I've been asked so many times in the past four months if I regret the decision I made to break up with Sully. My mom actually articulated it well - "You're glad you made the decision because you know it was the right one, but you wish you hadn't HAD to make the decision."
I love him and will always love him. Someday I hope I will be able to let go enough not to hurt or be sad when I think about him, not to be jealous thinking about him and whatever girl he's with at the time (even if he's with the same girl he's with right now), and to really move on with my own life. I had been doing well with that during the months of October and most of November. But then my friend Suzette got married, college basketball season started, and the holidays arrived. Memories and sentimentality abound. The next month (or two or three) will be hard. January is always my down month. The past 2-3 years, no matter what I did, I couldn't shake the moody gloomy depression-type melancholy of January. It sucks. February is normally what I get excited for - my birthday, the height of college hoops, etc. Except February is also when Sully's birthday and Valentine's Day occur. And the height of college hoops, which was fun throughout college, was only GREAT the past two years because he and I shared it so intensely.
Once again I am surrounding myself with friends and activities to keep myself occupied and away from my house and my couch, where I would likely spend too much time crying, overthinking, missing him, watching stupid tv, etc. Every time I am reminded of what I don't have (him, his family, his friends that became my friends then weren't any more after we broke up), I have to consciously remind myself of all that i DO have. I have the most amazing friends, many of whom are so supportive of this grieving process I'm just in awe. I have relatively fulfilling work and volunteer activities, though I wish I could delve into some things with a bit more substance (I wish I could afford to...) I have family who loves and supports me too.
Christmas will be sad - there's no getting around it. Last year I cried for Grandma; this year I'll cry for Sully and for Rascal (my 17.5 year old cat that died in September). But the blessing of Advent is that it's a reminder of the joy, peace, and comfort that comes from believing in Christ Jesus and saying yes to his invitation and call. So that's what I'll try to remember to do.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
2009 - Wedding Season has turned into Baby Season!
Well I'll be doggone... As I prepared for my friends Suzette and Nathan's wedding a few weeks back, I was so excited because it was my LAST wedding for a good long while! I have no other weddings scheduled anywhere in the near or distant future - NONE for 2009, and none officially past that! After spending the past two years attending at least 10 weddings, I was ready for the landslide to be OVER.
However, when one good thing ends, theoretically another good thing is just beginning! "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..." Yep, that's right - 2009 has officially become Baby Year! Two of my favorite college couples will be welcoming babies next year, as will two of my coworkers. Added to that, my mom's best friend's son and daughter-in-law will also be expecting their first-born, which for them is a true miracle.
It's a very exciting time of year, and something I have no problem being joyful about! Weddings are wonderful, but after a while they can get redundant. It'll be nice to spoil some brand-new babies in 2009 instead!
However, when one good thing ends, theoretically another good thing is just beginning! "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..." Yep, that's right - 2009 has officially become Baby Year! Two of my favorite college couples will be welcoming babies next year, as will two of my coworkers. Added to that, my mom's best friend's son and daughter-in-law will also be expecting their first-born, which for them is a true miracle.
It's a very exciting time of year, and something I have no problem being joyful about! Weddings are wonderful, but after a while they can get redundant. It'll be nice to spoil some brand-new babies in 2009 instead!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Feeling "OFF" Not Necessarily a Bad Thing!
So I'm someone who does well with acronyms and lists when it comes to memorizing things, organizing a project, and more. I always did better in school when I could "name the four things that..." or "When remembering the important characteristics of goals, think SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely)" for example.
My "Retreat in Daily Life" and my recent experience at Charis Ministries' Seekers' Retreat Day for Women have both provided ample opportunity to use lists and acronyms in my relationship with Jesus, my prayer life, and my overall spirituality. How?
Well for one, I remember that if I'm feeling "OFF", that's not necessarily a bad thing. St. Ignatius tells us in the first principle and foundation of his Spiritual Exercises that we were created by God OF love, FROM love, and FOR love. So if you're feeling a bit blue and start to tell someone you're having an "off" day, use this little trick to turn "off" from a downer into a positive expression of self-love and God-love!
Secondly, one thing that stuck with me from the Women's retreat was a sense of reorganizing our priorities. We used a visual example of priorities that included sand as our menial priorities (i.e. checking the weather or driving directions online), pebbles/small rocks for our important but not necessarily life-giving priorities (i.e. chores, bills, etc.), and big rocks for our big priorities (i.e. work, sleep, God, friends, family, etc.) Now, imagine you/your time were represented by an empty vase. You start with the sand, the small priorities, and fill the vase with ALL the priorities listed above. Eventually you'd run out of room, and some of your big priorities would get neglected. Our challenge is to refocus our priorities and reorganize our time, so that we start with the big priorities, then fill in with pebbles/small rocks, and then sand. Magically, all the same number of priorities fits, it just fits better.
Each of us received a big rock on which we could write a priority or something else that stuck out to us from that talk. (At the end of the day our rocks were blessed.) One of the girls in my small group had mentioned something she had heard once, that our top priorities should be (in this order):
1. Sleep
2. Food
3. Exercise
4. Prayer.
If we don't get enough sleep, we don't feel like eating healthy, exercising, praying, seeing friends, doing work, etc. Our ability to get a good night's sleep really does dictate everything. Food and Exercise are important because they keep our bodies healthy and our minds sharp. For those who are spiritual, prayer/God is next because prayer/God shapes the work you do, the things you think, the words you say, and influences your decisions and relationships with others.
In keeping with my love of lists, I rounded out my new set of priorities with one more:
5. Relationships (friends, family, etc.)
For me, community is extremely important. So after sleep, food, exercise, and prayer comes relationships. It was interesting to me that work was not up there at all - and it's not because work isn't a top priority, but to me it's not (at this point) a defining priority. To me, finding and sustaining meaningful work is a result of my focused attention on myself, my prayer life/God, and my relationships with others.
I was once told that I'm a "deeply spiritual" and "deeply sensitive" person. I've considered religious vocation (still open to it) and am currently interested in pursuing high school campus ministry. Hopefully these "pearls of spiritual wisdom" will help me keep a clear perspective, a balanced lifestyle, and a high level of positive thinking and positive self-talk. Maybe being a deeply spiritual and deeply sensitive child that grew up in an AA household isn't all bad. :-)
My "Retreat in Daily Life" and my recent experience at Charis Ministries' Seekers' Retreat Day for Women have both provided ample opportunity to use lists and acronyms in my relationship with Jesus, my prayer life, and my overall spirituality. How?
Well for one, I remember that if I'm feeling "OFF", that's not necessarily a bad thing. St. Ignatius tells us in the first principle and foundation of his Spiritual Exercises that we were created by God OF love, FROM love, and FOR love. So if you're feeling a bit blue and start to tell someone you're having an "off" day, use this little trick to turn "off" from a downer into a positive expression of self-love and God-love!
Secondly, one thing that stuck with me from the Women's retreat was a sense of reorganizing our priorities. We used a visual example of priorities that included sand as our menial priorities (i.e. checking the weather or driving directions online), pebbles/small rocks for our important but not necessarily life-giving priorities (i.e. chores, bills, etc.), and big rocks for our big priorities (i.e. work, sleep, God, friends, family, etc.) Now, imagine you/your time were represented by an empty vase. You start with the sand, the small priorities, and fill the vase with ALL the priorities listed above. Eventually you'd run out of room, and some of your big priorities would get neglected. Our challenge is to refocus our priorities and reorganize our time, so that we start with the big priorities, then fill in with pebbles/small rocks, and then sand. Magically, all the same number of priorities fits, it just fits better.
Each of us received a big rock on which we could write a priority or something else that stuck out to us from that talk. (At the end of the day our rocks were blessed.) One of the girls in my small group had mentioned something she had heard once, that our top priorities should be (in this order):
1. Sleep
2. Food
3. Exercise
4. Prayer.
If we don't get enough sleep, we don't feel like eating healthy, exercising, praying, seeing friends, doing work, etc. Our ability to get a good night's sleep really does dictate everything. Food and Exercise are important because they keep our bodies healthy and our minds sharp. For those who are spiritual, prayer/God is next because prayer/God shapes the work you do, the things you think, the words you say, and influences your decisions and relationships with others.
