This past weekend I was in Minnesota for the Christmas holiday, and I feel as though I had the best Christmas I've ever had. It was nice to be with family when we were all in good places in life - there was no drama, no tension, no awkwardness, no underlying anything. My parents, their significant others, and my step-brother are all in a positive place in their journeys. There are still bumps on the road and struggles they're experiencing, but this is the calmest, happiest, and most at peace I've seen any of us in a long time. And that truly warms my heart, and makes me incredibly grateful.
I also spent time with more friends than I thought I had in the Twin Cities. It's amazing what a little time and space can do to help get friendships back on an even keel. I saw two friends I hadn't seen in a number of years, and had wonderful conversations catching up with them. I had no expectations - I went purely to enjoy their company. If I stay in touch beyond that, which hopefully I will, great. If not, I enjoyed the time we had catching up. What's striking to me is both John and Amy are friends from high school I kept up with through most of college and then sort of lost touch with when I went to St. Louis and then moved to Chicago. They are friends I felt were some of closest friends at one time, and I'm grateful we still reach out to each other on occasion despite time and distance. I learn a lot from them, feel valued and supported in their company, am inspired by their faith journeys and career paths and how they live their lives. I enjoy spending time with quality people like that, and it helps when they're people you can be at ease with because you've known each other for so long.
Which brings me to the reason for the subject heading. The cool thing about my family being in such good space and my being able to have the interactions I had with those old friends this weekend is that it didn't happen because any of us forced it or manipulated our way to it or tried to control it. It was just the natural progression of time and growth we are all experiencing that brought us to this time and place. The choices we've made and the things we've let go of over the years have allowed us to be here, now, healthy (or getting there), and open to change and possibility. The one relationship I still need help letting go and not controlling is with the boy I mentioned in a previous post. We had a phenomenal day together on Sunday: lunch in our favorite spot, time with a couple friends, being flirty and having fun at Dave and Buster's (like an adult Chuck-E-Cheese), then spending the evening with my family for our traditional Family Game Night. After Game Night we stayed up late talking, and got to have a REAL talk, mostly about us. In my former life, a talk like that, with no definitive solution and no real conclusion or agreement, would have frustrated me. This time, I just felt so blessed and grateful to even have the open, honest, direct, and sincere conversation we had. Even though it is incredibly difficult not to be able to pursue someone I'm attracted to, someone I trust completely, someone with whom I could see a potentially really amazing thing with, I'm also grateful we're not pursuing it right now.
I'll be honest and say I'm glad to know he feels the attraction and would totally be interested in dating at some point. The affirmation that it's not one-sided was a relief (I didn't think it was one-sided, but I didn't know for sure). However, I'm still working on a lot of things through program (and in general), he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, and there's the added stress of 400+ miles distance. But at least we know where we stand, and we talked about how to communicate better if I start to get a little crazy or he needs to pull back some.
We're still the best of friends and we're still going to be in touch. None of that has changed. I have to work on not obsessing about it and not trying to control it and REALLY learning to turn it over to God. I have to trust that if this is something God wants for us, the way will be made clear in due time. I'm embracing the challenge and the journey, and doing the most I can to stay busy, stay in the present moment, stay in CHICAGO mentally and emotionally, and still stay open to any other relationships or dating possibilities that come my way.
I may think I know what's right, but it's not up to me to decide that. It's up to me to be open to GOD deciding that. IN HIS TIME, NOT MINE. And with whatever steps and detours I'm meant to take along the way.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Stllness Revisited: Do Not Be Afraid of the Tomb
I've had a lot going on and a lot to think about the past few days. I'm working a 6-day stretch for the first time since August in preparation for going home for Christmas. I've had holiday gatherings, early mornings, and of course the occasional challenge staying in the present and remembering all I've learned in the past year.
