Spiral of Growth

My roommate is phenomenal. I feel like that is not an uncommon comment from me about this particular person in my life, but that's okay in my book.

One of the things I love about her is the unique perspective she brings to problems or struggles I'm having in my life. Her perspectives may not be unique to all people, but she often sees things a little bit differently than I do, and her ability to shed new light on something I'm spinning and obsessing about usually brings me great relief and comfort.

Today my roommate was working from home and I had a class day (which meant I was home in the morning before I walked to school for my one and only Monday/Wednesday class). I had finished writing out my high school resentments over the weekend and had moved onto college yesterday afternoon and today. Some of the require some verbal talking through as I'm writing, and the girl I wrote about this morning was one of them. The conversation was animated and eventually just led to a check-in about how I was doing during this whole process.

The answer? Not great. One of the reasons the 12 steps were written and are worked in the order they are is because the first three steps are meant to serve as a strong foundation of trust in a higher power and a letting go of control. They are meant to help you come to believe that you are taken care of, you are loved no matter what, and that God (as you understand him) will be there to take over everything you can't handle yourself (which is more than you realize coming in and is still more than you are capable of even after working the first three steps).

The problem is that you get to a place of security and serenity and then you start your 4th step, a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of yourself. I have to look at all of my resentments, my anger, my moments of self-pity, my "issues", and I get to not only look at them and list them, but I get to see what MY PART IS. I was doing well the first couple months, writing things very systematically and not internalizing anything too much. When I reached high school, I began to see my part and my patterns, and I remembered how I felt during a lot of those moments, even when I saw what my part and responsibility was. I finished high school and started the college list, and the feeling continued. I remember how I felt, how I was frustrated and lonely and angry and confused, and how I did a lot of great things, had some wonderful experiences, made fantastic friends, made decisions that helped me to get to a healthier place of growth and acceptance in a lot of ways, but the underlying nagging feeling of "something's not right" was still there. The whole time. I felt that way in high school, the "what's wrong with me?" feeling, and it continued in college, during GVV, and into my relationships and career and life in Chicago.

I have not felt that way quite so strongly in over a year. I've had a couple moments of it, but mostly I was able to turn it over and was feeling really good in my Al-Anon growth and my decisions about school, my performance at Starbucks, and my ability to change and grow in my friendships (especially my female friendships). But lately, since I've been working on my high school inventory, and since the amazing but challenging reflections and experiences I had at We Are Not Saints, have brought back that feeling of "something's not right, what's wrong with me", and I feel once again far away from God and far away from everyone I was beginning to have healthy intimacy with. I might be exaggerating some, but not much. I know I feel disconnected from God, from my roommate, from my parents, from other friends. I know a lot of it is in my head. And I also know that when I talk and act out of this place, nothing good ever comes from it.

Where my roommate's amazing perspective and the sense of relief I felt this morning comes in is because as I was sharing this with her, she smiled her knowing "I've been there and I can help" smile, and asked me if I had ever heard of the spiral theory. Apparently it's a term used in feminist theology and my roommate has heard of it from Letty Russell (a professor at Yale University School of Divinity). Basically it says that in the center is happiness, and we move in a spiral towards happiness, but the spiral is not equidistant circles around, but more of a slingshot loop... some moments you're closer to happiness and the next moment you might be farther from happiness, but the length of time/distance between closer and farther gets smaller and even if you feel farther away you're closer than you think. She suggested that while I feel like I'm back to the feelings I felt back when I was in college or dating Sully that I have grown more than I probably think and it probably won't take as long to get back to the feeling of happiness and release that I've felt in the past year of program.

It was such a great relief to have that kind of visual, and I'm grateful for her insight. I will definitely need to share these feelings with Annalise tonight and I hope she's receptive and okay and doesn't just brush me off or tell me I'm spinning. I might be, but that doesn't help me practically. I could pray, and I will pray. I prayed this morning after exercising and cried. So I'll keep praying, obviously it helps. :)

I pray that I don't totally ruin any relationships or friendships in the process... always a concern, since I've done it before, and it's possible I'll do it again.

Anyway, that's it for today! One day at a time, hanging onto that mantra. :)