This past weekend I was in Minnesota for the Christmas holiday, and I feel as though I had the best Christmas I've ever had. It was nice to be with family when we were all in good places in life - there was no drama, no tension, no awkwardness, no underlying anything. My parents, their significant others, and my step-brother are all in a positive place in their journeys. There are still bumps on the road and struggles they're experiencing, but this is the calmest, happiest, and most at peace I've seen any of us in a long time. And that truly warms my heart, and makes me incredibly grateful.
I also spent time with more friends than I thought I had in the Twin Cities. It's amazing what a little time and space can do to help get friendships back on an even keel. I saw two friends I hadn't seen in a number of years, and had wonderful conversations catching up with them. I had no expectations - I went purely to enjoy their company. If I stay in touch beyond that, which hopefully I will, great. If not, I enjoyed the time we had catching up. What's striking to me is both John and Amy are friends from high school I kept up with through most of college and then sort of lost touch with when I went to St. Louis and then moved to Chicago. They are friends I felt were some of closest friends at one time, and I'm grateful we still reach out to each other on occasion despite time and distance. I learn a lot from them, feel valued and supported in their company, am inspired by their faith journeys and career paths and how they live their lives. I enjoy spending time with quality people like that, and it helps when they're people you can be at ease with because you've known each other for so long.
Which brings me to the reason for the subject heading. The cool thing about my family being in such good space and my being able to have the interactions I had with those old friends this weekend is that it didn't happen because any of us forced it or manipulated our way to it or tried to control it. It was just the natural progression of time and growth we are all experiencing that brought us to this time and place. The choices we've made and the things we've let go of over the years have allowed us to be here, now, healthy (or getting there), and open to change and possibility. The one relationship I still need help letting go and not controlling is with the boy I mentioned in a previous post. We had a phenomenal day together on Sunday: lunch in our favorite spot, time with a couple friends, being flirty and having fun at Dave and Buster's (like an adult Chuck-E-Cheese), then spending the evening with my family for our traditional Family Game Night. After Game Night we stayed up late talking, and got to have a REAL talk, mostly about us. In my former life, a talk like that, with no definitive solution and no real conclusion or agreement, would have frustrated me. This time, I just felt so blessed and grateful to even have the open, honest, direct, and sincere conversation we had. Even though it is incredibly difficult not to be able to pursue someone I'm attracted to, someone I trust completely, someone with whom I could see a potentially really amazing thing with, I'm also grateful we're not pursuing it right now.
I'll be honest and say I'm glad to know he feels the attraction and would totally be interested in dating at some point. The affirmation that it's not one-sided was a relief (I didn't think it was one-sided, but I didn't know for sure). However, I'm still working on a lot of things through program (and in general), he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, and there's the added stress of 400+ miles distance. But at least we know where we stand, and we talked about how to communicate better if I start to get a little crazy or he needs to pull back some.
We're still the best of friends and we're still going to be in touch. None of that has changed. I have to work on not obsessing about it and not trying to control it and REALLY learning to turn it over to God. I have to trust that if this is something God wants for us, the way will be made clear in due time. I'm embracing the challenge and the journey, and doing the most I can to stay busy, stay in the present moment, stay in CHICAGO mentally and emotionally, and still stay open to any other relationships or dating possibilities that come my way.
I may think I know what's right, but it's not up to me to decide that. It's up to me to be open to GOD deciding that. IN HIS TIME, NOT MINE. And with whatever steps and detours I'm meant to take along the way.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Stllness Revisited: Do Not Be Afraid of the Tomb
I've had a lot going on and a lot to think about the past few days. I'm working a 6-day stretch for the first time since August in preparation for going home for Christmas. I've had holiday gatherings, early mornings, and of course the occasional challenge staying in the present and remembering all I've learned in the past year.
Monday night I had one of those frustrating ugly moments, and I realized I don't even have to finish my 4th step (though I will) to know what one of my biggest and ugliest character defects is - JEALOUSY. And it's jealousy that exists in my head and is made up in my imagination. It's jealousy derived from trying to fit in with the "cool" kids, the "popular" group, and not appreciating the people who are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE who DO show up for me, love me, support me, and spend time with me. It's jealousy, especially related to stupid boy-relationship stuff, that causes me to get self-deprecating, think I'm not good enough, shut down, cut them off, distrust, and expect people to go away & find someone/something new and better (even if they aren't planning on it or don't even think that way at all). And the ugliest part about this particular instance of jealousy was that it was on the heels of finding out one of the people I was jealous of had JUST found out her uncle had died. What the hell?! What kind of person gets jealous about someone's friendship/relationship with another person (who, yes, is a boy) when she's crying over the loss of a family member? What a freaking eye-opener.
So on the bus ride home I reached out to some friends, not getting in touch with anyone but at least reaching out, to friends who HAVE reciprocated and shown they care about me. I know I have to learn not to rely on other people's approval to feel better, but I don't think this was an exercise in trying to people please. I think this was an exercise in reminding me that God has put people in my life who care and I DO have people in my life who can be and are present to me. When I got home, I vented to my roommate and she was supportive and understanding and encouraging as usual. She nodded her head a lot when I said, "And it's not even about me! It's none of my business! Why do I get so caught up in something that is absolutely none of my concern? It takes away all my energy focusing on something silly and stupid like that."
I knew I had to get up super early this morning so I decided to take a hot bath and use the aromatherapy candle I got as a Christmas gift. As I was praying in the bathtub, I was reminded of Saturday's homily on the 4th Sunday of Advent. I went to Holy Name Cathedral downtown because they had a convenient time after work Saturday. The priest was very conscious that in this busy season it's important to be intentionally reflective, and his homily talked about that. He mentioned visiting another church in a town where he was with family or friends a few weeks back and he was struck by the banners hanging in the church. There were three, and they said "Do not be afraid of silence", "Do not be afraid of yourself", and "Do not be afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do". He then went on to discuss those three ideas and how they follow each other: If you aren't afraid of silence, you get to know yourself better because you're listening more intently and intentionally, and then you become less afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do because you're more in tune with yourself and his request seems less out of the blue (or something to that effect). It was very familiar to what Ignatian Spirituality and Al-Anon have taught me in my prayer and in spiritual life. And the mention of "do not be afraid of silence" reminded me of my word for this year - STILLNESS.
I'm not sure if I've focused on stillness more in the past two months since I received the word or not. I do know that in discussing the past year's "miracles" with my sponsor and sister sponsees last Friday night I did say that I have simplified my life a lot more. I feel like I have less clutter - in terms of obligations, activities, relationships, and material goods. I think I make decisions easier and am able to let go of decisions and unnecessary baggage a lot quicker. So perhaps STILLNESS is creeping into my life in those ways. I am pretty intentional about saying a quick 3-5 minute prayer almost every morning, and I have reminders to pray two other times during the day, just o have that reminder/moment to pause and offer up whatever is going on in the moment to God. I re-center myself and continue on with the day. Some days I really need it, and some days it's just like "Oh! Yeah! I'm having a good day, but thanks for the reminder!"
I also think STILLNESS continues to be an appropriate word for this second year in program because of something my roommate shared Monday when I was venting about this jealousy thing. She said when they were in seminary they joked (only half-jokingly because there's some truth to it) that the reason there are three years in a seminary program is because it represents the Crucifixion, the Tomb, and the Resurrection. She said it's really true because of the personal change and growth you go through when you're in such a spiritually transformative situation like seminary and theological/pastoral studies. I'll paraphrase what I heard, but she said something to the effect of "The Crucifixion hurts, and the tomb is dark, but at the end there's light and lightness." At the end she said, "And like it or not honey, you're in The Tomb this year. And it sucks. But there's hope, and you'll be fine!" She's right - the first year is a year of seeing so much with new perspective and sometimes the change hurts. But the second year you're already changing and you feel like you're in a rhythm, even with its bumps, but you still hit moments of darkness, ugliness, and aloneness. But this is where the STILLNESS comes in. I imagine a tomb would not only be very dark but also VERY quiet. And it's just you and your demons, you and God. But if you allow the silence and stillness to be a time of surrender, then you will find peace.
So my 2011 wish, one of them, will be to surrender my will more, to be more comfortable in the silence and stillness, and to have hope that I'll resurrect from the Tomb IN GOD'S TIME, whatever that time-frame looks like.
Monday night I had one of those frustrating ugly moments, and I realized I don't even have to finish my 4th step (though I will) to know what one of my biggest and ugliest character defects is - JEALOUSY. And it's jealousy that exists in my head and is made up in my imagination. It's jealousy derived from trying to fit in with the "cool" kids, the "popular" group, and not appreciating the people who are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE who DO show up for me, love me, support me, and spend time with me. It's jealousy, especially related to stupid boy-relationship stuff, that causes me to get self-deprecating, think I'm not good enough, shut down, cut them off, distrust, and expect people to go away & find someone/something new and better (even if they aren't planning on it or don't even think that way at all). And the ugliest part about this particular instance of jealousy was that it was on the heels of finding out one of the people I was jealous of had JUST found out her uncle had died. What the hell?! What kind of person gets jealous about someone's friendship/relationship with another person (who, yes, is a boy) when she's crying over the loss of a family member? What a freaking eye-opener.
So on the bus ride home I reached out to some friends, not getting in touch with anyone but at least reaching out, to friends who HAVE reciprocated and shown they care about me. I know I have to learn not to rely on other people's approval to feel better, but I don't think this was an exercise in trying to people please. I think this was an exercise in reminding me that God has put people in my life who care and I DO have people in my life who can be and are present to me. When I got home, I vented to my roommate and she was supportive and understanding and encouraging as usual. She nodded her head a lot when I said, "And it's not even about me! It's none of my business! Why do I get so caught up in something that is absolutely none of my concern? It takes away all my energy focusing on something silly and stupid like that."
I knew I had to get up super early this morning so I decided to take a hot bath and use the aromatherapy candle I got as a Christmas gift. As I was praying in the bathtub, I was reminded of Saturday's homily on the 4th Sunday of Advent. I went to Holy Name Cathedral downtown because they had a convenient time after work Saturday. The priest was very conscious that in this busy season it's important to be intentionally reflective, and his homily talked about that. He mentioned visiting another church in a town where he was with family or friends a few weeks back and he was struck by the banners hanging in the church. There were three, and they said "Do not be afraid of silence", "Do not be afraid of yourself", and "Do not be afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do". He then went on to discuss those three ideas and how they follow each other: If you aren't afraid of silence, you get to know yourself better because you're listening more intently and intentionally, and then you become less afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do because you're more in tune with yourself and his request seems less out of the blue (or something to that effect). It was very familiar to what Ignatian Spirituality and Al-Anon have taught me in my prayer and in spiritual life. And the mention of "do not be afraid of silence" reminded me of my word for this year - STILLNESS.
