I Want to Work in the Arts

That's what I want. I know my passions and my talents lie in the arts, especially youth arts, especially promoting them. Give me a job that relates kids to the arts, and I'm a happy happy camper. That's what I want to do with my life! I don't care how, but that's what I want! I don't know if it's what God wants, but I certainly feel an awful strong connection to youth arts programming. It's like if someone were to say, "I want to be a doctor" or a lawyer or a nurse or a youth minister or a business person or whatever else one feels called to do! I KNOW that's where my passions lie, and I think I have the gifts and talents to work in the arts and promote the arts and work with kids and connect kids to the arts. So how do I go about finding a job in that field? I don't know. Has this whole process been a waste? How do I find someone who knows someone who works with kids and the arts? I have no idea. But I feel like that's what I should be doing. I should be trying to find an organization that deals with kids, and the arts. I'd forgotten that one of my gifts is knowing where my gifts, talents, and interests lie, and putting all my energies into THAT instead of relyiing on all this other stuff. When I applied for colleges and for internships and for post-graduate volunteer programs -- I found out pretty quick where my interests were and where I thought I'd fit in the best. I knew it from the get-go, but I still went through the motions. I have yet to do that with this process. Perhaps this renewed sense of discernment and clarity will help energize me towards that end. I guess we'll find out!

Patience is a Virtue

Ever since I've started applying for things -- college, internships, volunteer programs, etc. -- I have always had a handful of things I've applied for and really truly wanted or gone after. I only applied to three colleges, three volunteer programs, and about a little over a dozen internships (of which I interviewed with about 7). Now it's come to the "Real Job Search" and I've sent out 47 cover letters/resumes so far, with another dozen going out this week. I would be happy in many of them. The only thing I know for certain is I would gladly take a Chicago job (or a Milwaukee job) over a Minnesota job any day. But I am applying in all three places because I know I need to keep all my options open. I know that God has a plan for me, and it will be a complete surprise (to some extent). But I'm starting to get nervous and impatient. It has only been two weeks since I mailed the first batch, but I'm still getting antsy. I know this process will be a lesson in patience for me. Would it help if I had a more clear idea what I wanted to do? I don't know.

Some friends know their fields of ministry/work -- nursing, business, pastoral care, teaching, etc. My interests and talents are so much broader than that. I have talents and experience in writing, leadership development, fundraising, volunteer management, event planning and promotion, etc. I would be happy delving into any of those fields, as long as I felt my gifts were being used to the absolute best of my ability. So where will God take me, and what job will he see fit to provide me with? I guess we'll find out. I just wish my patience was a little bit stronger than my impatience. It would make life a lot less stressful.

College Basketball

I love college basketball. I follow it as best I can during the regular season, checking up on my alma mater Marquette as well as clicking in on ESPN's scoreboard, headlines, and rankings each week to see what's happening. Towards the end of February, I begin my watch as Conference titles, Selection Sunday, and Tourney Time draw near.

I remember the first year my dad got me hooked on college basketball. I was in 7th grade, and I think the Minnesota Gophers were doing well that year. That may have been the year of or the year before we went to the Final Four. That was an awesome year to be watching college hoops. I have watched the tournament faithfully ever since. Am I a bracket pool person? No. not really. I entered my high school buddy Boeser's pool a couple years, but the only year I ever came CLOSE to winning was my sophomore year of high school. I had all the boys so pissed because my bracket was kicking everyone's butt and they didn't want to lose to a girl (sad, but true!) I had Duke and Michigan State in the Championship game, and I think I had Duke winning it all but Michigan State won out (or the other way around, I don't remember -- whoever the favorite was, I picked, but the other guy beat 'em). So I lost everything... in one pool anyway. My dad's girlfriend at the time had entered a bracket of mine under her name, and I won third place in that one. So instead of wining $300 gift certificate to Daytons (now Marshall Fields) and the cash from Boeser's pool, I won $100 gift certificate to Daytons and not-quite-ridicule at "well, she's not as good as she thought she was" from the guys. I will never forget that. It was an awesome and fun experience, but so disappointing at the same time.

