Oooh Boy. Just when you think you've got one set of demons somewhat dealt with, a whole new batch of them comes wailing down the pipes. "Hello! Yoohoo! Over here! Did you forget about me? Just wanted to make sure you knew I was still around."
God almighty. I did not see this coming. I literally hadn't felt so awful in years, at least three years to be exact. All the old feelings of not being good enough came roaring up out of nowhere. I had the most amazing weekend, feeling beautiful, sexy, confident, happy, fun-loving, making close connections with girlfriends, strengthening my spirituality, feeling so good. SO GOOD. And out of freaking NOWHERE comes this torrent of negative self-defeating nasty ugly awful thoughts. Obsession. Constant looking outside of myself to feel better. LIES LIES LIES.
The good thing is, I know it's all crap. Those feelings and thoughts no longer fit who I am. They are currently making an attempt on my life, my progress, my recovery, my beautiful loving kind generous creative articulate kind fun-loving nature. But they are not going to win. HELL NO. Because this time, this time I have tools. I have the love of a God my understanding who cares about me, has a plan for me, sees me as I really am and accepts me unconditionally. I have friends in program I can call, text, or email when I'm having a bad day or feeling this way. I have a sponsor who is there for me, who listens, who can challenge me and support me in this whole recovery process. I have tricks and tools and I am going to kick this negativity's ass.
My sponsor tells me that this program is about tearing down the ego and getting rid of our fears. But the ego does not give up without a fight. It gets scared, scared of change, scared of not being in control, scared of freedom to live life on life's terms and scared of being loved. She said that these feelings are appropriate to where I'm at in the steps and in recovery... I'm on my 8th step, writing down the people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all. Harder than the 4th step, because now I have to actually admit my character defects. I have to actually write how I was arrogant, judgmental, controlling, rigid, jealous, etc. And I know the next step is admitting it out loud, and apologizing directly for some of those things. So instead of turning my trust over to God and surrendering to his will and believing in his love, I turn to obsession and fear and control and self-will.
The feelings aren't going away easily, and I don't like the way they're manifesting themselves (especially the obsession). But I think, or at least I hope, I'm causing too much harm with them. There are some pretty wonderful people in my life I would hate to push away and ruin things with by my crazy thinking. However, I think most of those people know I'm on a journey of self-improvement and can recognize the ebb and flow of it, and have patience and acceptance and tolerance with it.
That's my prayer... for them and for myself.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Surrender versus Self-Will
I will try to be responsibly brief tonight, but this topic is a concept I've struggled with for a long time and have recently been exploring in much greater detail. One of the reasons I came into program, whether I realized it at the time or not, was that my way of doing things was not working anymore. I was not finding the ultimate key to happiness, I did not seem to be able to change my behavior or at least the outcomes resulting from my behavior, and I could not figure out what to do. I was at a loss.
As I've listened over the years and worked the first 7 steps of Al-Anon, I've come to realize that I was totally reliant on self-will before program and THAT was my biggest problem. For the longest time, since I was a little girl, I thought that things had to be done my way and in my time frame. I thought that I could only rely on myself because everyone else kept letting me down. My friends all abandoned me, my mom was always working, my dad wasn't available, my teachers were great but they were teachers they weren't part of my every day social life, etc. It was all about "them" and all about the external forces not meeting my expectations. I thought it was all up to me, and therefore I couldn't be happy or content if things weren't done to my specifications or "desires."
Well, you can imagine where that kind of thinking got me. "Restless, irritable, and discontent." Luckily, I'm not an alcoholic nor am I a drug addict. I did not look for a substance to fill the empty spaces in my life. I may have felt depressed and actually BEEN depressed for short periods of time, and felt alone and unlovable. But I didn't turn to alcohol and I didn't turn to substances.
I did, however, keep looking outside of myself for that "something" that would make me feel okay and fill me up spiritually. I tried looking for God in religion, going to Mass regularly and going on retreats and trying small faith-sharing groups, etc. When Sully and I were together, I thought sharing in faith-related things was essential to the long-term happiness of our relationship. What I didn't realize is I was still relying on something outside of me to fill me up and make things okay. I was still relying on self-will, because if I controlled Sully, our relationship, our mutual participation in faith-based activities, the conversations we had, the topics we covered, etc., everything would be okay. It was all up to me.
I was so selfish and self-seeking and self-absorbed. I was judgmental and consumed by self-indulgent self-will. When did I ever just say, "God, I believe you have my best interest at heart. I believe you have me in your care. I trust that your will will be done if I just turn it over to you." I didn't. I didn't know how to say those things, not with a true spirit of surrender. I would pray that, but think of all the ways I could help make his will happen. Right. Not helpful.
In the last year, I've spent time writing about my part in certain relationships and where I was wrong in certain situations. I've come to see where my self-will and my inability to see God in a given situation has caused harm and has led to irritability and discontent, not peace and serenity. I've slowly come to learn, bit by bit, inch by inch, what surrender looks like.
Today, what surrender looks like is this - I do truly believe God has my life in his care. I don't know what it's going to look like in a week, two weeks, two months, two years. I may have an idea of what I think I'd like to happen, but I don't spend much time thinking about it, because in reality I realize I just don't know. I have seen my life, my feelings, my emotions, my energy change from day to day and week to week, and I've watched things pop into my life I would not have seen coming no matter how hard I looked. I am so blessed, and I am so grateful for the miracles and gifts and blessings I experience every day.
One of the areas I find hardest to surrender my will to is regarding relationships. I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it more in the future I'm sure. I think I know what I want - marriage, a family, a partner, kids of my own, etc - but even writing my "ideal relationship" I now realize I really don't know what I want or what God has planned for me. I have no idea. I am open to whatever God puts in my path. I am going to keep doing the footwork - keep working on my steps, keeping showing up as a friend to the women and men I've become friends with in program (especially one man I could potentially be interested in), to talk to my parents every week, to do little action steps around getting my financial affairs in order, etc. In regards to that one man, I have so much to learn about surrendering. We've been friends for a while now, and although I've found him attractive since I met him, most of the time we've known each other we've been just friends. We have developed a really strong friendship, and part of me believes I would be just as happy having him as an older brother type figure as a potential partner. Because I don't really know what either scenario would look like, and I honestly don't know which one is more in our best interests according to God's will and plan for us. But I very frequently have to literally pause in my place (standing, walking, whatever), take a deep breath and let it out long and low, let go of the feeling of spinning and anxiety and worry, and just say "I trust you God. I have no idea what your plan is for me/us. I believe we are both in your care and you love us and want what's best for us and more will be revealed in your time." It helps, it really truly helps.
It also helps being able to talk about it. My roommate knows, but it's hard to talk about it with her frequently because it gets obsessive and if I feel that way I know it's time to stop. Same with my sponsor - she knows, and I'll keep telling her if I'm feeling overwhelmed, and then I'll her what my prayer is and what my actions are, and we'll go from there. It's enough that she knows and I can tell her, but she often just tells me (in different ways and with different suggestions) to turn it over, where is God in it, let it go, if it's meant to happen it will happen. I've told a couple non-program friends, but they don't fully understand Al-Anon so being able to advise and empathize in this situation is somewhat limited. Which is why I was so grateful this past weekend I was finally able to tell two program friends about it... one because she asked if this guy and I were dating (say what?! she said she sensed a vibe there) and the other because the need to share came up as we spent time together on the way home from the conference. I'm so relieved and grateful to now have 3 program friends who know, because they can give me the program speak I need and ALSO give me the girlfriend empathy I also desperately need. I'm so so so grateful to have found a way to get that off my chest. It's such a blessing. We're only as sick as our secrets and being able to name it out loud to people, appropriate trustworthy people in appropriate places and situations, helps me surrender and not stay stuck in my head (which is a form of self-will).
So now I send this to the void... I pray for peace and restfulness tonight. I pray for the man I mentioned tonight, another man who I think will be disappointed I no longer wish to reciprocate flirtations with, and a prayer for acceptance and patience with whatever ultimate plan God has for me and the length of time it takes for it to be revealed. Amen.
(so much for responsibly brief... sorry!)
As I've listened over the years and worked the first 7 steps of Al-Anon, I've come to realize that I was totally reliant on self-will before program and THAT was my biggest problem. For the longest time, since I was a little girl, I thought that things had to be done my way and in my time frame. I thought that I could only rely on myself because everyone else kept letting me down. My friends all abandoned me, my mom was always working, my dad wasn't available, my teachers were great but they were teachers they weren't part of my every day social life, etc. It was all about "them" and all about the external forces not meeting my expectations. I thought it was all up to me, and therefore I couldn't be happy or content if things weren't done to my specifications or "desires."
Well, you can imagine where that kind of thinking got me. "Restless, irritable, and discontent." Luckily, I'm not an alcoholic nor am I a drug addict. I did not look for a substance to fill the empty spaces in my life. I may have felt depressed and actually BEEN depressed for short periods of time, and felt alone and unlovable. But I didn't turn to alcohol and I didn't turn to substances.
I did, however, keep looking outside of myself for that "something" that would make me feel okay and fill me up spiritually. I tried looking for God in religion, going to Mass regularly and going on retreats and trying small faith-sharing groups, etc. When Sully and I were together, I thought sharing in faith-related things was essential to the long-term happiness of our relationship. What I didn't realize is I was still relying on something outside of me to fill me up and make things okay. I was still relying on self-will, because if I controlled Sully, our relationship, our mutual participation in faith-based activities, the conversations we had, the topics we covered, etc., everything would be okay. It was all up to me.
I was so selfish and self-seeking and self-absorbed. I was judgmental and consumed by self-indulgent self-will. When did I ever just say, "God, I believe you have my best interest at heart. I believe you have me in your care. I trust that your will will be done if I just turn it over to you." I didn't. I didn't know how to say those things, not with a true spirit of surrender. I would pray that, but think of all the ways I could help make his will happen. Right. Not helpful.
In the last year, I've spent time writing about my part in certain relationships and where I was wrong in certain situations. I've come to see where my self-will and my inability to see God in a given situation has caused harm and has led to irritability and discontent, not peace and serenity. I've slowly come to learn, bit by bit, inch by inch, what surrender looks like.
Today, what surrender looks like is this - I do truly believe God has my life in his care. I don't know what it's going to look like in a week, two weeks, two months, two years. I may have an idea of what I think I'd like to happen, but I don't spend much time thinking about it, because in reality I realize I just don't know. I have seen my life, my feelings, my emotions, my energy change from day to day and week to week, and I've watched things pop into my life I would not have seen coming no matter how hard I looked. I am so blessed, and I am so grateful for the miracles and gifts and blessings I experience every day.
One of the areas I find hardest to surrender my will to is regarding relationships. I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it more in the future I'm sure. I think I know what I want - marriage, a family, a partner, kids of my own, etc - but even writing my "ideal relationship" I now realize I really don't know what I want or what God has planned for me. I have no idea. I am open to whatever God puts in my path. I am going to keep doing the footwork - keep working on my steps, keeping showing up as a friend to the women and men I've become friends with in program (especially one man I could potentially be interested in), to talk to my parents every week, to do little action steps around getting my financial affairs in order, etc. In regards to that one man, I have so much to learn about surrendering. We've been friends for a while now, and although I've found him attractive since I met him, most of the time we've known each other we've been just friends. We have developed a really strong friendship, and part of me believes I would be just as happy having him as an older brother type figure as a potential partner. Because I don't really know what either scenario would look like, and I honestly don't know which one is more in our best interests according to God's will and plan for us. But I very frequently have to literally pause in my place (standing, walking, whatever), take a deep breath and let it out long and low, let go of the feeling of spinning and anxiety and worry, and just say "I trust you God. I have no idea what your plan is for me/us. I believe we are both in your care and you love us and want what's best for us and more will be revealed in your time." It helps, it really truly helps.
It also helps being able to talk about it. My roommate knows, but it's hard to talk about it with her frequently because it gets obsessive and if I feel that way I know it's time to stop. Same with my sponsor - she knows, and I'll keep telling her if I'm feeling overwhelmed, and then I'll her what my prayer is and what my actions are, and we'll go from there. It's enough that she knows and I can tell her, but she often just tells me (in different ways and with different suggestions) to turn it over, where is God in it, let it go, if it's meant to happen it will happen. I've told a couple non-program friends, but they don't fully understand Al-Anon so being able to advise and empathize in this situation is somewhat limited. Which is why I was so grateful this past weekend I was finally able to tell two program friends about it... one because she asked if this guy and I were dating (say what?! she said she sensed a vibe there) and the other because the need to share came up as we spent time together on the way home from the conference. I'm so relieved and grateful to now have 3 program friends who know, because they can give me the program speak I need and ALSO give me the girlfriend empathy I also desperately need. I'm so so so grateful to have found a way to get that off my chest. It's such a blessing. We're only as sick as our secrets and being able to name it out loud to people, appropriate trustworthy people in appropriate places and situations, helps me surrender and not stay stuck in my head (which is a form of self-will).
So now I send this to the void... I pray for peace and restfulness tonight. I pray for the man I mentioned tonight, another man who I think will be disappointed I no longer wish to reciprocate flirtations with, and a prayer for acceptance and patience with whatever ultimate plan God has for me and the length of time it takes for it to be revealed. Amen.
(so much for responsibly brief... sorry!)
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Profoundness
I had the pleasure of hearing a two amazing leads this week at two of my regular meetings. After not going to meetings for 10 days over the holidays, I was able to get back into the routine and go to four this week... MUCH needed after the holidays and all the "stuff" and stuck-ness I've been feeling lately.
At my Wednesday meeting, the person who spoke is someone I have a great deal of respect for, both as a person and as a fellow member of our program. I almost always take away a nugget of goodness when he speaks, because he speaks with honesty, clarity, creativity, and a quiet spiritual wisdom that resonates so strongly in me. He is definitely a vehicle for my God to speak to me, because I usually hear exactly what I need to hear when he shares.
Well, neither God nor my friend disappointed that night. It was one of the most touching leads I've heard in program... He talked about his dad ending up in the ICU over the holidays and how the program has helped carry him through the situation. He talked some about how the program has shown him that everyone is carried by God, and how he has learned to let them be in God's care, even if it's not how he thinks it should be or the way he thought it would look. He talked about finding the gifts and moments of miracle and blessing... Basically taking stock of gratitude. He also talked about how he's learned two things are very powerful in times like this - love and medicine - and he now knows which one is his responsibility/in his control.
Given where I've been at lately, it was such a great lead to hear. I've had to constantly remind myself that God has my life and the lives of those around me in his care. My will has not served me well, so trusting someone or something greater than myself seems the wiser choice (but by God the harder choice). I do a daily gratitude list, but sometimes it is so hard to see the gifts in my struggles. My struggle with intimacy, for example, and letting myself just be close with someone without inventing crazy expectations to go with it... What are the gifts there? Something to consider. And the struggles with money, and being a broke student... The gifts there are definitely a willingness to accept help (and ask for it) from others, to accept (with humility) others' generosity, to realize life is so much more than material goods and recognize what I really can live happily without (and what needs really do need to be met versus frivolous needs). But remembering those gifts can be hard.
And the part about love... My uncle passed away 10 years ago New Year's Day and my grandma passed 5 years ago this February. They were such examples of faith in God, love, and service. God carried them, and God showed me how to love through them. My goal in life IS to love... Love God, love myself, love others. It is often hard to love myself, and to show up for others (which is love) but it's something I'm learning to do "slowly & haltingly, occasionally with great bursts of brilliance." I have to remind myself on a daily basis what is the loving response to the people in my life - friends, family members, coworkers, customers, CTA workers, strangers, etc. Sometimes it's a smile, or a listening ear, or keeping my mouth shut, or saying thank you, or letting someone else go first... I'm still learning and growing in that arena.
As if I didn't have enough to think about, pray on, and consider after that lead, today I went to an open AA meeting I often attend. The lead was given by a guy I've heard share in the meetings before, and the topic was so profound and so appropriate to hear today. He spoke on the topic "In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less and desire humility more than ever" (page 75, chapter on Step 7 in the AA "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" book.) The speaker identified three kinds of pain - pain of "life stuff" (the shit that happens), pain caused by bad actions, and pain caused by spiritual growth. All of those instances of pain lead to humility in different ways. The first kind of pain teaches us it's not all about us, and helps us find humility through being of service and continuing to show up even when it's hard and uncomfortable. The second kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us to see the truth in the mirror and make the appropriate amends and learn to change our behavior. The last kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us the freedom to believe God has our lives in his control and that spiritual growth is a healthy and important part of our lives. When we accept that the pain comes from spiritual growth, we can accept the discomfort and try to live through it without trying to fix, manage, control, or change it.
