Connecting the Dots

A very merry Christmas to everyone who is out there, reading blogs and sharing in pieces of each other's lives - stranger or friend.

Last night at Christmas Eve Mass at St. Vincent DePaul Parish in Osseo, Minnesota, I enjoyed a multitude of Christmas carols in the midst of a beautiful service that included many tears after Communion and a poignant message during the homily.

Fr. Jack Long, who is one of my favorite preachers, presided over the Mass. The Gospel reading was interspersed with different Christmas carols, and Fr. Jack spoke during the homily about connecting the dots. In many ways, it was a commentary on how interconnected our lives are with each other, and how everything and every person has a purpose in God's greater plan. All the Old Testament folks - Abraham, Sarah, Moses, Aaron, Miriam, David, Saul, the prophets, Job, and countless others were another piece of the puzzle regarding God's plan and a representation of his love for the world and its people. When Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem, part of the picture came into focus, with a whole other picture just beginning.

It is also true in our lives. People and events represent different dots, different turning points in our paths. Each interaction changes us and sets us on a new version of the path we are on. It's amazing to watch over the course of even a few days or weeks (much less a few months or years) how our life takes shape. What I am doing with my life today - the job I have, the job/grad school options I am considering, the relationship I left behind in July, the relationships and friendships I seek out now - all of these things can be traced back to events in my childhood, in high school, in college, and beyond. I can look back now and see the influences, see that "if not for that person or that thing or that event, I would not be who, what, and where I am today."

I know that my journey is constant - it will never be over. Each day and year is a new adventure. Sometimes I wish I had a bit more consistency, that my life could be a bit more stable, that my heart and my ability to love unconditionally were a bit more open. But I know that those are goals for my life, and that my life is taking the shape it needs to take. I can't know for sure where I'm going or what will happen next, but I can continue shaping my life in the ways I think help make the world a better place, spread God's love a little bit farther, and help me find the true happiness I know is out there for me.

That doesn't mean it won't be hard. Look at all the dots in Jesus' background - in Christianity's history. They certainly did not have easy lives or simple roads. We all have our crosses to bear. Right now, mine is a continued search for healing and reconciliation, and a continued mending of my broken heart. Someday, I pray to God I will get there. I will keep trying, and I will keep walking down the path I'm on looking for the next open doors, the next signs, the next invitation to love. Someday, in time, love will heal it all.

A Funny Way of Answering Prayers

I used the same phrase for the article I wrote in Company Magazine about my adventures in Australia for World Youth Day. And the phrase is just as appropriate today as it was in July!

A mere 36 hours after I ended a 4-day stretch of intense grieving and sadness and questioning, I had the opportunity to gather together with coworkers and friends to celebrate the holiday season. I forced myself into the holiday spirit... and God did not disappoint! I met a great guy named Nick, and we talked for over three hours at LG's party. He's different from me in so many ways, and different from any other guy I've been interested in before. He's so laidback and easygoing, which would normally drive the type-A personality in me nuts. But after being in a relationship that was so scheduled, so intense, and so combative (for lack of a better word), it's really nice to be interested in someone who just lives life one day at a time, doesn't stress too much about the future, doesn't plan months in advance (as far as I know), and has both intellect and faith that I find appealing. We've gone out once, and talked on the phone a few times. I'm enjoying whatever it is that's going on, and for once I'm not stressing about where it will go (if anywhere). Whatever happens, happens. It's a blessing to have that kind of peace, confidence, and contentment.

Yesterday I received the sacrament of Reconciliation for Advent. Recent reflections during this Retreat in Daily Life have helped me realize that sin is a rejection of God's love. I've spent a goodly amount of time praying about my sinfulness and prayerfully reflecting on my life and the ways in which I through my words, actions, silence, and inactions have rejected God's love. Specific instances with friends, families, significant others, coworkers, and myself have all surfaced. It was a true blessing to realize the grace of the sacrament, to acknowledge those areas of fault in my life, and to realize that I'm already forgiven and have a clean slate. I am excited to start 2009 with said clean slate! It's especially wonderful to have it at the beginning of this "relationship" (or whatever it might be) and to have it going into holiday time with my family and old friends.

