Advent Reflection - December 4

Scripture: Is 11:1-10; Lk 10:21-24

"What is it in children that Jesus loved so much and commended His followers to emulate?"

It’s always amazing to listen to the stories of Jesus related to children. He could be such a stern and forceful man, but with children he was patient, kind, and welcoming. Children did not fear him, and he did not grow angry or stern at them. He loved them for their innocence and their ability to love and believe unconditionally. This is why Jesus wants us to be like children – so we can love and believe in him and his goodness unconditionally.

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening your Christmas gifts and listen.”

I just love this quote. Love is in the silence just like God is in the silence. Christmas celebrates not only the birth of Jesus but the birth of love into the world. Jesus was the ultimate sign of God’s love for us – he was the beginning and the end and the ultimate sacrifice. Only through such sacrifice could God show us how truly much he loves us! We celebrate the beginning of the journey at Advent and Christmas and we celebrate the end of the earthly journey and beginning of the life-long journey at Lent and Easter.

T.S.Eliot said that information is not knowledge and knowledge is not wisdom. Jesus concurs: “I bless you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for hiding these things from the learned and the clever and revealing them to little children.”

Just because we have all the information does not make us wise. Adults who have “been around, experienced the world, made life choices” in ways that children, youth, and young adults have not are not necessarily more wise than we are. They may be wiser in some ways, but they are not necessarily always right. They will be able to share the knowledge that their experiences gave them, and in that knowledge may be some wisdom and common sense, but it’s not always accurate. (Side note – don’t you think that often wisdom is just common sense explained and put into creative terms?) And it’s amazing that sometimes children can see the truth and the wisdom of things far easier and much more clearly than adults. Their lives are uncomplicated and they grow in love and simplicity all the time, so it’s easier for them to see and share. This is why God treasures little children.

‘Thou, God, seest me’ -- ‘Those words, they do not mean God is always watching you to see what you are doing wrong. They mean he loves you so much that he cannot take his eyes off you’.

God loves us and will never leave us. God watches out for us because: he is excited to share in our good choices, wants to comfort us in our bad choices, and cares enough to always stay with us even when we stray. God does not want to condemn us or tell us all the ways we’re failing. He wants us to be good people, succeed in life, etc. He loves us so much that he gives us the choice to make up our own journey and to follow our own heart and our own path. But he is like a parent – he also loves us enough to never let us leave his sight completely. As long as he can, he will keep an eye on us and be there to help in the blink of an eye if we ask.

May we grow in the wisdom that knows how much God loves us personally, without any conditions or strings attached. May this wisdom be a constant beacon for our journey. Amen.

Advent Reflection - Dec. 3

Scripture: “And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age. “ – Matthew 28:16-19

‘I will be with you, til the end…” This always reminds me of the “Peace I leave with you, my friends, my friends, and I will be with you to the end.” I absolutely feel like God is always with me. If I think about what life would be like with God’s presence, it’s very dreary and scary. I can’t fathom not believing in God. God and my faith are the benchmarks for everything I do, think, say, and believe. All my actions, all my dreams, the things that make me happy, the things that satisfy me, the things that give me peace, where I find my strength – all of these things come from God and from my faith. Without Him, I would be empty and alone, and I would not have meaning in my life.

The Presence of God: Lord, in this time of Advent preparation I open my heart to hear your voice. May I be open to journey with you and be taken into the deepest parts of myself to discover your will.

I am definitely in tune with this reflection right now. I am very much attuned to what God is calling me to do in my work, my relationships, and my faith. I know God is bringing me to a very defining moment in my life – a fork in the road where I must make a choice between two passions and follow through on it. I know what will make me happiest and what will make my life feel the most fulfilled. But I don’t know if this is my time. I know God has a will and a path for me, and I’m watching and waiting for the right sign to take the right step. “I open my heart to hear your voice, Lord.” Please help me take the steps towards greater fulfillment in you.

Freedom: On this day I take the time to be with you God. By slowing down I begin to give you priority.

I am very happy because I am probably the least stressed I’ve been coming into this season ever. I have most of my Christmas shopping taken care of (planned out if not purchased). I have my schedule all set, I won’t be spending obscene amounts of money on social engagements, and I will get to see almost all of my good friends before or during the holidays. I also actually get a full 12 days off for the holidays, which is super exciting. It’s nice having actual vacation time this year. I am also fully totally in love and am thoroughly enjoying spending the season with my boy, his family, my family, and our friends. It’s such a comfort and a joy to be able to be this happy and share this happiness with other people. It really is a freeing thing.

Consciousness: My mind is full of everything I need to do. Give me the knowledge to know how and where you are working and calling me in my life.

It is a very busy time of the year and if you’re not organized and not on top of all your projects, it’s easy to get stressed out. I know this year I feel the least stressed I’ve felt because I’ve planned ahead and because I’ve been through this season before in this time and place. The money, the social engagements, and the expectations are all reasonably set and being adhered to. However, I have to remain consciously open to God’s will working in new, surprising, and spontaneous ways. He is calling me to something right now, I can feel the anticipation of it in my bones, but I have yet to figure out exactly what it is. So I remain open (keeping the light on for God) and am trying to listen for his call.

The Word: We are called to preach not with words, but by our everyday lives, through action. The greatest gift we have is our time. I pray that I may take the time to be with you, God, so I may learn to give time to others, particularly those in need.

I have been trying to make time for others as well as for myself. I am very sad I did not get to see the STL crowd and sharing my service experiences with them on Saturday. I’m also sad I did not get to go to the Charis Service Day and that the MU Service Day is the day I’ll probably be going to Alogonquin to see Steph and Brian (and maybe new baby?) But, I find that I am serving others and living the Gospel in other ways. I will be at the Advent Day of Prayer on Saturday. I am helping with Charis programming meetings (retreat re-design and overall programming). I am giving of my time to new friends in a social and listening ear environment. Giving to those in need does not always mean giving to those who are poor and marginalized (although certainly their needs must be met as well). I feel like this Christmas my giving to those in need means giving to those friends who need a listening ear, a helping hand, or a sense of sanity.