I'm not sure if I've focused on stillness more in the past two months since I received the word or not. I do know that in discussing the past year's "miracles" with my sponsor and sister sponsees last Friday night I did say that I have simplified my life a lot more. I feel like I have less clutter - in terms of obligations, activities, relationships, and material goods. I think I make decisions easier and am able to let go of decisions and unnecessary baggage a lot quicker. So perhaps STILLNESS is creeping into my life in those ways. I am pretty intentional about saying a quick 3-5 minute prayer almost every morning, and I have reminders to pray two other times during the day, just o have that reminder/moment to pause and offer up whatever is going on in the moment to God. I re-center myself and continue on with the day. Some days I really need it, and some days it's just like "Oh! Yeah! I'm having a good day, but thanks for the reminder!"
I also think STILLNESS continues to be an appropriate word for this second year in program because of something my roommate shared Monday when I was venting about this jealousy thing. She said when they were in seminary they joked (only half-jokingly because there's some truth to it) that the reason there are three years in a seminary program is because it represents the Crucifixion, the Tomb, and the Resurrection. She said it's really true because of the personal change and growth you go through when you're in such a spiritually transformative situation like seminary and theological/pastoral studies. I'll paraphrase what I heard, but she said something to the effect of "The Crucifixion hurts, and the tomb is dark, but at the end there's light and lightness." At the end she said, "And like it or not honey, you're in The Tomb this year. And it sucks. But there's hope, and you'll be fine!" She's right - the first year is a year of seeing so much with new perspective and sometimes the change hurts. But the second year you're already changing and you feel like you're in a rhythm, even with its bumps, but you still hit moments of darkness, ugliness, and aloneness. But this is where the STILLNESS comes in. I imagine a tomb would not only be very dark but also VERY quiet. And it's just you and your demons, you and God. But if you allow the silence and stillness to be a time of surrender, then you will find peace.
So my 2011 wish, one of them, will be to surrender my will more, to be more comfortable in the silence and stillness, and to have hope that I'll resurrect from the Tomb IN GOD'S TIME, whatever that time-frame looks like.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Winter: The Oldest and SNOW-iest Season
I love snow. I am such a Midwesterner, and also such a dork. December is my favorite month of the year. I don't even care about the freezing cold. The snow and the colors and the lights and decorations and snow are so beautiful to me. I love it so much!
I volunteer with Special Religious Education, a department of the Archdiocese of Chicago that serves children through adults who are unable to participate in mainstream religious education. We meet every week, and alternate adult prep sessions and our actual sessions with the kids. During the adult prep sessions, there is usually a literary selection we read to help us deepen our understanding of the theme we are reflecting on that week and sharing with the kids the following week. On November 29, our literary selection came from John O'Donohue's book Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom. It walked us through the seasons, and described winter as the oldest season:
"Winter is the oldest season. Winter was there from the very beginning. It reigned amidst the silence and bleakness of nature for hundreds of millions of years before vegetation."
He continues on to describe the remaining seasons: Spring's youthfulness, bringing forth promise, hope, possibility, and life. Summertime's sense of balance, bringing light, growth, arrival, a time when we fully blossom and can take risks because you've got enough support and shelter to protect and ground you. Autumn's harvest, when the fruits of the spring and summer are yielded and the great feast of the year can be had - when the things of the past and the experiences one has had now bring forth their fruit.
O'Donohue's description of the seasons reads as though describing humanity's life cycle, which I believe is the point. He references/compares it to the soul quite often. There are times when reading something like this would be depressing, but when we read it at SPRED, I was deeply touched. I completely identified with winter as the oldest season.
It's the time of year when everyone is just a bit more friendly, a bit more warm, a bit more joyful, a bit more understanding. It seems as though the older people get, the more they realize how unnecessary facades are. They become more open, accepting, and giving. So it is with winter, or at least the months of November and December when we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I can't think of much more to say about it than that - it was striking to me when we read it, meditated on it, and talked about it, so I wanted to share.
Enjoy the snow and cold and warmth and glow!
I volunteer with Special Religious Education, a department of the Archdiocese of Chicago that serves children through adults who are unable to participate in mainstream religious education. We meet every week, and alternate adult prep sessions and our actual sessions with the kids. During the adult prep sessions, there is usually a literary selection we read to help us deepen our understanding of the theme we are reflecting on that week and sharing with the kids the following week. On November 29, our literary selection came from John O'Donohue's book Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom. It walked us through the seasons, and described winter as the oldest season:
"Winter is the oldest season. Winter was there from the very beginning. It reigned amidst the silence and bleakness of nature for hundreds of millions of years before vegetation."
He continues on to describe the remaining seasons: Spring's youthfulness, bringing forth promise, hope, possibility, and life. Summertime's sense of balance, bringing light, growth, arrival, a time when we fully blossom and can take risks because you've got enough support and shelter to protect and ground you. Autumn's harvest, when the fruits of the spring and summer are yielded and the great feast of the year can be had - when the things of the past and the experiences one has had now bring forth their fruit.
O'Donohue's description of the seasons reads as though describing humanity's life cycle, which I believe is the point. He references/compares it to the soul quite often. There are times when reading something like this would be depressing, but when we read it at SPRED, I was deeply touched. I completely identified with winter as the oldest season.
It's the time of year when everyone is just a bit more friendly, a bit more warm, a bit more joyful, a bit more understanding. It seems as though the older people get, the more they realize how unnecessary facades are. They become more open, accepting, and giving. So it is with winter, or at least the months of November and December when we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I can't think of much more to say about it than that - it was striking to me when we read it, meditated on it, and talked about it, so I wanted to share.
Enjoy the snow and cold and warmth and glow!
Unnecessary Baggage
My roommate is a lay member of the United Methodist Church, and she recently (last week) made the final decision not to be ordained. She's been in this discernment process for quite a number of years. Last year she decided to go for deacon and not elder, and even with that it seems she felt stressed. Last week she finally realized that God is not calling her to ordination, but is calling her to work for justice and peace as a lay minister. She can still be involved in worship and liturgy as a lay person, and she has the freedom to focus on helping those who need a voice (which she is phenomenal at by the way).
Anyway, today she wrote this: "If I had any doubts about lay ministry, my body's response would definitely quell them. Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!"
I completely agree! The body's response to our emotional and spiritual health is amazing. I used to have a lot of callous and wart problems on the heels of my feet. I had even gotten a couple small warts on three fingers. No matter what medicine I used, I could never get rid of them. They would reduce, but never go away. About a year after my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, we were trying to be friends again, and had been getting together occasionally to catch up. Around Thanksgiving last year, a few weeks after we had seen each other last, I sent him a text message to wish him luck with moving and a work-related project. He completely blew me off, and that was the last straw. I realized I did not want to deal with his crap anymore. If we were going to be friends, then be a friend. If not, I did not have to put up with it. So I told God, and my friends, "I am officially done. This is IT." Within a month, I KID YOU NOT, the warts on my fingers were gone, and the ones on my heels had subsided. They are now mostly gone too.
I have also battled weight issues for most of my life. Some of it is learned behaviors of over-eating, stress-eating, etc., and some of it is genetic constitution (my dad's side of the family tends to be overweight). I sometimes get obsessed about it. Not so much about the calories or exercise or anything (I've had enough friends with legitimate eating disorders and my brain, though crazy, has never gone over-the-top nuts about food/exercise). I do, however, get obsessed about the number on the scale sometimes. I can tell when my clothes don't feel right so I start to get a little panicky and controlling about it. However, my roommate and my sponsor both said something to me about it this last time, and I realized my crazy obsessive thinking extended not just to relationships and people, but to my body image/physical health as well. Because of that correlation, I then realized I could turn that over to God just as much as any other struggle. The amazing thing is that over the past couple months I've been able to maintain and lose a little bit, and be at the lowest weight I've had all year. I'm able to turn over meal-times, food cravings, and food choices to God. I'm continuing to just walk, stay active, and focus on the healthy eating habits I've learned over the years (drinking lots of water, having enough fruits and vegetables, having a balanced diet with protein and fiber). I can feel a difference and I know it's not because of anything I'm necessarily doing differently. I'm just not obsessed about it or trying to control the outcome.
I give these two examples, because my roommate's comment about how "Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!" is right on the money. How many times do we carry around crap, baggage, resentments, wrong decisions, etc., that are so unnecessary? Our body, our mind, our spirit, are all much happier and healthier when we can turn things over to God and allow him to guide us into right decision-making.
I'm currently working on my 4th step. I'm not even through my family and early childhood friends, and already I see patterns. I'm anticipating what's going to happen when I get into grade school, high school, college, and beyond. I already know some of the things that will come up, and it's not pretty to look at it all. As a matter of fact, at times it's downright ugly to look at, and it's hard not to get depressed or frustrated looking at the ugly. I can feel the burden and the baggage. It's not "unnecessary" baggage in one respect because it's helping me making changes in my life, and seeing patterns allows me to break them. However, it's unnecessary to carry it around in order to beat myself up.
My sponsor said the 4th step is really what it says - an inventory, an "I have this many cans of corn, and this many boxes of brownie mix" situation. I have to keep reminding myself of that or I will get overwhelmed and my body and spirit will be negatively affected. Having a blog and sharing the journey with the unknown void allows me to be accountable, and for that I'm grateful!
Anyway, today she wrote this: "If I had any doubts about lay ministry, my body's response would definitely quell them. Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!"
I completely agree! The body's response to our emotional and spiritual health is amazing. I used to have a lot of callous and wart problems on the heels of my feet. I had even gotten a couple small warts on three fingers. No matter what medicine I used, I could never get rid of them. They would reduce, but never go away. About a year after my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, we were trying to be friends again, and had been getting together occasionally to catch up. Around Thanksgiving last year, a few weeks after we had seen each other last, I sent him a text message to wish him luck with moving and a work-related project. He completely blew me off, and that was the last straw. I realized I did not want to deal with his crap anymore. If we were going to be friends, then be a friend. If not, I did not have to put up with it. So I told God, and my friends, "I am officially done. This is IT." Within a month, I KID YOU NOT, the warts on my fingers were gone, and the ones on my heels had subsided. They are now mostly gone too.
