I've been aware over the past 7 weeks or so that my relationship with God and my relationship with organized religion are on two different paths. While I feel like I am closer to God than I ever have been before, I've also felt very separated from the Church and from a "worship" community. Don't get my wrong, this separation is not a negative thing. I actually feel more confident in my belief and faith in God than I ever have. The daily prayers I say are not just words:
"God, I offer myself to you, to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to your love, your power, and your way of life. May I do your will always." (Third Step Prayer)
"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen." (Seventh Step Prayer)
"Give me a willing heart, oh God: willingness to take care of myself, to ask for what I need, to turn things over to you, and to be of humble service." (my own prayer)
Combined with reading the section from "How it Works" and the meditations in "Courage to Change", I feel inspired and connected to my higher power, whom I call God, every day. Each of these offers 1-2 line reminders I can touch base with throughout the day, to ground me, and remind me why I'm here. I'm here to be of service to others. I'm here to love and serve God, and love and serve others. I actually heard that in last night's Holy Thursday homily, though I didn't get it right away. Fr. Manny at St. Clement Church talked about Holy Thursday being the feast of the stole and the towel - the stole representing unity between us and the Eucharist (Jesus' ultimate gift of self/love and his covenant/promise to us) and the towel representing Jesus' and our unity with humanity (washing of the feet was a sign of service and humility, a humbling of God to wash the feet/serve/forgive humanity). Love and serve. That is our primary purpose!
It was good to be at Holy Thursday service last night. I love St. Clement's liturgies - there is always sincerity and reverence and power in them, especially their Triduum services. And although it felt good to be back in a familiar place with familiar ritual, I didn't feel connected to them. It didn't mean anything to me. I participated, and I prayed, but I did not feel connected or inspired or fulfilled. I come out of my Al-Anon meetings feeling much more connected to God, much more inspired, much stronger and lighter and freer than I do coming out of church. I never thought this would happen... I should be surprised but I'm not. Al-Anon and the 12 steps have broken down a complicated spirituality built around rules, traditions, rigidness, politics, and human flaws into its most basic foundation. While I don't currently feel I have a worship community, I also don't feel I need one. I DO have a faith community, my Al-Anon community, and for right now I think that's all I need.
I am not anti-Church or anti-religion. I know both offer many of my friends and family members and millions of others a place of belonging and inspiration and love. It's just not where I'm at in my faith journey. God and I are working on strengthening and learning what the foundation of our relationship is, on building up trust in him and believing in the love he has for me (and love I have for him, myself, and others). I could NEVER do that in the context of a church setting, no matter how many retreats I went on or days of reflection I attended, no matter what I did for spiritual direction or how many different churches/Masses I tried, no matter how much I tried to learn and intellectualize my faith. I never really grew and I felt my faith never really deepened. I often felt stuck.
Faith is about having the courage to believe in God no matter what happens in your life, to trust him when you feel all alone and vulnerable, to learn to love and accept love because you KNOW he loves you no matter what (and always has). There is a REASON the 12 steps were written in the order they were written. Steps 1-3 build the foundation for this courage, faith, acceptance, etc. The 4th step is hard, it is challenging, it threatens all of the faith and courage and changes and love one starts to experience in the first three steps. It strips you completely bare, and then you get to start over and rebuild from the ground up, basing your life and identity and structure on the GOOD inside you, the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE God has for you (and you learn to have for yourself). Your faith may be tested, it may be shaky at times, you may want to give up and run away. But deep down, hopefully, you know you're safe and taken care of, and that is enough.
I know this is what's happening for me, and I am grateful to have found Al-Anon and the 12 steps to help me finally deepen and grow in my faith. I reflect on this now because it's Easter weekend, and I haven't participated in Lent at all. I went to Holy Thursday service, but I will probably skip Good Friday. I may go to Mass Sunday morning for Easter, but I'll decide tomorrow or Sunday. It's not an important part of my spiritual journey right now. And while I would normally feel guilty, I don't. I will never apologize for trying to improve my relationship with God, regardless of whether the 12 steps took me out of my "Catholic" faith community and beliefs. It's not important to me how I grow closer to God, just that I am. For now, THAT is enough.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I don't have to be the same person I was
This past week was incredibly painful. Last night I read an entry in the Archdiocese of Chicago's Young Adult Ministry Lenten Reflection Blog about the difference between pain and suffering. Christina shares this insight, "We as humans are able to tolerate so much pain – knowing that our pain is getting us somewhere or it is some form of tough love. But when our pain isn’t productive, we can easily begin to suffer in our disappointment."
