Promises

In the midst of a very painful crappy week, I found solace many times reading a section from the book "From Survival to Recovery" (parts of which are adapted into what's known as the Al-Anon Promises).

Al-Anon Promises
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we will never be perfect, continued spiritual progress can reveal to us our enormous potential. Many of us discover what our fellow members already know - that we are both worthy of love and loving. We learn to love ourselves without losing ourselves, and we accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and distorted, will clear enough for us to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. It will become possible for us to risk failure and develop new, previously-hidden talents. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will offer hope to share with others. We begin to feel and know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them. Our secrets no longer have to bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices expand. With dignity, we stand for ourselves, without standing against others. Serenity and peace will have new meaning as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace. No longer terrified, we discover that we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe. We laugh more. Faith replaces fear and gratitude comes naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Can we really grow to such proportions? As we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness, we gradually begin to notice these changes. We may see them first in those who walk beside us. Sometimes these changes happen slowly or haltingly, and occasionally with great bursts of brilliance! As we work the Steps, we more ever closer toward light, toward health, and toward our Higher Power. As we watch others grow, we realize we are also changing. Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no tragedy, cruelty or injustice to face? Probably not, but we can acquire a growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, rage, and depression can fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We come to know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough."

Every time I hear this passage at my Tuesday night meeting, something new sticks out. One of my favorite sentences is: "We will become mature responsible adults with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder." This is exactly why I joined Al-Anon. I wanted to become mature and responsible, to be able to have healthy relationships, to feel happy and to experience joy. But as the passage says at the end, we will probably not feel that way all the time. We will make mistakes and yet we'll accept our humanness better and will be able to bounce back more quickly and without too much harm or destruction. I totally found this to be true last week. I would get caught up in feeling crappy, and normally that would make me reach out to the wrong person (an inappropriate person - someone who couldn't support me how I wanted or someone who didn't need to know about the struggle). Last week I was able to reach out to program friends, to keep myself busy with work and writing and other activities, and to focus on being of service. I also made the decision to be happy on the days after I cried myself to sleep. Somehow this decision proved a trust in God, a trust that I was taken care of no matter what, that I was cared for and loved regardless of my emotional state. I made the decision to be happy and to be of service, and it was so fruitful!

Like the passage says, "Our sight, once clouded and distorted, will clear enough for us to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will offer hope to share with others. Serenity and peace will have new meaning as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace." I feel like I am seeing things more clearly. Last week, many of my emotions were hormone-driven (I love being a girl!) but a lot of them were also FEAR-driven. I don't know if I would've been able to name the fear quite so succinctly before program. I also didn't realize THAT'S what I needed to admit out loud to someone else before I would feel better. It didn't come out until Saturday night what exactly I was afraid of, and it came in a loud tearful yet smiling rant to my roommate after spending all week trying to talk to friends and my sponsor and pray about things. I didn't even realize what the driving force was until I said it out loud. I saw things more clearly, I recognized truth. I had the courage to say it and to let it go. That led to an amazing about of peace and serenity. My life is no longer as battered and degraded as I once felt, and this DOES allow me to channel God's ease, balance, and grace in my own life. Last night at work, I was able to be genuinely happy, peaceful, and at ease despite some potential triggers. Over-communication in some cases does actually work out okay!

One part of the passage I always love hearing is: "We laugh more. Faith replaces fear and gratitude comes naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. As we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness, we gradually begin to notice these changes. Sometimes these changes happen slowly or haltingly, and occasionally with great bursts of brilliance! We come to know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough." I definitely find I laugh and smile more since being in program. I laugh and smile more genuinely since being in program. I find I can make my gratitude list without thinking about the things life is missing. I recognize I am in a process, that perfection will never happen, and that progress is most important. I am changing, and though I may not always see it, I know I am different and I also know that however I show up is OKAY and is ENOUGH for that moment.

As you can see, reading a passage like this every day, every week, or when I'm feeling down is incredibly helpful in putting things back into perspective and giving me HOPE. I'm so hopeful for whatever the future holds, but I'm happy to just be happy and okay in today. For today, I am enough.