Man. For someone working on her Step 8 (making a list of people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all), this is super important. My character defects flare up in my face regularly, and though I'm not always able to take contrary action, I'm at least aware of them. I learn humility by allowing myself to be HUMAN. I can make mistakes. As long as I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines and work towards change and more spiritually healthy attitudes and actions.
One major area I'm learning to grow along spiritual lines is the idea that love doesn't have to always have labels or fit into a category or box. Sometimes it's enough just to say "I love you" and/or hear someone say "Love you too" without assigning meaning or expectation to it. This is a big opportunity for me to learn and grow - I am so used to trying to meet what I think another person's expectations are for me (as a friend or potential romantic partner or coworker) that I forget all I'm asked to do is be ME. I don't always know what that means or how to do that. I'm learning I have to learn to love myself and BE myself before I can accept love in ANY form from someone else. Which is why sometimes it is just ENOUGH to say and receive an "I Love You" without it meaning anything other than the unconditional love of God shown through that person.
I don't say "I love you" to very many people... girlfriends for sure, family definitely. But I'm starting to learn how to say it more, and to experience that vulnerability and intimacy in my life. I sure hope I can continue to grow in this area... loving myself, and learning to accept love JUST AS IT IS from others.
So much to think and reflect on! What a fabulous week of spiritual growth and recovery it's been... I'm so grateful for this program.
At my Wednesday meeting, the person who spoke is someone I have a great deal of respect for, both as a person and as a fellow member of our program. I almost always take away a nugget of goodness when he speaks, because he speaks with honesty, clarity, creativity, and a quiet spiritual wisdom that resonates so strongly in me. He is definitely a vehicle for my God to speak to me, because I usually hear exactly what I need to hear when he shares.
Well, neither God nor my friend disappointed that night. It was one of the most touching leads I've heard in program... He talked about his dad ending up in the ICU over the holidays and how the program has helped carry him through the situation. He talked some about how the program has shown him that everyone is carried by God, and how he has learned to let them be in God's care, even if it's not how he thinks it should be or the way he thought it would look. He talked about finding the gifts and moments of miracle and blessing... Basically taking stock of gratitude. He also talked about how he's learned two things are very powerful in times like this - love and medicine - and he now knows which one is his responsibility/in his control.
Given where I've been at lately, it was such a great lead to hear. I've had to constantly remind myself that God has my life and the lives of those around me in his care. My will has not served me well, so trusting someone or something greater than myself seems the wiser choice (but by God the harder choice). I do a daily gratitude list, but sometimes it is so hard to see the gifts in my struggles. My struggle with intimacy, for example, and letting myself just be close with someone without inventing crazy expectations to go with it... What are the gifts there? Something to consider. And the struggles with money, and being a broke student... The gifts there are definitely a willingness to accept help (and ask for it) from others, to accept (with humility) others' generosity, to realize life is so much more than material goods and recognize what I really can live happily without (and what needs really do need to be met versus frivolous needs). But remembering those gifts can be hard.
And the part about love... My uncle passed away 10 years ago New Year's Day and my grandma passed 5 years ago this February. They were such examples of faith in God, love, and service. God carried them, and God showed me how to love through them. My goal in life IS to love... Love God, love myself, love others. It is often hard to love myself, and to show up for others (which is love) but it's something I'm learning to do "slowly & haltingly, occasionally with great bursts of brilliance." I have to remind myself on a daily basis what is the loving response to the people in my life - friends, family members, coworkers, customers, CTA workers, strangers, etc. Sometimes it's a smile, or a listening ear, or keeping my mouth shut, or saying thank you, or letting someone else go first... I'm still learning and growing in that arena.
As if I didn't have enough to think about, pray on, and consider after that lead, today I went to an open AA meeting I often attend. The lead was given by a guy I've heard share in the meetings before, and the topic was so profound and so appropriate to hear today. He spoke on the topic "In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less and desire humility more than ever" (page 75, chapter on Step 7 in the AA "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" book.) The speaker identified three kinds of pain - pain of "life stuff" (the shit that happens), pain caused by bad actions, and pain caused by spiritual growth. All of those instances of pain lead to humility in different ways. The first kind of pain teaches us it's not all about us, and helps us find humility through being of service and continuing to show up even when it's hard and uncomfortable. The second kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us to see the truth in the mirror and make the appropriate amends and learn to change our behavior. The last kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us the freedom to believe God has our lives in his control and that spiritual growth is a healthy and important part of our lives. When we accept that the pain comes from spiritual growth, we can accept the discomfort and try to live through it without trying to fix, manage, control, or change it.
Man. For someone working on her Step 8 (making a list of people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all), this is super important. My character defects flare up in my face regularly, and though I'm not always able to take contrary action, I'm at least aware of them. I learn humility by allowing myself to be HUMAN. I can make mistakes. As long as I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines and work towards change and more spiritually healthy attitudes and actions.
One major area I'm learning to grow along spiritual lines is the idea that love doesn't have to always have labels or fit into a category or box. Sometimes it's enough just to say "I love you" and/or hear someone say "Love you too" without assigning meaning or expectation to it. This is a big opportunity for me to learn and grow - I am so used to trying to meet what I think another person's expectations are for me (as a friend or potential romantic partner or coworker) that I forget all I'm asked to do is be ME. I don't always know what that means or how to do that. I'm learning I have to learn to love myself and BE myself before I can accept love in ANY form from someone else. Which is why sometimes it is just ENOUGH to say and receive an "I Love You" without it meaning anything other than the unconditional love of God shown through that person.
I don't say "I love you" to very many people... girlfriends for sure, family definitely. But I'm starting to learn how to say it more, and to experience that vulnerability and intimacy in my life. I sure hope I can continue to grow in this area... loving myself, and learning to accept love JUST AS IT IS from others.
So much to think and reflect on! What a fabulous week of spiritual growth and recovery it's been... I'm so grateful for this program.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Know Thyself
One of my favorite blogs to catch up on is The Happiness Project, a fun-loving look at how to be a happy person and live a happy life. Sometimes the posts are silly, but more often than not I find something really relevant that gets me thinking.
A recent post looked back on the Happiness Project Challenge for 2011. The author posted periodically throughout the year on topics related to becoming happier. One was about knowing thyself. She asks, "Is self-knowledge THE key to happiness?" After looking back on some of her tips for self-awareness -- knowing who your personal patron saints (inspirations) are, what are your anxiety "tells", and observing what you already do to help you find clues to what makes you happy -- a light bulb seems to turn on and she ponders whether the journey of self-discovery is in fact simultaneously embedded with the journey towards happiness.
I have to say, I think it is. Over the years, I've done a lot of self-reflecting. On retreats, in spiritual direction, in counseling, trying out different careers and hobbies, looking at my personality characteristics (Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, even my Zodiac sign), and now in Al-Anon, the more I've become aware of myself, the more at peace I've been. Once I learn something, I can usually accept it. Knowledge becomes a tool to both improve areas I need to improve and strengthen the areas that are already strong or good. In Al-Anon, it's about helping remove defects of character and build on my character assets. In spirituality, it's about recognizing the gifts and talents I get from God and building a life focused on using those to serve other people, not trying to force happiness or force talents that aren't as strong or natural.
I don't know who my patron saints are. Perhaps over this next year I'll spend some time reading about people and seeing who could be on that list. What do I do? I can take stock of those activities too, and see what they say about me. And identifying my "tells" - these are great little tricks to learn more about myself and find more peace and serenity.
Today was an amazing day. No real reason, just a day I felt completely myself and loved who I was and what I was able to do. Days like this are truly the best kind of days. Hopefully I can continue embracing this feeling and ride it out for a while. I know it will pass, because both good and bad feelings do, but for today I am going to LOVE it and love me in the process. Just another step on the road of self awareness and self-acceptance :-)
A recent post looked back on the Happiness Project Challenge for 2011. The author posted periodically throughout the year on topics related to becoming happier. One was about knowing thyself. She asks, "Is self-knowledge THE key to happiness?" After looking back on some of her tips for self-awareness -- knowing who your personal patron saints (inspirations) are, what are your anxiety "tells", and observing what you already do to help you find clues to what makes you happy -- a light bulb seems to turn on and she ponders whether the journey of self-discovery is in fact simultaneously embedded with the journey towards happiness.
I have to say, I think it is. Over the years, I've done a lot of self-reflecting. On retreats, in spiritual direction, in counseling, trying out different careers and hobbies, looking at my personality characteristics (Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, even my Zodiac sign), and now in Al-Anon, the more I've become aware of myself, the more at peace I've been. Once I learn something, I can usually accept it. Knowledge becomes a tool to both improve areas I need to improve and strengthen the areas that are already strong or good. In Al-Anon, it's about helping remove defects of character and build on my character assets. In spirituality, it's about recognizing the gifts and talents I get from God and building a life focused on using those to serve other people, not trying to force happiness or force talents that aren't as strong or natural.
I don't know who my patron saints are. Perhaps over this next year I'll spend some time reading about people and seeing who could be on that list. What do I do? I can take stock of those activities too, and see what they say about me. And identifying my "tells" - these are great little tricks to learn more about myself and find more peace and serenity.
Today was an amazing day. No real reason, just a day I felt completely myself and loved who I was and what I was able to do. Days like this are truly the best kind of days. Hopefully I can continue embracing this feeling and ride it out for a while. I know it will pass, because both good and bad feelings do, but for today I am going to LOVE it and love me in the process. Just another step on the road of self awareness and self-acceptance :-)
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Application Update
After three years, I have officially done everything I can do to apply for graduate school. I've taken the prerequisite classes, done the application, had the in-person interview. I took stock of my personal goals and ambitions regarding art therapy, I became an artist and put together a portfolio, I took a spiritual stance and turned it all over to God. I was able to be myself, and be comfortable and confident and open. Now I'm in the place of waiting (for 2-3 weeks), and praying for acceptance of whatever outcome arrives. Most days I'm confident and willing to believe I got in... some moments I have a sudden fit of fear that I didn't. That fear is rooted in me just not being good enough. It's not a very strong or frequent fear, because I felt so natural and comfortable in the entire process. I know whatever the outcome, the journey has been so worth it, and I know I'm where God wants me. I have faith everything will work out as it's meant to... I just really hope it works out for me to get in :)
Another area I'm working on accepting and turning over is relationships. I am actually in a good place. I remember a friend once saying she used to pray that God would help make her and her future husband (whoever he was) become ready for each other. I could never fully get behind that prayer, even though I loved the idea, because I wanted to be in control. I'm starting to get it though. There is one man in my life I could somewhat see being a good partner. And maybe not! I don't really know. I'm not sure if there's even the right chemistry there, or if our age difference would be a deterrent, or various other things. And there are, and could be, other potential romantic partners in each of our lives, which is totally cool. Unfortunately, I've become somewhat obsessed about it, because we've become really good friends and are in each other's lives with some frequency and consistency. I know how controlling and obsessing are NOT good and make me needy and bossy and not really my true self. So I'm working on praying for me, and for us both. I have to remind myself that God has a perfect partner out there for each of us, and I pray we each become ready to have that person entire our lives in that way. I really do believe God has a wonderful plan for me, and for this man, because he loves us so much. I know my plan and my will are nothing but trouble, so I am by default going to trust in God's plan and turn the reins over to him. I have to keep myself out of the way, and continually step back and not force, not push, just be me and let go. It's a daily struggle, but so far it seems to be working better than previous relationship interests. That's good! And that's God :)
This ended up being much more journal-esqe than blog-worthy tonight, but that's okay. Sometimes you just need to say what's in your heart and on your mind, regardless of what it is.
Blessings in the coming days, and prayers for patience for anyone waiting for anything. I'm right there with you :-)
Another area I'm working on accepting and turning over is relationships. I am actually in a good place. I remember a friend once saying she used to pray that God would help make her and her future husband (whoever he was) become ready for each other. I could never fully get behind that prayer, even though I loved the idea, because I wanted to be in control. I'm starting to get it though. There is one man in my life I could somewhat see being a good partner. And maybe not! I don't really know. I'm not sure if there's even the right chemistry there, or if our age difference would be a deterrent, or various other things. And there are, and could be, other potential romantic partners in each of our lives, which is totally cool. Unfortunately, I've become somewhat obsessed about it, because we've become really good friends and are in each other's lives with some frequency and consistency. I know how controlling and obsessing are NOT good and make me needy and bossy and not really my true self. So I'm working on praying for me, and for us both. I have to remind myself that God has a perfect partner out there for each of us, and I pray we each become ready to have that person entire our lives in that way. I really do believe God has a wonderful plan for me, and for this man, because he loves us so much. I know my plan and my will are nothing but trouble, so I am by default going to trust in God's plan and turn the reins over to him. I have to keep myself out of the way, and continually step back and not force, not push, just be me and let go. It's a daily struggle, but so far it seems to be working better than previous relationship interests. That's good! And that's God :)
This ended up being much more journal-esqe than blog-worthy tonight, but that's okay. Sometimes you just need to say what's in your heart and on your mind, regardless of what it is.
Blessings in the coming days, and prayers for patience for anyone waiting for anything. I'm right there with you :-)
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Hope
"You are... going to have a great tomorrow."
In September I attended the Renegade Craft Fair in Chicago with a couple girlfriends. The Chicago Reader set up a booth where you could pay $1 and fill out a postcard with your name and address on one side. Then you could pick up a postcard with someone else's address and on the front was a blank black background with the words "You are ___" typed in white. They had white markers where you could fill in the "_____" section. I received mine about a week ago, and someone had written "You are going to have a great tomorrow." This is exactly why I participated in the experiment... what a COOL thing to have an anonymous message from someone you don't even know come to your mailbox and give you a boost of inspiration and kindness for the day?
I'm keeping the postcard handy on the dining room table because I need the reminder that each day has the opportunity to be a great day. I've discovered one of my biggest challenges in life is to deal with the unmanageability that comes when I've taken on too many commitments, when I believe more is my responsibility than is, when my perspective is skewed. This is why the 12 Steps were written in the order they were written - Step One deals with admitting our lives had become unmanageable.
I'm giving a lead on Step One tomorrow, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to share my experience around it. After two years in program, I still come back to Steps 1-3 on a regular basis. I've learned a couple things over the past couple years to help me deal with life when it becomes unmanageable.
1. Get back into today. Unmanageability comes when I try to do too much in one day, when I look too far into the future and get panicked about what's coming. One tool is to come back to what I absolutely HAVE to get done today and what I can realistically accomplish today. It doesn't always work if I can't sift through the crazy in my head to find my priorities, but the tool is still there for me.
2. Gratitude. If I am grateful for what I have, where I am, what I've accomplished, who I am, and what TODAY has given me, I can get back into the present moment and let go of the rest. Gratitude gives me perspective and helps me find my footing again.
3. HALT. If I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired, those needs must be addressed first or my life will continue to be unmanageable. Usually when I take inventory of that list, the rest becomes clear. I can see what my priorities must be, whether it's a nap, yoga, healthy food, homework, calling a friend, etc. I can usually set my priorities based on a HALT inventory.
4. Remembering I can only do 2-3 extra things a day. Regardless of whether today is a work day or a class day, I can usually only accomplish 2-3 extra things (yoga, homework assignment, email, bills, etc) before I start to feel an overload. Recognizing my limits/boundaries in that respect, I can learn (sometimes I forget, but at least I can learn) to set appropriate goals and let the rest of it go until tomorrow (or the next day, or whenever it fits in or NEEDS to be accomplished).
Flexibility and letting go have been key elements to working Steps One, Two, and Three, and to basically living my life in a happier healthier way. I get caught up in all the STUFF of life sometimes, but I find I get out of the STUFF much quicker than I used to, and I don't put up with unmanageable chaos in my head or my life anymore. Underlying all of this is that trust in God, the conviction that some power greater than me has things taken care of (whether I'm aware of it or not). God is present in everything -- good, bad, ugly, beautiful, chaotic, serene. He's with me in all of it, and willing to help me walk the path of serenity if I let him in and ask his will be done for me.
