Today is the last day of my second week of class. This week has been MUCH less overwhelming than last week was. I am settling into a routine, getting used to the reading load, enjoying my classes, and getting to know my classmates better. I even discovered an exercise routine without having to buy a gym membership!
While last week was the week of "Take it easy" and "Easy Does It" and "OH MY GOD I'M IN GRAD SCHOOL I'M SO EXCITED!", this week is the "One day at a time" week. The to-do list of readings, homework, assignments, and other little tasks keeps growing, but I'm aware I can't do it all today or even this week. I've learned over time how to break up big projects into smaller more manageable pieces. I've also learned to recognize what I can and need to accomplish today. There are a lot of things I can postpone to tomorrow, or to some time next week, if I learn how to budget my time wisely. I'm still getting into the rhythm of time management "Grad school style" but it's an easier transition than I expected.
Classes are going really well. I am thoroughly enjoying the discussions in my Community Psychology class about the definition of community and learning to understand the big picture in terms of "context" and how "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts". My art therapy professor (same teacher for both classes) is phenomenal! She's got a lot of energy and challenges us to think outside the box and participate. The readings for those two classes are quick, easy, and understandable. Probably because I'm going into the field, I find them easier to understand and enjoyable to read! We've done art-making activities in all my art therapy classes too, which is AWESOME! My "Biopsychosocial Bases of Health and Dysfunction" class is the only one I didn't have this week because of the holiday. I'm keeping up with the reading and already have plans with my partner next week to work on our group presentation.
This is a boring post today but I wanted to check in and post an update about school. There will be a more people-focused post sometime soon!
Hugs,
Briana
Friday, September 07, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Institute on Public Safety and Social Justice
Yesterday I took one of the first big steps towards becoming "part of" at Adler. I attended a talk by Elena Quintana, the Executive Director for the Institute on Public Safety and Social Justice. Adler has two Institutes for Social Change -- one is the IPSSJ and the other is the Institute on Social Exclusion. Both institutes provide opportunities for learning and discussion, participate in community research and dialogue, and promote Adler's vision for creating socially responsible clinicians and practitioners.
The emphasis on social justice and working in the community strongly attracted me to Adler. It was one of the primary reasons I chose this particular school. It seems fate, coincidence, or God that of the dozen schools in the country with an art therapy program, the one leading the way towards social justice and community-based psychology was one of the two in Chicago where I lived.
The talk yesterday was awesome. The topic was Adverse Childhood Experiences and how do we continue to work towards diminishing their occurrences and long-term effects. In the week since I've been coming to Adler events -- orientation, my first days of class, the talk yesterday - I am already become open to a whole different field of psychology, the area of trauma. Trauma takes place in so many different ways from childhood through adulthood. It can be as "simple" as moving for a parent's job relocation in kindergarten to experiencing your parents' divorce in high school to the more severe experiences of sexual assault or rape or chronic illness. I am not sure exactly what areas I'm interested in yet, but the idea of resiliency and how can we be a positive force/vehicle for change as clinicians, is a huge draw for me. I am really looking forward to diving in to this idea more and talking it out with the different experts on campus.
The talk yesterday showed me again how differently I'm showing up to grad school than I would've even a year ago. I'm not afraid to introduce myself and ask questions. Yesterday I met all three staff members of the IPSSJ just because I was unafraid to ask questions. I am so excited to get to know them better and hopefully become involved in some of their projects.
Today is my long class day - Community Psychology this morning (SO excited for this class!) and History/Theory of Art Therapy. This means I need to pack my lunch so I have something healthy to eat during the hour break between classes!
Love,
Briana
The emphasis on social justice and working in the community strongly attracted me to Adler. It was one of the primary reasons I chose this particular school. It seems fate, coincidence, or God that of the dozen schools in the country with an art therapy program, the one leading the way towards social justice and community-based psychology was one of the two in Chicago where I lived.
The talk yesterday was awesome. The topic was Adverse Childhood Experiences and how do we continue to work towards diminishing their occurrences and long-term effects. In the week since I've been coming to Adler events -- orientation, my first days of class, the talk yesterday - I am already become open to a whole different field of psychology, the area of trauma. Trauma takes place in so many different ways from childhood through adulthood. It can be as "simple" as moving for a parent's job relocation in kindergarten to experiencing your parents' divorce in high school to the more severe experiences of sexual assault or rape or chronic illness. I am not sure exactly what areas I'm interested in yet, but the idea of resiliency and how can we be a positive force/vehicle for change as clinicians, is a huge draw for me. I am really looking forward to diving in to this idea more and talking it out with the different experts on campus.
