Oooh Boy. Just when you think you've got one set of demons somewhat dealt with, a whole new batch of them comes wailing down the pipes. "Hello! Yoohoo! Over here! Did you forget about me? Just wanted to make sure you knew I was still around."
God almighty. I did not see this coming. I literally hadn't felt so awful in years, at least three years to be exact. All the old feelings of not being good enough came roaring up out of nowhere. I had the most amazing weekend, feeling beautiful, sexy, confident, happy, fun-loving, making close connections with girlfriends, strengthening my spirituality, feeling so good. SO GOOD. And out of freaking NOWHERE comes this torrent of negative self-defeating nasty ugly awful thoughts. Obsession. Constant looking outside of myself to feel better. LIES LIES LIES.
The good thing is, I know it's all crap. Those feelings and thoughts no longer fit who I am. They are currently making an attempt on my life, my progress, my recovery, my beautiful loving kind generous creative articulate kind fun-loving nature. But they are not going to win. HELL NO. Because this time, this time I have tools. I have the love of a God my understanding who cares about me, has a plan for me, sees me as I really am and accepts me unconditionally. I have friends in program I can call, text, or email when I'm having a bad day or feeling this way. I have a sponsor who is there for me, who listens, who can challenge me and support me in this whole recovery process. I have tricks and tools and I am going to kick this negativity's ass.
My sponsor tells me that this program is about tearing down the ego and getting rid of our fears. But the ego does not give up without a fight. It gets scared, scared of change, scared of not being in control, scared of freedom to live life on life's terms and scared of being loved. She said that these feelings are appropriate to where I'm at in the steps and in recovery... I'm on my 8th step, writing down the people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all. Harder than the 4th step, because now I have to actually admit my character defects. I have to actually write how I was arrogant, judgmental, controlling, rigid, jealous, etc. And I know the next step is admitting it out loud, and apologizing directly for some of those things. So instead of turning my trust over to God and surrendering to his will and believing in his love, I turn to obsession and fear and control and self-will.
The feelings aren't going away easily, and I don't like the way they're manifesting themselves (especially the obsession). But I think, or at least I hope, I'm causing too much harm with them. There are some pretty wonderful people in my life I would hate to push away and ruin things with by my crazy thinking. However, I think most of those people know I'm on a journey of self-improvement and can recognize the ebb and flow of it, and have patience and acceptance and tolerance with it.
That's my prayer... for them and for myself.
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