Then of course there was the year Marquette went to the Final Four. I was a sophomore in college and was living the dream of watching a Division I college basketball team playing live for four years. That was Dwyane Wade's glory year and glory team. It was such a rush going through that whole process, from the buzzer beaters and nailbiteres and adrenaline rushes from the regular season, ending in a thrilling regular season closer to beat Cincinnati at home on Senior Night, to clinch the C-USA conference title from Cincinnati for the first time in 8 years or something all the way through our tromps of Holy Cross, Missouri, Pittsburgh, and Kentucky into the very sad and pathetic loss to Kansas in the Final Four. What a rush and what a run it was, day one through day end that year. It was a good year to be a Marquette student and fan. Especially as an employee at the Phonathon -- our Final $4 Million Challenge to complete the Al McGuire Athletic Center was the height of excitement in the call center that year. I can't imagine what big schools like Duke, UConn, and others go through every year, thinking this will be the year or another year to get to the Final Four or make the big championship win.

Do you think I'm nuts being so obsessed with college hoops and sports? I'm the person who loves sports but cringes at the amount of money we spend on athletes and athletic stadiums versus education and the arts. But I will say this, college sports peak my interest a million times more than professional sports, and at least the students are also getting an education, even if the NCAA has incredible obstacles to overcome in regards to many of its "popular" athletes and athletic programs regarding academics.

Retreats and Getting Away

There is just something about retreats and "getting away" that I find incredibly relaxing and fulfilling. I have found that it's an absolute necessity! I can't imagine going months without a retreat. I don't really know how I used to do it! I think during a year of service, when you are living in such close quarters with people you sometimes like and sometimes don't and when you are involved in spiritual faith-related work and searching, it is increasingly more important to make time for yourself, for God, for quiet, for peace, for comfort, for "away", for relaxing, for reenergizing, for recommittment, etc. It doesn't always have to be a religious or faith-based experience, but taking a day just for yourself to do things FOR YOURSELF and to relax and have quiet time JUST FOR YOURSELF is healthy and necessary!

Sometimes I don't think people understand that concept, or sometimes I feel guilty for doing it even if there's no reason for me to feel guilty. Do I think myself better than others because I do take that time? Not everyone believes in its importance the same way I do. I know I can't force it on anyone else, but I also will not stop to take it for myself if I need it. Hence my solitary time on our group retreats, and hence my using a wonderfully opportuned day off to "get away" to my aunt and uncle's lakeside home and spend some quiet time reading, catching up on my daily reflections, and having some wonderful quality family time all by myself, away from my housemates and away from my work and my kids.

It sounds wonderful. I almost wish I was still out there, but one day is really all I needed. :)

Mid-April, here I come!

I am not generally superstitious... check that, I've been superstitious since my first day as an E'gal Dance Team member freshman year of high school. However, it's been quite a while since I've had all these wacky crazy signs pointing in one direction for me. I know, weird right? There's no such thing as fate, there's no such thing as good kharma, there's no such thing as crazy gut instinct premonitions. Well, let me tell you, things are not always what they appear.

Just for curiosity's sake, I looked back on some old online journal archives from all four years of college to follow a hunch I had about the mid-April season for me. It turns out that the first 15 days of April hold some of the most positive and life-changing events of my college career. You think I'm joking? Well, the following may not mean much to you, but here goes:

April 12, 2002: One of my best and first guy friends from college, Ryan, writes me this incredible email that I still to this day keep in and pass from journal to journal. In it he shares inspiring thoughts such as, "It's me and I don't just accept it, I love it. I love who I am, the bad and the good. I love God and Jesus and they help me. I love everyday because I find joy in purely being alive. The biggest decision I think I ever made in my life was to devote my life to God's will. I believe I am suposed to help others, but I have no idea how. So, for now I am studying engineering. I don't honestly know what I am going to do. I don't know when I will know, or if I will. All I know is that it's all undercontrol. So I sit back and enjoy life. I help others everywhere I can, and that brings a joy to my life. I guess when I help some feel better or with something thats hard they help me far more than I help them." God I love that kid. :) That was a turning point in our tumultuous early relationship.