The talk yesterday showed me again how differently I'm showing up to grad school than I would've even a year ago. I'm not afraid to introduce myself and ask questions. Yesterday I met all three staff members of the IPSSJ just because I was unafraid to ask questions. I am so excited to get to know them better and hopefully become involved in some of their projects.
Today is my long class day - Community Psychology this morning (SO excited for this class!) and History/Theory of Art Therapy. This means I need to pack my lunch so I have something healthy to eat during the hour break between classes!
Love,
Briana
Monday, August 27, 2012
First Day Done!
I was reminded again today of something I saw and learned last week at Orientation. I am a much different person than I was in high school, college, or in any previous NEW situations. This is the first time entering a new "community" since coming into Al-Anon, and I can feel the difference. I got to show up so differently. I wasn't afraid of putting myself out there, introducing myself, initiating conversations and collaborations. I recognize and know the names of almost everyone in my art therapy class. I don't say that to brag, but to acknowledge to myself the importance of relationship-building to me. I am the same way at Starbucks. I know the names of probably 50 or more regulars... I have made it a point to make connections and build those connections into relationships. I intend to do the same at school!
I am however very very rusty in the academic sense. My brain hurts from having to think intellectually today! It will take a couple weeks to get back into the swing of reading and critical thinking. Luckily I don't have class this coming Monday for Labor Day, so I have an extra day to do some reading and start some research. CRAZY!
For now I have to get back into work mode... tomorrow's a Starbucks day. Totally weird to bounce back and forth between school-mode and Starbucks-mode. I'll get into that rhythm too! Good night all.
-Briana
I am however very very rusty in the academic sense. My brain hurts from having to think intellectually today! It will take a couple weeks to get back into the swing of reading and critical thinking. Luckily I don't have class this coming Monday for Labor Day, so I have an extra day to do some reading and start some research. CRAZY!
For now I have to get back into work mode... tomorrow's a Starbucks day. Totally weird to bounce back and forth between school-mode and Starbucks-mode. I'll get into that rhythm too! Good night all.
-Briana
Back in the saddle
After a five almost six month hiatus from blogging, I am back in the saddle. I'm taking a cue from my almost-20-year-old cousin Allison who is starting her sophomore year at Iowa State. She did a month excursion in Belize this past summer and blogged every day during her experience. She has picked the blogging back up now that she's in school, and I thought I would like to do the same. I won't write every day, but I will use this as a place to pen some thoughts as I go through my grad school experience.
And at this point I'll pause and say HOLY CRAP! I am FINALLY starting grad school!!!
Today is my first day of class for the Masters in Art Therapy program I'm beginning in Chicago. I have been working towards this day for over 3.5 years, from the moment I found out about art therapy on Marylhurst's website and said "Oh my gosh, that's what I want to do! That's how I can make the world a better place!" (I still think that sounds so corny, but it literally was what came out of my mouth). Every step of the way, I have known for a fact this is what I'm supposed to do with my life. Things have fallen into place, and the journey I've taken since leaving Charis Ministries and beginning prerequisite classes at the City Colleges of Chicago has led me to this point. I started working at Starbucks, I joined Al-Anon, I moved in with Audrey. Those three things alone have been life-changing, and have helped me grow into a mature self-aware young adult who is starting a career-driven graduate program today!
I am a little bit nervous. I printed off my syllabi last night, and oh man. This is going to be a tough semester! Every term will probably be tough terms, but because this is the first one, it feels more overwhelming. I have four main classes plus a professional development seminar. All four classes have a group project/presentation, and at least two have a final paper of 10-20 pages (the 20-page paper is a grant proposal, oh boy! I knew I'd never get away from grant-writing but a 20-page proposal in my first semester of grad school is a little much). However, my History & Theory of Art Therapy class has a daily drawing journal requirement, and I'm beyond excited about that. It'll help me keep my sketching skills sharp and will allow me creative expression on a daily basis.