I'll conclude with a quote from the card my mom sent for my 2-year anniversary in program. It says: "I wish for you an imperfect life, and all the wonder that living can bring... I hope you can value this imperfection... that you will dare to embrace the beauty of all the imperfect lives that surround you, and then you will be perfectly free to step to the beat of your own imperfect heart, and you will have truly lived."
This is my hope for myself, and embracing this gives me hope for a beautiful future ahead.
In September I attended the Renegade Craft Fair in Chicago with a couple girlfriends. The Chicago Reader set up a booth where you could pay $1 and fill out a postcard with your name and address on one side. Then you could pick up a postcard with someone else's address and on the front was a blank black background with the words "You are ___" typed in white. They had white markers where you could fill in the "_____" section. I received mine about a week ago, and someone had written "You are going to have a great tomorrow." This is exactly why I participated in the experiment... what a COOL thing to have an anonymous message from someone you don't even know come to your mailbox and give you a boost of inspiration and kindness for the day?
I'm keeping the postcard handy on the dining room table because I need the reminder that each day has the opportunity to be a great day. I've discovered one of my biggest challenges in life is to deal with the unmanageability that comes when I've taken on too many commitments, when I believe more is my responsibility than is, when my perspective is skewed. This is why the 12 Steps were written in the order they were written - Step One deals with admitting our lives had become unmanageable.
I'm giving a lead on Step One tomorrow, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to share my experience around it. After two years in program, I still come back to Steps 1-3 on a regular basis. I've learned a couple things over the past couple years to help me deal with life when it becomes unmanageable.
1. Get back into today. Unmanageability comes when I try to do too much in one day, when I look too far into the future and get panicked about what's coming. One tool is to come back to what I absolutely HAVE to get done today and what I can realistically accomplish today. It doesn't always work if I can't sift through the crazy in my head to find my priorities, but the tool is still there for me.
2. Gratitude. If I am grateful for what I have, where I am, what I've accomplished, who I am, and what TODAY has given me, I can get back into the present moment and let go of the rest. Gratitude gives me perspective and helps me find my footing again.
3. HALT. If I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired, those needs must be addressed first or my life will continue to be unmanageable. Usually when I take inventory of that list, the rest becomes clear. I can see what my priorities must be, whether it's a nap, yoga, healthy food, homework, calling a friend, etc. I can usually set my priorities based on a HALT inventory.
4. Remembering I can only do 2-3 extra things a day. Regardless of whether today is a work day or a class day, I can usually only accomplish 2-3 extra things (yoga, homework assignment, email, bills, etc) before I start to feel an overload. Recognizing my limits/boundaries in that respect, I can learn (sometimes I forget, but at least I can learn) to set appropriate goals and let the rest of it go until tomorrow (or the next day, or whenever it fits in or NEEDS to be accomplished).
Flexibility and letting go have been key elements to working Steps One, Two, and Three, and to basically living my life in a happier healthier way. I get caught up in all the STUFF of life sometimes, but I find I get out of the STUFF much quicker than I used to, and I don't put up with unmanageable chaos in my head or my life anymore. Underlying all of this is that trust in God, the conviction that some power greater than me has things taken care of (whether I'm aware of it or not). God is present in everything -- good, bad, ugly, beautiful, chaotic, serene. He's with me in all of it, and willing to help me walk the path of serenity if I let him in and ask his will be done for me.
I'll conclude with a quote from the card my mom sent for my 2-year anniversary in program. It says: "I wish for you an imperfect life, and all the wonder that living can bring... I hope you can value this imperfection... that you will dare to embrace the beauty of all the imperfect lives that surround you, and then you will be perfectly free to step to the beat of your own imperfect heart, and you will have truly lived."
This is my hope for myself, and embracing this gives me hope for a beautiful future ahead.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
In Suspense and Incomplete
I re-read my blog post from June 17th and it amazes me how after two months so little has changed. I feel like I've changed, some ways for the good and other ways not so much.
I still struggle at work. Yesterday a customer complained about me being rude and short/snappish with her. It was in the middle of our crazy Saturday afternoon rush. I was in the pocket, I was passing out drinks, trying to see who was missing what, making drinks, and that is a lot for one person to deal with in that particular position. This is not the first time I've been short with a customer in that situation, and honestly I don't even know WHICH customer it was (I heard about it second-hand after the fact). But it hurt me, mostly it hurt my pride but it also was a humbling experience because I felt like all the negativity I've been feeling somehow came out in that interaction and someone finally said something about.
I've been feeling crappy. I've been totally in my head, and I've been feeling judgemental, arrogant, self-absorbed, frustrated, angry, resentful, and stuck. I have complete and total control over my attitudes and I keep choosing to bring a bad one to work because I feel beat down by the negativity I see in the environment there. I cannot seem to allow God to help me remain cheerful, polite, hopeful, or helpful when I feel angry or resentful.
My sponsor would tell me I'm in my head, that I need to detach from it, that I need to practice gratitude, keep my mouth shut, and continue to show up and be of service. I know this, in my head I KNOW this to be true. And yet when I'm headed to work I can't help but feel like I'm preparing for battle. I can't seem to believe that today will be a good day or believe that things will be smooth or fun. I used to believe work would be fun and interesting, and I used to look forward to and ENJOY going to this job. The job has not changed. The team has. The management has. But so has my own attitude.
I think part of it has to do with futurizing. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally starting to put together my grad school application and in a year I will hopefully be starting that next chapter of my life. I only have one more year left (I hope) of working part-time at Starbucks, of pre-requisites and community college classes. In a year, I will finally be where I've been working towards for 2 (will have been 3) years.
At the same time, I've now done a lot of personal work, work on being more present and detached in my relationships, on letting go of control, of being supportive without having to be right, of learning how to communicate expectations and set boundaries better. I'm not perfect at it, but I do feel like I do a better job than I used to. And I'm ready for the next romantic relationship, whether it's with someone I end up spending my life with or whether it's just the next person to share the next part of my journey with. I'm ready for that opportunity. In the grand scheme of things, I'm ready for marriage and a family. I'm 28 years old, and while I want my grad school education and I want to get my Masters in Art Therapy, I also really want to be a wife and mom. I'm ready for that part of my life to start. I think I've grieved some this summer in that respect - after things with the boy at work went to shit and he transferred, after the boy from home came to visit and there wasn't ANY spark or ANY real connection at all, and after I said hi to my ex last week and brought up all those feelings all over again (even though it's been three years). I'm grieving. I can let it go, let them all go, but I still grieve them.
Add to that, I'm still working on boundaries with my mom. I'm realizing how judgmental I am with her, how hard it is for me to let her in, and how hard it is for me to see her as human and as my equal. I have a lot of work to do in terms of healing and improving that relationship. Things with my Dad are so good and getting so much better, and I wish it could be that easy with Mom. Mom and I just have more history and I have more resentment towards her. I let a lot of that go in my 4th and 5th step, but apparently I have more to let go of and give over to God.
Anyway, this is just a message to the void... I need prayers, and I need help. I pray to God every day, and I still know I'm taken care of and okay. But I need to turn my will over to him and trust that I'll be okay even when I don't always feel great.
I still struggle at work. Yesterday a customer complained about me being rude and short/snappish with her. It was in the middle of our crazy Saturday afternoon rush. I was in the pocket, I was passing out drinks, trying to see who was missing what, making drinks, and that is a lot for one person to deal with in that particular position. This is not the first time I've been short with a customer in that situation, and honestly I don't even know WHICH customer it was (I heard about it second-hand after the fact). But it hurt me, mostly it hurt my pride but it also was a humbling experience because I felt like all the negativity I've been feeling somehow came out in that interaction and someone finally said something about.
I've been feeling crappy. I've been totally in my head, and I've been feeling judgemental, arrogant, self-absorbed, frustrated, angry, resentful, and stuck. I have complete and total control over my attitudes and I keep choosing to bring a bad one to work because I feel beat down by the negativity I see in the environment there. I cannot seem to allow God to help me remain cheerful, polite, hopeful, or helpful when I feel angry or resentful.
My sponsor would tell me I'm in my head, that I need to detach from it, that I need to practice gratitude, keep my mouth shut, and continue to show up and be of service. I know this, in my head I KNOW this to be true. And yet when I'm headed to work I can't help but feel like I'm preparing for battle. I can't seem to believe that today will be a good day or believe that things will be smooth or fun. I used to believe work would be fun and interesting, and I used to look forward to and ENJOY going to this job. The job has not changed. The team has. The management has. But so has my own attitude.
I think part of it has to do with futurizing. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally starting to put together my grad school application and in a year I will hopefully be starting that next chapter of my life. I only have one more year left (I hope) of working part-time at Starbucks, of pre-requisites and community college classes. In a year, I will finally be where I've been working towards for 2 (will have been 3) years.
At the same time, I've now done a lot of personal work, work on being more present and detached in my relationships, on letting go of control, of being supportive without having to be right, of learning how to communicate expectations and set boundaries better. I'm not perfect at it, but I do feel like I do a better job than I used to. And I'm ready for the next romantic relationship, whether it's with someone I end up spending my life with or whether it's just the next person to share the next part of my journey with. I'm ready for that opportunity. In the grand scheme of things, I'm ready for marriage and a family. I'm 28 years old, and while I want my grad school education and I want to get my Masters in Art Therapy, I also really want to be a wife and mom. I'm ready for that part of my life to start. I think I've grieved some this summer in that respect - after things with the boy at work went to shit and he transferred, after the boy from home came to visit and there wasn't ANY spark or ANY real connection at all, and after I said hi to my ex last week and brought up all those feelings all over again (even though it's been three years). I'm grieving. I can let it go, let them all go, but I still grieve them.
Add to that, I'm still working on boundaries with my mom. I'm realizing how judgmental I am with her, how hard it is for me to let her in, and how hard it is for me to see her as human and as my equal. I have a lot of work to do in terms of healing and improving that relationship. Things with my Dad are so good and getting so much better, and I wish it could be that easy with Mom. Mom and I just have more history and I have more resentment towards her. I let a lot of that go in my 4th and 5th step, but apparently I have more to let go of and give over to God.
Anyway, this is just a message to the void... I need prayers, and I need help. I pray to God every day, and I still know I'm taken care of and okay. But I need to turn my will over to him and trust that I'll be okay even when I don't always feel great.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Micro-Managing and Passive Aggression
Two words/phrases I hoped would never be assigned to me, and yet I've been displaying them more and more over the past few weeks.
I've been stressed out. It's been a different kind of stressed out than I've felt before. It's not the stress of finals, or the stress of the holidays, or the stress of a deadline, or the stress of major transition/change. It's been the stress of finishing my 4th step, the stress of unresolved conflicts, the stress of goodbyes, the stress of not trusting or respecting those in management at my job, and the stress of feeling myself "in suspense and incomplete."
This is what we talk about in program when we say we will still face every day challenges and the same triggers we've always faced, but now hopefully we have different tools for dealing with them. Some days I feel like I have those tools handy and readily accessible and easy to tap into and utilize. Some days, or some weeks even, I find them buried in the back of my mind under a huge pile of rubbish and crap. Do I still believe I'm okay, and that God has me taken care of? Yes, I do, which is why I'm able to keep coming back and keep working the steps and keep trying to better myself with and through this program. I do believe, somewhere inside me, that God has a plan and that I'm following the right path, bumps and bruises and all.
But I definitely feel in a state of fog at the moment, and a state of inner turmoil that is not a full-blown tornado but is a simmering pot that might (if not dealt with properly) blow too much steam and hurt someone. I have not been acting like my usual easygoing self at work. I have not felt happy at work, or comfortable at work, or enjoyed my job the same way, in probably four months. I did not realize how much Brittany, Reid, Jaimie, Eric, and Julian all leaving really affected me, as did the unresolved CRAP that happened with the boy. I really truly HATE the utter garbage I feel exists in that relationship. We talk a lot about keeping our side of the street clean and I do NOT feel like it is clean at all.
I also feel like my relationships with all of my current managers are also murky, because I don't trust them, don't respect them, feel like I'm micromanaging them, and feel like I'm not accepted as I am (but also because I'm not acting true to who I am). Somewhere in the past four months I've lost the ME I came to love being at Starbucks. The ability to focus on the customer right in front of me, the ability to show compassion and genuine interest and affection for my customers and my coworkers, the laidback FUN person that used to laugh and joke and chit-chat throughout a shift. We're supposed to be in a people business serving coffee. Yet I wonder if I have become too reliant on the relationships I built with coworkers and customers being what kept me going, made me happy, gave me joy in my job. Personal relationships and the individual customer experience are cornerstones to Starbucks' mission, vision, and business. Yet has embracing that attitude made me too dependent once again on others for my personal well-being and happiness? I also feel like the focus on the individual customer experience and partner camaraderie has been lost somewhat at our store... It's a combination of the atmosphere created by the management, my own desire to take care of my regular customers (in sometimes inappropriate ways because I barge into the conversation or interaction they're having with another barista), and the feeling that many of our partners DON'T like their job or working at our store. What do I do with this negativity and the ways it is affecting my job and my relationships within and outside the store?
I've always considered myself a pretty positive person, and even since being in AL-Anon I've felt the most myself when I'm optimistic and cheerful. But I don't feel that way much lately, not at work and not in general. So much of the work I've done in Al-Anon seems to be fruitless because I'm not sure how to clear away the crap I'm feeling (especially when I don't know I'm feeling it right away). I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I want to re-find the happy, positive, cheerful, friendly, team-oriented person I know I am.
This is a much more meandering blog post (more like a journal entry) than I've had in a while. I spent the evening with a coworker who's become a good friend, and I was able to see things in a different perspective. I wanted to write about it because sometimes it helps me gather my thoughts and articulate my feelings. If I write about again, it's obsession. Today, it's just a blog post.
I've been stressed out. It's been a different kind of stressed out than I've felt before. It's not the stress of finals, or the stress of the holidays, or the stress of a deadline, or the stress of major transition/change. It's been the stress of finishing my 4th step, the stress of unresolved conflicts, the stress of goodbyes, the stress of not trusting or respecting those in management at my job, and the stress of feeling myself "in suspense and incomplete."
This is what we talk about in program when we say we will still face every day challenges and the same triggers we've always faced, but now hopefully we have different tools for dealing with them. Some days I feel like I have those tools handy and readily accessible and easy to tap into and utilize. Some days, or some weeks even, I find them buried in the back of my mind under a huge pile of rubbish and crap. Do I still believe I'm okay, and that God has me taken care of? Yes, I do, which is why I'm able to keep coming back and keep working the steps and keep trying to better myself with and through this program. I do believe, somewhere inside me, that God has a plan and that I'm following the right path, bumps and bruises and all.
But I definitely feel in a state of fog at the moment, and a state of inner turmoil that is not a full-blown tornado but is a simmering pot that might (if not dealt with properly) blow too much steam and hurt someone. I have not been acting like my usual easygoing self at work. I have not felt happy at work, or comfortable at work, or enjoyed my job the same way, in probably four months. I did not realize how much Brittany, Reid, Jaimie, Eric, and Julian all leaving really affected me, as did the unresolved CRAP that happened with the boy. I really truly HATE the utter garbage I feel exists in that relationship. We talk a lot about keeping our side of the street clean and I do NOT feel like it is clean at all.
I also feel like my relationships with all of my current managers are also murky, because I don't trust them, don't respect them, feel like I'm micromanaging them, and feel like I'm not accepted as I am (but also because I'm not acting true to who I am). Somewhere in the past four months I've lost the ME I came to love being at Starbucks. The ability to focus on the customer right in front of me, the ability to show compassion and genuine interest and affection for my customers and my coworkers, the laidback FUN person that used to laugh and joke and chit-chat throughout a shift. We're supposed to be in a people business serving coffee. Yet I wonder if I have become too reliant on the relationships I built with coworkers and customers being what kept me going, made me happy, gave me joy in my job. Personal relationships and the individual customer experience are cornerstones to Starbucks' mission, vision, and business. Yet has embracing that attitude made me too dependent once again on others for my personal well-being and happiness? I also feel like the focus on the individual customer experience and partner camaraderie has been lost somewhat at our store... It's a combination of the atmosphere created by the management, my own desire to take care of my regular customers (in sometimes inappropriate ways because I barge into the conversation or interaction they're having with another barista), and the feeling that many of our partners DON'T like their job or working at our store. What do I do with this negativity and the ways it is affecting my job and my relationships within and outside the store?