I have also battled weight issues for most of my life. Some of it is learned behaviors of over-eating, stress-eating, etc., and some of it is genetic constitution (my dad's side of the family tends to be overweight). I sometimes get obsessed about it. Not so much about the calories or exercise or anything (I've had enough friends with legitimate eating disorders and my brain, though crazy, has never gone over-the-top nuts about food/exercise). I do, however, get obsessed about the number on the scale sometimes. I can tell when my clothes don't feel right so I start to get a little panicky and controlling about it. However, my roommate and my sponsor both said something to me about it this last time, and I realized my crazy obsessive thinking extended not just to relationships and people, but to my body image/physical health as well. Because of that correlation, I then realized I could turn that over to God just as much as any other struggle. The amazing thing is that over the past couple months I've been able to maintain and lose a little bit, and be at the lowest weight I've had all year. I'm able to turn over meal-times, food cravings, and food choices to God. I'm continuing to just walk, stay active, and focus on the healthy eating habits I've learned over the years (drinking lots of water, having enough fruits and vegetables, having a balanced diet with protein and fiber). I can feel a difference and I know it's not because of anything I'm necessarily doing differently. I'm just not obsessed about it or trying to control the outcome.
I give these two examples, because my roommate's comment about how "Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!" is right on the money. How many times do we carry around crap, baggage, resentments, wrong decisions, etc., that are so unnecessary? Our body, our mind, our spirit, are all much happier and healthier when we can turn things over to God and allow him to guide us into right decision-making.
I'm currently working on my 4th step. I'm not even through my family and early childhood friends, and already I see patterns. I'm anticipating what's going to happen when I get into grade school, high school, college, and beyond. I already know some of the things that will come up, and it's not pretty to look at it all. As a matter of fact, at times it's downright ugly to look at, and it's hard not to get depressed or frustrated looking at the ugly. I can feel the burden and the baggage. It's not "unnecessary" baggage in one respect because it's helping me making changes in my life, and seeing patterns allows me to break them. However, it's unnecessary to carry it around in order to beat myself up.
My sponsor said the 4th step is really what it says - an inventory, an "I have this many cans of corn, and this many boxes of brownie mix" situation. I have to keep reminding myself of that or I will get overwhelmed and my body and spirit will be negatively affected. Having a blog and sharing the journey with the unknown void allows me to be accountable, and for that I'm grateful!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Gratitude, Humility, and Surrender
I've been trying to write a blog post at least once per week because I have so many thoughts rolling around in my brain and it helps to get it down on paper every so often. So far it's been a great way to share with the great unknown world my own experience, strength, and hope, if such a thing exists :)
This past week was Thanksgiving, and I'm grateful for the reminder to be grateful. Ever since last week when my crazy stories got me in trouble and I had to work consciously on curbing my obsessive thinking, I've been in a funky mood. I was also anticipating how busy this weekend would be at work, and how I wouldn't really get to relax when so many other people get to take a long weekend and even travel "home" or somewhere else to see family or do something fun. For me, not getting caught up in the bitter moments and focusing on all the possible negative can be challenging sometimes. Even reminding myself to be grateful and find (or even write down) things I'm thankful for doesn't always work.
This year, however, I found a quote. I clung to this quote because it carried the weight of a few key words I strive to foster in my own life. The quote came in an email from Tommy Newberry, who's the author of The 4:8 Principle . He's a big believer and proponent of gratitude and positive thinking, and uses Philippians 4:8 (a Bible verse) as his mantra and inspiration. Anyway, the email was talking about Thanksgiving and practicing gratitude. In it, he says "Gratitude is a conviction, a practice, & a discipline. It’s an essential nutrient for the soul, a spiritual amino acid for human growth, creativity & joy."
Wow. Gratitude is an action, a practice, a discipline, a conviction. It is not just some flimsy or whimsical ideal, it is something concrete and tangible that we have to work on every single day. It's like writing a daily blog in order to hone your writing skills, or hitting the batting cages in baseball in order to improve your swing and increase your hitting average. You have to practice gratitude. That means that even if you're not feeling particularly thankful or grateful, you should think about it anyway and make yourself come up with items for a gratitude list or just force yourself to note the people or situations or things you are grateful for at any given day or time, whether it's the little kids playing tag you saw in the park by your house or the friend who called you out of the blue just to say hi. For me, sometimes it's the big picture things ("I'm grateful my relationships with my parents are improving and we can communicate better and more effectively than we ever have") and sometimes it's simple tiny things "I'm grateful for my cat who snuggled with me in bed this morning because she's cute and warm and makes me smile and feel loved.")
The second part of the quote, about it being an essential nutrient for the soul that helps build and grow creativity and joy, really hit home for me. As I continue to take art classes, explore psychological and spiritual principles, hone my hospitality skills, and practice being of humble service every day, I am seeking to grow and strengthen my creativity and my joy. I believe I am creative person, and it's no wonder to me that someone who practices gratitude faithfully is able to have an open mind and heart to the creative process. When you are grateful, you are free. Thankfulness and gratitude open the heart, mind, and soul to receive gifts many would never see. And the smallest act of kindness, the smallest moment of quiet or beauty, the inner space that gratitude provides can lead to the most striking inspiration. The inner space gratitude provides also allows your true self to emerge and allows you to focus on being of service and finding joy in that surrender.
Humility and surrender are near to the top of my prayer list these days. If I'm to overcome my obsessive thinking, it's going to come from a willingness to turn over my crap to God. It's going to happen when I willingly surrender my will to God and allow him to fill my mind and heart with gratitude and the desire to be of service and focus on my singleness of purpose. I didn't used to understand surrender... I wanted to be in charge and thought that I could do it all with God's help, but that God's help was secondary and would just come in terms of strengthening my own will and assets. Now I realize that I can't do it all myself and that my greatest successes will come when I ask for help, get out of the way, and allow God's grace to work through me in his time and in his fashion. It's hard, but the prayer for surrender comes easier, and I understand the necessity of surrender more than I did before.
Hopefully this coming year I will be able to focus more on gratitude, allowing space for my creativity to grow and my joy to overflow. I hope to continue asking for the willingness to surrender and be of humble service, so that God's will may be done and I may find peace, serenity, and joy in watching his will work in my life.
This past week was Thanksgiving, and I'm grateful for the reminder to be grateful. Ever since last week when my crazy stories got me in trouble and I had to work consciously on curbing my obsessive thinking, I've been in a funky mood. I was also anticipating how busy this weekend would be at work, and how I wouldn't really get to relax when so many other people get to take a long weekend and even travel "home" or somewhere else to see family or do something fun. For me, not getting caught up in the bitter moments and focusing on all the possible negative can be challenging sometimes. Even reminding myself to be grateful and find (or even write down) things I'm thankful for doesn't always work.
This year, however, I found a quote. I clung to this quote because it carried the weight of a few key words I strive to foster in my own life. The quote came in an email from Tommy Newberry, who's the author of The 4:8 Principle . He's a big believer and proponent of gratitude and positive thinking, and uses Philippians 4:8 (a Bible verse) as his mantra and inspiration. Anyway, the email was talking about Thanksgiving and practicing gratitude. In it, he says "Gratitude is a conviction, a practice, & a discipline. It’s an essential nutrient for the soul, a spiritual amino acid for human growth, creativity & joy."
Wow. Gratitude is an action, a practice, a discipline, a conviction. It is not just some flimsy or whimsical ideal, it is something concrete and tangible that we have to work on every single day. It's like writing a daily blog in order to hone your writing skills, or hitting the batting cages in baseball in order to improve your swing and increase your hitting average. You have to practice gratitude. That means that even if you're not feeling particularly thankful or grateful, you should think about it anyway and make yourself come up with items for a gratitude list or just force yourself to note the people or situations or things you are grateful for at any given day or time, whether it's the little kids playing tag you saw in the park by your house or the friend who called you out of the blue just to say hi. For me, sometimes it's the big picture things ("I'm grateful my relationships with my parents are improving and we can communicate better and more effectively than we ever have") and sometimes it's simple tiny things "I'm grateful for my cat who snuggled with me in bed this morning because she's cute and warm and makes me smile and feel loved.")
The second part of the quote, about it being an essential nutrient for the soul that helps build and grow creativity and joy, really hit home for me. As I continue to take art classes, explore psychological and spiritual principles, hone my hospitality skills, and practice being of humble service every day, I am seeking to grow and strengthen my creativity and my joy. I believe I am creative person, and it's no wonder to me that someone who practices gratitude faithfully is able to have an open mind and heart to the creative process. When you are grateful, you are free. Thankfulness and gratitude open the heart, mind, and soul to receive gifts many would never see. And the smallest act of kindness, the smallest moment of quiet or beauty, the inner space that gratitude provides can lead to the most striking inspiration. The inner space gratitude provides also allows your true self to emerge and allows you to focus on being of service and finding joy in that surrender.
Humility and surrender are near to the top of my prayer list these days. If I'm to overcome my obsessive thinking, it's going to come from a willingness to turn over my crap to God. It's going to happen when I willingly surrender my will to God and allow him to fill my mind and heart with gratitude and the desire to be of service and focus on my singleness of purpose. I didn't used to understand surrender... I wanted to be in charge and thought that I could do it all with God's help, but that God's help was secondary and would just come in terms of strengthening my own will and assets. Now I realize that I can't do it all myself and that my greatest successes will come when I ask for help, get out of the way, and allow God's grace to work through me in his time and in his fashion. It's hard, but the prayer for surrender comes easier, and I understand the necessity of surrender more than I did before.
Hopefully this coming year I will be able to focus more on gratitude, allowing space for my creativity to grow and my joy to overflow. I hope to continue asking for the willingness to surrender and be of humble service, so that God's will may be done and I may find peace, serenity, and joy in watching his will work in my life.
Monday, November 22, 2010
"I make up these stories in my head"
There is a reason I was always good at creative writing. It was because I was great at making up these grand stories in my head, where I had "real" conversations with people that didn't exist (or with people who existed that I had never actually met or been friends with). I would make up these grandiose connections and somehow make myself look and feel important in them - either pitied, or "special", or a "tragic hero" type figure. Whether it was pretending I had an older brother who was sent away when I was five and never heard from again, being officially accepted into the competitive dance lines at my studio and being friends with all of them, or even the normal "daydream turned obsession" about whatever boy I had a crush on at the time, I was great at making up stories.
