A very merry Christmas to everyone who is out there, reading blogs and sharing in pieces of each other's lives - stranger or friend.
Last night at Christmas Eve Mass at St. Vincent DePaul Parish in Osseo, Minnesota, I enjoyed a multitude of Christmas carols in the midst of a beautiful service that included many tears after Communion and a poignant message during the homily.
Fr. Jack Long, who is one of my favorite preachers, presided over the Mass. The Gospel reading was interspersed with different Christmas carols, and Fr. Jack spoke during the homily about connecting the dots. In many ways, it was a commentary on how interconnected our lives are with each other, and how everything and every person has a purpose in God's greater plan. All the Old Testament folks - Abraham, Sarah, Moses, Aaron, Miriam, David, Saul, the prophets, Job, and countless others were another piece of the puzzle regarding God's plan and a representation of his love for the world and its people. When Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem, part of the picture came into focus, with a whole other picture just beginning.
It is also true in our lives. People and events represent different dots, different turning points in our paths. Each interaction changes us and sets us on a new version of the path we are on. It's amazing to watch over the course of even a few days or weeks (much less a few months or years) how our life takes shape. What I am doing with my life today - the job I have, the job/grad school options I am considering, the relationship I left behind in July, the relationships and friendships I seek out now - all of these things can be traced back to events in my childhood, in high school, in college, and beyond. I can look back now and see the influences, see that "if not for that person or that thing or that event, I would not be who, what, and where I am today."
I know that my journey is constant - it will never be over. Each day and year is a new adventure. Sometimes I wish I had a bit more consistency, that my life could be a bit more stable, that my heart and my ability to love unconditionally were a bit more open. But I know that those are goals for my life, and that my life is taking the shape it needs to take. I can't know for sure where I'm going or what will happen next, but I can continue shaping my life in the ways I think help make the world a better place, spread God's love a little bit farther, and help me find the true happiness I know is out there for me.
That doesn't mean it won't be hard. Look at all the dots in Jesus' background - in Christianity's history. They certainly did not have easy lives or simple roads. We all have our crosses to bear. Right now, mine is a continued search for healing and reconciliation, and a continued mending of my broken heart. Someday, I pray to God I will get there. I will keep trying, and I will keep walking down the path I'm on looking for the next open doors, the next signs, the next invitation to love. Someday, in time, love will heal it all.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A Funny Way of Answering Prayers
I used the same phrase for the article I wrote in Company Magazine about my adventures in Australia for World Youth Day. And the phrase is just as appropriate today as it was in July!
A mere 36 hours after I ended a 4-day stretch of intense grieving and sadness and questioning, I had the opportunity to gather together with coworkers and friends to celebrate the holiday season. I forced myself into the holiday spirit... and God did not disappoint! I met a great guy named Nick, and we talked for over three hours at LG's party. He's different from me in so many ways, and different from any other guy I've been interested in before. He's so laidback and easygoing, which would normally drive the type-A personality in me nuts. But after being in a relationship that was so scheduled, so intense, and so combative (for lack of a better word), it's really nice to be interested in someone who just lives life one day at a time, doesn't stress too much about the future, doesn't plan months in advance (as far as I know), and has both intellect and faith that I find appealing. We've gone out once, and talked on the phone a few times. I'm enjoying whatever it is that's going on, and for once I'm not stressing about where it will go (if anywhere). Whatever happens, happens. It's a blessing to have that kind of peace, confidence, and contentment.
Yesterday I received the sacrament of Reconciliation for Advent. Recent reflections during this Retreat in Daily Life have helped me realize that sin is a rejection of God's love. I've spent a goodly amount of time praying about my sinfulness and prayerfully reflecting on my life and the ways in which I through my words, actions, silence, and inactions have rejected God's love. Specific instances with friends, families, significant others, coworkers, and myself have all surfaced. It was a true blessing to realize the grace of the sacrament, to acknowledge those areas of fault in my life, and to realize that I'm already forgiven and have a clean slate. I am excited to start 2009 with said clean slate! It's especially wonderful to have it at the beginning of this "relationship" (or whatever it might be) and to have it going into holiday time with my family and old friends.
The snow came down fast and heavy yesterday - a beautiful wonderland of fluffy white goodness, 4 inches deep. I found it breathtaking and peaceful. I pray that same peace and joy finds each of you this holiday season and into the new year!
A mere 36 hours after I ended a 4-day stretch of intense grieving and sadness and questioning, I had the opportunity to gather together with coworkers and friends to celebrate the holiday season. I forced myself into the holiday spirit... and God did not disappoint! I met a great guy named Nick, and we talked for over three hours at LG's party. He's different from me in so many ways, and different from any other guy I've been interested in before. He's so laidback and easygoing, which would normally drive the type-A personality in me nuts. But after being in a relationship that was so scheduled, so intense, and so combative (for lack of a better word), it's really nice to be interested in someone who just lives life one day at a time, doesn't stress too much about the future, doesn't plan months in advance (as far as I know), and has both intellect and faith that I find appealing. We've gone out once, and talked on the phone a few times. I'm enjoying whatever it is that's going on, and for once I'm not stressing about where it will go (if anywhere). Whatever happens, happens. It's a blessing to have that kind of peace, confidence, and contentment.