I've always considered myself a pretty positive person, and even since being in AL-Anon I've felt the most myself when I'm optimistic and cheerful. But I don't feel that way much lately, not at work and not in general. So much of the work I've done in Al-Anon seems to be fruitless because I'm not sure how to clear away the crap I'm feeling (especially when I don't know I'm feeling it right away). I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I want to re-find the happy, positive, cheerful, friendly, team-oriented person I know I am.
This is a much more meandering blog post (more like a journal entry) than I've had in a while. I spent the evening with a coworker who's become a good friend, and I was able to see things in a different perspective. I wanted to write about it because sometimes it helps me gather my thoughts and articulate my feelings. If I write about again, it's obsession. Today, it's just a blog post.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Whenever My Life Gets Me So Down....
This week I experienced a blast from the past. One of my favorite shows from the original line-up of "SNICK" (aka Saturday Night Nickelodeon) growing up was "Roundhouse." Most people do not remember this show... they remember Clarissa Explains It All, Ren & Stimpy, Are You Afraid of the Dark, and even later additions like "The Secret World of Alex Mack", "All That", and "Kenan and Kel" but no one remembers "Roundhouse." It was a music/variety/sketch comedy show that ran for four seasons as the second show in the SNICK line-up after Clarissa. I loved it. I always loved music/dance/acting shows like that - the corny childhood ones like Mickey Mouse Club and Roundhouse, and then later MadTV (though not Saturday Night Live as much). But the thing that has really stuck with me all these years is the theme song to Roundhouse, which is what I decided to go in search of on YouTube this week.
After revisiting it, I realized how much the lyrics still resonate with me. I'm finishing up my 4th step, and one theme has come up pretty consistently throughout my whole life. I desperately want to have close friends, I want to belong, I want to be part of something special. I've always wanted that. And the theme song to RoundHouse even addresses it:
Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
To where the music and the fun never ends
As long as that music keeps playing
You know what I'm saying
I know that I can find a friend
Down at the roundhouse
These days I don't seek approval, acceptance, attention, or belonging from other people to the extent I once did, and I've become more self-confident and happy just being me (and just being WITH me). However, friendships and relationships are still important, and I find I still struggle with the idea of fitting in, being part of a group, belonging, having tight circles of friends so I don't feel so alone.
It's one of the reasons I struggled so much saying goodbye to a coworker this week when he finished his last shift and transferred to another store. We once had the opportunity to be good friends, and to be part of a close group of friends together. Then the awkwardness of attraction (and subsequently my going a bit crazy and controlling on him, much to my chagrin and despair) led to continued awkwardness for about 3 months. He left, and I grieve the lost opportunity, not so much the loss of potential romantic involvement (though that is sad too), but mostly the loss of a potentially really good friendship. Even when we've been at work together on a Sunday night or the 1-2 times we've hung out with friends outside of work since he moved to Chicago, it's obvious we get along. It's obvious there is a connection there in terms of commonalities, understanding of each other, and an ability to get along and relate. However, the awkwardness caused by attraction and innuendo will (at least for the time being and for a while to come I'm sure) prevent us from being friendly and friends. And that sucks.
So while I once thought work was a place I could go and be among friends, I have to learn to just have work be a place where I work. Maybe I can have coworkers become friends, but for now I have to keep the boundaries. I have to find other places in which I can feel part of, belong, and develop friendships that are hopefully not awkward or potentially harmful.
Luckily I'm almost done with the writing (YAY! FINALLY!) and soon I can move on to the making amends part. I know that is when the rubber will meet the road and hopefully I'll clear up some bad air in certain relationships and friendships. I know it won't be perfect and some people I'll never have in my life again. But I'm looking forward to the possibilities and the opportunities anyway. I just have to have patience, because I tend to want to fix things NOW.
As with Roundhouse, there will always be a place I can go and be among friends... that's one reason I'm in Al-Anon, because they get it. They may not be my closest friends in the world or the people I socialize with the most frequently, but they will still be there and get me. And I appreciate that so much.
To that end, I'll repeat the theme again... to give me hope and purpose and promise:
Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
To where the music and the fun never ends
As long as that music keeps playing
You know what I'm saying
I know that I can find a friend
Down at the roundhouse
After revisiting it, I realized how much the lyrics still resonate with me. I'm finishing up my 4th step, and one theme has come up pretty consistently throughout my whole life. I desperately want to have close friends, I want to belong, I want to be part of something special. I've always wanted that. And the theme song to RoundHouse even addresses it:
Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
To where the music and the fun never ends
As long as that music keeps playing
You know what I'm saying
I know that I can find a friend
Down at the roundhouse
These days I don't seek approval, acceptance, attention, or belonging from other people to the extent I once did, and I've become more self-confident and happy just being me (and just being WITH me). However, friendships and relationships are still important, and I find I still struggle with the idea of fitting in, being part of a group, belonging, having tight circles of friends so I don't feel so alone.
It's one of the reasons I struggled so much saying goodbye to a coworker this week when he finished his last shift and transferred to another store. We once had the opportunity to be good friends, and to be part of a close group of friends together. Then the awkwardness of attraction (and subsequently my going a bit crazy and controlling on him, much to my chagrin and despair) led to continued awkwardness for about 3 months. He left, and I grieve the lost opportunity, not so much the loss of potential romantic involvement (though that is sad too), but mostly the loss of a potentially really good friendship. Even when we've been at work together on a Sunday night or the 1-2 times we've hung out with friends outside of work since he moved to Chicago, it's obvious we get along. It's obvious there is a connection there in terms of commonalities, understanding of each other, and an ability to get along and relate. However, the awkwardness caused by attraction and innuendo will (at least for the time being and for a while to come I'm sure) prevent us from being friendly and friends. And that sucks.
So while I once thought work was a place I could go and be among friends, I have to learn to just have work be a place where I work. Maybe I can have coworkers become friends, but for now I have to keep the boundaries. I have to find other places in which I can feel part of, belong, and develop friendships that are hopefully not awkward or potentially harmful.
Luckily I'm almost done with the writing (YAY! FINALLY!) and soon I can move on to the making amends part. I know that is when the rubber will meet the road and hopefully I'll clear up some bad air in certain relationships and friendships. I know it won't be perfect and some people I'll never have in my life again. But I'm looking forward to the possibilities and the opportunities anyway. I just have to have patience, because I tend to want to fix things NOW.
As with Roundhouse, there will always be a place I can go and be among friends... that's one reason I'm in Al-Anon, because they get it. They may not be my closest friends in the world or the people I socialize with the most frequently, but they will still be there and get me. And I appreciate that so much.
To that end, I'll repeat the theme again... to give me hope and purpose and promise:
Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
To where the music and the fun never ends
As long as that music keeps playing
You know what I'm saying
I know that I can find a friend
Down at the roundhouse
Monday, May 02, 2011
Something Fun!
I'm very aware that my last several blogs, and really a good chunk of the last month or two, have really been serious, intense, and sometimes depressing. They've very much shown my struggles in a lot of ways, and I've had a lot of deep soul-searching going on.
But that way of life can be VERY energy-draining if it's not interrupted or not surrounded by moments of pure happiness and fun. Which is exactly what my roommate and I experienced last Friday afternoon.
Audrey took the GRE Friday morning, and I worked until 1:30. It was going to be a long afternoon at my store, with someone calling off and the weather being beautiful (60 degrees and sunny). At the end of my shift though, I took off. I did not feel any guilt, didn't even care what was going to happen after I left. My roommate and I had been planning this fun afternoon (of what we didn't know) to celebrate her finishing the GRE for weeks, and I was thrilled with the prospect of not being inside on such a nice day!
And so we wandered! We walked down Michigan Avenue, stopped in random stores like Crate and Barrel and The Disney Store, just for fun. We went into Water Tower Place because they have a new Vera Bradley store and also found a great little artsy-fartsy store called Chiaroscuro. It was fun to just BE PRESENT, to wander with no plan, to just chat and be goofy and enjoy the sunshine and each other's company. We stopped at the grocery and bought stuff to make a very special and delicious dinner, after which we cleaned up and joked about how messy our kitchen is and how hard it is to clean up.
This has been a running inside joke for us since we moved in, and we both realized we hadn't shared that joke in WEEKS.
The whole day was striking. Neither of us realized quite how stressed out we'd been, or how much we'd been holding it in. I know I internalize a lot of stress and don't always know how much stress I'm hiding. It often comes as a surprise when I relax or unwind and discover just how stressed I've been.
So, our mutual agreement is to try to recognize our stress sooner, to find healthy ways to voice things when we'd normally hold everything in, and to keep each other accountable regarding fun and laughter and joking.
Laughter truly is the best medicine and can make stress dissipate in a flash. As it says in AA's Big Book - "We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life! So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered and have been given the power to help others." (page 132, in the chapter "The Family Afterward")
I needed this reminder, especially as I continue making my way through the intense and sometimes painful 4th step process, and as I finish the semester and begin to look seriously at grad school applications and what I need for my portfolio. I have to remember to stop and HAVE FUN :)
But that way of life can be VERY energy-draining if it's not interrupted or not surrounded by moments of pure happiness and fun. Which is exactly what my roommate and I experienced last Friday afternoon.
Audrey took the GRE Friday morning, and I worked until 1:30. It was going to be a long afternoon at my store, with someone calling off and the weather being beautiful (60 degrees and sunny). At the end of my shift though, I took off. I did not feel any guilt, didn't even care what was going to happen after I left. My roommate and I had been planning this fun afternoon (of what we didn't know) to celebrate her finishing the GRE for weeks, and I was thrilled with the prospect of not being inside on such a nice day!
And so we wandered! We walked down Michigan Avenue, stopped in random stores like Crate and Barrel and The Disney Store, just for fun. We went into Water Tower Place because they have a new Vera Bradley store and also found a great little artsy-fartsy store called Chiaroscuro. It was fun to just BE PRESENT, to wander with no plan, to just chat and be goofy and enjoy the sunshine and each other's company. We stopped at the grocery and bought stuff to make a very special and delicious dinner, after which we cleaned up and joked about how messy our kitchen is and how hard it is to clean up.
This has been a running inside joke for us since we moved in, and we both realized we hadn't shared that joke in WEEKS.
The whole day was striking. Neither of us realized quite how stressed out we'd been, or how much we'd been holding it in. I know I internalize a lot of stress and don't always know how much stress I'm hiding. It often comes as a surprise when I relax or unwind and discover just how stressed I've been.
So, our mutual agreement is to try to recognize our stress sooner, to find healthy ways to voice things when we'd normally hold everything in, and to keep each other accountable regarding fun and laughter and joking.
Laughter truly is the best medicine and can make stress dissipate in a flash. As it says in AA's Big Book - "We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life! So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered and have been given the power to help others." (page 132, in the chapter "The Family Afterward")
I needed this reminder, especially as I continue making my way through the intense and sometimes painful 4th step process, and as I finish the semester and begin to look seriously at grad school applications and what I need for my portfolio. I have to remember to stop and HAVE FUN :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
Spiritual Journey
I've been aware over the past 7 weeks or so that my relationship with God and my relationship with organized religion are on two different paths. While I feel like I am closer to God than I ever have been before, I've also felt very separated from the Church and from a "worship" community. Don't get my wrong, this separation is not a negative thing. I actually feel more confident in my belief and faith in God than I ever have. The daily prayers I say are not just words:
"God, I offer myself to you, to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to your love, your power, and your way of life. May I do your will always." (Third Step Prayer)
"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen." (Seventh Step Prayer)
"Give me a willing heart, oh God: willingness to take care of myself, to ask for what I need, to turn things over to you, and to be of humble service." (my own prayer)
Combined with reading the section from "How it Works" and the meditations in "Courage to Change", I feel inspired and connected to my higher power, whom I call God, every day. Each of these offers 1-2 line reminders I can touch base with throughout the day, to ground me, and remind me why I'm here. I'm here to be of service to others. I'm here to love and serve God, and love and serve others. I actually heard that in last night's Holy Thursday homily, though I didn't get it right away. Fr. Manny at St. Clement Church talked about Holy Thursday being the feast of the stole and the towel - the stole representing unity between us and the Eucharist (Jesus' ultimate gift of self/love and his covenant/promise to us) and the towel representing Jesus' and our unity with humanity (washing of the feet was a sign of service and humility, a humbling of God to wash the feet/serve/forgive humanity). Love and serve. That is our primary purpose!
It was good to be at Holy Thursday service last night. I love St. Clement's liturgies - there is always sincerity and reverence and power in them, especially their Triduum services. And although it felt good to be back in a familiar place with familiar ritual, I didn't feel connected to them. It didn't mean anything to me. I participated, and I prayed, but I did not feel connected or inspired or fulfilled. I come out of my Al-Anon meetings feeling much more connected to God, much more inspired, much stronger and lighter and freer than I do coming out of church. I never thought this would happen... I should be surprised but I'm not. Al-Anon and the 12 steps have broken down a complicated spirituality built around rules, traditions, rigidness, politics, and human flaws into its most basic foundation. While I don't currently feel I have a worship community, I also don't feel I need one. I DO have a faith community, my Al-Anon community, and for right now I think that's all I need.
I am not anti-Church or anti-religion. I know both offer many of my friends and family members and millions of others a place of belonging and inspiration and love. It's just not where I'm at in my faith journey. God and I are working on strengthening and learning what the foundation of our relationship is, on building up trust in him and believing in the love he has for me (and love I have for him, myself, and others). I could NEVER do that in the context of a church setting, no matter how many retreats I went on or days of reflection I attended, no matter what I did for spiritual direction or how many different churches/Masses I tried, no matter how much I tried to learn and intellectualize my faith. I never really grew and I felt my faith never really deepened. I often felt stuck.
Faith is about having the courage to believe in God no matter what happens in your life, to trust him when you feel all alone and vulnerable, to learn to love and accept love because you KNOW he loves you no matter what (and always has). There is a REASON the 12 steps were written in the order they were written. Steps 1-3 build the foundation for this courage, faith, acceptance, etc. The 4th step is hard, it is challenging, it threatens all of the faith and courage and changes and love one starts to experience in the first three steps. It strips you completely bare, and then you get to start over and rebuild from the ground up, basing your life and identity and structure on the GOOD inside you, the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE God has for you (and you learn to have for yourself). Your faith may be tested, it may be shaky at times, you may want to give up and run away. But deep down, hopefully, you know you're safe and taken care of, and that is enough.
I know this is what's happening for me, and I am grateful to have found Al-Anon and the 12 steps to help me finally deepen and grow in my faith. I reflect on this now because it's Easter weekend, and I haven't participated in Lent at all. I went to Holy Thursday service, but I will probably skip Good Friday. I may go to Mass Sunday morning for Easter, but I'll decide tomorrow or Sunday. It's not an important part of my spiritual journey right now. And while I would normally feel guilty, I don't. I will never apologize for trying to improve my relationship with God, regardless of whether the 12 steps took me out of my "Catholic" faith community and beliefs. It's not important to me how I grow closer to God, just that I am. For now, THAT is enough.
"God, I offer myself to you, to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to your love, your power, and your way of life. May I do your will always." (Third Step Prayer)
"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen." (Seventh Step Prayer)
"Give me a willing heart, oh God: willingness to take care of myself, to ask for what I need, to turn things over to you, and to be of humble service." (my own prayer)
Combined with reading the section from "How it Works" and the meditations in "Courage to Change", I feel inspired and connected to my higher power, whom I call God, every day. Each of these offers 1-2 line reminders I can touch base with throughout the day, to ground me, and remind me why I'm here. I'm here to be of service to others. I'm here to love and serve God, and love and serve others. I actually heard that in last night's Holy Thursday homily, though I didn't get it right away. Fr. Manny at St. Clement Church talked about Holy Thursday being the feast of the stole and the towel - the stole representing unity between us and the Eucharist (Jesus' ultimate gift of self/love and his covenant/promise to us) and the towel representing Jesus' and our unity with humanity (washing of the feet was a sign of service and humility, a humbling of God to wash the feet/serve/forgive humanity). Love and serve. That is our primary purpose!