I laugh, though, because "was" actually means "am." I may not have the same daydreams or storytelling (in my head) about being special or having a unique connection to any particular group. I'm happy to say I have real friends, real groups I belong to, and am more self-confident in my ability to be and keep good friends. However, the "making up stories in my head" business STILL comes into play with regards to boys and relationships. I think I feel this connection with someone, and I start to daydream about what it would be like to date that person, and before you know I've made us soulmates and am obsessed with creating an intimacy and developing a closeness that may or may not have existed before.
Now, this is not to say that closeness and intimacy with these boys does not or cannot exist. I just push it too hard, and I try to force it, and I don't really allow anything natural to develop at all. This is a really ugly pattern, and one I really want to change. However, I know I cannot change it myself (thank God). I also know that I'm not quite in a place or space or mind frame TO change it. My sponsor says it takes time, and she says working through my fourth and fifth and sixth steps will help a lot (4th step being the big one... 5 and 6 are just conversations and prayer... REALLY important conversations and prayer, but not the same amount of writing and internal reflecting that the 4th step entails).
So... I'm going to keep trying to take steps back, try to offer up my obsessive thinking, try to focus on living in the present and using my resources and doing my work and being of service. I'm going to let go of my need to be or have someone be something specific to me right now, or ever. I'm going to focus on changing myself - my own thinking and attitudes and not worrying what might or might not be happening in my life regarding another person. I want to give "...whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise" (Philippians 4:8) the chance to grow and mature and breathe.
I laugh, though, because "was" actually means "am." I may not have the same daydreams or storytelling (in my head) about being special or having a unique connection to any particular group. I'm happy to say I have real friends, real groups I belong to, and am more self-confident in my ability to be and keep good friends. However, the "making up stories in my head" business STILL comes into play with regards to boys and relationships. I think I feel this connection with someone, and I start to daydream about what it would be like to date that person, and before you know I've made us soulmates and am obsessed with creating an intimacy and developing a closeness that may or may not have existed before.
Now, this is not to say that closeness and intimacy with these boys does not or cannot exist. I just push it too hard, and I try to force it, and I don't really allow anything natural to develop at all. This is a really ugly pattern, and one I really want to change. However, I know I cannot change it myself (thank God). I also know that I'm not quite in a place or space or mind frame TO change it. My sponsor says it takes time, and she says working through my fourth and fifth and sixth steps will help a lot (4th step being the big one... 5 and 6 are just conversations and prayer... REALLY important conversations and prayer, but not the same amount of writing and internal reflecting that the 4th step entails).
So... I'm going to keep trying to take steps back, try to offer up my obsessive thinking, try to focus on living in the present and using my resources and doing my work and being of service. I'm going to let go of my need to be or have someone be something specific to me right now, or ever. I'm going to focus on changing myself - my own thinking and attitudes and not worrying what might or might not be happening in my life regarding another person. I want to give "...whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise" (Philippians 4:8) the chance to grow and mature and breathe.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Creativity Abounds!
I love being in art classes. When I was growing up, I always loved the art projects for class. Creative writing projects probably came first, but art/craft projects probably came a very close second. Both stretched the bounds of my limited analytical thinking, and both allowed me to express myself safely without fear of criticism. Somehow I always knew that it was what I thought about them that mattered the most. If I colored a picture for a coloring contest and liked how it turned out, if I was pleased with the story or essay, if I liked the way I was able to master some skill in some fashion for an art project, it did not matter to me if anyone else liked it. I'm sure in some form or fashion I wanted to be liked and for my things to be approved of and appreciated, and I know that was true in a number of OTHER things in my life. But in terms of my creativity, I think I've always felt some freedom and peace in my expression.
That doesn't mean I don't have insecurities about it. I am terrified that my art will not be good enough to allow me a place in the occupation of art therapy. It doesn't matter that I do have skill and talent, that I am working hard to perfect and grow those skills and talents, AND that I have a great ability to talk about my creative process and my completed works. I know I have what it takes to be a successful, compassionate, creative, and wonderful art therapist. But I'm still insecure about my ability to be seen in a professional environment as a strong and talented artist when there are so many people in the field who have art degrees and backgrounds.
The blessing of my life journey this past year is that I am seeing my insecurities more clearly AND I'm learning to proactively work to change them versus working to change my reactions to them. I still need to be aware of and change how I react to my insecurities and be watchful and mindful of how they can play out in my interactions with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. However, how I have the ability and willingness to look one step deeper and attack the insecurities themselves.
For example, WHY do I feel insecure in my art abilities? Well, probably because I've only been taking classes for three semesters and am still very new to the drawing and painting scenes. I'm still very inexperienced with the media, even if I have shown some aptitude for them in my classes. Well, one way to improve and become more confident in a skill such as drawing or painting is to practice! And out of that thought came the inspiration to create a small 8x10 painting for each of my family members for Christmas, AND to use a few of my photography assignment prints to create gifts for a couple friends.
These projects will not only give me practice working with different media, they will also be great additions to my portfolio, will allow me to create something of myself for people I like, and will probably inspire future projects!
I'm very excited about what the next month will bring in terms of my art and creative endeavors. I continue to work on writing my 4th step, which is about the extent of my creative writing these days (except these occasional blog posts). I am contemplating what classes to take next semester and believe I am close to deciding on two classes. I think I will be able to create my portfolio next summer without too much hassle or fear. I am really looking forward to continuing this creative journey and seeing what will come out of my untapped imagination next!
That doesn't mean I don't have insecurities about it. I am terrified that my art will not be good enough to allow me a place in the occupation of art therapy. It doesn't matter that I do have skill and talent, that I am working hard to perfect and grow those skills and talents, AND that I have a great ability to talk about my creative process and my completed works. I know I have what it takes to be a successful, compassionate, creative, and wonderful art therapist. But I'm still insecure about my ability to be seen in a professional environment as a strong and talented artist when there are so many people in the field who have art degrees and backgrounds.
The blessing of my life journey this past year is that I am seeing my insecurities more clearly AND I'm learning to proactively work to change them versus working to change my reactions to them. I still need to be aware of and change how I react to my insecurities and be watchful and mindful of how they can play out in my interactions with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. However, how I have the ability and willingness to look one step deeper and attack the insecurities themselves.
For example, WHY do I feel insecure in my art abilities? Well, probably because I've only been taking classes for three semesters and am still very new to the drawing and painting scenes. I'm still very inexperienced with the media, even if I have shown some aptitude for them in my classes. Well, one way to improve and become more confident in a skill such as drawing or painting is to practice! And out of that thought came the inspiration to create a small 8x10 painting for each of my family members for Christmas, AND to use a few of my photography assignment prints to create gifts for a couple friends.
These projects will not only give me practice working with different media, they will also be great additions to my portfolio, will allow me to create something of myself for people I like, and will probably inspire future projects!
I'm very excited about what the next month will bring in terms of my art and creative endeavors. I continue to work on writing my 4th step, which is about the extent of my creative writing these days (except these occasional blog posts). I am contemplating what classes to take next semester and believe I am close to deciding on two classes. I think I will be able to create my portfolio next summer without too much hassle or fear. I am really looking forward to continuing this creative journey and seeing what will come out of my untapped imagination next!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Can't Sleep
It's after 4:30 in the morning and I've been wide awake for almost two hours after sleeping for only three hours previously. I have no idea why that is. Perhaps my body didn't like the caffeinated beverage at 4:30 p.m.? I've had soda after 4:00 before, I didn't think espresso was that much different. I only had a tall size, which is only one shot of espresso. I was falling asleep on the train to the meeting and was sleeping during the meeting at moments. Then on my walk back I seemed to pick up a bit, but still felt tired. But after talking to Audrey and hanging out for a couple hours before she went to bed, I was suddenly wide awake. I stayed up until 11:30, which is weird, especially considering how tired I had been yesterday (today? hard to tell what to call it at this point). And then I woke up to go to the bathroom after tossing and turning and coming out of a dream sleep a little before 3:00 a.m. And rather than toss and turn trying to force myself to go back to sleep, I grabbed the computer and decided to bum around on here. I got my Gmail inbox cleaned out (normally that puts me to sleep... no luck). I planned out some of my Christmas shopping list, though being a very broke student I don't have much to BUY. I had a little snack of Honey Nut Cheerios and chocolate chips (with milk of course) because my stomach was GROWLING and figured if I was up for 90 minutes a middle of the night meal or snack was okay. We burn calories while sleeping anyway, or so I've been told.
So I decided it was time to put "pen to paper" so to speak, and write another entry, this one a bit more personal. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel the need to put it out into the void of cosmic blog-land.
My roommate has this great phrase called "the possibility of the possibility." She uses it primarily in terms of this ongoing "romantic interest that isn't anything more than friendship though there have been a few romantic-type moments the few times we've hung out and we talk every day regularly throughout the day" situation she has with a friend in the Atlanta area. She and I live in Chicago, and she's only met the man a few times. But after spending time together in October, they talked and both were open to "the possibility of the possibility." What this means is they would both be interested in seeing if something progressed further, but neither are in a place (in life, geographically, etc.) to actively pursue something so they're just remaining really good friends knowing this other aspect of the friendship is a possibility they're both open to exploring someday.
I wish I had my roommates self-awareness and ability to be content in that kind of situation. I too have a guy in my life I'd love to explore a romantic possibility with. It's someone I've known for almost half my life. We were friends in high school, and reconnected second semester of freshman year of college, and have been good friends ever since. We know so much about each other, and we can talk about anything. He's someone I rely on for prayers and support with family stuff, encouragement in terms of school and faith formation activities, laughter, comfort, and more. Off and on over the years I've wondered if something could ever exist between us. I remember one specific instance sitting outside on the porch of the town house in Maple Grove I lived in, and we were talking about relationships (we were in college, I don't remember how old, maybe the summer between sophomore and junior year). And it was just a fleeting thing, nothing serious, we both just brushed it off. I think I asked and he kind of brushed it off. There have been other moments when I've wondered... and I've been in various stages of how I felt about it.
