Clean Slate, Open Heart

Happy New Year! One month from today I will celebrate 26 years of being alive on the planet Earth and 26 years of the joy-filled optimism of "Care Bear Bri." Many folks I know get on this side of 25 and feel they start the "downward" or "slippery slide" to 30. I don't quite understand it myself - I was not one of those children who had this "plan" mapped out in her head that "by such-and-such an age I'll be married, with kids, with this job" etc. I always figured I'd take it as it came, and things would happen when they're supposed to happen. I also think that my parents' divorce and my struggles with finding a boyfriend and friends who wouldn't bail on me throughout junior high and high school may have influenced that "lack of a plan." By the time I reached college, I was just trying to get myself together physically and emotionally and from there I became open to relationships and friendships. Even then, I didn't expect to be married within a few years... I felt so young! In some ways, I still do.

The only time that has ever been different was after my best friend got married in November 2006 and I started dating the man I came to expect I'd marry. Did I expect to marry him because so many of my friends were starting that process of getting engaged and married? I don't know. That would require an awful lot of in-depth overanalyzing and counseling. I was open to the relationship, though I had never had a crush on him, and quickly it became clear that we complemented each other in a lot of ways. We grew together, and we helped shape each other as adults. If that's all it was meant to be, that's a blessing in itself. It does prove that love can grow from unexpected places.

The sad part is, I'm surrounded by married and engaged people more now than I was 2 years ago when it all began. The good thing is that now I'm used to it, so I am not necessarily seeking it out or feeling lonely without it the same way I was then.

On the other hand, I do wish I had that partner to spend my life with, that one person who I could come home to every day and share the joys/struggles of the day with. I do wish I had that security, and that passion, that intimacy and that love. I once thought I had it, but it wasn't the right thing, and wasn't what God intended.

When the clock flipped over and it was officially 2009, I was relieved. 2008 was a rough year for me, and I was grateful for the chance to "start over" and have a "clean slate." I cut the ties I needed to cut, and I closed the door on the things I needed to close the door on. At least, I think I did. We'll see how long it lasts.

I do have a strong hope that this year will be a happier and healthier year than 2008 was - physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and relationally. I am excited about some aspects of my future that lay ahead - new grad school plans, the prospect of moving in with a good friend, continued building of my solid Chicago/Catholic relationships. However, there are some areas of my life where I'd like to be happier. I'm still in the midst of my "Retreat in Daily Life" (though it took a break over the holidays), and I think the Forgiveness/Birth sections will help me move to that next step of love and happiness I seek. At least, I hope they do.

Trust, Openness, and Letting Go - three attributes I'd like to hone this year. Let's see if it works!