Breaking down walls, one stubborn brick at a time

I can honestly say 2012 has been a struggle for me so far, in a surprising way. I have felt spiritually stuck, and have waged an ongoing inner struggle with myself. I don't want to address the inner struggle so I find ways to externalize it. I've done so by obsessing about a boy, by pulling away from my sponsor then blaming her (and seriously considering for all of 24 hours changing sponsors because "she just doesn't understand me"), trying to force myself to be happy at work, and all kinds of other things. The truth of the matter is, I'm at a crossroads of vulnerability and intimacy. I'm at a serious fork in the road in terms of "do I want to change or is it too hard/painful to do so" and I don't know how to talk about it or deal with it.

I do NOT know how to let people in. It may seem like I know how to listen and how to share. It may seem like I can tell you what's going on with me and share my story or my struggle or my success. The truth is, I can do so as long as I feel safe and able to maintain a certain image. My whole life has been image management, and I am struggling to be completely true to who I am and who I want to be. Because honestly I don't know who either of those people are -- the person I am or the person I want to be. I am defined by my past in one way, and I have some vague hope for the future. But today, in the here and now, in the present moment, I am just this lost little girl who wants to believe she's loved by God and accessible to others but doesn't actually believe either of those things. And it's okay to acknowledge that. It's totally okay to acknowledge that.

I am volunteering at the Children's Museum today and I'm excited about it. We're continuing to do daredevil painting which is FUN. It also means I get to see a program friend who has become a wonderful spiritual sister. In the meantime, I need to call my sponsor and tell her how I'm feeling today. And then I'm going to curl my hair and do my makeup, because sometimes when I feel churned up on the inside, taking care with my outside makes me feel better. "Just for today I will smile. I will keep myself neat and clean. I will be grateful for what I have instead of concentrating on what I don't have." Just for today :)