Monday night I had one of those frustrating ugly moments, and I realized I don't even have to finish my 4th step (though I will) to know what one of my biggest and ugliest character defects is - JEALOUSY. And it's jealousy that exists in my head and is made up in my imagination. It's jealousy derived from trying to fit in with the "cool" kids, the "popular" group, and not appreciating the people who are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE who DO show up for me, love me, support me, and spend time with me. It's jealousy, especially related to stupid boy-relationship stuff, that causes me to get self-deprecating, think I'm not good enough, shut down, cut them off, distrust, and expect people to go away & find someone/something new and better (even if they aren't planning on it or don't even think that way at all). And the ugliest part about this particular instance of jealousy was that it was on the heels of finding out one of the people I was jealous of had JUST found out her uncle had died. What the hell?! What kind of person gets jealous about someone's friendship/relationship with another person (who, yes, is a boy) when she's crying over the loss of a family member? What a freaking eye-opener.
So on the bus ride home I reached out to some friends, not getting in touch with anyone but at least reaching out, to friends who HAVE reciprocated and shown they care about me. I know I have to learn not to rely on other people's approval to feel better, but I don't think this was an exercise in trying to people please. I think this was an exercise in reminding me that God has put people in my life who care and I DO have people in my life who can be and are present to me. When I got home, I vented to my roommate and she was supportive and understanding and encouraging as usual. She nodded her head a lot when I said, "And it's not even about me! It's none of my business! Why do I get so caught up in something that is absolutely none of my concern? It takes away all my energy focusing on something silly and stupid like that."
I knew I had to get up super early this morning so I decided to take a hot bath and use the aromatherapy candle I got as a Christmas gift. As I was praying in the bathtub, I was reminded of Saturday's homily on the 4th Sunday of Advent. I went to Holy Name Cathedral downtown because they had a convenient time after work Saturday. The priest was very conscious that in this busy season it's important to be intentionally reflective, and his homily talked about that. He mentioned visiting another church in a town where he was with family or friends a few weeks back and he was struck by the banners hanging in the church. There were three, and they said "Do not be afraid of silence", "Do not be afraid of yourself", and "Do not be afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do". He then went on to discuss those three ideas and how they follow each other: If you aren't afraid of silence, you get to know yourself better because you're listening more intently and intentionally, and then you become less afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do because you're more in tune with yourself and his request seems less out of the blue (or something to that effect). It was very familiar to what Ignatian Spirituality and Al-Anon have taught me in my prayer and in spiritual life. And the mention of "do not be afraid of silence" reminded me of my word for this year - STILLNESS.
I'm not sure if I've focused on stillness more in the past two months since I received the word or not. I do know that in discussing the past year's "miracles" with my sponsor and sister sponsees last Friday night I did say that I have simplified my life a lot more. I feel like I have less clutter - in terms of obligations, activities, relationships, and material goods. I think I make decisions easier and am able to let go of decisions and unnecessary baggage a lot quicker. So perhaps STILLNESS is creeping into my life in those ways. I am pretty intentional about saying a quick 3-5 minute prayer almost every morning, and I have reminders to pray two other times during the day, just o have that reminder/moment to pause and offer up whatever is going on in the moment to God. I re-center myself and continue on with the day. Some days I really need it, and some days it's just like "Oh! Yeah! I'm having a good day, but thanks for the reminder!"
I also think STILLNESS continues to be an appropriate word for this second year in program because of something my roommate shared Monday when I was venting about this jealousy thing. She said when they were in seminary they joked (only half-jokingly because there's some truth to it) that the reason there are three years in a seminary program is because it represents the Crucifixion, the Tomb, and the Resurrection. She said it's really true because of the personal change and growth you go through when you're in such a spiritually transformative situation like seminary and theological/pastoral studies. I'll paraphrase what I heard, but she said something to the effect of "The Crucifixion hurts, and the tomb is dark, but at the end there's light and lightness." At the end she said, "And like it or not honey, you're in The Tomb this year. And it sucks. But there's hope, and you'll be fine!" She's right - the first year is a year of seeing so much with new perspective and sometimes the change hurts. But the second year you're already changing and you feel like you're in a rhythm, even with its bumps, but you still hit moments of darkness, ugliness, and aloneness. But this is where the STILLNESS comes in. I imagine a tomb would not only be very dark but also VERY quiet. And it's just you and your demons, you and God. But if you allow the silence and stillness to be a time of surrender, then you will find peace.