It took over a year to get over my ex, and has taken a second full year to get myself back into some semblance of mental health and confidence. Al-Anon has helped a great deal, as has living with a roommate who knows, understands, loves, challenges, supports, encourages, and helps me. We have an amazing friendship and roommate relationship, and I couldn't ask for a better roommate or living situation. I swear that whenever I do enter into a romantic relationship again, or marriage, or whatever, I have an awesome example of what a healthy relationship of ANY sort looks like. We over-communicate, listen, support, encourage, share the chores and daily living tasks, can stand up for ourselves yet also be kind and thoughtful and aware of the other person's needs and feelings. If we disagree we either reach a compromise or agree to disagree. It's wonderful.
She also knows me so well by now, and has walked this first year of Al-Anon with me (as has this guy friend). She knows all about my most recent ex-relationship. When I've talked to her about this boy situation and my friend back home, she gets it. She has met him and totally approves, and she knows where I'm at with being open to a romantic possibility again.
Here's the thing. I don't want to push, I don't want to manipulate, I don't want to rush, I don't want to control, I don't want to try to force my way. I don't know if this is something God wants for me, and I'm trying to be open to his will and not mine. For so long, especially in romantic relationships, I've been the driving force in making it happen or keeping it going. I've initiated every single relationship I've been in, even my high school boyfriend (I asked him to our Sadie Hawkins dance, where girls ask boys, though he did take the next step and ask me to the Winter Formal... but it was when we were hanging out one night after that where I brought up us and we had to talk about whether we were dating or not). With my most recent ex, I recognized a signal that he was attracted to me and interested, and I initiated activities that encouraged it, then he kissed me and we began dating. I also initiated each of the break-ups with that particular ex. I think so much of it was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I was young and immature and didn't know how to handle the seriousness and the intensity of the relationship. I think we were both too young and immature, and I don't think either of us knew what we REALLY wanted, even though we talked very seriously about marriage for a good portion of our relationship and seemed to be on the same page.
The next time I start dating, I don't want to be the one that has to initiate the whole thing. I want to be able to share a mutual attraction, and let the guy take the lead for once. I want to be content waiting, and I want to be content maybe opening the door 85% and being content waiting for him (whoever "he" may be) to come the final 15%. (this is a take on a reference in the movie "Hitch" if anyone has seen it, when he's talking about goodnight kisses). In terms of this one particular guy, I know he's shy. I know he has a hard time being vulnerable, even with me and he's known me for a LONG time. Last Christmas when I casually brought it up, he said it's difficult to start something long-distance (he's back home in Minnesota, and I'm in Chicago). However, I said, "It doesn't sound like you're totally against the possibility/idea." and he must have said something to affirm that because I remember responding, "Well that's all I need to know right now."
Over the course of this past year we've grown closer again, reconnected as friends, talked more regularly than we have in years, he came to visit in August, and even met a few of my girlfriends. In the past month or so, I've become increasingly aware how grateful I am for his presence, increasingly aware of my attraction towards him, and increasingly wishful in regards to us being in the same city or being able to see what could possibly be. But I can't make it be something it's not, and I can't make it be something NOW if it's meant to be something at all.
So I guess what it all boils down to is this... I'm open to a possibility, to "the possibility of a possibility" of a romantic connection and future with a friend I care deeply about. I think he's open to it in some capacity, but we're 400 miles apart, we're both in jobs not related to the career goals we have, and I think in some respects we're both scared. I don't know what I want, and I sure as hell don't know what HE wants. What I DO know is I've got so much more personal work to do before I can really be in a long-term serious relationship. I am just starting my 4th step, which is the "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. After I clear all that garbage away and eventually start making amends, I'll be in a much different place.
Can I be patient and wait for God to give me a clue as to what my future holds romantically? Can I allow him to pick the person who will sweep me off my feet and fight for me? Can I give my will over to God and ask him to give me the trust and faith it will take to not try to fix, manage, and control whatever relationship I have next?
I hope so. I'm certainly going to try.
So I decided it was time to put "pen to paper" so to speak, and write another entry, this one a bit more personal. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel the need to put it out into the void of cosmic blog-land.
My roommate has this great phrase called "the possibility of the possibility." She uses it primarily in terms of this ongoing "romantic interest that isn't anything more than friendship though there have been a few romantic-type moments the few times we've hung out and we talk every day regularly throughout the day" situation she has with a friend in the Atlanta area. She and I live in Chicago, and she's only met the man a few times. But after spending time together in October, they talked and both were open to "the possibility of the possibility." What this means is they would both be interested in seeing if something progressed further, but neither are in a place (in life, geographically, etc.) to actively pursue something so they're just remaining really good friends knowing this other aspect of the friendship is a possibility they're both open to exploring someday.
I wish I had my roommates self-awareness and ability to be content in that kind of situation. I too have a guy in my life I'd love to explore a romantic possibility with. It's someone I've known for almost half my life. We were friends in high school, and reconnected second semester of freshman year of college, and have been good friends ever since. We know so much about each other, and we can talk about anything. He's someone I rely on for prayers and support with family stuff, encouragement in terms of school and faith formation activities, laughter, comfort, and more. Off and on over the years I've wondered if something could ever exist between us. I remember one specific instance sitting outside on the porch of the town house in Maple Grove I lived in, and we were talking about relationships (we were in college, I don't remember how old, maybe the summer between sophomore and junior year). And it was just a fleeting thing, nothing serious, we both just brushed it off. I think I asked and he kind of brushed it off. There have been other moments when I've wondered... and I've been in various stages of how I felt about it.
It took over a year to get over my ex, and has taken a second full year to get myself back into some semblance of mental health and confidence. Al-Anon has helped a great deal, as has living with a roommate who knows, understands, loves, challenges, supports, encourages, and helps me. We have an amazing friendship and roommate relationship, and I couldn't ask for a better roommate or living situation. I swear that whenever I do enter into a romantic relationship again, or marriage, or whatever, I have an awesome example of what a healthy relationship of ANY sort looks like. We over-communicate, listen, support, encourage, share the chores and daily living tasks, can stand up for ourselves yet also be kind and thoughtful and aware of the other person's needs and feelings. If we disagree we either reach a compromise or agree to disagree. It's wonderful.
She also knows me so well by now, and has walked this first year of Al-Anon with me (as has this guy friend). She knows all about my most recent ex-relationship. When I've talked to her about this boy situation and my friend back home, she gets it. She has met him and totally approves, and she knows where I'm at with being open to a romantic possibility again.
Here's the thing. I don't want to push, I don't want to manipulate, I don't want to rush, I don't want to control, I don't want to try to force my way. I don't know if this is something God wants for me, and I'm trying to be open to his will and not mine. For so long, especially in romantic relationships, I've been the driving force in making it happen or keeping it going. I've initiated every single relationship I've been in, even my high school boyfriend (I asked him to our Sadie Hawkins dance, where girls ask boys, though he did take the next step and ask me to the Winter Formal... but it was when we were hanging out one night after that where I brought up us and we had to talk about whether we were dating or not). With my most recent ex, I recognized a signal that he was attracted to me and interested, and I initiated activities that encouraged it, then he kissed me and we began dating. I also initiated each of the break-ups with that particular ex. I think so much of it was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I was young and immature and didn't know how to handle the seriousness and the intensity of the relationship. I think we were both too young and immature, and I don't think either of us knew what we REALLY wanted, even though we talked very seriously about marriage for a good portion of our relationship and seemed to be on the same page.
The next time I start dating, I don't want to be the one that has to initiate the whole thing. I want to be able to share a mutual attraction, and let the guy take the lead for once. I want to be content waiting, and I want to be content maybe opening the door 85% and being content waiting for him (whoever "he" may be) to come the final 15%. (this is a take on a reference in the movie "Hitch" if anyone has seen it, when he's talking about goodnight kisses). In terms of this one particular guy, I know he's shy. I know he has a hard time being vulnerable, even with me and he's known me for a LONG time. Last Christmas when I casually brought it up, he said it's difficult to start something long-distance (he's back home in Minnesota, and I'm in Chicago). However, I said, "It doesn't sound like you're totally against the possibility/idea." and he must have said something to affirm that because I remember responding, "Well that's all I need to know right now."
Over the course of this past year we've grown closer again, reconnected as friends, talked more regularly than we have in years, he came to visit in August, and even met a few of my girlfriends. In the past month or so, I've become increasingly aware how grateful I am for his presence, increasingly aware of my attraction towards him, and increasingly wishful in regards to us being in the same city or being able to see what could possibly be. But I can't make it be something it's not, and I can't make it be something NOW if it's meant to be something at all.
So I guess what it all boils down to is this... I'm open to a possibility, to "the possibility of a possibility" of a romantic connection and future with a friend I care deeply about. I think he's open to it in some capacity, but we're 400 miles apart, we're both in jobs not related to the career goals we have, and I think in some respects we're both scared. I don't know what I want, and I sure as hell don't know what HE wants. What I DO know is I've got so much more personal work to do before I can really be in a long-term serious relationship. I am just starting my 4th step, which is the "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. After I clear all that garbage away and eventually start making amends, I'll be in a much different place.
Can I be patient and wait for God to give me a clue as to what my future holds romantically? Can I allow him to pick the person who will sweep me off my feet and fight for me? Can I give my will over to God and ask him to give me the trust and faith it will take to not try to fix, manage, and control whatever relationship I have next?
I hope so. I'm certainly going to try.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
WAIT and THINK
My Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting is a literature meeting, meaning we read a section from a specific conference-approved book and our personal sharing revolves around the themes said reading evokes. A couple weeks ago the reading was from the section on slogans, specifically a section called "Think."
We joke about this slogan because one of the biggest reasons we are in Al-Anon for help is because we've spent our lives thinking too much. We try to "fix, manage, and control" and tend to over-think and over-analyze. As it says in the suggested opening, "Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it." But what the slogan "Think" is trying to help us remember is that 1. we can STOP and THINK when we're about to react, and 2. we have choices in how we allow our thoughts to manifest themselves in words and actions. "Think" from a program perspective becomes about allowing our higher power to enter into our space, and help us take a step back to think through our choices and find the best response before we offer a knee-jerk reaction that we will in all likelihood have to apologize for later.
A friend who shared at this meeting gave two great acronyms to help us remember to WAIT and THINK before acting and speaking. Here's my personal summary of what I heard: When tempted to act/react without thinking, ask if your word or action is Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind (THINK). Then think about whether to say or do. Also, consider "Why Am I Talking?" (WAIT) Sometimes it is better to be quiet and listen.
I'm so grateful for this reminder. I hope it's helpful for others as well!
