Gratitude, Humility, and Surrender

I've been trying to write a blog post at least once per week because I have so many thoughts rolling around in my brain and it helps to get it down on paper every so often. So far it's been a great way to share with the great unknown world my own experience, strength, and hope, if such a thing exists :)

This past week was Thanksgiving, and I'm grateful for the reminder to be grateful. Ever since last week when my crazy stories got me in trouble and I had to work consciously on curbing my obsessive thinking, I've been in a funky mood. I was also anticipating how busy this weekend would be at work, and how I wouldn't really get to relax when so many other people get to take a long weekend and even travel "home" or somewhere else to see family or do something fun. For me, not getting caught up in the bitter moments and focusing on all the possible negative can be challenging sometimes. Even reminding myself to be grateful and find (or even write down) things I'm thankful for doesn't always work.

This year, however, I found a quote. I clung to this quote because it carried the weight of a few key words I strive to foster in my own life. The quote came in an email from Tommy Newberry, who's the author of The 4:8 Principle . He's a big believer and proponent of gratitude and positive thinking, and uses Philippians 4:8 (a Bible verse) as his mantra and inspiration. Anyway, the email was talking about Thanksgiving and practicing gratitude. In it, he says "Gratitude is a conviction, a practice, & a discipline. It’s an essential nutrient for the soul, a spiritual amino acid for human growth, creativity & joy."

Wow. Gratitude is an action, a practice, a discipline, a conviction. It is not just some flimsy or whimsical ideal, it is something concrete and tangible that we have to work on every single day. It's like writing a daily blog in order to hone your writing skills, or hitting the batting cages in baseball in order to improve your swing and increase your hitting average. You have to practice gratitude. That means that even if you're not feeling particularly thankful or grateful, you should think about it anyway and make yourself come up with items for a gratitude list or just force yourself to note the people or situations or things you are grateful for at any given day or time, whether it's the little kids playing tag you saw in the park by your house or the friend who called you out of the blue just to say hi. For me, sometimes it's the big picture things ("I'm grateful my relationships with my parents are improving and we can communicate better and more effectively than we ever have") and sometimes it's simple tiny things "I'm grateful for my cat who snuggled with me in bed this morning because she's cute and warm and makes me smile and feel loved.")

The second part of the quote, about it being an essential nutrient for the soul that helps build and grow creativity and joy, really hit home for me. As I continue to take art classes, explore psychological and spiritual principles, hone my hospitality skills, and practice being of humble service every day, I am seeking to grow and strengthen my creativity and my joy. I believe I am creative person, and it's no wonder to me that someone who practices gratitude faithfully is able to have an open mind and heart to the creative process. When you are grateful, you are free. Thankfulness and gratitude open the heart, mind, and soul to receive gifts many would never see. And the smallest act of kindness, the smallest moment of quiet or beauty, the inner space that gratitude provides can lead to the most striking inspiration. The inner space gratitude provides also allows your true self to emerge and allows you to focus on being of service and finding joy in that surrender.

Humility and surrender are near to the top of my prayer list these days. If I'm to overcome my obsessive thinking, it's going to come from a willingness to turn over my crap to God. It's going to happen when I willingly surrender my will to God and allow him to fill my mind and heart with gratitude and the desire to be of service and focus on my singleness of purpose. I didn't used to understand surrender... I wanted to be in charge and thought that I could do it all with God's help, but that God's help was secondary and would just come in terms of strengthening my own will and assets. Now I realize that I can't do it all myself and that my greatest successes will come when I ask for help, get out of the way, and allow God's grace to work through me in his time and in his fashion. It's hard, but the prayer for surrender comes easier, and I understand the necessity of surrender more than I did before.

Hopefully this coming year I will be able to focus more on gratitude, allowing space for my creativity to grow and my joy to overflow. I hope to continue asking for the willingness to surrender and be of humble service, so that God's will may be done and I may find peace, serenity, and joy in watching his will work in my life.