So my 2011 wish, one of them, will be to surrender my will more, to be more comfortable in the silence and stillness, and to have hope that I'll resurrect from the Tomb IN GOD'S TIME, whatever that time-frame looks like.
Monday night I had one of those frustrating ugly moments, and I realized I don't even have to finish my 4th step (though I will) to know what one of my biggest and ugliest character defects is - JEALOUSY. And it's jealousy that exists in my head and is made up in my imagination. It's jealousy derived from trying to fit in with the "cool" kids, the "popular" group, and not appreciating the people who are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE who DO show up for me, love me, support me, and spend time with me. It's jealousy, especially related to stupid boy-relationship stuff, that causes me to get self-deprecating, think I'm not good enough, shut down, cut them off, distrust, and expect people to go away & find someone/something new and better (even if they aren't planning on it or don't even think that way at all). And the ugliest part about this particular instance of jealousy was that it was on the heels of finding out one of the people I was jealous of had JUST found out her uncle had died. What the hell?! What kind of person gets jealous about someone's friendship/relationship with another person (who, yes, is a boy) when she's crying over the loss of a family member? What a freaking eye-opener.
So on the bus ride home I reached out to some friends, not getting in touch with anyone but at least reaching out, to friends who HAVE reciprocated and shown they care about me. I know I have to learn not to rely on other people's approval to feel better, but I don't think this was an exercise in trying to people please. I think this was an exercise in reminding me that God has put people in my life who care and I DO have people in my life who can be and are present to me. When I got home, I vented to my roommate and she was supportive and understanding and encouraging as usual. She nodded her head a lot when I said, "And it's not even about me! It's none of my business! Why do I get so caught up in something that is absolutely none of my concern? It takes away all my energy focusing on something silly and stupid like that."
I knew I had to get up super early this morning so I decided to take a hot bath and use the aromatherapy candle I got as a Christmas gift. As I was praying in the bathtub, I was reminded of Saturday's homily on the 4th Sunday of Advent. I went to Holy Name Cathedral downtown because they had a convenient time after work Saturday. The priest was very conscious that in this busy season it's important to be intentionally reflective, and his homily talked about that. He mentioned visiting another church in a town where he was with family or friends a few weeks back and he was struck by the banners hanging in the church. There were three, and they said "Do not be afraid of silence", "Do not be afraid of yourself", and "Do not be afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do". He then went on to discuss those three ideas and how they follow each other: If you aren't afraid of silence, you get to know yourself better because you're listening more intently and intentionally, and then you become less afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do because you're more in tune with yourself and his request seems less out of the blue (or something to that effect). It was very familiar to what Ignatian Spirituality and Al-Anon have taught me in my prayer and in spiritual life. And the mention of "do not be afraid of silence" reminded me of my word for this year - STILLNESS.
I'm not sure if I've focused on stillness more in the past two months since I received the word or not. I do know that in discussing the past year's "miracles" with my sponsor and sister sponsees last Friday night I did say that I have simplified my life a lot more. I feel like I have less clutter - in terms of obligations, activities, relationships, and material goods. I think I make decisions easier and am able to let go of decisions and unnecessary baggage a lot quicker. So perhaps STILLNESS is creeping into my life in those ways. I am pretty intentional about saying a quick 3-5 minute prayer almost every morning, and I have reminders to pray two other times during the day, just o have that reminder/moment to pause and offer up whatever is going on in the moment to God. I re-center myself and continue on with the day. Some days I really need it, and some days it's just like "Oh! Yeah! I'm having a good day, but thanks for the reminder!"
