time thinking about, praying about, and writing that retreat talk... a practice I repeated this year in writing my "Spirit@Work" talk. Ironically (or maybe not ironic but perhaps God-inspired), I was the final talk in both retreats. For the Spirit@Work retreat, our three talks centered on finding and using our gifts in 1) the past, 2) the present, and 3) the future. I appreciate having the experiences and self-awareness/self-reflection to give talks that summarize the retreat's themes and help people going forward.
For the Frosh 2-Day retreat, I spent a lot of time talking about how difficult my freshman year was. It was a year of major change and transition - my relationship with my mother was strained going into college, 9/11 was three weeks into my first semester, my uncle passed away unexpectedly during winter break, I dealt directly with friends acknowledging homosexuality and a friend who had been raped, did not have many friends, gained the freshman 20 pounds, wasn't involved in any activities, etc. Looking back, it's interesting to me how I even became the person I was that year - it's completely unlike anyone I had been prior and anyone I've been since. However, my freshman year taught me a number of very important lessons and helped me grow in countless ways I think I'm still experiencing. The lesson about "home" I was able to share was twofold - 1) an appreciation for my good friend Ryan who through his consistent presence and support that year helped me find my way out of the funk (finding "home" in friendship), and 2) the ability to identify what I needed to do to make my sophomore year (and consequently the rest of my college career) much better (being able to find "home" at Marquette through friends, involvement in service and church-related activities, and more).
The Spirit@Work retreat inspired a similar story, this time based on my journey towards finding my identity AND towards finding a career. The theme of my talk ended up being "Living a Life Testifying to God's Love." I shared how my gifts of creativity, hospitality, and self-awareness have been discovered over time (through my jobs, through comments by friends and family members, through reflection on the activities and people who have brought me peace and joy). Realizing how much I enjoyed working with children and remembering how strongly I've wanted to be involved in the arts, plus my interest in psychology and counseling, all led me to pursue grad school and a career in Art Therapy. However, sharing our gifts is not only a career goal... it is a life goal. And I've found that I'm able to share my gifts in a number of general life ways - from my work as a barista at Starbucks to my art and psychology classes and in all my relationships. I'm not perfect and I struggle with recognizing and remembering my gifts when I experience challenges and roadblocks. However, I've found a foundation in love and through faith I keep this desire to love and share love at the root of all I am and all I do.
Loving Detachment
My faith is such that the concept of "fate" to me does not mean this cosmic plan I have no control over. To me, "fate" is more aligned to "God moments" - those moments when it seems the universe waited and conspired to make something happen at a given time because it was the RIGHT time.
Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.
I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)
Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.
I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)
5 Stages of Grief - a year later
In checking on my list of blog posts, I noticed a number of them had never been finished, and some of them needed to be! This one was begun in February of last year, in the midst of a heartbreaking time in my life. I had ended a really important long-term relationship with a man I had hoped and expected to marry in August 2008. Getting through the holidays was really rough, and January/February ended up being extremely low months for me. I'd experienced depression before, my freshman year of college. At that time, I felt isolated, lonely, bored, had low self-esteem, and didn't have any foundation or support. This time around, while I was experiencing grief the likes of which I hope I only ever experience again when my parents pass away, I also had more of my shit together. While the pain was at times unbearable, I had my faith, I had good friends, and I had activities that kept me going. I was participating in what's known as the 19th Annotation Retreat, or the Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life. St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote the Spiritual Exercises when he founded the Society of Jesus (Jesuit) order. It was intended to be a 30-day retreat, but the 19th Annotation stated the retreat could be done in the course of one's daily life because not everyone can take a month off to do a retreat. While this is a sad reality, it is a blessing to know the retreat is adaptable. I strongly believe that going through this retreat, which works it's way through five major themes (Love, Forgiveness, Surrender, Birth, and Freedom), helped me work through the stages of grief listed below in a healthy and natural progression. Before I go any further, I'll share the start of last year's journal entry:
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Language of Letting Go
There's a great book by Melodie Beattie called The Language of Letting Go which is a series of daily meditations for those who have been in recovery, or who, like me, are familiar with recovery from substance abuse/dependence. The meditations cover a number of topics including anger, fear, detachment, family issues, confidence, self-love, and more. Like any daily meditation, sometimes one fits for the day and sometimes it doesn't.
While it is not on the list of "conference-approved" AA or Al-Anon literature, I've found some of the reflections to be more personal, more heartfelt, and more applicable to me than other daily reading books I've found. Occasionally I'll probably share some thoughts and insights from the book, but for now I just wanted to put it out there as a resource for people who are interested in daily reflections. Even if you are not or do not have affiliation with addiction (or anyone with one), there are still great reads for ALL of us... because we all share many of the same character defects and need the same inspiration and reminders.
While it is not on the list of "conference-approved" AA or Al-Anon literature, I've found some of the reflections to be more personal, more heartfelt, and more applicable to me than other daily reading books I've found. Occasionally I'll probably share some thoughts and insights from the book, but for now I just wanted to put it out there as a resource for people who are interested in daily reflections. Even if you are not or do not have affiliation with addiction (or anyone with one), there are still great reads for ALL of us... because we all share many of the same character defects and need the same inspiration and reminders.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Honesty
Honesty is one of those fascinating concepts. We think telling the truth is important, and is always the best policy (or at least usually, though some would beg to differ thinking that honesty that hurts people might not always be the best thing). Honesty is often easy when it deals with other people and their actions, but it is often much harder to be honest with ourselves and ABOUT ourselves.
I'm discovering this most in relationships with other people - friendships and romance to be exact. Sometimes it's hard to put yourself out there and acknowledge feelings for another person, especially romantic feelings. It's also hard to know how honest to be with friends. How much should you tell them what you think of their actions and behaviors and choices and words etc? I guess a good rule of thumb is to stick to facts. But when it comes to feelings (especially romance) it's hard to know what's fact and what's just interpretation of emotion. Interpretation of personal feelings is where we get into trouble.
This is a short post, because I don't have any answers regarding honesty and truth and what the appropriate actions or rule of thumb really is or should be. But I am open to other people's ideas...
I'm discovering this most in relationships with other people - friendships and romance to be exact. Sometimes it's hard to put yourself out there and acknowledge feelings for another person, especially romantic feelings. It's also hard to know how honest to be with friends. How much should you tell them what you think of their actions and behaviors and choices and words etc? I guess a good rule of thumb is to stick to facts. But when it comes to feelings (especially romance) it's hard to know what's fact and what's just interpretation of emotion. Interpretation of personal feelings is where we get into trouble.
This is a short post, because I don't have any answers regarding honesty and truth and what the appropriate actions or rule of thumb really is or should be. But I am open to other people's ideas...
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
5 Moments and Claiming the Good
One of the best things about Netflix is the Instant Watch capability, and the fact that all four seasons of LOST are on Instant Watch. This means that on any given day, whether I'm trying to muddle my way through Abnormal Psychology, exercising on the elliptical, or taking notes on Child Development, I can re-watch my favorite episodes in rapid order without waiting a week between episodes during the regular season. :)
I just finished Season 3 of LOST, and one of the last episodes involves Charlie, the former heroin addict who falls in love with the pregnant girl Clare and her born-on-the-island son Aaron. He ends up sacrificing his life to help his fellow survivors get rescued. Towards the end, before he embarks on his dangerous mission, he writes a note to Clare that includes the "5 Best Moments" of his life, his "greatest hits." I was thinking about that after watching the episode, wondering what my top 5 would be during this first 26.5 years of my life.
I couldn't think of any. Or at least I couldn't come up with five.
I guess some things that pop into my head are...
-The day I realized how at home I was at Cabrini Academy and how much I truly loved those kids.
-The day I received the "Most Spirited E'gal" award during my junior year of high school, because it made me feel as though my fellow JV dance team members truly appreciated all the behind-the-scenes encouragement and support I gave, even if it wasn't always reciprocated.
-The day I called my mom, who was in Kentucky visiting with my aunts for the Kentucky Derby, and I was unabashedly in love and was able to be giddy girly with them.
-The day my grandma gave me my graduation quilt, and I had a memory of all my Colton family members and how much they loved me.
-My first Tuesday Night Mass at Joan of Arc chapel on Marquette's campus.... still get chills remembering how powerful it was.