"I make up these stories in my head"

There is a reason I was always good at creative writing. It was because I was great at making up these grand stories in my head, where I had "real" conversations with people that didn't exist (or with people who existed that I had never actually met or been friends with). I would make up these grandiose connections and somehow make myself look and feel important in them - either pitied, or "special", or a "tragic hero" type figure. Whether it was pretending I had an older brother who was sent away when I was five and never heard from again, being officially accepted into the competitive dance lines at my studio and being friends with all of them, or even the normal "daydream turned obsession" about whatever boy I had a crush on at the time, I was great at making up stories.

I laugh, though, because "was" actually means "am." I may not have the same daydreams or storytelling (in my head) about being special or having a unique connection to any particular group. I'm happy to say I have real friends, real groups I belong to, and am more self-confident in my ability to be and keep good friends. However, the "making up stories in my head" business STILL comes into play with regards to boys and relationships. I think I feel this connection with someone, and I start to daydream about what it would be like to date that person, and before you know I've made us soulmates and am obsessed with creating an intimacy and developing a closeness that may or may not have existed before.

Now, this is not to say that closeness and intimacy with these boys does not or cannot exist. I just push it too hard, and I try to force it, and I don't really allow anything natural to develop at all. This is a really ugly pattern, and one I really want to change. However, I know I cannot change it myself (thank God). I also know that I'm not quite in a place or space or mind frame TO change it. My sponsor says it takes time, and she says working through my fourth and fifth and sixth steps will help a lot (4th step being the big one... 5 and 6 are just conversations and prayer... REALLY important conversations and prayer, but not the same amount of writing and internal reflecting that the 4th step entails).

So... I'm going to keep trying to take steps back, try to offer up my obsessive thinking, try to focus on living in the present and using my resources and doing my work and being of service. I'm going to let go of my need to be or have someone be something specific to me right now, or ever. I'm going to focus on changing myself - my own thinking and attitudes and not worrying what might or might not be happening in my life regarding another person. I want to give "...whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise" (Philippians 4:8) the chance to grow and mature and breathe.

Creativity Abounds!

I love being in art classes. When I was growing up, I always loved the art projects for class. Creative writing projects probably came first, but art/craft projects probably came a very close second. Both stretched the bounds of my limited analytical thinking, and both allowed me to express myself safely without fear of criticism. Somehow I always knew that it was what I thought about them that mattered the most. If I colored a picture for a coloring contest and liked how it turned out, if I was pleased with the story or essay, if I liked the way I was able to master some skill in some fashion for an art project, it did not matter to me if anyone else liked it. I'm sure in some form or fashion I wanted to be liked and for my things to be approved of and appreciated, and I know that was true in a number of OTHER things in my life. But in terms of my creativity, I think I've always felt some freedom and peace in my expression.

That doesn't mean I don't have insecurities about it. I am terrified that my art will not be good enough to allow me a place in the occupation of art therapy. It doesn't matter that I do have skill and talent, that I am working hard to perfect and grow those skills and talents, AND that I have a great ability to talk about my creative process and my completed works. I know I have what it takes to be a successful, compassionate, creative, and wonderful art therapist. But I'm still insecure about my ability to be seen in a professional environment as a strong and talented artist when there are so many people in the field who have art degrees and backgrounds.

The blessing of my life journey this past year is that I am seeing my insecurities more clearly AND I'm learning to proactively work to change them versus working to change my reactions to them. I still need to be aware of and change how I react to my insecurities and be watchful and mindful of how they can play out in my interactions with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. However, how I have the ability and willingness to look one step deeper and attack the insecurities themselves.

For example, WHY do I feel insecure in my art abilities? Well, probably because I've only been taking classes for three semesters and am still very new to the drawing and painting scenes. I'm still very inexperienced with the media, even if I have shown some aptitude for them in my classes. Well, one way to improve and become more confident in a skill such as drawing or painting is to practice! And out of that thought came the inspiration to create a small 8x10 painting for each of my family members for Christmas, AND to use a few of my photography assignment prints to create gifts for a couple friends.

These projects will not only give me practice working with different media, they will also be great additions to my portfolio, will allow me to create something of myself for people I like, and will probably inspire future projects!