Conversation: Where do I place my energy each day?

My energy is saved for the evening activities this month. I don’t expend a lot during the school day (as I should) because I have so much going on in the evenings that I don’t want to be burnt out, tired, or cranky by the time the evening comes around. Luckily I feel as though things are fairly under control in the workplace, so I am able to put my thoughts and energies elsewhere. I am however also placing a lot of energy into Charis, Christmas, and possible job changes. These may be misguided energies, but they are what they are. I’m not entirely sure that placing my energy into those things is bad, because I feel like God is leading me somewhere with these energies, but I also need to remember that energy must be used for the present as well as the future. I can’t live in the future – it’s too uncertain. I have to live in the present. That’s hard for me sometimes.

Conclusion: Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. Amen

It's Time to Move On

When you know, you know.

I am finally ready to move on to a new phase of my life. I am ready to start a find a new job, get a new place to life, and start a new life with a hopefully new spouse. Granted, all of that is still a year or two away, but I am ready. After spring break of next year, I will very likely begin the process of looking for another job. I have no idea when we'll be engaged, but I hope it'll be next year. And I hope that being engaged means that the 08-09 lease on my apartment will be the last one before he and I find a place together.

I am so ready for this. I am ready to move on, towards new friends and new relationships, towards new experiences and new growth, towards developing new talents and new interests, towards a new life.

St. Procopius has been a decent experience all around, and I wouldn't change it because I've learned a lot, but it is not the place for me to stay long-term. It'll be amazing to me that I gave it two full years (well, two full school years anyway). And while I love my apartment quite a bit, I'll be ready to settle down in a house (or condo) with my beloved boy. And while I am enjoying the "just dating" thing, I feel called and ready to be engaged and to be married and to be one part of a whole with a man. I'm ready for the physical, spiritual, and emotional future waiting for me.

I have the ability to be patient, and I will be. Sometimes knowing that change is on the horizon makes it easier to wait and do the best you can until that moment comes. I don't know what will come first, a new job or an engagement ring, but I have no doubt that before 2008 is out I'll be the happy recipient of both!

Not a Front-Man

It's a weakness, a personality flaw, an insecurity, a whatever-you-want-to-call-it. I'm not a front man. My major might have been public relations and I might be good with people, but I'm still not a good front man. I'm good at meeting-and-greeting and I can plan a meet-and-greet session, but the finding people TO meet and greet is NOT my strong suit.

I can't even exactly pinpoint exactly what it is that I'm not good at. I'm a planner by nature, and I'm extremely well-written, well-organized, well-thought out, well-planned, etc. I also am good with people and generally know what to say to make them feel at ease (at least visitors/donors) and how to make them feel welcome. But there's some sort of middle step between the planning/organizing and actually in-person communication that I lack, skip over, don't like to do, am not good at doing, whatever the case may be. And it seems as though I'm not always bad at it and not always adverse to it. If it comes to e-mailing a professor at Marquette to come speak to my Circle K club, I can do that -- I did that. For some reason, though, being here makes it harder. Perhaps it's what I'm asking for or who I have to contact. It's just weird that I have such an aversion to making simple phone calls and going to visit people.

Although I've grown up and matured a lot since moving to Chicago, I also think in some ways I've reverted back to the shy parts of my personality. I'm a lot more introverted than people might think sometimes. Don't ask me to try and understand myself -- it's too complicated. :)

Ramblings

Well I was trying to figure out what subject line to use. Should it be...

"My bus driver's trying to kill me" (reference to my commute this morning)
OR "No wonder young adults don't read the news" (reflection on something I learned last week and noted today)
OR "Resign from the impossible job of trying to keep everyone happy" (a Life's Little Instruction from last week)
OR "Casual Fridays... or not" (reference to Friday's Life's Little Instruction that I read today)

Ok, let me explain.

1) My bus driver this morning drove like a maniac. He just barrelled down Halsted (the street that connects me from my yuppie neighborhood of Lakeview to the Mexican haunts of Pilsen) and would have to slam on the brakes at the stops if someone was there or requested it. He was not cautious at all. He wasn't even running late, so I don't know what his problem was! At times I definitely feared for not only my life but any life that got in his way!!! Luckily, I arrived safe and sound at my stop and had a nice stroll down to the church. But sheesh, could they DRIVE a little bit better? You don't see semi-truck drivers being that reckless, not usually anyway! No wonder people think my bus line is one of the worst in the city. I'm beginning to agree! It really is a little crazy sometimes!

2) Last week I went to a meeting to talk about media relations etc. The presenter was saying that people in our demographic (18-35) don't read or watch the news, and that we "don't really care about the news." Well I definitely fit into that category, which I know is bad because it's good to be informed, but it made me think of the Red Eye advertisements. Red Eye is the FREE daily paper the Chicago Tribune publishes to give people a Cliff Notes version of the news. It also has a lot of pop culture and "stuff to do in Chicago" section. They have an advertising campaign with the tagline "To the Point." The ads have these super short 2-3 word headlines to sum up the content of the paper. So, why don't people our age read or care about the news? Because we can sum it up like those ads: "War continues. Health studies show. Politicians corrupt. Celebrities party. Celebrities marry. Celebrities divorce. Gang violence continues. Murder occurs. Robbery reported. Drugs involved. Someone sent to prison. Sports figure arrested. Sports figure gets bigger salary. Funding cut. Popuation increases. Religions clash. Governments clash." etc. etc. You get the picture. Our generation feels it doesn't need to read the paper because it knows what it's going to see -- variations on these themes and more. No solutions, just reports. Reactivity versus proactivity. It's sort of interesting, isn't it? Anyway, it made me think when I grabbed the Red Eye today. I don't usually read it unless the front page story catches my eye because the news feels like it's the same old stuff every day! Of course, that's not always the case, but you get the point. Kind of depressing, isn't it?