It was good to be at Holy Thursday service last night. I love St. Clement's liturgies - there is always sincerity and reverence and power in them, especially their Triduum services. And although it felt good to be back in a familiar place with familiar ritual, I didn't feel connected to them. It didn't mean anything to me. I participated, and I prayed, but I did not feel connected or inspired or fulfilled. I come out of my Al-Anon meetings feeling much more connected to God, much more inspired, much stronger and lighter and freer than I do coming out of church. I never thought this would happen... I should be surprised but I'm not. Al-Anon and the 12 steps have broken down a complicated spirituality built around rules, traditions, rigidness, politics, and human flaws into its most basic foundation. While I don't currently feel I have a worship community, I also don't feel I need one. I DO have a faith community, my Al-Anon community, and for right now I think that's all I need.
I am not anti-Church or anti-religion. I know both offer many of my friends and family members and millions of others a place of belonging and inspiration and love. It's just not where I'm at in my faith journey. God and I are working on strengthening and learning what the foundation of our relationship is, on building up trust in him and believing in the love he has for me (and love I have for him, myself, and others). I could NEVER do that in the context of a church setting, no matter how many retreats I went on or days of reflection I attended, no matter what I did for spiritual direction or how many different churches/Masses I tried, no matter how much I tried to learn and intellectualize my faith. I never really grew and I felt my faith never really deepened. I often felt stuck.
Faith is about having the courage to believe in God no matter what happens in your life, to trust him when you feel all alone and vulnerable, to learn to love and accept love because you KNOW he loves you no matter what (and always has). There is a REASON the 12 steps were written in the order they were written. Steps 1-3 build the foundation for this courage, faith, acceptance, etc. The 4th step is hard, it is challenging, it threatens all of the faith and courage and changes and love one starts to experience in the first three steps. It strips you completely bare, and then you get to start over and rebuild from the ground up, basing your life and identity and structure on the GOOD inside you, the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE God has for you (and you learn to have for yourself). Your faith may be tested, it may be shaky at times, you may want to give up and run away. But deep down, hopefully, you know you're safe and taken care of, and that is enough.
I know this is what's happening for me, and I am grateful to have found Al-Anon and the 12 steps to help me finally deepen and grow in my faith. I reflect on this now because it's Easter weekend, and I haven't participated in Lent at all. I went to Holy Thursday service, but I will probably skip Good Friday. I may go to Mass Sunday morning for Easter, but I'll decide tomorrow or Sunday. It's not an important part of my spiritual journey right now. And while I would normally feel guilty, I don't. I will never apologize for trying to improve my relationship with God, regardless of whether the 12 steps took me out of my "Catholic" faith community and beliefs. It's not important to me how I grow closer to God, just that I am. For now, THAT is enough.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I don't have to be the same person I was
This past week was incredibly painful. Last night I read an entry in the Archdiocese of Chicago's Young Adult Ministry Lenten Reflection Blog about the difference between pain and suffering. Christina shares this insight, "We as humans are able to tolerate so much pain – knowing that our pain is getting us somewhere or it is some form of tough love. But when our pain isn’t productive, we can easily begin to suffer in our disappointment."
The pain I experienced this past week was emotional pain, yes, but it did not quite reach the threshold of suffering. I cried and sobbed and grieved, but it was part of the process I'm in. I finished writing all my resentments, what they affected, and what my part was for grade school on Wednesday night. I was only 14 years into my 28-year life story, and already I saw patterns. I easily saw the reasons why I couldn't seem to make or keep friends, and I easily saw how little self-esteem and self-confidence I had from the time I was very little. I saw how I got stuck in my head and relied on my own distorted views of life because I was an only child, a latchkey kid, and didn't have any peers or reliable adult role models. I saw how clingy I was, how hard I tried to fit in, how I tried to force friendships and connections and shut down when things didn't seem to be going my way. I saw how selfish I was, but I grieved for the little girl who felt she had to be that selfish to survive.
Immediately after grade school is high school, obviously, and I discovered something I probably knew in the back of my mind but didn't really address until I started writing. The first resentment on my high school list is actually my #1 resentment from my entire life, which is amazing to me. However, the three years I spent on dance team were probably the last three years I ever truly threw my entire heart and soul into something. And I was constantly let down, constantly left out, constantly not good enough. When I finally decided to quit dance team after junior year, it was also when my friendships with people I'd known since 9th grade were getting flushed down the toilet because of a stupid mistake on my part (and an unwillingness to try and reconcile/work it out on their part). Writing about dance team was the hardest writing I've ever had to do. It physically made me ill, and I could hardly put pen to paper. I wrote about choir next, another set I struggled to stay detached from while writing. Next I'm writing about that group of girlfriends where everything went wrong and I've been ostracized from them for 11 years. High School does not have a lot of positive memories for me, and I know it'll all be hard writing. I'm trying to keep pushing through and keep writing, but it is painful.
But like Christina distinguished, it has not moved into the stage of suffering. This pain has a purpose, absolutely 100% has a purpose. The 12 Steps are about Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. I'm becoming aware of my patterns, my former ways of doing things. I have to learn to accept them, accept the past that happened, and then let it all go. I have to accept that sometimes I'll still act out of these deep-rooted patterns, but I can now let them go and accept whatever outcome. I can also take action - I can't change the past, but I can make amends and apologize for wrong-doing on my part. I can also change my behaviors so I don't continue the patterns to the best of my ability in the future. All of this requires an enormous courage and reliance on God. There are days I feel it, there are times I know I'm taken care of and loved by a wise and wonderful and gentle and loving higher power. But writing about high school, I just feel all the crap, I don't feel loved, and so I struggle with that reminder that God loved me then and still loves me now.
What I have to remember is this: I am not the same person I was 14 years ago when I started high school. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago when I graduated, or 6 years ago when I left college, or 3 years ago when Sully and I broke up, or 18 months ago when I entered the rooms for the first time. I am not the same person I was, AND I DON'T HAVE TO BE! I get to be different today. I get to choose how I want to act, and what I want to say. I can choose a more loving, caring, gentle, happy track. I don't have to rely on other people to tell me who I am or tell me I'm accepted. I get to find and create and have my OWN identity. I get to know I'm loved and accepted, just by trusting in God, and learning to love and accept myself.
I know I still struggle with some of the patterns I'm seeing. The boy at work is getting the same treatment my dear friend Ryan did all throughout college. How and why Ryan stuck around I will never know, because I was completely crazy with him. But he did, and he's now one of my dearest friends, and his fiance Julie is as well. I struggle with feeling like I have to force connections with people I feel connected to - I just want to create that intimacy and have that friendship and I want it NOW. Sometimes I can let it go, and just let things take time. Sometimes, I can't. Luckily, I think I'm learning to pull back and RELAX and breathe quicker than I did before, so even when I get intense and needy and pushy, like I did this week when I was caught up in all the emotion and grief of my 4th step, I can pull back and let go a little bit easier. I don't have to put up a wall or shut down my emotions, I just need to be more appropriate with how, where, when, why, and to whom I express them.
It's a learning process, and a painful one sometimes, but I'm getting there.
The pain I experienced this past week was emotional pain, yes, but it did not quite reach the threshold of suffering. I cried and sobbed and grieved, but it was part of the process I'm in. I finished writing all my resentments, what they affected, and what my part was for grade school on Wednesday night. I was only 14 years into my 28-year life story, and already I saw patterns. I easily saw the reasons why I couldn't seem to make or keep friends, and I easily saw how little self-esteem and self-confidence I had from the time I was very little. I saw how I got stuck in my head and relied on my own distorted views of life because I was an only child, a latchkey kid, and didn't have any peers or reliable adult role models. I saw how clingy I was, how hard I tried to fit in, how I tried to force friendships and connections and shut down when things didn't seem to be going my way. I saw how selfish I was, but I grieved for the little girl who felt she had to be that selfish to survive.
Immediately after grade school is high school, obviously, and I discovered something I probably knew in the back of my mind but didn't really address until I started writing. The first resentment on my high school list is actually my #1 resentment from my entire life, which is amazing to me. However, the three years I spent on dance team were probably the last three years I ever truly threw my entire heart and soul into something. And I was constantly let down, constantly left out, constantly not good enough. When I finally decided to quit dance team after junior year, it was also when my friendships with people I'd known since 9th grade were getting flushed down the toilet because of a stupid mistake on my part (and an unwillingness to try and reconcile/work it out on their part). Writing about dance team was the hardest writing I've ever had to do. It physically made me ill, and I could hardly put pen to paper. I wrote about choir next, another set I struggled to stay detached from while writing. Next I'm writing about that group of girlfriends where everything went wrong and I've been ostracized from them for 11 years. High School does not have a lot of positive memories for me, and I know it'll all be hard writing. I'm trying to keep pushing through and keep writing, but it is painful.
But like Christina distinguished, it has not moved into the stage of suffering. This pain has a purpose, absolutely 100% has a purpose. The 12 Steps are about Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. I'm becoming aware of my patterns, my former ways of doing things. I have to learn to accept them, accept the past that happened, and then let it all go. I have to accept that sometimes I'll still act out of these deep-rooted patterns, but I can now let them go and accept whatever outcome. I can also take action - I can't change the past, but I can make amends and apologize for wrong-doing on my part. I can also change my behaviors so I don't continue the patterns to the best of my ability in the future. All of this requires an enormous courage and reliance on God. There are days I feel it, there are times I know I'm taken care of and loved by a wise and wonderful and gentle and loving higher power. But writing about high school, I just feel all the crap, I don't feel loved, and so I struggle with that reminder that God loved me then and still loves me now.
What I have to remember is this: I am not the same person I was 14 years ago when I started high school. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago when I graduated, or 6 years ago when I left college, or 3 years ago when Sully and I broke up, or 18 months ago when I entered the rooms for the first time. I am not the same person I was, AND I DON'T HAVE TO BE! I get to be different today. I get to choose how I want to act, and what I want to say. I can choose a more loving, caring, gentle, happy track. I don't have to rely on other people to tell me who I am or tell me I'm accepted. I get to find and create and have my OWN identity. I get to know I'm loved and accepted, just by trusting in God, and learning to love and accept myself.
I know I still struggle with some of the patterns I'm seeing. The boy at work is getting the same treatment my dear friend Ryan did all throughout college. How and why Ryan stuck around I will never know, because I was completely crazy with him. But he did, and he's now one of my dearest friends, and his fiance Julie is as well. I struggle with feeling like I have to force connections with people I feel connected to - I just want to create that intimacy and have that friendship and I want it NOW. Sometimes I can let it go, and just let things take time. Sometimes, I can't. Luckily, I think I'm learning to pull back and RELAX and breathe quicker than I did before, so even when I get intense and needy and pushy, like I did this week when I was caught up in all the emotion and grief of my 4th step, I can pull back and let go a little bit easier. I don't have to put up a wall or shut down my emotions, I just need to be more appropriate with how, where, when, why, and to whom I express them.
It's a learning process, and a painful one sometimes, but I'm getting there.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Creative Identity
God moments came in all shapes and sizes. Last fall, the receptionist at my eye doctor's office and I got to chatting, and it turned out a friend of hers was interested in art therapy too. The receptionist thought her friend was already in the program I mentioned, but it turned out she was just interested in applying there. Five months after we have this conversation, she suggests us as friends on Facebook. We have now been hanging out and chatting, and are quickly becoming friends. Not only do we share a passion for art and art therapy, but I've also found I can share program principles with her. 
The timing of us meeting and the topics we've already been able to discuss are profound, and truly make me appreciate the patience and trust I've learned and gained throughout my 18 months in program. It has also given me a new lens to reflect on my own journey into the career path of art therapy, and my own personal creative journey.
During her interview for the Masters program last week, some of the questions she said they asked centered on obstacles in life, art therapy, what it means, why she wants to do it, etc. The personal statement portion of the application has a similar outline - "Why this school, why art therapy, why now?" I think about what my creative outlets used to be, and why I seek to be an art therapist. I used to be scrapbook and journal as my primary artistic outlets. However, I don't scrapbook at all anymore, and my writing is now in the form of blog posts (and 4th step writing). I see those old outlets in a new way - journal-writing had a tendency to be obsessive and analytical, trying to fix, manage, control, solve, and change through writing about the same topics all the time. Taking photos and making scrapbooks proved I was there, I was accepted, I was part of something, I was included. I don't need to prove I'm part of something anymore, and I don't need to obsessively analyze situations. I have a different way of processing (praying, talking it out with a sponsor or friend, then letting go of the outcome and making amends if I did something wrong). I also have a different motivation for being creative - I want to help people, and I want to express myself, whoever I am (I'm still learning). I want to use the practice of art-making and the varied and mixed media available to me to create pieces that represent me. They don't have to prove anything, and they don't even have to have a particular underlying meaning unless I attach one. I just want to express myself and make something cool.
It is a complete God-thing that I'm working through these first 4-7 steps while I'm
taking pre-requisites for an art therapy Masters program and shaping/discovering my own creative identity. I'm learning to put faith and trust in God and his will for me, and I'm shedding old behaviors (personal relationships and old ways of expressing myself creatively), behaviors that don't work or fit for me anymore. I get to uncover my personal AND creative identity all at the same time, which is a tremendous blessing. Who knows what either will look like by the time I turn in my grad school application in November. It doesn't matter, because I'm content being in the process, letting go of the outcome, and am enjoying the fruits of the journey so far.
During her interview for the Masters program last week, some of the questions she said they asked centered on obstacles in life, art therapy, what it means, why she wants to do it, etc. The personal statement portion of the application has a similar outline - "Why this school, why art therapy, why now?" I think about what my creative outlets used to be, and why I seek to be an art therapist. I used to be scrapbook and journal as my primary artistic outlets. However, I don't scrapbook at all anymore, and my writing is now in the form of blog posts (and 4th step writing). I see those old outlets in a new way - journal-writing had a tendency to be obsessive and analytical, trying to fix, manage, control, solve, and change through writing about the same topics all the time. Taking photos and making scrapbooks proved I was there, I was accepted, I was part of something, I was included. I don't need to prove I'm part of something anymore, and I don't need to obsessively analyze situations. I have a different way of processing (praying, talking it out with a sponsor or friend, then letting go of the outcome and making amends if I did something wrong). I also have a different motivation for being creative - I want to help people, and I want to express myself, whoever I am (I'm still learning). I want to use the practice of art-making and the varied and mixed media available to me to create pieces that represent me. They don't have to prove anything, and they don't even have to have a particular underlying meaning unless I attach one. I just want to express myself and make something cool.
It is a complete God-thing that I'm working through these first 4-7 steps while I'm
taking pre-requisites for an art therapy Masters program and shaping/discovering my own creative identity. I'm learning to put faith and trust in God and his will for me, and I'm shedding old behaviors (personal relationships and old ways of expressing myself creatively), behaviors that don't work or fit for me anymore. I get to uncover my personal AND creative identity all at the same time, which is a tremendous blessing. Who knows what either will look like by the time I turn in my grad school application in November. It doesn't matter, because I'm content being in the process, letting go of the outcome, and am enjoying the fruits of the journey so far.
Inner Contentment
I know I've shared this before, but when I came into Al-Anon, it was on the cusp of a wise friend observing that I rely too much on other people for my own happiness. He was totally right, and I knew I needed help. It's been 18 months since I started coming to meetings, and I see a huge difference. I'm finally learning to have patience with myself and trust in God's will for me. My heart is willing to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn hopes and expectations and outcomes over to God, and be of humble service. As the Big Book of AA suggests, I have not maintained anything like perfect adherence to these principles, but I claim spiritual progress (not spiritual perfection) (p. 58-60)
I know I've made progress because of how I've handled the recent boy situation. I've acted with "ease and grace" more than I ever would've thought possible before. I spent a week isolating from the boy, giving him the cold shoulder, being very selfish and self-seeking in making the situation all about me. I realized things wouldn't improve unless I was able to let it go and just focus on being myself. I was spending too much energy on the negative feelings, when I would be freer by accepting things as they are and moving on. I made the decision to just be myself around him, to go back to my friendly and cheerful personality. And I let go of any expectation for us. I had hoped we could talk about things and I could explain my behavior, but for the first time ever I didn't force it. My primary goal at the moment was to just be able to be comfortable around each other again. I didn't want to put up walls, but I also didn't force a solution. By just letting go of the awkwardness and letting go of any expectations for future interactions, we've been able to go back to pre-flirtation normality. I never would've done this before, and I'm incredibly grateful I was able to this time. I didn't cause any more harm, and we now have a chance to start over and potentially be friends.