I'm very excited about what the next month will bring in terms of my art and creative endeavors. I continue to work on writing my 4th step, which is about the extent of my creative writing these days (except these occasional blog posts). I am contemplating what classes to take next semester and believe I am close to deciding on two classes. I think I will be able to create my portfolio next summer without too much hassle or fear. I am really looking forward to continuing this creative journey and seeing what will come out of my untapped imagination next!

Can't Sleep

It's after 4:30 in the morning and I've been wide awake for almost two hours after sleeping for only three hours previously. I have no idea why that is. Perhaps my body didn't like the caffeinated beverage at 4:30 p.m.? I've had soda after 4:00 before, I didn't think espresso was that much different. I only had a tall size, which is only one shot of espresso. I was falling asleep on the train to the meeting and was sleeping during the meeting at moments. Then on my walk back I seemed to pick up a bit, but still felt tired. But after talking to Audrey and hanging out for a couple hours before she went to bed, I was suddenly wide awake. I stayed up until 11:30, which is weird, especially considering how tired I had been yesterday (today? hard to tell what to call it at this point). And then I woke up to go to the bathroom after tossing and turning and coming out of a dream sleep a little before 3:00 a.m. And rather than toss and turn trying to force myself to go back to sleep, I grabbed the computer and decided to bum around on here. I got my Gmail inbox cleaned out (normally that puts me to sleep... no luck). I planned out some of my Christmas shopping list, though being a very broke student I don't have much to BUY. I had a little snack of Honey Nut Cheerios and chocolate chips (with milk of course) because my stomach was GROWLING and figured if I was up for 90 minutes a middle of the night meal or snack was okay. We burn calories while sleeping anyway, or so I've been told.

So I decided it was time to put "pen to paper" so to speak, and write another entry, this one a bit more personal. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel the need to put it out into the void of cosmic blog-land.

My roommate has this great phrase called "the possibility of the possibility." She uses it primarily in terms of this ongoing "romantic interest that isn't anything more than friendship though there have been a few romantic-type moments the few times we've hung out and we talk every day regularly throughout the day" situation she has with a friend in the Atlanta area. She and I live in Chicago, and she's only met the man a few times. But after spending time together in October, they talked and both were open to "the possibility of the possibility." What this means is they would both be interested in seeing if something progressed further, but neither are in a place (in life, geographically, etc.) to actively pursue something so they're just remaining really good friends knowing this other aspect of the friendship is a possibility they're both open to exploring someday.

I wish I had my roommates self-awareness and ability to be content in that kind of situation. I too have a guy in my life I'd love to explore a romantic possibility with. It's someone I've known for almost half my life. We were friends in high school, and reconnected second semester of freshman year of college, and have been good friends ever since. We know so much about each other, and we can talk about anything. He's someone I rely on for prayers and support with family stuff, encouragement in terms of school and faith formation activities, laughter, comfort, and more. Off and on over the years I've wondered if something could ever exist between us. I remember one specific instance sitting outside on the porch of the town house in Maple Grove I lived in, and we were talking about relationships (we were in college, I don't remember how old, maybe the summer between sophomore and junior year). And it was just a fleeting thing, nothing serious, we both just brushed it off. I think I asked and he kind of brushed it off. There have been other moments when I've wondered... and I've been in various stages of how I felt about it.

It took over a year to get over my ex, and has taken a second full year to get myself back into some semblance of mental health and confidence. Al-Anon has helped a great deal, as has living with a roommate who knows, understands, loves, challenges, supports, encourages, and helps me. We have an amazing friendship and roommate relationship, and I couldn't ask for a better roommate or living situation. I swear that whenever I do enter into a romantic relationship again, or marriage, or whatever, I have an awesome example of what a healthy relationship of ANY sort looks like. We over-communicate, listen, support, encourage, share the chores and daily living tasks, can stand up for ourselves yet also be kind and thoughtful and aware of the other person's needs and feelings. If we disagree we either reach a compromise or agree to disagree. It's wonderful.

She also knows me so well by now, and has walked this first year of Al-Anon with me (as has this guy friend). She knows all about my most recent ex-relationship. When I've talked to her about this boy situation and my friend back home, she gets it. She has met him and totally approves, and she knows where I'm at with being open to a romantic possibility again.