The pain I experienced this past week was emotional pain, yes, but it did not quite reach the threshold of suffering. I cried and sobbed and grieved, but it was part of the process I'm in. I finished writing all my resentments, what they affected, and what my part was for grade school on Wednesday night. I was only 14 years into my 28-year life story, and already I saw patterns. I easily saw the reasons why I couldn't seem to make or keep friends, and I easily saw how little self-esteem and self-confidence I had from the time I was very little. I saw how I got stuck in my head and relied on my own distorted views of life because I was an only child, a latchkey kid, and didn't have any peers or reliable adult role models. I saw how clingy I was, how hard I tried to fit in, how I tried to force friendships and connections and shut down when things didn't seem to be going my way. I saw how selfish I was, but I grieved for the little girl who felt she had to be that selfish to survive.
Immediately after grade school is high school, obviously, and I discovered something I probably knew in the back of my mind but didn't really address until I started writing. The first resentment on my high school list is actually my #1 resentment from my entire life, which is amazing to me. However, the three years I spent on dance team were probably the last three years I ever truly threw my entire heart and soul into something. And I was constantly let down, constantly left out, constantly not good enough. When I finally decided to quit dance team after junior year, it was also when my friendships with people I'd known since 9th grade were getting flushed down the toilet because of a stupid mistake on my part (and an unwillingness to try and reconcile/work it out on their part). Writing about dance team was the hardest writing I've ever had to do. It physically made me ill, and I could hardly put pen to paper. I wrote about choir next, another set I struggled to stay detached from while writing. Next I'm writing about that group of girlfriends where everything went wrong and I've been ostracized from them for 11 years. High School does not have a lot of positive memories for me, and I know it'll all be hard writing. I'm trying to keep pushing through and keep writing, but it is painful.
But like Christina distinguished, it has not moved into the stage of suffering. This pain has a purpose, absolutely 100% has a purpose. The 12 Steps are about Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. I'm becoming aware of my patterns, my former ways of doing things. I have to learn to accept them, accept the past that happened, and then let it all go. I have to accept that sometimes I'll still act out of these deep-rooted patterns, but I can now let them go and accept whatever outcome. I can also take action - I can't change the past, but I can make amends and apologize for wrong-doing on my part. I can also change my behaviors so I don't continue the patterns to the best of my ability in the future. All of this requires an enormous courage and reliance on God. There are days I feel it, there are times I know I'm taken care of and loved by a wise and wonderful and gentle and loving higher power. But writing about high school, I just feel all the crap, I don't feel loved, and so I struggle with that reminder that God loved me then and still loves me now.
What I have to remember is this: I am not the same person I was 14 years ago when I started high school. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago when I graduated, or 6 years ago when I left college, or 3 years ago when Sully and I broke up, or 18 months ago when I entered the rooms for the first time. I am not the same person I was, AND I DON'T HAVE TO BE! I get to be different today. I get to choose how I want to act, and what I want to say. I can choose a more loving, caring, gentle, happy track. I don't have to rely on other people to tell me who I am or tell me I'm accepted. I get to find and create and have my OWN identity. I get to know I'm loved and accepted, just by trusting in God, and learning to love and accept myself.
I know I still struggle with some of the patterns I'm seeing. The boy at work is getting the same treatment my dear friend Ryan did all throughout college. How and why Ryan stuck around I will never know, because I was completely crazy with him. But he did, and he's now one of my dearest friends, and his fiance Julie is as well. I struggle with feeling like I have to force connections with people I feel connected to - I just want to create that intimacy and have that friendship and I want it NOW. Sometimes I can let it go, and just let things take time. Sometimes, I can't. Luckily, I think I'm learning to pull back and RELAX and breathe quicker than I did before, so even when I get intense and needy and pushy, like I did this week when I was caught up in all the emotion and grief of my 4th step, I can pull back and let go a little bit easier. I don't have to put up a wall or shut down my emotions, I just need to be more appropriate with how, where, when, why, and to whom I express them.
