Loving Detachment

My faith is such that the concept of "fate" to me does not mean this cosmic plan I have no control over. To me, "fate" is more aligned to "God moments" - those moments when it seems the universe waited and conspired to make something happen at a given time because it was the RIGHT time.

Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.

I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)