I also think STILLNESS continues to be an appropriate word for this second year in program because of something my roommate shared Monday when I was venting about this jealousy thing. She said when they were in seminary they joked (only half-jokingly because there's some truth to it) that the reason there are three years in a seminary program is because it represents the Crucifixion, the Tomb, and the Resurrection. She said it's really true because of the personal change and growth you go through when you're in such a spiritually transformative situation like seminary and theological/pastoral studies. I'll paraphrase what I heard, but she said something to the effect of "The Crucifixion hurts, and the tomb is dark, but at the end there's light and lightness." At the end she said, "And like it or not honey, you're in The Tomb this year. And it sucks. But there's hope, and you'll be fine!" She's right - the first year is a year of seeing so much with new perspective and sometimes the change hurts. But the second year you're already changing and you feel like you're in a rhythm, even with its bumps, but you still hit moments of darkness, ugliness, and aloneness. But this is where the STILLNESS comes in. I imagine a tomb would not only be very dark but also VERY quiet. And it's just you and your demons, you and God. But if you allow the silence and stillness to be a time of surrender, then you will find peace.
So my 2011 wish, one of them, will be to surrender my will more, to be more comfortable in the silence and stillness, and to have hope that I'll resurrect from the Tomb IN GOD'S TIME, whatever that time-frame looks like.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Winter: The Oldest and SNOW-iest Season
I love snow. I am such a Midwesterner, and also such a dork. December is my favorite month of the year. I don't even care about the freezing cold. The snow and the colors and the lights and decorations and snow are so beautiful to me. I love it so much!
I volunteer with Special Religious Education, a department of the Archdiocese of Chicago that serves children through adults who are unable to participate in mainstream religious education. We meet every week, and alternate adult prep sessions and our actual sessions with the kids. During the adult prep sessions, there is usually a literary selection we read to help us deepen our understanding of the theme we are reflecting on that week and sharing with the kids the following week. On November 29, our literary selection came from John O'Donohue's book Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom. It walked us through the seasons, and described winter as the oldest season:
"Winter is the oldest season. Winter was there from the very beginning. It reigned amidst the silence and bleakness of nature for hundreds of millions of years before vegetation."
He continues on to describe the remaining seasons: Spring's youthfulness, bringing forth promise, hope, possibility, and life. Summertime's sense of balance, bringing light, growth, arrival, a time when we fully blossom and can take risks because you've got enough support and shelter to protect and ground you. Autumn's harvest, when the fruits of the spring and summer are yielded and the great feast of the year can be had - when the things of the past and the experiences one has had now bring forth their fruit.
O'Donohue's description of the seasons reads as though describing humanity's life cycle, which I believe is the point. He references/compares it to the soul quite often. There are times when reading something like this would be depressing, but when we read it at SPRED, I was deeply touched. I completely identified with winter as the oldest season.
It's the time of year when everyone is just a bit more friendly, a bit more warm, a bit more joyful, a bit more understanding. It seems as though the older people get, the more they realize how unnecessary facades are. They become more open, accepting, and giving. So it is with winter, or at least the months of November and December when we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I can't think of much more to say about it than that - it was striking to me when we read it, meditated on it, and talked about it, so I wanted to share.
Enjoy the snow and cold and warmth and glow!
I volunteer with Special Religious Education, a department of the Archdiocese of Chicago that serves children through adults who are unable to participate in mainstream religious education. We meet every week, and alternate adult prep sessions and our actual sessions with the kids. During the adult prep sessions, there is usually a literary selection we read to help us deepen our understanding of the theme we are reflecting on that week and sharing with the kids the following week. On November 29, our literary selection came from John O'Donohue's book Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom. It walked us through the seasons, and described winter as the oldest season:
"Winter is the oldest season. Winter was there from the very beginning. It reigned amidst the silence and bleakness of nature for hundreds of millions of years before vegetation."