The snow came down fast and heavy yesterday - a beautiful wonderland of fluffy white goodness, 4 inches deep. I found it breathtaking and peaceful. I pray that same peace and joy finds each of you this holiday season and into the new year!

Holiday Blahs

I've been asked so many times in the past four months if I regret the decision I made to break up with Sully. My mom actually articulated it well - "You're glad you made the decision because you know it was the right one, but you wish you hadn't HAD to make the decision."

I love him and will always love him. Someday I hope I will be able to let go enough not to hurt or be sad when I think about him, not to be jealous thinking about him and whatever girl he's with at the time (even if he's with the same girl he's with right now), and to really move on with my own life. I had been doing well with that during the months of October and most of November. But then my friend Suzette got married, college basketball season started, and the holidays arrived. Memories and sentimentality abound. The next month (or two or three) will be hard. January is always my down month. The past 2-3 years, no matter what I did, I couldn't shake the moody gloomy depression-type melancholy of January. It sucks. February is normally what I get excited for - my birthday, the height of college hoops, etc. Except February is also when Sully's birthday and Valentine's Day occur. And the height of college hoops, which was fun throughout college, was only GREAT the past two years because he and I shared it so intensely.

Once again I am surrounding myself with friends and activities to keep myself occupied and away from my house and my couch, where I would likely spend too much time crying, overthinking, missing him, watching stupid tv, etc. Every time I am reminded of what I don't have (him, his family, his friends that became my friends then weren't any more after we broke up), I have to consciously remind myself of all that i DO have. I have the most amazing friends, many of whom are so supportive of this grieving process I'm just in awe. I have relatively fulfilling work and volunteer activities, though I wish I could delve into some things with a bit more substance (I wish I could afford to...) I have family who loves and supports me too.

Christmas will be sad - there's no getting around it. Last year I cried for Grandma; this year I'll cry for Sully and for Rascal (my 17.5 year old cat that died in September). But the blessing of Advent is that it's a reminder of the joy, peace, and comfort that comes from believing in Christ Jesus and saying yes to his invitation and call. So that's what I'll try to remember to do.

2009 - Wedding Season has turned into Baby Season!

Well I'll be doggone... As I prepared for my friends Suzette and Nathan's wedding a few weeks back, I was so excited because it was my LAST wedding for a good long while! I have no other weddings scheduled anywhere in the near or distant future - NONE for 2009, and none officially past that! After spending the past two years attending at least 10 weddings, I was ready for the landslide to be OVER.

However, when one good thing ends, theoretically another good thing is just beginning! "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..." Yep, that's right - 2009 has officially become Baby Year! Two of my favorite college couples will be welcoming babies next year, as will two of my coworkers. Added to that, my mom's best friend's son and daughter-in-law will also be expecting their first-born, which for them is a true miracle.

It's a very exciting time of year, and something I have no problem being joyful about! Weddings are wonderful, but after a while they can get redundant. It'll be nice to spoil some brand-new babies in 2009 instead!

Feeling "OFF" Not Necessarily a Bad Thing!

So I'm someone who does well with acronyms and lists when it comes to memorizing things, organizing a project, and more. I always did better in school when I could "name the four things that..." or "When remembering the important characteristics of goals, think SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely)" for example.

My "Retreat in Daily Life" and my recent experience at Charis Ministries' Seekers' Retreat Day for Women have both provided ample opportunity to use lists and acronyms in my relationship with Jesus, my prayer life, and my overall spirituality. How?

Well for one, I remember that if I'm feeling "OFF", that's not necessarily a bad thing. St. Ignatius tells us in the first principle and foundation of his Spiritual Exercises that we were created by God OF love, FROM love, and FOR love. So if you're feeling a bit blue and start to tell someone you're having an "off" day, use this little trick to turn "off" from a downer into a positive expression of self-love and God-love!