Okay, so maybe I do have a few. It was hard to come up with them - do you think of the five days you were the happiest? the five moments that are the most memorable, the most exciting, the most freeing? Do you remember the five times when you felt at home, at peace, that all was right with the world? Were they moments that were great in themselves or moments that were great because of the circumstances and events that preceeded and succeeded from them?
Just something to think about...
One other thing, as I continue this excruciating journey of self-discovery and self-awareness (I feel like I'm a recovering addict, but I guess codepdency comes in all forms, not just substance abuse, eating disorders, etc. - sometimes we all have a bit of dysfunctional or codependent thinking, and I for one have probably lived with it for years). My friend Dominic made a great point to me tonight, and while I've heard it from many people at many times (especially over the past couple years)... I'm too hard on myself, I think too much/overanalyze too much, and I allow my happiness to be too dependent on what other people think of me (and how others are feeling). I have to learn to feel for myself, to be happy for ME because I'm ME and on MY OWN, and I have to not get so caught up in my relationships with other people. He's right, and I appreciated it, but it's so hard. I've spent nearly 27 years focused on pleasing others and wanting other people to like me, and I've never really learned to like myself. I'm not really sure how.
Audrey, my beloved roommate, has told me that while it's hard, I'm not in a bad place. I can function, and I have a healthy self-awareness. I have to learn to claim my successes, to identify and claim my joys, and to rejoice in who I am and who God made me to be.
This is so much harder said than done, and I'm honestly not sure where to start. But I keep revisiting the idea of Al-Anon and seeing a counselor... tomorrow is a me-day, so perhaps I'll initiate both of those tomorrow.
Until then, I'll keep in prayer my journey to re-claim ME. JUST ME. Unconditionally loved by God, friends, and family. ME.
Have a great night!
I just finished Season 3 of LOST, and one of the last episodes involves Charlie, the former heroin addict who falls in love with the pregnant girl Clare and her born-on-the-island son Aaron. He ends up sacrificing his life to help his fellow survivors get rescued. Towards the end, before he embarks on his dangerous mission, he writes a note to Clare that includes the "5 Best Moments" of his life, his "greatest hits." I was thinking about that after watching the episode, wondering what my top 5 would be during this first 26.5 years of my life.
I couldn't think of any. Or at least I couldn't come up with five.
I guess some things that pop into my head are...
-The day I realized how at home I was at Cabrini Academy and how much I truly loved those kids.
-The day I received the "Most Spirited E'gal" award during my junior year of high school, because it made me feel as though my fellow JV dance team members truly appreciated all the behind-the-scenes encouragement and support I gave, even if it wasn't always reciprocated.
-The day I called my mom, who was in Kentucky visiting with my aunts for the Kentucky Derby, and I was unabashedly in love and was able to be giddy girly with them.
-The day my grandma gave me my graduation quilt, and I had a memory of all my Colton family members and how much they loved me.
-My first Tuesday Night Mass at Joan of Arc chapel on Marquette's campus.... still get chills remembering how powerful it was.
Okay, so maybe I do have a few. It was hard to come up with them - do you think of the five days you were the happiest? the five moments that are the most memorable, the most exciting, the most freeing? Do you remember the five times when you felt at home, at peace, that all was right with the world? Were they moments that were great in themselves or moments that were great because of the circumstances and events that preceeded and succeeded from them?
Just something to think about...
One other thing, as I continue this excruciating journey of self-discovery and self-awareness (I feel like I'm a recovering addict, but I guess codepdency comes in all forms, not just substance abuse, eating disorders, etc. - sometimes we all have a bit of dysfunctional or codependent thinking, and I for one have probably lived with it for years). My friend Dominic made a great point to me tonight, and while I've heard it from many people at many times (especially over the past couple years)... I'm too hard on myself, I think too much/overanalyze too much, and I allow my happiness to be too dependent on what other people think of me (and how others are feeling). I have to learn to feel for myself, to be happy for ME because I'm ME and on MY OWN, and I have to not get so caught up in my relationships with other people. He's right, and I appreciated it, but it's so hard. I've spent nearly 27 years focused on pleasing others and wanting other people to like me, and I've never really learned to like myself. I'm not really sure how.
Audrey, my beloved roommate, has told me that while it's hard, I'm not in a bad place. I can function, and I have a healthy self-awareness. I have to learn to claim my successes, to identify and claim my joys, and to rejoice in who I am and who God made me to be.
This is so much harder said than done, and I'm honestly not sure where to start. But I keep revisiting the idea of Al-Anon and seeing a counselor... tomorrow is a me-day, so perhaps I'll initiate both of those tomorrow.
Until then, I'll keep in prayer my journey to re-claim ME. JUST ME. Unconditionally loved by God, friends, and family. ME.
Have a great night!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Starbucks, Art Class, and the Bears
It's football season again, which means another round of "Didja watch the Bears yesterday?" Mondays and Sunday afternoons spent catching a few minutes (or entire quarters) of a number of pigskin games. I love football season, but I'm not quite ready for it this year. Summer was not as weather-consistent as it has been previously, and it felt like it never really got fully WARM. I also only attended 2 baseball games (previous summers I'd attended 3-5) and I also didn't have ANY weddings! I'm not complaining about that - I was a bit burnt out on weddings and needed a break from them. Many of my married friends are now in the baby-making stage, so I've had a number of new little "nieces" and "nephews" to visit and hang out with. Among them are Dan and Mal's son Jacob (Pudgy Bear), the Gaffeys' boy Mikey (my official favorite baby ever), Steph and Brian's second kid John Paul (a most adorable little brother to my first and favorite niece Kayla), our softball team's good luck charm Joey Berke, and a number of others I know about but haven't necessarily met.
Summer also wasn't the same because I didn't have a big vacation, I didn't go camping, and I didn't really do much of the outdoorsy activities that I had the previous few summers (mainly because this summer I lacked a significant other with whom I used to do a lot of that!) I also moved, into a sweet and spacious 2-bedroom apartment with my dear friend Audrey, with whom I absolutely adore living and rooming. She and I have such a great system of communication, chore-sharing, bill-paying, cleaning, etc. We also are both religious and artistic, enjoy the company of large groups of friends, small groups of friends, or just by ourselves (individually or just roomie-time). There's also the small matter of her "puddle of cuddle" cat Mosey who couldn't be happier having her mom and "aunt" Bri sitting on the couch so she can come flop and sprawl between us. I had forgotten how much I love living with a cat. :)
Summer was interesting because it was a time of transition. I began the summer still dealing with a number of personal issues, mainly related to the job I still had and the relationship I had let go of last summer. It's been a year of self-exploration, through prayer, through conversation, through mainly healthy processing and grieving. I finally reached a point where I could move on from both - 1) I started school and a new part-time job at Starbucks this fall, which took care of any frustration or depression related to the development job I had previously held; and 2) After a retreat at the end of August, I finally let go of some anger towards God regarding the ending of the relationship, continued to realize some things about myself I needed to work on, and was able to say the one thing to my ex I needed to say in order to feel like I said everything I could say (mainly that I didn't break up with him because I didn't love him... it's a long story, but I absolutely needed him to know that, and I think that's all he could and is able to hear from me about it at this point).
So what's new for the fall, besides the new Bears' quarterback and the unquenchable disgust that Favre is playing for the Vikings? Semester #1 of pre-requesites for the Masters in Art Therapy I hope to pursue seems to be going well. Child psychology is enlightening, abnormal psychology is fascinating, and art class is going much better than I anticipated! I'm actually good at it! Which I realized I would be this summer, but it's fun to have it confirmed in an academic setting. I can't wait to take a painting class. I have 5 more art classes to take after this, and I think I'll be taking another drawing class, hopefully 2 painting classes, probably a ceramics class, and maybe a commercial art-type class (to refresh my memory/skills in that area, especially if working on computers in art therapy ever becomes an option). I need to meet with an adviser at the Adler School of Professional Psychology and determine what they recommend. I have 2 more psych classes left as well - personalities and research (and maybe a third, an adult life-span class, maybe). All of this in 4 semesters (spring, summer, fall, spring). I can do it :-)
I feel I could and should share some of the things I've learned about myself this past year, and someday I will. Things about my past and how I'm realizing they've influenced me (especially in relationships and friendships), things about my own personality that have changed, especially over the past year (such as how I process things, and where I get my energy), and some definite changes in how God and I relate. :) It'll be a fun story to share one of these days. For now, I'll just say that I'm really happy and relatively at peace. I know I'll continue to struggle some days, because that's who I am, but I feel more confident and competent than I did a year ago. :) It's very exciting.
