Letting it go

It's Wednesday morning, and I'm sitting at the dining room table having a cup of Tribute blend coffee (for Starbucks' 40th anniversary) and enjoying leftover homemade biscuits my roommate made with our dinner last night. It was an impromptu dinner of spaghetti with red sauce and biscuits, which perfectly summarizes our relationship sometimes. We get excited about an idea and one of us runs with it - in this case, I came up with the dinner idea but she actually ran with it and made it, doing it her way. In this way, I've learned to let go of control of something incredibly simple, like what I'm going to have for dinner and when.

I wish letting go was always that painless and easy, but it's not. Especially in personal relationships, and most especially in romantic ones.

I found out some information last Friday about a guy I had been developing a potential interest in, someone who had made his interest in me known pretty loud and clear (at least TO me, since we work together it couldn't be done super publicly). The work situation complicated things, and where I was at in my personal journey led me to set up the boundary of not dating. Long story short, the information I found out led me to question why the hell he would even voice an interest in me and whether I was just a lust object or not. I was pissed off and hurt for a minute, then mostly I turned to sadness and disappointment. I was mad he had been so forward with me when this other situation was going on, and I was hurt by his actions. Mostly, I was sad and disappointed that the situation had ended this way, and the possibility of us ever dating had (most likely, but who knows) ended entirely. I was disappointed in him, because I think he's a good guy and doesn't intentionally hurt people but I think he's confused and searching and didn't know how to handle this situation. Maybe he's more of a manipulator than I give him credit for, but I tend to believe the best in people. From conversations I've had with him, I want to believe the best in him.

So for the past 5 days, I've been struggling with my feelings around this situation. I have found insight and strength from meetings and from sharing the story with friends. Every time I talk it out, I feel better, and every meeting and conversation gives me a new piece of wisdom and a new perspective on it. I know I'm handling it better than I've handled similar situations before (not that I've ever been in this exact situation, but I've been in ones where things with guys change in a way I'm not expecting). But I'm still struggling.

I had to work with him for a full 8-hour shift Sunday night, and it was awful. He doesn't know about the information I received. We hadn't worked together or really talked/seen each other since the previous Sunday, a night where flirtation, joking, innuendo, and all that were sky-high and fun. This time, I didn't know how to act - I didn't want to encourage the flirtation and innuendo, and I knew it might happen if I was just my usual cheerful friendly self. My sponsor advised me to just be "light and polite" and focus on doing my job and being of service to the store and the customers. I tried, and I have to admit I was only moderately successful. When I saw him, the anger came back and the sadness, so I ended up putting up a massive wall. I hardly talked to him, barely met his eyes, and had to keep my emotions in check the whole night. It was hard, and it was frustrating because I'd been working so hard on learning the difference between walls and boundaries, and because I'd finally been learning over the last year how to be myself. It definitely affected my interactions with customers AND with my coworkers, which was also frustrating because normally I can put my personal stuff aside at work and this time I couldn't. It was not my finest hour of detachment, but I didn't really know HOW to detach in that situation. We still had an awesome close because we have an amazing Sunday night team and work really well together. But GOD it was awkward.

All week, I've been in a funk, trying to let go of the disappointment, anger, hurt, sadness, and really mostly let go of the possibility that our mutual interest in each other opened up. I've tried to do a mini-4th step on it, because I know I played a part and it was good to name it. I read my literature every day, I made sure I hit my daily writing goal for my 4th step, I've been praying, I had an admissions appointment at the grad school I want to attend, I painted yesterday for the first time in over a month, I've been reading for FUN. I'm doing all these things to help me keep living and I've still felt sadness and hollowness inside.

Last night our meeting was about "Live and Let Live" - detachment, and learning how to let go of other people's actions and behaviors so that we can live our own lives and focus on making the best decisions for ourselves. Absolutely what I needed to hear, because I need to stop trying to control how he participates in our friendship/relationship/situation/whatever it's called right now. I can only focus on how I am going to respond, act, and behave. I saw something on Facebook last night that gave me a bit more insight into him and compassion for him (which I've been trying to maintain since Friday, since I know he's probably just confused and searching and I can empathize with that struggle). Every fiber of my being was at war - one side wanting to try and make it right, to force a solution, to sort things out, to explain my behavior, to make him see and make him talk to me, and to clear the air while the OTHER side knew how destructive and unproductive those thoughts were and behaviors would be. The other side kept hearing the wisdom of "back off, shut up, don't force the solution, let go and let God, things will be okay if you just give it time and space". I have not felt this kind of war inside for quite sometime, and I'll be damned if it wasn't painful and nerve-wracking. Luckily, the program side won. I didn't text, didn't call, didn't say anything to ANYONE I shouldn't have. I did mention the war to my roommate and she was a good sounding board, and I felt better.

I also got a reminder I needed last night from a newcomer, who shared something from our book "How Al-Anon Works" about feelings: "It is also important to be reminded that feelings aren't facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of, reality. Therefore, they are not the best basis for decision-making. Other people can help us to value the experience of our emotions without acting on them in ways we might regret once the feelings have passed." OH MAN, did I need to hear that. I am feeling some pretty intense feelings right now, but the truth is they ARE NOT FACT. They are not reflections of a true external reality, just my impressions and reactions to the reality. Part of me hopes someday he and I can ever have a conversation where the "truth" and "reality" are cleared up, and I can make a decision on where to go from there. But for right now, all I have to go on is snippets of information and a lot of feeling. So keeping my mouth shut and NOT reacting out of feeling is exactly how I will not live in a place of regret. In previous romantic relationship situations I've had a lot of moments where I've thought/felt: "I shouldn't have said that, it was too intense" and wish I could take something back. So far, I don't have those regrets in this situation, and I want to keep it that way. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's one I am happy to say I am learning.

All in all, I just have to remember that I am taken care of and God has this whole thing under control. I say the relationship prayer a lot, which asks that God's will be done for me and for the other person, that God will take the relationship (whatever it is) and let it become what he wants it to be, and asks that I be shown the truth. I've received some truth, but I have not received the whole truth. Maybe I've received enough of the truth, and all I'll ever receive, but for right now I'm going to be patient and wait and try to let the universe sort itself out in this situation. I'm going to keep doing what I need and want to do for ME, to keep Living. I'm going to be pleasant with him tomorrow when I see him, since I've been able to do that almost every day we've worked together since this situation began except for one. It's important to me to show up, be present to my job and coworkers, to choose happiness, and to put trust in my higher power that everything will in fact be okay.