Secondly, one thing that stuck with me from the Women's retreat was a sense of reorganizing our priorities. We used a visual example of priorities that included sand as our menial priorities (i.e. checking the weather or driving directions online), pebbles/small rocks for our important but not necessarily life-giving priorities (i.e. chores, bills, etc.), and big rocks for our big priorities (i.e. work, sleep, God, friends, family, etc.) Now, imagine you/your time were represented by an empty vase. You start with the sand, the small priorities, and fill the vase with ALL the priorities listed above. Eventually you'd run out of room, and some of your big priorities would get neglected. Our challenge is to refocus our priorities and reorganize our time, so that we start with the big priorities, then fill in with pebbles/small rocks, and then sand. Magically, all the same number of priorities fits, it just fits better.

Each of us received a big rock on which we could write a priority or something else that stuck out to us from that talk. (At the end of the day our rocks were blessed.) One of the girls in my small group had mentioned something she had heard once, that our top priorities should be (in this order):
1. Sleep
2. Food
3. Exercise
4. Prayer.

If we don't get enough sleep, we don't feel like eating healthy, exercising, praying, seeing friends, doing work, etc. Our ability to get a good night's sleep really does dictate everything. Food and Exercise are important because they keep our bodies healthy and our minds sharp. For those who are spiritual, prayer/God is next because prayer/God shapes the work you do, the things you think, the words you say, and influences your decisions and relationships with others.

In keeping with my love of lists, I rounded out my new set of priorities with one more:
5. Relationships (friends, family, etc.)

For me, community is extremely important. So after sleep, food, exercise, and prayer comes relationships. It was interesting to me that work was not up there at all - and it's not because work isn't a top priority, but to me it's not (at this point) a defining priority. To me, finding and sustaining meaningful work is a result of my focused attention on myself, my prayer life/God, and my relationships with others.

I was once told that I'm a "deeply spiritual" and "deeply sensitive" person. I've considered religious vocation (still open to it) and am currently interested in pursuing high school campus ministry. Hopefully these "pearls of spiritual wisdom" will help me keep a clear perspective, a balanced lifestyle, and a high level of positive thinking and positive self-talk. Maybe being a deeply spiritual and deeply sensitive child that grew up in an AA household isn't all bad. :-)

Self Confidence 101

One thing I've had to learn over the years is this: "Only you can allow someone to make you feel bad about yourself."

Whether it's a friend, a coworker, a parent, or some random stranger, they only have the power to tear you down if you give it to them.

Take, for example, someone who is a close dear friend of you. Say this person is totally passionate about something, and while you understand and appreciate the passion you don't share it with quite the same verocity (actually, you don't really share the passion at all). Sometimes this person expresses the passion to the extent that anyone who doesn't share it may feel like they are a bad person or "wrong." Even if that person actually believes you are wrong for not sharing in their passion (or comes across as though they believe it), only YOU can allow them to make you feel bad for not being just like them. You know that you understand and respect their passion even if you don't share it. And more often that not, you are in awe of, support, and are happy that they have that passion. It just may not be your deal. Everyone has different gifts and talents and passions, and each person should be allowed to be who God has created them to be without feeling guilty for not being something else. And unfortunately, sometimes we have to be the ones to convince ourselves not to feel guilty.

Take another example, someone may correct you for something you've been doing out of habit for years. Even if it takes you by surprise, only YOU can allow it to make you feel like a bad or horrible person when in reality you didn't realize that what you were doing didn't sit right.

Third and final example. Say you were part of a group of friends. This group of friends included two married couples and another single friend. Of the married couples, one had an 11-month old and were expecting child #2 and the other couple was expecting their first child. Both couples and the single friend live out in the suburbs. It is often a challenge for them to visit you (especially since some of them are married with houses and children) or for you to visit them (mainly because you don't have a car). You feel bad because they are important friends to you. And when they all have a chance to get together and you are not able to, due to other social engagements or work, you feel somewhat left out and guilty. THIS IS IN YOUR HEAD. There is no reason for you to feel bad, guilty, or left out. Their friendships are still important to you, and your friendship is still important to them. You may have different priorities right now, but that doesn't make the friendship less important or strong. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.