We joke about this slogan because one of the biggest reasons we are in Al-Anon for help is because we've spent our lives thinking too much. We try to "fix, manage, and control" and tend to over-think and over-analyze. As it says in the suggested opening, "Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it." But what the slogan "Think" is trying to help us remember is that 1. we can STOP and THINK when we're about to react, and 2. we have choices in how we allow our thoughts to manifest themselves in words and actions. "Think" from a program perspective becomes about allowing our higher power to enter into our space, and help us take a step back to think through our choices and find the best response before we offer a knee-jerk reaction that we will in all likelihood have to apologize for later.
A friend who shared at this meeting gave two great acronyms to help us remember to WAIT and THINK before acting and speaking. Here's my personal summary of what I heard: When tempted to act/react without thinking, ask if your word or action is Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind (THINK). Then think about whether to say or do. Also, consider "Why Am I Talking?" (WAIT) Sometimes it is better to be quiet and listen.
I'm so grateful for this reminder. I hope it's helpful for others as well!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Stillness
This month I celebrated the one-year anniversary of coming into Al-Anon. As a fellowship and program for friends and families of alcoholics, it provides a safe space for those of us with loved ones who drink to talk, share, and find some peace and serenity. What most don't realize when coming in is that Al-Anon helps change ourselves so we can think and behave differently when faced with life's challenges, whether it's the alcoholic(s) in our lives or not.
I'm grateful that I knew to some extent coming in that I was the one who needed help, who needed to change. I could see some of what needed to change, but I certainly couldn't see all of it. I was in pain, and I didn't even know the full extent of my pain. However, over the course of the past year, listening to others' share their experience, strength, and hope, I have become more aware of my own patterns and triggers. I am starting to see myself more clearly, issues and all, and am coming to a greater acceptance of that which I cannot change and a greater confidence and courage to change that which I can.
One of the beautiful things about this program is the family and fellowship it provides. I attend two meetings weekly and both provide unconditional love and support. My home group in particular is full of men and women who accept me, challenge me, love me just as I am, regardless of where I'm at in my journey. They ask how I am and actually care. If I mention a struggle, they get it. If I share a joy, they celebrate with me. I get hugs and hellos and smiles from people I have come to regard as friends and family.
This particular group celebrates "Al-Anon Birthdays" (anniversaries) during the regular meeting once a month. For October, we had 6 people to celebrate. It was an amazing witness to the strength of the program and the love we have for each other. One tradition includes the sponsor of said birthday boy/girl to get up and introduce him/her, talk about the year and give the person a word/phrase. The word or phrase can be reflective of the past year and/or something to work towards in the year to come. It's always fun to see what word the person is given, and it's always cool to reflect on and hear how we can all apply that word to our lives.
This year, for my first birthday, my sponsor gave me the word "STILLNESS." As a very busy girl - going to school part-time and working part-time, with friends and a roommate and a weekly volunteer commitment and Al-Anon meetings/step-work - I don't often take time or get time for STILLNESS, and respite from the whirlwind of daily life. It sometimes causes me to beat myself up or be too hard on myself because I didn't get everything done. I have come a long way in the past year regarding letting go of the things I just don't get done in a given day or week. But, as she said in the card she gave me, "My wish for you - as you continue to walk the path in the coming year - is a respite for your heart and soul. Less thinking, more inner space." She said we become so aware of things in the first year, that we're constantly bursting at the seams with new insight and new reflections. Now that I've finished the first three steps and have a deeper awareness of things, now it's time to take that step back and allow my life to have some STILLNESS. Some QUIET. Some INNER SPACE to JUST BE.
I am learning to turn my brain off and listen to my heart more. I'm praying for the willingness to let God in and let God lead. He's going to have a much more powerful, profound, and peaceful effect on me than I will if I keep trying to lead and control. I've finished my first three steps, and will soon take on the task of doing my "fearless and searching more inventory of myself." That is going to require a lot of stillness, a lot of inner space, a lot of peace, and a lot of letting go and turning things over to God.
So this coming year I will focus on increasing the STILLNESS in my life. I'm so excited to see what's in store next.
I'm grateful that I knew to some extent coming in that I was the one who needed help, who needed to change. I could see some of what needed to change, but I certainly couldn't see all of it. I was in pain, and I didn't even know the full extent of my pain. However, over the course of the past year, listening to others' share their experience, strength, and hope, I have become more aware of my own patterns and triggers. I am starting to see myself more clearly, issues and all, and am coming to a greater acceptance of that which I cannot change and a greater confidence and courage to change that which I can.
One of the beautiful things about this program is the family and fellowship it provides. I attend two meetings weekly and both provide unconditional love and support. My home group in particular is full of men and women who accept me, challenge me, love me just as I am, regardless of where I'm at in my journey. They ask how I am and actually care. If I mention a struggle, they get it. If I share a joy, they celebrate with me. I get hugs and hellos and smiles from people I have come to regard as friends and family.
This particular group celebrates "Al-Anon Birthdays" (anniversaries) during the regular meeting once a month. For October, we had 6 people to celebrate. It was an amazing witness to the strength of the program and the love we have for each other. One tradition includes the sponsor of said birthday boy/girl to get up and introduce him/her, talk about the year and give the person a word/phrase. The word or phrase can be reflective of the past year and/or something to work towards in the year to come. It's always fun to see what word the person is given, and it's always cool to reflect on and hear how we can all apply that word to our lives.
This year, for my first birthday, my sponsor gave me the word "STILLNESS." As a very busy girl - going to school part-time and working part-time, with friends and a roommate and a weekly volunteer commitment and Al-Anon meetings/step-work - I don't often take time or get time for STILLNESS, and respite from the whirlwind of daily life. It sometimes causes me to beat myself up or be too hard on myself because I didn't get everything done. I have come a long way in the past year regarding letting go of the things I just don't get done in a given day or week. But, as she said in the card she gave me, "My wish for you - as you continue to walk the path in the coming year - is a respite for your heart and soul. Less thinking, more inner space." She said we become so aware of things in the first year, that we're constantly bursting at the seams with new insight and new reflections. Now that I've finished the first three steps and have a deeper awareness of things, now it's time to take that step back and allow my life to have some STILLNESS. Some QUIET. Some INNER SPACE to JUST BE.
I am learning to turn my brain off and listen to my heart more. I'm praying for the willingness to let God in and let God lead. He's going to have a much more powerful, profound, and peaceful effect on me than I will if I keep trying to lead and control. I've finished my first three steps, and will soon take on the task of doing my "fearless and searching more inventory of myself." That is going to require a lot of stillness, a lot of inner space, a lot of peace, and a lot of letting go and turning things over to God.
So this coming year I will focus on increasing the STILLNESS in my life. I'm so excited to see what's in store next.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Willingness
Tonight I am giving a lead/reflection on the topic of Willingness and Self-Care at my Al-Anon meeting. The idea of "willingness" came up when I was reflecting on my prayer and how it had changed over the course of this first year in program. A friend I was talking to one day pointed out that I needed to be willing to ask for what I needed, otherwise I would continue to expect things from people who might not have any idea what I needed or wanted from them. It came down to being clear and direct in my expectations and also becoming aware of what I truly need to get by day-to-day. It doesn't have to be major things, even something simple like an air-conditioner or a nap, but it could also be asking for someone's prayers or asking for financial help when I'm in a bind or assistance moving furniture because I can't do it by myself. The ideas of being able to ask and being willing to ask are concepts I didn't really understand until I came into Al-Anon and started working the steps. I used to think I was asking for God's help or seeking God's will, but I didn't really know what to ask for or what I really needed. My boundaries are becoming clearer, and therefore my prayers are becoming clearer. I now pray for the willingness to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn things over to God, and to be of humble service. That's my daily mantra, and all my actions, thoughts, and prayers try to center on those core ideas. If I need to take a step back and go to another room because a coworker or customer is triggering me, I can do that. I can ask God for the willingness and ability to do that. If I know I need prayers going into a particular situation that may be stressful or exhausting, I can ask for God's grace and peace to be with me, and I can ask my friends (in and out of program) to pray for me. I can turn over my concerns at the beginning, middle, and end of every day, and know at my deepest core that God has it taken care of, and I am going to be okay. I can also willingly do things for others, even if it seems like I'm giving more than I'm getting. I still struggle with the idea of doing for others even when I am not getting something in return, but I'm learning where to place my boundaries and stop giving when my tank is running empty. That prevents me from getting over-extended and then getting resentful.
Willingness and self-care did not look like this for me before program. I used to think I was willing to do something, but I often had an attitude about it - "that's not my job" or "why can't S/HE do it" or "I was going to spend that time doing something else" - all whiny, all self-centered, and all ugly. Self-care consisted of isolation resulting from over-extending beyond what I was able so I snapped and had to retreat far into myself in order to recharge my batteries. I was always good at taking mental health days in college and after college, but I always felt guilty about it and I also usually just stayed in and didn't do anything productive, fun, energizing, or life-giving to fill that time. Exercise and nutritional eating has been a focus of mine for many years, but I still don't do it to the extent I'd like, and that's because I'm not always willing to. I am learning the balance in that area of self-care, but honestly I tend to see more problems and be more concerned with my emotional self-care and how willing I am to be good to myself, be patient with myself, and take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am still not great at asking for what I need, because sometimes I don't necessarily KNOW what I need. It's hard for me to open up and ask for intimacy and help when I don't feel confident in myself as to what I'm really looking for or what I expect you to do or be or say.
I'm so grateful for this program and I'm happy I finally have the tools, resources, and forum to explore some of the issues I've been aware I have (to some extent) for a long time.
I feel good about this lead... I hope to goes well!
Willingness and self-care did not look like this for me before program. I used to think I was willing to do something, but I often had an attitude about it - "that's not my job" or "why can't S/HE do it" or "I was going to spend that time doing something else" - all whiny, all self-centered, and all ugly. Self-care consisted of isolation resulting from over-extending beyond what I was able so I snapped and had to retreat far into myself in order to recharge my batteries. I was always good at taking mental health days in college and after college, but I always felt guilty about it and I also usually just stayed in and didn't do anything productive, fun, energizing, or life-giving to fill that time. Exercise and nutritional eating has been a focus of mine for many years, but I still don't do it to the extent I'd like, and that's because I'm not always willing to. I am learning the balance in that area of self-care, but honestly I tend to see more problems and be more concerned with my emotional self-care and how willing I am to be good to myself, be patient with myself, and take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am still not great at asking for what I need, because sometimes I don't necessarily KNOW what I need. It's hard for me to open up and ask for intimacy and help when I don't feel confident in myself as to what I'm really looking for or what I expect you to do or be or say.