It's a learning process, and a painful one sometimes, but I'm getting there.
The pain I experienced this past week was emotional pain, yes, but it did not quite reach the threshold of suffering. I cried and sobbed and grieved, but it was part of the process I'm in. I finished writing all my resentments, what they affected, and what my part was for grade school on Wednesday night. I was only 14 years into my 28-year life story, and already I saw patterns. I easily saw the reasons why I couldn't seem to make or keep friends, and I easily saw how little self-esteem and self-confidence I had from the time I was very little. I saw how I got stuck in my head and relied on my own distorted views of life because I was an only child, a latchkey kid, and didn't have any peers or reliable adult role models. I saw how clingy I was, how hard I tried to fit in, how I tried to force friendships and connections and shut down when things didn't seem to be going my way. I saw how selfish I was, but I grieved for the little girl who felt she had to be that selfish to survive.
Immediately after grade school is high school, obviously, and I discovered something I probably knew in the back of my mind but didn't really address until I started writing. The first resentment on my high school list is actually my #1 resentment from my entire life, which is amazing to me. However, the three years I spent on dance team were probably the last three years I ever truly threw my entire heart and soul into something. And I was constantly let down, constantly left out, constantly not good enough. When I finally decided to quit dance team after junior year, it was also when my friendships with people I'd known since 9th grade were getting flushed down the toilet because of a stupid mistake on my part (and an unwillingness to try and reconcile/work it out on their part). Writing about dance team was the hardest writing I've ever had to do. It physically made me ill, and I could hardly put pen to paper. I wrote about choir next, another set I struggled to stay detached from while writing. Next I'm writing about that group of girlfriends where everything went wrong and I've been ostracized from them for 11 years. High School does not have a lot of positive memories for me, and I know it'll all be hard writing. I'm trying to keep pushing through and keep writing, but it is painful.
But like Christina distinguished, it has not moved into the stage of suffering. This pain has a purpose, absolutely 100% has a purpose. The 12 Steps are about Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. I'm becoming aware of my patterns, my former ways of doing things. I have to learn to accept them, accept the past that happened, and then let it all go. I have to accept that sometimes I'll still act out of these deep-rooted patterns, but I can now let them go and accept whatever outcome. I can also take action - I can't change the past, but I can make amends and apologize for wrong-doing on my part. I can also change my behaviors so I don't continue the patterns to the best of my ability in the future. All of this requires an enormous courage and reliance on God. There are days I feel it, there are times I know I'm taken care of and loved by a wise and wonderful and gentle and loving higher power. But writing about high school, I just feel all the crap, I don't feel loved, and so I struggle with that reminder that God loved me then and still loves me now.
What I have to remember is this: I am not the same person I was 14 years ago when I started high school. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago when I graduated, or 6 years ago when I left college, or 3 years ago when Sully and I broke up, or 18 months ago when I entered the rooms for the first time. I am not the same person I was, AND I DON'T HAVE TO BE! I get to be different today. I get to choose how I want to act, and what I want to say. I can choose a more loving, caring, gentle, happy track. I don't have to rely on other people to tell me who I am or tell me I'm accepted. I get to find and create and have my OWN identity. I get to know I'm loved and accepted, just by trusting in God, and learning to love and accept myself.
I know I still struggle with some of the patterns I'm seeing. The boy at work is getting the same treatment my dear friend Ryan did all throughout college. How and why Ryan stuck around I will never know, because I was completely crazy with him. But he did, and he's now one of my dearest friends, and his fiance Julie is as well. I struggle with feeling like I have to force connections with people I feel connected to - I just want to create that intimacy and have that friendship and I want it NOW. Sometimes I can let it go, and just let things take time. Sometimes, I can't. Luckily, I think I'm learning to pull back and RELAX and breathe quicker than I did before, so even when I get intense and needy and pushy, like I did this week when I was caught up in all the emotion and grief of my 4th step, I can pull back and let go a little bit easier. I don't have to put up a wall or shut down my emotions, I just need to be more appropriate with how, where, when, why, and to whom I express them.