April 12-14, 2002: This weekend my good friend from Minnesota came to visit me in Milwaukee. I had been crushing over him since my senior year of high school, and during the course of this year, my freshman year of college, we went through this HUGE drama and ended in him admitting (FINALLY) that he was gay. This weekend was super fun quality time with just the two of us, and was exactly what we needed to help mend and continue our friendship. Although the friendship has since dissipated, that weekend was incredibly fun and important to me.

April 12, 2003: One of my favorite nights of sophomore year -- going bowling with Suzy, Katie Rock, Ryan, Rob & Mike Granito at the Annex for Lil' Sibs Weekend, then hanging out drinking, playing Egyptian Ratscrew and learning to play poker. Also one of the first nights Mike & I hung out as a precursor to us "liking each other" and eventually dating junior year. AND one of my favorite pictures from college is from that night. :) (if it was scanned somewhere I'd post it... maybe I can figure out how to do that soon).

April 2-6, 2004: Good Kharma Weekend -- one of THE best weekends in my college history. Parties, run ins with college basketball players, drinking, lunches and catch-up chats with old friends, and lots of positive feedback in the academic and pre-professional realm. This doesn't do it justice, but that was the craziest 5 days of my life, good kharma-wise.

April 9 & April 12, 2004: Got offered a public relations/marketing internship at Milwaukee Repertory Theater for summer 2004; spent a kick-ass Easter with Mom, John & Brandon, which was probably the best Easter I've had in several years.

April 1, 2005: Finished my second and last term as President of Marquette's chapter of Circle K EVER! That was such an amazing feeling -- a great three years of Circle K, a great 2 terms as president, a great legacy to leave and a great feeling to be DONE! :)

April 11-14, 2005: A crazy 4 day process in which I went from believing I'd be going to Chicago for a volunteer year to emailing, online applying, phone interviewing, and accepting a position with Gateway Vincentian Volunteers in St. Louis, Missouri! I couldn't believe how fast it went! But there you go, and here I am, and now I'm in the process again of figuring out what's going to happen next in my life.

I don't know what I think or expect will happen in April, but it could be anything from job search-related good news or the simple fact that Mom & John will be here at that time. All I know is God has been a blessing to me in the month of April for quite a few years now and it wouldn't hurt for him to keep up the trend -- even if He wants to be unpredictabe. :) So, fingers crossed and here's hoping!

Magical Vinnie Kickers? Or Not.

Today was not a magical day for the Vinnie Kickers of Arsenal Street in St. Louis. Although the entire MVK squad was in attendance, having 20 people only did so much. Really, we played a lot better than last week overall. Although we are still 0-4, our last game was really close and we almost won. In fact, we were winning, the entire game, until at 2:00 (when time should have been called), we fell apart and allowed four runs to score, including the tying and go-ahead runs. It was the most evenly matched game we've played, and I'm really proud of how much our team has improved since last week. However, the cold weather, the injuries and sore legs, and our lousy losing record make it hard to stay completely positive. I'm not as bummed or upset as others are, because I see the improvement and because we CAN only get better. But I know everyone was disappointed, including me. I'm just glad the games were early because it definitely got colder by the time our second game ended. Lucky for me, hot cocoa and curling up under a warm blanket for some college basketball this afternoon is all I have to do today. Maybe next Sunday will be a little bit more magical for the Magical Vinnie Kickers.

RENT

What can I say? I love this show. I have now seen the theatrical production three times and the movie version once. I can't begin to express how much I love it more and more every time I see it.

