It's after 4:30 in the morning and I've been wide awake for almost two hours after sleeping for only three hours previously. I have no idea why that is. Perhaps my body didn't like the caffeinated beverage at 4:30 p.m.? I've had soda after 4:00 before, I didn't think espresso was that much different. I only had a tall size, which is only one shot of espresso. I was falling asleep on the train to the meeting and was sleeping during the meeting at moments. Then on my walk back I seemed to pick up a bit, but still felt tired. But after talking to Audrey and hanging out for a couple hours before she went to bed, I was suddenly wide awake. I stayed up until 11:30, which is weird, especially considering how tired I had been yesterday (today? hard to tell what to call it at this point). And then I woke up to go to the bathroom after tossing and turning and coming out of a dream sleep a little before 3:00 a.m. And rather than toss and turn trying to force myself to go back to sleep, I grabbed the computer and decided to bum around on here. I got my Gmail inbox cleaned out (normally that puts me to sleep... no luck). I planned out some of my Christmas shopping list, though being a very broke student I don't have much to BUY. I had a little snack of Honey Nut Cheerios and chocolate chips (with milk of course) because my stomach was GROWLING and figured if I was up for 90 minutes a middle of the night meal or snack was okay. We burn calories while sleeping anyway, or so I've been told.
So I decided it was time to put "pen to paper" so to speak, and write another entry, this one a bit more personal. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel the need to put it out into the void of cosmic blog-land.
My roommate has this great phrase called "the possibility of the possibility." She uses it primarily in terms of this ongoing "romantic interest that isn't anything more than friendship though there have been a few romantic-type moments the few times we've hung out and we talk every day regularly throughout the day" situation she has with a friend in the Atlanta area. She and I live in Chicago, and she's only met the man a few times. But after spending time together in October, they talked and both were open to "the possibility of the possibility." What this means is they would both be interested in seeing if something progressed further, but neither are in a place (in life, geographically, etc.) to actively pursue something so they're just remaining really good friends knowing this other aspect of the friendship is a possibility they're both open to exploring someday.
I wish I had my roommates self-awareness and ability to be content in that kind of situation. I too have a guy in my life I'd love to explore a romantic possibility with. It's someone I've known for almost half my life. We were friends in high school, and reconnected second semester of freshman year of college, and have been good friends ever since. We know so much about each other, and we can talk about anything. He's someone I rely on for prayers and support with family stuff, encouragement in terms of school and faith formation activities, laughter, comfort, and more. Off and on over the years I've wondered if something could ever exist between us. I remember one specific instance sitting outside on the porch of the town house in Maple Grove I lived in, and we were talking about relationships (we were in college, I don't remember how old, maybe the summer between sophomore and junior year). And it was just a fleeting thing, nothing serious, we both just brushed it off. I think I asked and he kind of brushed it off. There have been other moments when I've wondered... and I've been in various stages of how I felt about it.
It took over a year to get over my ex, and has taken a second full year to get myself back into some semblance of mental health and confidence. Al-Anon has helped a great deal, as has living with a roommate who knows, understands, loves, challenges, supports, encourages, and helps me. We have an amazing friendship and roommate relationship, and I couldn't ask for a better roommate or living situation. I swear that whenever I do enter into a romantic relationship again, or marriage, or whatever, I have an awesome example of what a healthy relationship of ANY sort looks like. We over-communicate, listen, support, encourage, share the chores and daily living tasks, can stand up for ourselves yet also be kind and thoughtful and aware of the other person's needs and feelings. If we disagree we either reach a compromise or agree to disagree. It's wonderful.
She also knows me so well by now, and has walked this first year of Al-Anon with me (as has this guy friend). She knows all about my most recent ex-relationship. When I've talked to her about this boy situation and my friend back home, she gets it. She has met him and totally approves, and she knows where I'm at with being open to a romantic possibility again.
Here's the thing. I don't want to push, I don't want to manipulate, I don't want to rush, I don't want to control, I don't want to try to force my way. I don't know if this is something God wants for me, and I'm trying to be open to his will and not mine. For so long, especially in romantic relationships, I've been the driving force in making it happen or keeping it going. I've initiated every single relationship I've been in, even my high school boyfriend (I asked him to our Sadie Hawkins dance, where girls ask boys, though he did take the next step and ask me to the Winter Formal... but it was when we were hanging out one night after that where I brought up us and we had to talk about whether we were dating or not). With my most recent ex, I recognized a signal that he was attracted to me and interested, and I initiated activities that encouraged it, then he kissed me and we began dating. I also initiated each of the break-ups with that particular ex. I think so much of it was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I was young and immature and didn't know how to handle the seriousness and the intensity of the relationship. I think we were both too young and immature, and I don't think either of us knew what we REALLY wanted, even though we talked very seriously about marriage for a good portion of our relationship and seemed to be on the same page.
The next time I start dating, I don't want to be the one that has to initiate the whole thing. I want to be able to share a mutual attraction, and let the guy take the lead for once. I want to be content waiting, and I want to be content maybe opening the door 85% and being content waiting for him (whoever "he" may be) to come the final 15%. (this is a take on a reference in the movie "Hitch" if anyone has seen it, when he's talking about goodnight kisses). In terms of this one particular guy, I know he's shy. I know he has a hard time being vulnerable, even with me and he's known me for a LONG time. Last Christmas when I casually brought it up, he said it's difficult to start something long-distance (he's back home in Minnesota, and I'm in Chicago). However, I said, "It doesn't sound like you're totally against the possibility/idea." and he must have said something to affirm that because I remember responding, "Well that's all I need to know right now."
Over the course of this past year we've grown closer again, reconnected as friends, talked more regularly than we have in years, he came to visit in August, and even met a few of my girlfriends. In the past month or so, I've become increasingly aware how grateful I am for his presence, increasingly aware of my attraction towards him, and increasingly wishful in regards to us being in the same city or being able to see what could possibly be. But I can't make it be something it's not, and I can't make it be something NOW if it's meant to be something at all.
So I guess what it all boils down to is this... I'm open to a possibility, to "the possibility of a possibility" of a romantic connection and future with a friend I care deeply about. I think he's open to it in some capacity, but we're 400 miles apart, we're both in jobs not related to the career goals we have, and I think in some respects we're both scared. I don't know what I want, and I sure as hell don't know what HE wants. What I DO know is I've got so much more personal work to do before I can really be in a long-term serious relationship. I am just starting my 4th step, which is the "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. After I clear all that garbage away and eventually start making amends, I'll be in a much different place.
Can I be patient and wait for God to give me a clue as to what my future holds romantically? Can I allow him to pick the person who will sweep me off my feet and fight for me? Can I give my will over to God and ask him to give me the trust and faith it will take to not try to fix, manage, and control whatever relationship I have next?
I hope so. I'm certainly going to try.
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