Time for bed before my third 5am shift this week!
Hugs and Blessings - Briana
Summer also wasn't the same because I didn't have a big vacation, I didn't go camping, and I didn't really do much of the outdoorsy activities that I had the previous few summers (mainly because this summer I lacked a significant other with whom I used to do a lot of that!) I also moved, into a sweet and spacious 2-bedroom apartment with my dear friend Audrey, with whom I absolutely adore living and rooming. She and I have such a great system of communication, chore-sharing, bill-paying, cleaning, etc. We also are both religious and artistic, enjoy the company of large groups of friends, small groups of friends, or just by ourselves (individually or just roomie-time). There's also the small matter of her "puddle of cuddle" cat Mosey who couldn't be happier having her mom and "aunt" Bri sitting on the couch so she can come flop and sprawl between us. I had forgotten how much I love living with a cat. :)
Summer was interesting because it was a time of transition. I began the summer still dealing with a number of personal issues, mainly related to the job I still had and the relationship I had let go of last summer. It's been a year of self-exploration, through prayer, through conversation, through mainly healthy processing and grieving. I finally reached a point where I could move on from both - 1) I started school and a new part-time job at Starbucks this fall, which took care of any frustration or depression related to the development job I had previously held; and 2) After a retreat at the end of August, I finally let go of some anger towards God regarding the ending of the relationship, continued to realize some things about myself I needed to work on, and was able to say the one thing to my ex I needed to say in order to feel like I said everything I could say (mainly that I didn't break up with him because I didn't love him... it's a long story, but I absolutely needed him to know that, and I think that's all he could and is able to hear from me about it at this point).
So what's new for the fall, besides the new Bears' quarterback and the unquenchable disgust that Favre is playing for the Vikings? Semester #1 of pre-requesites for the Masters in Art Therapy I hope to pursue seems to be going well. Child psychology is enlightening, abnormal psychology is fascinating, and art class is going much better than I anticipated! I'm actually good at it! Which I realized I would be this summer, but it's fun to have it confirmed in an academic setting. I can't wait to take a painting class. I have 5 more art classes to take after this, and I think I'll be taking another drawing class, hopefully 2 painting classes, probably a ceramics class, and maybe a commercial art-type class (to refresh my memory/skills in that area, especially if working on computers in art therapy ever becomes an option). I need to meet with an adviser at the Adler School of Professional Psychology and determine what they recommend. I have 2 more psych classes left as well - personalities and research (and maybe a third, an adult life-span class, maybe). All of this in 4 semesters (spring, summer, fall, spring). I can do it :-)
I feel I could and should share some of the things I've learned about myself this past year, and someday I will. Things about my past and how I'm realizing they've influenced me (especially in relationships and friendships), things about my own personality that have changed, especially over the past year (such as how I process things, and where I get my energy), and some definite changes in how God and I relate. :) It'll be a fun story to share one of these days. For now, I'll just say that I'm really happy and relatively at peace. I know I'll continue to struggle some days, because that's who I am, but I feel more confident and competent than I did a year ago. :) It's very exciting.
Time for bed before my third 5am shift this week!
Hugs and Blessings - Briana
Thursday, August 06, 2009
TapTalk - Relationships
Here are some additional thoughts based on other questions more related to Christian living in relationships.
Intimacy and Faith in relationships...
"I heard a statistic that people are only truly able to maintain 2-4 close relationships at any given time (including a spouse/significant other) and that those who do are the happiest. Less than 2 and they’re lonely, more than 4 and the intimacy lessens. While that stat surprised me, it also made a lot of sense. This doesn’t mean you only try to have 4 friends, but it does lessen the pressure to be best friends with a dozen different people at any given time. I think God and faith help in that area. If you are open to giving and receiving graces in your relationships, you will find that people play certain roles in your lives and you theirs. By being present to those individuals in your life while you’re with them, you will experience joy and fellowship even if they don’t become or stay your closest friends. I’ve found the people I can share my faith with become the people I can share more intimately with, and that is blessing. I think in romantic relationships faith is even more important. Being able to pray together, talk about what was heard/experienced at Mass, talking about faith issues, etc. are all necessary parts of growing as a Catholic couple. But there has to be openness and an ability to work through spiritual “dry spells” together too."
Do opposites attract...
"I think in some ways yes and some ways no. I think we are attracted to people who have similar values and interests, but who are different enough to still be interesting. I think some couples are complete opposites and able to work together great, but some couples who are total opposites clash too strongly and don’t know how to compromise. I think some of the key components of healthy relationships are 1) communication, 2) willingness to compromise, 3) strong self-confidence/self-esteem, 4) openness to learning and understanding another’s point of view, 5) laughter and pure enjoyment of each other’s company, 6) romance and intimacy and chemistry. I think the physical is as important as the emotional, and I also think that being able to talk about faith even if your approaches to faith/religion are different is extremely important. I think it’s important to compromise but also important to stand up for yourself and not give in too much (or it could breed resentment or loss of self down the line). Know your deal-breakers, and be strong in them. I dated a man I thought I would marry (still think we could someday), but there were certain things that became dealbreakers and no matter how much I loved him I knew it would affect the relationship long-term. So unless those areas are worked on/worked out, they’ll always prevent a long-lasting and fully loving relationship. It is not easy, but in the long run is better for one’s health and spirit."
Intimacy and Faith in relationships...
"I heard a statistic that people are only truly able to maintain 2-4 close relationships at any given time (including a spouse/significant other) and that those who do are the happiest. Less than 2 and they’re lonely, more than 4 and the intimacy lessens. While that stat surprised me, it also made a lot of sense. This doesn’t mean you only try to have 4 friends, but it does lessen the pressure to be best friends with a dozen different people at any given time. I think God and faith help in that area. If you are open to giving and receiving graces in your relationships, you will find that people play certain roles in your lives and you theirs. By being present to those individuals in your life while you’re with them, you will experience joy and fellowship even if they don’t become or stay your closest friends. I’ve found the people I can share my faith with become the people I can share more intimately with, and that is blessing. I think in romantic relationships faith is even more important. Being able to pray together, talk about what was heard/experienced at Mass, talking about faith issues, etc. are all necessary parts of growing as a Catholic couple. But there has to be openness and an ability to work through spiritual “dry spells” together too."
Do opposites attract...
"I think in some ways yes and some ways no. I think we are attracted to people who have similar values and interests, but who are different enough to still be interesting. I think some couples are complete opposites and able to work together great, but some couples who are total opposites clash too strongly and don’t know how to compromise. I think some of the key components of healthy relationships are 1) communication, 2) willingness to compromise, 3) strong self-confidence/self-esteem, 4) openness to learning and understanding another’s point of view, 5) laughter and pure enjoyment of each other’s company, 6) romance and intimacy and chemistry. I think the physical is as important as the emotional, and I also think that being able to talk about faith even if your approaches to faith/religion are different is extremely important. I think it’s important to compromise but also important to stand up for yourself and not give in too much (or it could breed resentment or loss of self down the line). Know your deal-breakers, and be strong in them. I dated a man I thought I would marry (still think we could someday), but there were certain things that became dealbreakers and no matter how much I loved him I knew it would affect the relationship long-term. So unless those areas are worked on/worked out, they’ll always prevent a long-lasting and fully loving relationship. It is not easy, but in the long run is better for one’s health and spirit."
Theology on Tap Reflections
The Archdiocese of Chicago's Office of Young Adult Ministry launched TapTalk this summer - a blog dedicated to reflections on Theology-on-Tap presentations and topics. Occasionally I'll read through and comment on some of the reflection questions, and I decided to share some of those thoughts here too.
Being a Christian...
"Being a Christian impacts my daily life in a lot of ways. Being Christian has given me the ability to identify my own gifts, give thanks for them, and search for the ways to use them in a way that is pleasing to God. It also affects my attitude towards people – a greater patience, an ability to let go, and understanding of differences, kindness, generosity, and simple living are all characteristics I seek to embody that have a basis in my Christian Catholic faith."
Living the Gospel...