He continues on to describe the remaining seasons: Spring's youthfulness, bringing forth promise, hope, possibility, and life. Summertime's sense of balance, bringing light, growth, arrival, a time when we fully blossom and can take risks because you've got enough support and shelter to protect and ground you. Autumn's harvest, when the fruits of the spring and summer are yielded and the great feast of the year can be had - when the things of the past and the experiences one has had now bring forth their fruit.
O'Donohue's description of the seasons reads as though describing humanity's life cycle, which I believe is the point. He references/compares it to the soul quite often. There are times when reading something like this would be depressing, but when we read it at SPRED, I was deeply touched. I completely identified with winter as the oldest season.
It's the time of year when everyone is just a bit more friendly, a bit more warm, a bit more joyful, a bit more understanding. It seems as though the older people get, the more they realize how unnecessary facades are. They become more open, accepting, and giving. So it is with winter, or at least the months of November and December when we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I can't think of much more to say about it than that - it was striking to me when we read it, meditated on it, and talked about it, so I wanted to share.
Enjoy the snow and cold and warmth and glow!
Unnecessary Baggage
My roommate is a lay member of the United Methodist Church, and she recently (last week) made the final decision not to be ordained. She's been in this discernment process for quite a number of years. Last year she decided to go for deacon and not elder, and even with that it seems she felt stressed. Last week she finally realized that God is not calling her to ordination, but is calling her to work for justice and peace as a lay minister. She can still be involved in worship and liturgy as a lay person, and she has the freedom to focus on helping those who need a voice (which she is phenomenal at by the way).
Anyway, today she wrote this: "If I had any doubts about lay ministry, my body's response would definitely quell them. Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!"
I completely agree! The body's response to our emotional and spiritual health is amazing. I used to have a lot of callous and wart problems on the heels of my feet. I had even gotten a couple small warts on three fingers. No matter what medicine I used, I could never get rid of them. They would reduce, but never go away. About a year after my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, we were trying to be friends again, and had been getting together occasionally to catch up. Around Thanksgiving last year, a few weeks after we had seen each other last, I sent him a text message to wish him luck with moving and a work-related project. He completely blew me off, and that was the last straw. I realized I did not want to deal with his crap anymore. If we were going to be friends, then be a friend. If not, I did not have to put up with it. So I told God, and my friends, "I am officially done. This is IT." Within a month, I KID YOU NOT, the warts on my fingers were gone, and the ones on my heels had subsided. They are now mostly gone too.
I have also battled weight issues for most of my life. Some of it is learned behaviors of over-eating, stress-eating, etc., and some of it is genetic constitution (my dad's side of the family tends to be overweight). I sometimes get obsessed about it. Not so much about the calories or exercise or anything (I've had enough friends with legitimate eating disorders and my brain, though crazy, has never gone over-the-top nuts about food/exercise). I do, however, get obsessed about the number on the scale sometimes. I can tell when my clothes don't feel right so I start to get a little panicky and controlling about it. However, my roommate and my sponsor both said something to me about it this last time, and I realized my crazy obsessive thinking extended not just to relationships and people, but to my body image/physical health as well. Because of that correlation, I then realized I could turn that over to God just as much as any other struggle. The amazing thing is that over the past couple months I've been able to maintain and lose a little bit, and be at the lowest weight I've had all year. I'm able to turn over meal-times, food cravings, and food choices to God. I'm continuing to just walk, stay active, and focus on the healthy eating habits I've learned over the years (drinking lots of water, having enough fruits and vegetables, having a balanced diet with protein and fiber). I can feel a difference and I know it's not because of anything I'm necessarily doing differently. I'm just not obsessed about it or trying to control the outcome.
I give these two examples, because my roommate's comment about how "Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!" is right on the money. How many times do we carry around crap, baggage, resentments, wrong decisions, etc., that are so unnecessary? Our body, our mind, our spirit, are all much happier and healthier when we can turn things over to God and allow him to guide us into right decision-making.