3) I think sometimes we forget that we can't make everyone happy. We feel like we're repsonsible for making sure our boss, significant other, friends, family, strangers on the bus, etc. are happy so as not to cause conflict. We think that if they aren't happy around us, it's because we're doing something wrong. What a load of pressure!!! Good grief! I know I'm guilty of this, but the LLI is true... you can't make everyone happy so you shouldn't overwhelm yourself with trying. I think the goal is to make sure we are each personally happy and that God is happy with our life and our choices. From there we can help others seek or find happiness just by our example. Their happiness should not be our life goal nor should it be a measure of OUR happiness.

4) The LLI quote says "Tell the manager where you bank that you abhor Casual Fridays. Anyone dealing with your money should be dressed in respectful business attire." I read this and immediately thought of my boyfriend in the banking business. When he worked at the bank building, he had to wear a suit and tie every day. Now that he's in more the financial analyst office, he wears business casual every day. They have "casual Fridays" but it doesn't include jeans. I personally don't abhor casual Fridays, and I think if someone is in khakis and a polo versus a business suit, that's ok with me. I guess someone wearing jeans in a bank setting would seem a little strange, but I would not "take my business elsewhere" strictly based on the person's attire.

Random thoughts for the day. Hope you enjoy!

From death comes new life

One week ago I was saddened by the news that a high school classmate of mine had passed away.

This week I'm in awe and full of joy for the new baby that came into the world yesterday, courtesy of my dear friends Rob and Jeanna.

It's amazing that the cycle of life continues despite our many trials and tribulations, ups and downs, whether we're ready for it or not.

I am so grateful to have their presence in my life, and to have witnessed (in some small way) this miracle.

I pray everyone comes to understand that both death and new birth are part of life, and that we can always count on the cycle continuing, even in our most desparate of days.

Isolation

I don't know what it is, but I have been feeling terribly isolated the past few days.

Last week was rough. One of our school moms might be deported. A high school classmate of mine died suddenly the previous weekend (third in 10 months, second in the past 2 months). The associate pastor at my school went into rehab for alcoholism. We had major storms that caused a power surge in the school, which in effect killed my computer's motherboard, the security cameras, the doorbell system, the internet (which is back), and screwed with the phones (which are now fixed, though a few phones were fried). And finally, I spent the weekend painting my apartment, and the color sometimes looks good and sometimes looks wrong.

I finally cried Saturday morning, but it didn't help much. I was being a pain in the butt to Sully and I knew it but I tried to let it go. Monday I took a personal day because I was overwhelmed and needed a mental break from everything. I worked out ("joined" Bally's with my free 3-month membership finally) and bought Harry Potter #7 (which I haven't started yet because I am finishing another book first). Yesterday I had a decent day at work but felt crowded. Last night I got myself tipsy on 2 glasses of wine and a beer while I did laundry and watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls. Today I woke up and I feel very very isolated and depressed.

I know God would not want me to be depressed and to be honest I can't really figure out why I'm feeling this way. Part of it is there are friends I haven't seen or spoken to in several weeks. Last week I just didn't have time to connect with anyone because of the crazy emotions (and because Mom was in town for the first part of the week). I haven't seen or spoken to friends from Marquette or from Chicago, and that makes me sad. I also can't really complain about my job, except I feel pressured to do things when I don't have the money, and I feel as though Alma (who has great ideas and enthusiasm) will not understand that some parts of my job are in place and have been in place and you can't just come in and change everything! She has also made me aware, not maliciously but by virtue of her example and experience, how ill-prepared I am to serve this minority community. I don't know the language nor do I know the culture. My ideas and vision for a development and recruitment plan are wrapped up in a white middle-class American point of view. I feel as though I can have relationships with our parents as people but I don't know how to market to them or relate to them professionally. I don't hate my job and I don't want to quit, but boy do I feel as though I'm in the wrong place sometimes AND boy does it make me feel awful to think that my gifts and talents are better served in a place where the population is a bit more like me. Is that horrible?

Some people are able to bridge the gap. Some people are meant to be with "their own kind" and serve that way. I always said that the corporate world needs a sense of mission and spirituality just as much as the nonprofit world. Not that I will likely ever work in a truly corporate environment, although there are corporate environments in certain nonprofit settings. I know I will continue to learn a lot this year about marketing to other cultures, but I also know that part of my job is working with my own culture, since sadly we are the ones with the money.

Is this all that's bothering me? I don't know. Things with Sully and I are good, although there are times I don't know how he puts up with me. I feel moody and nit-picky and bossy and I can't seem to figure out how to stop being that way sometimes.

I'm stressed, depressed, isolated, and alone... and I don't quite know how to get out of it. I do pray, which I try to keep doing even though it doesn't necessarily make me feel better. Other than that, I don't know what else to do. I know I wouldn't hurt myself, at least I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense to me to do that. Just because I don't know where my life is going right now doesn't mean that God's given up on my journey. He knows my path and he'll reveal it in due time. I'm not ready to give up yet -- it's far too early to do that. I just have to figure out how to make it through the day and into the next. I'll keep you posted.

Bri and Sully

It's been a long journey, but we are back together and we are better than ever!

We started dating in late October, broke up after three weeks, got back together (gradual process, by December 1st), broke up in mid-late January, then spent almost 3 months working through a LOT of stuff before we were able to acknowledge that we love each other and we want to work through the rest together. It's been amazing ever since.