"Living the Gospel means living as Jesus lived. As we seek to understand his ministry, we come to learn how his ministry relates to our lives and the ways we are called to live and to love. Living the Gospel means being aware and taking action – for social justice, for our own spiritual development, for love, etc. It means accepting and owning our fears but working with Christ to surrender the fears so we can do what God the Father is calling us to."
The Catholic Mass...
"I have come to really enjoy and appreciate Mass. Having experienced Mass in many different cities across the world, it is always a peaceful homecoming to realize that no matter the language or tradition, the core of the Mass, the Eucharist, never changes. The Liturgy of the Eucharist, in action, is constant. It is a reminder that we belong to this community, a reminder of Jesus’ sacrifice for us, and a reminder of the years and richness of our Catholic heritage and tradition. While I’ve come to enjoy the readings and homilies more over the years, as I’ve learned to try and listen better, on the days when I just can’t concentrate or don’t get anything out of the readings, I always know the Eucharist will make sense."
Meaning of the Eucharist...
"The other question the Eucharist being about a community meal versus Christ’s sacrifice hit me in particular this year. At this year’s Holy Thursday service, I felt for the first time a strong sense of the sacrifice of Christ above and beyond the meal. I have continued to reflect on that sacrifice and praying that I may be made worthy of the sacrifice and that I may act in such a way that his sacrifice for me and others would not be in vain."
Relationship with Jesus...
"I don’t know when Jesus was first introduced to me or how he was described (though I imagine it was probably in Kindergarten or Sunday School when I was little). However, the first time I remember ever picturing Jesus on my own was in 4th grade during Catholic Schools Week. We had an in-school “Retreat” day and I remember one of the “Sessions” involved lying on the floor in a darkened classroom with our eyes closed. Soft music was playing (or ocean sounds) and someone did a guided meditation on the “Footprints” poem. It was the first time Jesus has seemed like a real FRIEND walking side-by-side with me. That image and notion of Jesus has stayed with me ever since then, and that’s how I describe my relationship with him to others. Jesus is a friend and confidant who listens, understands, sympathizes, challenges when necessary, supports, and guides. He’s a constant source of strength and support and encouragement, even when things look really low. When God seems far away, Jesus is always there. That’s why the Eucharist also means so much to me. It’s a concrete and regular example of that friendship and that constant presence in my life."
Being a Christian...
"Being a Christian impacts my daily life in a lot of ways. Being Christian has given me the ability to identify my own gifts, give thanks for them, and search for the ways to use them in a way that is pleasing to God. It also affects my attitude towards people – a greater patience, an ability to let go, and understanding of differences, kindness, generosity, and simple living are all characteristics I seek to embody that have a basis in my Christian Catholic faith."
Living the Gospel...
"Living the Gospel means living as Jesus lived. As we seek to understand his ministry, we come to learn how his ministry relates to our lives and the ways we are called to live and to love. Living the Gospel means being aware and taking action – for social justice, for our own spiritual development, for love, etc. It means accepting and owning our fears but working with Christ to surrender the fears so we can do what God the Father is calling us to."
The Catholic Mass...
"I have come to really enjoy and appreciate Mass. Having experienced Mass in many different cities across the world, it is always a peaceful homecoming to realize that no matter the language or tradition, the core of the Mass, the Eucharist, never changes. The Liturgy of the Eucharist, in action, is constant. It is a reminder that we belong to this community, a reminder of Jesus’ sacrifice for us, and a reminder of the years and richness of our Catholic heritage and tradition. While I’ve come to enjoy the readings and homilies more over the years, as I’ve learned to try and listen better, on the days when I just can’t concentrate or don’t get anything out of the readings, I always know the Eucharist will make sense."
Meaning of the Eucharist...
"The other question the Eucharist being about a community meal versus Christ’s sacrifice hit me in particular this year. At this year’s Holy Thursday service, I felt for the first time a strong sense of the sacrifice of Christ above and beyond the meal. I have continued to reflect on that sacrifice and praying that I may be made worthy of the sacrifice and that I may act in such a way that his sacrifice for me and others would not be in vain."
Relationship with Jesus...
"I don’t know when Jesus was first introduced to me or how he was described (though I imagine it was probably in Kindergarten or Sunday School when I was little). However, the first time I remember ever picturing Jesus on my own was in 4th grade during Catholic Schools Week. We had an in-school “Retreat” day and I remember one of the “Sessions” involved lying on the floor in a darkened classroom with our eyes closed. Soft music was playing (or ocean sounds) and someone did a guided meditation on the “Footprints” poem. It was the first time Jesus has seemed like a real FRIEND walking side-by-side with me. That image and notion of Jesus has stayed with me ever since then, and that’s how I describe my relationship with him to others. Jesus is a friend and confidant who listens, understands, sympathizes, challenges when necessary, supports, and guides. He’s a constant source of strength and support and encouragement, even when things look really low. When God seems far away, Jesus is always there. That’s why the Eucharist also means so much to me. It’s a concrete and regular example of that friendship and that constant presence in my life."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Prayer Written By a Friend
Prayer for Strength to Do Justice (adapted from Psalm 104)
O Lord our God, you are honorable and majestic, surrounded by all good things.
You have stretched out the heavens to cover us,
set the sunbeams on the waters to warm us,
and blown sweet winds to refresh us.
When life feels shaky and everything is uncertain,
you stand by me.
You fill my life with hope.
You make water flow in the oceans,
filling up rivers and springs.
You even make mountains to stop the waters from covering all.
You give grass to the cattle,
sunlight to the trees, seeds for the birds.
Give me also all that I need.
Lord you know I think I need things, money and position,
Help me to see what is truly good:
share with me the provisions for life,
the intimacy of friends and family,
the strength to seek your good,
the power of your Holy Spirit.
When you send forth your Spirit, life is created.
You renew all things from the ground to the living creatures to the skies.
Our prayer is that all things bring you joy, God of love.
Make us part of your work.
Cleanse our hearts from sin into pure love,
Attune our energy to the needy crying out for mercy
Make our soul gentle and full of your justice,
Make our souls firm and full of your compassion.
When I have no answer, send me your wisdom.
For you came and walked with us, teaching, and healing and loving.
Do not stop now but remain with us, teach and heal and love.
Bless you, O, Lord
I will sing to you as long as I have breath
Praise you with all of my being.
Praise you, O, Lord
- Audrey Krumbach
O Lord our God, you are honorable and majestic, surrounded by all good things.
You have stretched out the heavens to cover us,
set the sunbeams on the waters to warm us,
and blown sweet winds to refresh us.
When life feels shaky and everything is uncertain,
you stand by me.
You fill my life with hope.
You make water flow in the oceans,
filling up rivers and springs.
You even make mountains to stop the waters from covering all.
You give grass to the cattle,
sunlight to the trees, seeds for the birds.
Give me also all that I need.
Lord you know I think I need things, money and position,
Help me to see what is truly good:
share with me the provisions for life,
the intimacy of friends and family,
the strength to seek your good,
the power of your Holy Spirit.
When you send forth your Spirit, life is created.
You renew all things from the ground to the living creatures to the skies.
Our prayer is that all things bring you joy, God of love.
Make us part of your work.
Cleanse our hearts from sin into pure love,
Attune our energy to the needy crying out for mercy
Make our soul gentle and full of your justice,
Make our souls firm and full of your compassion.
When I have no answer, send me your wisdom.
For you came and walked with us, teaching, and healing and loving.
Do not stop now but remain with us, teach and heal and love.
Bless you, O, Lord
I will sing to you as long as I have breath
Praise you with all of my being.
Praise you, O, Lord
- Audrey Krumbach
Monday, May 04, 2009
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…” - I John 4:18
Back in October I wrote this post for another blog... Someone commented on it today so I had a chance to go back and re-read it. Wow. Definitely something I needed to hear and remind myself about again. Just one piece of this gigantic Twilight Zone puzzle I've been dealing with this past week. Hope you all enjoy it too.
POST:
I don’t know about many of you, but it is really easy to be scared these days. In a world where war is not just something happening between nations across the ocean but between neighbors down the street, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of hiding under the blanket with our headphones and books, blocking out the world. How do we live a life of love when all around us Wall Street crises threaten our financial security, the divorce rate is at least half the rate of those getting married in a given year, and over 67% of Americans in 2006 were unhappy in their job situation? These American statistics and events give a brief glimpse into many of the social issues plaguing our world. Living a life of love means living a life without fear, living a life fully dependent on God’s goodness and mercy, living with complete trust that God will provide and protect.