It's a learning process, and a painful one sometimes, but I'm getting there.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Creative Identity
God moments came in all shapes and sizes. Last fall, the receptionist at my eye doctor's office and I got to chatting, and it turned out a friend of hers was interested in art therapy too. The receptionist thought her friend was already in the program I mentioned, but it turned out she was just interested in applying there. Five months after we have this conversation, she suggests us as friends on Facebook. We have now been hanging out and chatting, and are quickly becoming friends. Not only do we share a passion for art and art therapy, but I've also found I can share program principles with her. 
The timing of us meeting and the topics we've already been able to discuss are profound, and truly make me appreciate the patience and trust I've learned and gained throughout my 18 months in program. It has also given me a new lens to reflect on my own journey into the career path of art therapy, and my own personal creative journey.
During her interview for the Masters program last week, some of the questions she said they asked centered on obstacles in life, art therapy, what it means, why she wants to do it, etc. The personal statement portion of the application has a similar outline - "Why this school, why art therapy, why now?" I think about what my creative outlets used to be, and why I seek to be an art therapist. I used to be scrapbook and journal as my primary artistic outlets. However, I don't scrapbook at all anymore, and my writing is now in the form of blog posts (and 4th step writing). I see those old outlets in a new way - journal-writing had a tendency to be obsessive and analytical, trying to fix, manage, control, solve, and change through writing about the same topics all the time. Taking photos and making scrapbooks proved I was there, I was accepted, I was part of something, I was included. I don't need to prove I'm part of something anymore, and I don't need to obsessively analyze situations. I have a different way of processing (praying, talking it out with a sponsor or friend, then letting go of the outcome and making amends if I did something wrong). I also have a different motivation for being creative - I want to help people, and I want to express myself, whoever I am (I'm still learning). I want to use the practice of art-making and the varied and mixed media available to me to create pieces that represent me. They don't have to prove anything, and they don't even have to have a particular underlying meaning unless I attach one. I just want to express myself and make something cool.
It is a complete God-thing that I'm working through these first 4-7 steps while I'm
taking pre-requisites for an art therapy Masters program and shaping/discovering my own creative identity. I'm learning to put faith and trust in God and his will for me, and I'm shedding old behaviors (personal relationships and old ways of expressing myself creatively), behaviors that don't work or fit for me anymore. I get to uncover my personal AND creative identity all at the same time, which is a tremendous blessing. Who knows what either will look like by the time I turn in my grad school application in November. It doesn't matter, because I'm content being in the process, letting go of the outcome, and am enjoying the fruits of the journey so far.
During her interview for the Masters program last week, some of the questions she said they asked centered on obstacles in life, art therapy, what it means, why she wants to do it, etc. The personal statement portion of the application has a similar outline - "Why this school, why art therapy, why now?" I think about what my creative outlets used to be, and why I seek to be an art therapist. I used to be scrapbook and journal as my primary artistic outlets. However, I don't scrapbook at all anymore, and my writing is now in the form of blog posts (and 4th step writing). I see those old outlets in a new way - journal-writing had a tendency to be obsessive and analytical, trying to fix, manage, control, solve, and change through writing about the same topics all the time. Taking photos and making scrapbooks proved I was there, I was accepted, I was part of something, I was included. I don't need to prove I'm part of something anymore, and I don't need to obsessively analyze situations. I have a different way of processing (praying, talking it out with a sponsor or friend, then letting go of the outcome and making amends if I did something wrong). I also have a different motivation for being creative - I want to help people, and I want to express myself, whoever I am (I'm still learning). I want to use the practice of art-making and the varied and mixed media available to me to create pieces that represent me. They don't have to prove anything, and they don't even have to have a particular underlying meaning unless I attach one. I just want to express myself and make something cool.
It is a complete God-thing that I'm working through these first 4-7 steps while I'm
taking pre-requisites for an art therapy Masters program and shaping/discovering my own creative identity. I'm learning to put faith and trust in God and his will for me, and I'm shedding old behaviors (personal relationships and old ways of expressing myself creatively), behaviors that don't work or fit for me anymore. I get to uncover my personal AND creative identity all at the same time, which is a tremendous blessing. Who knows what either will look like by the time I turn in my grad school application in November. It doesn't matter, because I'm content being in the process, letting go of the outcome, and am enjoying the fruits of the journey so far.