Not surprisingly, the readings at my Tuesday night meeting the past few weeks have totally fit this part of my journey. One week we talked about Tradition Seven, which says "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." On page 115 of How Al-Anon Works, it says "Before Al-Anon, we often looked outside of ourselves for our peace of mind. In Al-Anon, we learn to take responsibility for our own recovery... we realize we no longer need to look for inner contentment outside of ourselves." This week, in reading about Changed Attitudes, the book read, "Before we can take effective action, before we can actually change a negative outlook to a positive one or change self-pity to gratitude, we have to accept ourselves precisely as we are." (p. 77) We also read this about expectations, "There is no better way to make ourselves feel victimized and helpless than by harboring unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, or by confusing expectations with needs and insisting they be met. Attaching our well-being to a particular action or outcome is risky... By seeking only the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out (Step Eleven), we make great strides towards developing an unshakeable inner peace and sense of security that cannot be threatened by mere circumstances." (p. 80)
So basically these readings and my recent boy experience boil down to this:
1. Before any change can happen, I have to accept myself exactly as I am. Acceptance is the first step because it helps us have a foundation on which to build lasting. For me, acceptance of myself means I accept how God made me, and I trust in God's will for me. No matter what happens externally, I know that inside I am loved, I am taken care of, and I am okay just as I am. Self-acceptance allows me to clear out the clutter of my life without losing myself or feeling lost. I also had to accept the boy and the situation as they were, because otherwise I would try to control and change them when they aren't within my responsibility or capacity to change or control. By accepting the reality of today, I can be open to choices and opportunities that can lead to positive changes and moves forward.
2. Expectations are not the same as needs. Attaching our well-being to particular actions or outcomes is risky. Expectations are hopes and anticipations that a certain outcome will result from a certain action. Expectations can be healthy, but often we (me, you, Al-Anons, those not in program, everyone) carry unrealistic expectations for other people. We expect things to be OUR way, or we think we NEED them to be a certain way to be successful, helpful, etc. We are not flexible in listening to a different perspective, following a different (but equally good or possibly better) method or course of action, and allowing mistakes. I know I used to be this way, and it caused nothing by frustration and resentment (on my part and on the part of others I tried to manage and control). I am learning to have realistic and appropriate expectations of other people, and to go into situations sometimes without ANY expectations. I have also discovered that my needs are a lot simpler than they used to be, and that truly all I need can be provided by my higher power (God) if I let him.
In any relationship - romantic, friendship, family, work - it is imperative that I accept myself just as I am before I can be an effective and positive contributor to the relationship. I can go into a situation with hopes or an idea of possible outcomes, but without expecting people to act or behave a certain way. It allows me to be surprised, to participate in new ways, and to enjoy what's happening (stay in the present). It also allows me to feel my feelings - happy, disappointed, proud, hurt, or any other emotion - then let them go, and do whatever I need to do next. These actions help me to know, regardless of whatever happens, the outcome doesn't change WHO I am and doesn't shake my inner contentment.
I know I've made progress because of how I've handled the recent boy situation. I've acted with "ease and grace" more than I ever would've thought possible before. I spent a week isolating from the boy, giving him the cold shoulder, being very selfish and self-seeking in making the situation all about me. I realized things wouldn't improve unless I was able to let it go and just focus on being myself. I was spending too much energy on the negative feelings, when I would be freer by accepting things as they are and moving on. I made the decision to just be myself around him, to go back to my friendly and cheerful personality. And I let go of any expectation for us. I had hoped we could talk about things and I could explain my behavior, but for the first time ever I didn't force it. My primary goal at the moment was to just be able to be comfortable around each other again. I didn't want to put up walls, but I also didn't force a solution. By just letting go of the awkwardness and letting go of any expectations for future interactions, we've been able to go back to pre-flirtation normality. I never would've done this before, and I'm incredibly grateful I was able to this time. I didn't cause any more harm, and we now have a chance to start over and potentially be friends.
Not surprisingly, the readings at my Tuesday night meeting the past few weeks have totally fit this part of my journey. One week we talked about Tradition Seven, which says "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." On page 115 of How Al-Anon Works, it says "Before Al-Anon, we often looked outside of ourselves for our peace of mind. In Al-Anon, we learn to take responsibility for our own recovery... we realize we no longer need to look for inner contentment outside of ourselves." This week, in reading about Changed Attitudes, the book read, "Before we can take effective action, before we can actually change a negative outlook to a positive one or change self-pity to gratitude, we have to accept ourselves precisely as we are." (p. 77) We also read this about expectations, "There is no better way to make ourselves feel victimized and helpless than by harboring unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, or by confusing expectations with needs and insisting they be met. Attaching our well-being to a particular action or outcome is risky... By seeking only the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out (Step Eleven), we make great strides towards developing an unshakeable inner peace and sense of security that cannot be threatened by mere circumstances." (p. 80)
So basically these readings and my recent boy experience boil down to this:
1. Before any change can happen, I have to accept myself exactly as I am. Acceptance is the first step because it helps us have a foundation on which to build lasting. For me, acceptance of myself means I accept how God made me, and I trust in God's will for me. No matter what happens externally, I know that inside I am loved, I am taken care of, and I am okay just as I am. Self-acceptance allows me to clear out the clutter of my life without losing myself or feeling lost. I also had to accept the boy and the situation as they were, because otherwise I would try to control and change them when they aren't within my responsibility or capacity to change or control. By accepting the reality of today, I can be open to choices and opportunities that can lead to positive changes and moves forward.
2. Expectations are not the same as needs. Attaching our well-being to particular actions or outcomes is risky. Expectations are hopes and anticipations that a certain outcome will result from a certain action. Expectations can be healthy, but often we (me, you, Al-Anons, those not in program, everyone) carry unrealistic expectations for other people. We expect things to be OUR way, or we think we NEED them to be a certain way to be successful, helpful, etc. We are not flexible in listening to a different perspective, following a different (but equally good or possibly better) method or course of action, and allowing mistakes. I know I used to be this way, and it caused nothing by frustration and resentment (on my part and on the part of others I tried to manage and control). I am learning to have realistic and appropriate expectations of other people, and to go into situations sometimes without ANY expectations. I have also discovered that my needs are a lot simpler than they used to be, and that truly all I need can be provided by my higher power (God) if I let him.
In any relationship - romantic, friendship, family, work - it is imperative that I accept myself just as I am before I can be an effective and positive contributor to the relationship. I can go into a situation with hopes or an idea of possible outcomes, but without expecting people to act or behave a certain way. It allows me to be surprised, to participate in new ways, and to enjoy what's happening (stay in the present). It also allows me to feel my feelings - happy, disappointed, proud, hurt, or any other emotion - then let them go, and do whatever I need to do next. These actions help me to know, regardless of whatever happens, the outcome doesn't change WHO I am and doesn't shake my inner contentment.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Letting it go
It's Wednesday morning, and I'm sitting at the dining room table having a cup of Tribute blend coffee (for Starbucks' 40th anniversary) and enjoying leftover homemade biscuits my roommate made with our dinner last night. It was an impromptu dinner of spaghetti with red sauce and biscuits, which perfectly summarizes our relationship sometimes. We get excited about an idea and one of us runs with it - in this case, I came up with the dinner idea but she actually ran with it and made it, doing it her way. In this way, I've learned to let go of control of something incredibly simple, like what I'm going to have for dinner and when.
I wish letting go was always that painless and easy, but it's not. Especially in personal relationships, and most especially in romantic ones.
I found out some information last Friday about a guy I had been developing a potential interest in, someone who had made his interest in me known pretty loud and clear (at least TO me, since we work together it couldn't be done super publicly). The work situation complicated things, and where I was at in my personal journey led me to set up the boundary of not dating. Long story short, the information I found out led me to question why the hell he would even voice an interest in me and whether I was just a lust object or not. I was pissed off and hurt for a minute, then mostly I turned to sadness and disappointment. I was mad he had been so forward with me when this other situation was going on, and I was hurt by his actions. Mostly, I was sad and disappointed that the situation had ended this way, and the possibility of us ever dating had (most likely, but who knows) ended entirely. I was disappointed in him, because I think he's a good guy and doesn't intentionally hurt people but I think he's confused and searching and didn't know how to handle this situation. Maybe he's more of a manipulator than I give him credit for, but I tend to believe the best in people. From conversations I've had with him, I want to believe the best in him.
So for the past 5 days, I've been struggling with my feelings around this situation. I have found insight and strength from meetings and from sharing the story with friends. Every time I talk it out, I feel better, and every meeting and conversation gives me a new piece of wisdom and a new perspective on it. I know I'm handling it better than I've handled similar situations before (not that I've ever been in this exact situation, but I've been in ones where things with guys change in a way I'm not expecting). But I'm still struggling.
I had to work with him for a full 8-hour shift Sunday night, and it was awful. He doesn't know about the information I received. We hadn't worked together or really talked/seen each other since the previous Sunday, a night where flirtation, joking, innuendo, and all that were sky-high and fun. This time, I didn't know how to act - I didn't want to encourage the flirtation and innuendo, and I knew it might happen if I was just my usual cheerful friendly self. My sponsor advised me to just be "light and polite" and focus on doing my job and being of service to the store and the customers. I tried, and I have to admit I was only moderately successful. When I saw him, the anger came back and the sadness, so I ended up putting up a massive wall. I hardly talked to him, barely met his eyes, and had to keep my emotions in check the whole night. It was hard, and it was frustrating because I'd been working so hard on learning the difference between walls and boundaries, and because I'd finally been learning over the last year how to be myself. It definitely affected my interactions with customers AND with my coworkers, which was also frustrating because normally I can put my personal stuff aside at work and this time I couldn't. It was not my finest hour of detachment, but I didn't really know HOW to detach in that situation. We still had an awesome close because we have an amazing Sunday night team and work really well together. But GOD it was awkward.
All week, I've been in a funk, trying to let go of the disappointment, anger, hurt, sadness, and really mostly let go of the possibility that our mutual interest in each other opened up. I've tried to do a mini-4th step on it, because I know I played a part and it was good to name it. I read my literature every day, I made sure I hit my daily writing goal for my 4th step, I've been praying, I had an admissions appointment at the grad school I want to attend, I painted yesterday for the first time in over a month, I've been reading for FUN. I'm doing all these things to help me keep living and I've still felt sadness and hollowness inside.
Last night our meeting was about "Live and Let Live" - detachment, and learning how to let go of other people's actions and behaviors so that we can live our own lives and focus on making the best decisions for ourselves. Absolutely what I needed to hear, because I need to stop trying to control how he participates in our friendship/relationship/situation/whatever it's called right now. I can only focus on how I am going to respond, act, and behave. I saw something on Facebook last night that gave me a bit more insight into him and compassion for him (which I've been trying to maintain since Friday, since I know he's probably just confused and searching and I can empathize with that struggle). Every fiber of my being was at war - one side wanting to try and make it right, to force a solution, to sort things out, to explain my behavior, to make him see and make him talk to me, and to clear the air while the OTHER side knew how destructive and unproductive those thoughts were and behaviors would be. The other side kept hearing the wisdom of "back off, shut up, don't force the solution, let go and let God, things will be okay if you just give it time and space". I have not felt this kind of war inside for quite sometime, and I'll be damned if it wasn't painful and nerve-wracking. Luckily, the program side won. I didn't text, didn't call, didn't say anything to ANYONE I shouldn't have. I did mention the war to my roommate and she was a good sounding board, and I felt better.
I also got a reminder I needed last night from a newcomer, who shared something from our book "How Al-Anon Works" about feelings: "It is also important to be reminded that feelings aren't facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of, reality. Therefore, they are not the best basis for decision-making. Other people can help us to value the experience of our emotions without acting on them in ways we might regret once the feelings have passed." OH MAN, did I need to hear that. I am feeling some pretty intense feelings right now, but the truth is they ARE NOT FACT. They are not reflections of a true external reality, just my impressions and reactions to the reality. Part of me hopes someday he and I can ever have a conversation where the "truth" and "reality" are cleared up, and I can make a decision on where to go from there. But for right now, all I have to go on is snippets of information and a lot of feeling. So keeping my mouth shut and NOT reacting out of feeling is exactly how I will not live in a place of regret. In previous romantic relationship situations I've had a lot of moments where I've thought/felt: "I shouldn't have said that, it was too intense" and wish I could take something back. So far, I don't have those regrets in this situation, and I want to keep it that way. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's one I am happy to say I am learning.
All in all, I just have to remember that I am taken care of and God has this whole thing under control. I say the relationship prayer a lot, which asks that God's will be done for me and for the other person, that God will take the relationship (whatever it is) and let it become what he wants it to be, and asks that I be shown the truth. I've received some truth, but I have not received the whole truth. Maybe I've received enough of the truth, and all I'll ever receive, but for right now I'm going to be patient and wait and try to let the universe sort itself out in this situation. I'm going to keep doing what I need and want to do for ME, to keep Living. I'm going to be pleasant with him tomorrow when I see him, since I've been able to do that almost every day we've worked together since this situation began except for one. It's important to me to show up, be present to my job and coworkers, to choose happiness, and to put trust in my higher power that everything will in fact be okay.
I wish letting go was always that painless and easy, but it's not. Especially in personal relationships, and most especially in romantic ones.
I found out some information last Friday about a guy I had been developing a potential interest in, someone who had made his interest in me known pretty loud and clear (at least TO me, since we work together it couldn't be done super publicly). The work situation complicated things, and where I was at in my personal journey led me to set up the boundary of not dating. Long story short, the information I found out led me to question why the hell he would even voice an interest in me and whether I was just a lust object or not. I was pissed off and hurt for a minute, then mostly I turned to sadness and disappointment. I was mad he had been so forward with me when this other situation was going on, and I was hurt by his actions. Mostly, I was sad and disappointed that the situation had ended this way, and the possibility of us ever dating had (most likely, but who knows) ended entirely. I was disappointed in him, because I think he's a good guy and doesn't intentionally hurt people but I think he's confused and searching and didn't know how to handle this situation. Maybe he's more of a manipulator than I give him credit for, but I tend to believe the best in people. From conversations I've had with him, I want to believe the best in him.
So for the past 5 days, I've been struggling with my feelings around this situation. I have found insight and strength from meetings and from sharing the story with friends. Every time I talk it out, I feel better, and every meeting and conversation gives me a new piece of wisdom and a new perspective on it. I know I'm handling it better than I've handled similar situations before (not that I've ever been in this exact situation, but I've been in ones where things with guys change in a way I'm not expecting). But I'm still struggling.
I had to work with him for a full 8-hour shift Sunday night, and it was awful. He doesn't know about the information I received. We hadn't worked together or really talked/seen each other since the previous Sunday, a night where flirtation, joking, innuendo, and all that were sky-high and fun. This time, I didn't know how to act - I didn't want to encourage the flirtation and innuendo, and I knew it might happen if I was just my usual cheerful friendly self. My sponsor advised me to just be "light and polite" and focus on doing my job and being of service to the store and the customers. I tried, and I have to admit I was only moderately successful. When I saw him, the anger came back and the sadness, so I ended up putting up a massive wall. I hardly talked to him, barely met his eyes, and had to keep my emotions in check the whole night. It was hard, and it was frustrating because I'd been working so hard on learning the difference between walls and boundaries, and because I'd finally been learning over the last year how to be myself. It definitely affected my interactions with customers AND with my coworkers, which was also frustrating because normally I can put my personal stuff aside at work and this time I couldn't. It was not my finest hour of detachment, but I didn't really know HOW to detach in that situation. We still had an awesome close because we have an amazing Sunday night team and work really well together. But GOD it was awkward.