The big issues were many-fold:
1) physical intimacy and the role faith/religion plays in the physical;
2) getting settled into a new city and new living environment with a new job and new responsibilities and new challenges making/keeping friends;
3) facing fears and what was motivating the fears (residual hurt and low self-confidence on some levels from previous relationships).

Most of it was stuff I had to work on myself, because most of it I didn't really think about or realize until after the break up (#1 I knew about for sure on some level, #2 to some extent but not as much as #1, and #3 not at all until much later). The last break up in January HAD to happen in order for me to deal with some of these issues and begin exploring them in a way that I was able to articulate.

Luckily, Sully loves me and was able to be patient and supportive, despite some rather unpleasant moments we've had. Valentine’s Day was AWFUL. Not only was it a day based on romance on which we happened to have Marquette basketball tickets, but he was miserably sick and we had some major transportation issues. Needless to say, that was NOT our finest hour. Nor was the Marquette/Pittsburgh weekend in Milwaukee. Oh lord, that is something I hope to NEVER repeat. Sully and I were just at each other’s throats the whole weekend, for real reason other than it was awkward being with the ex. I was able to get along fine with his friends and his sister, but the two of us needed to be kept FAR apart. That was awful too.

However, I had written him a letter attempting to explain some things back in February and he was able to be extremely sweet and supportive when my grandma died (yea, she died. I’m now an orphan grandchild, no living grandparents remaining. It’s REALLY sad, and I miss her SO FREAKING MUCH. Anyway, that's another story). Sully and I were able to finally talk about the letter and us some when we went down to St. Louis for Katie B’s wedding. We left it at, yes we care about each other but we’re not sure we’re ready for or interested in dating again. We decided to just keep having open and honest communication.

On Holy Thursday I went to Mass with Sully and Suzette. I had had a really interesting conversation with my spiritual director earlier than week about being too hard on myself and learning to love myself and learning to let go of the hurt/anger of this previous relationship, something I had never let myself do before. Among many things, these themes were things I was processing. Well Sully and I talked for about 3 hours Thursday night, then Suzette and I talked for 3 hours Friday night. I decided to do this journal/scrapbook exercise taking all the pictures of me and my ex and scrapbooking them, then writing a letter in the blank spaces.

Easter Sunday I spent with Sully's family on the southside. It was wonderful to see his parents and sister (who's been like a little sister to me), and it was nice to see his aunt and grandma again. His cousin's 4-year old son Austin and I really hit it off too, which was fun (I love kids). It was amazing to see the look on Sully's face when he saw me with Austin... it looked like I just melted his heart, and he said "I didn't realize how good you were with kids!" It was nice to see that and have that. Anyway, after dinner Sully drove me home. I had decided I wanted to burn the scrapbook pages, and do it with him, so we did that together when we got home. I had also recorded myself reading the the letter part so I played it while we burned it. We talked for a little bit, kissed a little bit, and ended up acknowledging that we love each other and yes we want to work through the rest of life's challenges together.

We're both extremely happy right now. We've talked long-term (marriage, kids, money, careers) and we're looking forward to many road trips and adventures and dates and long conversations together!

Chi-town Dinners

I always wanted to be part of something like this. Chi-Town Dinners is a group of people who meet every other week at a different restaurant. There are probably like 40 people on the list, but every week is a different selection of 6-16 people! The premise behind forming the group was twofold -- one, to bring together multiple sets of friends for social networking; and two, to explore the MANY dining experiences Chicago has to offer!

It has been a really fun adventure, and it's a guarantee social event on the calendar every other week! People have been taking turns picking the place, and it's cool to see what new place people come up with. We've had Mexican, Italian, Indian, Thai, a neighborhood pub, and more. Eventually, obviously, we're going to have to start repeating types, but that's totally ok! The only requirements are the restaurant has to be CTA accessible (public transportation) since very few of us have cars and there has to be menu options under $10 since many of us are relatively "poor." Obviously not POOR if we're going out to dinner every other week, but relatively speaking we don't have loads of money to spend on dining out food.

The best part about it, besides the exploration, is the forming of new friendships. AND it's a totally neutral way to get to know new people, coworkers, or random people you've met at other events. Invite them to Chi-Town Dinners, and it's a totally fun experience and they can chat with you and with other people! No pressure to get along splendidly! It would actually be an ideal "early date" option, as it would be a group date versus a one-on-one date (which sometimes intimidates people). Plus you can learn a lot about a person in a social/group setting!

I love Chi-Town Dinners. As the group grows and changes, I hope we can keep this up!

The Power of Thank You's

Never underestimate the power of thank you's and kind words.

This is something I've learned throughout the course of my life, from my father and mother respectively hounding me to write thank you's to my relatives for Christmas or birthday gifts or checks (once I got older anyway) to the insistence by people in my profession that "Thank you's go a long way towards building positive donor relationships." I've learned it first-hand -- you would not believe how touched people are to get a hand-written thank you card, even if it's just a few sentences long saying "What you did meant a lot, it helped me do this, and for you I'm grateful." I will ALWAYS be a believer in thank yous, even if it's the most mundane thing ever or you have a few hundred of them to write!

Kind words go the same way. There's this book called "The Five Love Languages" and it talks about the five ways in which people feel loved and express love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, and Physical Touch. It's primarily meant as a book for couples (particularly married couples) but some of the concepts relate to all relationships. I've learned that I don't particularly need words of affirmation in my friendships and romantic relationships to know I'm loved and cared for -- with them, I often need quality time and thoughtful acts/gestures (combination gift/service). However, at work I desparately need words of affirmation. I'm not as confident in my abilities and I want to please people more, so their words of affirmation are a lot more important. People thanking me for helping with a project or telling me that I did a great job with some event or expressing their gratitude for how personable I am… those are the things I need to hear at work. People don’t nice things for me or giving me things isn’t as necessary, and HELLO we work together so “quality time” is not an issue. It’s the conversations and relationships built that way that mean the most. This is why I go out of my way to say thank you when someone helps me, to express gratitude over someone’s friendship, or to make conversation with those people who have done/said kind things to me. This is just one example of how easy it is to make things better through the simple act of acknowledging others through thanks, kindness, and conversation.