Some might call it stereotypical shock value, or stereotypical "torment of the human soul." I, however, see it as a tribute to human dignity and the ability of the human spirit to survive no matter what hand is dealt to us in life. Lyrics such as "Will I lose my dignity / will someone care? / will I wake tomorrow / from this nightmare?" and "I can't control / my destiny / I trust my soul / my only goal / is just to be / there's only now / there's only here / give in to love / or live in fear / no other path / no other way / no day but today" are tributes to the phrase, "Carpe Diem -- Seize the Day!" I heard someone once say they disliked that phrase, and I can't remember why, but it didn't make sense to me. Why shouldn't we try to make the most out of every day we have on earth? Why shouldn't we seize every opportunity we can to live life to the fullest? I guess it depends on how that is done, and what opportunities are presented to us. I don't see "Carpe Diem" as a reason to have sex for sex's purpose, or to rob a bank just because I can, or try drugs because who knows when I'll get another chance. Some people might, but to me, that's not what "Carpe Diem" or any of the lessons in "RENT" are saying. They are saying, in my mind, that we can't be afraid to take chances or risk love, that we can't be afraid to be ourselves or to share our gifts and lives with the world. "Will I lose my dignity" speaks for all of us! Do we treat everyone we meet with dignity? Even the homeless men and women we see on the streets? Even those people who absolutely piss us off and hurt our feelings so much that we ignore them or talk bad about them? Do WE always have dignity? Do we treat ourselves, our spirits, our bodies, our minds, with the dignity we deserve? Do we take care of our bodies, our minds, our spirits or do we let them fall by the wayside, get trashed, get diseased, get dirty and bloated? It's a challenge to both view ourselves and to view those around us with dignity and respect. Otherwise, we'll be living this nightmare for the rest of our lives.

Can I say whether I like the play or the movie better? Of course I can. I like both. I am partial to the theatrical production, but I also appreciate the consistent sound quality and the ability to follow the plotline better in the movie version. Seeing it onstage and having the music rocking out live in your face can't be beat, but the movie is an EXCELLENT way to fill in the gaps and to hear the lyrics a little bit clearer. I recommend seeing both, but I recommend, if you can, seeing the play first, or at least being open to the differences if you see the movie before you see the play. I'm grateful I've been able to see both, especially the live version. Thanks to Clare for accompanying me, and to Teri for the free tickets, despite the drama that ensused when Clare & I gave the tickets we purchased to someone else.

It's been a rough weekend. Between the previously mentioned drama, the high emotions/stress from the job search, and not getting to see Dan & Mal tonight, I am a wreck. Luckily we have kickball tomorrow so I can get physical exercise to let out some of my stress and aggression. I hope I can anyway.

Education Setbacks

The one problem with working at a poor, "inner-city," multicultural Catholic grade school is there are often so many problems and you can barely scratch the surface enough to help all the kids that need help. I'm sure there are problems and dysfunction in every school system -- public or private, grade school or high school, all-white and multi-cultural -- but it seems as if problems are heightened in a situation like I'm in at Cabrini. All the kids with attention disorders, learning disabilities, language barriers need help; there are families that struggle to get the kids there on time, aren't involved in their lives, use the kids for their own personal gain, or have inner family dysfunction that really affects the kids' behavior and ability to learn; not to mention the usual drama associated with working grades K-8 that try your patience and make you want to tear your hair out.

One of my families has been through a number of things this year. I have the girls in first and second grade, and at first it was just the parents' marriage problems. Then the parents got separated and are in the process of getting a divorce, so the girls and the father move in with this other family that has a bunch of kids and very little space for everyone to live peaceably and healthily. The girls by now have started to act out (the first grader) or be very quiet, withdrawn, and depressed (the second grader). Then there are issues with the father, who is completely irresponsible, takes them out of school for no reason, will not return paperwork that needs to be returned, fights the uphill battle of getting the girls' help (counselors and testing), etc. This past Monday, Maureen kicked the girls out of school because of something the father did, and they didn't come back all week. There isn't a single person who thinks they'll be back, but has the school gotten a phone call? Have we heard or seen anything from them? Nope. And I feel so badly for the girls. Even though life is a little bit calmer without the first grader around, it pains me to know that we can't watch out for them anymore. Maureen was going to call DFS, because (as the first grade teacher says), "They really need to be in foster care and have some stability and some adults who actually care for them in their lives." We'll see if anything happens in that arena. Until a new school calls looking for records, we can't assume he's made them change schools. For all we know, they may be staying at home or going to work with him instead of going to school. That second grader truly is the mom of the family, looking out for her younger siblings (I think she has 2-3 younger siblings). It's such a sad situation, but what can we do? Only so much, and then our hands are tied! It is very hard to watch, but all I find I am able to do is pray for them daily. I pray for those girls and pray that someday their situation improves.