John’s letter continues to say that fear has to do with punishment, so one who fears is not perfect in love. John hits it right on the nose - we punish ourselves by being afraid. We paralyze ourselves, and don’t believe in our true goodness and our limitless potential. We do not trust that God can work miracles, move mountains, and do all manner of great things in and through us by his perfect love. But humans are flawed. We try to do so much on our own. We try to be the strong ones, the brave ones, the intelligent ones, and we try to do this all on our own. We do not understand that setting high expectations is good, but counting on ourselves alone to achieve them is only going to set us up for failure. By committing ourselves to follow in God’s footsteps, we will not fail. We will continually be working for his greater glory, whether there are setbacks or detours or a straight-arrow path!
I didn’t meant to get so philosophical. I am not the most up-to-date on current events, but I do come across questions and quotes like this that get me thinking about society and how people, especially young adults, live and think and interact. We’re all about questioning and searching - trying to identify our life’s ambition, trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives and where God fits in. If we weren’t seekers, we wouldn’t be God’s people, striving to live a life of love.
POST:
I don’t know about many of you, but it is really easy to be scared these days. In a world where war is not just something happening between nations across the ocean but between neighbors down the street, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of hiding under the blanket with our headphones and books, blocking out the world. How do we live a life of love when all around us Wall Street crises threaten our financial security, the divorce rate is at least half the rate of those getting married in a given year, and over 67% of Americans in 2006 were unhappy in their job situation? These American statistics and events give a brief glimpse into many of the social issues plaguing our world. Living a life of love means living a life without fear, living a life fully dependent on God’s goodness and mercy, living with complete trust that God will provide and protect.
John’s letter continues to say that fear has to do with punishment, so one who fears is not perfect in love. John hits it right on the nose - we punish ourselves by being afraid. We paralyze ourselves, and don’t believe in our true goodness and our limitless potential. We do not trust that God can work miracles, move mountains, and do all manner of great things in and through us by his perfect love. But humans are flawed. We try to do so much on our own. We try to be the strong ones, the brave ones, the intelligent ones, and we try to do this all on our own. We do not understand that setting high expectations is good, but counting on ourselves alone to achieve them is only going to set us up for failure. By committing ourselves to follow in God’s footsteps, we will not fail. We will continually be working for his greater glory, whether there are setbacks or detours or a straight-arrow path!
I didn’t meant to get so philosophical. I am not the most up-to-date on current events, but I do come across questions and quotes like this that get me thinking about society and how people, especially young adults, live and think and interact. We’re all about questioning and searching - trying to identify our life’s ambition, trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives and where God fits in. If we weren’t seekers, we wouldn’t be God’s people, striving to live a life of love.
Friday, February 20, 2009
ENFP/ENFJ + Aquarius = What?
In learning about Appreciative Inquiry at this week's Partners' Conference and also hearing a new perspective on Ignatian decision-making, I began to do a self-evaluation about myself. Personally and professionally, I have some distinct characteristics. They come from being born in the sign of the Aquarius (for you horoscope lovers), as a combination ENFP/ENFJ (my Myers-Briggs personality rating), and as a contemplative in action (Ignatian spirituality - part of the Catholic faith).
Here are some highlights:
1) One of the most apparent Aquarius personality traits is that of a humanitarian, a giver. They have a strong desire to serve in philanthropic and charitable endeavors. Their societal beliefs are very idealistic in the sense that they believe that one of their main purposes in life is serving to benefit the greater good of mankind.
2) Emotional experiences and dealing with emotions themselves tends to be difficult for the Aquarius. This seemingly emotional detachment is what tends to make the Aquarian appear a bit cold and remote when it comes to deeply emotional experiences. It isn't that Aquarians are unemotional people in general, it just takes them awhile to really let people into their lives. Once they let their guard down, Aquarians are very passionate and loyal people. (The funny part about this is I also wear my heart on my sleeves, try to talk/communicate about feelings in an overly analytical way, and am not afraid to cry).
3) Aquarians do not like to be boxed-in. If an Aquarian feels like he or she is backed into a corner, the person committing this huge mistake will no doubt be on the receiving end of that Aquarian's temper, which can be explosive. (And yet the high expectations I tend to set also contribute to the holding-everything-in-until-I-explode style too).
4) The Aquarius personality is naturally a bit rebellious and non-conformist. People born under this sign are less than thrilled with the rigidity of typical "nine-to-five" work schedules so they often hold less conventional jobs in which the schedule varies. Better yet, they choose jobs that allow them the freedom to make their own schedules and march to their own drums. (One of the reasons I loved GVV so much - I had three different "jobs" that had a non-repetitive schedule).
5) Aquarians are extremely social people, but they also like their personal space. (DING DING DING) They are often at their best in social settings and work well with groups. Their need for personal time and space is a bit of a paradox for social butterfly Aquarians, but they find their balance between the two. However, finding that balance between the need to both be alone and be with people may be easier for Aquarians than it is for their partners, making it difficult to figure out if the water bearer is having a social or anti-social day. (Hm, definitely saw this in my previous relationship).
As for Myers-Briggs...
I’m an ENFP/ENFJ – extraverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiving/judging (tied) – person.
1) As an ENFP, career satisfaction means doing work that: lets me work on a variety of projects motivated by creative inspiration, lets me create new ideas or solutions to problems, is fun and challenging, rarely requires me to do handle the follow-through/routine details/maintenance of a system or project; lets me work at my own pace with a minimum of rules/structure and allows me to act spontaneously; lets me meet new people, learn new skills, and satisfy my curiosity; is consistent with my personal beliefs and lets me create opportunities that benefit others; is done in a friendly and relaxed environment with a minimum of interpersonal conflict; allows me the freedom to follow my inspirations and participate in exciting or intriguing adventures; is done in an environment that appreciates and rewards enthusiasm, integrity, and imagination.
As an ENFJ, career satisfaction means doing work that: lets me establish and maintain warm and supportive interpersonal relationships with coworkers, clients, customers, etc.; lets me develop and establish creative solutions to problems on projects that I believe in and where I can see the positive results of my efforts for other people; is done in an environment where expectations are clear and personal/professional growth and development are encouraged; lets me be part of a team of other creative people I trust as well as being busy and productive; allows me time to develop creative solutions to problems and then share them with other supportive and caring people; is done in an active and challenging environment where I am able to juggle several projects at once; lets me use my organizational decision-making skills and have control/responsibility of my own projects; gives me a variety of activities but allows me to work in a relatively orderly and well-planned manner; is done in an environment that is free from interpersonal conflicts and ongoing tension; exposes me to new ideas and lets me explore new approaches, especially those that will improve the lives of other people.
2) Strengths of ENFP: innovative thinkers and problem solvers, able to combine their talents with interests and abilities of others, can find success in whatever interests them, are good at putting the right people into the right positions/tasks, motivate others with infectious enthusiasm.
Strengths of ENFJ: promote harmony, build cooperation, respect a variety of opinions, can be good public speakers and facilitate group discussions, decisive and organized, natural leaders
3) Weakness of ENFP: may not be well organized or good at setting priorities, have trouble following through on details of a project, may become bored or easily sidetracked, don’t usually enjoy anything repetitive or routine, usually less effective working alone.
Weakness of ENFJ: tend to idealize people, can make decisions too quickly, may have trouble dealing with conflict and sweep problems under the rug, may take criticism too personally, may not be attentive to factual accuracy.
In the area of Appreciative Inquiry, the focus is not on solving problems but on building up the strengths in an effective and energizing manner. What we focus on becomes our reality, but there are multiple realities. Keeping a part of the past is a necessary part of moving forward, but it's not good to dwell there. "When you do more of what works, the stuff that doesn't work goes away."
So what does all this mean? That's what's being worked out inside of me during this 19th Annotation Retreat. I don't know what the end result will be, but I have ideas, and I have hopes. Both of those, with the sun, let me know that spring is coming again. :)
Here are some highlights:
1) One of the most apparent Aquarius personality traits is that of a humanitarian, a giver. They have a strong desire to serve in philanthropic and charitable endeavors. Their societal beliefs are very idealistic in the sense that they believe that one of their main purposes in life is serving to benefit the greater good of mankind.
