Inner Contentment

I know I've shared this before, but when I came into Al-Anon, it was on the cusp of a wise friend observing that I rely too much on other people for my own happiness. He was totally right, and I knew I needed help. It's been 18 months since I started coming to meetings, and I see a huge difference. I'm finally learning to have patience with myself and trust in God's will for me. My heart is willing to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn hopes and expectations and outcomes over to God, and be of humble service. As the Big Book of AA suggests, I have not maintained anything like perfect adherence to these principles, but I claim spiritual progress (not spiritual perfection) (p. 58-60)

I know I've made progress because of how I've handled the recent boy situation. I've acted with "ease and grace" more than I ever would've thought possible before. I spent a week isolating from the boy, giving him the cold shoulder, being very selfish and self-seeking in making the situation all about me. I realized things wouldn't improve unless I was able to let it go and just focus on being myself. I was spending too much energy on the negative feelings, when I would be freer by accepting things as they are and moving on. I made the decision to just be myself around him, to go back to my friendly and cheerful personality. And I let go of any expectation for us. I had hoped we could talk about things and I could explain my behavior, but for the first time ever I didn't force it. My primary goal at the moment was to just be able to be comfortable around each other again. I didn't want to put up walls, but I also didn't force a solution. By just letting go of the awkwardness and letting go of any expectations for future interactions, we've been able to go back to pre-flirtation normality. I never would've done this before, and I'm incredibly grateful I was able to this time. I didn't cause any more harm, and we now have a chance to start over and potentially be friends.

Not surprisingly, the readings at my Tuesday night meeting the past few weeks have totally fit this part of my journey. One week we talked about Tradition Seven, which says "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." On page 115 of How Al-Anon Works, it says "Before Al-Anon, we often looked outside of ourselves for our peace of mind. In Al-Anon, we learn to take responsibility for our own recovery... we realize we no longer need to look for inner contentment outside of ourselves." This week, in reading about Changed Attitudes, the book read, "Before we can take effective action, before we can actually change a negative outlook to a positive one or change self-pity to gratitude, we have to accept ourselves precisely as we are." (p. 77) We also read this about expectations, "There is no better way to make ourselves feel victimized and helpless than by harboring unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, or by confusing expectations with needs and insisting they be met. Attaching our well-being to a particular action or outcome is risky... By seeking only the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out (Step Eleven), we make great strides towards developing an unshakeable inner peace and sense of security that cannot be threatened by mere circumstances." (p. 80)

So basically these readings and my recent boy experience boil down to this:
1. Before any change can happen, I have to accept myself exactly as I am. Acceptance is the first step because it helps us have a foundation on which to build lasting. For me, acceptance of myself means I accept how God made me, and I trust in God's will for me. No matter what happens externally, I know that inside I am loved, I am taken care of, and I am okay just as I am. Self-acceptance allows me to clear out the clutter of my life without losing myself or feeling lost. I also had to accept the boy and the situation as they were, because otherwise I would try to control and change them when they aren't within my responsibility or capacity to change or control. By accepting the reality of today, I can be open to choices and opportunities that can lead to positive changes and moves forward.

2. Expectations are not the same as needs. Attaching our well-being to particular actions or outcomes is risky. Expectations are hopes and anticipations that a certain outcome will result from a certain action. Expectations can be healthy, but often we (me, you, Al-Anons, those not in program, everyone) carry unrealistic expectations for other people. We expect things to be OUR way, or we think we NEED them to be a certain way to be successful, helpful, etc. We are not flexible in listening to a different perspective, following a different (but equally good or possibly better) method or course of action, and allowing mistakes. I know I used to be this way, and it caused nothing by frustration and resentment (on my part and on the part of others I tried to manage and control). I am learning to have realistic and appropriate expectations of other people, and to go into situations sometimes without ANY expectations. I have also discovered that my needs are a lot simpler than they used to be, and that truly all I need can be provided by my higher power (God) if I let him.

In any relationship - romantic, friendship, family, work - it is imperative that I accept myself just as I am before I can be an effective and positive contributor to the relationship. I can go into a situation with hopes or an idea of possible outcomes, but without expecting people to act or behave a certain way. It allows me to be surprised, to participate in new ways, and to enjoy what's happening (stay in the present). It also allows me to feel my feelings - happy, disappointed, proud, hurt, or any other emotion - then let them go, and do whatever I need to do next. These actions help me to know, regardless of whatever happens, the outcome doesn't change WHO I am and doesn't shake my inner contentment.