In keeping with my love of lists, I rounded out my new set of priorities with one more:
5. Relationships (friends, family, etc.)
For me, community is extremely important. So after sleep, food, exercise, and prayer comes relationships. It was interesting to me that work was not up there at all - and it's not because work isn't a top priority, but to me it's not (at this point) a defining priority. To me, finding and sustaining meaningful work is a result of my focused attention on myself, my prayer life/God, and my relationships with others.
I was once told that I'm a "deeply spiritual" and "deeply sensitive" person. I've considered religious vocation (still open to it) and am currently interested in pursuing high school campus ministry. Hopefully these "pearls of spiritual wisdom" will help me keep a clear perspective, a balanced lifestyle, and a high level of positive thinking and positive self-talk. Maybe being a deeply spiritual and deeply sensitive child that grew up in an AA household isn't all bad. :-)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Self Confidence 101
One thing I've had to learn over the years is this: "Only you can allow someone to make you feel bad about yourself."
Whether it's a friend, a coworker, a parent, or some random stranger, they only have the power to tear you down if you give it to them.
Take, for example, someone who is a close dear friend of you. Say this person is totally passionate about something, and while you understand and appreciate the passion you don't share it with quite the same verocity (actually, you don't really share the passion at all). Sometimes this person expresses the passion to the extent that anyone who doesn't share it may feel like they are a bad person or "wrong." Even if that person actually believes you are wrong for not sharing in their passion (or comes across as though they believe it), only YOU can allow them to make you feel bad for not being just like them. You know that you understand and respect their passion even if you don't share it. And more often that not, you are in awe of, support, and are happy that they have that passion. It just may not be your deal. Everyone has different gifts and talents and passions, and each person should be allowed to be who God has created them to be without feeling guilty for not being something else. And unfortunately, sometimes we have to be the ones to convince ourselves not to feel guilty.
Take another example, someone may correct you for something you've been doing out of habit for years. Even if it takes you by surprise, only YOU can allow it to make you feel like a bad or horrible person when in reality you didn't realize that what you were doing didn't sit right.
Third and final example. Say you were part of a group of friends. This group of friends included two married couples and another single friend. Of the married couples, one had an 11-month old and were expecting child #2 and the other couple was expecting their first child. Both couples and the single friend live out in the suburbs. It is often a challenge for them to visit you (especially since some of them are married with houses and children) or for you to visit them (mainly because you don't have a car). You feel bad because they are important friends to you. And when they all have a chance to get together and you are not able to, due to other social engagements or work, you feel somewhat left out and guilty. THIS IS IN YOUR HEAD. There is no reason for you to feel bad, guilty, or left out. Their friendships are still important to you, and your friendship is still important to them. You may have different priorities right now, but that doesn't make the friendship less important or strong. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.
Anyway, being able to let go of negative comments and negative views of yourself is a hugely important part of being an independent person who is totally dependent on God. God's opinion matters most - if what we do, say, think, and feel are expressions of his love for us and for others - THAT'S the most important thing we can do. After that, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Whether it's a friend, a coworker, a parent, or some random stranger, they only have the power to tear you down if you give it to them.
Take, for example, someone who is a close dear friend of you. Say this person is totally passionate about something, and while you understand and appreciate the passion you don't share it with quite the same verocity (actually, you don't really share the passion at all). Sometimes this person expresses the passion to the extent that anyone who doesn't share it may feel like they are a bad person or "wrong." Even if that person actually believes you are wrong for not sharing in their passion (or comes across as though they believe it), only YOU can allow them to make you feel bad for not being just like them. You know that you understand and respect their passion even if you don't share it. And more often that not, you are in awe of, support, and are happy that they have that passion. It just may not be your deal. Everyone has different gifts and talents and passions, and each person should be allowed to be who God has created them to be without feeling guilty for not being something else. And unfortunately, sometimes we have to be the ones to convince ourselves not to feel guilty.
Take another example, someone may correct you for something you've been doing out of habit for years. Even if it takes you by surprise, only YOU can allow it to make you feel like a bad or horrible person when in reality you didn't realize that what you were doing didn't sit right.
Third and final example. Say you were part of a group of friends. This group of friends included two married couples and another single friend. Of the married couples, one had an 11-month old and were expecting child #2 and the other couple was expecting their first child. Both couples and the single friend live out in the suburbs. It is often a challenge for them to visit you (especially since some of them are married with houses and children) or for you to visit them (mainly because you don't have a car). You feel bad because they are important friends to you. And when they all have a chance to get together and you are not able to, due to other social engagements or work, you feel somewhat left out and guilty. THIS IS IN YOUR HEAD. There is no reason for you to feel bad, guilty, or left out. Their friendships are still important to you, and your friendship is still important to them. You may have different priorities right now, but that doesn't make the friendship less important or strong. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.
Anyway, being able to let go of negative comments and negative views of yourself is a hugely important part of being an independent person who is totally dependent on God. God's opinion matters most - if what we do, say, think, and feel are expressions of his love for us and for others - THAT'S the most important thing we can do. After that, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Post-Election Rememories
I am not a political person. I enjoy the law and find the criminal justice system fascinating. But I hate politics - at least the part of politics that involves backroom deals, selfish egotism, and a complete disregard for what I feel are really important issues (education, health care, poverty, etc).
All that being said, last Tuesday's election of the next president of the United States was pretty unbelievable. I have never been more excited about the democratic process. There was such electricity in the air - the energy was palpable and the excitement was overwhelming. I stood in line for 45 minutes waiting for my turn to vote IN PERSON for the first time ever. You could tell the brief thought of "Why am I standing here waiting in line at 6:45 on a Tuesday morning?" cross most people's minds. But this year, there was an overwhelming sense that each individual's vote was important and each of us COULD and DID make the difference. Barack Obama didn't win by a large number of popular votes, but he won a landslide of electoral votes. The momentum he carried in the younger generation, minority populations, and the other voters who were sick and tired of a stuck-in-the-mud leader who has dug a huge hole that America must now try to get out of.
I'm not 100% for all of Obama's policies. I am Catholic and therefore pro-life, and his views on life issues are not particularly pleasing to me. But in terms of the economy, education, health care, foreign policy, energy - issues that need immediate attention that focuses on long-term solutions - Obama is the one with innovativeness, fresh perspective, creativity, and compassion. He gets it, and I think he will be the one to help give America its dignity, respect, and power back.
All I can say is I've never witnessed anything quite so powerful, inspiring, or moving as last Tuesday night's election results, especially McCain's concession speech and Obama's acceptance speech. For young people like myself and for the many thousands of people who have been oppressed in this country - it was an incredible sign of hope and a true movement towards unity and change.
I really hope the next four years are better than the past eight.
All that being said, last Tuesday's election of the next president of the United States was pretty unbelievable. I have never been more excited about the democratic process. There was such electricity in the air - the energy was palpable and the excitement was overwhelming. I stood in line for 45 minutes waiting for my turn to vote IN PERSON for the first time ever. You could tell the brief thought of "Why am I standing here waiting in line at 6:45 on a Tuesday morning?" cross most people's minds. But this year, there was an overwhelming sense that each individual's vote was important and each of us COULD and DID make the difference. Barack Obama didn't win by a large number of popular votes, but he won a landslide of electoral votes. The momentum he carried in the younger generation, minority populations, and the other voters who were sick and tired of a stuck-in-the-mud leader who has dug a huge hole that America must now try to get out of.
I'm not 100% for all of Obama's policies. I am Catholic and therefore pro-life, and his views on life issues are not particularly pleasing to me. But in terms of the economy, education, health care, foreign policy, energy - issues that need immediate attention that focuses on long-term solutions - Obama is the one with innovativeness, fresh perspective, creativity, and compassion. He gets it, and I think he will be the one to help give America its dignity, respect, and power back.
All I can say is I've never witnessed anything quite so powerful, inspiring, or moving as last Tuesday night's election results, especially McCain's concession speech and Obama's acceptance speech. For young people like myself and for the many thousands of people who have been oppressed in this country - it was an incredible sign of hope and a true movement towards unity and change.