Anyway, being able to let go of negative comments and negative views of yourself is a hugely important part of being an independent person who is totally dependent on God. God's opinion matters most - if what we do, say, think, and feel are expressions of his love for us and for others - THAT'S the most important thing we can do. After that, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Post-Election Rememories

I am not a political person. I enjoy the law and find the criminal justice system fascinating. But I hate politics - at least the part of politics that involves backroom deals, selfish egotism, and a complete disregard for what I feel are really important issues (education, health care, poverty, etc).

All that being said, last Tuesday's election of the next president of the United States was pretty unbelievable. I have never been more excited about the democratic process. There was such electricity in the air - the energy was palpable and the excitement was overwhelming. I stood in line for 45 minutes waiting for my turn to vote IN PERSON for the first time ever. You could tell the brief thought of "Why am I standing here waiting in line at 6:45 on a Tuesday morning?" cross most people's minds. But this year, there was an overwhelming sense that each individual's vote was important and each of us COULD and DID make the difference. Barack Obama didn't win by a large number of popular votes, but he won a landslide of electoral votes. The momentum he carried in the younger generation, minority populations, and the other voters who were sick and tired of a stuck-in-the-mud leader who has dug a huge hole that America must now try to get out of.

I'm not 100% for all of Obama's policies. I am Catholic and therefore pro-life, and his views on life issues are not particularly pleasing to me. But in terms of the economy, education, health care, foreign policy, energy - issues that need immediate attention that focuses on long-term solutions - Obama is the one with innovativeness, fresh perspective, creativity, and compassion. He gets it, and I think he will be the one to help give America its dignity, respect, and power back.

All I can say is I've never witnessed anything quite so powerful, inspiring, or moving as last Tuesday night's election results, especially McCain's concession speech and Obama's acceptance speech. For young people like myself and for the many thousands of people who have been oppressed in this country - it was an incredible sign of hope and a true movement towards unity and change.

I really hope the next four years are better than the past eight.

Amused by God

I am amused by God. He really does some funny and interesting things in people's lives. For example, he has put this person in my life, and I'm not entirely sure about the reason yet. All I know is I enjoy this person's company quite a bit. Last night we went out to dinner and over two hours went by before we even realized it. The comfort and ease of conversation was so natural and enjoyable. Discussions ranged from our respective parents' divorces, places we've traveled, our feelings on "soulmates," sports, faith, and of course politics. It was fascinating, and the best part was, even if we differed in some opinions, we didn't just write each other off! We are definitely both intrigued by each other, even if we can't quite put our finger on why. Even the 2 pitchers of margaritas and a chilly walk to find an ATM and a cab didn't take away from the fact that it was one of the best nights I've had in a while!

This is on top of the amazing realizations he's given me through my "Retreat in Daily Life" and the book "Eat, Pray, Love" that I finished reading for the second time last weekend. Things like, "You've got control issues, Groceries (a nickname for the author)" and "Stay put - you asked for roots, and a home, and a solid group of friends and I'm giving that to you in Chicago, so why the hell are you thinking of leaving and starting over AGAIN?" and "I'm not a fundraiser, and THAT'S OKAY!" and "God made me in love, of love, for love, and the gifts he's given me make me special, so screw what anyone else thinks!" It's been really empowering to fight this battle inside myself and with God, and to come out on the other side. I'm not a perfect faith-filled person (and never will be), and I know that I am still on a very long and challenging journey. But the space I'm in right now compared to the space I was in 3 months ago is so drastically different it's incredible! So, praise be to God for helping me get there, and blessings to the many friends (new and old) who have helped make it happen too!

Listening to God's Call - "Don't be so controlling"

My mom said something to me yesterday that got me thinking. When she asked if she could start calling me again or if I wanted to still be the one to call her, she said "It feels like I'm being controlled, and that's not a good feeling."

