Vicious Cycles

We as human beings get ourselves caught into vicious cycles of thinking, speaking, and behaving. We convince ourselves that things have to be a certain way in order for something to make sense, feel right, or have that "happy ending." Sometimes we have realistic expectations or valid concerns; sometimes we make things a lot more challenging and difficult than they need to be. We try to protect ourselves and end up hurting ourselves instead.

So how do we know when we're doing the right thing and when we need to back off, cool our jets, and just "let love in" or "let things go"? If I had the answer to that, I'd be a very rich women writing the best-selling book of all time. It takes practice, I do know that. It takes self-awareness, a WILLINGNESS to change, and an ability to forgive yourself and others for not being "perfect." This doesn't mean you can't have expectations or standards - it just means you have to really look at those expectations and standards and ask yourself, "Do I have these because I'm afraid or do I have these because I legitimately know it's what I need to be happy?"

I didn't used to find myself watching movies or reading a book and wishing my life could be like the characters. Sure I'd have moments of "oh that'd be nice" but it would quickly give way to "that stuff doesn't happen - it's only idealized/exaggerated because it's a movie or book." But I'll tell you this - the last few months of my relationship and these past 5 months without him have proven this to me - just because it doesn't seem realistic doesn't mean it's not possible, and doesn't mean we can't dream for it.

This will pass, but when it does, will I regret the decision and mourn forever what I lost? Will I ever get to a point of being really okay with how things are? If he marries her, will I be able to handle it? I've lost him, now his sister (and because of that probably his family), and who knows what friendships may eventually wither away too. The bitch (and sometimes blessing) of growing up is that relationships and friendships do not stay the same. I hope someday that gets easier. Until then, I'll keep navigating the tricky waters.