Prayer

From November 16th --

"Lord, help me not to be afraid, and help me to know your truth. Bless us and our friendship, and should you desire us to be together in a way stronger than friendship please guide our hearts and help us to go at it together, as partners. Help us to love each other or whomever you desire us to love. Help us to love you and desire to know you more as you bless our lives in rich and unending ways. Take care of our families and watch over our friends, and please bring to us to life and happiness together in you."

Amen.

Oh My Pete -- I'm Glad I'm Not a Teacher

Our K-2 English teacher is out of town today (for a court date) and tomorrow (for a wedding her husband is in this weekend). They couldn't find a substitute for today, so I (blindly) offered to give the teachers a 30 minute break so they could eat lunch. BAD IDEA. Well, not a bad idea in theory. The teachers deserve a break, and they need to eat lunch. However, the horror stories I've heard about these classes were nothing compared to actually being in there. Kindergarten at least was having naptime, so I only had to deal with a feq squirmy kids who were talking to themselves and moving around while the others tried to sleep. However, first and second grade were awful. The boys in both grades are extremely disrespectful -- they don't listen to authority. They don't respond to The Look, sending them to their seats, harsh tones of voice, or threats of being sent to the Principal or peer pressure to be better than the other grade. I don't have anything to bribe them with, and the way they were acting I wouldn't bribe them anyway (nor would they respond). Everything I've ever seen teachers do didn't work for me with these kids. It was horrible. There were three first grade boys that would not stop talking and would not stop making fun of a couple of the girls (one of whom starting kicking and hitting at one of the boys). The second grade boys were sneaking candy (I made them throw it away if I caught them) and were constantly moving and touching each other (and making inappropriate remarks and motions). I had heard from Erica what a handful they are, and how awful they were... I just hadn't quite witnessed it myself. The thing is, they usually behave for visitors reasonably well, but for me (maybe because they see me around and I don't act like a teacher/authority figure) they would NOT settle down. The second grade was so calm and quiet when I went in there, but then they all went crazy, and then when Veronica came back in it was quiet again. NUTS. I feel like I've been through a marathon.

As much as it was crazy and I was glad to get out of those classrooms, it was a nice break from sitting at my computer doing my usual work and thinking about things I can't control and things I have a tendency to overanalyze. One of the kindergarteners today looked so sad when she was lying on her mat trying to take a nap. It felt like she almost wanted to cry, and I totally understood. For some reason I feel like I'm not quite holding it together as much as I'd like or in the way I thought. I screwed up, but with God's grade I can move on. It's just very hard, and confusing. Oh well, I have to deal with it eventually.

My dear friend Karen wrote this wonderful email to me yesterday. I had to re-read it today because I didn't quite understand it the first time I read it (in passing) yesterday, but it had some great thoughts about love and relationships. She's right though, about there being no problem with being "tied down" because that means we have people we love in our life. There was more to it than that, but the gist was that being tied down does not always have to mean a negative thing, and there is not necessarily an age limit on knowing whether or not you've met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I am really looking forward to this long weekend. I don't care what I do, because I know I have a few things going on, like doing Senior Bingo with YPC on Saturday afternoon, going to the School Yard Saturday night with Marquette peeps, going to Our Lady of Mt. Carmel for the second week in a row for Mass, and sleeping in on Monday. Whatever else fills in the time, I'm excited for that too. Even if Sully and I end up doing something for his birthday Monday afternoon/evening.

I love you all, even though I doubt many people even read this. It's just nice to know the void is out there, "listening" to my ramblings. Pray for me, if you pray, and know I think of you often.

Defying Gravity

The following are lyrics from "Defying Gravity" a song from the musical Wicked. Sully and I saw this show this past Friday night as my birthday present from him. I cried three times during the show, and this was one of the songs I cried during. The other one was the song "For Good" which I've also included. It's amazing how the arts can really relate to your life at times -- that's what I love about live theater. Each day and week I am gaining more clarity and understanding. I feel like I am growing up so much in these months since moving to Chicago, but there are times I also feel still so young and naive. I hope someday the maturing I've done and the naivete I feel will balance each other out, and I'll be able to be that person I want and hope to be! Until then, I'm working on defying gravity ;)

DEFYING GRAVITY

Something has changed within me * Something is not the same * I'm through with playing by the rules * Of someone else's game * Too late for second-guessing * Too late to go back to sleep * It's time to trust my instincts * Close my eyes and leap * It's time to try * Defying gravity * I think I'll try * Defying gravity * And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits * 'Cuz someone says they're so * Some things I cannot change * But 'till I try, I'll never know * Too long I've been afraid of * Losing love - I guess I have lost * Well, if that's love * It comes at much too high a cost * I'd sooner buy * Defying gravity * Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity * And you can't pull me down

So if you care to find me * Look to the western sky * As someone told me lately * Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly * And if I'm flying solo * At least I'm flying free * To those who'd ground me * Take a message back from me * Tell them how I * Am defying gravity! * I'm flying high * Defying gravity!

FOR GOOD

I've heard it said * That people come into our lives for a reason * Bringing something we must learn * And we are led * To those who help us most to grow * If we let them * And we help them in return * Well, I don't know if I believe that's true * But I know I'm who I am today * Because I knew you

It well may be * That we will never meet again * In this lifetime * So let me say before we part * So much of me * Is made of what I learned from you * You'll be with me * Like a handprint on my heart * And now whatever way our stories end * I know you have re-written mine * By being my friend...