All week, I've been in a funk, trying to let go of the disappointment, anger, hurt, sadness, and really mostly let go of the possibility that our mutual interest in each other opened up. I've tried to do a mini-4th step on it, because I know I played a part and it was good to name it. I read my literature every day, I made sure I hit my daily writing goal for my 4th step, I've been praying, I had an admissions appointment at the grad school I want to attend, I painted yesterday for the first time in over a month, I've been reading for FUN. I'm doing all these things to help me keep living and I've still felt sadness and hollowness inside.
Last night our meeting was about "Live and Let Live" - detachment, and learning how to let go of other people's actions and behaviors so that we can live our own lives and focus on making the best decisions for ourselves. Absolutely what I needed to hear, because I need to stop trying to control how he participates in our friendship/relationship/situation/whatever it's called right now. I can only focus on how I am going to respond, act, and behave. I saw something on Facebook last night that gave me a bit more insight into him and compassion for him (which I've been trying to maintain since Friday, since I know he's probably just confused and searching and I can empathize with that struggle). Every fiber of my being was at war - one side wanting to try and make it right, to force a solution, to sort things out, to explain my behavior, to make him see and make him talk to me, and to clear the air while the OTHER side knew how destructive and unproductive those thoughts were and behaviors would be. The other side kept hearing the wisdom of "back off, shut up, don't force the solution, let go and let God, things will be okay if you just give it time and space". I have not felt this kind of war inside for quite sometime, and I'll be damned if it wasn't painful and nerve-wracking. Luckily, the program side won. I didn't text, didn't call, didn't say anything to ANYONE I shouldn't have. I did mention the war to my roommate and she was a good sounding board, and I felt better.
I also got a reminder I needed last night from a newcomer, who shared something from our book "How Al-Anon Works" about feelings: "It is also important to be reminded that feelings aren't facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of, reality. Therefore, they are not the best basis for decision-making. Other people can help us to value the experience of our emotions without acting on them in ways we might regret once the feelings have passed." OH MAN, did I need to hear that. I am feeling some pretty intense feelings right now, but the truth is they ARE NOT FACT. They are not reflections of a true external reality, just my impressions and reactions to the reality. Part of me hopes someday he and I can ever have a conversation where the "truth" and "reality" are cleared up, and I can make a decision on where to go from there. But for right now, all I have to go on is snippets of information and a lot of feeling. So keeping my mouth shut and NOT reacting out of feeling is exactly how I will not live in a place of regret. In previous romantic relationship situations I've had a lot of moments where I've thought/felt: "I shouldn't have said that, it was too intense" and wish I could take something back. So far, I don't have those regrets in this situation, and I want to keep it that way. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's one I am happy to say I am learning.
All in all, I just have to remember that I am taken care of and God has this whole thing under control. I say the relationship prayer a lot, which asks that God's will be done for me and for the other person, that God will take the relationship (whatever it is) and let it become what he wants it to be, and asks that I be shown the truth. I've received some truth, but I have not received the whole truth. Maybe I've received enough of the truth, and all I'll ever receive, but for right now I'm going to be patient and wait and try to let the universe sort itself out in this situation. I'm going to keep doing what I need and want to do for ME, to keep Living. I'm going to be pleasant with him tomorrow when I see him, since I've been able to do that almost every day we've worked together since this situation began except for one. It's important to me to show up, be present to my job and coworkers, to choose happiness, and to put trust in my higher power that everything will in fact be okay.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Promises
In the midst of a very painful crappy week, I found solace many times reading a section from the book "From Survival to Recovery" (parts of which are adapted into what's known as the Al-Anon Promises).
Al-Anon Promises
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we will never be perfect, continued spiritual progress can reveal to us our enormous potential. Many of us discover what our fellow members already know - that we are both worthy of love and loving. We learn to love ourselves without losing ourselves, and we accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and distorted, will clear enough for us to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. It will become possible for us to risk failure and develop new, previously-hidden talents. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will offer hope to share with others. We begin to feel and know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them. Our secrets no longer have to bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices expand. With dignity, we stand for ourselves, without standing against others. Serenity and peace will have new meaning as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace. No longer terrified, we discover that we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe. We laugh more. Faith replaces fear and gratitude comes naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Can we really grow to such proportions? As we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness, we gradually begin to notice these changes. We may see them first in those who walk beside us. Sometimes these changes happen slowly or haltingly, and occasionally with great bursts of brilliance! As we work the Steps, we more ever closer toward light, toward health, and toward our Higher Power. As we watch others grow, we realize we are also changing. Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no tragedy, cruelty or injustice to face? Probably not, but we can acquire a growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, rage, and depression can fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We come to know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough."
Every time I hear this passage at my Tuesday night meeting, something new sticks out. One of my favorite sentences is: "We will become mature responsible adults with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder." This is exactly why I joined Al-Anon. I wanted to become mature and responsible, to be able to have healthy relationships, to feel happy and to experience joy. But as the passage says at the end, we will probably not feel that way all the time. We will make mistakes and yet we'll accept our humanness better and will be able to bounce back more quickly and without too much harm or destruction. I totally found this to be true last week. I would get caught up in feeling crappy, and normally that would make me reach out to the wrong person (an inappropriate person - someone who couldn't support me how I wanted or someone who didn't need to know about the struggle). Last week I was able to reach out to program friends, to keep myself busy with work and writing and other activities, and to focus on being of service. I also made the decision to be happy on the days after I cried myself to sleep. Somehow this decision proved a trust in God, a trust that I was taken care of no matter what, that I was cared for and loved regardless of my emotional state. I made the decision to be happy and to be of service, and it was so fruitful!
Like the passage says, "Our sight, once clouded and distorted, will clear enough for us to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will offer hope to share with others. Serenity and peace will have new meaning as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace." I feel like I am seeing things more clearly. Last week, many of my emotions were hormone-driven (I love being a girl!) but a lot of them were also FEAR-driven. I don't know if I would've been able to name the fear quite so succinctly before program. I also didn't realize THAT'S what I needed to admit out loud to someone else before I would feel better. It didn't come out until Saturday night what exactly I was afraid of, and it came in a loud tearful yet smiling rant to my roommate after spending all week trying to talk to friends and my sponsor and pray about things. I didn't even realize what the driving force was until I said it out loud. I saw things more clearly, I recognized truth. I had the courage to say it and to let it go. That led to an amazing about of peace and serenity. My life is no longer as battered and degraded as I once felt, and this DOES allow me to channel God's ease, balance, and grace in my own life. Last night at work, I was able to be genuinely happy, peaceful, and at ease despite some potential triggers. Over-communication in some cases does actually work out okay!
One part of the passage I always love hearing is: "We laugh more. Faith replaces fear and gratitude comes naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. As we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness, we gradually begin to notice these changes. Sometimes these changes happen slowly or haltingly, and occasionally with great bursts of brilliance! We come to know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough." I definitely find I laugh and smile more since being in program. I laugh and smile more genuinely since being in program. I find I can make my gratitude list without thinking about the things life is missing. I recognize I am in a process, that perfection will never happen, and that progress is most important. I am changing, and though I may not always see it, I know I am different and I also know that however I show up is OKAY and is ENOUGH for that moment.
As you can see, reading a passage like this every day, every week, or when I'm feeling down is incredibly helpful in putting things back into perspective and giving me HOPE. I'm so hopeful for whatever the future holds, but I'm happy to just be happy and okay in today. For today, I am enough.
Al-Anon Promises
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we will never be perfect, continued spiritual progress can reveal to us our enormous potential. Many of us discover what our fellow members already know - that we are both worthy of love and loving. We learn to love ourselves without losing ourselves, and we accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and distorted, will clear enough for us to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. It will become possible for us to risk failure and develop new, previously-hidden talents. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will offer hope to share with others. We begin to feel and know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them. Our secrets no longer have to bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices expand. With dignity, we stand for ourselves, without standing against others. Serenity and peace will have new meaning as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace. No longer terrified, we discover that we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe. We laugh more. Faith replaces fear and gratitude comes naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Can we really grow to such proportions? As we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness, we gradually begin to notice these changes. We may see them first in those who walk beside us. Sometimes these changes happen slowly or haltingly, and occasionally with great bursts of brilliance! As we work the Steps, we more ever closer toward light, toward health, and toward our Higher Power. As we watch others grow, we realize we are also changing. Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no tragedy, cruelty or injustice to face? Probably not, but we can acquire a growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, rage, and depression can fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We come to know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough."
Every time I hear this passage at my Tuesday night meeting, something new sticks out. One of my favorite sentences is: "We will become mature responsible adults with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder." This is exactly why I joined Al-Anon. I wanted to become mature and responsible, to be able to have healthy relationships, to feel happy and to experience joy. But as the passage says at the end, we will probably not feel that way all the time. We will make mistakes and yet we'll accept our humanness better and will be able to bounce back more quickly and without too much harm or destruction. I totally found this to be true last week. I would get caught up in feeling crappy, and normally that would make me reach out to the wrong person (an inappropriate person - someone who couldn't support me how I wanted or someone who didn't need to know about the struggle). Last week I was able to reach out to program friends, to keep myself busy with work and writing and other activities, and to focus on being of service. I also made the decision to be happy on the days after I cried myself to sleep. Somehow this decision proved a trust in God, a trust that I was taken care of no matter what, that I was cared for and loved regardless of my emotional state. I made the decision to be happy and to be of service, and it was so fruitful!
Like the passage says, "Our sight, once clouded and distorted, will clear enough for us to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will offer hope to share with others. Serenity and peace will have new meaning as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace." I feel like I am seeing things more clearly. Last week, many of my emotions were hormone-driven (I love being a girl!) but a lot of them were also FEAR-driven. I don't know if I would've been able to name the fear quite so succinctly before program. I also didn't realize THAT'S what I needed to admit out loud to someone else before I would feel better. It didn't come out until Saturday night what exactly I was afraid of, and it came in a loud tearful yet smiling rant to my roommate after spending all week trying to talk to friends and my sponsor and pray about things. I didn't even realize what the driving force was until I said it out loud. I saw things more clearly, I recognized truth. I had the courage to say it and to let it go. That led to an amazing about of peace and serenity. My life is no longer as battered and degraded as I once felt, and this DOES allow me to channel God's ease, balance, and grace in my own life. Last night at work, I was able to be genuinely happy, peaceful, and at ease despite some potential triggers. Over-communication in some cases does actually work out okay!
One part of the passage I always love hearing is: "We laugh more. Faith replaces fear and gratitude comes naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. As we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness, we gradually begin to notice these changes. Sometimes these changes happen slowly or haltingly, and occasionally with great bursts of brilliance! We come to know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough." I definitely find I laugh and smile more since being in program. I laugh and smile more genuinely since being in program. I find I can make my gratitude list without thinking about the things life is missing. I recognize I am in a process, that perfection will never happen, and that progress is most important. I am changing, and though I may not always see it, I know I am different and I also know that however I show up is OKAY and is ENOUGH for that moment.
As you can see, reading a passage like this every day, every week, or when I'm feeling down is incredibly helpful in putting things back into perspective and giving me HOPE. I'm so hopeful for whatever the future holds, but I'm happy to just be happy and okay in today. For today, I am enough.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Good Boundaries, not an easy task
Today I was able to have a difficult conversation with someone I care about in one way, and have the potential to care about in another way. We were both able to enter the conversation with humor, openness, honesty, trust, and respect. While the decision made was disappointing, we were both still able to laugh, joke, and be okay with it. I cried, but I had peace and acceptance because I know it was the right decision and that healthy boundaries were established and respected. And the other person was amazing with the whole situation. I'm so grateful for it and for him. Whatever happens from here, I'm okay and happy and completely open to God's will wherever it leads.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Uncertainty versus what?
I've been struggling recently with the idea of uncertainty and detachment, and learning how to be comfortable in the unknown without becoming paralyzed. Maybe that's not fair - I don't know that I've been "struggling" with it per se. It has been my old way of thinking and behaving to HAVE to act and HAVE to say something, even if I'm not sure what to say, what to do, or how to react or respond to a situation. Oftentimes, my need to act ends up making a situation more complicated and more intense than I want it to be or intended it to be. I recognize the need to be upfront and honest, and to communicate boundaries and expectations. I know those are important qualities to any relationship, friendship, and situation. However, there is a difference between communicating and overcommunicating, and sometimes overcommunication is NOT helpful (though in others, like my living situation with my roommate, it is VERY helpful for preventing resentments and enjoying each other). There is also a difference between being detached and lighthearted and present to today, and hiding feelings or shutting down or isolating. There's a fine line between keeping something to yourself for healthy detachment reasons and keeping something to yourself because you're afraid of what the consequences will be if you share.
I am probably being overly analytical about this particular situation, and I recognize this. I'm working on turning it over to God, and just not worrying about the outcomes. I am doing the best I can today, and if I make a mistake (over-communicate, make a situation more complicated than it needs to be, obsess/spin), at least I'll be aware of it faster and be able to let it go easier. I know I'm changing, I know I'm learning to be less serious and less intense. Every relationship, every friendship, every situation is going to help me continue becoming the person I want to be, even if I don't show up in the lighthearted, simple, detached, fun-loving way I want every time. I'll get there; progress, not perfection :)
I am probably being overly analytical about this particular situation, and I recognize this. I'm working on turning it over to God, and just not worrying about the outcomes. I am doing the best I can today, and if I make a mistake (over-communicate, make a situation more complicated than it needs to be, obsess/spin), at least I'll be aware of it faster and be able to let it go easier. I know I'm changing, I know I'm learning to be less serious and less intense. Every relationship, every friendship, every situation is going to help me continue becoming the person I want to be, even if I don't show up in the lighthearted, simple, detached, fun-loving way I want every time. I'll get there; progress, not perfection :)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Changing Relationships
I apologize in advance for the random and rambling entry about to follow... Over the past week, I have been bombarded with different ideas, reflections, perspectives, and definitions of what being in relationship with others really means. I've experienced changing relationships with family and friends, I've opened my mind and heart to a simpler and more concrete relationship with my higher power (who I know as God), and I have become at peace with different types of romantic relationships that could be possible in my life.
Where do I begin?
FAMILY: At Christmas, I was asked what some of the miracles of the previous year were, and I mentioned my relationship with my dad. That relationship continues to grow and change. I no longer feel scared or intimidated to open up to him and talk to him about what's going on in my life. Whether it's boys, school, work, family, program or faith, no topic is taboo for me any more when talking to my dad. My dad is not the most emotional or the most communicative guy, but my calling every week or every other week regularly has allowed us a chance to practice communicating regularly for the first time in years. He may not always open up right away, but he has started to ask me deeper questions, and he says things that let me know how much he appreciates our regular chats. The reason this relationship is changing is because I'm showing up differently (by showing up at all) and because I'm not afraid to be myself with him. This is truly a miracle for me. I mention it now, because he sent me a Valentine's Day card and a postcard he and Rox got on their trip to Florida last week, AND because he called me at least twice over my birthday weekend (once on my birthday and once the next day) because he knew I wanted to talk to him on/around my birthday. Neither of those things would have happened a year or two ago. It's such a blessing!
CLOSE FRIENDS: A couple weeks back I was able to spend time with my best friend Stephanie for her birthday. Steph, her husband, and their two kids met me and another mutual friend of ours at the Museum of Science and Industry for an afternoon adventure, then we went out to the 'burbs to have dinner and cupcakes. Stephanie and Lori are two women that I have always considered two of my closest women friends, and we've all been through growing pains as the friendships have evolved over the past 6-8 years. I used to be jealous of how close they were and how much more often they hung out. I used to get upset and hurt when either of them would not call or wouldn't be willing to come into the city to hang out. I used to get "irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it" (as the suggested opening for Al-Anon meetings says). I don't feel that way anymore. I'm so grateful for their friendship, that I express gratitude any time we do get to talk and hang out. I don't layer on this underlying guilt trip about not being better in touch - I simply enjoy the time I spend with them and try to share myself and learn about their lives in the time we're together. I try to be of service, and I don't try to control. It's been a huge blessing - the friendships have mellowed and strengthened. They are still two of my closest female friends, and I'm more convinced now than ever that they are there for me no matter what, and I can trust them and count on them if I ever need them.