I really hope the next four years are better than the past eight.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Amused by God
I am amused by God. He really does some funny and interesting things in people's lives. For example, he has put this person in my life, and I'm not entirely sure about the reason yet. All I know is I enjoy this person's company quite a bit. Last night we went out to dinner and over two hours went by before we even realized it. The comfort and ease of conversation was so natural and enjoyable. Discussions ranged from our respective parents' divorces, places we've traveled, our feelings on "soulmates," sports, faith, and of course politics. It was fascinating, and the best part was, even if we differed in some opinions, we didn't just write each other off! We are definitely both intrigued by each other, even if we can't quite put our finger on why. Even the 2 pitchers of margaritas and a chilly walk to find an ATM and a cab didn't take away from the fact that it was one of the best nights I've had in a while!
This is on top of the amazing realizations he's given me through my "Retreat in Daily Life" and the book "Eat, Pray, Love" that I finished reading for the second time last weekend. Things like, "You've got control issues, Groceries (a nickname for the author)" and "Stay put - you asked for roots, and a home, and a solid group of friends and I'm giving that to you in Chicago, so why the hell are you thinking of leaving and starting over AGAIN?" and "I'm not a fundraiser, and THAT'S OKAY!" and "God made me in love, of love, for love, and the gifts he's given me make me special, so screw what anyone else thinks!" It's been really empowering to fight this battle inside myself and with God, and to come out on the other side. I'm not a perfect faith-filled person (and never will be), and I know that I am still on a very long and challenging journey. But the space I'm in right now compared to the space I was in 3 months ago is so drastically different it's incredible! So, praise be to God for helping me get there, and blessings to the many friends (new and old) who have helped make it happen too!
This is on top of the amazing realizations he's given me through my "Retreat in Daily Life" and the book "Eat, Pray, Love" that I finished reading for the second time last weekend. Things like, "You've got control issues, Groceries (a nickname for the author)" and "Stay put - you asked for roots, and a home, and a solid group of friends and I'm giving that to you in Chicago, so why the hell are you thinking of leaving and starting over AGAIN?" and "I'm not a fundraiser, and THAT'S OKAY!" and "God made me in love, of love, for love, and the gifts he's given me make me special, so screw what anyone else thinks!" It's been really empowering to fight this battle inside myself and with God, and to come out on the other side. I'm not a perfect faith-filled person (and never will be), and I know that I am still on a very long and challenging journey. But the space I'm in right now compared to the space I was in 3 months ago is so drastically different it's incredible! So, praise be to God for helping me get there, and blessings to the many friends (new and old) who have helped make it happen too!
Monday, November 03, 2008
Listening to God's Call - "Don't be so controlling"
My mom said something to me yesterday that got me thinking. When she asked if she could start calling me again or if I wanted to still be the one to call her, she said "It feels like I'm being controlled, and that's not a good feeling."
Ouch. I mean, in a way she's right. And I've done the same thing to other people, and am currently doing the same thing to Sully. It's that "Hey, come closer, I want to know you or talk to you, but wait, don't get too close, I don't want you to overpower me." It's complete crap, but it's a defense mechanism I have yet to let go of. It's also a defense mechanism I think has become much more present and prevalent since I first broke up with Sully at the end of July (three months... wow).
Part of this "Retreat in Daily Life" includes recognizing God's love for me. We are called to do two things in this life, and two things only - Accept God's love for us, and Share that love with others. Everything we do, think, or say should be reflective of those two concepts. Why is this so hard for us? We have been conditioned to believe that we don't deserve love and that sharing love is a weakness/vulnerability. Well, what's wrong with that? We're not superhumans - it's okay to show a little bit of weakness and vulnerability. Ha. I say that like it's so easy, and I for sure know that it is NOT. Being strong is what we are conditioned to be - crying, mourning, grieving, stumbling, struggling are NOT acceptable characteristics in this Western society. Well, why the hell not? I mean seriously, if we all took the time to actually embrace our weaknesses, we would learn how to make them strengths. By ignoring them and shoving them away, we do ourselves more harm than good in the long run.
So I'm learning anyway. It is certainly not an easy process, and certainly not something that will be over in a quick fix. More insights to come... maybe timely, maybe not. :)
Ouch. I mean, in a way she's right. And I've done the same thing to other people, and am currently doing the same thing to Sully. It's that "Hey, come closer, I want to know you or talk to you, but wait, don't get too close, I don't want you to overpower me." It's complete crap, but it's a defense mechanism I have yet to let go of. It's also a defense mechanism I think has become much more present and prevalent since I first broke up with Sully at the end of July (three months... wow).
Part of this "Retreat in Daily Life" includes recognizing God's love for me. We are called to do two things in this life, and two things only - Accept God's love for us, and Share that love with others. Everything we do, think, or say should be reflective of those two concepts. Why is this so hard for us? We have been conditioned to believe that we don't deserve love and that sharing love is a weakness/vulnerability. Well, what's wrong with that? We're not superhumans - it's okay to show a little bit of weakness and vulnerability. Ha. I say that like it's so easy, and I for sure know that it is NOT. Being strong is what we are conditioned to be - crying, mourning, grieving, stumbling, struggling are NOT acceptable characteristics in this Western society. Well, why the hell not? I mean seriously, if we all took the time to actually embrace our weaknesses, we would learn how to make them strengths. By ignoring them and shoving them away, we do ourselves more harm than good in the long run.
So I'm learning anyway. It is certainly not an easy process, and certainly not something that will be over in a quick fix. More insights to come... maybe timely, maybe not. :)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Which Voices Are You Listening To?
I'm deviating from my norm today. I may go back to just writing regular blog posts, but I also like doing the 4:8 challenge questions every so often. They serve as good reminders for me to focus on the positive aspects of my life and not be so consumed with the negative, the struggles, the challenges. I need all the positive energy I can get - it's been a rough last couple months.
Yesterday I began the 19th Annotation Retreat. In English, this means that I am now taking the Spiritual Exercises (normally a 30-day retreat) in Daily Life. It's a 7-9 month process that involves one hour of prayer daily, one hour of spiritual direction weekly, and one hour of small-group faith sharing weekly. I'm participating in the program through Loyola University, and I'm very excited to see what the year will bring me.
We opened with Mass and a reception yesterday at the Lake Shore campus. Mass was at Madonna della Strada chapel, this absolutely gorgeous building that I have found peaceful and bright. It is definitely a place where you can find God's light, both in the white stone of the interior and the tall airy ceilings. Despite the open space, it is also an intimate gathering area, and has a smaller altar area that is accessible and visible to all who gather for Mass or prayer. Fr. Dave Godleski, the co-coordinator of the retreat, presided over Mass. In his homily he talked about how we all hear different voices in our lives. Some of them lead us to peace and fulfillment in God, and some make us focus on the struggles and the disappointments and drag us down when we should be lifted up. The idea really hit home for me. I used to be full of optimism and cheer (my friends likened me to a Care Bear, an 80s toy I used to be obsessed with and collected). There have been a few events in my life, many of which occurred around my senior year of college, which created in me a feeling of distress, cynicism, frustration, and pain. I don't think I've ever quite gotten over those feelings or events, and I certainly have not rid myself of the cynicism. I know that the person I am today is only partially the real me. The other parts of the real me - the Care Bear parts - have gone into hiding and only peek out occasionally.
I also know that there are voices that keep me afraid and keep me from experiencing life as God intended me to experience it. These voices keep me focused on regrets and "what could have been" thoughts. These voices keep me full of anger and resentment, keep me focused on the struggles and don't allow me to recognize the joys and opportunities. As I read in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" the other day, so much of what we hold on to blocks the door to God's love. If we just get rid of that clutter, there will be space for that door to open and our lives to be filled with so much more hope, opportunity, and love than we can even imagine. It's a scary concept, to be that vulnerable and to be that free and to be that open to the unknown. This may be why so many twentysomethings struggle, and experience a quarterlife crisis. We've been so sheltered and structured for so long. We've received more and more freedom, and when that last tie breaks we are suddenly floundering around in a world we are only somewhat prepared for.