2) Emotional experiences and dealing with emotions themselves tends to be difficult for the Aquarius. This seemingly emotional detachment is what tends to make the Aquarian appear a bit cold and remote when it comes to deeply emotional experiences. It isn't that Aquarians are unemotional people in general, it just takes them awhile to really let people into their lives. Once they let their guard down, Aquarians are very passionate and loyal people. (The funny part about this is I also wear my heart on my sleeves, try to talk/communicate about feelings in an overly analytical way, and am not afraid to cry).
3) Aquarians do not like to be boxed-in. If an Aquarian feels like he or she is backed into a corner, the person committing this huge mistake will no doubt be on the receiving end of that Aquarian's temper, which can be explosive. (And yet the high expectations I tend to set also contribute to the holding-everything-in-until-I-explode style too).
4) The Aquarius personality is naturally a bit rebellious and non-conformist. People born under this sign are less than thrilled with the rigidity of typical "nine-to-five" work schedules so they often hold less conventional jobs in which the schedule varies. Better yet, they choose jobs that allow them the freedom to make their own schedules and march to their own drums. (One of the reasons I loved GVV so much - I had three different "jobs" that had a non-repetitive schedule).
5) Aquarians are extremely social people, but they also like their personal space. (DING DING DING) They are often at their best in social settings and work well with groups. Their need for personal time and space is a bit of a paradox for social butterfly Aquarians, but they find their balance between the two. However, finding that balance between the need to both be alone and be with people may be easier for Aquarians than it is for their partners, making it difficult to figure out if the water bearer is having a social or anti-social day. (Hm, definitely saw this in my previous relationship).
As for Myers-Briggs...
I’m an ENFP/ENFJ – extraverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiving/judging (tied) – person.
1) As an ENFP, career satisfaction means doing work that: lets me work on a variety of projects motivated by creative inspiration, lets me create new ideas or solutions to problems, is fun and challenging, rarely requires me to do handle the follow-through/routine details/maintenance of a system or project; lets me work at my own pace with a minimum of rules/structure and allows me to act spontaneously; lets me meet new people, learn new skills, and satisfy my curiosity; is consistent with my personal beliefs and lets me create opportunities that benefit others; is done in a friendly and relaxed environment with a minimum of interpersonal conflict; allows me the freedom to follow my inspirations and participate in exciting or intriguing adventures; is done in an environment that appreciates and rewards enthusiasm, integrity, and imagination.
As an ENFJ, career satisfaction means doing work that: lets me establish and maintain warm and supportive interpersonal relationships with coworkers, clients, customers, etc.; lets me develop and establish creative solutions to problems on projects that I believe in and where I can see the positive results of my efforts for other people; is done in an environment where expectations are clear and personal/professional growth and development are encouraged; lets me be part of a team of other creative people I trust as well as being busy and productive; allows me time to develop creative solutions to problems and then share them with other supportive and caring people; is done in an active and challenging environment where I am able to juggle several projects at once; lets me use my organizational decision-making skills and have control/responsibility of my own projects; gives me a variety of activities but allows me to work in a relatively orderly and well-planned manner; is done in an environment that is free from interpersonal conflicts and ongoing tension; exposes me to new ideas and lets me explore new approaches, especially those that will improve the lives of other people.
2) Strengths of ENFP: innovative thinkers and problem solvers, able to combine their talents with interests and abilities of others, can find success in whatever interests them, are good at putting the right people into the right positions/tasks, motivate others with infectious enthusiasm.
Strengths of ENFJ: promote harmony, build cooperation, respect a variety of opinions, can be good public speakers and facilitate group discussions, decisive and organized, natural leaders
3) Weakness of ENFP: may not be well organized or good at setting priorities, have trouble following through on details of a project, may become bored or easily sidetracked, don’t usually enjoy anything repetitive or routine, usually less effective working alone.
Weakness of ENFJ: tend to idealize people, can make decisions too quickly, may have trouble dealing with conflict and sweep problems under the rug, may take criticism too personally, may not be attentive to factual accuracy.
In the area of Appreciative Inquiry, the focus is not on solving problems but on building up the strengths in an effective and energizing manner. What we focus on becomes our reality, but there are multiple realities. Keeping a part of the past is a necessary part of moving forward, but it's not good to dwell there. "When you do more of what works, the stuff that doesn't work goes away."
So what does all this mean? That's what's being worked out inside of me during this 19th Annotation Retreat. I don't know what the end result will be, but I have ideas, and I have hopes. Both of those, with the sun, let me know that spring is coming again. :)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Vicious Cycles
We as human beings get ourselves caught into vicious cycles of thinking, speaking, and behaving. We convince ourselves that things have to be a certain way in order for something to make sense, feel right, or have that "happy ending." Sometimes we have realistic expectations or valid concerns; sometimes we make things a lot more challenging and difficult than they need to be. We try to protect ourselves and end up hurting ourselves instead.
So how do we know when we're doing the right thing and when we need to back off, cool our jets, and just "let love in" or "let things go"? If I had the answer to that, I'd be a very rich women writing the best-selling book of all time. It takes practice, I do know that. It takes self-awareness, a WILLINGNESS to change, and an ability to forgive yourself and others for not being "perfect." This doesn't mean you can't have expectations or standards - it just means you have to really look at those expectations and standards and ask yourself, "Do I have these because I'm afraid or do I have these because I legitimately know it's what I need to be happy?"
I didn't used to find myself watching movies or reading a book and wishing my life could be like the characters. Sure I'd have moments of "oh that'd be nice" but it would quickly give way to "that stuff doesn't happen - it's only idealized/exaggerated because it's a movie or book." But I'll tell you this - the last few months of my relationship and these past 5 months without him have proven this to me - just because it doesn't seem realistic doesn't mean it's not possible, and doesn't mean we can't dream for it.
This will pass, but when it does, will I regret the decision and mourn forever what I lost? Will I ever get to a point of being really okay with how things are? If he marries her, will I be able to handle it? I've lost him, now his sister (and because of that probably his family), and who knows what friendships may eventually wither away too. The bitch (and sometimes blessing) of growing up is that relationships and friendships do not stay the same. I hope someday that gets easier. Until then, I'll keep navigating the tricky waters.
So how do we know when we're doing the right thing and when we need to back off, cool our jets, and just "let love in" or "let things go"? If I had the answer to that, I'd be a very rich women writing the best-selling book of all time. It takes practice, I do know that. It takes self-awareness, a WILLINGNESS to change, and an ability to forgive yourself and others for not being "perfect." This doesn't mean you can't have expectations or standards - it just means you have to really look at those expectations and standards and ask yourself, "Do I have these because I'm afraid or do I have these because I legitimately know it's what I need to be happy?"
I didn't used to find myself watching movies or reading a book and wishing my life could be like the characters. Sure I'd have moments of "oh that'd be nice" but it would quickly give way to "that stuff doesn't happen - it's only idealized/exaggerated because it's a movie or book." But I'll tell you this - the last few months of my relationship and these past 5 months without him have proven this to me - just because it doesn't seem realistic doesn't mean it's not possible, and doesn't mean we can't dream for it.
This will pass, but when it does, will I regret the decision and mourn forever what I lost? Will I ever get to a point of being really okay with how things are? If he marries her, will I be able to handle it? I've lost him, now his sister (and because of that probably his family), and who knows what friendships may eventually wither away too. The bitch (and sometimes blessing) of growing up is that relationships and friendships do not stay the same. I hope someday that gets easier. Until then, I'll keep navigating the tricky waters.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Clean Slate, Open Heart
Happy New Year! One month from today I will celebrate 26 years of being alive on the planet Earth and 26 years of the joy-filled optimism of "Care Bear Bri." Many folks I know get on this side of 25 and feel they start the "downward" or "slippery slide" to 30. I don't quite understand it myself - I was not one of those children who had this "plan" mapped out in her head that "by such-and-such an age I'll be married, with kids, with this job" etc. I always figured I'd take it as it came, and things would happen when they're supposed to happen. I also think that my parents' divorce and my struggles with finding a boyfriend and friends who wouldn't bail on me throughout junior high and high school may have influenced that "lack of a plan." By the time I reached college, I was just trying to get myself together physically and emotionally and from there I became open to relationships and friendships. Even then, I didn't expect to be married within a few years... I felt so young! In some ways, I still do.