Ouch. I mean, in a way she's right. And I've done the same thing to other people, and am currently doing the same thing to Sully. It's that "Hey, come closer, I want to know you or talk to you, but wait, don't get too close, I don't want you to overpower me." It's complete crap, but it's a defense mechanism I have yet to let go of. It's also a defense mechanism I think has become much more present and prevalent since I first broke up with Sully at the end of July (three months... wow).

Part of this "Retreat in Daily Life" includes recognizing God's love for me. We are called to do two things in this life, and two things only - Accept God's love for us, and Share that love with others. Everything we do, think, or say should be reflective of those two concepts. Why is this so hard for us? We have been conditioned to believe that we don't deserve love and that sharing love is a weakness/vulnerability. Well, what's wrong with that? We're not superhumans - it's okay to show a little bit of weakness and vulnerability. Ha. I say that like it's so easy, and I for sure know that it is NOT. Being strong is what we are conditioned to be - crying, mourning, grieving, stumbling, struggling are NOT acceptable characteristics in this Western society. Well, why the hell not? I mean seriously, if we all took the time to actually embrace our weaknesses, we would learn how to make them strengths. By ignoring them and shoving them away, we do ourselves more harm than good in the long run.

So I'm learning anyway. It is certainly not an easy process, and certainly not something that will be over in a quick fix. More insights to come... maybe timely, maybe not. :)

Which Voices Are You Listening To?

I'm deviating from my norm today. I may go back to just writing regular blog posts, but I also like doing the 4:8 challenge questions every so often. They serve as good reminders for me to focus on the positive aspects of my life and not be so consumed with the negative, the struggles, the challenges. I need all the positive energy I can get - it's been a rough last couple months.

Yesterday I began the 19th Annotation Retreat. In English, this means that I am now taking the Spiritual Exercises (normally a 30-day retreat) in Daily Life. It's a 7-9 month process that involves one hour of prayer daily, one hour of spiritual direction weekly, and one hour of small-group faith sharing weekly. I'm participating in the program through Loyola University, and I'm very excited to see what the year will bring me.

We opened with Mass and a reception yesterday at the Lake Shore campus. Mass was at Madonna della Strada chapel, this absolutely gorgeous building that I have found peaceful and bright. It is definitely a place where you can find God's light, both in the white stone of the interior and the tall airy ceilings. Despite the open space, it is also an intimate gathering area, and has a smaller altar area that is accessible and visible to all who gather for Mass or prayer. Fr. Dave Godleski, the co-coordinator of the retreat, presided over Mass. In his homily he talked about how we all hear different voices in our lives. Some of them lead us to peace and fulfillment in God, and some make us focus on the struggles and the disappointments and drag us down when we should be lifted up. The idea really hit home for me. I used to be full of optimism and cheer (my friends likened me to a Care Bear, an 80s toy I used to be obsessed with and collected). There have been a few events in my life, many of which occurred around my senior year of college, which created in me a feeling of distress, cynicism, frustration, and pain. I don't think I've ever quite gotten over those feelings or events, and I certainly have not rid myself of the cynicism. I know that the person I am today is only partially the real me. The other parts of the real me - the Care Bear parts - have gone into hiding and only peek out occasionally.

I also know that there are voices that keep me afraid and keep me from experiencing life as God intended me to experience it. These voices keep me focused on regrets and "what could have been" thoughts. These voices keep me full of anger and resentment, keep me focused on the struggles and don't allow me to recognize the joys and opportunities. As I read in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" the other day, so much of what we hold on to blocks the door to God's love. If we just get rid of that clutter, there will be space for that door to open and our lives to be filled with so much more hope, opportunity, and love than we can even imagine. It's a scary concept, to be that vulnerable and to be that free and to be that open to the unknown. This may be why so many twentysomethings struggle, and experience a quarterlife crisis. We've been so sheltered and structured for so long. We've received more and more freedom, and when that last tie breaks we are suddenly floundering around in a world we are only somewhat prepared for.

