Surrender versus Self-Will

I will try to be responsibly brief tonight, but this topic is a concept I've struggled with for a long time and have recently been exploring in much greater detail. One of the reasons I came into program, whether I realized it at the time or not, was that my way of doing things was not working anymore. I was not finding the ultimate key to happiness, I did not seem to be able to change my behavior or at least the outcomes resulting from my behavior, and I could not figure out what to do. I was at a loss.

As I've listened over the years and worked the first 7 steps of Al-Anon, I've come to realize that I was totally reliant on self-will before program and THAT was my biggest problem. For the longest time, since I was a little girl, I thought that things had to be done my way and in my time frame. I thought that I could only rely on myself because everyone else kept letting me down. My friends all abandoned me, my mom was always working, my dad wasn't available, my teachers were great but they were teachers they weren't part of my every day social life, etc. It was all about "them" and all about the external forces not meeting my expectations. I thought it was all up to me, and therefore I couldn't be happy or content if things weren't done to my specifications or "desires."

Well, you can imagine where that kind of thinking got me. "Restless, irritable, and discontent." Luckily, I'm not an alcoholic nor am I a drug addict. I did not look for a substance to fill the empty spaces in my life. I may have felt depressed and actually BEEN depressed for short periods of time, and felt alone and unlovable. But I didn't turn to alcohol and I didn't turn to substances.

I did, however, keep looking outside of myself for that "something" that would make me feel okay and fill me up spiritually. I tried looking for God in religion, going to Mass regularly and going on retreats and trying small faith-sharing groups, etc. When Sully and I were together, I thought sharing in faith-related things was essential to the long-term happiness of our relationship. What I didn't realize is I was still relying on something outside of me to fill me up and make things okay. I was still relying on self-will, because if I controlled Sully, our relationship, our mutual participation in faith-based activities, the conversations we had, the topics we covered, etc., everything would be okay. It was all up to me.

I was so selfish and self-seeking and self-absorbed. I was judgmental and consumed by self-indulgent self-will. When did I ever just say, "God, I believe you have my best interest at heart. I believe you have me in your care. I trust that your will will be done if I just turn it over to you." I didn't. I didn't know how to say those things, not with a true spirit of surrender. I would pray that, but think of all the ways I could help make his will happen. Right. Not helpful.

In the last year, I've spent time writing about my part in certain relationships and where I was wrong in certain situations. I've come to see where my self-will and my inability to see God in a given situation has caused harm and has led to irritability and discontent, not peace and serenity. I've slowly come to learn, bit by bit, inch by inch, what surrender looks like.

Today, what surrender looks like is this - I do truly believe God has my life in his care. I don't know what it's going to look like in a week, two weeks, two months, two years. I may have an idea of what I think I'd like to happen, but I don't spend much time thinking about it, because in reality I realize I just don't know. I have seen my life, my feelings, my emotions, my energy change from day to day and week to week, and I've watched things pop into my life I would not have seen coming no matter how hard I looked. I am so blessed, and I am so grateful for the miracles and gifts and blessings I experience every day.

One of the areas I find hardest to surrender my will to is regarding relationships. I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it more in the future I'm sure. I think I know what I want - marriage, a family, a partner, kids of my own, etc - but even writing my "ideal relationship" I now realize I really don't know what I want or what God has planned for me. I have no idea. I am open to whatever God puts in my path. I am going to keep doing the footwork - keep working on my steps, keeping showing up as a friend to the women and men I've become friends with in program (especially one man I could potentially be interested in), to talk to my parents every week, to do little action steps around getting my financial affairs in order, etc. In regards to that one man, I have so much to learn about surrendering. We've been friends for a while now, and although I've found him attractive since I met him, most of the time we've known each other we've been just friends. We have developed a really strong friendship, and part of me believes I would be just as happy having him as an older brother type figure as a potential partner. Because I don't really know what either scenario would look like, and I honestly don't know which one is more in our best interests according to God's will and plan for us. But I very frequently have to literally pause in my place (standing, walking, whatever), take a deep breath and let it out long and low, let go of the feeling of spinning and anxiety and worry, and just say "I trust you God. I have no idea what your plan is for me/us. I believe we are both in your care and you love us and want what's best for us and more will be revealed in your time." It helps, it really truly helps.

It also helps being able to talk about it. My roommate knows, but it's hard to talk about it with her frequently because it gets obsessive and if I feel that way I know it's time to stop. Same with my sponsor - she knows, and I'll keep telling her if I'm feeling overwhelmed, and then I'll her what my prayer is and what my actions are, and we'll go from there. It's enough that she knows and I can tell her, but she often just tells me (in different ways and with different suggestions) to turn it over, where is God in it, let it go, if it's meant to happen it will happen. I've told a couple non-program friends, but they don't fully understand Al-Anon so being able to advise and empathize in this situation is somewhat limited. Which is why I was so grateful this past weekend I was finally able to tell two program friends about it... one because she asked if this guy and I were dating (say what?! she said she sensed a vibe there) and the other because the need to share came up as we spent time together on the way home from the conference. I'm so relieved and grateful to now have 3 program friends who know, because they can give me the program speak I need and ALSO give me the girlfriend empathy I also desperately need. I'm so so so grateful to have found a way to get that off my chest. It's such a blessing. We're only as sick as our secrets and being able to name it out loud to people, appropriate trustworthy people in appropriate places and situations, helps me surrender and not stay stuck in my head (which is a form of self-will).

So now I send this to the void... I pray for peace and restfulness tonight. I pray for the man I mentioned tonight, another man who I think will be disappointed I no longer wish to reciprocate flirtations with, and a prayer for acceptance and patience with whatever ultimate plan God has for me and the length of time it takes for it to be revealed. Amen.

(so much for responsibly brief... sorry!)