I've had a lot going on and a lot to think about the past few days. I'm working a 6-day stretch for the first time since August in preparation for going home for Christmas. I've had holiday gatherings, early mornings, and of course the occasional challenge staying in the present and remembering all I've learned in the past year.
Monday night I had one of those frustrating ugly moments, and I realized I don't even have to finish my 4th step (though I will) to know what one of my biggest and ugliest character defects is - JEALOUSY. And it's jealousy that exists in my head and is made up in my imagination. It's jealousy derived from trying to fit in with the "cool" kids, the "popular" group, and not appreciating the people who are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE who DO show up for me, love me, support me, and spend time with me. It's jealousy, especially related to stupid boy-relationship stuff, that causes me to get self-deprecating, think I'm not good enough, shut down, cut them off, distrust, and expect people to go away & find someone/something new and better (even if they aren't planning on it or don't even think that way at all). And the ugliest part about this particular instance of jealousy was that it was on the heels of finding out one of the people I was jealous of had JUST found out her uncle had died. What the hell?! What kind of person gets jealous about someone's friendship/relationship with another person (who, yes, is a boy) when she's crying over the loss of a family member? What a freaking eye-opener.
So on the bus ride home I reached out to some friends, not getting in touch with anyone but at least reaching out, to friends who HAVE reciprocated and shown they care about me. I know I have to learn not to rely on other people's approval to feel better, but I don't think this was an exercise in trying to people please. I think this was an exercise in reminding me that God has put people in my life who care and I DO have people in my life who can be and are present to me. When I got home, I vented to my roommate and she was supportive and understanding and encouraging as usual. She nodded her head a lot when I said, "And it's not even about me! It's none of my business! Why do I get so caught up in something that is absolutely none of my concern? It takes away all my energy focusing on something silly and stupid like that."
I knew I had to get up super early this morning so I decided to take a hot bath and use the aromatherapy candle I got as a Christmas gift. As I was praying in the bathtub, I was reminded of Saturday's homily on the 4th Sunday of Advent. I went to Holy Name Cathedral downtown because they had a convenient time after work Saturday. The priest was very conscious that in this busy season it's important to be intentionally reflective, and his homily talked about that. He mentioned visiting another church in a town where he was with family or friends a few weeks back and he was struck by the banners hanging in the church. There were three, and they said "Do not be afraid of silence", "Do not be afraid of yourself", and "Do not be afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do". He then went on to discuss those three ideas and how they follow each other: If you aren't afraid of silence, you get to know yourself better because you're listening more intently and intentionally, and then you become less afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do because you're more in tune with yourself and his request seems less out of the blue (or something to that effect). It was very familiar to what Ignatian Spirituality and Al-Anon have taught me in my prayer and in spiritual life. And the mention of "do not be afraid of silence" reminded me of my word for this year - STILLNESS.
I'm not sure if I've focused on stillness more in the past two months since I received the word or not. I do know that in discussing the past year's "miracles" with my sponsor and sister sponsees last Friday night I did say that I have simplified my life a lot more. I feel like I have less clutter - in terms of obligations, activities, relationships, and material goods. I think I make decisions easier and am able to let go of decisions and unnecessary baggage a lot quicker. So perhaps STILLNESS is creeping into my life in those ways. I am pretty intentional about saying a quick 3-5 minute prayer almost every morning, and I have reminders to pray two other times during the day, just o have that reminder/moment to pause and offer up whatever is going on in the moment to God. I re-center myself and continue on with the day. Some days I really need it, and some days it's just like "Oh! Yeah! I'm having a good day, but thanks for the reminder!"
I also think STILLNESS continues to be an appropriate word for this second year in program because of something my roommate shared Monday when I was venting about this jealousy thing. She said when they were in seminary they joked (only half-jokingly because there's some truth to it) that the reason there are three years in a seminary program is because it represents the Crucifixion, the Tomb, and the Resurrection. She said it's really true because of the personal change and growth you go through when you're in such a spiritually transformative situation like seminary and theological/pastoral studies. I'll paraphrase what I heard, but she said something to the effect of "The Crucifixion hurts, and the tomb is dark, but at the end there's light and lightness." At the end she said, "And like it or not honey, you're in The Tomb this year. And it sucks. But there's hope, and you'll be fine!" She's right - the first year is a year of seeing so much with new perspective and sometimes the change hurts. But the second year you're already changing and you feel like you're in a rhythm, even with its bumps, but you still hit moments of darkness, ugliness, and aloneness. But this is where the STILLNESS comes in. I imagine a tomb would not only be very dark but also VERY quiet. And it's just you and your demons, you and God. But if you allow the silence and stillness to be a time of surrender, then you will find peace.
So my 2011 wish, one of them, will be to surrender my will more, to be more comfortable in the silence and stillness, and to have hope that I'll resurrect from the Tomb IN GOD'S TIME, whatever that time-frame looks like.
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