I'm deviating from my norm today. I may go back to just writing regular blog posts, but I also like doing the 4:8 challenge questions every so often. They serve as good reminders for me to focus on the positive aspects of my life and not be so consumed with the negative, the struggles, the challenges. I need all the positive energy I can get - it's been a rough last couple months.
Yesterday I began the 19th Annotation Retreat. In English, this means that I am now taking the Spiritual Exercises (normally a 30-day retreat) in Daily Life. It's a 7-9 month process that involves one hour of prayer daily, one hour of spiritual direction weekly, and one hour of small-group faith sharing weekly. I'm participating in the program through Loyola University, and I'm very excited to see what the year will bring me.
We opened with Mass and a reception yesterday at the Lake Shore campus. Mass was at Madonna della Strada chapel, this absolutely gorgeous building that I have found peaceful and bright. It is definitely a place where you can find God's light, both in the white stone of the interior and the tall airy ceilings. Despite the open space, it is also an intimate gathering area, and has a smaller altar area that is accessible and visible to all who gather for Mass or prayer. Fr. Dave Godleski, the co-coordinator of the retreat, presided over Mass. In his homily he talked about how we all hear different voices in our lives. Some of them lead us to peace and fulfillment in God, and some make us focus on the struggles and the disappointments and drag us down when we should be lifted up. The idea really hit home for me. I used to be full of optimism and cheer (my friends likened me to a Care Bear, an 80s toy I used to be obsessed with and collected). There have been a few events in my life, many of which occurred around my senior year of college, which created in me a feeling of distress, cynicism, frustration, and pain. I don't think I've ever quite gotten over those feelings or events, and I certainly have not rid myself of the cynicism. I know that the person I am today is only partially the real me. The other parts of the real me - the Care Bear parts - have gone into hiding and only peek out occasionally.
I also know that there are voices that keep me afraid and keep me from experiencing life as God intended me to experience it. These voices keep me focused on regrets and "what could have been" thoughts. These voices keep me full of anger and resentment, keep me focused on the struggles and don't allow me to recognize the joys and opportunities. As I read in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" the other day, so much of what we hold on to blocks the door to God's love. If we just get rid of that clutter, there will be space for that door to open and our lives to be filled with so much more hope, opportunity, and love than we can even imagine. It's a scary concept, to be that vulnerable and to be that free and to be that open to the unknown. This may be why so many twentysomethings struggle, and experience a quarterlife crisis. We've been so sheltered and structured for so long. We've received more and more freedom, and when that last tie breaks we are suddenly floundering around in a world we are only somewhat prepared for.
I know that I was not entirely prepared for it, and I have struggled with it. I got a new job and moved to a new city, and was fairly successful in both of those situations. I started a relationship with someone who meant the world to me, but felt from the beginning that I jumped into it not ready for it, even though it was the most real thing I had ever felt and was something I had been waiting for my whole life. However, things didn't stick. My job was extremely challenging and after two years I knew it was time to move on. I love my apartment and the culture and activity of the city, but I also don't quite fit in with the materialistic or social culture of my age group (i.e. I don't like to spend my weekends at the bar or spend tons of money on events). Faith and service, which had been incredibly important to me for many years prior to Chicago, had taken a backseat. I found a young adult ministry based in Ignatian Spirituality and got involved, but it didn't quite satisfy the need. The relationship I was in tended to be rooted in the social culture I wasn't comfortable with and not in the faith/service/arts parts of my true nature. Despite loving him and wanting to spend my life with him, I realized that being my best friend wasn't enough. Ending that relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I also changed jobs, but stayed in a field I wasn't content with. After attending World Youth Day in Australia, I realized that I was missing a large part of my identity. I didn't really know who I was or who I wanted to be. That has defined my journey since July, and I'm no closer to figuring it out than I was then. I've let the voices of self-doubt, questioning, second-guessing, and fear take over and direct my life. Now that I'm starting this retreat, I'm hopeful that the books I'm reading (Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge and the Take and Receive series for the Spiritual Exercises) will help me focus my prayer and my mind on thinking positively and creating my true identity based on what I know and come to learn about myself.
The long and short of it is this - I want to listen to God's voice not Satan's. I hope I am able to tune Satan out and tune God in. I think Day One is going well so far. I will hold on to that thought for today.
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