One of my tendencies when I start to feel overwhelmed is to start to compartmentalize my life. I automatically want to limit my extra activities so I have time to study. I automatically want to change my mind about finding a gym/getting a gym membership and how often I'll work, so I have time for school work and my meetings. However, if I've learned anything the past 3 years in program, it's that balance is KEY. I have to have fun. I have to exercise. I have to work. And yes, I'll have to make sacrifices in order to have time to study, but that's okay. As long as I'm still taking care of me in the other areas of my life as well. I imagine I will not go to all three meetings every week. I imagine I'll find 2-3 days a week to fit in an exercise routine. I imagine I'll find the pockets of study time that work with my schedule. What do I do about step-work? Build it into social time, and have people I can meet up with to do step-work. Grad school can and will be manageable, as long as I don't tense up and freak out!
In the end, while it might feel scary and overwhelming today, I just keep remembering how excited I am to start this, how excited I am to learn, and how good it feels to be doing what I know I'll love and what I know I'm meant to do. Just for today, I will be grateful for the opportunity and be excited for what lies ahead.
Thanks Ally for motivating me to blog again! Love you kiddo.
Hugs, Briana
And at this point I'll pause and say HOLY CRAP! I am FINALLY starting grad school!!!
Today is my first day of class for the Masters in Art Therapy program I'm beginning in Chicago. I have been working towards this day for over 3.5 years, from the moment I found out about art therapy on Marylhurst's website and said "Oh my gosh, that's what I want to do! That's how I can make the world a better place!" (I still think that sounds so corny, but it literally was what came out of my mouth). Every step of the way, I have known for a fact this is what I'm supposed to do with my life. Things have fallen into place, and the journey I've taken since leaving Charis Ministries and beginning prerequisite classes at the City Colleges of Chicago has led me to this point. I started working at Starbucks, I joined Al-Anon, I moved in with Audrey. Those three things alone have been life-changing, and have helped me grow into a mature self-aware young adult who is starting a career-driven graduate program today!
I am a little bit nervous. I printed off my syllabi last night, and oh man. This is going to be a tough semester! Every term will probably be tough terms, but because this is the first one, it feels more overwhelming. I have four main classes plus a professional development seminar. All four classes have a group project/presentation, and at least two have a final paper of 10-20 pages (the 20-page paper is a grant proposal, oh boy! I knew I'd never get away from grant-writing but a 20-page proposal in my first semester of grad school is a little much). However, my History & Theory of Art Therapy class has a daily drawing journal requirement, and I'm beyond excited about that. It'll help me keep my sketching skills sharp and will allow me creative expression on a daily basis.
One of my tendencies when I start to feel overwhelmed is to start to compartmentalize my life. I automatically want to limit my extra activities so I have time to study. I automatically want to change my mind about finding a gym/getting a gym membership and how often I'll work, so I have time for school work and my meetings. However, if I've learned anything the past 3 years in program, it's that balance is KEY. I have to have fun. I have to exercise. I have to work. And yes, I'll have to make sacrifices in order to have time to study, but that's okay. As long as I'm still taking care of me in the other areas of my life as well. I imagine I will not go to all three meetings every week. I imagine I'll find 2-3 days a week to fit in an exercise routine. I imagine I'll find the pockets of study time that work with my schedule. What do I do about step-work? Build it into social time, and have people I can meet up with to do step-work. Grad school can and will be manageable, as long as I don't tense up and freak out!
In the end, while it might feel scary and overwhelming today, I just keep remembering how excited I am to start this, how excited I am to learn, and how good it feels to be doing what I know I'll love and what I know I'm meant to do. Just for today, I will be grateful for the opportunity and be excited for what lies ahead.
Thanks Ally for motivating me to blog again! Love you kiddo.
Hugs, Briana
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Come to Jesus Moment
I had an experience today of trying to share with two friends (who are not in Al-Anon, but knew me the year before I joined the program and have watched my journey) about my recent "Come-to-Jesus" moment with my sponsor. I realized how tricky it was to share about the experience with people who are not in program. It's not important whether I can share it effectively or not, but it was really interesting and raised the question: How DO we share our come-to-Jesus moments with others?
This is important only in that sharing our stories is often a really important vehicle for connecting with others. Whether we are giving a retreat talk, a sermon, a lead at a 12-step meeting, writing a personal statement for grad school, or even just getting to know people who could become friends or another significant relationship. How do you share about a profound and important spiritual, emotional, and life-changing experience in a way that doesn't diminish it and yet still gets the point across?