I know that I was not entirely prepared for it, and I have struggled with it. I got a new job and moved to a new city, and was fairly successful in both of those situations. I started a relationship with someone who meant the world to me, but felt from the beginning that I jumped into it not ready for it, even though it was the most real thing I had ever felt and was something I had been waiting for my whole life. However, things didn't stick. My job was extremely challenging and after two years I knew it was time to move on. I love my apartment and the culture and activity of the city, but I also don't quite fit in with the materialistic or social culture of my age group (i.e. I don't like to spend my weekends at the bar or spend tons of money on events). Faith and service, which had been incredibly important to me for many years prior to Chicago, had taken a backseat. I found a young adult ministry based in Ignatian Spirituality and got involved, but it didn't quite satisfy the need. The relationship I was in tended to be rooted in the social culture I wasn't comfortable with and not in the faith/service/arts parts of my true nature. Despite loving him and wanting to spend my life with him, I realized that being my best friend wasn't enough. Ending that relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I also changed jobs, but stayed in a field I wasn't content with. After attending World Youth Day in Australia, I realized that I was missing a large part of my identity. I didn't really know who I was or who I wanted to be. That has defined my journey since July, and I'm no closer to figuring it out than I was then. I've let the voices of self-doubt, questioning, second-guessing, and fear take over and direct my life. Now that I'm starting this retreat, I'm hopeful that the books I'm reading (Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge and the Take and Receive series for the Spiritual Exercises) will help me focus my prayer and my mind on thinking positively and creating my true identity based on what I know and come to learn about myself.
The long and short of it is this - I want to listen to God's voice not Satan's. I hope I am able to tune Satan out and tune God in. I think Day One is going well so far. I will hold on to that thought for today.
Yesterday I began the 19th Annotation Retreat. In English, this means that I am now taking the Spiritual Exercises (normally a 30-day retreat) in Daily Life. It's a 7-9 month process that involves one hour of prayer daily, one hour of spiritual direction weekly, and one hour of small-group faith sharing weekly. I'm participating in the program through Loyola University, and I'm very excited to see what the year will bring me.
We opened with Mass and a reception yesterday at the Lake Shore campus. Mass was at Madonna della Strada chapel, this absolutely gorgeous building that I have found peaceful and bright. It is definitely a place where you can find God's light, both in the white stone of the interior and the tall airy ceilings. Despite the open space, it is also an intimate gathering area, and has a smaller altar area that is accessible and visible to all who gather for Mass or prayer. Fr. Dave Godleski, the co-coordinator of the retreat, presided over Mass. In his homily he talked about how we all hear different voices in our lives. Some of them lead us to peace and fulfillment in God, and some make us focus on the struggles and the disappointments and drag us down when we should be lifted up. The idea really hit home for me. I used to be full of optimism and cheer (my friends likened me to a Care Bear, an 80s toy I used to be obsessed with and collected). There have been a few events in my life, many of which occurred around my senior year of college, which created in me a feeling of distress, cynicism, frustration, and pain. I don't think I've ever quite gotten over those feelings or events, and I certainly have not rid myself of the cynicism. I know that the person I am today is only partially the real me. The other parts of the real me - the Care Bear parts - have gone into hiding and only peek out occasionally.
I also know that there are voices that keep me afraid and keep me from experiencing life as God intended me to experience it. These voices keep me focused on regrets and "what could have been" thoughts. These voices keep me full of anger and resentment, keep me focused on the struggles and don't allow me to recognize the joys and opportunities. As I read in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" the other day, so much of what we hold on to blocks the door to God's love. If we just get rid of that clutter, there will be space for that door to open and our lives to be filled with so much more hope, opportunity, and love than we can even imagine. It's a scary concept, to be that vulnerable and to be that free and to be that open to the unknown. This may be why so many twentysomethings struggle, and experience a quarterlife crisis. We've been so sheltered and structured for so long. We've received more and more freedom, and when that last tie breaks we are suddenly floundering around in a world we are only somewhat prepared for.
I know that I was not entirely prepared for it, and I have struggled with it. I got a new job and moved to a new city, and was fairly successful in both of those situations. I started a relationship with someone who meant the world to me, but felt from the beginning that I jumped into it not ready for it, even though it was the most real thing I had ever felt and was something I had been waiting for my whole life. However, things didn't stick. My job was extremely challenging and after two years I knew it was time to move on. I love my apartment and the culture and activity of the city, but I also don't quite fit in with the materialistic or social culture of my age group (i.e. I don't like to spend my weekends at the bar or spend tons of money on events). Faith and service, which had been incredibly important to me for many years prior to Chicago, had taken a backseat. I found a young adult ministry based in Ignatian Spirituality and got involved, but it didn't quite satisfy the need. The relationship I was in tended to be rooted in the social culture I wasn't comfortable with and not in the faith/service/arts parts of my true nature. Despite loving him and wanting to spend my life with him, I realized that being my best friend wasn't enough. Ending that relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I also changed jobs, but stayed in a field I wasn't content with. After attending World Youth Day in Australia, I realized that I was missing a large part of my identity. I didn't really know who I was or who I wanted to be. That has defined my journey since July, and I'm no closer to figuring it out than I was then. I've let the voices of self-doubt, questioning, second-guessing, and fear take over and direct my life. Now that I'm starting this retreat, I'm hopeful that the books I'm reading (Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge and the Take and Receive series for the Spiritual Exercises) will help me focus my prayer and my mind on thinking positively and creating my true identity based on what I know and come to learn about myself.
The long and short of it is this - I want to listen to God's voice not Satan's. I hope I am able to tune Satan out and tune God in. I think Day One is going well so far. I will hold on to that thought for today.
Monday, June 02, 2008
"Hail Charis, full of Grace"
">Charis means "Grace" and this new job is sure full of it! I love working in an environment that is full of fun-loving people who are genuine, faith-filled, loving, and compassionate. I love working in a faith-based environment that strives to bring young adults closer to God. It's such a refreshing feeling to be working here versus working at a high-stress high-pressure job with "challenging" administrators (nice way to put it... don't want to be too mean or negative here). Anyway, Charis is full of grace, and I am receiving graces and blessings by working there!
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
"When it rains, it pours, it opens doors"
Ironically, while listening to these lyrics from Train's "When I look to the sky" it actually looked like it might rain, and as I was walking from the bus to work it DID start to rain! So it's a gloomy rainy day, which is not exciting, but that's ok because I'm inside and I am in charge of my attitude. I am determined to be positive, organized, and not to let this job transition go to the dogs. Whatever I can do will empower me and will ensure that when I leave things will be under control. It helps having some control or further understanding of my emotions too.
Full refrain from Train's "When I Look to the Sky"
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
Have a great day!
Full refrain from Train's "When I Look to the Sky"
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
Have a great day!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Blessed
Christina Aguilera has this song from her first album called "Blessed" and some of the lyrics include: "I must say, ev'ry day I wake And realize you're by my side I know I'm truly blessed For ev'rything you give me Blessed For all the tenderness you show I'll do my best With ev'ry breath that's in me Blessed To make sure you never go There are times that test your faith 'Til you think you might surrender And, baby, I'm, I'm not ashamed to say That my hopes were growing slender You walked by in the nick of time Looking like an answered prayer I know I'm truly blessed..."
Monday, April 21, 2008
GVVA Retreat = Lotsa Love
This weekend was an amazing experience of God's love and community. I went on retreat in St. Louis with other alumni of the post-graduate volunteer program I did after college. The Gateway Vincentian Volunteers is a program that is now 8 years old, and will have nearly 50 alumni after June 30th. Each year we hold a reunion/retreat and various members of the different years travel back to STL for reflection, community building, relationship sharing, a calling back to our Vincentian roots, and more. It is such a blessing to be part of this group, a group that is truly a family, and to share in our love of St. Vincent and his mission for the poor. We hope that as the family continues to grow we always remember to take time out of the "busy-ness" of life to focus on those things which are most important.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Notice the Good
Thought for the day:
Notice the Good in Others: "The more I develop the habit of noticing goodness and only holding onto the good in others and situations, the more my own sense of well-being will rise."
Notice the Good in Others: "The more I develop the habit of noticing goodness and only holding onto the good in others and situations, the more my own sense of well-being will rise."
