"I make up these stories in my head"

There is a reason I was always good at creative writing. It was because I was great at making up these grand stories in my head, where I had "real" conversations with people that didn't exist (or with people who existed that I had never actually met or been friends with). I would make up these grandiose connections and somehow make myself look and feel important in them - either pitied, or "special", or a "tragic hero" type figure. Whether it was pretending I had an older brother who was sent away when I was five and never heard from again, being officially accepted into the competitive dance lines at my studio and being friends with all of them, or even the normal "daydream turned obsession" about whatever boy I had a crush on at the time, I was great at making up stories.

I laugh, though, because "was" actually means "am." I may not have the same daydreams or storytelling (in my head) about being special or having a unique connection to any particular group. I'm happy to say I have real friends, real groups I belong to, and am more self-confident in my ability to be and keep good friends. However, the "making up stories in my head" business STILL comes into play with regards to boys and relationships. I think I feel this connection with someone, and I start to daydream about what it would be like to date that person, and before you know I've made us soulmates and am obsessed with creating an intimacy and developing a closeness that may or may not have existed before.

Now, this is not to say that closeness and intimacy with these boys does not or cannot exist. I just push it too hard, and I try to force it, and I don't really allow anything natural to develop at all. This is a really ugly pattern, and one I really want to change. However, I know I cannot change it myself (thank God). I also know that I'm not quite in a place or space or mind frame TO change it. My sponsor says it takes time, and she says working through my fourth and fifth and sixth steps will help a lot (4th step being the big one... 5 and 6 are just conversations and prayer... REALLY important conversations and prayer, but not the same amount of writing and internal reflecting that the 4th step entails).

So... I'm going to keep trying to take steps back, try to offer up my obsessive thinking, try to focus on living in the present and using my resources and doing my work and being of service. I'm going to let go of my need to be or have someone be something specific to me right now, or ever. I'm going to focus on changing myself - my own thinking and attitudes and not worrying what might or might not be happening in my life regarding another person. I want to give "...whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise" (Philippians 4:8) the chance to grow and mature and breathe.