FRIENDSHIP: The ability to be myself and to let go of the need to have everyone be my friend and like me expands beyond my closest friends. My birthday was last weekend, and I hosted two gatherings. One was a dinner/drinks evening at a bar/restaurant near where I work. The other was a girls-only Art Nite at my apartment the evening of my actual birthday. For both events, I invited a large number of people but I had absolutely no expectation about anyone being there. I didn't even have an expectation for my roommate because originally she was going to be out of town, and I had just not quite reverted back to the "Oh, she IS going to be here" mentality. Both events ended up being wonderful. I was so grateful to spend time with the ladies (and a couple gentlemen) who came, and I was not hurt or upset by anyone who couldn't come. I no longer expect the world to stop and have me at their center. I'm grateful for the ones who made time in their schedule to celebrate with me, and I was able to stay in the present moment and enjoy the company of the people there! It's such a blessing to feel genuine surprise, joy, and gratitude for the people who show up in your life. I have found that having no expectations means I don't get disappointed. It doesn't mean I don't have reasonable expectations when appropriate (like people showing up for work), but not having impossibly high standards means people can just show up as they are when they are able and I can celebrate with them. What a change in attitude for me.
ROMANTIC: Another relationship area I'm discovering changed attitudes with is romantic relationships. This one is harder because I have so much anxiety, self-worth, and expectation wound up in my idea of a romantic relationship. Especially after my most recent ex-boyfriend, I don't think I truly understood what a non serious-commitment relationship might look like. I couldn't even tell you or remember what just dating looked like! I'm not sure if I've ever done just dating... although to be fair, the two boys I dated in college were more dating relationships than "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationships, and I can see that more now though I did not treat it that way then. A coworker of mine has recently made it known that he finds me attractive and it's too bad we work together or it would be fun to go on a first date. This came up when we were all working Super Bowl Sunday night and it was deader than a doornail in the store. I had read an article on Yahoo's front page that morning called "Five Questions that tell you if its meant to be". It basically talked about five great first date questions to get past the "So, where are you from, what do you do?" questions that are generic and don't always get at the meat of a person. So this guy said to the other couple folks and I that we should all pretend to be on a first date and answer the questions (and one of the other people suggested a sixth question - "If you could go back 10 years and tell yourself something what would it be?") It was a fun night, and it was enjoyable to discover that my ass is distracting ;) It's been a running joke with us all week since he told me, and he said if I'm ever uncomfortable to let him know. It's not, it's flattering. Here's the funny part, and why it has helped change my view on relationships - he's a good guy, I think we would have a lot of fun together and enjoy each others company. He's cute in his own way, but what I know of him makes me suspect that if we were to ever date, it probably would be a casual dating situation that wouldn't end up anything serious. I could be wrong, who knows, but it reminds me a lot of my relationship with my first college boyfriend. And I'm totally okay with that! I would be absolutely fine and interested in spending time with someone whose company I enjoyed and with whom I could share physical attraction. This idea of it being okay to date without expecting a possibly serious long-term commitment is TOTALLY new and foreign to me. I've always been the "I would never date someone I couldn't see a potential future with" person. The problem with that attitude is it creates impossible expectations from the very first date. It's okay to just spend time with, explore physical attraction, and get to know someone without planning a future life together. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean I'm not open to dating those type of people either. If, for example, the boy back home and I decided to give it a try, I'd be open to it, and although I have futurized what us being together could look like, I think I'm learning how to be open and in the present and not worried about what the future will be. Probably harder if tested, but my idea of dating and romance and intimate relationships is broadening so I don't feel confined by specific definitions anymore. Dating or otherwise!
FAITH and GOD: Which brings me to the last and final relationship that is starting to shift in a more dramatic way... my relationship with God. And it truly is becoming a RELATIONSHIP. I just finished reading "The Shack" this week. I've never felt a book is particularly or dramatically life-changing before, but this one really got me thinking, or at least put a final sense of clarity on some themes I hadn't quite consciously or concretely formed or thought through in my head. Ideas about God being more than rules and laws, about God desiring to be in relationship with us, God wanting us to surrender our independence so we may have an interdependence on him and his love. The ideas that God (all three persons) loves me no matter what, that he doesn't create evil but that doesn't mean he can't use evil towards his final good purpose - these were not new or unique, but in the context of the book I was able to hear and understand and embrace them. I've been working on turning my will over to God, on being willing and learning to surrender, but I kept getting blocked by my own mind's idea of what those were supposed to mean or look like. In the book, all God asks of us is to accept God's love and accept his invitation to love and serve and be in relationship with him. God wants us to live in him, so that he may live and love through us. I have heard these ideas so many times in context of homilies, or retreat talks, or theological readings. For some reason, this book opened it up for me. It is challenging me to see my faith in a completely new way, to look beyond my previous identity as a Catholic or even a Christian and to truly live and breathe and see others as children of God. I can't express any more excitedly or profoundly how much this has impacted me this week. I feel as though some weight has lifted and puzzle pieces have clicked and locked into place. I get it, and I see more clearly now. It's amazing, absolutely astounding to me.
Alright, so the end has come, and I feel as though I have written a book. I apologized at the beginning and I'll do it again now - sorry for the long and crazy rambling. I hope some of what I've shared has been helpful for you, and if not, thanks for letting me share anyway! Blessings to you today and always!
Where do I begin?
FAMILY: At Christmas, I was asked what some of the miracles of the previous year were, and I mentioned my relationship with my dad. That relationship continues to grow and change. I no longer feel scared or intimidated to open up to him and talk to him about what's going on in my life. Whether it's boys, school, work, family, program or faith, no topic is taboo for me any more when talking to my dad. My dad is not the most emotional or the most communicative guy, but my calling every week or every other week regularly has allowed us a chance to practice communicating regularly for the first time in years. He may not always open up right away, but he has started to ask me deeper questions, and he says things that let me know how much he appreciates our regular chats. The reason this relationship is changing is because I'm showing up differently (by showing up at all) and because I'm not afraid to be myself with him. This is truly a miracle for me. I mention it now, because he sent me a Valentine's Day card and a postcard he and Rox got on their trip to Florida last week, AND because he called me at least twice over my birthday weekend (once on my birthday and once the next day) because he knew I wanted to talk to him on/around my birthday. Neither of those things would have happened a year or two ago. It's such a blessing!
CLOSE FRIENDS: A couple weeks back I was able to spend time with my best friend Stephanie for her birthday. Steph, her husband, and their two kids met me and another mutual friend of ours at the Museum of Science and Industry for an afternoon adventure, then we went out to the 'burbs to have dinner and cupcakes. Stephanie and Lori are two women that I have always considered two of my closest women friends, and we've all been through growing pains as the friendships have evolved over the past 6-8 years. I used to be jealous of how close they were and how much more often they hung out. I used to get upset and hurt when either of them would not call or wouldn't be willing to come into the city to hang out. I used to get "irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it" (as the suggested opening for Al-Anon meetings says). I don't feel that way anymore. I'm so grateful for their friendship, that I express gratitude any time we do get to talk and hang out. I don't layer on this underlying guilt trip about not being better in touch - I simply enjoy the time I spend with them and try to share myself and learn about their lives in the time we're together. I try to be of service, and I don't try to control. It's been a huge blessing - the friendships have mellowed and strengthened. They are still two of my closest female friends, and I'm more convinced now than ever that they are there for me no matter what, and I can trust them and count on them if I ever need them.
FRIENDSHIP: The ability to be myself and to let go of the need to have everyone be my friend and like me expands beyond my closest friends. My birthday was last weekend, and I hosted two gatherings. One was a dinner/drinks evening at a bar/restaurant near where I work. The other was a girls-only Art Nite at my apartment the evening of my actual birthday. For both events, I invited a large number of people but I had absolutely no expectation about anyone being there. I didn't even have an expectation for my roommate because originally she was going to be out of town, and I had just not quite reverted back to the "Oh, she IS going to be here" mentality. Both events ended up being wonderful. I was so grateful to spend time with the ladies (and a couple gentlemen) who came, and I was not hurt or upset by anyone who couldn't come. I no longer expect the world to stop and have me at their center. I'm grateful for the ones who made time in their schedule to celebrate with me, and I was able to stay in the present moment and enjoy the company of the people there! It's such a blessing to feel genuine surprise, joy, and gratitude for the people who show up in your life. I have found that having no expectations means I don't get disappointed. It doesn't mean I don't have reasonable expectations when appropriate (like people showing up for work), but not having impossibly high standards means people can just show up as they are when they are able and I can celebrate with them. What a change in attitude for me.
ROMANTIC: Another relationship area I'm discovering changed attitudes with is romantic relationships. This one is harder because I have so much anxiety, self-worth, and expectation wound up in my idea of a romantic relationship. Especially after my most recent ex-boyfriend, I don't think I truly understood what a non serious-commitment relationship might look like. I couldn't even tell you or remember what just dating looked like! I'm not sure if I've ever done just dating... although to be fair, the two boys I dated in college were more dating relationships than "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationships, and I can see that more now though I did not treat it that way then. A coworker of mine has recently made it known that he finds me attractive and it's too bad we work together or it would be fun to go on a first date. This came up when we were all working Super Bowl Sunday night and it was deader than a doornail in the store. I had read an article on Yahoo's front page that morning called "Five Questions that tell you if its meant to be". It basically talked about five great first date questions to get past the "So, where are you from, what do you do?" questions that are generic and don't always get at the meat of a person. So this guy said to the other couple folks and I that we should all pretend to be on a first date and answer the questions (and one of the other people suggested a sixth question - "If you could go back 10 years and tell yourself something what would it be?") It was a fun night, and it was enjoyable to discover that my ass is distracting ;) It's been a running joke with us all week since he told me, and he said if I'm ever uncomfortable to let him know. It's not, it's flattering. Here's the funny part, and why it has helped change my view on relationships - he's a good guy, I think we would have a lot of fun together and enjoy each others company. He's cute in his own way, but what I know of him makes me suspect that if we were to ever date, it probably would be a casual dating situation that wouldn't end up anything serious. I could be wrong, who knows, but it reminds me a lot of my relationship with my first college boyfriend. And I'm totally okay with that! I would be absolutely fine and interested in spending time with someone whose company I enjoyed and with whom I could share physical attraction. This idea of it being okay to date without expecting a possibly serious long-term commitment is TOTALLY new and foreign to me. I've always been the "I would never date someone I couldn't see a potential future with" person. The problem with that attitude is it creates impossible expectations from the very first date. It's okay to just spend time with, explore physical attraction, and get to know someone without planning a future life together. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean I'm not open to dating those type of people either. If, for example, the boy back home and I decided to give it a try, I'd be open to it, and although I have futurized what us being together could look like, I think I'm learning how to be open and in the present and not worried about what the future will be. Probably harder if tested, but my idea of dating and romance and intimate relationships is broadening so I don't feel confined by specific definitions anymore. Dating or otherwise!
FAITH and GOD: Which brings me to the last and final relationship that is starting to shift in a more dramatic way... my relationship with God. And it truly is becoming a RELATIONSHIP. I just finished reading "The Shack" this week. I've never felt a book is particularly or dramatically life-changing before, but this one really got me thinking, or at least put a final sense of clarity on some themes I hadn't quite consciously or concretely formed or thought through in my head. Ideas about God being more than rules and laws, about God desiring to be in relationship with us, God wanting us to surrender our independence so we may have an interdependence on him and his love. The ideas that God (all three persons) loves me no matter what, that he doesn't create evil but that doesn't mean he can't use evil towards his final good purpose - these were not new or unique, but in the context of the book I was able to hear and understand and embrace them. I've been working on turning my will over to God, on being willing and learning to surrender, but I kept getting blocked by my own mind's idea of what those were supposed to mean or look like. In the book, all God asks of us is to accept God's love and accept his invitation to love and serve and be in relationship with him. God wants us to live in him, so that he may live and love through us. I have heard these ideas so many times in context of homilies, or retreat talks, or theological readings. For some reason, this book opened it up for me. It is challenging me to see my faith in a completely new way, to look beyond my previous identity as a Catholic or even a Christian and to truly live and breathe and see others as children of God. I can't express any more excitedly or profoundly how much this has impacted me this week. I feel as though some weight has lifted and puzzle pieces have clicked and locked into place. I get it, and I see more clearly now. It's amazing, absolutely astounding to me.
Alright, so the end has come, and I feel as though I have written a book. I apologized at the beginning and I'll do it again now - sorry for the long and crazy rambling. I hope some of what I've shared has been helpful for you, and if not, thanks for letting me share anyway! Blessings to you today and always!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
SNOW DAY!
Normally I blog about more serious things, but when 20 inches of snow falls over the course of 24 hours in Chicago and shuts down the city, I think that's worthy of a blog post :)
Getting home yesterday from work was an adventure... I left about 3:00, and it was as though it was rush hour and the Cubs were playing a night game. The trains were packed, the stations were packed, and it took a bit longer to get home than normal. Luckily, my whole attitude was "Hey, I'm just heading home like everyone else, and I don't have to go anywhere or do anything once I'm there, so I'm in no rush." I certainly didn't let everyone onto the train ahead of me, but I did wait for two trains to go by before I began to be aggressive about getting on one. Totally reasonable and fair, right?
Last night, a friend came over for dinner and ended up spending the night and enjoying the snow storm with us. We have a pretty good view of things from our apartment - we're at the corner of an intersection where our street dead ends into a pretty main thoroughfare. The snow was actually blowing UPWARDS last night, and we did hear some snow thunder and saw some snow lightening. We went out about 9:30-10:00 to see how things looked. We took pictures, made snow angels, just enjoyed the blowing drifting snow! My roommate and I walked two blocks west to a pretty main intersection in our neighborhood and everything was dark and closed! We made a couple more snow angels and walked back (and by walk, I mean "stair-climb hiked"). This morning when we woke up, there was another foot of snow outside, and it was definitely "white out conditions." Things started to taper off by 11:30-12, and that's when my roommate decided to bundle up and go out exploring. She spent three hours outside taking pictures and walking around by the lake with a couple friends. I spent the whole day inside, except for the five minutes I went outside to take pictures of our sidewalk and street, cars and bushes and more! I worked on some art projects, wrote emails, watched movies, took a nap, and more.
The best part about this snow day is I did not have to work, and I had no other obligations. I was supposed to give a lead at the meeting tonight but decided not to make the trek out into the snow and cold, and it worked out because a few people who lived closer were able to fill in! I was able to relax, be creative, rest, spend time with my roommate, and not worry. It was a phenomenal day, and I'm grateful for the forced/self-imposed day of rest :)
Getting home yesterday from work was an adventure... I left about 3:00, and it was as though it was rush hour and the Cubs were playing a night game. The trains were packed, the stations were packed, and it took a bit longer to get home than normal. Luckily, my whole attitude was "Hey, I'm just heading home like everyone else, and I don't have to go anywhere or do anything once I'm there, so I'm in no rush." I certainly didn't let everyone onto the train ahead of me, but I did wait for two trains to go by before I began to be aggressive about getting on one. Totally reasonable and fair, right?
Last night, a friend came over for dinner and ended up spending the night and enjoying the snow storm with us. We have a pretty good view of things from our apartment - we're at the corner of an intersection where our street dead ends into a pretty main thoroughfare. The snow was actually blowing UPWARDS last night, and we did hear some snow thunder and saw some snow lightening. We went out about 9:30-10:00 to see how things looked. We took pictures, made snow angels, just enjoyed the blowing drifting snow! My roommate and I walked two blocks west to a pretty main intersection in our neighborhood and everything was dark and closed! We made a couple more snow angels and walked back (and by walk, I mean "stair-climb hiked"). This morning when we woke up, there was another foot of snow outside, and it was definitely "white out conditions." Things started to taper off by 11:30-12, and that's when my roommate decided to bundle up and go out exploring. She spent three hours outside taking pictures and walking around by the lake with a couple friends. I spent the whole day inside, except for the five minutes I went outside to take pictures of our sidewalk and street, cars and bushes and more! I worked on some art projects, wrote emails, watched movies, took a nap, and more.
The best part about this snow day is I did not have to work, and I had no other obligations. I was supposed to give a lead at the meeting tonight but decided not to make the trek out into the snow and cold, and it worked out because a few people who lived closer were able to fill in! I was able to relax, be creative, rest, spend time with my roommate, and not worry. It was a phenomenal day, and I'm grateful for the forced/self-imposed day of rest :)
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