Profoundness

I had the pleasure of hearing a two amazing leads this week at two of my regular meetings. After not going to meetings for 10 days over the holidays, I was able to get back into the routine and go to four this week... MUCH needed after the holidays and all the "stuff" and stuck-ness I've been feeling lately.

At my Wednesday meeting, the person who spoke is someone I have a great deal of respect for, both as a person and as a fellow member of our program. I almost always take away a nugget of goodness when he speaks, because he speaks with honesty, clarity, creativity, and a quiet spiritual wisdom that resonates so strongly in me. He is definitely a vehicle for my God to speak to me, because I usually hear exactly what I need to hear when he shares.

Well, neither God nor my friend disappointed that night. It was one of the most touching leads I've heard in program... He talked about his dad ending up in the ICU over the holidays and how the program has helped carry him through the situation. He talked some about how the program has shown him that everyone is carried by God, and how he has learned to let them be in God's care, even if it's not how he thinks it should be or the way he thought it would look. He talked about finding the gifts and moments of miracle and blessing... Basically taking stock of gratitude. He also talked about how he's learned two things are very powerful in times like this - love and medicine - and he now knows which one is his responsibility/in his control.

Given where I've been at lately, it was such a great lead to hear. I've had to constantly remind myself that God has my life and the lives of those around me in his care. My will has not served me well, so trusting someone or something greater than myself seems the wiser choice (but by God the harder choice). I do a daily gratitude list, but sometimes it is so hard to see the gifts in my struggles. My struggle with intimacy, for example, and letting myself just be close with someone without inventing crazy expectations to go with it... What are the gifts there? Something to consider. And the struggles with money, and being a broke student... The gifts there are definitely a willingness to accept help (and ask for it) from others, to accept (with humility) others' generosity, to realize life is so much more than material goods and recognize what I really can live happily without (and what needs really do need to be met versus frivolous needs). But remembering those gifts can be hard.

And the part about love... My uncle passed away 10 years ago New Year's Day and my grandma passed 5 years ago this February. They were such examples of faith in God, love, and service. God carried them, and God showed me how to love through them. My goal in life IS to love... Love God, love myself, love others. It is often hard to love myself, and to show up for others (which is love) but it's something I'm learning to do "slowly & haltingly, occasionally with great bursts of brilliance." I have to remind myself on a daily basis what is the loving response to the people in my life - friends, family members, coworkers, customers, CTA workers, strangers, etc. Sometimes it's a smile, or a listening ear, or keeping my mouth shut, or saying thank you, or letting someone else go first... I'm still learning and growing in that arena.

As if I didn't have enough to think about, pray on, and consider after that lead, today I went to an open AA meeting I often attend. The lead was given by a guy I've heard share in the meetings before, and the topic was so profound and so appropriate to hear today. He spoke on the topic "In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less and desire humility more than ever" (page 75, chapter on Step 7 in the AA "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" book.) The speaker identified three kinds of pain - pain of "life stuff" (the shit that happens), pain caused by bad actions, and pain caused by spiritual growth. All of those instances of pain lead to humility in different ways. The first kind of pain teaches us it's not all about us, and helps us find humility through being of service and continuing to show up even when it's hard and uncomfortable. The second kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us to see the truth in the mirror and make the appropriate amends and learn to change our behavior. The last kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us the freedom to believe God has our lives in his control and that spiritual growth is a healthy and important part of our lives. When we accept that the pain comes from spiritual growth, we can accept the discomfort and try to live through it without trying to fix, manage, control, or change it.

Man. For someone working on her Step 8 (making a list of people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all), this is super important. My character defects flare up in my face regularly, and though I'm not always able to take contrary action, I'm at least aware of them. I learn humility by allowing myself to be HUMAN. I can make mistakes. As long as I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines and work towards change and more spiritually healthy attitudes and actions.

One major area I'm learning to grow along spiritual lines is the idea that love doesn't have to always have labels or fit into a category or box. Sometimes it's enough just to say "I love you" and/or hear someone say "Love you too" without assigning meaning or expectation to it. This is a big opportunity for me to learn and grow - I am so used to trying to meet what I think another person's expectations are for me (as a friend or potential romantic partner or coworker) that I forget all I'm asked to do is be ME. I don't always know what that means or how to do that. I'm learning I have to learn to love myself and BE myself before I can accept love in ANY form from someone else. Which is why sometimes it is just ENOUGH to say and receive an "I Love You" without it meaning anything other than the unconditional love of God shown through that person.

I don't say "I love you" to very many people... girlfriends for sure, family definitely. But I'm starting to learn how to say it more, and to experience that vulnerability and intimacy in my life. I sure hope I can continue to grow in this area... loving myself, and learning to accept love JUST AS IT IS from others.

So much to think and reflect on! What a fabulous week of spiritual growth and recovery it's been... I'm so grateful for this program.