Who can say if I've been * Changed for the better? * I do believe I have been * Changed for the better * Because I knew you... * I have been changed for good.

Shift in the Wind

This weekend was wonderful. We had a great time hanging out, spending time with my family, my/our friends, and each other. I know it was hard, but for the most part it felt like we were still the same old Marquette buddies. That is, until Sunday night, when I could tell he was pulling back and he admitted it had been a tough weekend. For some reason, that and the fact that we were headed "back to reality" and the city where we dated & broke up made me get crazy sad. I cried in the bathroom (twice) and during a good portion of the flight back to Chicago (apparently he didn't notice, which is weird).

Sully is someone with whom I'm completely comfortable. I have never been more myself than I am with him, but I also feel like when I was with him as "his girlfriend" I wasn't the self I thought I was or wanted to be. I don't know how to make that make sense. It's like we are different people when we're city dwellers with real professional jobs versus who we were together as friends in college or friends going through volunteer experiences last year. It's not that I didn't like who I was when I was with him, but I didn't recognize the person I was changing into.

February 6, 2007
Now that we're just friends, I feel like I'm me again. They say that when you love someone, that person makes you want to be a better person and you feel like you are so much of who you are and could be when you are with him/her. I didn't quite feel that way with Sully. In fact, I didn't really feel that way at all.

It's all very disheartening. I want to love him and fall in love with him, because he's so much my match! He has really set the bar high -- whoever I end up with will be based on this relationship, because in Sully I found so much of what I want in a life partner. I just didn't have the warmth, the spark, the zing. I know sometimes that can develop, but there's got to at least be a glimmer before it can turn into a full-fledged fire. I thought there was a glimmer but there wasn't. I wish there was - Lord I wish there was. But God has not seen fit to put us together in that way, and I have to accept. More, SULLY has to accept that.

I think this may be harder and more awkward than he is ready or willing to admit. My birthday celebration was somewhat awkward, and now I'm nervous about going to see "Wicked" with him on Friday -- what a great birthday present, and I'm excited to see it with him, but every ounce of my being is back to the "Just Friends" and the "Close Prayer Partner/Marquette Buddy" part of our friendship/relationship, but I have to be even more careful about not leading him on in other ways. It's like I have to step WAY back in order for him to heal, which makes it harder for ME to heal. How am I supposed to be just his friend when I can't even act like the friend I want and need to be?

This is all rambling and ridiculous -- Just pray for us, because Lord knows we need it. I know we'll be fine, but it definitely is going to take some time.

This Sucks

Even though I know I did the right thing, it still sucks. It sucks because he is having a really hard time with it, and I don't know if he'll ever get over it. He was falling so hard for me, and as he said, "...this is a lot harder than I expected. When you are paranoid about something for 2.5 months and you finally get to the place where you let your guard down, it really sucks to have that paranoia come to fruition. This weekend will be hard as well, but it needs to happen...we both know that."

I'm so grateful he still wants to go this weekend... not only because of the financial reasons ($300+ for two tickets) which are small potatoes compared to the other more important reason of him and I needing to spend time together to reassure ourselves that the friendship is there and is intact and will *hopefully* remain intact.

I wish I loved him. You have no idea how badly I wish I loved him. He's the perfect boyfriend in every way, and in a lot of respects he would have (eventually) made an excellent spouse. But, there was no passion for him, and eventually that would have killed the relationship. As it is, I was realizing that now and that's why I ended it. I wish it didn't suck so much, for either of us, but it did. He thinks it'll take a month or two, but if Greg & I are any indication it could easily take a year or more. I just hope that even if it does take that long that Sully and I are still able to maintain our friendship. I would hate for either of us to lose a 2+ year friendship that has obviously meant so much to both of us because we tried dating and it didn't work out.

Ironically enough (God moment?), the book I'm reading had something to say that exactly encompasses what I'm feeling. I read this passage this morning and wanted to share. So, to quote Nicholas Sparks in "True Believers":

"...she wanted to meet the right guy first, someone who inspired her, the kind of guy she would be proud to call her man. This was where she and Doris differed. Doris seemed to think that a decent, moral man with a good job was all a woman should reasonably expect. And maybe in the past, those were all the qualities that someone could expect. But Lexie didn't want to settle for someone simply because he was kind and decent and had a good job. Who knows-- maybe she had unrealistic expectations, but Lexie wanted to feel passion for him as well. No matter how kind or responsible a man was, if she didn't feel any passion, she couldn't help but think that she'd be "settling" for someone, and she didn't want to settle. That wouldn't be fair to her and it wouldn't be fair to him. She wanted a man who was both sensitive and kind, but at the same time could sweep her off her feet. She wanted someone who would offer to rub her feet after a long day at the library, but also challenge her intellectually. Someone romantic, of course, the kind of guy who would buy her flowers for no reason at all.

It wasn't too much to ask, was it?

According to [magazines], it was. In those magazines, it seemed every article stated that it was completely up to the woman to keep the excitement alive in a relationship. But wasn't a relationship supposed to be just that? A relationship? Both partners doing everything they could to keep the other satisfied?"

