In checking on my list of blog posts, I noticed a number of them had never been finished, and some of them needed to be! This one was begun in February of last year, in the midst of a heartbreaking time in my life. I had ended a really important long-term relationship with a man I had hoped and expected to marry in August 2008. Getting through the holidays was really rough, and January/February ended up being extremely low months for me. I'd experienced depression before, my freshman year of college. At that time, I felt isolated, lonely, bored, had low self-esteem, and didn't have any foundation or support. This time around, while I was experiencing grief the likes of which I hope I only ever experience again when my parents pass away, I also had more of my shit together. While the pain was at times unbearable, I had my faith, I had good friends, and I had activities that kept me going. I was participating in what's known as the 19th Annotation Retreat, or the Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life. St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote the Spiritual Exercises when he founded the Society of Jesus (Jesuit) order. It was intended to be a 30-day retreat, but the 19th Annotation stated the retreat could be done in the course of one's daily life because not everyone can take a month off to do a retreat. While this is a sad reality, it is a blessing to know the retreat is adaptable. I strongly believe that going through this retreat, which works it's way through five major themes (Love, Forgiveness, Surrender, Birth, and Freedom), helped me work through the stages of grief listed below in a healthy and natural progression. Before I go any further, I'll share the start of last year's journal entry:
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
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