This week I experienced a blast from the past. One of my favorite shows from the original line-up of "SNICK" (aka Saturday Night Nickelodeon) growing up was "Roundhouse." Most people do not remember this show... they remember Clarissa Explains It All, Ren & Stimpy, Are You Afraid of the Dark, and even later additions like "The Secret World of Alex Mack", "All That", and "Kenan and Kel" but no one remembers "Roundhouse." It was a music/variety/sketch comedy show that ran for four seasons as the second show in the SNICK line-up after Clarissa. I loved it. I always loved music/dance/acting shows like that - the corny childhood ones like Mickey Mouse Club and Roundhouse, and then later MadTV (though not Saturday Night Live as much). But the thing that has really stuck with me all these years is the theme song to Roundhouse, which is what I decided to go in search of on YouTube this week.
After revisiting it, I realized how much the lyrics still resonate with me. I'm finishing up my 4th step, and one theme has come up pretty consistently throughout my whole life. I desperately want to have close friends, I want to belong, I want to be part of something special. I've always wanted that. And the theme song to RoundHouse even addresses it:
Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
To where the music and the fun never ends
As long as that music keeps playing
You know what I'm saying
I know that I can find a friend
Down at the roundhouse
These days I don't seek approval, acceptance, attention, or belonging from other people to the extent I once did, and I've become more self-confident and happy just being me (and just being WITH me). However, friendships and relationships are still important, and I find I still struggle with the idea of fitting in, being part of a group, belonging, having tight circles of friends so I don't feel so alone.
It's one of the reasons I struggled so much saying goodbye to a coworker this week when he finished his last shift and transferred to another store. We once had the opportunity to be good friends, and to be part of a close group of friends together. Then the awkwardness of attraction (and subsequently my going a bit crazy and controlling on him, much to my chagrin and despair) led to continued awkwardness for about 3 months. He left, and I grieve the lost opportunity, not so much the loss of potential romantic involvement (though that is sad too), but mostly the loss of a potentially really good friendship. Even when we've been at work together on a Sunday night or the 1-2 times we've hung out with friends outside of work since he moved to Chicago, it's obvious we get along. It's obvious there is a connection there in terms of commonalities, understanding of each other, and an ability to get along and relate. However, the awkwardness caused by attraction and innuendo will (at least for the time being and for a while to come I'm sure) prevent us from being friendly and friends. And that sucks.
So while I once thought work was a place I could go and be among friends, I have to learn to just have work be a place where I work. Maybe I can have coworkers become friends, but for now I have to keep the boundaries. I have to find other places in which I can feel part of, belong, and develop friendships that are hopefully not awkward or potentially harmful.
Luckily I'm almost done with the writing (YAY! FINALLY!) and soon I can move on to the making amends part. I know that is when the rubber will meet the road and hopefully I'll clear up some bad air in certain relationships and friendships. I know it won't be perfect and some people I'll never have in my life again. But I'm looking forward to the possibilities and the opportunities anyway. I just have to have patience, because I tend to want to fix things NOW.
As with Roundhouse, there will always be a place I can go and be among friends... that's one reason I'm in Al-Anon, because they get it. They may not be my closest friends in the world or the people I socialize with the most frequently, but they will still be there and get me. And I appreciate that so much.
To that end, I'll repeat the theme again... to give me hope and purpose and promise:
Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
To where the music and the fun never ends
As long as that music keeps playing
You know what I'm saying
I know that I can find a friend
Down at the roundhouse
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