The only time that has ever been different was after my best friend got married in November 2006 and I started dating the man I came to expect I'd marry. Did I expect to marry him because so many of my friends were starting that process of getting engaged and married? I don't know. That would require an awful lot of in-depth overanalyzing and counseling. I was open to the relationship, though I had never had a crush on him, and quickly it became clear that we complemented each other in a lot of ways. We grew together, and we helped shape each other as adults. If that's all it was meant to be, that's a blessing in itself. It does prove that love can grow from unexpected places.
The sad part is, I'm surrounded by married and engaged people more now than I was 2 years ago when it all began. The good thing is that now I'm used to it, so I am not necessarily seeking it out or feeling lonely without it the same way I was then.
On the other hand, I do wish I had that partner to spend my life with, that one person who I could come home to every day and share the joys/struggles of the day with. I do wish I had that security, and that passion, that intimacy and that love. I once thought I had it, but it wasn't the right thing, and wasn't what God intended.
When the clock flipped over and it was officially 2009, I was relieved. 2008 was a rough year for me, and I was grateful for the chance to "start over" and have a "clean slate." I cut the ties I needed to cut, and I closed the door on the things I needed to close the door on. At least, I think I did. We'll see how long it lasts.
I do have a strong hope that this year will be a happier and healthier year than 2008 was - physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and relationally. I am excited about some aspects of my future that lay ahead - new grad school plans, the prospect of moving in with a good friend, continued building of my solid Chicago/Catholic relationships. However, there are some areas of my life where I'd like to be happier. I'm still in the midst of my "Retreat in Daily Life" (though it took a break over the holidays), and I think the Forgiveness/Birth sections will help me move to that next step of love and happiness I seek. At least, I hope they do.
Trust, Openness, and Letting Go - three attributes I'd like to hone this year. Let's see if it works!
The only time that has ever been different was after my best friend got married in November 2006 and I started dating the man I came to expect I'd marry. Did I expect to marry him because so many of my friends were starting that process of getting engaged and married? I don't know. That would require an awful lot of in-depth overanalyzing and counseling. I was open to the relationship, though I had never had a crush on him, and quickly it became clear that we complemented each other in a lot of ways. We grew together, and we helped shape each other as adults. If that's all it was meant to be, that's a blessing in itself. It does prove that love can grow from unexpected places.
The sad part is, I'm surrounded by married and engaged people more now than I was 2 years ago when it all began. The good thing is that now I'm used to it, so I am not necessarily seeking it out or feeling lonely without it the same way I was then.
On the other hand, I do wish I had that partner to spend my life with, that one person who I could come home to every day and share the joys/struggles of the day with. I do wish I had that security, and that passion, that intimacy and that love. I once thought I had it, but it wasn't the right thing, and wasn't what God intended.
When the clock flipped over and it was officially 2009, I was relieved. 2008 was a rough year for me, and I was grateful for the chance to "start over" and have a "clean slate." I cut the ties I needed to cut, and I closed the door on the things I needed to close the door on. At least, I think I did. We'll see how long it lasts.
I do have a strong hope that this year will be a happier and healthier year than 2008 was - physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and relationally. I am excited about some aspects of my future that lay ahead - new grad school plans, the prospect of moving in with a good friend, continued building of my solid Chicago/Catholic relationships. However, there are some areas of my life where I'd like to be happier. I'm still in the midst of my "Retreat in Daily Life" (though it took a break over the holidays), and I think the Forgiveness/Birth sections will help me move to that next step of love and happiness I seek. At least, I hope they do.
Trust, Openness, and Letting Go - three attributes I'd like to hone this year. Let's see if it works!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Connecting the Dots
A very merry Christmas to everyone who is out there, reading blogs and sharing in pieces of each other's lives - stranger or friend.
Last night at Christmas Eve Mass at St. Vincent DePaul Parish in Osseo, Minnesota, I enjoyed a multitude of Christmas carols in the midst of a beautiful service that included many tears after Communion and a poignant message during the homily.
Fr. Jack Long, who is one of my favorite preachers, presided over the Mass. The Gospel reading was interspersed with different Christmas carols, and Fr. Jack spoke during the homily about connecting the dots. In many ways, it was a commentary on how interconnected our lives are with each other, and how everything and every person has a purpose in God's greater plan. All the Old Testament folks - Abraham, Sarah, Moses, Aaron, Miriam, David, Saul, the prophets, Job, and countless others were another piece of the puzzle regarding God's plan and a representation of his love for the world and its people. When Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem, part of the picture came into focus, with a whole other picture just beginning.
It is also true in our lives. People and events represent different dots, different turning points in our paths. Each interaction changes us and sets us on a new version of the path we are on. It's amazing to watch over the course of even a few days or weeks (much less a few months or years) how our life takes shape. What I am doing with my life today - the job I have, the job/grad school options I am considering, the relationship I left behind in July, the relationships and friendships I seek out now - all of these things can be traced back to events in my childhood, in high school, in college, and beyond. I can look back now and see the influences, see that "if not for that person or that thing or that event, I would not be who, what, and where I am today."
I know that my journey is constant - it will never be over. Each day and year is a new adventure. Sometimes I wish I had a bit more consistency, that my life could be a bit more stable, that my heart and my ability to love unconditionally were a bit more open. But I know that those are goals for my life, and that my life is taking the shape it needs to take. I can't know for sure where I'm going or what will happen next, but I can continue shaping my life in the ways I think help make the world a better place, spread God's love a little bit farther, and help me find the true happiness I know is out there for me.
That doesn't mean it won't be hard. Look at all the dots in Jesus' background - in Christianity's history. They certainly did not have easy lives or simple roads. We all have our crosses to bear. Right now, mine is a continued search for healing and reconciliation, and a continued mending of my broken heart. Someday, I pray to God I will get there. I will keep trying, and I will keep walking down the path I'm on looking for the next open doors, the next signs, the next invitation to love. Someday, in time, love will heal it all.
Last night at Christmas Eve Mass at St. Vincent DePaul Parish in Osseo, Minnesota, I enjoyed a multitude of Christmas carols in the midst of a beautiful service that included many tears after Communion and a poignant message during the homily.
Fr. Jack Long, who is one of my favorite preachers, presided over the Mass. The Gospel reading was interspersed with different Christmas carols, and Fr. Jack spoke during the homily about connecting the dots. In many ways, it was a commentary on how interconnected our lives are with each other, and how everything and every person has a purpose in God's greater plan. All the Old Testament folks - Abraham, Sarah, Moses, Aaron, Miriam, David, Saul, the prophets, Job, and countless others were another piece of the puzzle regarding God's plan and a representation of his love for the world and its people. When Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem, part of the picture came into focus, with a whole other picture just beginning.
It is also true in our lives. People and events represent different dots, different turning points in our paths. Each interaction changes us and sets us on a new version of the path we are on. It's amazing to watch over the course of even a few days or weeks (much less a few months or years) how our life takes shape. What I am doing with my life today - the job I have, the job/grad school options I am considering, the relationship I left behind in July, the relationships and friendships I seek out now - all of these things can be traced back to events in my childhood, in high school, in college, and beyond. I can look back now and see the influences, see that "if not for that person or that thing or that event, I would not be who, what, and where I am today."
I know that my journey is constant - it will never be over. Each day and year is a new adventure. Sometimes I wish I had a bit more consistency, that my life could be a bit more stable, that my heart and my ability to love unconditionally were a bit more open. But I know that those are goals for my life, and that my life is taking the shape it needs to take. I can't know for sure where I'm going or what will happen next, but I can continue shaping my life in the ways I think help make the world a better place, spread God's love a little bit farther, and help me find the true happiness I know is out there for me.
That doesn't mean it won't be hard. Look at all the dots in Jesus' background - in Christianity's history. They certainly did not have easy lives or simple roads. We all have our crosses to bear. Right now, mine is a continued search for healing and reconciliation, and a continued mending of my broken heart. Someday, I pray to God I will get there. I will keep trying, and I will keep walking down the path I'm on looking for the next open doors, the next signs, the next invitation to love. Someday, in time, love will heal it all.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A Funny Way of Answering Prayers
I used the same phrase for the article I wrote in Company Magazine about my adventures in Australia for World Youth Day. And the phrase is just as appropriate today as it was in July!