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Advent Reflection - December 4
Scripture: Is 11:1-10; Lk 10:21-24
"What is it in children that Jesus loved so much and commended His followers to emulate?"
It’s always amazing to listen to the stories of Jesus related to children. He could be such a stern and forceful man, but with children he was patient, kind, and welcoming. Children did not fear him, and he did not grow angry or stern at them. He loved them for their innocence and their ability to love and believe unconditionally. This is why Jesus wants us to be like children – so we can love and believe in him and his goodness unconditionally.
“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening your Christmas gifts and listen.”
I just love this quote. Love is in the silence just like God is in the silence. Christmas celebrates not only the birth of Jesus but the birth of love into the world. Jesus was the ultimate sign of God’s love for us – he was the beginning and the end and the ultimate sacrifice. Only through such sacrifice could God show us how truly much he loves us! We celebrate the beginning of the journey at Advent and Christmas and we celebrate the end of the earthly journey and beginning of the life-long journey at Lent and Easter.
T.S.Eliot said that information is not knowledge and knowledge is not wisdom. Jesus concurs: “I bless you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for hiding these things from the learned and the clever and revealing them to little children.”
Just because we have all the information does not make us wise. Adults who have “been around, experienced the world, made life choices” in ways that children, youth, and young adults have not are not necessarily more wise than we are. They may be wiser in some ways, but they are not necessarily always right. They will be able to share the knowledge that their experiences gave them, and in that knowledge may be some wisdom and common sense, but it’s not always accurate. (Side note – don’t you think that often wisdom is just common sense explained and put into creative terms?) And it’s amazing that sometimes children can see the truth and the wisdom of things far easier and much more clearly than adults. Their lives are uncomplicated and they grow in love and simplicity all the time, so it’s easier for them to see and share. This is why God treasures little children.
‘Thou, God, seest me’ -- ‘Those words, they do not mean God is always watching you to see what you are doing wrong. They mean he loves you so much that he cannot take his eyes off you’.
God loves us and will never leave us. God watches out for us because: he is excited to share in our good choices, wants to comfort us in our bad choices, and cares enough to always stay with us even when we stray. God does not want to condemn us or tell us all the ways we’re failing. He wants us to be good people, succeed in life, etc. He loves us so much that he gives us the choice to make up our own journey and to follow our own heart and our own path. But he is like a parent – he also loves us enough to never let us leave his sight completely. As long as he can, he will keep an eye on us and be there to help in the blink of an eye if we ask.
May we grow in the wisdom that knows how much God loves us personally, without any conditions or strings attached. May this wisdom be a constant beacon for our journey. Amen.
"What is it in children that Jesus loved so much and commended His followers to emulate?"
It’s always amazing to listen to the stories of Jesus related to children. He could be such a stern and forceful man, but with children he was patient, kind, and welcoming. Children did not fear him, and he did not grow angry or stern at them. He loved them for their innocence and their ability to love and believe unconditionally. This is why Jesus wants us to be like children – so we can love and believe in him and his goodness unconditionally.
“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening your Christmas gifts and listen.”
I just love this quote. Love is in the silence just like God is in the silence. Christmas celebrates not only the birth of Jesus but the birth of love into the world. Jesus was the ultimate sign of God’s love for us – he was the beginning and the end and the ultimate sacrifice. Only through such sacrifice could God show us how truly much he loves us! We celebrate the beginning of the journey at Advent and Christmas and we celebrate the end of the earthly journey and beginning of the life-long journey at Lent and Easter.
T.S.Eliot said that information is not knowledge and knowledge is not wisdom. Jesus concurs: “I bless you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for hiding these things from the learned and the clever and revealing them to little children.”
Just because we have all the information does not make us wise. Adults who have “been around, experienced the world, made life choices” in ways that children, youth, and young adults have not are not necessarily more wise than we are. They may be wiser in some ways, but they are not necessarily always right. They will be able to share the knowledge that their experiences gave them, and in that knowledge may be some wisdom and common sense, but it’s not always accurate. (Side note – don’t you think that often wisdom is just common sense explained and put into creative terms?) And it’s amazing that sometimes children can see the truth and the wisdom of things far easier and much more clearly than adults. Their lives are uncomplicated and they grow in love and simplicity all the time, so it’s easier for them to see and share. This is why God treasures little children.
‘Thou, God, seest me’ -- ‘Those words, they do not mean God is always watching you to see what you are doing wrong. They mean he loves you so much that he cannot take his eyes off you’.
God loves us and will never leave us. God watches out for us because: he is excited to share in our good choices, wants to comfort us in our bad choices, and cares enough to always stay with us even when we stray. God does not want to condemn us or tell us all the ways we’re failing. He wants us to be good people, succeed in life, etc. He loves us so much that he gives us the choice to make up our own journey and to follow our own heart and our own path. But he is like a parent – he also loves us enough to never let us leave his sight completely. As long as he can, he will keep an eye on us and be there to help in the blink of an eye if we ask.
May we grow in the wisdom that knows how much God loves us personally, without any conditions or strings attached. May this wisdom be a constant beacon for our journey. Amen.
Advent Reflection - Dec. 3
Scripture: “And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age. “ – Matthew 28:16-19
‘I will be with you, til the end…” This always reminds me of the “Peace I leave with you, my friends, my friends, and I will be with you to the end.” I absolutely feel like God is always with me. If I think about what life would be like with God’s presence, it’s very dreary and scary. I can’t fathom not believing in God. God and my faith are the benchmarks for everything I do, think, say, and believe. All my actions, all my dreams, the things that make me happy, the things that satisfy me, the things that give me peace, where I find my strength – all of these things come from God and from my faith. Without Him, I would be empty and alone, and I would not have meaning in my life.
The Presence of God: Lord, in this time of Advent preparation I open my heart to hear your voice. May I be open to journey with you and be taken into the deepest parts of myself to discover your will.
I am definitely in tune with this reflection right now. I am very much attuned to what God is calling me to do in my work, my relationships, and my faith. I know God is bringing me to a very defining moment in my life – a fork in the road where I must make a choice between two passions and follow through on it. I know what will make me happiest and what will make my life feel the most fulfilled. But I don’t know if this is my time. I know God has a will and a path for me, and I’m watching and waiting for the right sign to take the right step. “I open my heart to hear your voice, Lord.” Please help me take the steps towards greater fulfillment in you.
Freedom: On this day I take the time to be with you God. By slowing down I begin to give you priority.
I am very happy because I am probably the least stressed I’ve been coming into this season ever. I have most of my Christmas shopping taken care of (planned out if not purchased). I have my schedule all set, I won’t be spending obscene amounts of money on social engagements, and I will get to see almost all of my good friends before or during the holidays. I also actually get a full 12 days off for the holidays, which is super exciting. It’s nice having actual vacation time this year. I am also fully totally in love and am thoroughly enjoying spending the season with my boy, his family, my family, and our friends. It’s such a comfort and a joy to be able to be this happy and share this happiness with other people. It really is a freeing thing.
Consciousness: My mind is full of everything I need to do. Give me the knowledge to know how and where you are working and calling me in my life.
It is a very busy time of the year and if you’re not organized and not on top of all your projects, it’s easy to get stressed out. I know this year I feel the least stressed I’ve felt because I’ve planned ahead and because I’ve been through this season before in this time and place. The money, the social engagements, and the expectations are all reasonably set and being adhered to. However, I have to remain consciously open to God’s will working in new, surprising, and spontaneous ways. He is calling me to something right now, I can feel the anticipation of it in my bones, but I have yet to figure out exactly what it is. So I remain open (keeping the light on for God) and am trying to listen for his call.
The Word: We are called to preach not with words, but by our everyday lives, through action. The greatest gift we have is our time. I pray that I may take the time to be with you, God, so I may learn to give time to others, particularly those in need.