I'm so grateful for this program and I'm happy I finally have the tools, resources, and forum to explore some of the issues I've been aware I have (to some extent) for a long time.
I feel good about this lead... I hope to goes well!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Don't Get Lost in the Crowd
When I joined Al-Anon, it was a combination of several factors that drew me to the decision. One, I knew that my part in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was pretty distorted and dysfunctional. I knew I had largely contributed to the relationship not working out, and could even identify some of my character faults. I just didn't know how to change them. Secondly, I recognized them as patterns not only in that relationship but it other friendships and relationships as well. I didn't want to keep being the same person and doing the same things over and over again. Third, I had some awareness and insight that perhaps growing up the child of a recovering alcoholic, the child of divorce, and an ONLY child at that, probably all contributed and played some role. I considered therapy to deal with the divorce and even alcoholism factors, but wasn't sure a therapist would be enough. I had heard of Al-Anon in a passing kind of way, but had never really looked into it for myself. It was when a friend told me, "You know, you rely too much on other people for your happiness" and I replied "I know! And I don't know how to change it!" that I realized I should get help.
After 8 months in the program, I'm not anywhere near a full understanding of myself or my "Al-Anon disease" nor do I have anywhere near a strong enough concept of how to overcome my issues. Hell, I'm still learning some of them! But that awareness is such an incredible journey, and the openness, honesty, and depth with which I'm looking at and talking about myself is life-changing. It sounds dramatic, but the subtly of Al-Anon can turn your life with the click of an "Ah-Ha!" kind of switch. For example, recently I was back in the throes of feeling left out with a group of people I'd wanted to be friends with and had started to develop individual relationships with. After about two weeks of this, I finally figured out why I was feeling that way - it was because I consistently and constantly define myself based on inclusion in a group. What I'm learning is that Al-Anon teaches us not just to focus on things one day at a time, but also to focus on one relationship at a time. I know that sounds so simple, but for someone like me it's not. Even being aware and seeing this pattern with the clarity I see it now is new and life-changing. I could probably have danced around this reality for a long time, seeing parts of the pattern but never seeing the whole picture. Al-Anon helps me see the whole picture, helps me find a sense of self-esteem and personal individuality and identity. It helps me not get lost in the crowd :)
After 8 months in the program, I'm not anywhere near a full understanding of myself or my "Al-Anon disease" nor do I have anywhere near a strong enough concept of how to overcome my issues. Hell, I'm still learning some of them! But that awareness is such an incredible journey, and the openness, honesty, and depth with which I'm looking at and talking about myself is life-changing. It sounds dramatic, but the subtly of Al-Anon can turn your life with the click of an "Ah-Ha!" kind of switch. For example, recently I was back in the throes of feeling left out with a group of people I'd wanted to be friends with and had started to develop individual relationships with. After about two weeks of this, I finally figured out why I was feeling that way - it was because I consistently and constantly define myself based on inclusion in a group. What I'm learning is that Al-Anon teaches us not just to focus on things one day at a time, but also to focus on one relationship at a time. I know that sounds so simple, but for someone like me it's not. Even being aware and seeing this pattern with the clarity I see it now is new and life-changing. I could probably have danced around this reality for a long time, seeing parts of the pattern but never seeing the whole picture. Al-Anon helps me see the whole picture, helps me find a sense of self-esteem and personal individuality and identity. It helps me not get lost in the crowd :)
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
The Power of Words
In April I began my Al-Anon 12-step work, and have found it to be a fascinating journey so far. Although Al-Anon is for friends and families of alcoholics, we work the 12 steps of AA ourselves. In Al-Anon we find that changing our perspectives, our thinking, and our behaviors can have a profound effect in improving the relationships and situations we find ourselves in. I've been in Al-Anon since October 2009 (nearly 8 months now), and am already feeling and finding change happening within me. Friends I see regularly and those I see very rarely have all commented on the joy and glow that seems to be radiating out of me. I don't notice it particularly myself, but I do know and feel that I have a bit more internal peace and happiness than I did 6, 9, 12 months ago. It is amazing to me how much has changed in such a short amount of time. And as I continue working my steps, even more change will occur. I remember thinking the other night as I hustled between my own Starbucks store and one three blocks away that got slammed during a sunny and busy holiday weekend evening and needed an extra hand - "I feel like I'm going to come out of this summer wondering what the HELL just happened?!" I just have a sense that a lot of change will happen this summer, and a lot of it will be positive. We'll see if that materializes. I can't worry about what life will be like in August, I can only think about what I'm going to do with today and how I'm going to make the most of this beautiful, sunny, summer Tuesday day off.
But that's the power of Al-Anon and the 12-step work. Just as we learn to take things one day at a time and learn how to do the "next right thing", even working the first three steps of AA/Al-Anon is about taking things one at a time. The instructions for the first three steps are to find a notebook, write down the steps, find a dictionary definition for each of the major words, then write about what the word meant to you before and what it means to you now. I'll tell you what, take a sentence, any sentence, and break down the definitions and what they mean to you, and you'll learn a HELL of a lot about yourself. I finished the first step a couple weeks ago and I was floored. I had so much trouble with the word "over". It's a freaking preposition, a tiny little word, but it had a lot of definitions and I struggled to say exactly what it meant to me. What I finally realized was that growing up, I always associated it with endings - "the play is over, the friendship is over, grade school is over." Now I see it more in terms of a journey and a sharing - "turning my will and life over to God" "starting over" and "going/coming over". It's about communication and being in relationship with others, and about beginnings that arise from endings.
That's just one example. Some of the reflections have been surprises, some have been things I've known and am in Al-Anon to hopefully overcome/change, such as my idea of "believe". Believe means to have trust and confidence, to find value and validity, etc., which are all things I struggle with. I don't believe in a lot of things that I want to believe in. Hopefully one day I will.
I'm blessed to have a number of amazing friends who have been and continue to be supportive of this journey in Al-Anon I'm taking. I know it will continue to improve my friendships and relationships, and I'm looking forward to watching those changes happen. I have to continue having patience though. I'm starting to be ready to be interested in dating again, but I know I'm not quite ready. It's challenging because there are a couple different people I would be interested in seeing where things might go in that respect, but I also know I can't force it, can't rush it, and don't want to because that's never worked for me before. I'm only 27 years old. I can be patient and let the journey and the process take the time it needs. I want to wait for the right person, and I want to be ready for that next right relationship. I have screwed up friendships and romantic relationships in the past with my character defects, but the time for damage prevention is here. As much as I can try not to hurt others I will. I know I can't be perfect and hurt, pain, sadness are part of life. But as much as I can try to avoid intentionally hurting others the better.
So that's the update for now. Thanks for listening. Time for me to enjoy this beautiful summer day!
But that's the power of Al-Anon and the 12-step work. Just as we learn to take things one day at a time and learn how to do the "next right thing", even working the first three steps of AA/Al-Anon is about taking things one at a time. The instructions for the first three steps are to find a notebook, write down the steps, find a dictionary definition for each of the major words, then write about what the word meant to you before and what it means to you now. I'll tell you what, take a sentence, any sentence, and break down the definitions and what they mean to you, and you'll learn a HELL of a lot about yourself. I finished the first step a couple weeks ago and I was floored. I had so much trouble with the word "over". It's a freaking preposition, a tiny little word, but it had a lot of definitions and I struggled to say exactly what it meant to me. What I finally realized was that growing up, I always associated it with endings - "the play is over, the friendship is over, grade school is over." Now I see it more in terms of a journey and a sharing - "turning my will and life over to God" "starting over" and "going/coming over". It's about communication and being in relationship with others, and about beginnings that arise from endings.
That's just one example. Some of the reflections have been surprises, some have been things I've known and am in Al-Anon to hopefully overcome/change, such as my idea of "believe". Believe means to have trust and confidence, to find value and validity, etc., which are all things I struggle with. I don't believe in a lot of things that I want to believe in. Hopefully one day I will.
I'm blessed to have a number of amazing friends who have been and continue to be supportive of this journey in Al-Anon I'm taking. I know it will continue to improve my friendships and relationships, and I'm looking forward to watching those changes happen. I have to continue having patience though. I'm starting to be ready to be interested in dating again, but I know I'm not quite ready. It's challenging because there are a couple different people I would be interested in seeing where things might go in that respect, but I also know I can't force it, can't rush it, and don't want to because that's never worked for me before. I'm only 27 years old. I can be patient and let the journey and the process take the time it needs. I want to wait for the right person, and I want to be ready for that next right relationship. I have screwed up friendships and romantic relationships in the past with my character defects, but the time for damage prevention is here. As much as I can try not to hurt others I will. I know I can't be perfect and hurt, pain, sadness are part of life. But as much as I can try to avoid intentionally hurting others the better.
So that's the update for now. Thanks for listening. Time for me to enjoy this beautiful summer day!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
"Forgive, Be Forgiven, Move on in Love"
Tonight, I heard Fr. Jim Hurlburt of St. Alphonsus Church in Chicago speak on forgiveness and love as a precursor to the upcoming season of Lent. One thing I love about the Charis Ministries speaker series is how the topics are so timely, somewhat familiar, and yet always refreshing, engaging, and challenging.
One thing Fr. Jim said most of us were incapable of experiencing unconditional love completely. He says "The true nature of love is only known by experiencing it, but we can't initiate love, we can only respond to and try to imitate it." Most of us will only know partial love, no matter how hard we try, because as humans we will always set conditions, even unconscious ones. Only God and Christ truly understands what "unconditional" love truly is. I relate to this idea on so many levels. I have yet to understand what "unconditional" really means, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to know and love unconditionally. I guess unconditional means acceptance and the realization that I can't control the other person or control anything outside of my own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. So if I "love someone unconditionally" I guess it means I accept them as they are. This doesn't mean I'll perfectly accept them 100% all the time, it just means that overall, I will always fall back on the "I love and accept who you are, as you are, even if I don't like or agree with everything you do or say or represent."