It goes on, but the gist is passion (and mutual passion) is important. If he falls for me but I don't fall for him, both of us are going to be dissatisfied in the relationship. Sully is everything I want in a guy, except for the passion. And maybe the passion can grow, but I don't want to hurt him or be unfair to him by pretending to care for him that way when I just am not feeling it. And it is not his fault in the least -- he's romantic, sensitive, communicates well, is honest and hardworking, kind, etc. I just don't have the physical attraction and passion piece. Yes I think he's cute and attractive, but I've discovered I just don't think of him in that way. I haven't really been able to the whole time. At times I thought I did/could, but it didn't last. I always felt like a fraud. I just couldn't wrap my head around being a couple with him with other people -- by ourselves we were fine, but with friends it just never felt quite right. I hate that I felt that way, but I did. Mom asked me if it was because I was scared and I said, "Not this time." The first time around, yes I think I was scared. This time, we gave it a fair shake and it just wasn't working out for me. I know he loves me, and I hate hate hate that I had to break his heart especially because I know it will make it really awkward between us... I still don't regret dating him. Even if our friendship suffers, I don't regret dating him, because I know we were meant to. I hope and pray that our friendship withstands this test, because I value him and his friendship more than a lot of people's, and I know my friendship means a lot to him as well. I pray God guides our hearts towards healing and understanding. The fact that he's coming to MN and said what he said about coming to Minnesota (that we need it and we both know it) shows an incredible strength of character. I give him mad props for being willing to go through with it.

The rest of it, we'll just take one day and event at a time. Pray for us.

Time for a Fresh Start

Oh goodness, what a week. And it's only 11:15 on Tuesday morning!

Last night I broke up with Sully, again. Yes, again. You know, I tried and I really thought on some level I cared about him in that way, but I realized that I don't and it's been stressing me out trying to figure out whether to keep this up or not. Luckily he said he could kind of see it coming so he wasn't 100% surprised. That doesn't make it suck any less for him, since he had really developed some deep feelings for me. He's just not the right one for me. He's definitely the most compatible guy I've ever dated (and sadly my shortest relationship to date), but we're much better off being just friends. And we will be able to be just friends. We spent two years cultivating a really good lasting friendship, and I don't think either of us plans on letting go of that any time soon. But, as Sully said, "I will need a little time to get over my feelings, but look forward to getting to work on that this weekend in MN. It will take some time (one-two month range I suppose) to get things back to normal, but I assure you it will happen." I'm really glad he's so committed to maintaining the friendship and working our way back to normal. I think we both know this friendship is too important and too strong to let this relationship and break-up affect in for the long haul.

I know it was the right thing to do because I feel at peace with it. This morning I was fighting back tears and got freaked out thinking he wouldn't want to do any of the things we have planned for the next several weeks (our trip to MN this weekend, my birthday, the Marquette/DePaul game, his birthday, the Marquette/Pitt game, Katie Balek's wedding...) but I'm hoping (and I think, if I know him at all) that he'll realize it's important to do those things together still, because the more we act like we're still friends the better we'll be able to stay friends. If we avoid hanging out and talking to each other, that just makes it worse. Andrea's right though, I do have to set boundaries. I'm not really worried about Sully thinking there's still a chance. He knows I don't feel the same way towards him, and if he saw this coming then he knows. He knows and he'll gradually be able to accept and move on. I know there is someone out there for each of us, and I'm excited for us to share in each other's lives and happiness down the road (because believe me it's not going to happen any time soon).

He was a great boyfriend -- thoughtful, courteous, planner, romantic, liked surprising, was good at communication and compromise -- if I had even a slight spark or attraction or whatever, it'd be perfect. But the emotional piece is there just not the spark/chemistry. And the spark/chemistry is important. The lack of it was making me think the emotional part wasn't what it should be. I miss my old friendship with Sully. He thinks we're better now, and to some extent we are because we know each other better and have been able to support each other in more ongoing ways. However, I miss the part of our relationship where we met once a week and that was our special time, where we talked candidly about anything in our life during that time because there was a high level of trust and companionship and comfort. I miss being able to talk faith and service with him. I miss that I felt challenged and stimulated in our conversations and interactions -- I feel like I haven't had that with him in a while.

I'm looking forward to working our way back towards just a really good friendship. I have, however, really learned my lesson about dating someone I've been friends with that long. Unless I'm absolutely certain there's a spark of chemistry there, it's not a good idea. I have this sneaking suspicion G has a thing for me, and God I hope he doesn't ever try to pursue it. That's what I said when I first thought Sully might like me -- "God, I hope not!" It's just not a good idea. It's like with this job, when I got the job offer, I was like "Oh shit, NOW what do I do?!" If it doesn't hit me as right or something I'm really excited about or interested in, it probably isn't meant to be. However, I learned a lot dating Sully and I'm glad we did. Same with this job -- I'm learning a lot and (eventually) I'll be glad I took it. However, neither are lasting careers/relationships.

I'm glad about this break up too because I think I'm finally ready to explore Chicago and make it my own. I think dating Sully was keeping me from really branching out the way I feel I need and want to. I was spending a lot of time with him and in a lot of ways he was "the only good thing" in my life. So many of my friendships are changing because of marriages and moving and careers, but I don't have anything in Chicago to hang on to except those changing friendships. I need to make a life for myself, that INCLUDES my past but doesn't EXCLUDE a future (if that makes sense). I want GVV and Marquette to be part of my life in Chicago, but I don't want it to be ALL of my life. I'm ready to branch out and try some things. This is sort of how I felt sophomore year of college after that emotionally rocky and rough freshman year and summer. At least this time the emotionally rough aspects of life aren't quite as battering, brutal, painful, or scarring as freshman year's were. Thank the goooooood lord for that.

Anyway, it's time I finished this entry for now and stopped procrastinating my work. I've been doing random things as I write this, but it's time to really hunker down and be productive. I hope everyone has a good and happy Tuesday, and may God be part of your life today!

2007 -- A year of change

2007 is only 11 days old, and already there are major shifts occuring, esp. in the realm of friendships.

One old high school buddy apologized for his purposeful absence over the past couple years and stated a hope that we could be in touch and become friends again. To which I replied, "OF COURSE!"