Yesterday I received the sacrament of Reconciliation for Advent. Recent reflections during this Retreat in Daily Life have helped me realize that sin is a rejection of God's love. I've spent a goodly amount of time praying about my sinfulness and prayerfully reflecting on my life and the ways in which I through my words, actions, silence, and inactions have rejected God's love. Specific instances with friends, families, significant others, coworkers, and myself have all surfaced. It was a true blessing to realize the grace of the sacrament, to acknowledge those areas of fault in my life, and to realize that I'm already forgiven and have a clean slate. I am excited to start 2009 with said clean slate! It's especially wonderful to have it at the beginning of this "relationship" (or whatever it might be) and to have it going into holiday time with my family and old friends.
The snow came down fast and heavy yesterday - a beautiful wonderland of fluffy white goodness, 4 inches deep. I found it breathtaking and peaceful. I pray that same peace and joy finds each of you this holiday season and into the new year!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Holiday Blahs
I've been asked so many times in the past four months if I regret the decision I made to break up with Sully. My mom actually articulated it well - "You're glad you made the decision because you know it was the right one, but you wish you hadn't HAD to make the decision."
I love him and will always love him. Someday I hope I will be able to let go enough not to hurt or be sad when I think about him, not to be jealous thinking about him and whatever girl he's with at the time (even if he's with the same girl he's with right now), and to really move on with my own life. I had been doing well with that during the months of October and most of November. But then my friend Suzette got married, college basketball season started, and the holidays arrived. Memories and sentimentality abound. The next month (or two or three) will be hard. January is always my down month. The past 2-3 years, no matter what I did, I couldn't shake the moody gloomy depression-type melancholy of January. It sucks. February is normally what I get excited for - my birthday, the height of college hoops, etc. Except February is also when Sully's birthday and Valentine's Day occur. And the height of college hoops, which was fun throughout college, was only GREAT the past two years because he and I shared it so intensely.
Once again I am surrounding myself with friends and activities to keep myself occupied and away from my house and my couch, where I would likely spend too much time crying, overthinking, missing him, watching stupid tv, etc. Every time I am reminded of what I don't have (him, his family, his friends that became my friends then weren't any more after we broke up), I have to consciously remind myself of all that i DO have. I have the most amazing friends, many of whom are so supportive of this grieving process I'm just in awe. I have relatively fulfilling work and volunteer activities, though I wish I could delve into some things with a bit more substance (I wish I could afford to...) I have family who loves and supports me too.
Christmas will be sad - there's no getting around it. Last year I cried for Grandma; this year I'll cry for Sully and for Rascal (my 17.5 year old cat that died in September). But the blessing of Advent is that it's a reminder of the joy, peace, and comfort that comes from believing in Christ Jesus and saying yes to his invitation and call. So that's what I'll try to remember to do.
I love him and will always love him. Someday I hope I will be able to let go enough not to hurt or be sad when I think about him, not to be jealous thinking about him and whatever girl he's with at the time (even if he's with the same girl he's with right now), and to really move on with my own life. I had been doing well with that during the months of October and most of November. But then my friend Suzette got married, college basketball season started, and the holidays arrived. Memories and sentimentality abound. The next month (or two or three) will be hard. January is always my down month. The past 2-3 years, no matter what I did, I couldn't shake the moody gloomy depression-type melancholy of January. It sucks. February is normally what I get excited for - my birthday, the height of college hoops, etc. Except February is also when Sully's birthday and Valentine's Day occur. And the height of college hoops, which was fun throughout college, was only GREAT the past two years because he and I shared it so intensely.
Once again I am surrounding myself with friends and activities to keep myself occupied and away from my house and my couch, where I would likely spend too much time crying, overthinking, missing him, watching stupid tv, etc. Every time I am reminded of what I don't have (him, his family, his friends that became my friends then weren't any more after we broke up), I have to consciously remind myself of all that i DO have. I have the most amazing friends, many of whom are so supportive of this grieving process I'm just in awe. I have relatively fulfilling work and volunteer activities, though I wish I could delve into some things with a bit more substance (I wish I could afford to...) I have family who loves and supports me too.
Christmas will be sad - there's no getting around it. Last year I cried for Grandma; this year I'll cry for Sully and for Rascal (my 17.5 year old cat that died in September). But the blessing of Advent is that it's a reminder of the joy, peace, and comfort that comes from believing in Christ Jesus and saying yes to his invitation and call. So that's what I'll try to remember to do.
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