A mere 36 hours after I ended a 4-day stretch of intense grieving and sadness and questioning, I had the opportunity to gather together with coworkers and friends to celebrate the holiday season. I forced myself into the holiday spirit... and God did not disappoint! I met a great guy named Nick, and we talked for over three hours at LG's party. He's different from me in so many ways, and different from any other guy I've been interested in before. He's so laidback and easygoing, which would normally drive the type-A personality in me nuts. But after being in a relationship that was so scheduled, so intense, and so combative (for lack of a better word), it's really nice to be interested in someone who just lives life one day at a time, doesn't stress too much about the future, doesn't plan months in advance (as far as I know), and has both intellect and faith that I find appealing. We've gone out once, and talked on the phone a few times. I'm enjoying whatever it is that's going on, and for once I'm not stressing about where it will go (if anywhere). Whatever happens, happens. It's a blessing to have that kind of peace, confidence, and contentment.
Yesterday I received the sacrament of Reconciliation for Advent. Recent reflections during this Retreat in Daily Life have helped me realize that sin is a rejection of God's love. I've spent a goodly amount of time praying about my sinfulness and prayerfully reflecting on my life and the ways in which I through my words, actions, silence, and inactions have rejected God's love. Specific instances with friends, families, significant others, coworkers, and myself have all surfaced. It was a true blessing to realize the grace of the sacrament, to acknowledge those areas of fault in my life, and to realize that I'm already forgiven and have a clean slate. I am excited to start 2009 with said clean slate! It's especially wonderful to have it at the beginning of this "relationship" (or whatever it might be) and to have it going into holiday time with my family and old friends.
The snow came down fast and heavy yesterday - a beautiful wonderland of fluffy white goodness, 4 inches deep. I found it breathtaking and peaceful. I pray that same peace and joy finds each of you this holiday season and into the new year!
A mere 36 hours after I ended a 4-day stretch of intense grieving and sadness and questioning, I had the opportunity to gather together with coworkers and friends to celebrate the holiday season. I forced myself into the holiday spirit... and God did not disappoint! I met a great guy named Nick, and we talked for over three hours at LG's party. He's different from me in so many ways, and different from any other guy I've been interested in before. He's so laidback and easygoing, which would normally drive the type-A personality in me nuts. But after being in a relationship that was so scheduled, so intense, and so combative (for lack of a better word), it's really nice to be interested in someone who just lives life one day at a time, doesn't stress too much about the future, doesn't plan months in advance (as far as I know), and has both intellect and faith that I find appealing. We've gone out once, and talked on the phone a few times. I'm enjoying whatever it is that's going on, and for once I'm not stressing about where it will go (if anywhere). Whatever happens, happens. It's a blessing to have that kind of peace, confidence, and contentment.
Yesterday I received the sacrament of Reconciliation for Advent. Recent reflections during this Retreat in Daily Life have helped me realize that sin is a rejection of God's love. I've spent a goodly amount of time praying about my sinfulness and prayerfully reflecting on my life and the ways in which I through my words, actions, silence, and inactions have rejected God's love. Specific instances with friends, families, significant others, coworkers, and myself have all surfaced. It was a true blessing to realize the grace of the sacrament, to acknowledge those areas of fault in my life, and to realize that I'm already forgiven and have a clean slate. I am excited to start 2009 with said clean slate! It's especially wonderful to have it at the beginning of this "relationship" (or whatever it might be) and to have it going into holiday time with my family and old friends.
The snow came down fast and heavy yesterday - a beautiful wonderland of fluffy white goodness, 4 inches deep. I found it breathtaking and peaceful. I pray that same peace and joy finds each of you this holiday season and into the new year!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Holiday Blahs
I've been asked so many times in the past four months if I regret the decision I made to break up with Sully. My mom actually articulated it well - "You're glad you made the decision because you know it was the right one, but you wish you hadn't HAD to make the decision."
I love him and will always love him. Someday I hope I will be able to let go enough not to hurt or be sad when I think about him, not to be jealous thinking about him and whatever girl he's with at the time (even if he's with the same girl he's with right now), and to really move on with my own life. I had been doing well with that during the months of October and most of November. But then my friend Suzette got married, college basketball season started, and the holidays arrived. Memories and sentimentality abound. The next month (or two or three) will be hard. January is always my down month. The past 2-3 years, no matter what I did, I couldn't shake the moody gloomy depression-type melancholy of January. It sucks. February is normally what I get excited for - my birthday, the height of college hoops, etc. Except February is also when Sully's birthday and Valentine's Day occur. And the height of college hoops, which was fun throughout college, was only GREAT the past two years because he and I shared it so intensely.
Once again I am surrounding myself with friends and activities to keep myself occupied and away from my house and my couch, where I would likely spend too much time crying, overthinking, missing him, watching stupid tv, etc. Every time I am reminded of what I don't have (him, his family, his friends that became my friends then weren't any more after we broke up), I have to consciously remind myself of all that i DO have. I have the most amazing friends, many of whom are so supportive of this grieving process I'm just in awe. I have relatively fulfilling work and volunteer activities, though I wish I could delve into some things with a bit more substance (I wish I could afford to...) I have family who loves and supports me too.
Christmas will be sad - there's no getting around it. Last year I cried for Grandma; this year I'll cry for Sully and for Rascal (my 17.5 year old cat that died in September). But the blessing of Advent is that it's a reminder of the joy, peace, and comfort that comes from believing in Christ Jesus and saying yes to his invitation and call. So that's what I'll try to remember to do.
I love him and will always love him. Someday I hope I will be able to let go enough not to hurt or be sad when I think about him, not to be jealous thinking about him and whatever girl he's with at the time (even if he's with the same girl he's with right now), and to really move on with my own life. I had been doing well with that during the months of October and most of November. But then my friend Suzette got married, college basketball season started, and the holidays arrived. Memories and sentimentality abound. The next month (or two or three) will be hard. January is always my down month. The past 2-3 years, no matter what I did, I couldn't shake the moody gloomy depression-type melancholy of January. It sucks. February is normally what I get excited for - my birthday, the height of college hoops, etc. Except February is also when Sully's birthday and Valentine's Day occur. And the height of college hoops, which was fun throughout college, was only GREAT the past two years because he and I shared it so intensely.
Once again I am surrounding myself with friends and activities to keep myself occupied and away from my house and my couch, where I would likely spend too much time crying, overthinking, missing him, watching stupid tv, etc. Every time I am reminded of what I don't have (him, his family, his friends that became my friends then weren't any more after we broke up), I have to consciously remind myself of all that i DO have. I have the most amazing friends, many of whom are so supportive of this grieving process I'm just in awe. I have relatively fulfilling work and volunteer activities, though I wish I could delve into some things with a bit more substance (I wish I could afford to...) I have family who loves and supports me too.
Christmas will be sad - there's no getting around it. Last year I cried for Grandma; this year I'll cry for Sully and for Rascal (my 17.5 year old cat that died in September). But the blessing of Advent is that it's a reminder of the joy, peace, and comfort that comes from believing in Christ Jesus and saying yes to his invitation and call. So that's what I'll try to remember to do.
Monday, November 24, 2008
2009 - Wedding Season has turned into Baby Season!
Well I'll be doggone... As I prepared for my friends Suzette and Nathan's wedding a few weeks back, I was so excited because it was my LAST wedding for a good long while! I have no other weddings scheduled anywhere in the near or distant future - NONE for 2009, and none officially past that! After spending the past two years attending at least 10 weddings, I was ready for the landslide to be OVER.
However, when one good thing ends, theoretically another good thing is just beginning! "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..." Yep, that's right - 2009 has officially become Baby Year! Two of my favorite college couples will be welcoming babies next year, as will two of my coworkers. Added to that, my mom's best friend's son and daughter-in-law will also be expecting their first-born, which for them is a true miracle.
It's a very exciting time of year, and something I have no problem being joyful about! Weddings are wonderful, but after a while they can get redundant. It'll be nice to spoil some brand-new babies in 2009 instead!
However, when one good thing ends, theoretically another good thing is just beginning! "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..." Yep, that's right - 2009 has officially become Baby Year! Two of my favorite college couples will be welcoming babies next year, as will two of my coworkers. Added to that, my mom's best friend's son and daughter-in-law will also be expecting their first-born, which for them is a true miracle.
It's a very exciting time of year, and something I have no problem being joyful about! Weddings are wonderful, but after a while they can get redundant. It'll be nice to spoil some brand-new babies in 2009 instead!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)