My roommate shared a thought this morning about how sermons are meant to be profound but leads are only meant to be honest. I stumbled through my conversation with Brooke and Tracy tonight, and I could see the furrowed brows. But I managed to convey that I had reached a point where I needed to either take responsibility for my life and my spiritual recovery or not. I chose to keep working with my sponsor, to begin telling her exactly what's going on, because I knew my muddled brain would STAY muddled if I didn't. I have felt more clear-eyed and clear-headed in the past week than I've felt in months. It's a direct result of being transparent, being honest, and being able to say "This is how I'm feeling" or "I feel better today but this is how I felt yesterday and I thought you should know." When I talked to my sponsor today about something, men and relationship-related something, I felt good being able to just stumble through the junk and get to the heart of what I was trying to share with her. I know I'm not doing this perfectly but I'm willing. I'm honest as possible. And I'm open-minded to hear her feedback and suggestions. And I continue to feel clear-headed as a result.
Unless you work the Steps or take part in a 12-step program, it's hard to explain exactly what it's like to go through the journey. It's hard to articulate the power of these come-to-Jesus moments, when something that outsiders might not see as a big deal truly changes the course of how you show up to your life. My whole demeanor has changed. Even one of my regular customers said I looked more myself on Tuesday than I have in a while. How incredible is that? The only change was I realized I needed to take responsibility and ownership of my own spiritual growth and my own life. I had to acknowledge, TO MYSELF, that I'm a mature responsible 29-year old woman, and I need to start acting like it. I hugged my sponsor, crying, and was still holding back, until I just let go and hugged her tighter. That literal and physical surrender was huge. Something so small, and seemingly so corny, and yet so profound for me.
Anyway, I don't know what possessed me to want to share this tonight, but I wanted to put it out in the void. Surrender, willingness, transparency, and a clear head -- that is what I have learned and gained over the past week, and really the past 2+ years. I will continue to work at it, and trust in God's love and guidance and will. AMEN! ;)
This is important only in that sharing our stories is often a really important vehicle for connecting with others. Whether we are giving a retreat talk, a sermon, a lead at a 12-step meeting, writing a personal statement for grad school, or even just getting to know people who could become friends or another significant relationship. How do you share about a profound and important spiritual, emotional, and life-changing experience in a way that doesn't diminish it and yet still gets the point across?
My roommate shared a thought this morning about how sermons are meant to be profound but leads are only meant to be honest. I stumbled through my conversation with Brooke and Tracy tonight, and I could see the furrowed brows. But I managed to convey that I had reached a point where I needed to either take responsibility for my life and my spiritual recovery or not. I chose to keep working with my sponsor, to begin telling her exactly what's going on, because I knew my muddled brain would STAY muddled if I didn't. I have felt more clear-eyed and clear-headed in the past week than I've felt in months. It's a direct result of being transparent, being honest, and being able to say "This is how I'm feeling" or "I feel better today but this is how I felt yesterday and I thought you should know." When I talked to my sponsor today about something, men and relationship-related something, I felt good being able to just stumble through the junk and get to the heart of what I was trying to share with her. I know I'm not doing this perfectly but I'm willing. I'm honest as possible. And I'm open-minded to hear her feedback and suggestions. And I continue to feel clear-headed as a result.
Unless you work the Steps or take part in a 12-step program, it's hard to explain exactly what it's like to go through the journey. It's hard to articulate the power of these come-to-Jesus moments, when something that outsiders might not see as a big deal truly changes the course of how you show up to your life. My whole demeanor has changed. Even one of my regular customers said I looked more myself on Tuesday than I have in a while. How incredible is that? The only change was I realized I needed to take responsibility and ownership of my own spiritual growth and my own life. I had to acknowledge, TO MYSELF, that I'm a mature responsible 29-year old woman, and I need to start acting like it. I hugged my sponsor, crying, and was still holding back, until I just let go and hugged her tighter. That literal and physical surrender was huge. Something so small, and seemingly so corny, and yet so profound for me.
Anyway, I don't know what possessed me to want to share this tonight, but I wanted to put it out in the void. Surrender, willingness, transparency, and a clear head -- that is what I have learned and gained over the past week, and really the past 2+ years. I will continue to work at it, and trust in God's love and guidance and will. AMEN! ;)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Breaking down walls, one stubborn brick at a time
I can honestly say 2012 has been a struggle for me so far, in a surprising way. I have felt spiritually stuck, and have waged an ongoing inner struggle with myself. I don't want to address the inner struggle so I find ways to externalize it. I've done so by obsessing about a boy, by pulling away from my sponsor then blaming her (and seriously considering for all of 24 hours changing sponsors because "she just doesn't understand me"), trying to force myself to be happy at work, and all kinds of other things. The truth of the matter is, I'm at a crossroads of vulnerability and intimacy. I'm at a serious fork in the road in terms of "do I want to change or is it too hard/painful to do so" and I don't know how to talk about it or deal with it.
