This past weekend I was in Minnesota for the Christmas holiday, and I feel as though I had the best Christmas I've ever had. It was nice to be with family when we were all in good places in life - there was no drama, no tension, no awkwardness, no underlying anything. My parents, their significant others, and my step-brother are all in a positive place in their journeys. There are still bumps on the road and struggles they're experiencing, but this is the calmest, happiest, and most at peace I've seen any of us in a long time. And that truly warms my heart, and makes me incredibly grateful.
I also spent time with more friends than I thought I had in the Twin Cities. It's amazing what a little time and space can do to help get friendships back on an even keel. I saw two friends I hadn't seen in a number of years, and had wonderful conversations catching up with them. I had no expectations - I went purely to enjoy their company. If I stay in touch beyond that, which hopefully I will, great. If not, I enjoyed the time we had catching up. What's striking to me is both John and Amy are friends from high school I kept up with through most of college and then sort of lost touch with when I went to St. Louis and then moved to Chicago. They are friends I felt were some of closest friends at one time, and I'm grateful we still reach out to each other on occasion despite time and distance. I learn a lot from them, feel valued and supported in their company, am inspired by their faith journeys and career paths and how they live their lives. I enjoy spending time with quality people like that, and it helps when they're people you can be at ease with because you've known each other for so long.
Which brings me to the reason for the subject heading. The cool thing about my family being in such good space and my being able to have the interactions I had with those old friends this weekend is that it didn't happen because any of us forced it or manipulated our way to it or tried to control it. It was just the natural progression of time and growth we are all experiencing that brought us to this time and place. The choices we've made and the things we've let go of over the years have allowed us to be here, now, healthy (or getting there), and open to change and possibility. The one relationship I still need help letting go and not controlling is with the boy I mentioned in a previous post. We had a phenomenal day together on Sunday: lunch in our favorite spot, time with a couple friends, being flirty and having fun at Dave and Buster's (like an adult Chuck-E-Cheese), then spending the evening with my family for our traditional Family Game Night. After Game Night we stayed up late talking, and got to have a REAL talk, mostly about us. In my former life, a talk like that, with no definitive solution and no real conclusion or agreement, would have frustrated me. This time, I just felt so blessed and grateful to even have the open, honest, direct, and sincere conversation we had. Even though it is incredibly difficult not to be able to pursue someone I'm attracted to, someone I trust completely, someone with whom I could see a potentially really amazing thing with, I'm also grateful we're not pursuing it right now.
I'll be honest and say I'm glad to know he feels the attraction and would totally be interested in dating at some point. The affirmation that it's not one-sided was a relief (I didn't think it was one-sided, but I didn't know for sure). However, I'm still working on a lot of things through program (and in general), he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, and there's the added stress of 400+ miles distance. But at least we know where we stand, and we talked about how to communicate better if I start to get a little crazy or he needs to pull back some.
We're still the best of friends and we're still going to be in touch. None of that has changed. I have to work on not obsessing about it and not trying to control it and REALLY learning to turn it over to God. I have to trust that if this is something God wants for us, the way will be made clear in due time. I'm embracing the challenge and the journey, and doing the most I can to stay busy, stay in the present moment, stay in CHICAGO mentally and emotionally, and still stay open to any other relationships or dating possibilities that come my way.
I may think I know what's right, but it's not up to me to decide that. It's up to me to be open to GOD deciding that. IN HIS TIME, NOT MINE. And with whatever steps and detours I'm meant to take along the way.
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