Here's the thing. I don't want to push, I don't want to manipulate, I don't want to rush, I don't want to control, I don't want to try to force my way. I don't know if this is something God wants for me, and I'm trying to be open to his will and not mine. For so long, especially in romantic relationships, I've been the driving force in making it happen or keeping it going. I've initiated every single relationship I've been in, even my high school boyfriend (I asked him to our Sadie Hawkins dance, where girls ask boys, though he did take the next step and ask me to the Winter Formal... but it was when we were hanging out one night after that where I brought up us and we had to talk about whether we were dating or not). With my most recent ex, I recognized a signal that he was attracted to me and interested, and I initiated activities that encouraged it, then he kissed me and we began dating. I also initiated each of the break-ups with that particular ex. I think so much of it was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I was young and immature and didn't know how to handle the seriousness and the intensity of the relationship. I think we were both too young and immature, and I don't think either of us knew what we REALLY wanted, even though we talked very seriously about marriage for a good portion of our relationship and seemed to be on the same page.

The next time I start dating, I don't want to be the one that has to initiate the whole thing. I want to be able to share a mutual attraction, and let the guy take the lead for once. I want to be content waiting, and I want to be content maybe opening the door 85% and being content waiting for him (whoever "he" may be) to come the final 15%. (this is a take on a reference in the movie "Hitch" if anyone has seen it, when he's talking about goodnight kisses). In terms of this one particular guy, I know he's shy. I know he has a hard time being vulnerable, even with me and he's known me for a LONG time. Last Christmas when I casually brought it up, he said it's difficult to start something long-distance (he's back home in Minnesota, and I'm in Chicago). However, I said, "It doesn't sound like you're totally against the possibility/idea." and he must have said something to affirm that because I remember responding, "Well that's all I need to know right now."

Over the course of this past year we've grown closer again, reconnected as friends, talked more regularly than we have in years, he came to visit in August, and even met a few of my girlfriends. In the past month or so, I've become increasingly aware how grateful I am for his presence, increasingly aware of my attraction towards him, and increasingly wishful in regards to us being in the same city or being able to see what could possibly be. But I can't make it be something it's not, and I can't make it be something NOW if it's meant to be something at all.

So I guess what it all boils down to is this... I'm open to a possibility, to "the possibility of a possibility" of a romantic connection and future with a friend I care deeply about. I think he's open to it in some capacity, but we're 400 miles apart, we're both in jobs not related to the career goals we have, and I think in some respects we're both scared. I don't know what I want, and I sure as hell don't know what HE wants. What I DO know is I've got so much more personal work to do before I can really be in a long-term serious relationship. I am just starting my 4th step, which is the "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. After I clear all that garbage away and eventually start making amends, I'll be in a much different place.

Can I be patient and wait for God to give me a clue as to what my future holds romantically? Can I allow him to pick the person who will sweep me off my feet and fight for me? Can I give my will over to God and ask him to give me the trust and faith it will take to not try to fix, manage, and control whatever relationship I have next?

I hope so. I'm certainly going to try.

WAIT and THINK

My Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting is a literature meeting, meaning we read a section from a specific conference-approved book and our personal sharing revolves around the themes said reading evokes. A couple weeks ago the reading was from the section on slogans, specifically a section called "Think."

We joke about this slogan because one of the biggest reasons we are in Al-Anon for help is because we've spent our lives thinking too much. We try to "fix, manage, and control" and tend to over-think and over-analyze. As it says in the suggested opening, "Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it." But what the slogan "Think" is trying to help us remember is that 1. we can STOP and THINK when we're about to react, and 2. we have choices in how we allow our thoughts to manifest themselves in words and actions. "Think" from a program perspective becomes about allowing our higher power to enter into our space, and help us take a step back to think through our choices and find the best response before we offer a knee-jerk reaction that we will in all likelihood have to apologize for later.

A friend who shared at this meeting gave two great acronyms to help us remember to WAIT and THINK before acting and speaking. Here's my personal summary of what I heard: When tempted to act/react without thinking, ask if your word or action is Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind (THINK). Then think about whether to say or do. Also, consider "Why Am I Talking?" (WAIT) Sometimes it is better to be quiet and listen.

I'm so grateful for this reminder. I hope it's helpful for others as well!