I have been trying to make time for others as well as for myself. I am very sad I did not get to see the STL crowd and sharing my service experiences with them on Saturday. I’m also sad I did not get to go to the Charis Service Day and that the MU Service Day is the day I’ll probably be going to Alogonquin to see Steph and Brian (and maybe new baby?) But, I find that I am serving others and living the Gospel in other ways. I will be at the Advent Day of Prayer on Saturday. I am helping with Charis programming meetings (retreat re-design and overall programming). I am giving of my time to new friends in a social and listening ear environment. Giving to those in need does not always mean giving to those who are poor and marginalized (although certainly their needs must be met as well). I feel like this Christmas my giving to those in need means giving to those friends who need a listening ear, a helping hand, or a sense of sanity.
Conversation: Where do I place my energy each day?
My energy is saved for the evening activities this month. I don’t expend a lot during the school day (as I should) because I have so much going on in the evenings that I don’t want to be burnt out, tired, or cranky by the time the evening comes around. Luckily I feel as though things are fairly under control in the workplace, so I am able to put my thoughts and energies elsewhere. I am however also placing a lot of energy into Charis, Christmas, and possible job changes. These may be misguided energies, but they are what they are. I’m not entirely sure that placing my energy into those things is bad, because I feel like God is leading me somewhere with these energies, but I also need to remember that energy must be used for the present as well as the future. I can’t live in the future – it’s too uncertain. I have to live in the present. That’s hard for me sometimes.
Conclusion: Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. Amen
‘I will be with you, til the end…” This always reminds me of the “Peace I leave with you, my friends, my friends, and I will be with you to the end.” I absolutely feel like God is always with me. If I think about what life would be like with God’s presence, it’s very dreary and scary. I can’t fathom not believing in God. God and my faith are the benchmarks for everything I do, think, say, and believe. All my actions, all my dreams, the things that make me happy, the things that satisfy me, the things that give me peace, where I find my strength – all of these things come from God and from my faith. Without Him, I would be empty and alone, and I would not have meaning in my life.
The Presence of God: Lord, in this time of Advent preparation I open my heart to hear your voice. May I be open to journey with you and be taken into the deepest parts of myself to discover your will.
I am definitely in tune with this reflection right now. I am very much attuned to what God is calling me to do in my work, my relationships, and my faith. I know God is bringing me to a very defining moment in my life – a fork in the road where I must make a choice between two passions and follow through on it. I know what will make me happiest and what will make my life feel the most fulfilled. But I don’t know if this is my time. I know God has a will and a path for me, and I’m watching and waiting for the right sign to take the right step. “I open my heart to hear your voice, Lord.” Please help me take the steps towards greater fulfillment in you.
Freedom: On this day I take the time to be with you God. By slowing down I begin to give you priority.
I am very happy because I am probably the least stressed I’ve been coming into this season ever. I have most of my Christmas shopping taken care of (planned out if not purchased). I have my schedule all set, I won’t be spending obscene amounts of money on social engagements, and I will get to see almost all of my good friends before or during the holidays. I also actually get a full 12 days off for the holidays, which is super exciting. It’s nice having actual vacation time this year. I am also fully totally in love and am thoroughly enjoying spending the season with my boy, his family, my family, and our friends. It’s such a comfort and a joy to be able to be this happy and share this happiness with other people. It really is a freeing thing.
Consciousness: My mind is full of everything I need to do. Give me the knowledge to know how and where you are working and calling me in my life.
It is a very busy time of the year and if you’re not organized and not on top of all your projects, it’s easy to get stressed out. I know this year I feel the least stressed I’ve felt because I’ve planned ahead and because I’ve been through this season before in this time and place. The money, the social engagements, and the expectations are all reasonably set and being adhered to. However, I have to remain consciously open to God’s will working in new, surprising, and spontaneous ways. He is calling me to something right now, I can feel the anticipation of it in my bones, but I have yet to figure out exactly what it is. So I remain open (keeping the light on for God) and am trying to listen for his call.
The Word: We are called to preach not with words, but by our everyday lives, through action. The greatest gift we have is our time. I pray that I may take the time to be with you, God, so I may learn to give time to others, particularly those in need.
I have been trying to make time for others as well as for myself. I am very sad I did not get to see the STL crowd and sharing my service experiences with them on Saturday. I’m also sad I did not get to go to the Charis Service Day and that the MU Service Day is the day I’ll probably be going to Alogonquin to see Steph and Brian (and maybe new baby?) But, I find that I am serving others and living the Gospel in other ways. I will be at the Advent Day of Prayer on Saturday. I am helping with Charis programming meetings (retreat re-design and overall programming). I am giving of my time to new friends in a social and listening ear environment. Giving to those in need does not always mean giving to those who are poor and marginalized (although certainly their needs must be met as well). I feel like this Christmas my giving to those in need means giving to those friends who need a listening ear, a helping hand, or a sense of sanity.
Conversation: Where do I place my energy each day?
My energy is saved for the evening activities this month. I don’t expend a lot during the school day (as I should) because I have so much going on in the evenings that I don’t want to be burnt out, tired, or cranky by the time the evening comes around. Luckily I feel as though things are fairly under control in the workplace, so I am able to put my thoughts and energies elsewhere. I am however also placing a lot of energy into Charis, Christmas, and possible job changes. These may be misguided energies, but they are what they are. I’m not entirely sure that placing my energy into those things is bad, because I feel like God is leading me somewhere with these energies, but I also need to remember that energy must be used for the present as well as the future. I can’t live in the future – it’s too uncertain. I have to live in the present. That’s hard for me sometimes.
Conclusion: Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. Amen
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
It's Time to Move On
When you know, you know.
I am finally ready to move on to a new phase of my life. I am ready to start a find a new job, get a new place to life, and start a new life with a hopefully new spouse. Granted, all of that is still a year or two away, but I am ready. After spring break of next year, I will very likely begin the process of looking for another job. I have no idea when we'll be engaged, but I hope it'll be next year. And I hope that being engaged means that the 08-09 lease on my apartment will be the last one before he and I find a place together.
I am so ready for this. I am ready to move on, towards new friends and new relationships, towards new experiences and new growth, towards developing new talents and new interests, towards a new life.
St. Procopius has been a decent experience all around, and I wouldn't change it because I've learned a lot, but it is not the place for me to stay long-term. It'll be amazing to me that I gave it two full years (well, two full school years anyway). And while I love my apartment quite a bit, I'll be ready to settle down in a house (or condo) with my beloved boy. And while I am enjoying the "just dating" thing, I feel called and ready to be engaged and to be married and to be one part of a whole with a man. I'm ready for the physical, spiritual, and emotional future waiting for me.
I have the ability to be patient, and I will be. Sometimes knowing that change is on the horizon makes it easier to wait and do the best you can until that moment comes. I don't know what will come first, a new job or an engagement ring, but I have no doubt that before 2008 is out I'll be the happy recipient of both!
I am finally ready to move on to a new phase of my life. I am ready to start a find a new job, get a new place to life, and start a new life with a hopefully new spouse. Granted, all of that is still a year or two away, but I am ready. After spring break of next year, I will very likely begin the process of looking for another job. I have no idea when we'll be engaged, but I hope it'll be next year. And I hope that being engaged means that the 08-09 lease on my apartment will be the last one before he and I find a place together.
I am so ready for this. I am ready to move on, towards new friends and new relationships, towards new experiences and new growth, towards developing new talents and new interests, towards a new life.
St. Procopius has been a decent experience all around, and I wouldn't change it because I've learned a lot, but it is not the place for me to stay long-term. It'll be amazing to me that I gave it two full years (well, two full school years anyway). And while I love my apartment quite a bit, I'll be ready to settle down in a house (or condo) with my beloved boy. And while I am enjoying the "just dating" thing, I feel called and ready to be engaged and to be married and to be one part of a whole with a man. I'm ready for the physical, spiritual, and emotional future waiting for me.
I have the ability to be patient, and I will be. Sometimes knowing that change is on the horizon makes it easier to wait and do the best you can until that moment comes. I don't know what will come first, a new job or an engagement ring, but I have no doubt that before 2008 is out I'll be the happy recipient of both!
Monday, August 06, 2007
Not a Front-Man
It's a weakness, a personality flaw, an insecurity, a whatever-you-want-to-call-it. I'm not a front man. My major might have been public relations and I might be good with people, but I'm still not a good front man. I'm good at meeting-and-greeting and I can plan a meet-and-greet session, but the finding people TO meet and greet is NOT my strong suit.