I have yet to fully process all of what this talk meant to me, but I made notes about the different questions I'll be reflecting on throughout Lent. It's amazing to me how much of it is rooted in Ignatian spirituality, AND how much of it I come across in the Al-Anon program I recently started working. I've been blessed with an ability to let go of grudges in a lot of ways, and I don't hold onto a lot of hurt and anger (though I'm not perfect and definitely do hold onto things sometimes). But the relationship between love and forgiveness that Fr. Jim spoke of tonight was something I hadn't realized in quite the same way, despite all my years of retreats, reflections, and built up self-awareness. I will likely continue reflecting on these topics as I start working my Al-Anon steps in the next couple months. For now I'm just grateful for a new way of looking at love and forgiveness.
One thing Fr. Jim said most of us were incapable of experiencing unconditional love completely. He says "The true nature of love is only known by experiencing it, but we can't initiate love, we can only respond to and try to imitate it." Most of us will only know partial love, no matter how hard we try, because as humans we will always set conditions, even unconscious ones. Only God and Christ truly understands what "unconditional" love truly is. I relate to this idea on so many levels. I have yet to understand what "unconditional" really means, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to know and love unconditionally. I guess unconditional means acceptance and the realization that I can't control the other person or control anything outside of my own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. So if I "love someone unconditionally" I guess it means I accept them as they are. This doesn't mean I'll perfectly accept them 100% all the time, it just means that overall, I will always fall back on the "I love and accept who you are, as you are, even if I don't like or agree with everything you do or say or represent."
I have yet to fully process all of what this talk meant to me, but I made notes about the different questions I'll be reflecting on throughout Lent. It's amazing to me how much of it is rooted in Ignatian spirituality, AND how much of it I come across in the Al-Anon program I recently started working. I've been blessed with an ability to let go of grudges in a lot of ways, and I don't hold onto a lot of hurt and anger (though I'm not perfect and definitely do hold onto things sometimes). But the relationship between love and forgiveness that Fr. Jim spoke of tonight was something I hadn't realized in quite the same way, despite all my years of retreats, reflections, and built up self-awareness. I will likely continue reflecting on these topics as I start working my Al-Anon steps in the next couple months. For now I'm just grateful for a new way of looking at love and forgiveness.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Spirit @ Work Within
Last November I participated in a retreat called "The Spirit@Work Within" presented by Charis Ministries in Chicago. It was a day-long retreat held at Loyola University Chicago's lakeshore campus with almost 50 people in their 20s and 30s. As one of the retreat team members, I was responsible for writing and giving a witness talk based on one of the retreat themes.
I had last given a retreat talk four years prior as a senior at Marquette University for the Freshman 2-Day retreat. Our theme for that particular retreat was "There's No Place Like Home" and finding a home at college. My fellow retreat team members gave talks on finding home with God, ourselves, and others. As the final speaker, my talk was focused on bringing all those themes together into one final "Home" talk. I remember spending a long time thinking about, praying about, and writing that retreat talk... a practice I repeated this year in writing my "Spirit@Work" talk. Ironically (or maybe not ironic but perhaps God-inspired), I was the final talk in both retreats. For the Spirit@Work retreat, our three talks centered on finding and using our gifts in 1) the past, 2) the present, and 3) the future. I appreciate having the experiences and self-awareness/self-reflection to give talks that summarize the retreat's themes and help people going forward.
For the Frosh 2-Day retreat, I spent a lot of time talking about how difficult my freshman year was. It was a year of major change and transition - my relationship with my mother was strained going into college, 9/11 was three weeks into my first semester, my uncle passed away unexpectedly during winter break, I dealt directly with friends acknowledging homosexuality and a friend who had been raped, did not have many friends, gained the freshman 20 pounds, wasn't involved in any activities, etc. Looking back, it's interesting to me how I even became the person I was that year - it's completely unlike anyone I had been prior and anyone I've been since. However, my freshman year taught me a number of very important lessons and helped me grow in countless ways I think I'm still experiencing. The lesson about "home" I was able to share was twofold - 1) an appreciation for my good friend Ryan who through his consistent presence and support that year helped me find my way out of the funk (finding "home" in friendship), and 2) the ability to identify what I needed to do to make my sophomore year (and consequently the rest of my college career) much better (being able to find "home" at Marquette through friends, involvement in service and church-related activities, and more).
The Spirit@Work retreat inspired a similar story, this time based on my journey towards finding my identity AND towards finding a career. The theme of my talk ended up being "Living a Life Testifying to God's Love." I shared how my gifts of creativity, hospitality, and self-awareness have been discovered over time (through my jobs, through comments by friends and family members, through reflection on the activities and people who have brought me peace and joy). Realizing how much I enjoyed working with children and remembering how strongly I've wanted to be involved in the arts, plus my interest in psychology and counseling, all led me to pursue grad school and a career in Art Therapy. However, sharing our gifts is not only a career goal... it is a life goal. And I've found that I'm able to share my gifts in a number of general life ways - from my work as a barista at Starbucks to my art and psychology classes and in all my relationships. I'm not perfect and I struggle with recognizing and remembering my gifts when I experience challenges and roadblocks. However, I've found a foundation in love and through faith I keep this desire to love and share love at the root of all I am and all I do.
I had last given a retreat talk four years prior as a senior at Marquette University for the Freshman 2-Day retreat. Our theme for that particular retreat was "There's No Place Like Home" and finding a home at college. My fellow retreat team members gave talks on finding home with God, ourselves, and others. As the final speaker, my talk was focused on bringing all those themes together into one final "Home" talk. I remember spending a long time thinking about, praying about, and writing that retreat talk... a practice I repeated this year in writing my "Spirit@Work" talk. Ironically (or maybe not ironic but perhaps God-inspired), I was the final talk in both retreats. For the Spirit@Work retreat, our three talks centered on finding and using our gifts in 1) the past, 2) the present, and 3) the future. I appreciate having the experiences and self-awareness/self-reflection to give talks that summarize the retreat's themes and help people going forward.
For the Frosh 2-Day retreat, I spent a lot of time talking about how difficult my freshman year was. It was a year of major change and transition - my relationship with my mother was strained going into college, 9/11 was three weeks into my first semester, my uncle passed away unexpectedly during winter break, I dealt directly with friends acknowledging homosexuality and a friend who had been raped, did not have many friends, gained the freshman 20 pounds, wasn't involved in any activities, etc. Looking back, it's interesting to me how I even became the person I was that year - it's completely unlike anyone I had been prior and anyone I've been since. However, my freshman year taught me a number of very important lessons and helped me grow in countless ways I think I'm still experiencing. The lesson about "home" I was able to share was twofold - 1) an appreciation for my good friend Ryan who through his consistent presence and support that year helped me find my way out of the funk (finding "home" in friendship), and 2) the ability to identify what I needed to do to make my sophomore year (and consequently the rest of my college career) much better (being able to find "home" at Marquette through friends, involvement in service and church-related activities, and more).
The Spirit@Work retreat inspired a similar story, this time based on my journey towards finding my identity AND towards finding a career. The theme of my talk ended up being "Living a Life Testifying to God's Love." I shared how my gifts of creativity, hospitality, and self-awareness have been discovered over time (through my jobs, through comments by friends and family members, through reflection on the activities and people who have brought me peace and joy). Realizing how much I enjoyed working with children and remembering how strongly I've wanted to be involved in the arts, plus my interest in psychology and counseling, all led me to pursue grad school and a career in Art Therapy. However, sharing our gifts is not only a career goal... it is a life goal. And I've found that I'm able to share my gifts in a number of general life ways - from my work as a barista at Starbucks to my art and psychology classes and in all my relationships. I'm not perfect and I struggle with recognizing and remembering my gifts when I experience challenges and roadblocks. However, I've found a foundation in love and through faith I keep this desire to love and share love at the root of all I am and all I do.
Loving Detachment
My faith is such that the concept of "fate" to me does not mean this cosmic plan I have no control over. To me, "fate" is more aligned to "God moments" - those moments when it seems the universe waited and conspired to make something happen at a given time because it was the RIGHT time.
Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.
I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)
Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.
I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)
5 Stages of Grief - a year later
In checking on my list of blog posts, I noticed a number of them had never been finished, and some of them needed to be! This one was begun in February of last year, in the midst of a heartbreaking time in my life. I had ended a really important long-term relationship with a man I had hoped and expected to marry in August 2008. Getting through the holidays was really rough, and January/February ended up being extremely low months for me. I'd experienced depression before, my freshman year of college. At that time, I felt isolated, lonely, bored, had low self-esteem, and didn't have any foundation or support. This time around, while I was experiencing grief the likes of which I hope I only ever experience again when my parents pass away, I also had more of my shit together. While the pain was at times unbearable, I had my faith, I had good friends, and I had activities that kept me going. I was participating in what's known as the 19th Annotation Retreat, or the Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life. St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote the Spiritual Exercises when he founded the Society of Jesus (Jesuit) order. It was intended to be a 30-day retreat, but the 19th Annotation stated the retreat could be done in the course of one's daily life because not everyone can take a month off to do a retreat. While this is a sad reality, it is a blessing to know the retreat is adaptable. I strongly believe that going through this retreat, which works it's way through five major themes (Love, Forgiveness, Surrender, Birth, and Freedom), helped me work through the stages of grief listed below in a healthy and natural progression. Before I go any further, I'll share the start of last year's journal entry:
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Language of Letting Go
There's a great book by Melodie Beattie called The Language of Letting Go which is a series of daily meditations for those who have been in recovery, or who, like me, are familiar with recovery from substance abuse/dependence. The meditations cover a number of topics including anger, fear, detachment, family issues, confidence, self-love, and more. Like any daily meditation, sometimes one fits for the day and sometimes it doesn't.
While it is not on the list of "conference-approved" AA or Al-Anon literature, I've found some of the reflections to be more personal, more heartfelt, and more applicable to me than other daily reading books I've found. Occasionally I'll probably share some thoughts and insights from the book, but for now I just wanted to put it out there as a resource for people who are interested in daily reflections. Even if you are not or do not have affiliation with addiction (or anyone with one), there are still great reads for ALL of us... because we all share many of the same character defects and need the same inspiration and reminders.
While it is not on the list of "conference-approved" AA or Al-Anon literature, I've found some of the reflections to be more personal, more heartfelt, and more applicable to me than other daily reading books I've found. Occasionally I'll probably share some thoughts and insights from the book, but for now I just wanted to put it out there as a resource for people who are interested in daily reflections. Even if you are not or do not have affiliation with addiction (or anyone with one), there are still great reads for ALL of us... because we all share many of the same character defects and need the same inspiration and reminders.
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