I know that I was not entirely prepared for it, and I have struggled with it. I got a new job and moved to a new city, and was fairly successful in both of those situations. I started a relationship with someone who meant the world to me, but felt from the beginning that I jumped into it not ready for it, even though it was the most real thing I had ever felt and was something I had been waiting for my whole life. However, things didn't stick. My job was extremely challenging and after two years I knew it was time to move on. I love my apartment and the culture and activity of the city, but I also don't quite fit in with the materialistic or social culture of my age group (i.e. I don't like to spend my weekends at the bar or spend tons of money on events). Faith and service, which had been incredibly important to me for many years prior to Chicago, had taken a backseat. I found a young adult ministry based in Ignatian Spirituality and got involved, but it didn't quite satisfy the need. The relationship I was in tended to be rooted in the social culture I wasn't comfortable with and not in the faith/service/arts parts of my true nature. Despite loving him and wanting to spend my life with him, I realized that being my best friend wasn't enough. Ending that relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I also changed jobs, but stayed in a field I wasn't content with. After attending World Youth Day in Australia, I realized that I was missing a large part of my identity. I didn't really know who I was or who I wanted to be. That has defined my journey since July, and I'm no closer to figuring it out than I was then. I've let the voices of self-doubt, questioning, second-guessing, and fear take over and direct my life. Now that I'm starting this retreat, I'm hopeful that the books I'm reading (Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge and the Take and Receive series for the Spiritual Exercises) will help me focus my prayer and my mind on thinking positively and creating my true identity based on what I know and come to learn about myself.

The long and short of it is this - I want to listen to God's voice not Satan's. I hope I am able to tune Satan out and tune God in. I think Day One is going well so far. I will hold on to that thought for today.

"Hail Charis, full of Grace"

">Charis means "Grace" and this new job is sure full of it! I love working in an environment that is full of fun-loving people who are genuine, faith-filled, loving, and compassionate. I love working in a faith-based environment that strives to bring young adults closer to God. It's such a refreshing feeling to be working here versus working at a high-stress high-pressure job with "challenging" administrators (nice way to put it... don't want to be too mean or negative here). Anyway, Charis is full of grace, and I am receiving graces and blessings by working there!

"When it rains, it pours, it opens doors"

Ironically, while listening to these lyrics from Train's "When I look to the sky" it actually looked like it might rain, and as I was walking from the bus to work it DID start to rain! So it's a gloomy rainy day, which is not exciting, but that's ok because I'm inside and I am in charge of my attitude. I am determined to be positive, organized, and not to let this job transition go to the dogs. Whatever I can do will empower me and will ensure that when I leave things will be under control. It helps having some control or further understanding of my emotions too.

Full refrain from Train's "When I Look to the Sky"
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

Have a great day!

Blessed

Christina Aguilera has this song from her first album called "Blessed" and some of the lyrics include: "I must say, ev'ry day I wake And realize you're by my side I know I'm truly blessed For ev'rything you give me Blessed For all the tenderness you show I'll do my best With ev'ry breath that's in me Blessed To make sure you never go There are times that test your faith 'Til you think you might surrender And, baby, I'm, I'm not ashamed to say That my hopes were growing slender You walked by in the nick of time Looking like an answered prayer I know I'm truly blessed..."

GVVA Retreat = Lotsa Love

This weekend was an amazing experience of God's love and community. I went on retreat in St. Louis with other alumni of the post-graduate volunteer program I did after college. The Gateway Vincentian Volunteers is a program that is now 8 years old, and will have nearly 50 alumni after June 30th. Each year we hold a reunion/retreat and various members of the different years travel back to STL for reflection, community building, relationship sharing, a calling back to our Vincentian roots, and more. It is such a blessing to be part of this group, a group that is truly a family, and to share in our love of St. Vincent and his mission for the poor. We hope that as the family continues to grow we always remember to take time out of the "busy-ness" of life to focus on those things which are most important.

Notice the Good

Thought for the day:
Notice the Good in Others: "The more I develop the habit of noticing goodness and only holding onto the good in others and situations, the more my own sense of well-being will rise."