Inner Contentment
I know I've shared this before, but when I came into Al-Anon, it was on the cusp of a wise friend observing that I rely too much on other people for my own happiness. He was totally right, and I knew I needed help. It's been 18 months since I started coming to meetings, and I see a huge difference. I'm finally learning to have patience with myself and trust in God's will for me. My heart is willing to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn hopes and expectations and outcomes over to God, and be of humble service. As the Big Book of AA suggests, I have not maintained anything like perfect adherence to these principles, but I claim spiritual progress (not spiritual perfection) (p. 58-60)
I know I've made progress because of how I've handled the recent boy situation. I've acted with "ease and grace" more than I ever would've thought possible before. I spent a week isolating from the boy, giving him the cold shoulder, being very selfish and self-seeking in making the situation all about me. I realized things wouldn't improve unless I was able to let it go and just focus on being myself. I was spending too much energy on the negative feelings, when I would be freer by accepting things as they are and moving on. I made the decision to just be myself around him, to go back to my friendly and cheerful personality. And I let go of any expectation for us. I had hoped we could talk about things and I could explain my behavior, but for the first time ever I didn't force it. My primary goal at the moment was to just be able to be comfortable around each other again. I didn't want to put up walls, but I also didn't force a solution. By just letting go of the awkwardness and letting go of any expectations for future interactions, we've been able to go back to pre-flirtation normality. I never would've done this before, and I'm incredibly grateful I was able to this time. I didn't cause any more harm, and we now have a chance to start over and potentially be friends.
Not surprisingly, the readings at my Tuesday night meeting the past few weeks have totally fit this part of my journey. One week we talked about Tradition Seven, which says "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." On page 115 of How Al-Anon Works, it says "Before Al-Anon, we often looked outside of ourselves for our peace of mind. In Al-Anon, we learn to take responsibility for our own recovery... we realize we no longer need to look for inner contentment outside of ourselves." This week, in reading about Changed Attitudes, the book read, "Before we can take effective action, before we can actually change a negative outlook to a positive one or change self-pity to gratitude, we have to accept ourselves precisely as we are." (p. 77) We also read this about expectations, "There is no better way to make ourselves feel victimized and helpless than by harboring unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, or by confusing expectations with needs and insisting they be met. Attaching our well-being to a particular action or outcome is risky... By seeking only the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out (Step Eleven), we make great strides towards developing an unshakeable inner peace and sense of security that cannot be threatened by mere circumstances." (p. 80)
So basically these readings and my recent boy experience boil down to this:
1. Before any change can happen, I have to accept myself exactly as I am. Acceptance is the first step because it helps us have a foundation on which to build lasting. For me, acceptance of myself means I accept how God made me, and I trust in God's will for me. No matter what happens externally, I know that inside I am loved, I am taken care of, and I am okay just as I am. Self-acceptance allows me to clear out the clutter of my life without losing myself or feeling lost. I also had to accept the boy and the situation as they were, because otherwise I would try to control and change them when they aren't within my responsibility or capacity to change or control. By accepting the reality of today, I can be open to choices and opportunities that can lead to positive changes and moves forward.
2. Expectations are not the same as needs. Attaching our well-being to particular actions or outcomes is risky. Expectations are hopes and anticipations that a certain outcome will result from a certain action. Expectations can be healthy, but often we (me, you, Al-Anons, those not in program, everyone) carry unrealistic expectations for other people. We expect things to be OUR way, or we think we NEED them to be a certain way to be successful, helpful, etc. We are not flexible in listening to a different perspective, following a different (but equally good or possibly better) method or course of action, and allowing mistakes. I know I used to be this way, and it caused nothing by frustration and resentment (on my part and on the part of others I tried to manage and control). I am learning to have realistic and appropriate expectations of other people, and to go into situations sometimes without ANY expectations. I have also discovered that my needs are a lot simpler than they used to be, and that truly all I need can be provided by my higher power (God) if I let him.