I do NOT know how to let people in. It may seem like I know how to listen and how to share. It may seem like I can tell you what's going on with me and share my story or my struggle or my success. The truth is, I can do so as long as I feel safe and able to maintain a certain image. My whole life has been image management, and I am struggling to be completely true to who I am and who I want to be. Because honestly I don't know who either of those people are -- the person I am or the person I want to be. I am defined by my past in one way, and I have some vague hope for the future. But today, in the here and now, in the present moment, I am just this lost little girl who wants to believe she's loved by God and accessible to others but doesn't actually believe either of those things. And it's okay to acknowledge that. It's totally okay to acknowledge that.
I am volunteering at the Children's Museum today and I'm excited about it. We're continuing to do daredevil painting which is FUN. It also means I get to see a program friend who has become a wonderful spiritual sister. In the meantime, I need to call my sponsor and tell her how I'm feeling today. And then I'm going to curl my hair and do my makeup, because sometimes when I feel churned up on the inside, taking care with my outside makes me feel better. "Just for today I will smile. I will keep myself neat and clean. I will be grateful for what I have instead of concentrating on what I don't have." Just for today :)
I do NOT know how to let people in. It may seem like I know how to listen and how to share. It may seem like I can tell you what's going on with me and share my story or my struggle or my success. The truth is, I can do so as long as I feel safe and able to maintain a certain image. My whole life has been image management, and I am struggling to be completely true to who I am and who I want to be. Because honestly I don't know who either of those people are -- the person I am or the person I want to be. I am defined by my past in one way, and I have some vague hope for the future. But today, in the here and now, in the present moment, I am just this lost little girl who wants to believe she's loved by God and accessible to others but doesn't actually believe either of those things. And it's okay to acknowledge that. It's totally okay to acknowledge that.
I am volunteering at the Children's Museum today and I'm excited about it. We're continuing to do daredevil painting which is FUN. It also means I get to see a program friend who has become a wonderful spiritual sister. In the meantime, I need to call my sponsor and tell her how I'm feeling today. And then I'm going to curl my hair and do my makeup, because sometimes when I feel churned up on the inside, taking care with my outside makes me feel better. "Just for today I will smile. I will keep myself neat and clean. I will be grateful for what I have instead of concentrating on what I don't have." Just for today :)
Happiness Commandments
There are a number of amazing blogs I follow, when I make the time to sit and read through the recent posts. One is called The Happiness Project and is run by Gretchen Rubin, author of a book by the same name (I may have mentioned this blog before).
Recently Gretchen posted about levity, which really means a sense of lightness. She was talking about having a sense of lightness and fun in the workplace and in the home. But, she referenced a previous blog post about her personal Happiness Commandments.
As posts like this often do, it made me try to think and apply the topic to my own life. In this case, what are my personal happiness commandments? Gretchen talks about "What words repeat themselves in your ears? What was the offhand comment you found unforgettable?"
She suggests not making rules. Your personal commandments should not be a to-do list. And you don't have to do them all all the time. They should aim high but not be overwhelming or set too high expectations. She also talks about taking time to reflect on them and that sometimes we can get inspiration from other people's commandments.
Anyway, given all that (and ignoring, to some extent) the idea of reflecting on them for a while, I decided to do a quick list of my own personal commandments. These are nuggets I take with me on a regular basis when I'm living my daily life, struggling to find balance, and just trying to be happy. It is not a comprehensive list, and probably will develop over time. But this is a start!
1. Breathe
2. Be gentle/patient with yourself.
3. "Be Still and know that I am God."
4. Progress, not perfection.
5. We're only as sick as our secrets.
6. Pay it forward/be of service.
7. Stay in today.
8. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
9. Feel your feelings, then move on.
10. "We will become mature responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder."
So I started this post some weeks ago and am just now finishing it. So I guess I did take some time to reflect on these commandments! It was nice to come back to and re-read and see what still felt to me to be my go-to inspirations. Reminding myself of these commandments is already helping me have a good day. :)
Recently Gretchen posted about levity, which really means a sense of lightness. She was talking about having a sense of lightness and fun in the workplace and in the home. But, she referenced a previous blog post about her personal Happiness Commandments.