That's just one story I could tell you about one family in this school. Everyone has their own stories, and man almighty the stuff you'd hear... after hearing the story of one of my kindergarteners, I don't think I could be surprised by anything. But I hang in there, give them love and discipline, because they need both, and hope I get a job someday where I can help kids like that in a non-educational setting. I pray that someday, I am able to watch kids like this grow up and know I made a positive difference in their lives. Because with these kids down here, I may never see them again, so who knows if they'll remember me 10-15 years down the line when they're getting ready to graduate high school or college. I truly am a teacher because I can say, "I hope I made a difference in the life of a child, and if not, I hope that I can someday."

The World is My Ocean

The past two weeks have been full of adventure, but not the kind you might think. I spent one week rewriting my resume, and another week researching job possibilities and writing cover letters. The past four days have been spenting finishing, printing, mailing, and emailing approximately 50 cover letters and resumes. I am very excited about all the job possibilities that are out there in Chicago and Minneapolis, and I hope I am able to interview with at least a few of them!

But I am worried. This is the first time I've done the "real job" search before. I got lots of advice on resume and cover letter writing, but some of it came after I had printed and mailed everything. I am worried because a few people thought my resume looked too busy, and I wasn't able to change it. I know my cover letters are good, and the content of my resume is good. But when you are looking for your first REAL job, and even throughout the course of job hunting, you are trying to be 100% professional and you are trying to impress any possible future employer the absolute best you can. And though there is nothing I can do now but wait and pray, I am still worried that I just didn't do it the best I could have. Is that true? No, I don't think so. Sure I could have probably changed a couple things, or maybe waited for some more feedback, but I had a process and a deadline, and by golly if I wasn't almost dead-on that deadline this week!

I know that whatever is meant to happen will happen. I know God has the perfect job in mind for me, and that when the time is right he will make that job known to me. All I can do is be open to whatever comes my way and keep as many possibilities available as I can, and surely God will speak to me eventually. I've been praying throughout the entire process and I will continue to pray that God's will be done daily. I just hope I'm good enough, and although I have been incredibly confident about it, now comes the time of insecurity, second-guessing, regret, and nerves. My whole "I know I am an asset and am qualified and have the passion and have good interviewing and writing skills and can totally get a job" attitude has now turned into, "I hope I didn't screw up too badly or jinx myself at all!" So pray for me. I need the encouragement and support.

I will keep you posted as news progresses. I have already received replies from two of the six online applications (one position was full, would I like to apply for another? and the second said qualified applicants would be contacted in 2-3 weeks to set up an interview). I will begin calling those I snail mailed next week to see if the information reached them safely and to discuss the opportunities available. Keep your fingers crossed! :)

That's it for now. St. Louis continues to treat me well, though I have been very out of touch at St. Vincent's the past few weeks. It's hard to stay busy and committed when there is very little to do and when I have this huge other important project hanging over my head. At least I can go to school and let everything out of my mind for a few hours at a time. I have truly loved being at Cabrini, with all of my kids, especially the little ones. They are so full of love and cuteness, and some days they just make you so proud to see how grown up they are and how much they've learned from you and each other. The older kids are a lot harder to judge, but helping with music class has allowed me time to pursue my passions and get to know them on a much more one-on-one basis. I love going to Cabrini. :)

With this I will sign off. "Rent" and Magical Vinnie Kickers Weekend #2 coming up! My love to you all -- take care!