I can't even exactly pinpoint exactly what it is that I'm not good at. I'm a planner by nature, and I'm extremely well-written, well-organized, well-thought out, well-planned, etc. I also am good with people and generally know what to say to make them feel at ease (at least visitors/donors) and how to make them feel welcome. But there's some sort of middle step between the planning/organizing and actually in-person communication that I lack, skip over, don't like to do, am not good at doing, whatever the case may be. And it seems as though I'm not always bad at it and not always adverse to it. If it comes to e-mailing a professor at Marquette to come speak to my Circle K club, I can do that -- I did that. For some reason, though, being here makes it harder. Perhaps it's what I'm asking for or who I have to contact. It's just weird that I have such an aversion to making simple phone calls and going to visit people.
Although I've grown up and matured a lot since moving to Chicago, I also think in some ways I've reverted back to the shy parts of my personality. I'm a lot more introverted than people might think sometimes. Don't ask me to try and understand myself -- it's too complicated. :)
I can't even exactly pinpoint exactly what it is that I'm not good at. I'm a planner by nature, and I'm extremely well-written, well-organized, well-thought out, well-planned, etc. I also am good with people and generally know what to say to make them feel at ease (at least visitors/donors) and how to make them feel welcome. But there's some sort of middle step between the planning/organizing and actually in-person communication that I lack, skip over, don't like to do, am not good at doing, whatever the case may be. And it seems as though I'm not always bad at it and not always adverse to it. If it comes to e-mailing a professor at Marquette to come speak to my Circle K club, I can do that -- I did that. For some reason, though, being here makes it harder. Perhaps it's what I'm asking for or who I have to contact. It's just weird that I have such an aversion to making simple phone calls and going to visit people.
Although I've grown up and matured a lot since moving to Chicago, I also think in some ways I've reverted back to the shy parts of my personality. I'm a lot more introverted than people might think sometimes. Don't ask me to try and understand myself -- it's too complicated. :)
Monday, July 30, 2007
Ramblings
Well I was trying to figure out what subject line to use. Should it be...
"My bus driver's trying to kill me" (reference to my commute this morning)
OR "No wonder young adults don't read the news" (reflection on something I learned last week and noted today)
OR "Resign from the impossible job of trying to keep everyone happy" (a Life's Little Instruction from last week)
OR "Casual Fridays... or not" (reference to Friday's Life's Little Instruction that I read today)
Ok, let me explain.
1) My bus driver this morning drove like a maniac. He just barrelled down Halsted (the street that connects me from my yuppie neighborhood of Lakeview to the Mexican haunts of Pilsen) and would have to slam on the brakes at the stops if someone was there or requested it. He was not cautious at all. He wasn't even running late, so I don't know what his problem was! At times I definitely feared for not only my life but any life that got in his way!!! Luckily, I arrived safe and sound at my stop and had a nice stroll down to the church. But sheesh, could they DRIVE a little bit better? You don't see semi-truck drivers being that reckless, not usually anyway! No wonder people think my bus line is one of the worst in the city. I'm beginning to agree! It really is a little crazy sometimes!
2) Last week I went to a meeting to talk about media relations etc. The presenter was saying that people in our demographic (18-35) don't read or watch the news, and that we "don't really care about the news." Well I definitely fit into that category, which I know is bad because it's good to be informed, but it made me think of the Red Eye advertisements. Red Eye is the FREE daily paper the Chicago Tribune publishes to give people a Cliff Notes version of the news. It also has a lot of pop culture and "stuff to do in Chicago" section. They have an advertising campaign with the tagline "To the Point." The ads have these super short 2-3 word headlines to sum up the content of the paper. So, why don't people our age read or care about the news? Because we can sum it up like those ads: "War continues. Health studies show. Politicians corrupt. Celebrities party. Celebrities marry. Celebrities divorce. Gang violence continues. Murder occurs. Robbery reported. Drugs involved. Someone sent to prison. Sports figure arrested. Sports figure gets bigger salary. Funding cut. Popuation increases. Religions clash. Governments clash." etc. etc. You get the picture. Our generation feels it doesn't need to read the paper because it knows what it's going to see -- variations on these themes and more. No solutions, just reports. Reactivity versus proactivity. It's sort of interesting, isn't it? Anyway, it made me think when I grabbed the Red Eye today. I don't usually read it unless the front page story catches my eye because the news feels like it's the same old stuff every day! Of course, that's not always the case, but you get the point. Kind of depressing, isn't it?
3) I think sometimes we forget that we can't make everyone happy. We feel like we're repsonsible for making sure our boss, significant other, friends, family, strangers on the bus, etc. are happy so as not to cause conflict. We think that if they aren't happy around us, it's because we're doing something wrong. What a load of pressure!!! Good grief! I know I'm guilty of this, but the LLI is true... you can't make everyone happy so you shouldn't overwhelm yourself with trying. I think the goal is to make sure we are each personally happy and that God is happy with our life and our choices. From there we can help others seek or find happiness just by our example. Their happiness should not be our life goal nor should it be a measure of OUR happiness.
4) The LLI quote says "Tell the manager where you bank that you abhor Casual Fridays. Anyone dealing with your money should be dressed in respectful business attire." I read this and immediately thought of my boyfriend in the banking business. When he worked at the bank building, he had to wear a suit and tie every day. Now that he's in more the financial analyst office, he wears business casual every day. They have "casual Fridays" but it doesn't include jeans. I personally don't abhor casual Fridays, and I think if someone is in khakis and a polo versus a business suit, that's ok with me. I guess someone wearing jeans in a bank setting would seem a little strange, but I would not "take my business elsewhere" strictly based on the person's attire.
Random thoughts for the day. Hope you enjoy!
"My bus driver's trying to kill me" (reference to my commute this morning)
OR "No wonder young adults don't read the news" (reflection on something I learned last week and noted today)
OR "Resign from the impossible job of trying to keep everyone happy" (a Life's Little Instruction from last week)
OR "Casual Fridays... or not" (reference to Friday's Life's Little Instruction that I read today)
Ok, let me explain.
1) My bus driver this morning drove like a maniac. He just barrelled down Halsted (the street that connects me from my yuppie neighborhood of Lakeview to the Mexican haunts of Pilsen) and would have to slam on the brakes at the stops if someone was there or requested it. He was not cautious at all. He wasn't even running late, so I don't know what his problem was! At times I definitely feared for not only my life but any life that got in his way!!! Luckily, I arrived safe and sound at my stop and had a nice stroll down to the church. But sheesh, could they DRIVE a little bit better? You don't see semi-truck drivers being that reckless, not usually anyway! No wonder people think my bus line is one of the worst in the city. I'm beginning to agree! It really is a little crazy sometimes!
2) Last week I went to a meeting to talk about media relations etc. The presenter was saying that people in our demographic (18-35) don't read or watch the news, and that we "don't really care about the news." Well I definitely fit into that category, which I know is bad because it's good to be informed, but it made me think of the Red Eye advertisements. Red Eye is the FREE daily paper the Chicago Tribune publishes to give people a Cliff Notes version of the news. It also has a lot of pop culture and "stuff to do in Chicago" section. They have an advertising campaign with the tagline "To the Point." The ads have these super short 2-3 word headlines to sum up the content of the paper. So, why don't people our age read or care about the news? Because we can sum it up like those ads: "War continues. Health studies show. Politicians corrupt. Celebrities party. Celebrities marry. Celebrities divorce. Gang violence continues. Murder occurs. Robbery reported. Drugs involved. Someone sent to prison. Sports figure arrested. Sports figure gets bigger salary. Funding cut. Popuation increases. Religions clash. Governments clash." etc. etc. You get the picture. Our generation feels it doesn't need to read the paper because it knows what it's going to see -- variations on these themes and more. No solutions, just reports. Reactivity versus proactivity. It's sort of interesting, isn't it? Anyway, it made me think when I grabbed the Red Eye today. I don't usually read it unless the front page story catches my eye because the news feels like it's the same old stuff every day! Of course, that's not always the case, but you get the point. Kind of depressing, isn't it?