As posts like this often do, it made me try to think and apply the topic to my own life. In this case, what are my personal happiness commandments? Gretchen talks about "What words repeat themselves in your ears? What was the offhand comment you found unforgettable?"
She suggests not making rules. Your personal commandments should not be a to-do list. And you don't have to do them all all the time. They should aim high but not be overwhelming or set too high expectations. She also talks about taking time to reflect on them and that sometimes we can get inspiration from other people's commandments.
Anyway, given all that (and ignoring, to some extent) the idea of reflecting on them for a while, I decided to do a quick list of my own personal commandments. These are nuggets I take with me on a regular basis when I'm living my daily life, struggling to find balance, and just trying to be happy. It is not a comprehensive list, and probably will develop over time. But this is a start!
1. Breathe
2. Be gentle/patient with yourself.
3. "Be Still and know that I am God."
4. Progress, not perfection.
5. We're only as sick as our secrets.
6. Pay it forward/be of service.
7. Stay in today.
8. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
9. Feel your feelings, then move on.
10. "We will become mature responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder."
So I started this post some weeks ago and am just now finishing it. So I guess I did take some time to reflect on these commandments! It was nice to come back to and re-read and see what still felt to me to be my go-to inspirations. Reminding myself of these commandments is already helping me have a good day. :)
Friday, February 03, 2012
Excited Anticipation
One of my favorite prayers is not surprisingly from a Jesuit priest named Pierre Teilhard de Chardin called "Patient Trust." Depending on what's going on in my life, different parts of the prayer speak to me and remind me to step back, breathe, and have hope.
Today I'm struck by the ending line about accepting "the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete." This is exactly how I feel right now. I feel a high level of anticipation, but it's not worry or negative anticipation or even obsession. I just feel anticipatory. During one of the orientation sessions at the beginning of my volunteer year, we each had to choose a word from a list of "emotion/feeling words" to describe how we were feeling so far that week. One of my housemates choose "anticipatory" and I've loved the word ever since. It's different than anxiety and has a lot of other emotions wrapped up in it, but as my roommate said, it's just the overall feeling of "something's coming."
Something's coming? What could possibly be coming? I have no idea. I couldn't even begin to guess. I don't even feel like a huge amount of change is coming, at least not in the near future. Sometimes I've felt this anticipation when I know the program is working something out in me, and I'm on the brink of some major self-revelation. I've felt this way when I've been in class and have been uncovering new levels of creativity and art-making ideas. I've felt this way, obviously, around applying to grad school or applying for jobs or when I've been about to make a life-changing move. But this time, none of that is on the horizon, not near enough to having me feeling anticipation around it yet. If something's coming, it's something down the road, something I don't quite see yet or something small and (seemingly insignificant) right now that may have some greater meaning in the future. I don't know. And I don't really care. Honestly, right now I'm just enjoying feeling myself in suspense, and in complete. :-)
Today I'm struck by the ending line about accepting "the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete." This is exactly how I feel right now. I feel a high level of anticipation, but it's not worry or negative anticipation or even obsession. I just feel anticipatory. During one of the orientation sessions at the beginning of my volunteer year, we each had to choose a word from a list of "emotion/feeling words" to describe how we were feeling so far that week. One of my housemates choose "anticipatory" and I've loved the word ever since. It's different than anxiety and has a lot of other emotions wrapped up in it, but as my roommate said, it's just the overall feeling of "something's coming."
Something's coming? What could possibly be coming? I have no idea. I couldn't even begin to guess. I don't even feel like a huge amount of change is coming, at least not in the near future. Sometimes I've felt this anticipation when I know the program is working something out in me, and I'm on the brink of some major self-revelation. I've felt this way when I've been in class and have been uncovering new levels of creativity and art-making ideas. I've felt this way, obviously, around applying to grad school or applying for jobs or when I've been about to make a life-changing move. But this time, none of that is on the horizon, not near enough to having me feeling anticipation around it yet. If something's coming, it's something down the road, something I don't quite see yet or something small and (seemingly insignificant) right now that may have some greater meaning in the future. I don't know. And I don't really care. Honestly, right now I'm just enjoying feeling myself in suspense, and in complete. :-)
Friday, January 20, 2012
Self-Esteem Battle
Oooh Boy. Just when you think you've got one set of demons somewhat dealt with, a whole new batch of them comes wailing down the pipes. "Hello! Yoohoo! Over here! Did you forget about me? Just wanted to make sure you knew I was still around."