I'm currently working on my 4th step. I'm not even through my family and early childhood friends, and already I see patterns. I'm anticipating what's going to happen when I get into grade school, high school, college, and beyond. I already know some of the things that will come up, and it's not pretty to look at it all. As a matter of fact, at times it's downright ugly to look at, and it's hard not to get depressed or frustrated looking at the ugly. I can feel the burden and the baggage. It's not "unnecessary" baggage in one respect because it's helping me making changes in my life, and seeing patterns allows me to break them. However, it's unnecessary to carry it around in order to beat myself up.
My sponsor said the 4th step is really what it says - an inventory, an "I have this many cans of corn, and this many boxes of brownie mix" situation. I have to keep reminding myself of that or I will get overwhelmed and my body and spirit will be negatively affected. Having a blog and sharing the journey with the unknown void allows me to be accountable, and for that I'm grateful!
Anyway, today she wrote this: "If I had any doubts about lay ministry, my body's response would definitely quell them. Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!"
I completely agree! The body's response to our emotional and spiritual health is amazing. I used to have a lot of callous and wart problems on the heels of my feet. I had even gotten a couple small warts on three fingers. No matter what medicine I used, I could never get rid of them. They would reduce, but never go away. About a year after my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, we were trying to be friends again, and had been getting together occasionally to catch up. Around Thanksgiving last year, a few weeks after we had seen each other last, I sent him a text message to wish him luck with moving and a work-related project. He completely blew me off, and that was the last straw. I realized I did not want to deal with his crap anymore. If we were going to be friends, then be a friend. If not, I did not have to put up with it. So I told God, and my friends, "I am officially done. This is IT." Within a month, I KID YOU NOT, the warts on my fingers were gone, and the ones on my heels had subsided. They are now mostly gone too.
I have also battled weight issues for most of my life. Some of it is learned behaviors of over-eating, stress-eating, etc., and some of it is genetic constitution (my dad's side of the family tends to be overweight). I sometimes get obsessed about it. Not so much about the calories or exercise or anything (I've had enough friends with legitimate eating disorders and my brain, though crazy, has never gone over-the-top nuts about food/exercise). I do, however, get obsessed about the number on the scale sometimes. I can tell when my clothes don't feel right so I start to get a little panicky and controlling about it. However, my roommate and my sponsor both said something to me about it this last time, and I realized my crazy obsessive thinking extended not just to relationships and people, but to my body image/physical health as well. Because of that correlation, I then realized I could turn that over to God just as much as any other struggle. The amazing thing is that over the past couple months I've been able to maintain and lose a little bit, and be at the lowest weight I've had all year. I'm able to turn over meal-times, food cravings, and food choices to God. I'm continuing to just walk, stay active, and focus on the healthy eating habits I've learned over the years (drinking lots of water, having enough fruits and vegetables, having a balanced diet with protein and fiber). I can feel a difference and I know it's not because of anything I'm necessarily doing differently. I'm just not obsessed about it or trying to control the outcome.
I give these two examples, because my roommate's comment about how "Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!" is right on the money. How many times do we carry around crap, baggage, resentments, wrong decisions, etc., that are so unnecessary? Our body, our mind, our spirit, are all much happier and healthier when we can turn things over to God and allow him to guide us into right decision-making.
I'm currently working on my 4th step. I'm not even through my family and early childhood friends, and already I see patterns. I'm anticipating what's going to happen when I get into grade school, high school, college, and beyond. I already know some of the things that will come up, and it's not pretty to look at it all. As a matter of fact, at times it's downright ugly to look at, and it's hard not to get depressed or frustrated looking at the ugly. I can feel the burden and the baggage. It's not "unnecessary" baggage in one respect because it's helping me making changes in my life, and seeing patterns allows me to break them. However, it's unnecessary to carry it around in order to beat myself up.
My sponsor said the 4th step is really what it says - an inventory, an "I have this many cans of corn, and this many boxes of brownie mix" situation. I have to keep reminding myself of that or I will get overwhelmed and my body and spirit will be negatively affected. Having a blog and sharing the journey with the unknown void allows me to be accountable, and for that I'm grateful!
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