3) I think sometimes we forget that we can't make everyone happy. We feel like we're repsonsible for making sure our boss, significant other, friends, family, strangers on the bus, etc. are happy so as not to cause conflict. We think that if they aren't happy around us, it's because we're doing something wrong. What a load of pressure!!! Good grief! I know I'm guilty of this, but the LLI is true... you can't make everyone happy so you shouldn't overwhelm yourself with trying. I think the goal is to make sure we are each personally happy and that God is happy with our life and our choices. From there we can help others seek or find happiness just by our example. Their happiness should not be our life goal nor should it be a measure of OUR happiness.
4) The LLI quote says "Tell the manager where you bank that you abhor Casual Fridays. Anyone dealing with your money should be dressed in respectful business attire." I read this and immediately thought of my boyfriend in the banking business. When he worked at the bank building, he had to wear a suit and tie every day. Now that he's in more the financial analyst office, he wears business casual every day. They have "casual Fridays" but it doesn't include jeans. I personally don't abhor casual Fridays, and I think if someone is in khakis and a polo versus a business suit, that's ok with me. I guess someone wearing jeans in a bank setting would seem a little strange, but I would not "take my business elsewhere" strictly based on the person's attire.
Random thoughts for the day. Hope you enjoy!
Friday, July 27, 2007
From death comes new life
One week ago I was saddened by the news that a high school classmate of mine had passed away.
This week I'm in awe and full of joy for the new baby that came into the world yesterday, courtesy of my dear friends Rob and Jeanna.
It's amazing that the cycle of life continues despite our many trials and tribulations, ups and downs, whether we're ready for it or not.
I am so grateful to have their presence in my life, and to have witnessed (in some small way) this miracle.
I pray everyone comes to understand that both death and new birth are part of life, and that we can always count on the cycle continuing, even in our most desparate of days.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Isolation
I don't know what it is, but I have been feeling terribly isolated the past few days.
Last week was rough. One of our school moms might be deported. A high school classmate of mine died suddenly the previous weekend (third in 10 months, second in the past 2 months). The associate pastor at my school went into rehab for alcoholism. We had major storms that caused a power surge in the school, which in effect killed my computer's motherboard, the security cameras, the doorbell system, the internet (which is back), and screwed with the phones (which are now fixed, though a few phones were fried). And finally, I spent the weekend painting my apartment, and the color sometimes looks good and sometimes looks wrong.
I finally cried Saturday morning, but it didn't help much. I was being a pain in the butt to Sully and I knew it but I tried to let it go. Monday I took a personal day because I was overwhelmed and needed a mental break from everything. I worked out ("joined" Bally's with my free 3-month membership finally) and bought Harry Potter #7 (which I haven't started yet because I am finishing another book first). Yesterday I had a decent day at work but felt crowded. Last night I got myself tipsy on 2 glasses of wine and a beer while I did laundry and watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls. Today I woke up and I feel very very isolated and depressed.
I know God would not want me to be depressed and to be honest I can't really figure out why I'm feeling this way. Part of it is there are friends I haven't seen or spoken to in several weeks. Last week I just didn't have time to connect with anyone because of the crazy emotions (and because Mom was in town for the first part of the week). I haven't seen or spoken to friends from Marquette or from Chicago, and that makes me sad. I also can't really complain about my job, except I feel pressured to do things when I don't have the money, and I feel as though Alma (who has great ideas and enthusiasm) will not understand that some parts of my job are in place and have been in place and you can't just come in and change everything! She has also made me aware, not maliciously but by virtue of her example and experience, how ill-prepared I am to serve this minority community. I don't know the language nor do I know the culture. My ideas and vision for a development and recruitment plan are wrapped up in a white middle-class American point of view. I feel as though I can have relationships with our parents as people but I don't know how to market to them or relate to them professionally. I don't hate my job and I don't want to quit, but boy do I feel as though I'm in the wrong place sometimes AND boy does it make me feel awful to think that my gifts and talents are better served in a place where the population is a bit more like me. Is that horrible?
Some people are able to bridge the gap. Some people are meant to be with "their own kind" and serve that way. I always said that the corporate world needs a sense of mission and spirituality just as much as the nonprofit world. Not that I will likely ever work in a truly corporate environment, although there are corporate environments in certain nonprofit settings. I know I will continue to learn a lot this year about marketing to other cultures, but I also know that part of my job is working with my own culture, since sadly we are the ones with the money.
Is this all that's bothering me? I don't know. Things with Sully and I are good, although there are times I don't know how he puts up with me. I feel moody and nit-picky and bossy and I can't seem to figure out how to stop being that way sometimes.
I'm stressed, depressed, isolated, and alone... and I don't quite know how to get out of it. I do pray, which I try to keep doing even though it doesn't necessarily make me feel better. Other than that, I don't know what else to do. I know I wouldn't hurt myself, at least I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to do that. Just because I don't know where my life is going right now doesn't mean that God's given up on my journey. He knows my path and he'll reveal it in due time. I'm not ready to give up yet -- it's far too early to do that. I just have to figure out how to make it through the day and into the next. I'll keep you posted.
Last week was rough. One of our school moms might be deported. A high school classmate of mine died suddenly the previous weekend (third in 10 months, second in the past 2 months). The associate pastor at my school went into rehab for alcoholism. We had major storms that caused a power surge in the school, which in effect killed my computer's motherboard, the security cameras, the doorbell system, the internet (which is back), and screwed with the phones (which are now fixed, though a few phones were fried). And finally, I spent the weekend painting my apartment, and the color sometimes looks good and sometimes looks wrong.
I finally cried Saturday morning, but it didn't help much. I was being a pain in the butt to Sully and I knew it but I tried to let it go. Monday I took a personal day because I was overwhelmed and needed a mental break from everything. I worked out ("joined" Bally's with my free 3-month membership finally) and bought Harry Potter #7 (which I haven't started yet because I am finishing another book first). Yesterday I had a decent day at work but felt crowded. Last night I got myself tipsy on 2 glasses of wine and a beer while I did laundry and watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls. Today I woke up and I feel very very isolated and depressed.
I know God would not want me to be depressed and to be honest I can't really figure out why I'm feeling this way. Part of it is there are friends I haven't seen or spoken to in several weeks. Last week I just didn't have time to connect with anyone because of the crazy emotions (and because Mom was in town for the first part of the week). I haven't seen or spoken to friends from Marquette or from Chicago, and that makes me sad. I also can't really complain about my job, except I feel pressured to do things when I don't have the money, and I feel as though Alma (who has great ideas and enthusiasm) will not understand that some parts of my job are in place and have been in place and you can't just come in and change everything! She has also made me aware, not maliciously but by virtue of her example and experience, how ill-prepared I am to serve this minority community. I don't know the language nor do I know the culture. My ideas and vision for a development and recruitment plan are wrapped up in a white middle-class American point of view. I feel as though I can have relationships with our parents as people but I don't know how to market to them or relate to them professionally. I don't hate my job and I don't want to quit, but boy do I feel as though I'm in the wrong place sometimes AND boy does it make me feel awful to think that my gifts and talents are better served in a place where the population is a bit more like me. Is that horrible?
Some people are able to bridge the gap. Some people are meant to be with "their own kind" and serve that way. I always said that the corporate world needs a sense of mission and spirituality just as much as the nonprofit world. Not that I will likely ever work in a truly corporate environment, although there are corporate environments in certain nonprofit settings. I know I will continue to learn a lot this year about marketing to other cultures, but I also know that part of my job is working with my own culture, since sadly we are the ones with the money.
Is this all that's bothering me? I don't know. Things with Sully and I are good, although there are times I don't know how he puts up with me. I feel moody and nit-picky and bossy and I can't seem to figure out how to stop being that way sometimes.
I'm stressed, depressed, isolated, and alone... and I don't quite know how to get out of it. I do pray, which I try to keep doing even though it doesn't necessarily make me feel better. Other than that, I don't know what else to do. I know I wouldn't hurt myself, at least I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to do that. Just because I don't know where my life is going right now doesn't mean that God's given up on my journey. He knows my path and he'll reveal it in due time. I'm not ready to give up yet -- it's far too early to do that. I just have to figure out how to make it through the day and into the next. I'll keep you posted.
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