Spiritual Journey

I've been aware over the past 7 weeks or so that my relationship with God and my relationship with organized religion are on two different paths. While I feel like I am closer to God than I ever have been before, I've also felt very separated from the Church and from a "worship" community. Don't get my wrong, this separation is not a negative thing. I actually feel more confident in my belief and faith in God than I ever have. The daily prayers I say are not just words:

"God, I offer myself to you, to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to your love, your power, and your way of life. May I do your will always." (Third Step Prayer)

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen." (Seventh Step Prayer)

"Give me a willing heart, oh God: willingness to take care of myself, to ask for what I need, to turn things over to you, and to be of humble service." (my own prayer)

Combined with reading the section from "How it Works" and the meditations in "Courage to Change", I feel inspired and connected to my higher power, whom I call God, every day. Each of these offers 1-2 line reminders I can touch base with throughout the day, to ground me, and remind me why I'm here. I'm here to be of service to others. I'm here to love and serve God, and love and serve others. I actually heard that in last night's Holy Thursday homily, though I didn't get it right away. Fr. Manny at St. Clement Church talked about Holy Thursday being the feast of the stole and the towel - the stole representing unity between us and the Eucharist (Jesus' ultimate gift of self/love and his covenant/promise to us) and the towel representing Jesus' and our unity with humanity (washing of the feet was a sign of service and humility, a humbling of God to wash the feet/serve/forgive humanity). Love and serve. That is our primary purpose!

It was good to be at Holy Thursday service last night. I love St. Clement's liturgies - there is always sincerity and reverence and power in them, especially their Triduum services. And although it felt good to be back in a familiar place with familiar ritual, I didn't feel connected to them. It didn't mean anything to me. I participated, and I prayed, but I did not feel connected or inspired or fulfilled. I come out of my Al-Anon meetings feeling much more connected to God, much more inspired, much stronger and lighter and freer than I do coming out of church. I never thought this would happen... I should be surprised but I'm not. Al-Anon and the 12 steps have broken down a complicated spirituality built around rules, traditions, rigidness, politics, and human flaws into its most basic foundation. While I don't currently feel I have a worship community, I also don't feel I need one. I DO have a faith community, my Al-Anon community, and for right now I think that's all I need.

I am not anti-Church or anti-religion. I know both offer many of my friends and family members and millions of others a place of belonging and inspiration and love. It's just not where I'm at in my faith journey. God and I are working on strengthening and learning what the foundation of our relationship is, on building up trust in him and believing in the love he has for me (and love I have for him, myself, and others). I could NEVER do that in the context of a church setting, no matter how many retreats I went on or days of reflection I attended, no matter what I did for spiritual direction or how many different churches/Masses I tried, no matter how much I tried to learn and intellectualize my faith. I never really grew and I felt my faith never really deepened. I often felt stuck.

Faith is about having the courage to believe in God no matter what happens in your life, to trust him when you feel all alone and vulnerable, to learn to love and accept love because you KNOW he loves you no matter what (and always has). There is a REASON the 12 steps were written in the order they were written. Steps 1-3 build the foundation for this courage, faith, acceptance, etc. The 4th step is hard, it is challenging, it threatens all of the faith and courage and changes and love one starts to experience in the first three steps. It strips you completely bare, and then you get to start over and rebuild from the ground up, basing your life and identity and structure on the GOOD inside you, the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE God has for you (and you learn to have for yourself). Your faith may be tested, it may be shaky at times, you may want to give up and run away. But deep down, hopefully, you know you're safe and taken care of, and that is enough.

I know this is what's happening for me, and I am grateful to have found Al-Anon and the 12 steps to help me finally deepen and grow in my faith. I reflect on this now because it's Easter weekend, and I haven't participated in Lent at all. I went to Holy Thursday service, but I will probably skip Good Friday. I may go to Mass Sunday morning for Easter, but I'll decide tomorrow or Sunday. It's not an important part of my spiritual journey right now. And while I would normally feel guilty, I don't. I will never apologize for trying to improve my relationship with God, regardless of whether the 12 steps took me out of my "Catholic" faith community and beliefs. It's not important to me how I grow closer to God, just that I am. For now, THAT is enough.