God almighty. I did not see this coming. I literally hadn't felt so awful in years, at least three years to be exact. All the old feelings of not being good enough came roaring up out of nowhere. I had the most amazing weekend, feeling beautiful, sexy, confident, happy, fun-loving, making close connections with girlfriends, strengthening my spirituality, feeling so good. SO GOOD. And out of freaking NOWHERE comes this torrent of negative self-defeating nasty ugly awful thoughts. Obsession. Constant looking outside of myself to feel better. LIES LIES LIES.
The good thing is, I know it's all crap. Those feelings and thoughts no longer fit who I am. They are currently making an attempt on my life, my progress, my recovery, my beautiful loving kind generous creative articulate kind fun-loving nature. But they are not going to win. HELL NO. Because this time, this time I have tools. I have the love of a God my understanding who cares about me, has a plan for me, sees me as I really am and accepts me unconditionally. I have friends in program I can call, text, or email when I'm having a bad day or feeling this way. I have a sponsor who is there for me, who listens, who can challenge me and support me in this whole recovery process. I have tricks and tools and I am going to kick this negativity's ass.
My sponsor tells me that this program is about tearing down the ego and getting rid of our fears. But the ego does not give up without a fight. It gets scared, scared of change, scared of not being in control, scared of freedom to live life on life's terms and scared of being loved. She said that these feelings are appropriate to where I'm at in the steps and in recovery... I'm on my 8th step, writing down the people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all. Harder than the 4th step, because now I have to actually admit my character defects. I have to actually write how I was arrogant, judgmental, controlling, rigid, jealous, etc. And I know the next step is admitting it out loud, and apologizing directly for some of those things. So instead of turning my trust over to God and surrendering to his will and believing in his love, I turn to obsession and fear and control and self-will.
The feelings aren't going away easily, and I don't like the way they're manifesting themselves (especially the obsession). But I think, or at least I hope, I'm causing too much harm with them. There are some pretty wonderful people in my life I would hate to push away and ruin things with by my crazy thinking. However, I think most of those people know I'm on a journey of self-improvement and can recognize the ebb and flow of it, and have patience and acceptance and tolerance with it.
That's my prayer... for them and for myself.
God almighty. I did not see this coming. I literally hadn't felt so awful in years, at least three years to be exact. All the old feelings of not being good enough came roaring up out of nowhere. I had the most amazing weekend, feeling beautiful, sexy, confident, happy, fun-loving, making close connections with girlfriends, strengthening my spirituality, feeling so good. SO GOOD. And out of freaking NOWHERE comes this torrent of negative self-defeating nasty ugly awful thoughts. Obsession. Constant looking outside of myself to feel better. LIES LIES LIES.
The good thing is, I know it's all crap. Those feelings and thoughts no longer fit who I am. They are currently making an attempt on my life, my progress, my recovery, my beautiful loving kind generous creative articulate kind fun-loving nature. But they are not going to win. HELL NO. Because this time, this time I have tools. I have the love of a God my understanding who cares about me, has a plan for me, sees me as I really am and accepts me unconditionally. I have friends in program I can call, text, or email when I'm having a bad day or feeling this way. I have a sponsor who is there for me, who listens, who can challenge me and support me in this whole recovery process. I have tricks and tools and I am going to kick this negativity's ass.
My sponsor tells me that this program is about tearing down the ego and getting rid of our fears. But the ego does not give up without a fight. It gets scared, scared of change, scared of not being in control, scared of freedom to live life on life's terms and scared of being loved. She said that these feelings are appropriate to where I'm at in the steps and in recovery... I'm on my 8th step, writing down the people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all. Harder than the 4th step, because now I have to actually admit my character defects. I have to actually write how I was arrogant, judgmental, controlling, rigid, jealous, etc. And I know the next step is admitting it out loud, and apologizing directly for some of those things. So instead of turning my trust over to God and surrendering to his will and believing in his love, I turn to obsession and fear and control and self-will.
The feelings aren't going away easily, and I don't like the way they're manifesting themselves (especially the obsession). But I think, or at least I hope, I'm causing too much harm with them. There are some pretty wonderful people in my life I would hate to push away and ruin things with by my crazy thinking. However, I think most of those people know I'm on a journey of self-improvement and can recognize the ebb and flow of it, and have patience and acceptance and tolerance with it.
That's my prayer... for them and for myself.
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