Another high school buddy who I once thought would be my maid-of-honor emailed and asked me not to be in touch anymore, that I put guilt trips on her for not being in better touch with me. While that may or may not be true, the fact is that she never emails or calls, and when I let her know I'm going to be in town for a week or a month and she makes no effort to hang out or even call to say she can't hang out or call just to say hi, that tells me that our friendship isn't important to her. Oh well, at least she was able to air her feelings and I was able to air mine, and we can just let it go. But it is sad nonetheless. (The best part is these two emails occured within 3-4 days of each other).

My GVV housemates are all doing their own thing -- I haven't talked to Suzette since before Christmas, and I'm not sure when I'll see her or Christy next. Clare and I have chatted a few times, and I will hopefully get to see her when she comes up to Chicago in a week. Erica and I will hopefully chat this weekend. Annie and Nelson are, well, Annie and Nelson. Nelson did stop by the GVV house when I was down there in December, but sadly our paths didn't cross. It meant a lot that he tried though! I still talk to various STL people off and on -- Jim & Geri sometimes, Eric, Betsy, Maureen, Ali, Monica, Sr. Jackie -- even got an email from Bro. Dave Berning this week! It's just interesting that something that was so intensely part of my life last year has become a more passive part of my life.

My college friends are continually becoming a larger and larger part of my life. Things are settling down now after the holidays and wedding #2, and the next wedding I have isn't until March. I will be able to spend more time with Steph and Brian, Dan and Mal, and Katie Rock once everyone gets back into town. Sully and I are doing fantastically well, and I have been able to meet some of his friends and spend some time with his sister/parents/family. We enjoy doing things together and his planning nature means we actually get to DO things as well as just be spontaneous and say "We're hanging out this night, what do we want to do?"

Work is work -- I had a mini break-down last week but this week is going better. Today is a big day, though, and if tonight doesn't go well I will have to search serious personal resevoirs to not get discouraged or overwhelmed. I am worried about sponsorships for Adelante, and I'm worried about recruitment. Tonight is a meeting for parents and staff to discuss recruiting ideas and how people can get involved. I hope that people come, and that I have someone who can help translate b/w Spanish and English, and that we get a good volunteer base. If not, I will at least feel like I tried and can attempt to do the things I want to do, just by myself. At least I will feel like I asked, right? And I will keep asking. I keep remembering the rule -- you'll get the highest response (on average) to any solicitation after the third try.

Well, that's enough reflection on 2007 and today. It's time to get to work. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

"Thanks for being you!"

That's always an awesome sentiment to hear, especially from one's boyfriend.

Of course, it's also nice when it comes from a long-lost friend who admits to being a jerk and overreacting and shutting you out for no real valid reason.

Both of those happened this week, which has really helped put my mind in good spirits.

Can I just say how awesome it is that I have a boyfriend who I can talk to and tell just about ANYTHING to? We had a serious discussion about alcohol use this weekend and it could have taken an ugly personal vendetta-type turn, but it didn't. It was a really sweet moment just curled up watching some random movie with him rubbing my back and us talking about the wedding reception we had just returned from, my discomfort of our dear friend Mike's drinking/behavior, and how we both have very different backgrounds/ideas about drinking. The thing with us, is we can talk openly with each other and not feel like we're being attacked. He very astutely said that he felt he was being yelled at for Mike's behavior, and although that's true to some extent, I also felt that I had some valid concerns about drinking behaviors/habits in general. We were just trying to understand each other, and it was wonderful to be able to do that without pressure or negativity. Neither of us wants to hurt the other or the relationship, so we're going to be honest and communicate but we'll also not just ignore things.

He's so damn cute. He sends the sweetest emails every day, and he even called me at 3am this morning because he fell asleep before we had a chance to talk last night and we make it a point to talk every day. I must have subconsciously known it was him because I didn't even bat an eye when I felt my phone vibrate and glanced at the clock. I just assumed it was him, and I was able to say hi and good night. He also is going to extremes to plan my birthday which is a really nice change from feeling like no one cares about or has time for my birthday (I personally believe people are allowed to be selfish one day out of the year -- their birthdays). We both want to meet each other's family and friends, and we're both trying to respect alone time, friends time, and each other time. Overall, this is a really healthy relationship.

Our good friends Dan and Mal got married this past weekend. That marks wedding #2, but definitely the more fun of the two weddings I've been two in the past two months. Not that Steph and Brian's wasn't fun but I was exhausted (physically and emotionally) and I just couldn't enjoy it the same way I did Dan & Mal's. Plus I've known Dan and Mal a lot longer than Steph & Brian, and at least know them as a couple better than I know Steph & Brian as a couple. It was awesome to see Dan and Mal finally commit to each other after 5 years together. They will make a wonderful couple and family.

This weekend was also wonderful because Sunday evening a good friend from high school who had estranged himself from me over the past year and a half finally came to his senses and emailed an apology to me. The past is in the past, and I am so happy that he emailed. I hope he and I are able to talk soon because I very much miss his friendship and would like to be part of his and his fiancee's life again. Prayer really does work sometimes, even when it seems to take an awfully long time!

One final bit of fun news, or at least something to make you (or me) laugh. Last year at this time I was about to embark on the January retreat with my housemates followed by an overnight excursion with Pat & Bro. Dave to type up the Christmas Program Binder. During that overnight excursion was the "24" premiere. And the best part? I got Bro. Dave hooked at "24" as much as he HATED to admit it! It was awesome. So this weekend I get an email from him saying, "Do you know what's happening next Sunday and Monday night? Maybe if you don't have cable TV you can get your special friend to watch it with you at his place. Maybe you can corrupt him like you did me." Haha, the thing is, Sully already likes "24", but it was quite entertaining anyway. At least for me. You sort of have to know Bro. Dave to fully appreciate this "24" addiction.

Have to go back to work -- Have a great day!

PS: My uncle donated $200 to the school I work at -- how unexpectedly awesome and generous family can be sometimes!

Love y'all.