Last November I participated in a retreat called "The Spirit@Work Within" presented by Charis Ministries in Chicago. It was a day-long retreat held at Loyola University Chicago's lakeshore campus with almost 50 people in their 20s and 30s. As one of the retreat team members, I was responsible for writing and giving a witness talk based on one of the retreat themes.
I had last given a retreat talk four years prior as a senior at Marquette University for the Freshman 2-Day retreat. Our theme for that particular retreat was "There's No Place Like Home" and finding a home at college. My fellow retreat team members gave talks on finding home with God, ourselves, and others. As the final speaker, my talk was focused on bringing all those themes together into one final "Home" talk. I remember spending a long time thinking about, praying about, and writing that retreat talk... a practice I repeated this year in writing my "Spirit@Work" talk. Ironically (or maybe not ironic but perhaps God-inspired), I was the final talk in both retreats. For the Spirit@Work retreat, our three talks centered on finding and using our gifts in 1) the past, 2) the present, and 3) the future. I appreciate having the experiences and self-awareness/self-reflection to give talks that summarize the retreat's themes and help people going forward.
For the Frosh 2-Day retreat, I spent a lot of time talking about how difficult my freshman year was. It was a year of major change and transition - my relationship with my mother was strained going into college, 9/11 was three weeks into my first semester, my uncle passed away unexpectedly during winter break, I dealt directly with friends acknowledging homosexuality and a friend who had been raped, did not have many friends, gained the freshman 20 pounds, wasn't involved in any activities, etc. Looking back, it's interesting to me how I even became the person I was that year - it's completely unlike anyone I had been prior and anyone I've been since. However, my freshman year taught me a number of very important lessons and helped me grow in countless ways I think I'm still experiencing. The lesson about "home" I was able to share was twofold - 1) an appreciation for my good friend Ryan who through his consistent presence and support that year helped me find my way out of the funk (finding "home" in friendship), and 2) the ability to identify what I needed to do to make my sophomore year (and consequently the rest of my college career) much better (being able to find "home" at Marquette through friends, involvement in service and church-related activities, and more).
The Spirit@Work retreat inspired a similar story, this time based on my journey towards finding my identity AND towards finding a career. The theme of my talk ended up being "Living a Life Testifying to God's Love." I shared how my gifts of creativity, hospitality, and self-awareness have been discovered over time (through my jobs, through comments by friends and family members, through reflection on the activities and people who have brought me peace and joy). Realizing how much I enjoyed working with children and remembering how strongly I've wanted to be involved in the arts, plus my interest in psychology and counseling, all led me to pursue grad school and a career in Art Therapy. However, sharing our gifts is not only a career goal... it is a life goal. And I've found that I'm able to share my gifts in a number of general life ways - from my work as a barista at Starbucks to my art and psychology classes and in all my relationships. I'm not perfect and I struggle with recognizing and remembering my gifts when I experience challenges and roadblocks. However, I've found a foundation in love and through faith I keep this desire to love and share love at the root of all I am and all I do.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Loving Detachment
My faith is such that the concept of "fate" to me does not mean this cosmic plan I have no control over. To me, "fate" is more aligned to "God moments" - those moments when it seems the universe waited and conspired to make something happen at a given time because it was the RIGHT time.
Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.
I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)
Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.
I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)
5 Stages of Grief - a year later
In checking on my list of blog posts, I noticed a number of them had never been finished, and some of them needed to be! This one was begun in February of last year, in the midst of a heartbreaking time in my life. I had ended a really important long-term relationship with a man I had hoped and expected to marry in August 2008. Getting through the holidays was really rough, and January/February ended up being extremely low months for me. I'd experienced depression before, my freshman year of college. At that time, I felt isolated, lonely, bored, had low self-esteem, and didn't have any foundation or support. This time around, while I was experiencing grief the likes of which I hope I only ever experience again when my parents pass away, I also had more of my shit together. While the pain was at times unbearable, I had my faith, I had good friends, and I had activities that kept me going. I was participating in what's known as the 19th Annotation Retreat, or the Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life. St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote the Spiritual Exercises when he founded the Society of Jesus (Jesuit) order. It was intended to be a 30-day retreat, but the 19th Annotation stated the retreat could be done in the course of one's daily life because not everyone can take a month off to do a retreat. While this is a sad reality, it is a blessing to know the retreat is adaptable. I strongly believe that going through this retreat, which works it's way through five major themes (Love, Forgiveness, Surrender, Birth, and Freedom), helped me work through the stages of grief listed below in a healthy and natural progression. Before I go any further, I'll share the start of last year's journal entry:
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Language of Letting Go
There's a great book by Melodie Beattie called The Language of Letting Go which is a series of daily meditations for those who have been in recovery, or who, like me, are familiar with recovery from substance abuse/dependence. The meditations cover a number of topics including anger, fear, detachment, family issues, confidence, self-love, and more. Like any daily meditation, sometimes one fits for the day and sometimes it doesn't.
While it is not on the list of "conference-approved" AA or Al-Anon literature, I've found some of the reflections to be more personal, more heartfelt, and more applicable to me than other daily reading books I've found. Occasionally I'll probably share some thoughts and insights from the book, but for now I just wanted to put it out there as a resource for people who are interested in daily reflections. Even if you are not or do not have affiliation with addiction (or anyone with one), there are still great reads for ALL of us... because we all share many of the same character defects and need the same inspiration and reminders.
While it is not on the list of "conference-approved" AA or Al-Anon literature, I've found some of the reflections to be more personal, more heartfelt, and more applicable to me than other daily reading books I've found. Occasionally I'll probably share some thoughts and insights from the book, but for now I just wanted to put it out there as a resource for people who are interested in daily reflections. Even if you are not or do not have affiliation with addiction (or anyone with one), there are still great reads for ALL of us... because we all share many of the same character defects and need the same inspiration and reminders.
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