In any relationship - romantic, friendship, family, work - it is imperative that I accept myself just as I am before I can be an effective and positive contributor to the relationship. I can go into a situation with hopes or an idea of possible outcomes, but without expecting people to act or behave a certain way. It allows me to be surprised, to participate in new ways, and to enjoy what's happening (stay in the present). It also allows me to feel my feelings - happy, disappointed, proud, hurt, or any other emotion - then let them go, and do whatever I need to do next. These actions help me to know, regardless of whatever happens, the outcome doesn't change WHO I am and doesn't shake my inner contentment.
I know I've made progress because of how I've handled the recent boy situation. I've acted with "ease and grace" more than I ever would've thought possible before. I spent a week isolating from the boy, giving him the cold shoulder, being very selfish and self-seeking in making the situation all about me. I realized things wouldn't improve unless I was able to let it go and just focus on being myself. I was spending too much energy on the negative feelings, when I would be freer by accepting things as they are and moving on. I made the decision to just be myself around him, to go back to my friendly and cheerful personality. And I let go of any expectation for us. I had hoped we could talk about things and I could explain my behavior, but for the first time ever I didn't force it. My primary goal at the moment was to just be able to be comfortable around each other again. I didn't want to put up walls, but I also didn't force a solution. By just letting go of the awkwardness and letting go of any expectations for future interactions, we've been able to go back to pre-flirtation normality. I never would've done this before, and I'm incredibly grateful I was able to this time. I didn't cause any more harm, and we now have a chance to start over and potentially be friends.
Not surprisingly, the readings at my Tuesday night meeting the past few weeks have totally fit this part of my journey. One week we talked about Tradition Seven, which says "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." On page 115 of How Al-Anon Works, it says "Before Al-Anon, we often looked outside of ourselves for our peace of mind. In Al-Anon, we learn to take responsibility for our own recovery... we realize we no longer need to look for inner contentment outside of ourselves." This week, in reading about Changed Attitudes, the book read, "Before we can take effective action, before we can actually change a negative outlook to a positive one or change self-pity to gratitude, we have to accept ourselves precisely as we are." (p. 77) We also read this about expectations, "There is no better way to make ourselves feel victimized and helpless than by harboring unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, or by confusing expectations with needs and insisting they be met. Attaching our well-being to a particular action or outcome is risky... By seeking only the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out (Step Eleven), we make great strides towards developing an unshakeable inner peace and sense of security that cannot be threatened by mere circumstances." (p. 80)
So basically these readings and my recent boy experience boil down to this:
1. Before any change can happen, I have to accept myself exactly as I am. Acceptance is the first step because it helps us have a foundation on which to build lasting. For me, acceptance of myself means I accept how God made me, and I trust in God's will for me. No matter what happens externally, I know that inside I am loved, I am taken care of, and I am okay just as I am. Self-acceptance allows me to clear out the clutter of my life without losing myself or feeling lost. I also had to accept the boy and the situation as they were, because otherwise I would try to control and change them when they aren't within my responsibility or capacity to change or control. By accepting the reality of today, I can be open to choices and opportunities that can lead to positive changes and moves forward.
2. Expectations are not the same as needs. Attaching our well-being to particular actions or outcomes is risky. Expectations are hopes and anticipations that a certain outcome will result from a certain action. Expectations can be healthy, but often we (me, you, Al-Anons, those not in program, everyone) carry unrealistic expectations for other people. We expect things to be OUR way, or we think we NEED them to be a certain way to be successful, helpful, etc. We are not flexible in listening to a different perspective, following a different (but equally good or possibly better) method or course of action, and allowing mistakes. I know I used to be this way, and it caused nothing by frustration and resentment (on my part and on the part of others I tried to manage and control). I am learning to have realistic and appropriate expectations of other people, and to go into situations sometimes without ANY expectations. I have also discovered that my needs are a lot simpler than they used to be, and that truly all I need can be provided by my higher power (God) if I let him.
In any relationship - romantic, friendship, family, work - it is imperative that I accept myself just as I am before I can be an effective and positive contributor to the relationship. I can go into a situation with hopes or an idea of possible outcomes, but without expecting people to act or behave a certain way. It allows me to be surprised, to participate in new ways, and to enjoy what's happening (stay in the present). It also allows me to feel my feelings - happy, disappointed, proud, hurt, or any other emotion - then let them go, and do whatever I need to do next. These actions help me to know, regardless of whatever happens, the outcome doesn't change WHO I am and doesn't shake my inner contentment.
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