Don't Get Lost in the Crowd

When I joined Al-Anon, it was a combination of several factors that drew me to the decision. One, I knew that my part in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was pretty distorted and dysfunctional. I knew I had largely contributed to the relationship not working out, and could even identify some of my character faults. I just didn't know how to change them. Secondly, I recognized them as patterns not only in that relationship but it other friendships and relationships as well. I didn't want to keep being the same person and doing the same things over and over again. Third, I had some awareness and insight that perhaps growing up the child of a recovering alcoholic, the child of divorce, and an ONLY child at that, probably all contributed and played some role. I considered therapy to deal with the divorce and even alcoholism factors, but wasn't sure a therapist would be enough. I had heard of Al-Anon in a passing kind of way, but had never really looked into it for myself. It was when a friend told me, "You know, you rely too much on other people for your happiness" and I replied "I know! And I don't know how to change it!" that I realized I should get help.

After 8 months in the program, I'm not anywhere near a full understanding of myself or my "Al-Anon disease" nor do I have anywhere near a strong enough concept of how to overcome my issues. Hell, I'm still learning some of them! But that awareness is such an incredible journey, and the openness, honesty, and depth with which I'm looking at and talking about myself is life-changing. It sounds dramatic, but the subtly of Al-Anon can turn your life with the click of an "Ah-Ha!" kind of switch. For example, recently I was back in the throes of feeling left out with a group of people I'd wanted to be friends with and had started to develop individual relationships with. After about two weeks of this, I finally figured out why I was feeling that way - it was because I consistently and constantly define myself based on inclusion in a group. What I'm learning is that Al-Anon teaches us not just to focus on things one day at a time, but also to focus on one relationship at a time. I know that sounds so simple, but for someone like me it's not. Even being aware and seeing this pattern with the clarity I see it now is new and life-changing. I could probably have danced around this reality for a long time, seeing parts of the pattern but never seeing the whole picture. Al-Anon helps me see the whole picture, helps me find a sense of self-esteem and personal individuality and identity. It helps me not get lost in the crowd :)