Holiday Blahs

I've been asked so many times in the past four months if I regret the decision I made to break up with Sully. My mom actually articulated it well - "You're glad you made the decision because you know it was the right one, but you wish you hadn't HAD to make the decision."

I love him and will always love him. Someday I hope I will be able to let go enough not to hurt or be sad when I think about him, not to be jealous thinking about him and whatever girl he's with at the time (even if he's with the same girl he's with right now), and to really move on with my own life. I had been doing well with that during the months of October and most of November. But then my friend Suzette got married, college basketball season started, and the holidays arrived. Memories and sentimentality abound. The next month (or two or three) will be hard. January is always my down month. The past 2-3 years, no matter what I did, I couldn't shake the moody gloomy depression-type melancholy of January. It sucks. February is normally what I get excited for - my birthday, the height of college hoops, etc. Except February is also when Sully's birthday and Valentine's Day occur. And the height of college hoops, which was fun throughout college, was only GREAT the past two years because he and I shared it so intensely.

Once again I am surrounding myself with friends and activities to keep myself occupied and away from my house and my couch, where I would likely spend too much time crying, overthinking, missing him, watching stupid tv, etc. Every time I am reminded of what I don't have (him, his family, his friends that became my friends then weren't any more after we broke up), I have to consciously remind myself of all that i DO have. I have the most amazing friends, many of whom are so supportive of this grieving process I'm just in awe. I have relatively fulfilling work and volunteer activities, though I wish I could delve into some things with a bit more substance (I wish I could afford to...) I have family who loves and supports me too.

Christmas will be sad - there's no getting around it. Last year I cried for Grandma; this year I'll cry for Sully and for Rascal (my 17.5 year old cat that died in September). But the blessing of Advent is that it's a reminder of the joy, peace, and comfort that comes from believing in Christ Jesus and saying yes to his invitation and call. So that's what I'll try to remember to do.