My mom said something to me yesterday that got me thinking. When she asked if she could start calling me again or if I wanted to still be the one to call her, she said "It feels like I'm being controlled, and that's not a good feeling."
Ouch. I mean, in a way she's right. And I've done the same thing to other people, and am currently doing the same thing to Sully. It's that "Hey, come closer, I want to know you or talk to you, but wait, don't get too close, I don't want you to overpower me." It's complete crap, but it's a defense mechanism I have yet to let go of. It's also a defense mechanism I think has become much more present and prevalent since I first broke up with Sully at the end of July (three months... wow).
Part of this "Retreat in Daily Life" includes recognizing God's love for me. We are called to do two things in this life, and two things only - Accept God's love for us, and Share that love with others. Everything we do, think, or say should be reflective of those two concepts. Why is this so hard for us? We have been conditioned to believe that we don't deserve love and that sharing love is a weakness/vulnerability. Well, what's wrong with that? We're not superhumans - it's okay to show a little bit of weakness and vulnerability. Ha. I say that like it's so easy, and I for sure know that it is NOT. Being strong is what we are conditioned to be - crying, mourning, grieving, stumbling, struggling are NOT acceptable characteristics in this Western society. Well, why the hell not? I mean seriously, if we all took the time to actually embrace our weaknesses, we would learn how to make them strengths. By ignoring them and shoving them away, we do ourselves more harm than good in the long run.
So I'm learning anyway. It is certainly not an easy process, and certainly not something that will be over in a quick fix. More insights to come... maybe timely, maybe not. :)
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